Thanksgiving Jukebox: Karl Stefanovic Pissed in HD

Here's the "extended" version of Karl Stefanovic drunk* at this year's Logies.

* That's drunk, not sleep-deprived, he's sauced.

The 2009 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Post-Mortem

One thing I should mention before kicking this all off: Peter Alexander is the Karl Stefanovic of the US or Karl Stefanovic is the Peter Alexander of Australia. Either way you can practically hear the sea breeze blowing through their ears whenever they are on camera, and they seem to have a tendency to put their feet in their mouths.

The announcer has gone bipolar, sometimes indifferent, other times manic as hell.

Same hosts as always: Al “how many projects can I do at one time” Roker, Matt “Please Take Me Seriously” Lauer, and Meredith “I Gave Up The View for this” Vieira.

Bipolar announcer reads off the names and it’s pretty much the same B and C-listers hyping the no-hope NBC line up. Last year hinted at it, and now it seems pretty blatant: any 1980s kitsch is welcome in this decade of unoriginality (Smurfs? Care Bears?!).

Oh lord, cheerleaders. Now as this parade tends to be the 3rd most popular that brings people to this corner of the internet, I am going to put this in the most simplest way possible: Cheerleaders are very talented acrobats that perform to the most mind-numbingly inane music possible.

This is national television, step up your game.

Bipolar announcer promos a performance by the cast of Hair. I have mentioned on here that I pretty much am opposed to a revival of Hair for several reasons: First, let’s encourage new theatre works not money driven revivals (or at least admit that money is the reason); Second, Hair is a social commentary that has nothing to do with the present, The Cradle Will Rock says more about the present than Hair.

M & M believe that most of us don’t know what hippies are in their intro to Hair.

The performance is good but as I mentioned above it is devoid of any relevance and they could be singing Smack My Bitch Up and sound the same.

Bipolar announcer mentions that Jimmy Fallon will be singing. This sounds more interesting than a revival of Hair.

Adverts: Macy’s has only been a part of our lives for so long because they proceeded to aggressively buy out all their competition, not because they are that good of a store.

Al intros Anthony Anderson & Linus Roache, and I have to wonder why, especially since I thought Law & Order was in its final season, but Al claims that he is “looking forward to many more seasons.” Al is still in better shape than Anthony Anderson.

Meredith explains the plot to sodding Bye, Bye Birdie with John Stamos in the Dick Van Dyke role. The performance is sickeningly sweet, and a perfect reflection of the imaginary world that most of the people who complained about Adam Lambert think still exists.

God this performance is taking ages to finish.

Announcer promises a performance by the hip new musical Billy Elliot. (Shout out to the kid from Parramatta who is one of the new Billys. Billy Elliot is a good show, but it is as hip as Charo.

Al welcomes us back from commercial by harassing the people handling the Ronald McDonald balloon.

M & M intro Billy Elliot. This is the first musical number that manages to entertain.

Announcer calls Parks & Recreation a hit. It’s a hit relative to the network it is on, much like how 9am is the hit mid-morning show on Ten. The bar is pretty low at the Peacock.

M & M use a Google Earth knock-off to show us the parade route. This, my dears, is known as really bad filler, although it is interesting that the parade route is not going down Broadway.

Al & Jillian “Biggest Loser” Michaels harass each other and proceed to tell us all that we are eating too much and if we watch her new show we will learn how to eat.

Usch. The food issues with Americans aren’t because we don’t know how to eat, but because it is more expensive and time consuming to eat healthy.

Al hypes Parks & Recreation and tries to act more interested in the show and the cast than he really is.

Matt intros Shrek: The Musical and his face looks like he too would rather be anywhere else.

Shrek is Shrek, a cute attempt to be ironic and sarky while blatantly cashing in on the movie.

Announcer (it’s Conan O’Brien’s old announcer, which explains so much) promises balloons.

Adverts: Attention non-Americans, that tongue-twisting USPS ad about shipping candy and sweets all over the country gives you more of an insight into American psyche more than any film or television show. (Mind you, it's not as funny as this one, which in its own way also provides insight into the American psyche.)

Matt must have been told to look perky during commercial as he certainly does muster up some energy while introducing the Rockettes. Meredith’s perma-smile, however is disturbing.

