So it's basically been like The Lost Weekend for me since the end of Pride, except that I've not had that much alcohol. All I know is that I was awake for nearly 72 hours, before the body finally beat out the mind and allowed me to sleep and eat.
I don't know how this happened, but I won't ask for a reason why. Since when I was starting to wonder why I was still awake, Jesus Christ Superstar played on television and scared me silent. (Seriously, "Could We Start Again" is very chilling when you've gone without sleep. Let's not even talk about "Superstar.")
And I've been playing catch-up since then.
What a world to wake up to:
Friday, June 30, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
The View Post-Mortem: Time Does Go By So Slowly
Admittingly, I do not know how to make an entrance, nor do I possess the ability to know when the right time is to even go to a place.
If I did, then I would've had more than just a Corona tonight.
I also would've been able to have avoided or even let slide a large group of twinks singing along to Madonna videos RIGHT IN MY EAR.
Don't get me wrong, I love Madonna, especially from Erotica onwards, and if I had the income, I would've attended her concert at Madison Square Garden tomorrow night, but, jiminy cricket, a person can only take so much.
Now, if they were singing along to Swing Out Sister, then this would totally be my sort of crowd.
After wading through a sea of tight low-cut shirts and sucked-in stomachs, waiting 5 minutes for a beer, and realising that the seat next to the twink posse was the only locale possible. I at least knew that this was my time to leave. (Hey, I had a good Friday night out and another waiting on Sunday, you can't win 'em all.)
In other news, the Hikaruland Pride 2006 Theme Song Committee has chosen Ivana Banfic's "Daj Povedi Me" has for this year's theme song--even though it's from 1991. Just watch the performance and you'll see why.
If I did, then I would've had more than just a Corona tonight.
I also would've been able to have avoided or even let slide a large group of twinks singing along to Madonna videos RIGHT IN MY EAR.
Don't get me wrong, I love Madonna, especially from Erotica onwards, and if I had the income, I would've attended her concert at Madison Square Garden tomorrow night, but, jiminy cricket, a person can only take so much.
Now, if they were singing along to Swing Out Sister, then this would totally be my sort of crowd.
After wading through a sea of tight low-cut shirts and sucked-in stomachs, waiting 5 minutes for a beer, and realising that the seat next to the twink posse was the only locale possible. I at least knew that this was my time to leave. (Hey, I had a good Friday night out and another waiting on Sunday, you can't win 'em all.)
In other news, the Hikaruland Pride 2006 Theme Song Committee has chosen Ivana Banfic's "Daj Povedi Me" has for this year's theme song--even though it's from 1991. Just watch the performance and you'll see why.
WORK IT!!!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Pride Week 2006: A Deeper Love
Once again, it is the time of the year when a significant portion of the LGBT community and our allies come out in force to show that we are defiantly happy of who we are, what we have achieved, and what still lies ahead.
Yet, this is also time when many people come out to say "I'm not like those people."
Despite being subjected to the same legal restrictions, societal prejudice, and the same hatred, still there remain groups who are very quick to point out that they are not like "them."
Who is the mythological "they" which threatens others' sense of security so much that they are quick to disavow any connection?
To some, "they" are effeminate men.
Many times we overhear some gay men saying (with all the venom of a rattlesnake) "if I wanted a woman, then I'd be straight" when an effeminate guy walks past.
But you're not looking at a woman, you're looking a man. A man whose mere existence threatens your insecurity in your own masculinity that you immediately seek to denigrate him for expressing himself in the way that he feels accustomed to. I would hazard a guess that the insecurity these men express has more to do with their own suppressed desires to be themselves.
This self-loathing is quite apparent in the "current" wave of porn that is sold based on the fact that the participants are ostensibly straight men having sex with each other.* While statistically, there must be some heterosexuals who participate in having gay sex on film for money, I would hasten to point out that the money is not that much of an incentive for one to go against one's true orientation. It provides a convenient excuse for those not willing to deal with their true selves, but the pay is negligible at best, and in order to reach the higher echelon (in respect to porn wages), one must truly enjoy homosexual sex.
* Fortunately, there are a great many men who realise that this is a marketing technique with no basis in reality.
There also those who believe that "they" are leather men or others whose sexual practices run contrary to their own.
To be blunt, you just need to give that up. There are politicians and others out there who are so terrified--yes, terrified, because their actions suggest that they feel threatened--of our existence that even hand-holding in public is tantamount to calling for our extermination.
To others, "they" are those who aren't a certain definition of what is physically attractive.
What all this talk of "they" boils down to is insecurity. Let's be honest here, we are beat down every day. All of us: gay and straight, male and female, all races, all people, all nationalities. No one likes it, but it's true. It takes a great deal of energy to wake up in the morning and say that we are ready to greet the world at large. I do mean "greet" instead of "face." "Face" suggests that we are preparing to go into combat with others and that we're already in an adversarial mindset. How rare is it for us to actually "greet the world?" Instead of propping ourselves up with how we are different from others and how others have ruined the world, why not just think "I am" and "you are." Just those two phrases without any qualifiers or descriptions after them.
It is extremely surprising that this is a radical concept and something that we are still dealing with, lo these many years after Stonewall, but honestly, why can't we just take this venom that we set upon each other and use it for change that benefits all of us, instead of ourselves and our clones?
Then maybe, we'd actually find out what it means to be happy and loved.
Yet, this is also time when many people come out to say "I'm not like those people."
Despite being subjected to the same legal restrictions, societal prejudice, and the same hatred, still there remain groups who are very quick to point out that they are not like "them."
Who is the mythological "they" which threatens others' sense of security so much that they are quick to disavow any connection?
To some, "they" are effeminate men.
Many times we overhear some gay men saying (with all the venom of a rattlesnake) "if I wanted a woman, then I'd be straight" when an effeminate guy walks past.
But you're not looking at a woman, you're looking a man. A man whose mere existence threatens your insecurity in your own masculinity that you immediately seek to denigrate him for expressing himself in the way that he feels accustomed to. I would hazard a guess that the insecurity these men express has more to do with their own suppressed desires to be themselves.
This self-loathing is quite apparent in the "current" wave of porn that is sold based on the fact that the participants are ostensibly straight men having sex with each other.* While statistically, there must be some heterosexuals who participate in having gay sex on film for money, I would hasten to point out that the money is not that much of an incentive for one to go against one's true orientation. It provides a convenient excuse for those not willing to deal with their true selves, but the pay is negligible at best, and in order to reach the higher echelon (in respect to porn wages), one must truly enjoy homosexual sex.
* Fortunately, there are a great many men who realise that this is a marketing technique with no basis in reality.
There also those who believe that "they" are leather men or others whose sexual practices run contrary to their own.
To be blunt, you just need to give that up. There are politicians and others out there who are so terrified--yes, terrified, because their actions suggest that they feel threatened--of our existence that even hand-holding in public is tantamount to calling for our extermination.
To others, "they" are those who aren't a certain definition of what is physically attractive.
What all this talk of "they" boils down to is insecurity. Let's be honest here, we are beat down every day. All of us: gay and straight, male and female, all races, all people, all nationalities. No one likes it, but it's true. It takes a great deal of energy to wake up in the morning and say that we are ready to greet the world at large. I do mean "greet" instead of "face." "Face" suggests that we are preparing to go into combat with others and that we're already in an adversarial mindset. How rare is it for us to actually "greet the world?" Instead of propping ourselves up with how we are different from others and how others have ruined the world, why not just think "I am" and "you are." Just those two phrases without any qualifiers or descriptions after them.
It is extremely surprising that this is a radical concept and something that we are still dealing with, lo these many years after Stonewall, but honestly, why can't we just take this venom that we set upon each other and use it for change that benefits all of us, instead of ourselves and our clones?
Then maybe, we'd actually find out what it means to be happy and loved.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Thursday Jukebox Likes The Occasional Ballad
...especially when they talk about loss.
Whether delivered by a Swedish operatic tenor
Or by a waitress and a bunch of women in lingerie.
Whether delivered by a Swedish operatic tenor
Or by a waitress and a bunch of women in lingerie.
Is This A Good Thing?
The new CBC lineup for Fall 2006. It's heavy on the reality (or "factual entertainment" as the department is styled).
My need to immigrate grows.
My need to immigrate grows.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Stonewall-View Post-Mortem: Seeing the world through new eyes
3 Tonic Waters, 1 beer, and 5 Twisted Teas.
My body must be changing, because I would think that amount wouldn't do me in, but for some reason it has.
