…or the decade that has been.
Tonight after the fireworks at midnight, Channel Nine will be showing Can’t Stop The Music, aka The Village People movie.
It wouldn’t be that bad if the Teens wind up being the 70s in reverse.
It's also a blue moon tonight.
Welcome to Jukebox of the Year, coming this year from Australia. First, the opening act.
Not expecting that, eh?
Our first Jukebox is the American Jukebox of the Year. The nominees are:
The winner is:
Gaga nearly got it, but it’s just not her year on the Jukebox yet. Besides, the record sales are good consolation.
The next Jukebox is Eurovision Jukebox of the Year.
The nominees are:
The winner is:
While Sakis showed nipple, Svetty and her male dancers did everything to recreate Pride Night at the Eagle onstage in Moscow. Add in nonsensical lyrics and pyrotechnics, and Sakis being coy stood no chance.
And now the interval:
Actually, Lady Gaga could probably do a good cover of it.
Now, our third Jukebox of the Year is Japanese.
The nominees are:
The winner is:
Never underestimate the appeal of a cheeky comedy song.
And now, as the punters start getting antsy and full of VB & Toohey’s, here is the Australasian Jukebox of the Year.
The nominees are:
The winner is:
Now this was a major upset. Empire of the Sun had the odds in their favour, and Ladyhawke fought the good Kiwi fight, but alas, it was for naught as Bluejuice took them all out.
And now, let’s close this year’s Jukebox with a clip from an opening ceremony.
Have a wild, energetic, anti-crisis, thrilling 2010 and whatever we wind up calling the coming decade. (Are we even in agreement of the Noughties?)
It’s under 24 hours until the Jukebox of the Year winners are announced, but in the meantime, enjoy a bit of New Year’s Eve Eve dark humour with the news that The Best Job in the World winner has been stung by a deadly jellyfish. (the ABC’s coverage here, Newscorp coverage here.)
He’s not dead, so you can laugh without fear of a major karma hit.
Much like when the Oscars/Emmys/Golden Globes are announced, I am up at some ungodly hour so that it can be broadcast at 8:30 Eastern time…in this particular case, that means Australian Eastern Time. (Psych.)
Apologies for the weak humour, but what would a nomination announcement be without one leaden joke.
Anyway, the nominees for Japanese Jukebox of the Year are:
Kumi Koda – Show Girl
Saori@Destiny – WOW WAR TECHNO
Oshiri Kajiri Mushi (the bottom biting bug)
w-inds – New World
So that’s show girls, sensory overload, bum-biting bugs, and w-inds making a dance army out of an after-hours club. Sorted.
The nominees for Eurovision Jukebox of the Year:
Sukkerchok – Det’ det (from this year’s Danish MGP)
Jahn Teigen & Inger-Lise Rypdal – Voodoo (from the 1976 Norwegian MGP)
Svetlana Loboda – Be my Valentine! (Anti-crisis Girl) (from this year’s Eurovision)
Sakis Rouvas – This Is Our Night (also from this year’s Eurovision)
Surprisingly, this was a tough category to call, particularly with the Eurovision final entries. Still, Sakis showing nipple and the let’s-throw-everything-but-the-kitchen-sink Ukrainian entry pipped poor Zoli Adok and dramatic Patricia Kaas to the post.
A new category this year, the American Jukebox of the Year, which will feature one song that hasn’t actually made it to the jukebox, but acknowledges that the Jukebox isn’t entirely in a vacuum.
BoA – Energetic
Destiny’s Child – Lose My Breath (Live at Music Fair 21)
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance
The Juan Maclean – Happy House
Yes, the Gaga got in, even though she has never appeared on the Jukebox. (You have to have some controversy with an awards show.) Mind you, the competition is pretty rough, and interestingly, Beyonce & Co. are probably the weakest. (If Single Ladies was released this year, it could’ve been a contender, but it wasn’t.) Also, since BoA’s album was targeted at the American market, it counts in the American category.
