Making Sense of Dreams

Assume that dreams are basically the unconscious mind's way of interpreting reality.

What does dreaming that one is the male spouse of an anchorman in the throes of a tempestuous marriage mean? And when all of a sudden one finds himself dreaming that he's a co-producer of a BMX bike road show? Not to even mention the quick transition into 1980's rock ballad singer.

Feel free to post your own in the comments section.

And It's Starting Again

Sometimes I wonder about Eurovision fans. I think we're a fun, caustic group, but there's some serious naivete going on. Case in point: I'm already getting referrals for Slo-Nick's naked photos.

Listen, the lad's cute and vastly improved from his Clay Aiken days, but seriously, I don't think any naked photos are going to surface. Follow Dr. Ruth's advice and use the biggest sexual organ you have--the one above the belt.

EMA 2006 Review: Camp Slovenia

I know I had previously stated I was a going to do a full review of this year’s EMA, but I am truly EMA-ed out, so how about a partial review?

This year the hosts are two men I’m calling Jan and Aljo. Jan’s drag outfit makes him look like a low-rent version of Bette Davis in All About Eve. Aljo is dressed like a refugee from a Dickens novel. One of the benefits of watching this on archive is that I get to skip over their painfully unfunny shtick. I get it, you’re doing Slovenia’s version of Keeping Up Appearances. Just get on with it.

Frankly, I want Peter Poleš back, because…well, he reminds me of Ryan Reynolds: funny and sexy simultaneously.

Anyway, onto the songs.

• Nuška Drašcek – Nora sem, da te ljubim

Short-haired woman in a dress that is partly secretarial, partly couture sings a midtempo pop song. EMA is notorious for having mediocre songs in the opening slot and this is no different. (The last rousing opener I can remember was Tinkara Kovac back in 2001.)

• Natalija Verboten – SOS

Oh boy, this is…um…dire. I’m thinking that the subtitle for this year’s EMA is Camp Slovenia, because between Margo and Tom Brown doing the presenting and the entries, the camp factor is astronomic. So, Natalija (who really should win one of these days just because of her surname) is wearing a Mad Hatter’s Hat and coat. She is joined by multi-coloured backing singers and a man on rollerblades. The overall effect is “Brazilian Children’s Show on Acid,” especially since the set this year incorporates two huge white sculptures that look like drops of semen. The chirpiness of “SOS” doesn’t change this one iota.

• Rebeka Dremelj & Domen Kumer – Noro se ujameva

More chirpiness this time from sparkly and scantily-clad Rebeka and her more conservatively dressed backing singers and the suit-coated Domen and his tank-top wearing muscle boy dancers. Domen looks like he’s cleaned up since his last EMA appearance, as does Rebeka. (Last year, she ran around dancing in a wig.) It still looks like something from a high school talent show. A very liberal high school’s talent show.

• Sergeja – Tu da du

Sergeja is dressed like Ruslana, but is singing a syrupy sweet song so there’s a clear disconnect with the costuming department if you ask me. Sergeja is the best dressed entrant so far, and yet she’s given the most insipid song so far. I’ll give her credit, though, she most certainly puts her heart, soul, and go-go boots into performing the living daylights out of it. The poor woman is this year’s sacrificial lamb. (And she was, this song got zip.)

• Saša Lendero – Mandoline

Last year Saša sang about butterflies in an outfit that said “look at my breasts.” This year she’s singing about mandolins in an outfit that says “look even closer at my breasts.” There’s even an instrumental break for her and her female & male backing singers/dancers (including the feline looking mastermind behind Croatia’s 2003 entry by Brit—I mean Claudia) to shake their chests at the camera. I don’t know what to make out of Saša. She’s a decent singer, and scored high with the viewers (I can think of 2 reasons why), but she’s just so…bland. I don’t know how dressing up like a belly dancer can come across as banal, but somehow she does it. By the way, Saša, if you read this, please do your breathing exercises before you go onstage.

• Andraž Hribar – Rapad tepe ipi mapam

My Slovene is very minimal, but there is no way that title translates to “I love you.” Anyway, here is the first of tonight’s two ballads. (Thank god. This is why I love EMA, 14 songs and only 2 ballads.) Arguably even more than Omar Naber, Andraž looks and performs like Robbie Williams. He even sounds like him as well. After several EMA performances under his belt, I’m beginning to think that he just doesn’t care anymore. Why? Well, having two women do some contortions on the floor while you’re singing is an odd way to attract people to vote for your song.

