Election 2008: I'm the Catcher!

Note from Fearless Leader: At the request of the Romney campaign, which is eager to show its youth appeal, today's post is by a "J. Smith,"* a college Freshman. Due to technical difficulties, the following is a combination of text messages, transcribed phone conversations, and emails from J.

* ahem.

The Romnster: Who is he?

idk who could not lk totally not vote for romney. he totally pwned the mass congress or sumthin. that's not easy, i mean lk mass was lk this effed up state and romney lk ruled...seriously.

(Ed.: Like the Bushes, the not entirely repugnant father didn't pass on those aspects to the offspring.)

Healthcare

dude, i lk totally dont think the govt knows what'll make u feel better and they totally will give you crap b/c it's like cheap. romney knows this. he roolz.

(Ed.: The Romney Healthcare plan = thinning the herd for more babies, ostensibly so family bands can have a rhythm section.)

Jihadists

idk who these ppl are but lk if they fuck with us, they get fucked under romney.

(Ed.: 1) I don't want to think about Romney doing anything sexual, 2) Jihadists are Muslim extremists who seek to turn the world to one totally governed by Sharia, or Islamic law. Kind of like Salt Lake City, when you think about it. 3) Romney gets a broken clock exception for wanting to support mainstream Muslims over Jihadists, even though it's mere common sense.)

China

they've got lk buckets of money these days and i'm jonesing for a position on wall street. romney is gonna lk keep it all cool b/w us and the chinese. i mean lk i'm not just taking mandarin 101 for nthing, man. we'll still be #1 no matter what!

(Ed.: Mattel. Lead Paint. No strategy from Mitt?)

Gay Marriage

dude, he's cool about that. i mean he ruled mass, man. rom's gots no probs with the gays.

(Ed.: Oh really? Then who was acting all bent out of shape because he couldn't overturn the MA Supreme Court ruling legalising marriage. He has no issue with "the gays" when it comes to votes, but as long as we accept our role as second class citizens. Even more morally bankrupt, he used Massachusetts's old bigoted law preventing out of state interracial marriages and applied to out-of-state gay couples. If he doesn't have a problem, he certainly has a noticeable issue.)

Immigration

secure the border, man. if you can't play by the rules, hasta la vista.

(Ed.: To expand on that point, Catcher wants to use technology to prove one's legal status via a system of biometric data. You don't have to be a Luddite to see the potential pitfalls there.)

Energy

dude, we've got oil! rom knows it and wants to use it.

(Ed.: And the wunderkind that "saved" the 2002 Winter Olympics can't find a way to solve our energy crisis without resorting to bleeding Alaska dry?)

Family Values

lk sarah's bf's roommate's bff/lab partner was lk totally ignored growing up and now she's lk a skank, but she wouldnt be a skank if lk she had decent parents. rom is gonna make it lk illegal to fuck up yr kidz.

(Ed.: Free lobotomies under a Catcher presidency. Okay, two things: 1) On a very shallow note: he's a Mormon!, 2) This is code for no abortions, no stem cells, no gay marriages (again!), and no differences...and I'm still waiting for a pro-lifer to say what he or she plans to do about the adoption system.)

Summary

romney rocks!

(Ed.: Romney is a duplicitous opportunist who through sheer dumb luck and circumstance won the governorship in a state that now nearly universally reviles him. He's the Protestant Giuliani.)