I remain amazed that kicking in unison manages to render an audience stupefied.

Joel announces Katherine McPhee & Kermit the Frog. Oh, the mediocrity.

Adverts: Use points from Chase Sapphire to get more frivolous things you don’t need with all the debt you’ve racked up.

Matt gives us a very animated history of Santa Claus and the parade. You can see the dollar signs in his eyes.

The first band hits Herald Square, thereby officially beginning the parade (because if you aren’t on television in the US, you do not exist).

Spiderman balloon and Matt’s voice sounds like a carnival barker as he just rattles off names left, right, and centre.

Ocean Spray’s float of a bunch of ugly animals: Jane Krakowski sings some bland Broadway-style song about home. Apparently Ocean Spray wants us to associate it with giant vermin.

Adverts: Why does Hugh Grant still have a career?; Matt Lauer thinks he is Barbara Walters with this sodding People of the Year special. (What did Kobe Bryant do to be included in this list anyway?)

Back to the parade, and a band plays Defying Gravity (thereby causing a lot of musical theatre fans to swoon).

Tom Turkey float: How many times can you say Food Network, M&M? 20? 30?

Meredith does the heavy lifting of the hyping this year, although Matt does a slew of hopping references with regard to Kermit the Frog. Why all the focus? There’s a Muppet special on NBC next month.

The Muppets may have escaped the clutches of the Mouse House, but one of Mickey’s latest tween creations lip-syncs some very bland pop/rock (prock?) song on top of flower pot.

Poor Joel mispronounces Cyndi Lauper’s surname, but given the amount of hokum he has to shovel out today, I sympathise.

Adverts: I would like to see if there is any proof of car sales going up during the holidays, because I really doubt it, Cadillac.

Meredith’s smile is really beginning to unnerve me. Anyway, they intro the Sesame Street float. I’m not going to say anything else as they are in their 40th year.

Another marching band, and they perform Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend rather smartly.

Hometown Heroes float: If a cat requires that many government services to be rescued, then there’s some serious corruption going on. Someone called Jay Sean sings some very bland pop song with a lot of autotune. (Now, I like autotune, but that song had way too much.)

Adverts: The Hamburger Helper hand is no 1234 sock puppet.

Back from commercials, the Chinese American dancers provide a nice respite from the commercialism.

Build-A-Bear float: That girl from Akeelah & The Bee is now another actor/singer. The song is relatively good, but still relatively anonymous.

Pokémon float: Pokémon is still relevant?

Another band, and they perform an impressive version of Respect.

American history: Balloon head George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, a Statue of Liberty float with whoever is Miss America and whoever won the New York marathon. I don’t know why, but it seems a touch tacky.

M&M hype the M&M float which has Alan Cumming on it. Alan Cumming sings a woeful version of That’s Life, mostly because his accent gets in the way. Nonetheless, it’s pleasantly subversive merely because it’s Alan Cumming.

Shrek float: Matt chirps that there’s another Shrek film. Mike Myers must be low on cash.

Some pink castle float: Cyndi Lauper goes disco. She’s lip-syncing (pretty much everyone has to, given the ambient noise), but does a killer job nonetheless.

Advert: NBC thinks what America needs is another choir show, this time a capella. Not going to happen.

Back to the parade, the Nets Senior (as in citizens) Dancers and its Kids Dancers manage to be very impressive.

Al joins M&M, and we now have MAM for the rest of the parade. They intro Gloria Sodding Gaynor singing…oh hell, like I need to tell you what Gloria Gaynor is singing. She’s on a cheerleader-themed float looking like a drag queen. I don’t think she’s aware of the irony.

MAM is noticeably more energetic than M&M, I don’t know what that might say about the relationship between Matt & Meredith, but good god, it’s an improvement.

A DC marching band is as close as I’m going to get this year to seeing something like the Grambling vs.. Southern band playoffs.

Hess float: I still find it strange that Hess does no advertising outside of the holidays. Some random unkempt prock band performs a some boring ballad that goes on way too long.

Speed Racer: Wow they really did expect that film to do better than it did.

Joel announces Ziggy Marley. Seriously. Ziggy Marley.

During the adverts I take a gander at that Karl Stefanovic clip and I must say that a pissed Karl Stefanovic presenting this with Al Roker would be hilarious.