• Marijan Novina – V mojih dlaneh

Marijan is also an EMA vet, in fact, I think he’s been popping up each year since 2003, except for last. After somewhat cleaning himself up in 2004, he’s letting his very long hair down this time. Just like Andraž and his ballads, Marijan does rock and rock ballads, and isn’t about to go off of that path. Fortunately, he’s got a good one this year. Much to my surprise, the man can really sing harmony. In fact, the backing singers seem to be dragging him down rather than the other way around. One day, you’ll win, Marijan. Just not this year, or probably next.

• Atomik Harmonik – Polkaholik

Anything I had said previously about Atomik Harmonik sounding like the insane fusion of “polka and The Offspring” I take back. It’s more like the insane fusion of polka and Alcazar. Two peppy blond women in 1950’s drive-in diner outfits, and two men dressed in white—one of whom is wielding an accordion, sing. I cannot believe a song that opens with “I’m sorry baby, I’m a polkaholic” was considered one of the entries to beat. Scary.

• Maja Slatinšek – Vihar

I also take back my slam of “Vihar.” It’s not a dull ballad, it just starts out like one and then goes midtempo. Maja, however, is dressed like she’s going to the prom not competing for the chance to go to Athens. Maja certainly sings her heart out, but she’s ultimately upstaged by two dancers with big ratted Eighties hair and dresses that sway back and forth. I was half expecting them to start singing “Material Girl” at some point.

• Ylenia – Hokus Pokus

This was the surprise entry of the night for me. The song sounded so bland during the previews, that I was shocked at how much I liked it. Imagine Stevie Nicks performing early Madonna. Ickle blonde Ylenia sings the hell out of it, while giving the camera looks that kill. Not to mention the staging! It seems like every EMA has one or two entries that seem to have staging right out of avant-garde theatre. This is the one for 2006. It’s Ylenia in a gold strapless dress and four men all dressed in black (her backing singers are in near floor-length coats to boot). They hoist her up in the air, dip her, lean on her, and Ylenia never loses the camera or her—well, I’m going to call a spade, a spade here—fierce look on her face. It would likely not do well in Athens, but boy she deserved higher than she got.

• Anžej Dežan – Plan B

So the hirsute twink with the spiky hair won the lot, probably because he managed to be campy and yet slightly sophisticated at the same time. Natalija Verboten set the camp level so high that I doubt no one else could reach it, but Anžej came pretty damn close. This man is like Slovenia’s version of Deen, although I don’t even think Deen could even sprout facial hair. Anyway, it’s so-so dramatic upbeat synthy song, but Anžej sells it well, so congrats, even though he really has the jury disliking the breasts that performed “Mandoline” to thank for his victory. Oddly enough, Anžej has the worst backing singers of the night in terms of singing. They’re pretty capable with dancing, though. I don’t know if this twink has already got an inflated sense of himself, but I found it strange that he just walked off the stage immediately after singing instead of waiting for his backing singers/dancers or at least pausing for a bow.

• Katrinas – Najdi Me

This was the other avant-garde theatrical entry of the evening, and the theme here seemed to be “look at our sleeves as we try to sing on-key.” Out of Katrinas’ 3 EMA entries so far, this is easily the weakest. They barely sing together, the song only gets interesting during the pan-flute instrumental break, and the two fan dancers in the back are just distracting.

• Monika Pučelj – Ostani Z Mano

Irene Grandi lives! It still sounds like “Crazy for you” sped up with heaps of guitar, but god help me I loved it. Monika wears some sort of purple and white stripped blouse and shorts combination, which makes her look like an aging tomboy. That said, she does her best vocally and energetically. I can’t stress the latter enough. Monika was running around the stage like somebody gave her Meth-laced Red Bull.

• Alenka Godec – Hočem Stran

Alenka was Alenka, if her last two EMA performances were anything to go by. You will not she her running across the stage like those other girls. No way. Alenka is going to strut and she doesn’t care what you think. Appropriately, she’s in a black pantsuit, which combined with her very powerful singing voice gives her even more gravitas. Unfortunately, here is the reverse of what happened with “Hokus Pokus.” You’re expecting some Tina Turner or even Beyonce-style quick struts across the stage and some kicks, and you don’t quite get it. She’s definitely there vocally, but visually it just falls a bit short. She deserves to win it next year. Great song though.