Finally, the nominees for Australian/New Zealand Jukebox of the Year are:
Bluejuice – Broken Leg
Empire of the Sun – Without You
Empire of the Sun – We Are The People
Ladyhawke – Back of the Van
More controversy here as Without You and Back of the Van never appeared on the Jukebox, but both songs had killer videos…and the category needed padding. The Jukebox had to close ranks here, because if it completely represented the local charts, it would be Empire of the Sun versus the Guy Sebastian juggernaut, and I just would not allow that to happen.
While the nominations are being tallied for Jukebox of the Year 2009, TVNZ has kindly provided a review of the crazy antics out in KiwiLand over the past year.
I poke fun at the Kiwis, but it must be said that while Australia’s top-rated local drama is the very MOR Packed to the Rafters* (which had a heap of controversy over a masturbation scene), theirs is the unabashedly sex, drugs, and Shakespeare Outrageous Fortune.
* Underbelly somewhat redeems Australia in this regard.
Being Australia’s most populous city (although Melbourne & Brisbane are catching up) and most popular (ditto) destination for tourists, Sydney manages to amble along with a heady mix of residents and visitors. For the most part, the two groups tend to stay out of each other’s way, although remain keenly aware of their symbiotic existence.
Unlike many cities in the US, for example, Sydney does cater for the long-term leisure visitor. It makes sense: if you’ve travelled literally halfway around the world, you would want to make the most of the visit and not stay for just a week or two. Yet, the long term visitors have often rubbed the permanent residents the wrong way.
Today’s Sydney Morning Herald gives a glimpse into one skirmish, which could possibly change Sydney’s accommodating attitudes towards tourists.
Mind you, on a completely personal level, I wouldn’t get a thrill out of living in a campervan, showering in public, and eating on the beach.
That probably explains why I won’t be working for Lonely Planet anytime soon.
I have no trouble saying that I think that the whole rigmarole over the public option was silly, but since some constituents (I’m not necessarily going to blame politicians for being political) are lemmings who believe everything they hear on FNC, then this “healthcare breakthrough” and the “exchange” that it creates is the third best outcome one could hope for. (At least that’s my interpretation of the CBC’s report.)
It’s bit like the Copenhagen agreement, when I think about it.
Perhaps indicative of the slow news time (Copenhagen aside) that we are in now, Uncle Rupert’s Daily Telegraph has the drug mishaps of the actors on Home & Away (the less mundane of Australia’s two soap operas) as their front page story.
Interestingly, the story doesn’t make mention of Seven’s new “two strikes and you’re out” policy.
Janet Fife-Yeomans must be channelling Elmore Leonard as some of the passages read like the most pulpiest novel you can imagine:
Lining up some "snow" is just what you do. Sticking a straw or a $100 bill up your nostril and snorting white powder that will eventually eat away your nose, destroy the septum, leave you disfigured. Putting your future up your nose - no big deal. It has a touch of glamour even.
Wow. It's five in the morning and you're beyond excited. You're sitting in a chair in a hair and make-up trailer not far from the North Palm Beach Surf Lifesaving Club, better known in 80 countries around the world as Summer Bay Surf Club House. Your first day on the set of Home And Away, a dream come true.
You've done a lot of modelling although you have little or no acting experience. You're young and handsome and you look right for the part. Basically you will be playing yourself.
Coincidentally, the Epping Studios mentioned in the article shut down this week, as Seven moves to their new facilities in Eveleigh, just adjacent to Redfern…which should elicit a chuckle some.
Personally, I find it funny that Lasance thinks he’s got a good shot in the US*, I’d think Canada or the UK would be the wiser choice.
* Worldwide, it’s interesting to note how few people realise what a strong grip religion and propriety have in the US, especially since Reagan. I think the US is easing up somewhat, but I really don’t think that it has loosened up as much as many non-Americans think it has. Much like the American style of government, American society moves slow in relation to the rest of the world.
…And NZ goes ballistic, well, at least TV3.
We, in Australia, don’t care. Why? We’ve got drug running rugby players and pregnant women.
Mind you, it would help if the Tyra Banks Show would actually air down here. Although I’d rather have Wendy Williams first.
Scary as it may seem—particularly for those of us who were teenagers at the time—the end of the naughties will likely bring on an onslaught of 1990s nostalgia.