The Stonewall seems to not be in that much of a music video mode--at least when I'm there--because the past 2 times I've been there, I've seen movies playing with music in the background. Granted this week, the bartender (who is younger than me) was playing a lot of rap as well as Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" in a loop, so my ears were soothed. (I'm referring to "Crazy," not the rap.)
Ultimately, I wound up talking with a guy who seemed to be addicted to editing others' work. I don't quite get the appeal, but he was all for it. More power to him.
The View however was in full-tilt music video mode, hence the overload on Twisted Teas.
One video played there was a remix the current LL Cool J song "Control Myself." Now, I have to wonder about Mr. Smith. He's pushing 40, isn't he? I don't know what his secret is, but I just have to wonder if he isn't dipping in the well of HGH. And considering that I've only heard the remix version of it, I also have to wonder if Jennifer Lopez's parts are all altered by the vocoder as well.
Also at The View, I wound up talking with the new bartender, who looked at the same time very familiar and yet new. It's rare for me to experience deja-vu, but I certainly did.
I guess I should get to the point of this entry's subtitle.
Well, let's just say that the right type of guy can change one's perspective, particularly if one is practically a Mt. Everest in the romance arena, like me.
I'm loaded, so vague riddles when it comes to the personal are easier to write.
My body must be changing, because I would think that amount wouldn't do me in, but for some reason it has.
The Stonewall seems to not be in that much of a music video mode--at least when I'm there--because the past 2 times I've been there, I've seen movies playing with music in the background. Granted this week, the bartender (who is younger than me) was playing a lot of rap as well as Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" in a loop, so my ears were soothed. (I'm referring to "Crazy," not the rap.)
Ultimately, I wound up talking with a guy who seemed to be addicted to editing others' work. I don't quite get the appeal, but he was all for it. More power to him.
The View however was in full-tilt music video mode, hence the overload on Twisted Teas.
One video played there was a remix the current LL Cool J song "Control Myself." Now, I have to wonder about Mr. Smith. He's pushing 40, isn't he? I don't know what his secret is, but I just have to wonder if he isn't dipping in the well of HGH. And considering that I've only heard the remix version of it, I also have to wonder if Jennifer Lopez's parts are all altered by the vocoder as well.
Also at The View, I wound up talking with the new bartender, who looked at the same time very familiar and yet new. It's rare for me to experience deja-vu, but I certainly did.
I guess I should get to the point of this entry's subtitle.
Well, let's just say that the right type of guy can change one's perspective, particularly if one is practically a Mt. Everest in the romance arena, like me.
I'm loaded, so vague riddles when it comes to the personal are easier to write.
Monday, June 12, 2006
The 2006 Goddamn Tonys Post-Mortem
In short, that was 3 hours of my life that CBS and the League need to return to me.
I should've known this wasn't going to be good when Harry Connick Jr. began the opening number by sounding drunk as a skunk and with a frog in his throat. I was probably blinded because I kept thinking "Hallelujah! No Jackman!"
Then The History Boys started winning.
And winning.
And winning.
You know, even though I was all for Democracy last year, this show well and truly bores me to tears. It's boring, boring, boring. Plus, I'm sorry, all the actors in New York and they couldn't get an American cast to premiere it? It's not like this was full of undiscovered breakout talent.
All my gnashing of teeth about History Boys aside, I have to say that it was the best out of a piss-poor selection this year. Perhaps we can call it the death of the original American play on Broadway, because honestly, the best we could find were 3 foreign plays and 1 so-so American. (And could we kill this Irish play obsession, please?)
Tragic and further proof that Broadway is slipping further into irrelevance.
Now let's get to the other "Boys:" Jersey Boys.
My god, that was one overhyped piece of tourist refuse.
For the past week or so, we have seen John Lloyd Young contort his face in extreme pain (read: constipation) as he "channels" Frankie Valli. That show has been featured on almost every single live daytime television show to the point that I could predict when the switches between the numbers came (since they always did the same damn 3 songs). And were they boring. Well-performed, but boring. (Oddly enough, something that applies to the selection chosen for performance from The Threepenny Opera.)
And those acceptance speeches!
I slightly bought Hoff (even though I wanted to slap him and say "buck up! we're not your therapist"), but Young's was given in such a way that it seemed like he wanted to upstage his castmate.
The award is for Best Actor not Best Mimicry, and I think Hoff and Young realised they weren't in the right categories, so they retrofitted themseleves into it during their acceptance speeches.
That's only reason I could figure out for the crying mess they became. Even the sodding producers seemed to be on the verge of tears!
You'd think they had come up with the 21st Century version of The Cradle Will Rock!
I hold out minor hope that I'll care next year, but the trend is definitely leaning against it.
I should've known this wasn't going to be good when Harry Connick Jr. began the opening number by sounding drunk as a skunk and with a frog in his throat. I was probably blinded because I kept thinking "Hallelujah! No Jackman!"
Then The History Boys started winning.
And winning.
And winning.
You know, even though I was all for Democracy last year, this show well and truly bores me to tears. It's boring, boring, boring. Plus, I'm sorry, all the actors in New York and they couldn't get an American cast to premiere it? It's not like this was full of undiscovered breakout talent.
All my gnashing of teeth about History Boys aside, I have to say that it was the best out of a piss-poor selection this year. Perhaps we can call it the death of the original American play on Broadway, because honestly, the best we could find were 3 foreign plays and 1 so-so American. (And could we kill this Irish play obsession, please?)
Tragic and further proof that Broadway is slipping further into irrelevance.
Now let's get to the other "Boys:" Jersey Boys.
My god, that was one overhyped piece of tourist refuse.
For the past week or so, we have seen John Lloyd Young contort his face in extreme pain (read: constipation) as he "channels" Frankie Valli. That show has been featured on almost every single live daytime television show to the point that I could predict when the switches between the numbers came (since they always did the same damn 3 songs). And were they boring. Well-performed, but boring. (Oddly enough, something that applies to the selection chosen for performance from The Threepenny Opera.)
And those acceptance speeches!
I slightly bought Hoff (even though I wanted to slap him and say "buck up! we're not your therapist"), but Young's was given in such a way that it seemed like he wanted to upstage his castmate.
The award is for Best Actor not Best Mimicry, and I think Hoff and Young realised they weren't in the right categories, so they retrofitted themseleves into it during their acceptance speeches.
That's only reason I could figure out for the crying mess they became. Even the sodding producers seemed to be on the verge of tears!
You'd think they had come up with the 21st Century version of The Cradle Will Rock!
I hold out minor hope that I'll care next year, but the trend is definitely leaning against it.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
And we take two steps back...
You know, right now in New York, there is a pending hate crimes trial that hinges on the fact that "nigga" isn't an offensive term, in fact that it is a sign of fraternity.
And now the BBC Board of Governors has ruled that "gay" as a negative is not an insult...depending on who says it.
Now, I'll give Auntie some minor credit for at least admitting that it could cause offense, but by the same token aren't they condoning usage of it as a pejorative by dismissing the complaint? I don't believe myself to be a tinhat, but it really is a slippery slope back towards socially sanctioned (if not legal) discrimination by allowing things like this to fly. The attitude the Beeb takes suggests that just because it is collaquially used in some manner by someone who does not (at least publicly) intend it to be homophobic.
Well, I say it still is homophobic.
See this is the thing. People get all up in arms about not wanting to be politically correct, when really all they want is an excuse to say bigoted thoughts without wanting to actually think about what they say. No adult of sound mind and any sort of inkling of etymologies would choose the word with baggage if they didn't mean it. (Seriously Chris, "naff," look it up in a dictionary.)
Weren't we all thought in elementary school to think before we speak? I reckon that respect for others--especially when one is in the media--is the cornerstone of most modern societies: you don't have to like me privately, but you can at least treat me as your equal.
The governors may have lightly defended their decision by saying that "gay" also means "carefree," but let's be honest here: that was not what Moyles meant and both he and the public-at-large knew it.
And now the BBC Board of Governors has ruled that "gay" as a negative is not an insult...depending on who says it.
Now, I'll give Auntie some minor credit for at least admitting that it could cause offense, but by the same token aren't they condoning usage of it as a pejorative by dismissing the complaint? I don't believe myself to be a tinhat, but it really is a slippery slope back towards socially sanctioned (if not legal) discrimination by allowing things like this to fly. The attitude the Beeb takes suggests that just because it is collaquially used in some manner by someone who does not (at least publicly) intend it to be homophobic.