So as we all know now, the bearded twink won it, courtesy of the jury liking him and snubbing the breasts and the polkaholics. (The televoters and the SMS voters gave the breasts-that-performed-Mandoline 12 points, and the polkaholics 10.) Considering that the jury gave Ylenia 10 points, Monika 8 points, Andraž 7 points (the only points he got), and Alenka 3 points, perhaps I should join the jury for next year’s contest.

EMA 2006: The End Result

Well, I had hoped to watched all of EMA live, but RealPlayer and TV Slovenia's feed seem to suggest that waiting for it to be archived would be the smarter decision. At least I got to see who won: Anžej Dežan with "Plan B."

It's not a bad song, but it's a bit blah, to be honest. Starts out slow and then goes into full out pop overdrive. It's by the same group that came up with "Energy" in 2001.

What salvages it is that Anžej performs it as absolutely, totally over-the-top camp. I'm talking hand waving, hip thrusts, spastic movements, the whole nine yards.

What about Anžej himself? Well, he's definitely male or a pretty good drag king because he's sporting a beard, faux-hawk, and looks pretty hirsute. Think Nick from Project Runway. As I think Nick is very attractive, this is not a bad thing.

I have to mention one very interesting thing though. When Omar Naber announced that Anžej (who I'm really thinking of nicknaming Slovenian Nick or "Slo-Nick" for short) won, the two of them had quite the long embrace. Now, I realise that they were 1st and 2nd on Slovenia's Pop Idol, but that was some embrace. That was the sort of embrace that you give somebody you've slept with (and liked it), or at least want to. I'm not saying they did--because I frankly don't know--but that's what I looked like to me.

After Nuša Derenda in 2001 (Slovenia's answer to Kylie Minogue) , Sestre in 2002 (drag queens-as-flight attendants), and Karmen Stavec in 2003 (bitchy and synthy in pink), and Omar Naber (Robbie Williams goes Balkan), Slo-Nick seems a rather natural progression for Camp Slovenia.

Full review (complete with grumbles over how Alenka Godec and Monika Pučelj got screwed over) as soon as EMA 2006 gets archived.

Gōngxǐ Fācái

In honour of Chinese New Year, here's an interesting story from CBS's Sunday Morning about a 10-year-old black boy from Oakland becoming the latest star of Chinese Opera.

At Least It Wasn't The Ashlee Simpson Twins

After a final that made me think that the Simpson clan is actually of Polish descent (seriously you have no idea how many of the female singers looked like Ashlee Simpson), Ich Troje wound up winning. This time some rapper calling himself The Real McCoy is tagging along. His contribution to "Follow My Heart" seems to be quoting Daddy Yankee's "Gasolina" and various house songs from the Nineties.

It's not necessarily a bad song, but it's blah and nothing new. (I was for Kto To.)

I have to give the Poles some serious credit though, they put on a good show. A good show with a bizarre group of participants: A r&b duo called Dezire who both look like Ashlee Simpson; Belgian singer Danzel whose "Pump It Up" is played often at Splash for reasons I can't ascertain; a trio of screeching talentless slappers called Queens without any sort of irony whatsoever; a rock polka band called Brathanki whose lead singer should learn to dance during the instrumental breaks; and a Polish-American version of the Black Eyed Peas called The Jet Set.

Thank god EMA is tomorrow and I actually like all of the entires except for Maja Slatinšek's "Vihar."

In case you don't remember Ich Troje, they were the band fronted by a very gravelly voiced man with Kool-Aid red hair that sang Żadnych Granic back in 2003, a song that was most definitely mawkish to the extreme but staged oh so well and had probably the best preview video that year. Fortunately, this time around Kool-Aid Hair doesn't do much "singing," and the majority of vocal duties are left up to three women--none of whom I think were in the 2003 lineup.

Okay, This Is Interesting

Remember my plans for what sort of shows I would greenlight if I was a NBC network executive?

Apparently, I had a partial mind-meld with Aaron Sorkin and Thomas Schlamme, because they won the bidding war for a pilot entitled Studio 7, a drama set at a fictional sketch comedy show. It's going to star Matthew Perry, Steven Weber, and D.L. Hughley.

I want my royalties if it's a hit.

It's EMA Weekend

The main event of this weekend is EMA. Sadly, Alya is not participating this year, but I'm such an EMA-addict, I'll watch it anyway...and I'll try to make it painless for all the readers out there.