Back in the “real” world is the Jump Rope All-Star team. Alright, you forced my hand:

Yo Gabba Gabba float: I really do not want to hear “There’s A Party in my tummy” and “Get the sillies out” at 11 in the morning. Fortunately I have a few more years before I become a parent.

MAM promo the actual dog show that follows this “dog” show.

Jimmy Dean float (which has no sausage on it): Katherine McPhee has apparently become a country singer. Blame Taylor Swift.

I have noticed these past years that whenever MAM starts, the trio gets very loose and is frequently off-camera, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there are shots or lines being done while we’re watching whatever is going on parade-wise.

Back from commercial: The reason why Ziggy Marley is making an appearance? He’s got a children’s album. Still, not as bizarre as one would think.

A band from California does a decent performance, but the uniforms make them look like undertakers.

MAM starts slurring, so I’m thinking they are doing shots. It helps that they are at the Disney floats and about to go to commercial (not that the two things are related—not at all).

Adverts: Jay Leno at prime 9pm central real estate is hardly anything to be thankful for.

Back to the parade where the annual peculiarity of Native American performances at a Thanksgiving parade goes on.

A West Virginian band gives the Rockettes a serious run for their money.

Gibson guitar float: Jimmy Fallon’s show band is The Roots!? The Roots?! Jimmy Fallon does his very tired shtick of “aren’t me & my Peter Pan Complex cute?” I can’t believe his show band is The Roots.

Matt comments on Fallon’s manic performance: “I think we should’ve had what he had for breakfast.” I think it’s highly illegal, Matt.

Locomotive float: Some country singer. One of the things I have learned since moving to Australia is that country music is relatively the same worldwide. Perhaps the only difference is that US country music tends to be rife full of religious references. (Not all that surprising, remember that America was set up by religious fanatics.)

Adverts: NBC really really wants Chuck to do well. They are hyping it like mad.

Back at the parade, some dance team does a bunch of weird things with a Slinkies. If this was 1984, it would be impressive. Unfortunately it’s not.

NYPD Mounted Unit: A nice normal breather amongst the inanity.

Big Apple float: I always liked the New York Daily News, and their float is nicely subdued. On this float, Cheyenne Jackson sings some cabaret-style song that really makes him come across as a piss-poor imitation of Frank Sinatra.

Joel cuts off the NYPD Marching Band. That’s cold.

Only a little more than a half-hour left. Those musical performances really are filler.

Adverts: I don’t know why Apollo Ohno thinks that the country really needs the Olympic Games. We actually need health care. (By the way, the Winter Olympics seem to be a couple steps above a non-event in Australia. The fact that they are occurring in the middle of Summer, might explain why.)

MAM rattle off float descriptions with lightning speed, so I think they might be running a bit behind schedule.

Care Bear float: Let’s call this the 80s kitsch float, since Carly Simon sings “Let the River Run” while a bunch of Care Bears dance. Seriously, this could have been done in 1989 with no changes whatsoever.

Back from commercials, and MAM just plough through the bad puns.

Showboat float: Every time I see John Pizzarelli I can’t help but think those adverts he did for Foxwoods.

Apparently Macy’s recycles all these balloons for a Holiday Parade at Universal Orlando. (MAM don’t mention the fact that Universal is a sister company of NBC.)

Joel promises us that Santa Claus is coming to town. Believe you me some NBC production assistants are doing every thing to make sure that float hits Macy’s before noon. I had no idea that the dog show was such a major ratings event for the Peacock. Didn’t it used to be the highlight of USA Network’s (now a sister channel) Thanksgiving programming.

Delta float: Andrea Boccelli (who looks really haggard) sings White Christmas. I get the sense that this was the float that might have been holding up traffic.

Towson University sends its marching band, and I wonder why this is the only college marching band.

Al speaks rapidly about the Smurf balloon while Meredith stares blankly at the camera. Matt makes mention of the upcoming Smurf movie. (Jesus wept, just because the Transformers have been revived, it doesn’t mean everything has to be.)

Adverts: The US Ocean Spray cranberry ads are much funnier than their Australian counterparts.

Cornucopia float: Some young woman I’ve never heard of duets with Kermit the Frog in some daft country song about Santa Claus. It’s hard not to have chemistry with Kermit the Frog, but this woman manages to make the song all about her thereby misses the point of the song entirely.