Well, I say it still is homophobic.
See this is the thing. People get all up in arms about not wanting to be politically correct, when really all they want is an excuse to say bigoted thoughts without wanting to actually think about what they say. No adult of sound mind and any sort of inkling of etymologies would choose the word with baggage if they didn't mean it. (Seriously Chris, "naff," look it up in a dictionary.)
Weren't we all thought in elementary school to think before we speak? I reckon that respect for others--especially when one is in the media--is the cornerstone of most modern societies: you don't have to like me privately, but you can at least treat me as your equal.
The governors may have lightly defended their decision by saying that "gay" also means "carefree," but let's be honest here: that was not what Moyles meant and both he and the public-at-large knew it.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Because It's Unofficially Summer Now
A photo taken by the comrade, because I am notoriously evil to tourists in every city that I lived in. I think that The Bronx and Staten Island CVBs ought to thank me because I have sent many visitors to Morrisiana and Grant City in search of the Empire State Building and Carnegie Hall. Since I figure that people in other cities are as devious as I am, I get a map and stick to it when I'm travelling.
I offer up this quote from a concierge that I met recently:
"I spend hours at my job giving directions, and you're not paying me."
If you can't figure out where West 34th street is and you're on West 33rd in a borough 80% laid out like a grid, then you deserve to be led astray.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Thursday Jukebox Says June Is Strutting Out All Over Too
A compliation of Seve, La Ryan, and Sibel's live performances from Athens.
Scoreboard aside, which diva outdid the rest? You decide.
Scoreboard aside, which diva outdid the rest? You decide.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Thursday Jukebox Says June Is Busting Out All Over
In 1993, Eva told men not to mess with her...
...but in 2003, Mando showed us why no one messed with her, without saying a word on the subject.
...but in 2003, Mando showed us why no one messed with her, without saying a word on the subject.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Whatever, Bloomie
America's most famous publicly closeted mayor is now saying he's for gay marriage...once it's deemed legal by New York State.
Listen, mister, if you don't have the guts and determination to go ahead and just do what is right at this very moment in time, then don't act all "man of the people" with this "strong legal footing" nonsense.
Issue the licenses and fight for it in Albany at the same time. (Ever hear of something called a two-pronged approach, idiot?)
Not to mention, you could've been saying this from January 1st, but you wait until Pride Month?
This man truly boggles my mind. Just what does he want politically? A congressional seat would be a step down, there's no way he'd be governor, and only in bizarro world could he even have more than a .2% at being president.
I'll be happy when this fool's term is over.
Listen, mister, if you don't have the guts and determination to go ahead and just do what is right at this very moment in time, then don't act all "man of the people" with this "strong legal footing" nonsense.
Issue the licenses and fight for it in Albany at the same time. (Ever hear of something called a two-pronged approach, idiot?)
Not to mention, you could've been saying this from January 1st, but you wait until Pride Month?
This man truly boggles my mind. Just what does he want politically? A congressional seat would be a step down, there's no way he'd be governor, and only in bizarro world could he even have more than a .2% at being president.
I'll be happy when this fool's term is over.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Holiday Jukebox Goes Danish
(Courtesy of Eurovision Denmark)
If I could get away to anywhere, I'd like to escape to Copenhagen. A Miyazaki-style Copenhagen with all the current laws from now, but where if you flip on the television, you'd see funky pleas for racial tolerance:
Singing office workers in leather trousers:
And hold hands together in chaste dancing while a woman belts the hell out of a pop song at the end of the night:
If I could get away to anywhere, I'd like to escape to Copenhagen. A Miyazaki-style Copenhagen with all the current laws from now, but where if you flip on the television, you'd see funky pleas for racial tolerance:
Singing office workers in leather trousers:
And hold hands together in chaste dancing while a woman belts the hell out of a pop song at the end of the night:
Friday, May 26, 2006
Farewell, QTN: We Hardly Knew Ye
Well, it's now official: QTN is dead.
Already, Time Warner has replaced them with a scheduled version of here!--the on-demand version has been offered for quite sometime, but the plucky little network seemed to soldier onto the end.
What really slew Auntie Q? It's hard to say (for those in New York, there is an interview with Jack E. Jett on the whole debacle in the-soon-to-be-last-week's edition of Next).
On one hand, it was defiantly different, or at least tried to be. I liked that about it. It was rough around the edges and in contrast to Logo, QTN took advantage of its subscriber status by airing films unedited (they even aired My Sexual Harassment) and featuring swearing during their casual and informative daily news breaks. It was more of my kind of network in contrast to the sleek and somewhat chaste LOGO and personality-free here!. (Don't get me wrong, I love both of them as well, it's just sometimes you want no pretension and a lot of character in your network.) When you watched QTN you were undeniably getting in-your-face raw personality (yes, even from Reichen), which is what I think breaks down barriers and is really sort of entertainment niche that is overlooked.
On the other hand, QTN tried way too hard to do much when it should've focused on building an audience. The Gay Games idea was admirable, but somebody should've been at the helm saying "this is not the time." If you have to lay off a great amount of staff, most of whom who are doing this out of wanting to see the network succeed, well you're just cutting off your nose to spite your face. Akin to Icarus, QTN wanted to establish itself so strongly and so formidable, that they lost the fact that they had the ingredients to do so from the get go.
Quite simply, the bosses were greedy and too willing to take advantage of the workers who were in it because they believed in it.
Another network will come along. The market does call for subscription service beyond what here! offers. Hopefully they'll get it right the next time around.
Already, Time Warner has replaced them with a scheduled version of here!--the on-demand version has been offered for quite sometime, but the plucky little network seemed to soldier onto the end.
What really slew Auntie Q? It's hard to say (for those in New York, there is an interview with Jack E. Jett on the whole debacle in the-soon-to-be-last-week's edition of Next).
On one hand, it was defiantly different, or at least tried to be. I liked that about it. It was rough around the edges and in contrast to Logo, QTN took advantage of its subscriber status by airing films unedited (they even aired My Sexual Harassment) and featuring swearing during their casual and informative daily news breaks. It was more of my kind of network in contrast to the sleek and somewhat chaste LOGO and personality-free here!. (Don't get me wrong, I love both of them as well, it's just sometimes you want no pretension and a lot of character in your network.) When you watched QTN you were undeniably getting in-your-face raw personality (yes, even from Reichen), which is what I think breaks down barriers and is really sort of entertainment niche that is overlooked.
On the other hand, QTN tried way too hard to do much when it should've focused on building an audience. The Gay Games idea was admirable, but somebody should've been at the helm saying "this is not the time." If you have to lay off a great amount of staff, most of whom who are doing this out of wanting to see the network succeed, well you're just cutting off your nose to spite your face. Akin to Icarus, QTN wanted to establish itself so strongly and so formidable, that they lost the fact that they had the ingredients to do so from the get go.
Quite simply, the bosses were greedy and too willing to take advantage of the workers who were in it because they believed in it.
Another network will come along. The market does call for subscription service beyond what here! offers. Hopefully they'll get it right the next time around.
- Don't try so hard in your Freshmen Year, or even your Senior Year: Fox was a joke until The Simpsons; HBO didn't hit its stride until Dream On (and even that's debatable); Showtime wasn't even making that much of an impact until Queer As Folk; and Comedy Central--itself the product of market consolidation--was no-man's land until The Daily Show.
- Create a cult of personalities: Hiring Steve Kmetko was a brilliant stroke of genius. This is one area where QTN did get it right. They had personalities who were not santised in the slightest.
- News, news, news: Even without The Closet airing, I watched QTN's news religiously. Their approach was more informative than LOGO's very cut-and-dry attitude created out of the CBS culture.
- The Fish Rots From The Head: Don't go selling yourself on the market in your first year, and don't have executives who have no idea how to do anything but fail and kowtow.
- Ditch the PSAs: It's subscription-based network. This means I don't want to see any breaks at all during a show, and only trailers for upcoming programmes in between.
- Give Me A Show: I mean, you gave Reichen one. Sodding Reichen!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Thursday Jukebox Continues The Eurovision Theme (in Swedish)
First off, remember when Sweden sent cool and jazzy entries, like this one (which undeservingly scored poorly in 1963) ?:
Now, skip ahead to 1999 and the four either stoned or scared members of Crosstalk at Melodifestivalen.
ABBA-effect or not: You be the judge.