If there's one main thing that attracts me to Alya, it's that she performs almost exactly how I would. If I was considerably shorter. And female. And Slovenian.

Here's her performance of "Exxtra" from last year's EMA.

Norske Melodi Grand Prix 2006 Semi-Final 3: Charlie & Steve in Bergen Live

A bit of an explanation for this "evening's" subtitle. Tor Endresen is in this week's semi. He previously won the lot (meaning the MGP, not Eurovision where he got zip) in 1997 with the song "San Francisco," which featured the lyric "kjærlighetstid i San Francisco" which means "time for love in San Francisco." However, to my non-Norwegian ears that sounds like "Charlie & Steve in San Francisco." Well, it's a song about San Francisco, so it would make total sense to have a refrain featuring a gay couple, wouldn't it?

But I digress...

I click on NRK's "Nett-TV" at 1955 (Norwegian time) and I'm greeted with the image of what looks to me like a doll's house. A year into doing this reviews of Scandinavian national finals, and the humour still escapes me, I tell you.

I guess I messed up on the feed, because all of a sudden Brigitte is already performing.

Brigitte Einarsen - Saturday
Brigitte is in a kimono and performing the living daylights out of the disco-influenced "Saturday." This is my fave to win it. The backing singers look like they needed the workout.

Oh my god, what is Syn wearing? She looks like some cross between a fur trapper and a WAC employee from the 1940's.

Veronica Akselsen - Like A Wind
Another high school talent show performance. Veronica is in a red debutante dress that does her very few favours. Just the female backing singers (still in their green dresses and white go-go boots) this time. (Those boys needed their rest after performing with Brigitte.) I guess I should mention what the song is like. Well, it's a dull ballad. In fact, Veronica's accent is about the only interesting thing about it.

Phung - Shut Up and Kiss Me
Sti mentions "Popstars," which I'm guessing is how the public knows Phung. Her postcard starts out with some sort medieval re-enactment. I hope this means that she's going to attack the stage even harder than Brigitte. Oh yes, she does. Hip thrusts, sways, and an outfit that probably would fit in quite well in Showgirls. I likes me rock, and she does a very good job with it. As much as I like La Podolskaya, Phung could easily teach her a thing or five hundred. Shouting works well with rock, and she certainly uses it to her full advantage, since her voice gives out trying to do melisma.

Christine Gulbrandsen - Alvedansen
Syn says Christine's name and the crowd applauds. Either she's a local girl, or they're just anxious to finally hear something in Norwegian. Christine has got a pretty impressive voice that works well with this folk song. She's dressed in some silvery dress with a shing corset. If Phung was trying to work the bad girl aspect, then Christine is really working the angel angle. Of course, since this is Norway, there is an obligatory fiddle break. Crowd seems to go wild. Good for her. Apropos of nothing, she is gorgeous. Potential Miss Norway.

Sti & Syn have a comedy moment. It bombs.

Kathrine Strugstad - Paparazzi World
A word about the postcards. They're pretty pictures of Norway and have the most drunk-sounding man talking over them. So Kathrine can sing, but this song is so ridiculously dated. "In my pa-pa-parazzi world, I'm your pa-pa-paparazzi girl." Blech. The boys are back, and this time the choreography is kinder to them. All they have to do is wheel Kathrine around, sway from side to side, and kiss her cheek. Have they castrated them? The boys are awfully high-pitched. Thanks for the nostalgia, Kathrine. I doubt you'll make it past the second chance round.

Tor Endresen - Dreaming of a New Tomorrow
Syn flirts with somebody in the crowd. Man in New York wonders about her choices in men. Oh boy, I have a bad feeling about this song. It seems like it is engineered for maximum sweetness. The happy-go-lucky man from "San Francisco" seems to have possessed by the spirit of Sam Harris. This is so damn mawkish. I'm so glad that this is the last song, so I don't have to worry about being inflicted by another syrupy sweet ballad. Ok, I'll say something nice here: Tor does have a very good deep voice. I mean "deep." He's about as close as Norway will get to having a Barry White. Final lyric: "don't close the door." Oh, but I will, Tor, I will. Crowd loses their minds, but he's from Bergen, so that's to be expected.

Sti & Syn go over the rules again. Do they think anybody has forgotten within the span of one week? Review of the songs: Brigitte rocks; Veronica needs to go back to her prom; Phung rocks harder; Christine is very talented (but is that enough?) ; Kathrine is inane and screechy; Tor makes me want to throttle the smirk off of his face.

