The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade 2007 Post-Mortem

This ought to be a fun show.

The stagehands are on strike.

The writers are on strike.

Please let there be some agitprop!

Anyway, "Camp Broadway" has their annual saccharine tribute to god knows what, but look! It's kids with ribbons!

And Matt & Meredith are in the middle of the sugary sweetness all of a sudden. They toss to Al.

Al gives the standard send-off for the march. Surprisingly, the banter is not stilted. (Scabs?)

And it's let's have an ode to commercialism.

Deep-voiced announcer gives down the rundown of celebrities and shows and I sense that this might be the first evidence of the strike's effect: only 3 shows and half the celebrities, most of whom are NBC plugs for struggling shows. (Although let's be honest, only Howie Mandel and John Madden are the only people on NBC shows which aren't struggling.)

After commercial we have desperate network plug #1: Jane Krakowski begs us to watch 30 Rock.

Meanwhile, Matt & Meredith plug the first of only 3 musicals this year: Legally Blonde.

It's a minor improvement on Camp Broadway. Minor being the operative word, since they are doing the same amount of flinging about over inane lyrics.

Deep voiced announcer hypes Bob Saget, who will be doing the exact same thing as Martin Short last year, which is flying over the parade providing quips. I doubt they'll be full of swears, but we can hope.

As we come back from commercial: the aerial shot shows somebody dangling their child off the balcony!

NBC plug #2: Patti Labelle tries to interest us in the inanity that is Battle of the Choirs and her Christmas CD. Al Roker apparently did several lines because he's really animated in the plug.

Matt & Meredith drowsily attempt to interest us in Young Frankenstein.

Roger Bart is no Gene Wilder, and is quite honestly dialing it in. Sutton Foster, however, is apparently game enough to lift for both herself, him, and the man playing Igor.

This show is no Producers, people, and they ought to be glad that they aren't affected by the strike.

Matt & Meredith send a message of support to everyone affected by the [stagehands'] strike. They say nothing about the writers, which is very telling about who wrote their banter. (I hope that somebody sabotages their teleprompter.)

Bob Saget makes a good theatre strike joke preflight. He proceeds kick Martin Short's ass in terms of comedy during the parade route tour.

M&M hype Xanadu, which in all honesty, is the only decent show of this lot. As much as I hate Douglas Carter Beane, he did turn in an excellent satirical script.

Anyway: roller skates, Cheyenne Jackson, falsettos, and Andre Ward. Not too bad when combined. Fun fact: Jane Krakowski turned down the female lead in Xanadu in order to do 30 Rock. Oops.

My new favourite ad: US Cellular has an ad where a flower delivery man complains to a woman about his asthma.

NBC Desperation Plug #3: Al Roker talks to 2 of cast members from Heroes who must be on some sort of pharmaceutical (or just fear of cancellation) to be that perky. Al cuts them off to screech "It's Nikki Blonsky!" Burn!

After commercial, we have Christopher Meloni & daughter with NBC Desperation Plug #4. He does not look like he's drunk or high like that interview he had on Morning Blend. He is also drowned out by a marching band. Meloni is the only one so far to get out of these plugs with some shred of dignity, and he was assaulted by a band, clowns, and Al Roker.

Meredith makes a SVU/SUV reference to Al's flub. Matt rolls his eyes. They intro Mary Poppins.

I am beginning to think that Disney-on-Broadway execs have a bet going on to see what is the worst show they can keep running. Clearly MP is up there, but then again, I would've greenlit an Aristocats musical a long time before this.

Commercial for Battle of the Choirs, and yes, it looks like a big ol' Port Of Spain (POS).

M&M intro The Rockettes.

The Rockettes kick and march about Herald Square and I really don't get the connection between the number and "New York at Christmas," but I'm not a choreographer.

Perhaps it's me, but does it seem like there are twice the amount of ads so far this year?

And the parade makes it to Herald Square and M&M are plotzing.

(I am so happy not to be there this morning.)

Something called "The Great American Marching Band" performs "Swing Swing Swing" and the placement of stars is hilarious as blatant synergy.

Dolly Parton sings on a Showboat float, although she looks extremely nervous. It's rather funny that everybody on the float is desperately trying to cover up the fact that they are lip-syncing.

M&M give the standard "Pilgrims good, Native Americans who?" version of Thanksgiving in reference to the Turkey float.

Abby Cadabby balloon: Eh. M&M are looking for another gram to get through the next 2 hours.

Sesame Street float: The annual chance to see how many of those cast members are still alive. (My god, Bob is still on that show? Good god, man, retire!)

M&M have found their lines and I find myself missing Katie Couric and the fact that she was considerably more aware of the camp factor and didn't let Lauer overshadow.

Jonas Brothers/Build-A-Bear-Dammit float: Who are these people? Click 5 for 2007? They look like they need a flea bath. Mediocre song, but they cover up their lip-syncing better than Dolly Parton...sadly.

After commercial: Clowns and Barbie (buy my DVD!)

Perhaps it's me, but I'm a bit perplexed: after Barbie has encouraged millions of girls to go out be businesswomen, pilots, and political leaders, she is now encouraging girls to be bitchy overbearing princesses with extreme self-entitlement.

Utah marching band: As much soul as an Osmond Family TV special in Iceland.

Another reason to miss Katie Couric: she might've been able to make Hello Kitty seem interesting. Of course, the good writers are on strike, so I don't entirely blame M&M for making do with a poor script.

(By the way, La Couric is not fronting CBS's coverage, Hannah Storm & Dave Price are. Yikes.)

After commercial: Up With People sing some song that doesn't know if it wants to be dance or world, either way it's crap.