Listen, I wore flannel like everyone else and listened to tonnes of Juliana Hatfield/Soul Asylum/Soundgarden, but if we are going to have a 90s revival, could we please do right by the early 90s and bring back proper house music? (And you just know Lady Gaga will gladly participate.)
Perhaps The Juan Maclean’s Happy House can lead the charge?
If news coverage is an indicator, then Australia is preparing for a proverbial “mell of a hess”" with the planned British Airways cabin crew strike.
Australia Post workers going on strike? Not a big deal at all.
For those who remember the cryptic drug admissions of Clinton, Gore, and even Bush-the-younger, the ABC brings us an interesting tale from Tony Abbott’s past: he had some hemp yoghurt in India and proceeded to be "away with the fairies for about 12 hours”.
I bet you can’t find that flavour at Ben & Jerry’s.
By the way, if you’ve been wondering why I have been absent for a good long period of this week, my fiancé & I have inherited a cat. She’s an aging moggy, but nonetheless this past week has been the pet equivalent of taking a parental leave.
A major highlight: getting her to come out, relax, and amble about during the day. Today, she finally did.
I could truly use some of that hemp yoghurt.
I’m rather surprised that my body clock is completely fine with the fact that it is Summer, as long as I manage to avoid any media that does the Christmas = Winter connection.
It does help that for the most part Australian television is pretty much in repeat/low expectations mode until the new year. Down here, the ratings season ends for 10 weeks during Summer and the networks just don’t bother for the most part: Seven goes for Kiwi realty with Borderline and Border Patrol (which are basically Border Security outside the airport and inside the airport respectively), Ten is running a mix of Kiwi and USA Network shows, and Nine is just being Nine.
On the political front, however, there’s been a bucket load of changes: Malcolm Turnbull got kicked out of the Liberal leadership by grinning, Speedo-wearing Conservative Tony Abbott (who pretty much is the Australian Stockwell Day), and Nathan Rees got booted out of the New South Wales premiership by an American-Australian Kristina Keneally. The Australian press swears up and down that her American accent is prominent, but to me she just sounds like a posh Australian (Think Kerri-Anne Kennerley).
Then again, I wouldn’t really notice her accent, would I?
So a "boy” band walks into an afterhours club and proceeds to do Michael & Janet Jackson’s best dancing moves while yelling that they are in a new world.
And it works. How strange is that?
One thing I should mention before kicking this all off: Peter Alexander is the Karl Stefanovic of the US or Karl Stefanovic is the Peter Alexander of Australia. Either way you can practically hear the sea breeze blowing through their ears whenever they are on camera, and they seem to have a tendency to put their feet in their mouths.
The announcer has gone bipolar, sometimes indifferent, other times manic as hell.
Same hosts as always: Al “how many projects can I do at one time” Roker, Matt “Please Take Me Seriously” Lauer, and Meredith “I Gave Up The View for this” Vieira.
Bipolar announcer reads off the names and it’s pretty much the same B and C-listers hyping the no-hope NBC line up. Last year hinted at it, and now it seems pretty blatant: any 1980s kitsch is welcome in this decade of unoriginality (Smurfs? Care Bears?!).
Oh lord, cheerleaders. Now as this parade tends to be the 3rd most popular that brings people to this corner of the internet, I am going to put this in the most simplest way possible: Cheerleaders are very talented acrobats that perform to the most mind-numbingly inane music possible.
This is national television, step up your game.
Bipolar announcer promos a performance by the cast of Hair. I have mentioned on here that I pretty much am opposed to a revival of Hair for several reasons: First, let’s encourage new theatre works not money driven revivals (or at least admit that money is the reason); Second, Hair is a social commentary that has nothing to do with the present, The Cradle Will Rock says more about the present than Hair.
M & M believe that most of us don’t know what hippies are in their intro to Hair.
The performance is good but as I mentioned above it is devoid of any relevance and they could be singing Smack My Bitch Up and sound the same.
Bipolar announcer mentions that Jimmy Fallon will be singing. This sounds more interesting than a revival of Hair.