Note to Sti: A sparkly undone tie doesn't suit you. I'm just trying to keep you as handsome as possible. The weird lady next to you is beyond any help whatsoever.

Interval seems to involve some deadly serious woman yodeling along with a man uvulating. Then all of a sudden a girl starts singing in that annoying nasal way that young kids tend to. This for some reason leads into a Norwegian chorus. Then everybody starts getting solos, and they should definitely not be getting any solos whatsoever. It's too damn painful on the ears. By the way, there is a ballerina onstage. Humour? I don't think so. A whole bunch of children come onstage and the song starts to sound like some weird offspring between Norwegian, Turkish, and Russian folk music. And if that wasn't bizarre enough, there's a break dancer.

I really wish I was drunk, because I would enjoy this immensely.

Thank god Sti & Syn come on quickly after that, um, performance. They bring the kids of many national backgrounds to deliver the results. Brigitte makes it to second chance, I think. Good god, Veronica is there too. (You know this was Christine's slot, heifer!) The Norwegians are insane. Tor looks cocky during the greenroom shots. Unfortunately, it's with good reason since he's now got a ticket to final. Even worse, I have to suffer through this insipid song once again.

Tor performs. As if the lyrics weren't bad enough, he actually puts his hand in the air and sways it from side-to-side. The more I hear this song, I really think I wouldn't have as much issue with it if it was in Norwegian. See Tor, there is a disadvantage when people do know what you're singing. The door is shut, mister. Get used to it.

So who else will be joining Tor? Christine! I would've preferred that Phung gotten to the final and Christine to second chance, but this is not that bad an alternative. Christine performs and she's pretty good and flawless to be honest. I doubt she'll win (either in Oslo or in Athens), but good on her for getting to the final. This makes up for Tor's essentially free pass to the final.

Next week, the Second Chance round, which had better ensure that Brigitte and Arlene make it to The Spektrum or there will be hell to pay.

The 180 degree effect

Can a hardened cynic go light on his feet, walk arm-in-arm, and genuinely be upbeat?

Che pensi? Si.

An added bonus: I got to cheerfully tell off some organsiation that is interested in promoting family values in movies this morning. I swear, why would they even think of calling this household?

Wednesday Jukebox Loves Jahn Teigen

Since I'm writing about the Norwegian Melodi Grand Prix this year, it seems to only make sense to feature Jahn Teigen in the jukebox. Let me warn you, he's an acquired taste.

Here he is in 1978, performing "Mil Etter Mil." I do not believe he's drunk, the man just sings that way.



Fast forward to last year, when Jahn did the Norwegian Melodi Grand Prix again, looking a lot like a corpse recently let out of the casket. He's still got his own style...even with a ballad.



Now, something from The Netherlands: Ruth Jacott's "Vrede" from 1993. Be kind, remember what you were wearing back in 1993.



And finally, Alcazar's live perfomance of "Grillvagn" in 2004, one of the songs that wound up not making the final cut for Melodifestivalen. I think the direction was to act like a bunch of drag queens.

The Stonewall-Splash-Xes Post-Mortem: Sometimes you just want to blend in

The night started off at The Stonewall which was playing an eceletic group of videos that took me by surprise. (Dave Matthews Band? Audioslave? Everclear?)

Whereas once The Stonewall seemed to be drinkers and few pool players, pool has now become the focus point. People were cheering nigh on every 5 minutes for some shot. While that may be quite appealing to those participating, it wound up being aggro for me. Further compounded by asinine fag-hag conversations. ("She looks horrible." "Oh my god, she does. Promise me you'll correct me if I go out looking like that.")

After 4 Bud Lights (see how cheap I can be during Happy Hour), I figured it was time to go to Splash courtesy of a coin toss. Well, go figure I wind up in Rocco & Tony's section. Rocco & Tony were in full display. In fact, at one point their owner lowered his Mesh pants to show what his penis was looked like.

Rarely have I been curious about size, but it is a major ego boost to know that you are hung more than the cockiest bartender at Splash. I do mean "cocky," this guy was parading around in mesh sweatpants and an Alfred E. Newman expression on his face. Didn't have the physique to back it up either. I think Steve Carrell has got him beat big time. Fortunately, I'm indifferent.

Mwahahahaha.

