Drugs and Eurovision National Finals don't mix: Spanish Eurovision Semi-Final

There is one ESC final that I can watch on regular TV and curiously enough, it is Spain's, courtesy of TVE International. (So the Swedes get a break...Just kidding, I love you guys, especially the ones who have been leaving comments here.)

From the second I see the psychedelic graphics, I get the sense that we are not in Vaxjo. "Tonight Show" music plays as stills of the competitors (all relatively unknown, apparently) flash by "Hullabaloo" style.

Oh my lord, the set! Is this a national final or Sabado Gigante? Our intrepid host, Carlos Lozano--who is not as sexy as the name would imply--is seeming to channel Don Francisco as he rapidly manages to mention that this is to decide the song for Kiev as well as mention the tons of guest performers (*cough* padding *cough*), which includes Maria Isabel (the plucky little thing that won last year's Junior Eurovision (great song, but ugh...the JESC), Rosa (the plucky not so little thing who represented Spain in 2002), David Civera (who represented Spain in 2001 and while not plucky, is indeed little), and Rosario (who I'm thinking is clearly not Shelley Morrison).

He then gives the performers their marching orders to walk down the stairway in the middle of the stage and into what I'm calling the "audience box of doom." There's so much to harp about these contestants that I'm going to save it for when they actually perform, but suffice to say: it's bad, good, trashy, and camp.

Don Carlos then tosses it over to his co-host Ainhoa Arbizu (is she the Ainhoa from Operacion Triunfo?) who is dressed in a gown clearly designed by someone who thinks Ainhoa is a crazy slut. Ainhoa seems sweet, but not entirely there, I believe she actually confirms that last bit in her rapid spiel. Joining Don Carlos and Ainhoa "Celestia" Arbizu, is Patricia Perez who takes her hair tips from Jennifer Lopez and her clothing tips from Teri Hatcher in Soapdish. Oh, this will be fun...I like her.

Patricia then asks "who is Maria Lorente?" I have no idea. She is apparently a sweet little girl who resembles Sara Rue. She'll also be singing Vente p'al sur. Maria is dressed like a chick, as in baby chicken. Oy. The song starts out with a long-haired hippie type rapping and then Maria comes on does the same before singing...poorly. Dear lord these lyrics are bad. From what I can ascertain, this is another one of those tourist board songs about "coming to the sun" and what not. All I can say is that I am happy I have this on DVR. I get to thinking Maria wishes she could fast-forward out of this. She proves my point by screeching at the end.

Ainhoa reminds us that it's the 50th Eurovision Song Contest this year, don'cha know. And jiminy cricket, there are some dire outfits in Eurovision history (including a bizarre leather outfit worn by Ulrika Jonsson in 1998). I'm too visually horrified to pay attention to the deep voiced announcer, but I think he's going for something along the lines of "my god, you people have some horrible wardrobe designers."

Patricia introduces us to Jaster: Spain's amateur version of Alcazar. They will be "performing" Como olvidarte. The members include: Victor, who should be playing his guitar and not cavorting around in a daft hat; Pinar, who lay off the cocaine while teaching aerobics; Jorge, who has big hair and "choreographs"; and Patricia, who shops too much. People you do not have any idea how hilarious this is. It's 90210 meets ABBA.

And this is before they perform. Victor is sporting an all black tank-top and trousers ensemble that shows his dagger tattoo and tinier arms than expected. Patricia is wearing Victoria Beckham black dress #386: lace and bosom enhancement. Jorge goes for butch drag in a sweatshirt and combat trousers (oh honey, don't hide your from inner queen). Pinar is wearing some mini skirt and busty blouse that Tiffany wore in 1986. Don Carlos mentions ABBA and Pinar gives the "don't know-don't care" answer. I pray there is a lot more self-awareness going on here than meets the eye. And then they perform...this is comic gold! It's every 2 male-2 female pop group you've seen but unbelievably out-of-tune and embarrassing. It's also tens times more suggestive (because these people are pushing 40!) which would be sexy, save for the fact that Victor looks like he'd rather do drugs and I can't believe any of these women being genuinely lustful after Jorge. This is better than acid, but if this gets selected for Kiev...well, good that Spain has automatic entry to the final.