Adverts: Macy’s has only been a part of our lives for so long because they proceeded to aggressively buy out all their competition, not because they are that good of a store.
Al intros Anthony Anderson & Linus Roache, and I have to wonder why, especially since I thought Law & Order was in its final season, but Al claims that he is “looking forward to many more seasons.” Al is still in better shape than Anthony Anderson.
Meredith explains the plot to sodding Bye, Bye Birdie with John Stamos in the Dick Van Dyke role. The performance is sickeningly sweet, and a perfect reflection of the imaginary world that most of the people who complained about Adam Lambert think still exists.
God this performance is taking ages to finish.
Announcer promises a performance by the hip new musical Billy Elliot. (Shout out to the kid from Parramatta who is one of the new Billys. Billy Elliot is a good show, but it is as hip as Charo.
Al welcomes us back from commercial by harassing the people handling the Ronald McDonald balloon.
M & M intro Billy Elliot. This is the first musical number that manages to entertain.
Announcer calls Parks & Recreation a hit. It’s a hit relative to the network it is on, much like how 9am is the hit mid-morning show on Ten. The bar is pretty low at the Peacock.
M & M use a Google Earth knock-off to show us the parade route. This, my dears, is known as really bad filler, although it is interesting that the parade route is not going down Broadway.
Al & Jillian “Biggest Loser” Michaels harass each other and proceed to tell us all that we are eating too much and if we watch her new show we will learn how to eat.
Usch. The food issues with Americans aren’t because we don’t know how to eat, but because it is more expensive and time consuming to eat healthy.
Al hypes Parks & Recreation and tries to act more interested in the show and the cast than he really is.
Matt intros Shrek: The Musical and his face looks like he too would rather be anywhere else.
Shrek is Shrek, a cute attempt to be ironic and sarky while blatantly cashing in on the movie.
Announcer (it’s Conan O’Brien’s old announcer, which explains so much) promises balloons.
Adverts: Attention non-Americans, that tongue-twisting USPS ad about shipping candy and sweets all over the country gives you more of an insight into American psyche more than any film or television show. (Mind you, it's not as funny as this one, which in its own way also provides insight into the American psyche.)
Matt must have been told to look perky during commercial as he certainly does muster up some energy while introducing the Rockettes. Meredith’s perma-smile, however is disturbing.
I remain amazed that kicking in unison manages to render an audience stupefied.
Joel announces Katherine McPhee & Kermit the Frog. Oh, the mediocrity.
Adverts: Use points from Chase Sapphire to get more frivolous things you don’t need with all the debt you’ve racked up.
Matt gives us a very animated history of Santa Claus and the parade. You can see the dollar signs in his eyes.
The first band hits Herald Square, thereby officially beginning the parade (because if you aren’t on television in the US, you do not exist).
Spiderman balloon and Matt’s voice sounds like a carnival barker as he just rattles off names left, right, and centre.
Ocean Spray’s float of a bunch of ugly animals: Jane Krakowski sings some bland Broadway-style song about home. Apparently Ocean Spray wants us to associate it with giant vermin.
Adverts: Why does Hugh Grant still have a career?; Matt Lauer thinks he is Barbara Walters with this sodding People of the Year special. (What did Kobe Bryant do to be included in this list anyway?)
Back to the parade, and a band plays Defying Gravity (thereby causing a lot of musical theatre fans to swoon).
Tom Turkey float: How many times can you say Food Network, M&M? 20? 30?
Meredith does the heavy lifting of the hyping this year, although Matt does a slew of hopping references with regard to Kermit the Frog. Why all the focus? There’s a Muppet special on NBC next month.
The Muppets may have escaped the clutches of the Mouse House, but one of Mickey’s latest tween creations lip-syncs some very bland pop/rock (prock?) song on top of flower pot.
Poor Joel mispronounces Cyndi Lauper’s surname, but given the amount of hokum he has to shovel out today, I sympathise.
Adverts: I would like to see if there is any proof of car sales going up during the holidays, because I really doubt it, Cadillac.
Meredith’s smile is really beginning to unnerve me. Anyway, they intro the Sesame Street float. I’m not going to say anything else as they are in their 40th year.