And as this is the 560th post on this piece of the internet, I'll end with one of my favourite Eurovision entries of all time:
Now, skip ahead to 1999 and the four either stoned or scared members of Crosstalk at Melodifestivalen.
ABBA-effect or not: You be the judge.
And as this is the 560th post on this piece of the internet, I'll end with one of my favourite Eurovision entries of all time:
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
It's Not Eurovision Week: Um homem sábio aprende de seus erros
(Or in non-Babelfish English: "A Wise Man Learns From His Mistakes")
You too, Spain
You too, Spain
Monday, May 22, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Eurovision 2006 Final: Shut Up, Grace
The TVE Pre-Show
First off, thank you TVE for airing the Final relatively live (3 PM EDT, with a repeat later at the evening—before 10!); I don’t really blame you for shuffling the Qualifier off into the dead of night, considering that it wouldn’t be of that much interest to Spaniards Overseas.
Now that I just said something nice, I have to say one thing about your pre-show. While I am more than happy to see the return of Don Carlos and his pansexual self, you run the risk of causing people to go on killing sprees by playing that damn “Aserje” song over and over and over and over and over again. Yes, we get it, the song was a flipping huge hit! It’s also their only worldwide hit, so it just makes the Ketchup Girls look more pathetic.
Do you not like listening to me, TVE? I told you last year that either you should get some of the vastly more intriguing (and talented) famous singers that performed during your national final/acid trip or go for a comedy act like Las Supremas. Las Ketchup is neither.
Now, TVE, I want to tell you that I really want Spain to win. I want to Spain to win more than any other country. You’re my pseudo-homeland in Euro-land these days. The only problem is that you can’t keep on sending horrific assaults on the ear combined with bizarre choreography. It also would behove you to consider picking representatives that don’t flounce about like bimbos (and yes, I’m including Ramon in this group) . Poor Beatriz—who for some reason just gave up commenting on Thursday night after Finland (not like I blame her, since the Qualifier was just dire after Lordi)—again looks like she’d rather be offering her opinion without four loud Andalucians screaming inane thoughts right next to her.
Random thought I had while watching the Pre-Show: Luis Miguel, Marta Sanchez, and Ivy Queen. I’m just saying that if you’re in the business of doing internal selections these days, aim high. Luis Miguel would be game, I reckon (hell, he did Sanremo). Ditto Marta (she did appear in the national final last year), and you shouldn’t let the Macedonians be the sole purveyors of Reggaeton in Eurovision. Get those three in the studio, and you certainly would have something unique and accessible. Plus, just you watch and see how soon the Portuguese will grab someone from Brasil, there already was a Luso-Australian in the Portuguese national final.
The Main Event
Credits roll on and to this moment, I still don’t get why they are encouraging us to “feel the rhythm.” I haven’t yet. A woman named Foetini something or other starts singing dramatically. Fortunately Beatriz starts talking and I’m spared her caterwauling. Granted, it’s pretty caterwauling, but it is overwrought. A sun holding several men dressed as Hermes or Icarus (I’m guessing the latter) comes on and if I was not certain that this is Greece, I would think that Montreal was hosting this year and Cirque de Soleil was doing the opener. Foetini sings to Apollo while a whole bunch of dancers turn around and turn and turn. Foetini comes centrestage and finishes. Meanwhile, Maz & Saz fly in…literally. Oy.
Maz has decided to go all Debra Messing with her hair and it’s an improvement to say the least. Maz isn’t screaming, and for that I am happy. Maz really looks like Debra Messing, I cannot stress that enough. She is starting sound like her too. Before I can dwell on this long enough, Helena Paprizou comes on and sings the song that brought us all to Greece in the first place. She, like most other winners, looks a lot better as the reigning winning performer. Her stage show is better, but then again, she’s given several more male dancers and acrobats. Take that six-maximum-onstage rule! Oddly enough, the song seems shorter than I remember.
Alas, Helena finishing means that Maz & Saz are back. Maz--who I am now calling Grace for the rest of this recap—goes all Valley Girl (odd, since she's from Massachusetts) and they open the contest.
Switzerland: Pools for the Swiss/International entry. IUPP start out spread out all over the stage and they are still smiling! Do they not realise what they are singing about? I mean, it’s about charity and how the world is in pain, and they are smiling. I get the sense that they all really wish they were singing this individually. It’s mawkish, arguably insincere, and oddly enough, Andreas and Tinka are the most demure of the group.
Moldova: Beaches, ports, and shopping for Arse & Co. Oh good lord, there’s a sail that says “loca” up front. Jesus, is this Disney World or Eurovision? Arse looks constipated and bewildered. Perhaps he’s trying to convey the meaning of “loca,” but it comes across as daft. Natalia by contrast is self-assured, then again she’s not really going to take the hit for this is she? (Costume changes and all, she works harder than anybody else.) The rapper is just as confident. In fact, everybody else onstage is pretty confident except for Arse, who is barely audible anyway. Oh well. Sucks to be you, Arse.
Israel: Boats for Israel. Eddie starts out on top of a piano, outstretched like Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys. Eddie mumbles the verses, while his backing singers sing—mostly—in key and loudly. Another bone to pick here: Eddie is nasal as hell, and it is impossible to tell when he is switching from Hebrew to English. The song is somewhat saved when they get all gospel towards the end, but again, the backing singers totally out perform Eddie. This seems to be a running theme this year.
Latvia: Sports and kiosks for Latvia. (I’m guessing there’s a connection.) This is basically IUPP, except they’re all male, Latvian, and singing acapella. It’s very cute, but then they have to go for extra cute points by playing around with a robot. (It’s times like this that I wish I could hear what Wogan has to say about it.) The robot isn’t cute; it doesn’t add to anything; it just annoys. Blah.
Norway: Antiquity for Norway. That’s rather appropriate for a folk ballad. I’m hoping that Christine will save us from the 4 horrors that preceded, but who knows. Christine and her backing performers are all in white and it’s very sleek for a folk song about elves dancing. It is also blissfully devoid of gimmicks, beyond the fact that they are in diamond formation with a wind machine. You go, Miss Norway.
Spain: Plazas and banquet halls for Spain. (I’m not saying a word.) The Ketchup are all in swivel seats while two dancers fling themselves about as if they are in a completely different entry. The Ketchup eventually get themselves out of the chairs for a brief moment, but then again they are back into the chairs. I feel for the dancers. They are working themselves silly for these girls who never quite find something approximately close to the tune. That said, it’s not the horror that was last year’s entry. Some year, Spain, some year we will get the win. Just not this year.
Malta: Beaches and resort life for Malta. Fabbo looks dead butch from afar and then we get a close-up. I was worried for a second there, Fabbo. If any song needs to be camped up, this is it. Fabbo’s all female dancers/singers work themselves silly, but this year, it seems that arrangement only works for female singers with all male dancers. Oh lord, did I just see the dancers do the running man? There’s a male background singer (Alex Panayi?) who really just does nothing. Oh well. I don’t think it’s your year, Fabbo.
Germany: Antiquity for Germany too, and it is appropriate for a retro-Country song. Ok, the first impression I get here is of a County Fair performance circa 1955. It’s very cute, highly kitschy, and I can somewhat see the appeal. Quite honestly, the fact that most of the entries before it threw everything but the kitchen sink at us, works in their favour. Now that I’ve been all complimentary and I have to still say that it looks like a bunch of Germans (and 1 Australian who is not Keith Urban) singing Country.
Denmark: Remember how I compared “Twist of Love” to “Hallo Hallo?” Well, it’s really apparent now that “Hallo Hallo” and its campiness are superior. Sidsel and her girls do perform the living daylights out of it, but then they bring out a break dancer in the role of “Johnny.” I still find it odd that there is barely any twisting onstage whatsoever. The whole thing leaves me indifferent to be honest.
Russia: Ooh, fashion for Russia. The Mullet Twink still has his mullet, but his tank top now has “10” on it instead of “13.” He’s also grown a bit of a goatee, because he wants to be taken seriously…I’m guessing. His legs still look like they are made of rubber, but it does seem like he has toned things down from the Qualifier. There is still nobody at the piano when he summons the albino ballerina. One thing that I can’t quite figure out, why does he ignore her? I mean, she’s coming out of a piano! Beatriz is also as amusingly perplexed as I am. I like you, Beatriz.