Because this is Lewis Carroll's version of a national final, Ainhoa segues into a piece that asks the performers (I am being dead serious here): "Have you voted in the European Constitution elections?" The ladies of Las Supremas laugh, because they know how silly the question is. Maria Lorente says "no." (Now you get terse?) Pinar from Jaster prattles on while the rest of Jaster sits around her and looks pretty...rough. Then the question turns to "the Windsor building fire." I have no clue why this is interesting. And apparently neither does the control room, because we hear a Suprema say a phrase and we're back to Don Carlos.

Don Carlos tosses over to Patricia who introduces us to Las Supremas de Mostoles, a trio of Phyllis Diller-esque housewives with a brilliant song entitled Eres un enfermo (I believe that translates as "you're a sicko"). I love them already. The deep voiced announcer man does his job where we see that these are Spain's own Desperate Housewives via Roseanne and peroxide. Again, this is all before they perform...and what are they dressed in? Well, Phyllis Diller outfits and wigs circa 1974 in sparkling grey, black, and red.

Oh my lord, this is cracking me up! The song is as funny as the title implies and catchy as hell. I can't really make out the exact lyrics but I think they are basically one long housewives' flamenco-tinged musical rant against husbands who spend their time looking at internet porn. How badly I want this to win. Interestingly enough, Las Supremas manage to be the only entrants to stay on pitch and on key. (Jaster and Maria, the comedy act is kicking your butt vocally.)

Because Las Supremas brought it, and the rest of the acts are now cowering, there's a commercial break.

When we get back, Don Carlos is clearly having a good time...because he gets Patricia and Ainhoa to do all his work. Speaking of which, Patricia introduces Maria Isabel, but Don Carlos walks her down the steps. She's too young for psychedelic drugs, you know. Maria Isabel is dressed much more conservatively than her JESC appearance, which clearly came from the JonBenet Ramsey-style of dressing. Don Carlos gives her the JESC award, which, wouldn't she have that already? It was last autumn.

But it's not all about Maria Isabel, but Lanco, who are your standard Spanish-language rock band. They like soccer and aren't too keen on wearing colours other than black off the pitch. The camera switches to a group of fan girls with "Lanco" t-shirts. They are deluded (both Lanco and their "fans"). Lanco will be favouring us with the song nada para ti, nada para mí. The lead singer, who looks like Donny Osmond, does several spastic movements before singing. I can't really be catty about them, because they perform it decently (and close to on-key) and it's upbeat rock, but it's still not as good as Las Supremas. In fact it's all quite Matchbox 20 in Spanish.

Patricia, her breasts, and her fishnet stockings talk to A-Crew who will being singing the hip-hop boyband flavoured El Swatch. I wish I understood Spanish better because I'd love to know what could be so interesting about a watch. A-Crew manage the easy feat of being the most handsome men to grace the stage so far (even the one with dread locks). One of the members (Austin?) looks like Kevin Federline, while another looks like Q-Tip, and another looks like Abs Breen of 5ive fame. (Why do I know things like this?) They are all wearing Pony brand zipper fleeces, read into that what you will. And what is the performance like? 5ive as a quartet. Mr. Spears proves himself as a decent singer, Abs not so much. Q-Tip and the other one don't sing at all, but instead pull off some pretty fierce choreography. Yes, I said fierce because Q-Tip pulled the infamous "don't mess with me, Queen" face that only queens can do. Oh how I love you, Spanish Semi-Final. Actually, the song is not too bad and the eye-candy/crotch vote would work in their favour over actual singing talent. I now get the sex appeal of Kevin Federline.

A-Crew weren't as acid induced as this final would like, so it's time to ask more serious questions to people whose opinion you didn't need to know. This time around the subject is the Kyoto Treaty. Yes, we are asking performers in a Eurovision national final about the Kyoto Protocol. A-Crew laughs (I love you, Spanish Kevin Federline) at the inanity of it all. The lead singer of Lanco gives the smug artist answer. How appropriate for both parties.

As Patricia, high on something, segues into the introduction for Enzo, I realise just how many rainbow motifs there are on the set. They are going for gay camp overload here, which means Las Supremas are probably going to take it. (Hallelujah!) And who is Enzo? He's your floppy haired musician type who people inexplicably find attractive. He thinks Quién dirá is what we'd like as a Eurovision entry. I think he shouldn't wear tight shirts until he can work on his belly. His song...not so bad. It's bland upbeat pop that Clay Aiken would do to prove that he can sing a rock song. Enzo's voice is another matter. It's as rough as sandpaper on glass.