Animal Planet: Bindi Irwin & "The Crocmen" sing something about jumping and my jaw just drops. It's just so...mind-boggling and inane, like a blatant attempt to ride upon the Wiggles bandwagon combined with the "oh she's soldiering on without her dad" sentiment that the weak-minded would fall for. Dignity, what's that?

Some band of clowns does something, but I'm still recovering from The Irwins' slaughter on Herald Square.

Two random Broadway actors sing "Give My Regards to Broadway" on the M&M float. It's really not all that interesting except they are not lip syncing and it features a completely unnecessary electric guitar score.

NYC Parks Mounted Patrol ride into Herald Square and I wonder if those horses could sue for animal abuse.

The Virginia Tech band: M&M act all solemn because of THAT incident. The band does nothing of note except march back and forth again and again and again. But you know, we can't cut away early because of THAT incident.

Rant of the day: When did it become illegal for shit to happen? Let's be honest, anyone can find reasons for others to "feel their pain."

USPS float: Crap MOR band Lifehouse looks bored or just sultry. They also make no attempt to cover up their miming.

After commercial: An insurance company provides a Malt Shop inspired float. (Draw your own cynical conclusions.) Anyway, Nikki Blonsky (apparently she was in Hairspray) sings live and decently.

Al has now joined M&M which means there might very well be some life in the commentators' booth from here on in--if only because Al carries the good pure stuff and M&M have been running low.

Evidence: Matt actually sounds interested in a bunch of cheerleaders thrusting pom poms in the air to 1950s songs. As for me, not even a cigarette could give me seem remotely interested.

Some twink called Ne-Yo lip-syncs on the cheerleaders' float. He has a career why?

After commercial: A bunch of kids from New York clog dance. That's right, a bunch of kids from New York clog dance. MAM are as dumbfounded as I am. The kids are good, but again, a bunch of kids from New York clog dance.

New York Daily News float: Menudo (nuevo) give the first decent performance on the smallest performance space seen so far. All other acts should hold their heads in shame. MAM are impressed.

This is followed up by a band from Indiana murdering "Gee, Officer Krupke."

Fireman float and then Hess float with Good Charlotte proceeding to blow any cred they might have, even with a decent song like "Dancefloor Anthem"--since they are followed by the Energizer Bunny.

MAM start on the next baggie.

After commercial: Pirate float (complete with Al Roker doing a piss-poor pirate imitation). Sarah Brightman sings some trance-like song called "Journey Home" and I am tempted to say that the performances from Good Charlotte onwards are going to be better. Let's be honest though, all you have to do is lip-sync believably.

Some random band from Kentucky performs songs from the Nutcracker. The flag team are waving some flag that looks like a hybrid of the Maryland & Estonian flags. They're good, but I see no Nutcracker connection.

One possible reason why MAM are becoming more alert: They have to push those NBC Universal products! Represented at this particular instance by the Shrek balloon.

Cartoon Network float: I have never particularly cared for that song, but I never want to hear "You Make Me Live" sung like that again.

Jeff Koons's Rabbit: Damn impressive. MAM are impressed as well.

Some Alabama band performs "Oh Susannah." Maybe it's me, but I think it's a little bit in poor taste.

Rhino Mountain float: What the hell is that supposed to be for? Some High School Musical castoff lip-syncs "Last Christmas" relatively well, although she misses the point of the lyrics.

Commercial: Why not use your Citicard to get a haircut instead of a cheap suit? And NBC is so starved for ratings that they are reviving American Gladitors?

Horn of Plenty float: The Cherokee National Choir sings "Jingle Bells" in Cherokee. While this is quite a momentous occasion (think about it), but am I the only one who thinks this is also a bit wrong like using a $20 bill to an AIM supporter (and I'm not referring to an instant messenger).

OU band: Bigger is rarely better.

Pillsbury float: Jordin Sparks tries to justify her win by poorly lip-syncing her own song. I guess it was a bad year on American Idol.

After commercial: An acrobat hits his brother in the crotch. Yep, it's the good stuff now.

Space float: Another High School Musical castoff whines his way through his song with lyrics last heard on California Dreams's Christmas special.

After commercial: Willard Scott gestures wildly outside an antique car freaking out the Centarian Queen of the parade.

History Channel float: Michael Feinstein and Anika Noni Rose sing (live!) between showing off their teeth. Decent performance, but what I find interesting is that there is a sly plug for Terrance McNally's The Ritz.

NYPD Marching Band butchers Silver Bells. (Insert police brutality joke.)

American Greetings float: The Care Bears are back? And who is this Kay Hanley girl? She has no talent and sounds like a poor man's Lindsay Lohan. At least Vanilla Ninja have some talent and sing about heroin.

After commercial: Dancing trees. The drugs have kicked in for MAM, but since all I have is a Max menthol, I just see weirdness.

Weirdness that is enhanced by a marching band that is seeming composed of SWAT team members and women in pigtails. I am not kidding.

Gibson guitar float: Wynonna Judd (looking like Sandy Patty meets Greta Garbo) barely lip syncs "I'll Be Home for Christmas." If she thinks that waving an American flag will save her, she's so wrong. That has to be the most laziest rendition of that song I have ever heard.

After Commercial: A bunch of Rockette wannabes thrust cardboard cutouts of presents and candy canes up in the air, thus emphasising the low-rent cheapness that is this year's parade.

And we have Santa Claus and MAM actually manage to sound excited.

While I can sense that the march of time has done a number on me, but this year's effort has been subpar at best. If this is an indicator for the strikes to be settled, then I suggest GE & the League get their asses in gear.

When Menudo is the best thing on it, you have to wonder.