Eurovision 2010 Semi-Final One: It Just Ends

One admission: I have somewhat cheated.

Curiosity got the worst of me and I just had to see the Albanian performance.

I didn’t check any results, just wanted to see it.

Phew! I feel pure again.

Well, this will be the first time I watch Eurovision on a proper television in Australia, and with English language commentary (courtesy of SBS).

Doing the commentating will be Julia Zemiro & Sam Pang. I can only hope they lean more on the Wogan style.

Anyway, Te Deum begins and we have…Julia & Sam walking through Oslo. They spruik Eurovision and mention Aisha & Milan as possible Eurovision stars. (I doubt it.)

Then the real show begins.

Happy little bubbles travelling through Norway. It’s all very modern in stark contrast to 15 years ago when Norway was all Viking-ed out the last time Norway hosted.

(By the way, Ingvild Bryn was the best Eurosong presenter in my book. This trio will be judged against her…harshly.)

The bubbles spell out SHARE THE MOMENT and voila…we are in the Telenor Arena.

The short female presenter does the traditional “Good Evening Europe.”

Julia & Sam start talking and either SBS really is short a penny or there’s some tech difficulties because their microphones are woeful.

So the presenters are Haddy (tall, dark, and statuesque), Erik (blond male cipher), and Nadia (short and competent) or HEN. I think Nadia will be running things while the others look pretty.

Norway is definitely keen to show that is a multicultural nation, and it is worth noting that to my Anglophone ears, HEN sound Scandinavian.

I like that symbolism.

What’s new this year? Juries and televoting from the start. SBS is also taking votes as well.

Julia compliments the presenters.

Postcards are a bit like ESC 1996 & 2003, some shots of the performers getting ready to go onstage and a little clip of the performing country.

Moldova: One of the few that I really liked from the start this. It begins with a violinist spinning around. Olia is looking like a demented ballerina who thinks it is still 1984. Oh lord, that “saxophonist” is milking his time for all it is worth. It’s a bit like Euroband, in fact I dare say they are better than Euroband, since there’s A LOT of movement onstage. (I still want to shove that saxophone down his throat!) The male singer is doing his best to belt this out and actually overpowers poor Olia at times. Bloody hell, that was quick! J&S agree that it was good.

Russia: From a song that I liked to one that I loathe. I know this is supposed to be a joke, but usch…it isn’t working for me. Anyway, Peter literally warbles his way through this song with help from his “friends.” Peter is at least photogenic. Ok, the spoken passage makes the joke a bit more apparent…it’s still a weak joke. The song also seems like a pisstake of doo-wop. Eh. Julia & Sam try to be sarcastic about it, and fail.

Estonia: I also rewatched this song, and I have to revise my opinion. It’s like a deconstruction of a Four Tops song. I like that as a concept. The lead singer seems to be channelling The Divine Comedy, but just.can’t.pull.it.off. By the way, the song has got the most absurd lyrics. I like absurdity, but I do like it to have a point. There is none here. Just style without substance. Plus it just ends. Julia & Sam try to be upbeat about it.

Slovakia: Julia says that it wouldn’t be out of place in Wicked, and she is right. Kristina is dressed like a wood nymph surrounded by male dancers in vine-covered coats. It’s a catchy little tune although the backing singer does some bizarre vocal gymnastics during the bridge. I’m liking this performance and hope that Slovakia isn’t scared by this journey into upbeat songs. Oh, the Vine Boys have ribbons. How twee. This song as well just ends.

Finland: Julia pronounces the band’s name correctly. Sam won’t attempt it. Unpronounceable does a Finnish folk version of the song that just proceeded it. They also bring bags of charisma to it. The fact that they are dressed in white also helps create a fun atmosphere. It’s the sort of song you could imagine singing in a pub.

Cut to J&S in the booth and yes, they do have pretty bad headpieces to talk into.

Ad break! (What do you think you’re watching? The ABC?)

Back from adverts and we get a clip of Julia touring the backstage dressing rooms during the dress rehearsal. Julia speaks to Juliana, and Juliana is funny. Sam speaks to Unpronounceable and brings up Lordi. Unpronounceable is charming. Sam is not.