Want proof that Patricia is high? She's bouncing happily in the background to this. I realise that I already love Spain for being a ballad-free zone so far. Will that change after the commercial break?

When we get back, Patricia embarrasses Katherina by announces that it's her birthday and forcing the crowd to sing their well-wishes. If Katherina got embarrassed by that, then what is she doing singing a song called Boca loca? I am confused, because the deep voice and the accompanied footage make you seem like a unassuming young woman from Barcelona. Then again, you are wearing some weird red and white poncho with holes in it, as well as miniscule maroon shorts, so perhaps you're like one of those people who are A students in the day and hookers at night?

Boca loca is a pleasant, tranquil samba song. Katherina and her legs promise some Lena Ph action, but she never seems to break out into the true freak that you sense she wants to be. Oh, and she's flat vocally too. I spend the remainder of the entry thinking lewd thoughts about her backing singer/guitarist who looks a bit Joe Murena who got booted off this week. Anyway...yawn.

Ainhoa, who is actually coming across as more demure than Patricia now, introduces another segment on Eurovision history, to be specific Spanish Eurovision history. Spain started its Eurovision journey with: an Ethel Merman clone in 1961, followed it up with the stiff-shouldered (but winning) Massiel in 1968, another winner (albeit shared with three other countries) with Diana Ross-as-Salome in 1969, bizarrely did not win in 1970 with then justifiably-sexy Julio Iglesias (literally, Julio Iglesias sang in Eurovision, it's true), many piss-poor imitators followed in the 1970's...could it be argued that the end of Franco meant the start of bad hair and campy male performances?

History lesson over, it's time to leer at Patricia. At least that's what the camera operator does. Patricia and her drugs introduce us to Pierre 'n Sue, who is indeed one person. He's male, in fact quite a good looking male at that. So I'm guessing Sue is his caustic female persona? (My first play was about that very same thing. Pierre would fit in perfectly in the role of the meek college student terrorised by his feminine side.) Pierre is sex on legs in his nearly open shirt (just enough to get the juices flowing) and tight jeans. Shame then that he's singing Quizás mejor así. Why? It's a bland r'n'b ballad. (Ooh, how appropriate.) I'd rather see Pierre and his male backing singer do porn than listen to this. Pierre's saving grace--other than his looks--he's on-key. Strangely enough, I reckon that if this does get the ticket to Kiev, then Spain could do very well: Sex appeal + ballad = televotes. Not from me, though.

It's stupid question time again! This time the victims are Katherina, Pierre, and Son de Sol. They have a good subject though: "piracy." The ladies from Son de Sol snicker, so we know they've been downloading illegally. Pierre looks serious and sexy. (Honestly, I have never felt this lustful towards another man in my life. It's true it just takes the right person.) Then it's about the "Beckham phenomenon." Katherina sticks her tongue out and says she doesn't like David Beckham. (Smart thing to do when you're trying to get Madrid to vote for you.) A voice of sun doesn't like him either. I guess they can be this risky when they know Las Supremas are going to win it!

Patricia, her drugs, and her deep voiced announcer give us a snippet of who are Son de Sol. Not much is revealed except that these "girls" come across as a serious version of Las Supremas, the Second Wives Club, perhaps? They will be "entertaining" us with Brujería, which I think translates as witchcraft. Only witchcraft could explain their outfits: pink, baby blue, and yellow crop tops, dark long dresses with pink, baby blue, and yellow fringe, topped up with big, pageant-quality hair. There is a cheer for Son de Sol in the audience. I think the fan base between Son de Sol aficionados and masochism must be mutually exclusive.

They are a serious version of Las Supremas. There's a lot of similarity in the way they sound and the music. (Not plagiarism, just similar style.) Not bad, but not as fun as Las Supremas. Just peppy latin pop, not helped by the embarrassing backing dancers and the loud, off-key male backing singer. Said fool comes marching up towards the end for a totally unneeded bridge.

Don Carlos promises us Rosa and Maria Isabel after the commercial break. What do we get instead? Felipe Conde, who is a better looking version of Enzo. Echo de menos, however, is a ballad and therefore, I now like Enzo better than Felipe, because Enzo went upbeat at least. Felipe has his fan girls who cheer so much that Don Carlos tells them to shut it. I wish he had told Felipe to shut it instead, because this is officially the most boring song in this wacky final, which I did not think was even possible.