Quick cut to Matt who is now staring at the camera as blankly as Meredith was earlier. I think the two of them are likely bugging out. The producer must think as well, since the next time we see them, MAM are all smiles.

They also are running through the performances quickly since it is now clear to all that the show is very close to running over, and the producers are desperate to get those dogs out on time.

Santa Claus’s arrival: It’s very overwrought and over-the-top, lots of smiling “Broadway” children singing like mad.

MAM do the expected thanks to the troops, volunteers, and each other. It’s very fast because NBC must get to the dogs ASAP.

Well, that’s another parade down, and I have to say that MAM are starting to lose their edge. Mind you, nothing, but nothing could beat the passive-aggressive banter between Matt Lauer & Katie Couric, Meredith just doesn’t match up.

La Perry is a Cheap Hypocrite

Honestly, I am so glad that I live 10000kms away from this man and his evil empire.

La Perry gives US$1 million to the NAACP and calls himself “blessed to be in a position to give.” (Knowing fully well that he could give so much more.)

I find it so terribly hilarious that many people who publicly express their Christian faith tend to forget that humility is a major theme of the Bible.

Since La Perry just gave NAACP a major donation (by their standards), I don’t fault Julian Bond’s praise of him, but I truly doubt that Bond believes that La Perry “is a courageous pioneer in bringing positive images of African American culture and struggles to the screen.”

La Perry had it rough, no doubt, but 21st Century minstrel shows are in no way positive images.

Oh Yes, It's Coming Back

....the Slaughter on Broadway, aka the The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Post-Mortem, that is.

Given the fact that I'm still not completely acclimatised to [US] Central Time, and that the [US] Today Show has gotten even more inane than what I remember it being in June, the knives are going to be out.

Bring your A-Game, Mr. Peacock.

Meanwhile, here's a thanksgiving themed advert from local supermarket Sentry, posted for no other reason than I find it rather entertaining and appropriate given the subject matter.

A Tale of Two Sex Scandals and One Daft Non-Event

South Australia: The SA Premier does the Aussie version of "I have never had sexual relations with that woman."

Milwaukee: The Police Chief, The Journo, the DA, and a whole bunch of non-sequiturs.

I'm still shocked that John Della Bosca actually got involved in one.

Meanwhile, the dumbest current scandal: Adam Lambert kissed a man on television and thrusts his crotch. When Billy (related to two ex-presidents) Bush calls it a non-event on air, you know the US has grown up since Janet Jackson showing her nipple.

Now for something completely different

GO! is airing of all things Dante's Cove, the softcore gay paranormal serial that airs on here! TV.

It should be noted that GO!'s sister channel, the Nine Network, aired the infamous Chances which mixed T & A with campy subplots.

For no other reason than I want to give the ABC some mention during this post, here is the famous ending sequence to seminal ABC comedy show The Aunty Jack Show.

And some clips from the show proper:

Back North

It’s currently 26C (77F), humid, and the Sun feels like it is about to shoot rays through the back of my skull.

This is not Thanksgiving weather for me. Of course, Thanksgiving is not an Australian holiday (it would be rather odd if it was, given Australian history and climate), so I’m heading back to the US through the end of the month.

Currently in Milwaukee it is 43F (6C) and foggy.

That’s much better.

The Telegraph Gets Nasty

Sam Worthington is one of those “up and coming” actors who one is supposed to know, even if you wouldn’t bother going to their “hot” films.

Probably a decent guy, but his publicist has pissed Uncle Rupert off recently.

It started off rather nicely and cheeky in The Perth Times.

Got a bit chilly and barbed in The Herald Sun.

Now it seems rather full-on icy in today’s Telegraph.

I think Worthington might want to reconsider his representation.

What I Have Learned From Seven’s Police Shows

Border Security: Sydney Airport gets a lot of self-righteous idiots trying to smuggle food and/or drugs into Australia; Brisbane Airport gets a lot of self-righteous con artists trying to sneak into Australia to work; Melbourne Airport gets a self-righteous combination of both.

Highway Patrol: Avoid any P-Plate drivers in Victoria, they’re drunk hoons with suspended licenses.