Latvia: Julia has been mentioning this song all week long, which means CAR CRASH ahead. She all but says so in the intro…”but enjoy the music.” Aisha is very pretty and does her best audition for Oliver! She is a decent singer who is singing a crap song. “Mr. God?” “What for are we living?” Usch. It’s clear that the Latvians are trying to do a foot stomper, but it’s so not necessary. J&S dismiss them.

Serbia: J&S talk about Milan’s hair, and I am still not convinced that he’s a he. (Akiko Wada…think about it.) Anyway, the performance is pretty much drunk Balkan circus sideshow: hiccups, men flinging themselves about, singer of indeterminate gender…It’s catchy, and the female dancers/backers are pretty decent. I don’t think the song calls for break dancing. Sam talks about “Milan-mania” with derision.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: I didn’t really rate this before, but Vukasin has charm and looks, and the Bosnians have gone for dramatic staging with the backing singers. It’s like all the Montenegrin entries but updated for 2010. Although the lyrics are corny as hell, Vuk performs the hell out of it. The mix of businessmen and chorus girls singing backup is a bit of unintentional humour. Still, the song just ends.

Poland: Julia warns that “this might be a bit violent.” Really? Bloody hell, the Poles have got some vocal pipes on them. Marcin seems to stare out into the abyss while folk dancers cavort around him. Julia had mentioned that there was a bit of “Eve & The snake” theme going on. I see it now, though Marchy isn’t doing a good job of being that seductive. Wow…he just “choked” her. I’m liking this for being different. Julia says “it just ends.” Yes, Julia, it just does.

HE go to the green room. Yes, they are meant to be just pretty, no heavy lifting for them. They welcome the very jubilant Poles.

Belgium: Alright, I honestly really really don’t like this kind of music. Still, Tom is considered a bit of a favourite. I find the song awfully self-indulgent like Silvia Night, but without the irony. It is basically Tom Dice playing his guitar. If you like John Mayer, then you’ll like this. I can’t stand John Mayer (the music and the man), so I loathe it. Still, I think Tom has yet to become the arse that John Mayer has become. Good performance of a song that I would dislike no matter who sang it.

Malta: Sam says that Thea’s dream is to resemble Liza Minnelli. So true. Anyway, Thea sings the umpteenth Maltese ballad about dreams and love. If you’ve seen Maltese entries from say 1991 onwards, you pretty much have seen this. Think Disney movie castoff. She sings it well, and there’s no “disconnect” between her and the song, but it’s all about her hitting the glory notes and her dress attempting to fly away in horror from the banality. Holy hell! It did…and turned into a man spinning around onstage. Trippy.

Albania: Now, I like this. The Australian press has called this “Donna Summer-esque.” The backing singers are apparently gospel singers. Juliana’s accent oddly works with this. Juliana is dressed like Alicia Stewart and I do have the urge to sing “Knock on wood” over the chorus. She doesn’t really move onstage, but yet, I’d call this a foot-stomper…although “wood knocker” would be more appropriate. I get the feeling that this is a dark horse. Tirana 2011? I think it’s a possibility. Sam makes a joke about Juliana thinking about her husband that falls flat.

Greece: Bring on the half-naked men. Sam says Giorgios is 33, I doubt that. Anyway, this is also a foot-stomper. Giorgios does a kick-arse job even though he barely moves. (Although he does have a piercing stare) His bare-chested “friends” do all the moving for him. It’s like a Greek male version of Song #1 oddly enough. Dark horse, I say.

Portugal: J&S say it was wise to sing in Portuguese. I agree. Filipa looks quite cute, but the question is will she bring the crazy when the song builds up. She gets close to it in the middle. C’mon Filipa, don’t think pageant, think “Fuck this! I’ve been done wrong.” Getting there…getting there…um…the Evita gesture isn’t exactly what I meant.

Ad break. J&S look well…bored in the booth. Julia makes kind of an attempt at a smile. Sam looks comatose.

Back from the adverts. Sam takes to Milan and I’m still thinking he’s the Serbian Akiko Wada. Julia talks to the dancer from Malta. Sam kisses Milan three times. Milan looks embarrassed…and there are a multitude of reasons as to why. He also tries to get Milan to fix his elbow since Milan is a medical school graduate.

HE sit in the audience and encourage everyone to vote. They look like low-rent royals.

Sam calls Erik “the Norwegian Josh Thomas.” So true.