Macedonia: Elenina Sky still looks like a hoochie, but at least she’s smiling, so we know she’s not going to cut one of those dancers. If you listen to the lyrics closely, you could totally see Jennifer Lopez singing this song. The fact that Elenina Sky is made up like her doesn’t help dissuade this thought at all. Still no winner, but more polished than the Qualifier.
Romania: Nightclubs for Romania, which make sense with a dance song. Mihai is dressed like a club promoter, which also makes sense. He takes the popular route this year of staying relatively still while the dancers fling themselves all over. There seems to be a theme with the choreography, with one of the female dancers getting pissed every time that another dancer pays attention to Mihai. Despite this description, the performance doesn’t really “grab” you. Eh, good try, Mihai.
Since I’m watching this on TVE, we have a commercial break. I suspect that TVE and TVE Internacional viewers are not missing anything of importance. Most likely, all we’d see is Saz & Grace making fools of themselves. Oops, I spoke too soon. Saz & Grace (hell, I’m just going to call him Will—how you doin’?) come back on to tell us that we have 2 hours left. Well, thank you for telling us the obvious.
Bosnia & Herzegovina: Market life for BiH. The dramatic stage picture is still as intense as it was on Thursday. HMH is smiling now, which I think is good, though I don’t know Bosnian. The reports have been saying that this song will lose its impact by coming on after the commercial break, which I will say is a shame, because it is quite stirring. HMH does sound like he is going at full tilt. Very impressive, I must say. They deserve to do well.
Lithuania: Paper boats for Lithuania, which makes a perhaps unintentional on the comment on the song that will follow. There is an audible chorus of boos before they sing. Unlike with Sylvia Night, I understand the booing here. The Reservoir Dogs come across as more subdued than they did on Thursday. Doesn’t matter, the performance still looks like something better suited for Late Night with Conan O’Brien. I don’t blame the performers, since they give their all, I blame the songwriters.
United Kingdom: Ski resorts for the UK? The girls sound quite good live. So does Daz. If the televoters share the audience’s displeasure with The Reservoir Dogs, Daz will reap the benefits and he really should. I have to say that this is the first British entry in some time that really screams “British,” and I mean that as a major compliment. The audience cheers semi-wildly.
Greece: Food, music, sea, and drink for Greece. Ouch, poor Daz, I feel for him having to come on before La Vissi. La Vissi is all alone onstage, and dressed like 1989 meets 2006. She does make me like the song more than I did previously, but it’s not an arresting performance. In fact, I keep expecting her to take it to the next level. She does get close to it during the last third of the song where she goes full-on “I’m torn up and going crazy.” Very good showing, La Vissi.
Finland: Art for Finland. Ouch for La Vissi, having to come on before Lordi. I have to say there’s a real angel preceding devils metaphor being written up onstage now. Unlike on Thursday, Lordi is really getting my attention, then again Croatia and Turkey have yet to perform. Nonetheless, when Mr. Lordi sings “my eyes are red,” there is a close up on his red eyes and it is very effective. The song does seem to end a little bit too early, which is a good sign.
Ukraine: Kiosks for Ukraine. Karola is pouring on the cuteness, which is a choice I would do if I was following Lordi. Karola is coming across like a minature version of La Vissi, who I could easily singing this song and doing a damn good job of it. The jump rope is still there and it is a little bit over-the-top I have to say. Karola really works the held note towards the end, good for her. I think she’ll do well.
France: Fashion and the high life for France. Poor Virginie has not been getting good reports from those who have been viewing the rehearsals. She is dressed in white with a cellist. It is very simple and quite a contrast to Karola and La Vissi (who despite being alone onstage damn near filled the stage with her performance). Virginie does come across as sweet, but alas is a bit off-key. Since I’m a subscriber to the belief that contrasting with the entries the come before and after you is a good thing, she will hopefully do decently.
Croatia: Metros and restaurants for Croatia. Damn! Seve’s backing singers are in good voice. Seve is in better form than ever. She really does attack the stage, but it doesn’t really come together until she rips her dress off. Funnily enough, I can’t help but think of Sertab when she performs.
Ireland: I watched the Qualifier with the ex, and he absolutely detested the song and Brian’s performance. (He was pissed that this and Lithuania got through.) If he was watching this now, he’d still hate both and I’d be right along with him. Brian has toned himself done, but this song is still full of mawkish sentiment. Blah. I even think I heard a couple of boos.
Sweden: Bar and café life for Sweden. Carola is in slightly better voice, but really this performance just seems so-so. It is definitely amongst the better performances so far, but it feels so soulless. The white flags are definitely a metaphor and over the top. Another comment from the ex: When he saw Carola, he couldn’t stop laughing. Why? “You’d think she’d have more fashion sense.”
Turkey: Classic Greek educators (Aristotle, Homer, etc.) for Turkey. Even if she doesn’t win, Sibel at least wins for having the most attractive male dancers, who are still working their very attractive asses off. Her voice and performance is even sleeker than Thursday, which was already pretty sleek. Reports had her switching languages, and she does change to English for a moment in the final third. I have to say this (and I am very surprised to say this), but Sibel does outperform Seve. Whether that translates to votes, I do not know. All I know, is that if I was the head of TRT, I’d be checking with the Accounting Department.
Armenia: The Unibrower and the Calli-Girls still are capering about their table. I don’t know why, but this performance and song remind me of Macbeth. The Ex, when he saw this, was very unimpressed and shocked when it got through. I was impressed from a choreography standpoint, but The Unibrower is still in so-so voice (especially towards the end). That said, I think Armenia is probably in the Final next year…hopefully with a duet between Cher and Colton Ford.
Will & Grace come back on. Grace is wearing a very short dress that makes her look like a 9th Avenue prostitute. Will is dressed like Elvis. They explain the voting and Grace looks miffed whenever Will speaks, because it’s all about HER! Will promises us a surprise guest to kick off the voting: Nana Mouskouri. Nana still has her glasses, but I had never realised how short she is, unless Will & Grace are unusually tall. Nana gives a pep talk to the inevitable losers. Then Will & Nana mess up the hourglass.
Review: IUPP want to kick each other offstage; Arse was horrid, but everybody else onstage was good; Eddie was outdone by his backing singers; Cosmos had that damn robot; Miss Norway was pleasantly understated; The Ketchup were over their heads; Fabbo was subpar; The Teutonic Twang was cute and kitschy; Sidsel sang about twisting without actually doing so; The Mullet Twink was still incomprehensible; Elenina Sky smiled and looked eerily like Jennifer Lopez; Mihai was like every indistinguishable dance song you’ve ever heard; HMH was classy and dramatic; The Reservoir Dogs were appropriately booed; Daz was joyfully straight up British; La Vissi eventually brought it, dramatically; Lordi was a little bit better than Thursday; Karola went for maximum cuteness; Virginie was simple, quiet, and off key; Seve attacked the stage a la Sertab; Brian annoyed; Carola has no soul; Sibel brought it from the start; The Unibrower was marred by his voice.
I think it’s between Croatia, Turkey, with Bosnia & Herzegovina and Greece as dark horses. Either way, I reckon we're staying in Southern Europe, and not to Malta, Macedonia, Spain, or Armenia. The only one that might upset that is a win by Finland.
Helena performs some song about mambo that has a bouzoki break. Lyrics and performance together, it is “My Number One” mark two. The only difference here is that she is accompanied by all female dancers. It’s a pretty good song, but you’d think she’d try to stretch her range.
Will & Grace come back onstage. Grace is now in a black gown, while Will is still in a gold suit, still looking like Elvis. I get the sense that they’re not really getting along with each other. Grace is probably miffed that her Entertainment Tonight background means nothing outside of North America.
Commercial break time on TVE, which is a bit of downer, since Final Night intervals are more spectacular than the Qualifier Night, but I’m just happy to be able to view Eurovision live on television and not on a computer.
Will & Grace come back to prepare us for the voting. I wish I had some alcohol on hand, because lord knows these two will try my patience big time. If you didn’t know already, this year the 1-7 points will be shown automatically.
The Voting
Slovenia: Ooh, it’s Peter Poles with a “Maria marry me” t-shirt. Croatia gets 10. BiH gets the 12. Damn this is quick.
Andorra: Spain gets the 12. Not a shock.
Romania: Wow, the spokeswoman for Romania is pretty. Moldova gets the 12. Also not a shock.
Denmark: Finland gets the Danish 12. Good for them.
Latvia: The spokesman comes on to both Will & Grace, you sly dog. Russia gets their 12.