After discovering that upstairs at Splash there is karaoke going on (Hell, no). I realise that is time for me to leave. Not quite in the mood to go home, I head off to XES. Again they're playing videos with different music. This is annoying. If you've got music videos playing, then play the audio track as well. I am starting to get a little freaked out that one of the bartenders knows my drink almost instantaneously. To keep him on his toes, I left after that.

Gotta keep 'em guessing.

EMA 2006: The Previews

If there's one national final that I look forward to, it's Slovenia's EMA. Trust me, it's the rare national final that I will give up a Tuesday afternoon for. Judging by the songs so far, it's going to be very upbeat pop and rock affair. This is a very good thing.

• NORA SEM, DA TE LJUBIM - NUŠKA DRAŠČEK: I don't know this woman, but she's got a good upbeat dance song.
• SOS - NATALIJA VERBOTEN: Natalija was the hot favourite several years ago with an English song with dubious grammar. She's much better in Slovene, and it's another dance pop song. (It's like France Gall all over again, I tell you.)
• NORO SE UJAMEVA - REBEKA DREMELJ & DOMEN KUMER: In Slovene, "and" translates as "in." So I had a good juvenile laugh at that. More dance pop. Domen Kumer is a former male model and the boy is lanky. This ought to be an interesting pairing.
• TU DA DU -SERGEJA: The theme for this year's EMA seems to be 1980's revival. Tiffany would've totally done the English cover of this.
• MANDOLINE - SAŠA LENDERO: Saša and her breasts return along with the goateed Croatian, Andrej Babič of "I won't be your lover" fame. Less dramatic than "Metulj" last year, and I'd be surprised if she wins.
• RAPAD TEPE IPI MAPAM - ANDRAŽ HRIBAR: Robbie Williams rock ballad redux, but I like it.
• V MOJIH DLANEH - MARIJAN NOVINA: Another rock ballad, but Marijan's song better.
• POLKAHOLIK - ATOMIK HARMONIK: Insane fusion of polka and The Offspring. Seriously, that's what I thought. They're the favourites, so be afraid...be very afraid.
• VIHAR - MAJA SLATINŠEK: The sole boring ballad so far. Oh well, no EMA is perfect.
• HOKUS POKUS - YLENIA: Midtempo folk-rock. I'll say this, Ylenia has got some serious pipes on her.
• PLAN B - ANŽEJ DEŽAN: It starts out as a ballad (see Saša) and then turns into a dance song. I don't know about this. I will say that this guy could easily join Il Divo with his voice. He seriously booms (and my hunch is that he probably pings too, shoutout to the Mizez).
• NAJDI ME - KATRINAS: Katrinas sound like a new age Slovenian version of the Andrews Sisters. They have generally gotten a raw deal at previous EMAs. "Najdi Me" is a folk ballad that doesn't take advantage of the fact that these women can harmonise with the best of them. Now when I say "folk," I'm not necessarily saying Slovenian folk, because this would not be out of place at a Chinese folk music festival.
• OSTANI Z MANO - MONIKA PUČELJ: Monika rocked out several EMAs ago and she does the same here. Think Madonna's "Crazy for you" sped up with liberal helpings of guitars. Irene Grandi does this with panache, and I think Monika does the same here. I'd love to see her win it, but I doubt she will.
• HOČEM STRAN -ALENKA GODEC: Alenka is Slovenia's "soul sister." She's best known for singing R&B/Soul music, and here she is given an interesting pop/soul/dance song. Imagine Christina Aguileira singing dance and you've kind of got the idea at work here. The "la la la" and the chorus sticks in your head. Alenka has nearly won the lot on her previous outings and frankly, I think it's her turn to win it. Trust me, the woman can bring it big time.

Sadly they don't play Alya at the end of the previews, but rather Billy's Private Parking's entry from last year "Ljubljana." Odd choice considering that Alya finished higher. Oh well, now I'm all keyed up and anxious for EMA this Sunday. I tell you, the Slovenians don't play.

Let's Get This House Cleaned!

Paul Martin steps down as Liberal leader. Glad you got same-sex marriage enshrined and you'll always be remembered for that, but unfortunately you made a few too many missteps since then.

Take the Jimmy Carter route post-PM, Paul.

Canadian Election Post-Mortem

Am I pissed?

Well, not exactly. On one hand, the all-or-nothing hardcore NDP supporter side of me is pissed whenever the NDP doesn't form the government or at least the opposition. However, since that would lead to me being perpetually angry, I'm not all that irked.

