The Worst Show on American Television

...has not aired yet. (We've still got at least another half century as a country, I reckon.)

One of the contenders for that honour, however; has just aired: Watch Over Me over on the strangely-titled MyNetwork TV.

If I may get all Cindy Adams on you, Children, "mother" must tell you something: If the best actors on a show are Casper Van Dien & Catherine Oxenberg, then you have got major problems.

What plot there is seems to revolve around the ex-Mrs. Marc Anthony (and former beauty pageant winner) and two men, who I'll call Light Hair and Dark Hair. Light Hair is the Beauty Queen's current boyfriend and a bit of a prick. We know that he is a prick, because traditionally bastard male characters have light hair while virtuous or purely evil ones have dark hair. Dark Hair used to be in the military or something and has lingering guilt over his dead girlfriend who was shot, and--you guessed it--Dark Hair couldn't save her. (Dark hair also means scarred by the past, you know.) Beauty Queen gets the hots for Dark Hair in some meet cute scene involving her car breaking down while off to go buy a tuxedo for Light Hair. When Beauty Queen's life is targeted, Dark Hair becomes employed as her bodyguard.

There's some business with other people, but really the show is about those three. It would be actually be tolerable if there was decent acting--even over-the-top acting--involved, but there isn't. Everyone is being serious to whatever level their mediocre acting ability will allow them. Beauty Queen's contribution seems to be utilising vacant stares whenever possible. Dark Hair does the same thing. You see, whenever they open their mouths the lack of comprehension of their respective characters comes pouring out by the bucketload.

Some would say, "well Tatum O'Neal wasn't exactly doing Strindberg an hour earlier." You're right, she wasn't. She was aware she was in trash and lept into it just like Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest. Dark Hair & Beauty Queen can't figure out how to do camp and still come across as earnest.

Guess who has to actually do the actual acting for Dark Hair & Beauty Queen? The editors. Dark Hair has to show agony? Slow-motion. Beauty Queen has to convey lust? Quick cuts over Dark Hair shirtless.

Oh jiminy cricket, this network is truly Rupert Murdoch's public way of laundering money.