Last night, the Ex came to visit. Drenched, and with a grin on his face, he gave me a broken clock. It was extremely appropriate in the metaphorical sense.
We were together for a little over 3 years and during that time as is the case in many relationships, there were good and bad times and in our case, a great deal of miscommunication.
I was the one that pulled the plug and as I said at the time, and still hold true to this very day, it would be my mistake if it was the wrong decision.
I do not regret it one bit.
Y'see, in this media-saturated world that we live in, we are told that we are nothing on a daily basis:
- You are nothing if you don't have a significant other.
- You are nothing if you don't look a certain way.
- You are nothing if you don't speak a certain way.
- You are nothing if you don't act a certain way.
- You are nothing if you don't like certain things.
These edicts constrict and contract us to people, situations, and actions that run contrary to who we are. Why? Because they are the beliefs of insecure people who feel the need to claim so-called "power" over others.
And more often than not, we give that power to them, because we're afraid that the person next to us will inflict mob revenge on us if we don't.
Actually breaking up with the Ex was not half as terrifying as the lead up to it. (And yes, I'm cognizant that this is rather trivial compared to being a refugee from Herr Mugabe or Lukashenko.) The lead up was an analytical orgy the likes I had never experienced before. Yet, somehow, I found the shred of determination within to actually go ahead and do it.
And the strangest thing happened afterwards.
I started to feel good about myself, my own Portrait of Dorian Grey disappeared, and was replaced by just myself--unadulterated.
This may not read as radical to most, but for me, this was a 180 degree turn. It's also one that I know I will do my damndest not to reverse.
3 comments:
Having been in the exact place you describe before, I understand how, while it doesn't translate well in the retelling, it is a literally life-changing experience. TTG you got out and yay that you are so determined to not go back to a life wasted.
Bravo for pulling the plug and for moving forward, not an easy thing to do. You've done well to get yourself out of it, it does destroy you emotionally when you wrap yourself in the past. I've done it and to pull yourself out of the mudslide takes strenght and discipline.
wow this is one of the best posts yet. . . lets hang soon.
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