One thing I should mention before kicking this all off: Peter Alexander is the Karl Stefanovic of the US or Karl Stefanovic is the Peter Alexander of Australia. Either way you can practically hear the sea breeze blowing through their ears whenever they are on camera, and they seem to have a tendency to put their feet in their mouths.
The announcer has gone bipolar, sometimes indifferent, other times manic as hell.
Same hosts as always: Al “how many projects can I do at one time” Roker, Matt “Please Take Me Seriously” Lauer, and Meredith “I Gave Up The View for this” Vieira.
Bipolar announcer reads off the names and it’s pretty much the same B and C-listers hyping the no-hope NBC line up. Last year hinted at it, and now it seems pretty blatant: any 1980s kitsch is welcome in this decade of unoriginality (Smurfs? Care Bears?!).
Oh lord, cheerleaders. Now as this parade tends to be the 3rd most popular that brings people to this corner of the internet, I am going to put this in the most simplest way possible: Cheerleaders are very talented acrobats that perform to the most mind-numbingly inane music possible.
This is national television, step up your game.
Bipolar announcer promos a performance by the cast of Hair. I have mentioned on here that I pretty much am opposed to a revival of Hair for several reasons: First, let’s encourage new theatre works not money driven revivals (or at least admit that money is the reason); Second, Hair is a social commentary that has nothing to do with the present, The Cradle Will Rock says more about the present than Hair.
M & M believe that most of us don’t know what hippies are in their intro to Hair.
The performance is good but as I mentioned above it is devoid of any relevance and they could be singing Smack My Bitch Up and sound the same.
Bipolar announcer mentions that Jimmy Fallon will be singing. This sounds more interesting than a revival of Hair.
Adverts: Macy’s has only been a part of our lives for so long because they proceeded to aggressively buy out all their competition, not because they are that good of a store.
Al intros Anthony Anderson & Linus Roache, and I have to wonder why, especially since I thought Law & Order was in its final season, but Al claims that he is “looking forward to many more seasons.” Al is still in better shape than Anthony Anderson.
Meredith explains the plot to sodding Bye, Bye Birdie with John Stamos in the Dick Van Dyke role. The performance is sickeningly sweet, and a perfect reflection of the imaginary world that most of the people who complained about Adam Lambert think still exists.
God this performance is taking ages to finish.
Announcer promises a performance by the hip new musical Billy Elliot. (Shout out to the kid from Parramatta who is one of the new Billys. Billy Elliot is a good show, but it is as hip as Charo.
Al welcomes us back from commercial by harassing the people handling the Ronald McDonald balloon.
M & M intro Billy Elliot. This is the first musical number that manages to entertain.
Announcer calls Parks & Recreation a hit. It’s a hit relative to the network it is on, much like how 9am is the hit mid-morning show on Ten. The bar is pretty low at the Peacock.
M & M use a Google Earth knock-off to show us the parade route. This, my dears, is known as really bad filler, although it is interesting that the parade route is not going down Broadway.
Al & Jillian “Biggest Loser” Michaels harass each other and proceed to tell us all that we are eating too much and if we watch her new show we will learn how to eat.
Usch. The food issues with Americans aren’t because we don’t know how to eat, but because it is more expensive and time consuming to eat healthy.
Al hypes Parks & Recreation and tries to act more interested in the show and the cast than he really is.
Matt intros Shrek: The Musical and his face looks like he too would rather be anywhere else.
Shrek is Shrek, a cute attempt to be ironic and sarky while blatantly cashing in on the movie.
Announcer (it’s Conan O’Brien’s old announcer, which explains so much) promises balloons.
Adverts: Attention non-Americans, that tongue-twisting USPS ad about shipping candy and sweets all over the country gives you more of an insight into American psyche more than any film or television show. (Mind you, it's not as funny as this one, which in its own way also provides insight into the American psyche.)
Matt must have been told to look perky during commercial as he certainly does muster up some energy while introducing the Rockettes. Meredith’s perma-smile, however is disturbing.
I remain amazed that kicking in unison manages to render an audience stupefied.
Joel announces Katherine McPhee & Kermit the Frog. Oh, the mediocrity.
Adverts: Use points from Chase Sapphire to get more frivolous things you don’t need with all the debt you’ve racked up.
Matt gives us a very animated history of Santa Claus and the parade. You can see the dollar signs in his eyes.
The first band hits Herald Square, thereby officially beginning the parade (because if you aren’t on television in the US, you do not exist).