The fact of the matter is that this parliament is going to be funnier than Chrétien...well, every time he opened his mouth frankly. The Tories have 123, The Grits have 102, The Bloc has 50, and the NDP has 31 (and lord knows that will change come morning). Things will grind to a halt, because The Bloc, The Grits, and the NDP will be riding Harper like the glory hole pig bottom that he is.

As for the Paul Martin question, I honestly don't know. I certainly would like to see a total house cleaning, but Martin could function quite well as a leader of the opposition. I think he was too obsessed with just getting power and revenge that he didn't know what to do with it; however this might be the kick in the pants he needs to actually prove himself to be more than a flash-in-the-pan. (I'm avoiding Bush comparisions, but his grasp for power is slightly similar I have to say. There was a brief moment of elation on my part when I saw that he was trailing in his own riding initially.)

Now, a quick note on the CBC's election coverage. Why can't we have it like this South of the border? I mean it. It was light, informal, jovial and not so irritatingly self-important. Peter Mansbridge cracked jokes often without taking away the fact that this was democracy at work. He was accompanied by a roundtable of senators and politicos, as well in-studio reporters giving the results a regional perspective. It wasn't at all like the 2004 election or even the 2002 midterms in the US where you had anchors looking like they were about to have their veins pop at any given second from stress and cocaine. These people did not flip out if a riding went a different way than they thought.

It's worth pondering, considering that we've got midterms this year.

In closing, I just want to say one thing: Bernard Lord scares me. He's like the Canadian John Roberts, with a plastic smile and mannerisms akin to audio-animatron from a Disney theme park. Please tell me this man has peaked as Premier of New Brunswick.

The Annual Bacchanal Begins

(Disclaimer: This is a sex post. No names will be given, details will be kept to a R rating, but make no mistakes about it. It's about having it off.)

I do not have sex often. I feel no shame in admitting it. So when it happens twice in one day, it's quite a surprise.

The interesting events of the day began with another nude shoot, although this time I was paired with someone else and hallelujah, that makes everything so much easier. I am an aural person. I need to hear, see, and feel someone else next to me if I'm to maintain any sort of erection, not to mention thrusting.

Now I get hard just brushing up against another man, but to spend 45 minutes in assorted Kama Sutra positions with someone that you have near instant chemistry with? That's mind-blowing. Particuarly since I had envisoned this being akin to acting, albeit acting reduced to its basics. There was one point where I had my partner thrust up against a mantlepiece and went at it like a dog in heat. Almost instinctively (lest we have an orgasm too early), we broke the connection and just made out. This wasn't just like any normal making out, this was akin to devouring one another.

And when the time came...suffice to say, it was an eruption.

Now, the second one took me much by surprise. Shortly before I left for the holidays, I had an interesting meeting with another ex-Wisconsinite. We promised to sit down and have a proper date once I got back. To make a long story short, that did not happen due to illness on his part. Go figure that I run into him while drinking a Long Island Ice Tea (sometimes you just want a drink after sex). He's tipsy and flirty (inasmuch as I'd let someone be flirty with me in public when I'm not inebriated), so we go back to his. Not so much primal passion here, and I had to fake my orgasm. Still, I'm pretty certain this quite isn't the last chapter of this story.

By the way, if you're Canadian, VOTE (preferably NDP) today.

If I Was A NBC Network Executive

It's no secret that NBC isn't doing too well in the ratings department. Not even having some minor controversy around The Book of Daniel seems to be helping them out with their averages. So here's what type of shows I'd greenlight in order to get the peacock back to it's old strutting self.

Monday

• Novela slot #1: Your sister network is Telemundo, and yet you haven't tried airing a novela in primetime--even in the summer? Seriously, just get some voice actors to dub lines for the SAP channel, put some English captions on, and voila!
• City Story: You're already cutting back on Dateline, so why not go out to the affiliates and ask them to produce an hour long news programme about a local case or concern? The local anchorpeople get their egos stroked nationally, and the cost to the network is minimal. City Confidential and many of the programmes on Court TV prove that there is definitely an appetite for this type of show.

Tuesday

• Orange Road: A live action version of the 1980's Japanese manga and anime series about a teenage boy with telepathy and other powers and the love triangle he winds up getting himself into. Instead of it being Out of This World mark II, treat it like Smallville, except make it a half-hour.
• Top of the Pops: You cannot possibly mess up in the adapting of this BBC import. Quite simply, it's just musical performances of the songs that are on the charts. That's all. No need to sex it up beyond that.
• Don't mess with Law & Order: SVU.