Portugal: Ukraine gets their 12. Karola & Co. do a dance with tambourines.
Sweden: Finland gets their 12. Neighbourly, but sweet.
Finland is in the lead, and I grow ever more adoring of Beatriz for talking over Will & Grace's inane chatter.
Finland: Russia gets the Finnish 12.
Belgium: The spokeswoman holds up a card with the results that says “We love Kate Ryan” on the back. Aww, I love La Ryan too--because she'll kick my ass otherwise. Armenia gets the Belgian 12.
Croatia: Another stunning spokeswoman. BiH gets the Croatian 12. They are very understated and polite in receiving their 12.
Serbia & Montenegro: Huh? Why are they voting? BiH gets their 12, which is no surprise whatsoever.
Norway: Finland gets the Norwegian 12, which is no shock, but still kind of them.
Grace makes an asinine comment about Lordi.
Estonia: Who did the spokeswoman’s hair? Finland gets the Estonian 12. Helsinki 2007 is beginning to look more and more like a possibility.
Ireland: Lithuania gets the Irish 12. Ouch for the UK.
Malta: Swtzerland gets the Maltese 12. It pays to have a Maltese in your IUPP.
Lithuania: Russia gets the Lithuanian 12. It wasn’t that good.
Cyprus: For awhile, the screen reads Switzerland. Beatriz & I are equally confused. Konstantinos sings the flipping 12 that we all know are going to Greece.
Grace leaves to go to the Green Room. Say goodnight, Grace.
Netherlands: The Dutch spokesman says that Will & Grace look like Will & Grace. Hahaha! It’s not just me that thinks that. I like you, Mr. Dutch spokesman. He also comes onto Will, who follows with an oral sex joke. Turkey gets the Dutch 12.
Switzerland: BiH gets the Swiss 12 with no sex jokes, unfortunately.
Commercial break: I bet this is where Grace makes a fool of herself in the Green Room. I’m now revising my prediction. We’re either going to Sarajevo, Helsinki, or Moscow.
Ukraine: Russia gets the Ukrainian 12. The Mullet Twink chirps happily.
Russia: Armenia gets the Russian 12. The Unibrower & Co. make faces at the camera.
Poland: This spokesman isn’t going to make any oral sex jokes whatsoever. He will make a joke about Poland giving points to themselves, however. Finland gets the actual Polish 12.
Will & Grace hawk the CD and the DVD. Helsinki 2007 moves ever closer.
United Kingdom: Finland gets the British 12 and a hand gesture.
Armenia: The spokeswoman speaks loud and flat. Russia gets the Armenian 12. The Mullet Twink & Co. make faces.
France: Turkey gets the French 12 in a very elegant fashion.
Belarus: The spokeswoman is where a bustier and looking like a trollop. Russia gets the 12. The Mullet Twink Company shake flags.
Germany: Oh lord, Axel is on a horse and wearing a cowboy outfit. Turkey gets the German 12.
Spain: Grace calls Spain “Estonia” while trying to speak Spanish. Idiot. Romania gets the Spanish 12.
Moldova: The spokeswoman looks scared and stilted. Romania gets the Moldovan 12, to no one’s surprise.
Bosnia & Herzegovina: Croatia gets the Bosnian 12, Seve waves sweetly at the camera.
Iceland: Finland gets the Icelandic 12. Grace proves herself to be even more foolish when Lordi hold up a sign: "I think that's Monster Talk."
Monaco: BiH gets the Monegasque 12.
Israel: Russia gets the Israeli 12. The Mullet Twink Company pump their fists excitedly.
Albania: BiH gets the Albanian 12. HMH & Company look a little more excited now, but still restrained.
Greece: Finland gets the Greek 12. Interestingly enough, Lordi are very restrained as victory gets ever closer.
Bulgaria: Greece gets the Bulgarian 12. La Vissi is also restrained and polite in the Green Room.
Macedonia: The spokesman sings to Will & Grace, but mostly to Will. BiH gets the Macedonian 12.
Turkey: BiH gets the Turkish 12.
And now, believe it or not, Finland has finally won Eurovision.
Of course, I’d rather that Sibel or Seve won, but I’m more than content with Lordi. I am surprised that Turkey & Croatia weren’t burning up the scoreboard as much as I thought they would. However, Fabbo coming last is a real surprise.
Grace calls them “Hard Rock Monsters.” Shut up, Grace.
Fireworks go up outside of the stadium. Perhaps it’s the costumes, but Lordi are not freaking out like most other winners. I like them.
First off, thank you TVE for airing the Final relatively live (3 PM EDT, with a repeat later at the evening—before 10!); I don’t really blame you for shuffling the Qualifier off into the dead of night, considering that it wouldn’t be of that much interest to Spaniards Overseas.
Now that I just said something nice, I have to say one thing about your pre-show. While I am more than happy to see the return of Don Carlos and his pansexual self, you run the risk of causing people to go on killing sprees by playing that damn “Aserje” song over and over and over and over and over again. Yes, we get it, the song was a flipping huge hit! It’s also their only worldwide hit, so it just makes the Ketchup Girls look more pathetic.
Do you not like listening to me, TVE? I told you last year that either you should get some of the vastly more intriguing (and talented) famous singers that performed during your national final/acid trip or go for a comedy act like Las Supremas. Las Ketchup is neither.
Now, TVE, I want to tell you that I really want Spain to win. I want to Spain to win more than any other country. You’re my pseudo-homeland in Euro-land these days. The only problem is that you can’t keep on sending horrific assaults on the ear combined with bizarre choreography. It also would behove you to consider picking representatives that don’t flounce about like bimbos (and yes, I’m including Ramon in this group) . Poor Beatriz—who for some reason just gave up commenting on Thursday night after Finland (not like I blame her, since the Qualifier was just dire after Lordi)—again looks like she’d rather be offering her opinion without four loud Andalucians screaming inane thoughts right next to her.
Random thought I had while watching the Pre-Show: Luis Miguel, Marta Sanchez, and Ivy Queen. I’m just saying that if you’re in the business of doing internal selections these days, aim high. Luis Miguel would be game, I reckon (hell, he did Sanremo). Ditto Marta (she did appear in the national final last year), and you shouldn’t let the Macedonians be the sole purveyors of Reggaeton in Eurovision. Get those three in the studio, and you certainly would have something unique and accessible. Plus, just you watch and see how soon the Portuguese will grab someone from Brasil, there already was a Luso-Australian in the Portuguese national final.
The Main Event
Credits roll on and to this moment, I still don’t get why they are encouraging us to “feel the rhythm.” I haven’t yet. A woman named Foetini something or other starts singing dramatically. Fortunately Beatriz starts talking and I’m spared her caterwauling. Granted, it’s pretty caterwauling, but it is overwrought. A sun holding several men dressed as Hermes or Icarus (I’m guessing the latter) comes on and if I was not certain that this is Greece, I would think that Montreal was hosting this year and Cirque de Soleil was doing the opener. Foetini sings to Apollo while a whole bunch of dancers turn around and turn and turn. Foetini comes centrestage and finishes. Meanwhile, Maz & Saz fly in…literally. Oy.
Maz has decided to go all Debra Messing with her hair and it’s an improvement to say the least. Maz isn’t screaming, and for that I am happy. Maz really looks like Debra Messing, I cannot stress that enough. She is starting sound like her too. Before I can dwell on this long enough, Helena Paprizou comes on and sings the song that brought us all to Greece in the first place. She, like most other winners, looks a lot better as the reigning winning performer. Her stage show is better, but then again, she’s given several more male dancers and acrobats. Take that six-maximum-onstage rule! Oddly enough, the song seems shorter than I remember.
Alas, Helena finishing means that Maz & Saz are back. Maz--who I am now calling Grace for the rest of this recap—goes all Valley Girl (odd, since she's from Massachusetts) and they open the contest.
Switzerland: Pools for the Swiss/International entry. IUPP start out spread out all over the stage and they are still smiling! Do they not realise what they are singing about? I mean, it’s about charity and how the world is in pain, and they are smiling. I get the sense that they all really wish they were singing this individually. It’s mawkish, arguably insincere, and oddly enough, Andreas and Tinka are the most demure of the group.