Thank god for coked out Patricia, who introduces Gema Castaño who will be singing Santo Job (a song about Job? Why? Who wants to hear about starving turkeys?) Gema seems like your quiet, pleasant radio/tv host and what have you, but can we trust that? I think not.

Gema is wearing a dress that has clearly been through a shredder and back. She's also sporting pageant hair, which is extremely tacky if you're singing about Job! It's probably inappropriate to have big brassy introductions and a catchy dance/samba beat to a song about Job, but it's all here. Gema instantly reminds me of Eva Santamaria who sang "Hombres" for Spain back in 1993. I liked that, I liked this. It's so deliciously sacrilegious.

So with ten songs now performed, my personal top 3 goes like this:

1. Las Supremas
2. Gema
3. A-Crew

Acid-induced question time! On the chopping block are Felipe, Gema, and Yulia. And the subject is "El Quijote." As in Don Quixote? Why on Earth do I want to hear Felipe Conde bore me to death with quotes about an old deranged romantic? He gives a stunned response. (Must preen now!) Gema rocks it by coming across as not caring at all. Next question: "How to improve Ronaldo's punctuality?" Again, why do we care about a soccer player being late? Gema gives a mock dramatic answer, punctuated by a "Dios!" Felipe...still stunned. (Boy, these aren't tough questions, use less hair spray.) Yulia looks like a cheap Italian porn star and she probably gave the Italian porn star's answer to that question.

However Yulia is not a cheap Italian porn star. She's a cheap Ukrainian one, which makes her appearance in a Spanish final...oddly a good fit. (Seriously, the producers at TVE must be doing tina.) Patricia gets tongue-tied and enlists Don Carlos's help, and...yes, Don Carlos you are not bad looking. You're no hunk, but I'd do you...once.

Good god, Yulia, is that an appropriate way to dress for singing Arriba el mundo? I think not. Yulia has frizzed 1984 hair, a knock-off Madonna bustier from the Blonde Ambition tour, black hot pants, and a gold coin belt. Don Carlos asks her how she feels about singing for Spain. Yulia goes for the pageant show answer: "I love the passion of Spain and blah blah blah."

Wow...this is so corny and tacky that it's almost good. Yulia can't sing to save her soul and the way they are compensating seems to be to emphasise her hips and abdomen. I'd rather see the hips and abdomen of the lanky male backing singer she has. The woman even walks off the stage and back into the box like a streetwalker.

Don Carlos, Patricia, and Ainhoa appear together to say that the courtesy of the drugs, you just saw 12 acts in 83 minutes, never mind that each song was under 3 minutes. Don Carlos keeps on trying to tell us to calm down so he can do the recap.

And what does the recap say:

• Maria Lorente: Baby chick with a flat voice and uncanny resemblance to Nia Vardalos.
• Jaster: The Will & Grace & Jack & Karen entry. Hey, Jorge = Jack.
• Las Supremas: They rocked. The Phyllis Dillers even get a cheer from the crowd from the recap! Oh, how I hope this comes true.
• Lanco: Matchbox Vente
• A-Crew: Another huge cheer. (Wow, I'm usually out-of-sync with the general consensus.) Kevin Federline's Spanish twin is still hot. Spanish Abs can't sing. Miss Thang and the other one serve it up.
• Enzo: Still needs to work on his paunch.
• Katherina: Oddly classy, but look at who proceeded her.
• Pierre 'n Sue: Drop the song, bring the backing singer, get naked, and we'll take several photos to commorate the occasion.
• Son de Sol: Who knew that the sound of the sun looked like Expose' (now, not in their heydays)?
• Felipe Conde: Gets a big cheer from his ill-fated fan girls. Still bores me. He ain't no Pierre nor no Sue, nor no Spanish Kevin Federline.
• Gema: Brings it. The repressed tv/radio host was just a facade waiting to crack.
• Yulia: Cheap 1980's porn star.

Guess what? There's an evil twist. We won't find out who made it to the final until the final starts tomorrow. Don Carlos won't tell us that though. Otherwise we won't stick through the commercial break and see Rosa, Maria Isabel, Rosario, and David Civera.