Another marching band, and they perform Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend rather smartly.
Hometown Heroes float: If a cat requires that many government services to be rescued, then there’s some serious corruption going on. Someone called Jay Sean sings some very bland pop song with a lot of autotune. (Now, I like autotune, but that song had way too much.)
Adverts: The Hamburger Helper hand is no 1234 sock puppet.
Back from commercials, the Chinese American dancers provide a nice respite from the commercialism.
Build-A-Bear float: That girl from Akeelah & The Bee is now another actor/singer. The song is relatively good, but still relatively anonymous.
Pokémon float: Pokémon is still relevant?
Another band, and they perform an impressive version of Respect.
American history: Balloon head George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, a Statue of Liberty float with whoever is Miss America and whoever won the New York marathon. I don’t know why, but it seems a touch tacky.
M&M hype the M&M float which has Alan Cumming on it. Alan Cumming sings a woeful version of That’s Life, mostly because his accent gets in the way. Nonetheless, it’s pleasantly subversive merely because it’s Alan Cumming.
Shrek float: Matt chirps that there’s another Shrek film. Mike Myers must be low on cash.
Some pink castle float: Cyndi Lauper goes disco. She’s lip-syncing (pretty much everyone has to, given the ambient noise), but does a killer job nonetheless.
Advert: NBC thinks what America needs is another choir show, this time a capella. Not going to happen.
Back to the parade, the Nets Senior (as in citizens) Dancers and its Kids Dancers manage to be very impressive.
Al joins M&M, and we now have MAM for the rest of the parade. They intro Gloria Sodding Gaynor singing…oh hell, like I need to tell you what Gloria Gaynor is singing. She’s on a cheerleader-themed float looking like a drag queen. I don’t think she’s aware of the irony.
MAM is noticeably more energetic than M&M, I don’t know what that might say about the relationship between Matt & Meredith, but good god, it’s an improvement.
A DC marching band is as close as I’m going to get this year to seeing something like the Grambling vs.. Southern band playoffs.
Hess float: I still find it strange that Hess does no advertising outside of the holidays. Some random unkempt prock band performs a some boring ballad that goes on way too long.
Speed Racer: Wow they really did expect that film to do better than it did.
Joel announces Ziggy Marley. Seriously. Ziggy Marley.
During the adverts I take a gander at that Karl Stefanovic clip and I must say that a pissed Karl Stefanovic presenting this with Al Roker would be hilarious.
Back in the “real” world is the Jump Rope All-Star team. Alright, you forced my hand:
Yo Gabba Gabba float: I really do not want to hear “There’s A Party in my tummy” and “Get the sillies out” at 11 in the morning. Fortunately I have a few more years before I become a parent.
MAM promo the actual dog show that follows this “dog” show.
Jimmy Dean float (which has no sausage on it): Katherine McPhee has apparently become a country singer. Blame Taylor Swift.
I have noticed these past years that whenever MAM starts, the trio gets very loose and is frequently off-camera, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there are shots or lines being done while we’re watching whatever is going on parade-wise.
Back from commercial: The reason why Ziggy Marley is making an appearance? He’s got a children’s album. Still, not as bizarre as one would think.
A band from California does a decent performance, but the uniforms make them look like undertakers.
MAM starts slurring, so I’m thinking they are doing shots. It helps that they are at the Disney floats and about to go to commercial (not that the two things are related—not at all).
Adverts: Jay Leno at prime 9pm central real estate is hardly anything to be thankful for.
Back to the parade where the annual peculiarity of Native American performances at a Thanksgiving parade goes on.
A West Virginian band gives the Rockettes a serious run for their money.
Gibson guitar float: Jimmy Fallon’s show band is The Roots!? The Roots?! Jimmy Fallon does his very tired shtick of “aren’t me & my Peter Pan Complex cute?” I can’t believe his show band is The Roots.
Matt comments on Fallon’s manic performance: “I think we should’ve had what he had for breakfast.” I think it’s highly illegal, Matt.