Moldova: Beaches, ports, and shopping for Arse & Co. Oh good lord, there’s a sail that says “loca” up front. Jesus, is this Disney World or Eurovision? Arse looks constipated and bewildered. Perhaps he’s trying to convey the meaning of “loca,” but it comes across as daft. Natalia by contrast is self-assured, then again she’s not really going to take the hit for this is she? (Costume changes and all, she works harder than anybody else.) The rapper is just as confident. In fact, everybody else onstage is pretty confident except for Arse, who is barely audible anyway. Oh well. Sucks to be you, Arse.
Israel: Boats for Israel. Eddie starts out on top of a piano, outstretched like Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys. Eddie mumbles the verses, while his backing singers sing—mostly—in key and loudly. Another bone to pick here: Eddie is nasal as hell, and it is impossible to tell when he is switching from Hebrew to English. The song is somewhat saved when they get all gospel towards the end, but again, the backing singers totally out perform Eddie. This seems to be a running theme this year.
Latvia: Sports and kiosks for Latvia. (I’m guessing there’s a connection.) This is basically IUPP, except they’re all male, Latvian, and singing acapella. It’s very cute, but then they have to go for extra cute points by playing around with a robot. (It’s times like this that I wish I could hear what Wogan has to say about it.) The robot isn’t cute; it doesn’t add to anything; it just annoys. Blah.
Norway: Antiquity for Norway. That’s rather appropriate for a folk ballad. I’m hoping that Christine will save us from the 4 horrors that preceded, but who knows. Christine and her backing performers are all in white and it’s very sleek for a folk song about elves dancing. It is also blissfully devoid of gimmicks, beyond the fact that they are in diamond formation with a wind machine. You go, Miss Norway.
Spain: Plazas and banquet halls for Spain. (I’m not saying a word.) The Ketchup are all in swivel seats while two dancers fling themselves about as if they are in a completely different entry. The Ketchup eventually get themselves out of the chairs for a brief moment, but then again they are back into the chairs. I feel for the dancers. They are working themselves silly for these girls who never quite find something approximately close to the tune. That said, it’s not the horror that was last year’s entry. Some year, Spain, some year we will get the win. Just not this year.
Malta: Beaches and resort life for Malta. Fabbo looks dead butch from afar and then we get a close-up. I was worried for a second there, Fabbo. If any song needs to be camped up, this is it. Fabbo’s all female dancers/singers work themselves silly, but this year, it seems that arrangement only works for female singers with all male dancers. Oh lord, did I just see the dancers do the running man? There’s a male background singer (Alex Panayi?) who really just does nothing. Oh well. I don’t think it’s your year, Fabbo.
Germany: Antiquity for Germany too, and it is appropriate for a retro-Country song. Ok, the first impression I get here is of a County Fair performance circa 1955. It’s very cute, highly kitschy, and I can somewhat see the appeal. Quite honestly, the fact that most of the entries before it threw everything but the kitchen sink at us, works in their favour. Now that I’ve been all complimentary and I have to still say that it looks like a bunch of Germans (and 1 Australian who is not Keith Urban) singing Country.
Denmark: Remember how I compared “Twist of Love” to “Hallo Hallo?” Well, it’s really apparent now that “Hallo Hallo” and its campiness are superior. Sidsel and her girls do perform the living daylights out of it, but then they bring out a break dancer in the role of “Johnny.” I still find it odd that there is barely any twisting onstage whatsoever. The whole thing leaves me indifferent to be honest.
Russia: Ooh, fashion for Russia. The Mullet Twink still has his mullet, but his tank top now has “10” on it instead of “13.” He’s also grown a bit of a goatee, because he wants to be taken seriously…I’m guessing. His legs still look like they are made of rubber, but it does seem like he has toned things down from the Qualifier. There is still nobody at the piano when he summons the albino ballerina. One thing that I can’t quite figure out, why does he ignore her? I mean, she’s coming out of a piano! Beatriz is also as amusingly perplexed as I am. I like you, Beatriz.
Macedonia: Elenina Sky still looks like a hoochie, but at least she’s smiling, so we know she’s not going to cut one of those dancers. If you listen to the lyrics closely, you could totally see Jennifer Lopez singing this song. The fact that Elenina Sky is made up like her doesn’t help dissuade this thought at all. Still no winner, but more polished than the Qualifier.
Romania: Nightclubs for Romania, which make sense with a dance song. Mihai is dressed like a club promoter, which also makes sense. He takes the popular route this year of staying relatively still while the dancers fling themselves all over. There seems to be a theme with the choreography, with one of the female dancers getting pissed every time that another dancer pays attention to Mihai. Despite this description, the performance doesn’t really “grab” you. Eh, good try, Mihai.
Since I’m watching this on TVE, we have a commercial break. I suspect that TVE and TVE Internacional viewers are not missing anything of importance. Most likely, all we’d see is Saz & Grace making fools of themselves. Oops, I spoke too soon. Saz & Grace (hell, I’m just going to call him Will—how you doin’?) come back on to tell us that we have 2 hours left. Well, thank you for telling us the obvious.
Bosnia & Herzegovina: Market life for BiH. The dramatic stage picture is still as intense as it was on Thursday. HMH is smiling now, which I think is good, though I don’t know Bosnian. The reports have been saying that this song will lose its impact by coming on after the commercial break, which I will say is a shame, because it is quite stirring. HMH does sound like he is going at full tilt. Very impressive, I must say. They deserve to do well.
Lithuania: Paper boats for Lithuania, which makes a perhaps unintentional on the comment on the song that will follow. There is an audible chorus of boos before they sing. Unlike with Sylvia Night, I understand the booing here. The Reservoir Dogs come across as more subdued than they did on Thursday. Doesn’t matter, the performance still looks like something better suited for Late Night with Conan O’Brien. I don’t blame the performers, since they give their all, I blame the songwriters.
United Kingdom: Ski resorts for the UK? The girls sound quite good live. So does Daz. If the televoters share the audience’s displeasure with The Reservoir Dogs, Daz will reap the benefits and he really should. I have to say that this is the first British entry in some time that really screams “British,” and I mean that as a major compliment. The audience cheers semi-wildly.
Greece: Food, music, sea, and drink for Greece. Ouch, poor Daz, I feel for him having to come on before La Vissi. La Vissi is all alone onstage, and dressed like 1989 meets 2006. She does make me like the song more than I did previously, but it’s not an arresting performance. In fact, I keep expecting her to take it to the next level. She does get close to it during the last third of the song where she goes full-on “I’m torn up and going crazy.” Very good showing, La Vissi.
Finland: Art for Finland. Ouch for La Vissi, having to come on before Lordi. I have to say there’s a real angel preceding devils metaphor being written up onstage now. Unlike on Thursday, Lordi is really getting my attention, then again Croatia and Turkey have yet to perform. Nonetheless, when Mr. Lordi sings “my eyes are red,” there is a close up on his red eyes and it is very effective. The song does seem to end a little bit too early, which is a good sign.
Ukraine: Kiosks for Ukraine. Karola is pouring on the cuteness, which is a choice I would do if I was following Lordi. Karola is coming across like a minature version of La Vissi, who I could easily singing this song and doing a damn good job of it. The jump rope is still there and it is a little bit over-the-top I have to say. Karola really works the held note towards the end, good for her. I think she’ll do well.
France: Fashion and the high life for France. Poor Virginie has not been getting good reports from those who have been viewing the rehearsals. She is dressed in white with a cellist. It is very simple and quite a contrast to Karola and La Vissi (who despite being alone onstage damn near filled the stage with her performance). Virginie does come across as sweet, but alas is a bit off-key. Since I’m a subscriber to the belief that contrasting with the entries the come before and after you is a good thing, she will hopefully do decently.
Croatia: Metros and restaurants for Croatia. Damn! Seve’s backing singers are in good voice. Seve is in better form than ever. She really does attack the stage, but it doesn’t really come together until she rips her dress off. Funnily enough, I can’t help but think of Sertab when she performs.
Ireland: I watched the Qualifier with the ex, and he absolutely detested the song and Brian’s performance. (He was pissed that this and Lithuania got through.) If he was watching this now, he’d still hate both and I’d be right along with him. Brian has toned himself done, but this song is still full of mawkish sentiment. Blah. I even think I heard a couple of boos.
Sweden: Bar and café life for Sweden. Carola is in slightly better voice, but really this performance just seems so-so. It is definitely amongst the better performances so far, but it feels so soulless. The white flags are definitely a metaphor and over the top. Another comment from the ex: When he saw Carola, he couldn’t stop laughing. Why? “You’d think she’d have more fashion sense.”