The Force: Perth has extremely patient cops, drunk teens, robbers, and homeless men; Sydney police really hate counterfeit DVDs.

So in summary: Move to Adelaide or Hobart if you want to do anything dodgy. You’ll likely get caught, but you won’t be on national television.

MC Pooty-Poot

Putin at a rap contest.

It seems so bizarre and yet makes total Machiavellian sense at the same time.

China Struggles With Diversity

An interesting article in today’s Sydney Morning Herald, which hopefully will get some traction.

Lou Jing is a 20 year old mixed race (Chinese/Black) Chinese woman who was competing on a Pop Idol style show in Shanghai. Her participation has caused the Chinese public and the Chinese media to look at its own biases towards skin colour.

Reading stories like this often make me take a look at how do I feel as a Black American-Australian.* I came to this country with the preconceived notion that I would stick out severely. I didn’t think of that as a problem—(I’m from Wisconsin!)—but I was prepared for it. Surprisingly, I found Sydney to be extremely diverse. Every day I see people of all shades, including my own, many of whom with an Australian accent to boot.

* An awkward description, but the only one I can think of. According to the last Australian census in 2006 there are 11,798 Australians of African American descent out of a total of 71,718 American-Australians.

Courtesy of YouTube here is a clip of Lou Jing’s appearance on Go! Oriental Girl.

 

Hopefully she will eventually be able to fulfil her dreams and revolutionise her country’s self-perception at the same.

A Tale of Two Countries Part 50

ALP MP calls for curbing immigration from New Zealand.

New Zealand reacts with indifference.

You’re Never Too Young

I was in Wollongong today and saw this advert outside the WIN Entertainment Centre

Australia’s secret to beating the GFC? Child labour.

Please Hammer, Don't Hurt Martin Place

This morning both Sunrise and The Morning Show had MC Hammer of all people on.

Was Hammer so hot that he set Martin Place on fire?

Or was it his desperation of trying to regain some sort of relevance?

The Morning Show did have one redeeming segment--which wasn’t really their own—by showing a clip of Oprah Winfrey interviewing Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. de Rossi’s comments on being a lesbian are particularly notable.

Shockingly, Emdur & Gillies made no reference to the fact that de Rossi is Australian.

Anna Nicole Smith redux

Fortunately or unfortunately Geoffrey Edelsten has no heirs (at least none that seem to be in the public eye), so the Edelsten-Gordon nuptials shouldn’t end in a Federal court.

Nonetheless, it looks like the spirit of Anna Nicole Smith has returned (squeaky voice and all) and is now wreaking havoc and bad taste in Australia. (And we had Chk-chk-boom girl!)

Take a gander at the Garry Marshall directed wedding invite, which has been making the rounds at Seven News today.

For the fashion sensitive, do take a look at what Gordon wore to the Brownlow gala*. (And had Fevola managed to hold it together, she would’ve been the big story, or stories…so to speak.)

* You might want to adjust your speaker volume down for the audio clip.

Skin Rejuvenation?

I was a bit on Sosa’s side yesterday when the picture was released of how his skin has lightened, but the weird explanation today could take me off his band wagon…so to speak.

The explanation? Skin rejuvenation.

A little sleuthing online reveals that this process is mostly to clear up acne scars, sun damage, wrinkles, etc.

Taking a look at the photo again, you’ll see that Sosa’s dark skin appears in May of this year, it also looks relatively clear.

Now, I’m in Australia (and pay attention to the Brewers anyway), but what pray tell happened to this man between May and November to make him “rejuvenate” his skin?

One can only hope it’s not another case of skin bleaching inferiority.

Time will tell, but my gut is telling me that something else is at work.

Time for A "Leave Sammy Alone" campaign?

In this digital age that we live in, one must be a touch sceptical of things, but if one is to believe this article in Yahoo Sports: Sammy Sosa has gotten lighter.

I'm inclined to believe its vitiligo, because if he's intentionally bleaching his skin he will face a wrath akin to a McDonald's franchise at a PETA convention.

Queensland: The Not-So-Smart State?

Much like the US and Canada, each Australian state and territory has a little slogan on their respective license plates: New South Wales is the “first state,” Victoria is “the place to be,” and Queensland has long since been “the Sunshine state.” Recently, Queensland has been trying to upmarket itself as the “Smart state.”