FYROM: J gives this song the most ridiculous explanation as to what the song is about. Anyway, Gjoko pervs all over a scantily clad female dancer. The Makedonski Dolls proceed to slut up the stage in a completely different song than what Gjoko is in. Then there’s the rap which really just makes this song seem even trashier than it need be. I think FYROM got it right in 2002, 2004, and 2006, and somehow it’s gone awry. J&S call it a mess…indirectly.

Belarus: J&S talk about Petr from last year (“free vodka”). Oh lord, is that guy flat or is that his accent? It’s another power ballad but with lots of unintentional humour thanks to the accent of one of the 2 in 3+2. Why did they chose this over that nice upbeat song? I will never understand Lukashenko-land. Jesus wept, the 3 just sprouted butterfly wings. Well, this has just secured the granny vote. J&S say the gimmick worked. I disagree.

Iceland: Julia says “Iceland has created havoc all over the world, and she will do so with this song.” That bodes well. She also calls it a “showstopper.” Hera regally walks downstage and pretty much kills it. Not quite Lena Ph killing it, but close. The LED lights add a lot to the performance. Surprisingly for a dance song there is little movement, but the vocals make up for it. This is the Swedish entry that the Swedes should have sent, but foolishly didn’t. The crowd is shouting her name afterwards.

HEN announce the voting.

Recap: Moldova got things started off powerfully…Peter’s joke fell flat on me…Estonia’s attempt to deconstruct Motown failed…Slovakia got lost in the vines…Unpronounceable were accordioningly cute…Aisha’s audition was woeful…Milan’s sideshow of androgyny…Bosnia-Herzegovina was a pleasant rocking surprise…Poland was dramatic agitprop well executed…Tom annoyed me, and probably me alone…Thea’s dream is to sing for Uncle Walt…Juliana knocked on wood…Giorgios had his bare chested friends and that is a-ok with me…Filipa nearly brought the crazy…FYR Macedonia was a bit too much going on (so say J&S)…3+2 was –5…Hera brought it.

I say as long as Moldova, Albania, Greece, Portugal, and Iceland get through I’m happy.

Erik harasses Eurovision fans in Oslo. He really does look like Josh Thomas. Oh, there’s a joke here about how Eurovision fans go crazy in front of cameras…It’s very daft. And so is Erik.

Nadia alone onstage bringing some level of gravitas.

Recap again. No change in my opinions, except Peter is REALLY annoying and Aisha’s screeching isn’t cute. I’m also struck by the similarity between Juliana & Today Show Newsreader Georgie Gardner. Should Albania win, I reckon she’ll be urged to mime it.

HE in the green room. It’s a pretty damn huge one too. Erik gives us a bunch of facts rapidly. Haddy tries to do the same, but is too mannered to go too fast. I want her accent. I think it would be good for haranguing taxi drivers.

Just as the counting stops…we have an ad break here on SBS.

Back from adverts and Sam is interviewing Hera. Hera is regal. He also talks to Milan who sounds…different. Julia talks to Juliana and it’s clear that Julia’s supporting Albania.

Nadia asks the question “how did people start singing?” This introduces us to a clip of the various noises people make.

While this is going on, Darling Harbour has fireworks going on and they frankly are drowning this video interval out.

It’s a very cool interval, I reckon it was probably dull for those at Telenor, but Eurovision is a television programme first and foremost. So there.

The final part of the interval act is apparently all those noises coming together in the Telenor. I can’t help but think this is oddly similar to what the BBC came up with back in 1998.

HE go over the rules as a way of introducing the songs pre-qualified for the Final: Spain is OTT and cute…Norway is OTT and maudlin…UK is cute…France is silly dance pop and not trying to be anything else…Germany is quirky cute (running the risk of being annoying) and a dark horse to win it.

Nadia is back and in front of the lectern of Qualification.

Bosnia-Herzegovina gets through…Moldova gets through (YES!)…Russia gets through (Bugger)…Greece gets through (YES!)…Portugal (J&S are shocked, I’m not)…Belarus (J&S as well as myself are shocked)….Serbia is in (Sam reminds us that he kissed him 3 times)…Belgium is in (eh, I’m not surprised…not pleased either)…Albania (Thank god!)…Iceland is in (J&S say the room has gone berserk…I can understand why).

I’m struck by the fact that it would be rather hilarious (in lieu of recent events) if Iceland or Greece hosts next year.