Turkey: Classic Greek educators (Aristotle, Homer, etc.) for Turkey. Even if she doesn’t win, Sibel at least wins for having the most attractive male dancers, who are still working their very attractive asses off. Her voice and performance is even sleeker than Thursday, which was already pretty sleek. Reports had her switching languages, and she does change to English for a moment in the final third. I have to say this (and I am very surprised to say this), but Sibel does outperform Seve. Whether that translates to votes, I do not know. All I know, is that if I was the head of TRT, I’d be checking with the Accounting Department.
Armenia: The Unibrower and the Calli-Girls still are capering about their table. I don’t know why, but this performance and song remind me of Macbeth. The Ex, when he saw this, was very unimpressed and shocked when it got through. I was impressed from a choreography standpoint, but The Unibrower is still in so-so voice (especially towards the end). That said, I think Armenia is probably in the Final next year…hopefully with a duet between Cher and Colton Ford.
Will & Grace come back on. Grace is wearing a very short dress that makes her look like a 9th Avenue prostitute. Will is dressed like Elvis. They explain the voting and Grace looks miffed whenever Will speaks, because it’s all about HER! Will promises us a surprise guest to kick off the voting: Nana Mouskouri. Nana still has her glasses, but I had never realised how short she is, unless Will & Grace are unusually tall. Nana gives a pep talk to the inevitable losers. Then Will & Nana mess up the hourglass.
Review: IUPP want to kick each other offstage; Arse was horrid, but everybody else onstage was good; Eddie was outdone by his backing singers; Cosmos had that damn robot; Miss Norway was pleasantly understated; The Ketchup were over their heads; Fabbo was subpar; The Teutonic Twang was cute and kitschy; Sidsel sang about twisting without actually doing so; The Mullet Twink was still incomprehensible; Elenina Sky smiled and looked eerily like Jennifer Lopez; Mihai was like every indistinguishable dance song you’ve ever heard; HMH was classy and dramatic; The Reservoir Dogs were appropriately booed; Daz was joyfully straight up British; La Vissi eventually brought it, dramatically; Lordi was a little bit better than Thursday; Karola went for maximum cuteness; Virginie was simple, quiet, and off key; Seve attacked the stage a la Sertab; Brian annoyed; Carola has no soul; Sibel brought it from the start; The Unibrower was marred by his voice.
I think it’s between Croatia, Turkey, with Bosnia & Herzegovina and Greece as dark horses. Either way, I reckon we're staying in Southern Europe, and not to Malta, Macedonia, Spain, or Armenia. The only one that might upset that is a win by Finland.
Helena performs some song about mambo that has a bouzoki break. Lyrics and performance together, it is “My Number One” mark two. The only difference here is that she is accompanied by all female dancers. It’s a pretty good song, but you’d think she’d try to stretch her range.
Will & Grace come back onstage. Grace is now in a black gown, while Will is still in a gold suit, still looking like Elvis. I get the sense that they’re not really getting along with each other. Grace is probably miffed that her Entertainment Tonight background means nothing outside of North America.
Commercial break time on TVE, which is a bit of downer, since Final Night intervals are more spectacular than the Qualifier Night, but I’m just happy to be able to view Eurovision live on television and not on a computer.
Will & Grace come back to prepare us for the voting. I wish I had some alcohol on hand, because lord knows these two will try my patience big time. If you didn’t know already, this year the 1-7 points will be shown automatically.
The Voting
Slovenia: Ooh, it’s Peter Poles with a “Maria marry me” t-shirt. Croatia gets 10. BiH gets the 12. Damn this is quick.
Andorra: Spain gets the 12. Not a shock.
Romania: Wow, the spokeswoman for Romania is pretty. Moldova gets the 12. Also not a shock.
Denmark: Finland gets the Danish 12. Good for them.
Latvia: The spokesman comes on to both Will & Grace, you sly dog. Russia gets their 12.
Portugal: Ukraine gets their 12. Karola & Co. do a dance with tambourines.
Sweden: Finland gets their 12. Neighbourly, but sweet.
Finland is in the lead, and I grow ever more adoring of Beatriz for talking over Will & Grace's inane chatter.
Finland: Russia gets the Finnish 12.
Belgium: The spokeswoman holds up a card with the results that says “We love Kate Ryan” on the back. Aww, I love La Ryan too--because she'll kick my ass otherwise. Armenia gets the Belgian 12.
Croatia: Another stunning spokeswoman. BiH gets the Croatian 12. They are very understated and polite in receiving their 12.
Serbia & Montenegro: Huh? Why are they voting? BiH gets their 12, which is no surprise whatsoever.
Norway: Finland gets the Norwegian 12, which is no shock, but still kind of them.
Grace makes an asinine comment about Lordi.
Estonia: Who did the spokeswoman’s hair? Finland gets the Estonian 12. Helsinki 2007 is beginning to look more and more like a possibility.
Ireland: Lithuania gets the Irish 12. Ouch for the UK.
Malta: Swtzerland gets the Maltese 12. It pays to have a Maltese in your IUPP.
Lithuania: Russia gets the Lithuanian 12. It wasn’t that good.
Cyprus: For awhile, the screen reads Switzerland. Beatriz & I are equally confused. Konstantinos sings the flipping 12 that we all know are going to Greece.
Grace leaves to go to the Green Room. Say goodnight, Grace.
Netherlands: The Dutch spokesman says that Will & Grace look like Will & Grace. Hahaha! It’s not just me that thinks that. I like you, Mr. Dutch spokesman. He also comes onto Will, who follows with an oral sex joke. Turkey gets the Dutch 12.
Switzerland: BiH gets the Swiss 12 with no sex jokes, unfortunately.
Commercial break: I bet this is where Grace makes a fool of herself in the Green Room. I’m now revising my prediction. We’re either going to Sarajevo, Helsinki, or Moscow.
Ukraine: Russia gets the Ukrainian 12. The Mullet Twink chirps happily.
Russia: Armenia gets the Russian 12. The Unibrower & Co. make faces at the camera.
Poland: This spokesman isn’t going to make any oral sex jokes whatsoever. He will make a joke about Poland giving points to themselves, however. Finland gets the actual Polish 12.
Will & Grace hawk the CD and the DVD. Helsinki 2007 moves ever closer.
United Kingdom: Finland gets the British 12 and a hand gesture.
Armenia: The spokeswoman speaks loud and flat. Russia gets the Armenian 12. The Mullet Twink & Co. make faces.
France: Turkey gets the French 12 in a very elegant fashion.
Belarus: The spokeswoman is where a bustier and looking like a trollop. Russia gets the 12. The Mullet Twink Company shake flags.
Germany: Oh lord, Axel is on a horse and wearing a cowboy outfit. Turkey gets the German 12.
Spain: Grace calls Spain “Estonia” while trying to speak Spanish. Idiot. Romania gets the Spanish 12.
Moldova: The spokeswoman looks scared and stilted. Romania gets the Moldovan 12, to no one’s surprise.
Bosnia & Herzegovina: Croatia gets the Bosnian 12, Seve waves sweetly at the camera.
Iceland: Finland gets the Icelandic 12. Grace proves herself to be even more foolish when Lordi hold up a sign: "I think that's Monster Talk."
Monaco: BiH gets the Monegasque 12.
Israel: Russia gets the Israeli 12. The Mullet Twink Company pump their fists excitedly.
Albania: BiH gets the Albanian 12. HMH & Company look a little more excited now, but still restrained.
Greece: Finland gets the Greek 12. Interestingly enough, Lordi are very restrained as victory gets ever closer.
Bulgaria: Greece gets the Bulgarian 12. La Vissi is also restrained and polite in the Green Room.
Macedonia: The spokesman sings to Will & Grace, but mostly to Will. BiH gets the Macedonian 12.
Turkey: BiH gets the Turkish 12.
And now, believe it or not, Finland has finally won Eurovision.
Of course, I’d rather that Sibel or Seve won, but I’m more than content with Lordi. I am surprised that Turkey & Croatia weren’t burning up the scoreboard as much as I thought they would. However, Fabbo coming last is a real surprise.
Grace calls them “Hard Rock Monsters.” Shut up, Grace.
Fireworks go up outside of the stadium. Perhaps it’s the costumes, but Lordi are not freaking out like most other winners. I like them.
Congratulations Lordi & Finland. God knows, you deserve it after waiting for so long.
As a final thought: Shut up, Grace.
Friday, May 19, 2006
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