Spiderman balloon and Matt’s voice sounds like a carnival barker as he just rattles off names left, right, and centre.
Ocean Spray’s float of a bunch of ugly animals: Jane Krakowski sings some bland Broadway-style song about home. Apparently Ocean Spray wants us to associate it with giant vermin.
Adverts: Why does Hugh Grant still have a career?; Matt Lauer thinks he is Barbara Walters with this sodding People of the Year special. (What did Kobe Bryant do to be included in this list anyway?)
Back to the parade, and a band plays Defying Gravity (thereby causing a lot of musical theatre fans to swoon).
Tom Turkey float: How many times can you say Food Network, M&M? 20? 30?
Meredith does the heavy lifting of the hyping this year, although Matt does a slew of hopping references with regard to Kermit the Frog. Why all the focus? There’s a Muppet special on NBC next month.
The Muppets may have escaped the clutches of the Mouse House, but one of Mickey’s latest tween creations lip-syncs some very bland pop/rock (prock?) song on top of flower pot.
Poor Joel mispronounces Cyndi Lauper’s surname, but given the amount of hokum he has to shovel out today, I sympathise.
Adverts: I would like to see if there is any proof of car sales going up during the holidays, because I really doubt it, Cadillac.
Meredith’s smile is really beginning to unnerve me. Anyway, they intro the Sesame Street float. I’m not going to say anything else as they are in their 40th year.
Another marching band, and they perform Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend rather smartly.
Hometown Heroes float: If a cat requires that many government services to be rescued, then there’s some serious corruption going on. Someone called Jay Sean sings some very bland pop song with a lot of autotune. (Now, I like autotune, but that song had way too much.)
Adverts: The Hamburger Helper hand is no 1234 sock puppet.
Back from commercials, the Chinese American dancers provide a nice respite from the commercialism.
Build-A-Bear float: That girl from Akeelah & The Bee is now another actor/singer. The song is relatively good, but still relatively anonymous.
Pokémon float: Pokémon is still relevant?
Another band, and they perform an impressive version of Respect.
American history: Balloon head George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, a Statue of Liberty float with whoever is Miss America and whoever won the New York marathon. I don’t know why, but it seems a touch tacky.
M&M hype the M&M float which has Alan Cumming on it. Alan Cumming sings a woeful version of That’s Life, mostly because his accent gets in the way. Nonetheless, it’s pleasantly subversive merely because it’s Alan Cumming.
Shrek float: Matt chirps that there’s another Shrek film. Mike Myers must be low on cash.
Some pink castle float: Cyndi Lauper goes disco. She’s lip-syncing (pretty much everyone has to, given the ambient noise), but does a killer job nonetheless.
Advert: NBC thinks what America needs is another choir show, this time a capella. Not going to happen.
Back to the parade, the Nets Senior (as in citizens) Dancers and its Kids Dancers manage to be very impressive.
Al joins M&M, and we now have MAM for the rest of the parade. They intro Gloria Sodding Gaynor singing…oh hell, like I need to tell you what Gloria Gaynor is singing. She’s on a cheerleader-themed float looking like a drag queen. I don’t think she’s aware of the irony.
MAM is noticeably more energetic than M&M, I don’t know what that might say about the relationship between Matt & Meredith, but good god, it’s an improvement.
A DC marching band is as close as I’m going to get this year to seeing something like the Grambling vs.. Southern band playoffs.
Hess float: I still find it strange that Hess does no advertising outside of the holidays. Some random unkempt prock band performs a some boring ballad that goes on way too long.
Speed Racer: Wow they really did expect that film to do better than it did.
Joel announces Ziggy Marley. Seriously. Ziggy Marley.
During the adverts I take a gander at that Karl Stefanovic clip and I must say that a pissed Karl Stefanovic presenting this with Al Roker would be hilarious.
Back in the “real” world is the Jump Rope All-Star team. Alright, you forced my hand:
Yo Gabba Gabba float: I really do not want to hear “There’s A Party in my tummy” and “Get the sillies out” at 11 in the morning. Fortunately I have a few more years before I become a parent.
MAM promo the actual dog show that follows this “dog” show.
Jimmy Dean float (which has no sausage on it): Katherine McPhee has apparently become a country singer. Blame Taylor Swift.
I have noticed these past years that whenever MAM starts, the trio gets very loose and is frequently off-camera, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there are shots or lines being done while we’re watching whatever is going on parade-wise.
