Some psychic once told me I had Liberace's hands: The Melodifestivalen 2005 Retrospective

Before things kick into high gear tonight (well it'll be 2 PM for me, but let's just pretend that 6 hour time difference doesn't exist) with the final for Melodifestivalen, let us take a look back at some of the highlights and low-lights that have been this MF 32 song odyssey. (Wow, I'm going to miss being able to write "MF" and it necessarily being a curse word.)

• Semi-Final 1: Those crazy kids in Gothenburg

It all started with Alcazar and their not too hard-to-forget number "Alcastar." (Makes it pretty damn easy to remember who performed that one.) Despite the rumour mill saying that the MF was trying to de-gay (or at least broaden the appeal) the contestants, this original two-queens-and-two-princesses group got into the 2nd chance round (which they subsequently won). We got introduced to the obligatory urban music slot (you could read "black" but later semi-finals would have multiple black contestants) which was the kiss of death for all those who performed in it. Also in Gothenburg, we had Linda Bengtzing marching around in deranged fashion wearing a Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band jacket, and Shirley Clamp and her Ethel Merman dress and massive cleavage. (Listen, she's mentioned it herself. I wasn't looking for them.) Nordman and Shirley go to the final and The Wallstones thankfully do not. (I still have nightmares about them.)

• Semi-Final 2: Let's offend them in Linköping

Sometimes I think my computer and/or my cable modem have a conscience. Why? Because the internet feed which was absolutely perfect the previous week was dire this one. Don't ask me why more people wanted to see this lot than wanted to see Alcazar and Shirley Clamp the week before. The only reason I can ascertain is the presence of Sanne Salomonsen. Anyway, the reason I believe that these electronic objects have a conscience is because the presenters Erik Haag (yes, you are one) and Henrik Schyffert (I'm certain Schyffert could be offensive in some language) thought it was funny to dress up in traditional Cherokee dress and mumble to the audience. (Because all Native American languages are incomprehensible...Ha ha.) Only slightly worse, was the reappearance of the sodding Olsen Brothers fresh from their 2nd place showing at the Danish final with some daft song about a yellow radio. (Unfortunately, said little radio was not dropped in a tub with an Olsen brother in it.) But MF Semi-Final 2 wasn't just about offensive stereotypes and decrepit Danes. It also featured the bizarre last placed showing of the truly regal Arja Saijonmaa, and the inexplicable wild-card placing of Josefin "Mamie Van Doren" Nilsson and Cameron "do a porn film and stop speaking your made-up language" Cartio.

• Semi-Final 3: Skellefteå - It's not just for scaring the living daylights out of you anymore

I missed this one when it first aired, so I've had to play catch-up with the videos as provided on SVT's wonderful website. It's nice to have one's guesses confirmed. NaNa is indeed Sweden's answer to Martha Wash and should've walked this semi over tiny ambiguously gendered Jimmy Jansson. (Unfortunately, the opposite happened.) Kwanzaa took their name from a well-intentioned but poorly executed holiday and morphed it into a poorly executed performance featuring a slang word that I have never heard before. K2 looked cool, but sounded daft (and why-oh-why is Alannah Myles singing with them?) . Jessica Folcker did a so-so performance of a so-so song and got 6th. And finally, for some perverse reason known only to the Swedish televoting public, Martin Stenmarck and his Las Vegas tourist board anthem go to the final. (The reports have Martin recovering from the flu, which is a double-edged sword for me, because: a) I want this song to fail miserably; b) I'm afraid this'll bring out the sympathy vote. Nonetheless, unless Martin goes all-Liberace on us, this will be bo-o-ring.)

• Semi-Final 4: Växjö is trying to break your heart

Probably the best semi-final line up so far. It starts out with hippie-art teacher Anne-Lie Rydé with an upbeat schlager song as performed on a chaise-lounge. (Had this song been in any other semi-final other than this one, I would be shocked that it only got 5th place.) She followed by B-Boys International featuring Paul M, performing the only decent urban song that MF has yielded this year. (Having now seen the performance, I'm guessing Paul M is the tiny black man who sang over the chorus. Not to be terribly offensive, but those white boys in B-Boys International are pretty decent rappers period.) Then things get really weird, as in Cirque-du-Soleil-on-LSD weird. How else can you explain Rickard Engfors and Katarina Fallholm? When all I was operating on was a picture and the song, I could not get past the "I'm such a lust magnet" lyrics coming out of a rail-thin, somewhat geeky man. Now that I've seen it, I get that it's all comical and surreal, and I like it. It had a snowball's chance in hell of even making it to the 2nd Chance round, but I do like it. A considerably more controlled blend of creativity came with Nanne Grönvall, who performs the living daylights out of "Håll om mig" while accompanied onstage by two relatively handsome guitarists, two energetic Sanne Salomonsen clones, and a woman playing the drums whilst wearing Karolina Gocheva's famed dress from 2002. Nanne makes this all work perfectly. (The lady did "Avundsjuk," ok? She's a master.) In fact, she's dressed in a Lena Ph dress that shows off her legs excellently. No surprise that she's the one to beat for the final.

(A suggestion to SVT: If you could get Nanne, Lena, and Tina Turner to perform together onstage, you would have a blockbuster programme. Heck, if you really wanted to win, you'll get them all together for an entry.)