Wednesday

• The Defiant: Grosse Pointe, for the brief period it lasted, was a cult hit and it's coming to DVD. Similar in spirit, just reset the action to New York and make the show-within-a-show a faltering daytime soap. Desperate Housewives set in daytime television.
• Untitled Bradley Cooper dramedy: Bradley Cooper does comedic asides, looks pretty, and strips off frequently. Figure out the plot later, you're just trying to hold onto viewers until Law & Order.
• Don't mess with Law & Order.

Thursday

Let's face it. You cannot rest on the coattails of your success in the 1980's and 1990's comedies anymore. The Apprentice isn't bringing the amount of viewers that it used to, and neither is ER.

• Volunteers: No, not an adaptation of the 1985 movie of the same name, but a sitcom set in a community centre. Think Night Court.
• My Life in A Cul-de-Sac: Suburban sitcom explicitly set in Northern Virginia. A recent widow takes in her gay brother after his messy divorce. Murphy Brown meets Will & Grace. Get Tim & Tyne Daly or Rosanna & David Arquette to star, keep the humour political and current, and do not make either character asexual, dammit.
• Building Tomorrow: An aspiring pharmaceutical engineer comes up against corruption and greed at her new firm, and tries to reform the system from the inside. 8 week miniseries. If it catches on, do a movie wrap up and move on. Don't flag a dead horse.

Friday

• Novela slot #2: See Monday.
• Autobiography: Let's be honest here, we're living in a world where everybody wants their 15 minutes. Let's give them a full hour. Everybody has a life story, and here we'll give them an hour to tell it and show it via re-enactments.

Saturday

• Playhouse 90: A revival of the critically lauded show from the 1950's and early 1960's. You know good and hell well that CBS isn't going to even attempt to revive it. And by the way, make it live.

Sunday

• The Other Side of Me: Dramedy about Marie, an accountant in Kansas City and Michael, a minor-league catcher in San Antonio. In their daily lives, they dream about the other and the question is whether Marie is Michael or is it the other way around. Get this before HBO or Showtime snaps it up.
• Don't mess with Law & Order: CI, or else Dick Wolf will have Vincent D'Onofrio hunt you down and overact you to death.

Norske Melodi Grand Prix 2006 Semi-Final 2: When Angry NRK Technicians Strike

I'm sure it was a grand ol' knee-slapping time in the I-would-never-attempt-to-pronounce-it town of Bodø, but if you lived outside of Norway, you couldn't see a sodding thing.

So let's keep this short and to the point.

The drag act, Queentastic, went to the final. Along with Norway's older and better dressed answer to last year's Latvian rentboy pairing: Hans-Petter Moen & Kim Arne Hagen.

Romanian-Norwegian Ovi Martin and his dirge went to the second chance round, as did newcomer (though she don't look it) Jannicke Abrahamsen, who had a vastly better song than Ovi's...at least to my ears.

This round was also notable for a sort of reunion of Charmed. Syn co-hosted, and Hanne Haugsand and Marit Strømøy (I wish I knew how to pronounce that surname) both had entries. As much as I would like to hear of some sort of MGP version of Dreamgirls drama going on backstage, it seems like there was none.

Although since Syn is the only person going onto the next final, there could be some still in the works.

But Will He Take Care of That Unibrow?

Armenia has picked their singer and song for Athens already. (Considering that internal selections yielded the 2003 and 2004 winners, this is not a bad idea.)

The honour of being the first Armenian entry at Eurovision goes to Andre, who is apparently quite popular in Armenia. He'll be singing a song called "Stay With Me," which I imagine is probably not at all like the Ken Hirai song of the same title.

I'm quite curious as to why they didn't go overseas for their debut. For starters, Cher is Armenian, as is Colton Ford. Notoriety is rarely a bad thing.

You Gonna Make Me Love Somebody Else

Steve Harvey was playing this song this morning as I woke up. I had never heard it before, but this song is catchy as hell. I was moving (inasmuch as I can) under my electric blanket. I go search Napster for it, and it turns out that it was a hit in 1979 -- my birth year. (On my actual birthdate, "Heart of Glass" topped the charts. I'm still trying to figure out what that means.)

It also seems like an appropriate welcome to the new year of Aquarius. For the next month (today through the 18th/19th of February), independence, inventiveness, perversity, and unpredictablity will reign.

I'm also starting my annual period of debauchery.

Hold on to your hats.