Locomotive float: Some country singer. One of the things I have learned since moving to Australia is that country music is relatively the same worldwide. Perhaps the only difference is that US country music tends to be rife full of religious references. (Not all that surprising, remember that America was set up by religious fanatics.)
Adverts: NBC really really wants Chuck to do well. They are hyping it like mad.
Back at the parade, some dance team does a bunch of weird things with a Slinkies. If this was 1984, it would be impressive. Unfortunately it’s not.
NYPD Mounted Unit: A nice normal breather amongst the inanity.
Big Apple float: I always liked the New York Daily News, and their float is nicely subdued. On this float, Cheyenne Jackson sings some cabaret-style song that really makes him come across as a piss-poor imitation of Frank Sinatra.
Joel cuts off the NYPD Marching Band. That’s cold.
Only a little more than a half-hour left. Those musical performances really are filler.
Adverts: I don’t know why Apollo Ohno thinks that the country really needs the Olympic Games. We actually need health care. (By the way, the Winter Olympics seem to be a couple steps above a non-event in Australia. The fact that they are occurring in the middle of Summer, might explain why.)
MAM rattle off float descriptions with lightning speed, so I think they might be running a bit behind schedule.
Care Bear float: Let’s call this the 80s kitsch float, since Carly Simon sings “Let the River Run” while a bunch of Care Bears dance. Seriously, this could have been done in 1989 with no changes whatsoever.
Back from commercials, and MAM just plough through the bad puns.
Showboat float: Every time I see John Pizzarelli I can’t help but think those adverts he did for Foxwoods.
Apparently Macy’s recycles all these balloons for a Holiday Parade at Universal Orlando. (MAM don’t mention the fact that Universal is a sister company of NBC.)
Joel promises us that Santa Claus is coming to town. Believe you me some NBC production assistants are doing every thing to make sure that float hits Macy’s before noon. I had no idea that the dog show was such a major ratings event for the Peacock. Didn’t it used to be the highlight of USA Network’s (now a sister channel) Thanksgiving programming.
Delta float: Andrea Boccelli (who looks really haggard) sings White Christmas. I get the sense that this was the float that might have been holding up traffic.
Towson University sends its marching band, and I wonder why this is the only college marching band.
Al speaks rapidly about the Smurf balloon while Meredith stares blankly at the camera. Matt makes mention of the upcoming Smurf movie. (Jesus wept, just because the Transformers have been revived, it doesn’t mean everything has to be.)
Adverts: The US Ocean Spray cranberry ads are much funnier than their Australian counterparts.
Cornucopia float: Some young woman I’ve never heard of duets with Kermit the Frog in some daft country song about Santa Claus. It’s hard not to have chemistry with Kermit the Frog, but this woman manages to make the song all about her thereby misses the point of the song entirely.
Quick cut to Matt who is now staring at the camera as blankly as Meredith was earlier. I think the two of them are likely bugging out. The producer must think as well, since the next time we see them, MAM are all smiles.
They also are running through the performances quickly since it is now clear to all that the show is very close to running over, and the producers are desperate to get those dogs out on time.
Santa Claus’s arrival: It’s very overwrought and over-the-top, lots of smiling “Broadway” children singing like mad.
MAM do the expected thanks to the troops, volunteers, and each other. It’s very fast because NBC must get to the dogs ASAP.
Well, that’s another parade down, and I have to say that MAM are starting to lose their edge. Mind you, nothing, but nothing could beat the passive-aggressive banter between Matt Lauer & Katie Couric, Meredith just doesn’t match up.
Honestly, I am so glad that I live 10000kms away from this man and his evil empire.
La Perry gives US$1 million to the NAACP and calls himself “blessed to be in a position to give.” (Knowing fully well that he could give so much more.)
I find it so terribly hilarious that many people who publicly express their Christian faith tend to forget that humility is a major theme of the Bible.
Since La Perry just gave NAACP a major donation (by their standards), I don’t fault Julian Bond’s praise of him, but I truly doubt that Bond believes that La Perry “is a courageous pioneer in bringing positive images of African American culture and struggles to the screen.”
La Perry had it rough, no doubt, but 21st Century minstrel shows are in no way positive images.