After the break, Carlos gives another recap for voting purposes. Is Spain suffering through an ADD crisis? More cheers for Las Supremas, A-Crew, Katherina, Pierre, Son de Sol, and Felipe. I fear for Gema.

Patricia and Don Carlos take forever to introduce Maria Isabel. She is not performing her JESC winner. Instead she sings a song which I believe translates as "don't touch me with the hands that you know." Honestly, it's weird enough to see a pre-teen sing flamenco. I'll say this, this girl is a spitfire of energy.

Ainhoa gives us another Eurovision highlight reel: We see Dana International, Lydia (I'm surprised they'd mention her colossal failure in 1999), Yulia Savicheva (good song, poor singer, bizarre stage performance), Peret (Spain's major failure in 1974: aka ABBA dominates the world: Year 1). It ends so quickly that Don Carlos is caught off-guard. I think it's just his schtick.

He tosses over to Patricia who interviews Gema (regal), Yulia (slutty), Felipe (unrepsonsive). Patricia tosses over to Ainhoa, who introduces us to Ukraine. Did you know that Kiev was the capital of Ukraine?

Don Carlos introduces Sergio Dalma, who we all know now is uncircumcised. We also now know that he hasn't changed his hair since 1991. He sings his top 5 Eurovision entry, proving once again that the Spanish male ballad and Eurovision have long since departed. Dull.

Ainhoa gives us more Eurovision highlights, this time focusing on the stars to appeared in Eurovision. Included: Domenico Modugno (rightfully so), Sandie Shaw, Gigiola Cinquetti, Julio Iglesias, Mocedades (that's where "Eres Tu" really comes from, my countrymen), Cliff Richard, Olivia Newton John (during ABBA: Year 1 no less), ABBA (duh), Celine Dion (and she won it too), and David Civera (tenuous definition of "star").

Don Carlos shows us some blind results. Someone is in the lead with 21.4 points, prompting the crowd to yell out "SU-PRE-MAS." I totally concur.

After the commercial break, can you believe it, but Don Carlos does another recap. Boy, TVE loves to fill their shows just as much as Fox does. Eventually he brings out Rosa. Crowd goes appropriately wild. She sings, and her new song "Destino" is very much in the Kylie Minogue vein. Rosa has morphed into Cher.

Patricia harasses the performers in the box. Honestly, let them go, it's just torture to keep them there longer. She eventually stops hounding them about "who will win," by seguing into clips from the performers already chosen for 2005. Ooh, this'll be fun, considering I've only seen Omar (grr).

• Cyprus: Constantinos wants to be Sakis Rouvas, but is too skinny and looks like Dustin Hoffman in Midnight Cowboy while thrusting his hips. I'd sleep with him, nonetheless. I'd like to look back on my life and say, I had sex with a Cypriot Eurovision entrant.
• The Netherlands: Glennis looks like Mel B. but sings closer to Toni Braxton. I actually have no issue with this song now, because it's big, powerful, and has the lyric "my gauntlet has been thrown." I like the ballads on occasion. Glennis does sound like the precocious girl getting the big belter at church at some points.

And now we are inflicted with David Civera who is still short and now looks like a used-car salesman. His new tango-influenced dance pop song doesn't help matters much. It also goes on way-too-long.

After David finally goes away. Ainhoa introduces more confirmed entrants for Kiev:

• Slovenia: He-who-beat-Alya-Nusa-Sasa and many other better entrants at EMA 2005. On a television, the song is still unimpressive. Omar has spiky hair, looks like he works at a mechanic's shop, and gazes vacantly while singing. Meanwhile, a woman sings "ahh" nonstop at as high a register a person can muster for 3 minutes. I hope Alya beat this guy up.
• Estonia: Those Suntribe girls have got the strongest accents in the wrong song to have them. They're also off-key and meekily do their choreography. Nonetheless, they're miles better than "Stop."

Don Carlos teases us again with more blind results. We're onto his trick now as is Patricia (and if she's onto it, then you're screwed). He senses it too, and does another recap. Interesting thing I noted during the recap is that Patricia joined along (in the background) with Las Supremas. She's an easy-to-please woman, our Patty.

Finally, because he knows that a riot is about to break out. Don Carlos brings out Rosario, who slips on her way to the microphone. Rosario looks like a drag queen, which blends in perfectly with this manic final.

And how appropriate is that ending?