Unfortunately, little cracks seem to be peeking out through the state’s bravado.

Brisbane has achieved the dubious (at least for Queensland) distinction of being the most expensive place to retire, and even regular living is creeping up in terms of cost.

And now their much publicised “best job in the world” campaign hasn’t lured all that many foreigners to Queensland, according to an article in the Sydney Morning Herald.

I’d argue that it’s partly due to the eejit winner they have, but that’s just me, and I’m biased by location.*

* Queensland & New South Wales have a vicious rivalry. Likewise, New South Wales & Victoria. Actually, NSW pretty much doesn’t like any of its neighbours. 

Sunday Jukebox Feels Retro

Perhaps it’s the weather down here, but I think Aki Kara no Summer Time (our summertime that came after autumn) as performed gamely* by Yuuko Nitou seems apropos today. (At least with my out-of-sorts body clock which is still geared for the Northern Hemisphere.)

* Did she just complete a marathon before going onstage or what?

A Broken Clock Part 900

Shockingly, I find myself agreeing with Uncle Rupert vis-a-vis Kevin Rudd…somewhat.

To K-Rudd’s credit, he has done a lot to lift Australia’s international profile, but when it comes down to doing the hard slog at home, he seems content to find any excuse to amble overseas.

As for ETS (emissions trading scheme), it would be great if Rudd or even better Penny Wong, could explain it to the country in plain English. Personally, it sounds like it would work, but it also sounds hatched in CloudCuckooLand.

I surrender

…to Twitterocracy (if that’s the proper term).

I’m going to attempt to keep it updated.

I’m hikarufree on Twitter.

Happy Movember

I’m growing facial hair. Intentionally.

It’s Movember, and the idea is to grow a moustache to draw intention to men’s health awareness.

Here’s a snapshot of what I look like at the moment:

Since I’ve never really let my facial hair grow, I’m going for the beard as well.

It’s itchy, uncomfortable, but it’s for a good cause.

All that said, I wish the 1st of December was tomorrow.

Sydney – New York Nonstop

Ok, the article may mostly be focusing on V Australia going nonstop from Perth to London--(well it is in The West Australian)—but Sydney to New York nonstop?

Currently with a stop in Los Angeles (for fuel and that’s a nigh on 20 hour flight, without a stop I’d reckon that would knock off perhaps 4 hours at best.* Sadistic.

Though I do gladly sing the praises of V Australia.

* It’s been more years than I’d like to remember since I last did a maths class.

Believe it or not…

There is a bit of problem with taxi drivers not being totally comfortable in English here.

It tends to surface most often when one is carrying four huge enviro bags from Woolworth’s in Bondi Junction and eager to get to Redfern before the food goes off.

Meanwhile, I have actually discovered a clip of Nelson Aspen not being annoying:

 

As for his television rival and countryman, Richard Reid, he can be entertaining if you think of him as a present day Lou Costello, and best viewed as part of a compilation of clips…the majority of which he’s not in.

XOXOh please

Now here’s something ludicrous: T-mobile is now claiming that a new crop of men called “metrotextuals” are now using the traditional written kiss (“x”) as a sign off in their text message.

Perhaps I’m just old and a bit conservative in this regard, but I only send kisses to a man I’m involved with.

Smiley faces, on the other hand, are for everyone.

Wednesday Jukebox Wonders What It Would Be Like Backstage

Remember last year where the jukebox was—how shall I say this politely—bemused by Namie Amuro’s homage to the 1960s/70s/80s?

Well, here’s a live performance of the trilogy, and I don’t whether it’s stress, indifference, tiredness, or just the fact that Ms. Amuro is just stoic, but you get the impression that she wants the whole lot done.

Now this may be very unfair, but contrast L’Amuro’s performance with that of Destiny’s Child on the same show (albeit a few years earlier).

Say what you will about the Beyonce juggernaut and her two satellites, but they do at least make an attempt look alive.

7 Hours of Coverage for a 2 Minute Race

When they say it’s the race that stops a nation, they weren’t kidding.

In Melbourne it’s a public holiday.

In the rest of the country, it’s effectively a half day.

And all for a two minute long race.

Seven’s coverage (at least in Sydney) lasted 7 hours long!

By the way, the result? Shocking.