Back from commercial: The reason why Ziggy Marley is making an appearance? He’s got a children’s album. Still, not as bizarre as one would think.
A band from California does a decent performance, but the uniforms make them look like undertakers.
MAM starts slurring, so I’m thinking they are doing shots. It helps that they are at the Disney floats and about to go to commercial (not that the two things are related—not at all).
Adverts: Jay Leno at prime 9pm central real estate is hardly anything to be thankful for.
Back to the parade where the annual peculiarity of Native American performances at a Thanksgiving parade goes on.
A West Virginian band gives the Rockettes a serious run for their money.
Gibson guitar float: Jimmy Fallon’s show band is The Roots!? The Roots?! Jimmy Fallon does his very tired shtick of “aren’t me & my Peter Pan Complex cute?” I can’t believe his show band is The Roots.
Matt comments on Fallon’s manic performance: “I think we should’ve had what he had for breakfast.” I think it’s highly illegal, Matt.
Locomotive float: Some country singer. One of the things I have learned since moving to Australia is that country music is relatively the same worldwide. Perhaps the only difference is that US country music tends to be rife full of religious references. (Not all that surprising, remember that America was set up by religious fanatics.)
Adverts: NBC really really wants Chuck to do well. They are hyping it like mad.
Back at the parade, some dance team does a bunch of weird things with a Slinkies. If this was 1984, it would be impressive. Unfortunately it’s not.
NYPD Mounted Unit: A nice normal breather amongst the inanity.
Big Apple float: I always liked the New York Daily News, and their float is nicely subdued. On this float, Cheyenne Jackson sings some cabaret-style song that really makes him come across as a piss-poor imitation of Frank Sinatra.
Joel cuts off the NYPD Marching Band. That’s cold.
Only a little more than a half-hour left. Those musical performances really are filler.
Adverts: I don’t know why Apollo Ohno thinks that the country really needs the Olympic Games. We actually need health care. (By the way, the Winter Olympics seem to be a couple steps above a non-event in Australia. The fact that they are occurring in the middle of Summer, might explain why.)
MAM rattle off float descriptions with lightning speed, so I think they might be running a bit behind schedule.
Care Bear float: Let’s call this the 80s kitsch float, since Carly Simon sings “Let the River Run” while a bunch of Care Bears dance. Seriously, this could have been done in 1989 with no changes whatsoever.
Back from commercials, and MAM just plough through the bad puns.
Showboat float: Every time I see John Pizzarelli I can’t help but think those adverts he did for Foxwoods.
Apparently Macy’s recycles all these balloons for a Holiday Parade at Universal Orlando. (MAM don’t mention the fact that Universal is a sister company of NBC.)
Joel promises us that Santa Claus is coming to town. Believe you me some NBC production assistants are doing every thing to make sure that float hits Macy’s before noon. I had no idea that the dog show was such a major ratings event for the Peacock. Didn’t it used to be the highlight of USA Network’s (now a sister channel) Thanksgiving programming.
Delta float: Andrea Boccelli (who looks really haggard) sings White Christmas. I get the sense that this was the float that might have been holding up traffic.
Towson University sends its marching band, and I wonder why this is the only college marching band.
Al speaks rapidly about the Smurf balloon while Meredith stares blankly at the camera. Matt makes mention of the upcoming Smurf movie. (Jesus wept, just because the Transformers have been revived, it doesn’t mean everything has to be.)
Adverts: The US Ocean Spray cranberry ads are much funnier than their Australian counterparts.
Cornucopia float: Some young woman I’ve never heard of duets with Kermit the Frog in some daft country song about Santa Claus. It’s hard not to have chemistry with Kermit the Frog, but this woman manages to make the song all about her thereby misses the point of the song entirely.
Quick cut to Matt who is now staring at the camera as blankly as Meredith was earlier. I think the two of them are likely bugging out. The producer must think as well, since the next time we see them, MAM are all smiles.
They also are running through the performances quickly since it is now clear to all that the show is very close to running over, and the producers are desperate to get those dogs out on time.
Santa Claus’s arrival: It’s very overwrought and over-the-top, lots of smiling “Broadway” children singing like mad.
MAM do the expected thanks to the troops, volunteers, and each other. It’s very fast because NBC must get to the dogs ASAP.
Well, that’s another parade down, and I have to say that MAM are starting to lose their edge. Mind you, nothing, but nothing could beat the passive-aggressive banter between Matt Lauer & Katie Couric, Meredith just doesn’t match up.
