Secondly, I'm coming into this final late. (I couldn't be here to watch it, so I had to watch it via my DVR. Unfortunately Time Warner and TVE International are having a spat, and TVE won't tell Time Warner what is on when so what I'm watching is just called "Especial" and starts midway through the actual final.)
So what I see is Don Carlos and Patty "Paula Abdul" Perez (who looks she is now taking all her tips from Jennifer Lopez) prattling on about the semi. Patty is still drugged up and has unbelievably stiff shoulders...mostly likely due to her hair threatening to collapse. They bring on Ainhoa, who will be playing Farrah Fawcett tonight...feathered hair and all. TVE's wardrobe designers still hate her, so they've given her only one strap to hold up her dress.
Don Carlos gives us another recap before we start the weeding out. I notice that he has on an Iglesias-esque necklace. Oh Charlie, I'll give you some, but please start dressing your age. It's embarassing for the Iglesiases and it's embarassing for you.
Anyway:
- Maria Lorente: Still looks like Nia Vardalos. Still singing through her nose. Still sucks.
- Jaster: As camp as a Joan Crawford marathon in Chueca. Alcazar eats groups like this for breakfast.
- Las Supremas: (Sigh) Heavenly. Why doesn't the UK send something like this? I'm certain there's a group of bitter British housewives out there just chomping at the bit to belt out a good rant like this. Las Supremas rule my world. You're the real winners, you divas you.
- Lanco: Matchbox Twenty with added involuntary muscle spasms.
- A Crew: Kevin Federline's Spanish twin remains as hot and on-key as ever. Abs's Spanish twin still out of his limit. Dancers still looking like they want to say "don't mess with me, puta."
- Enzo: Stop shouting and actually sing.
- Katherina: You were embarassed by the crowd singing happy birthday? What about that hippie-poncho-and-hot-pants outfit? What about the million dirty jokes that can be made with a song with the title "crazy mouth?" Get some perspective, lady.
- Pierre 'N sue: I repeat, dump the song, get naked, and do a porn with your backing singer.
- Son del Sol: Hags. Trashy hags, and not even comically trashy like Las Supremas.
- Felipe Conde: Go back to your telenovela.
- Gema: Yes, m'dear, you still rock. A diamond in the rough, although I truly wish I understood Spanish enough to figure out why you're singing about Job.
- Yulia: Trashy whore. Seriously. I have seen hookers wear that type of outfit on 9th Avenue.
(Brace yourselves, the venom will be running hot tonight.)
Don Carlos-Iglesias tells the audience to shut it while he gives out the names of the six performers who won't proceed to the final. The camera goes to a shot of a nervous Patty in the box of doom. I think she's on her come-down from E. Yulia holds onto Lanco's lead singer like a complete fame-whore. The audience eventually shuts it. Don Carlos-Iglesias finally gets around to giving the list after the longest list of qualifiers ("the entries not chosen to go to the final as decided by the Spanish public..."). And they are:
- Jaster: Because Sweden is going to pick Alcazar and you don't want to split the 2 gay males-2 fag hag vote.
- Gema: Evil! Just flat out evil. Gema gives Don Carlos a hug. Grace in defeat.
- Katherina: She gives Don Carlos a kiss. Shame she didn't get through, she was actually dressed like a normal person tonight.
- Pierre 'N sue: Believe me when I tell you to do the porn. Pierre has an extended hug with Kevin Federline from A Crew. Be still my aching loins. He also has pretty long kisses and hugs with Felipe Conde, Yulia (eww!), Patty, and Maria. Pierre, you are a slut. I love you, especially when you are dressed in a tight shirt and jeans.
- A Crew: For some odd reason they clap for themselves getting eliminated. Kevin Federline gets a long hug from Felipe Conde. Sr. Kevin is also wearing a sleeveless shirt. How dare you deny me the lust-filled sight of seeing him perform dressed like that?!
- Maria Lorente: I may be hearing this wrong, but I swear there's a group of girls yelling "puerca, puerca" upon hearing that Maria is out of the running. Oy, she's not fat, she's just untalented. I may very well be wrong since the crowd then starts yelling "MA-RI-A, MA-RI-A" until Don Carlos tells them to shut it.
The flip side of this means that we still unfortunately have Lanco, Enzo, Yulia, and Son del Sol. Happily though, this means Las Supremas are still in. By the way, having all the eliminated contestants stand up onstage while the finalists are in the Box of Doom, seems perversely cruel. Has TVE been watching American Idol? If so, they should know that the producers have been reamed for the cruelty of the elimination programmes. Not a good example to follow.
The American Idol simularities continue as Don Carlos introduces a clip reel similiar to American Idol's "we-know-you're-not-dying-but-we'll-put-on-music-that-makes-it-seem-like-it" clip reel for eliminated contestants. Geez, when did this show switch from uppers to downers? The sad music is quite hilarious during the A Crew clip where one of the dancers does his "don't mess with me, puta" look.
It's up to Patty and her club drugs to perk up the mood as she points out the finalists in the Box of Doom. She does a good job of doing so. Patty's got the good stuff tonight, not the over-the-counter fakes.
Guess what? We have a special guest and it's Paulina Rubio. She just comes a-struttin' down the stairs like it's an Italian variety show circa 1987. Her high-class-hooker dress only accents that fact. Oh my god, there are bubbles being blown in the background. It is at this point that realise that she's singing some ridiculously dated ballad called "Mia" that would (shock) not be out of place on an Italian variety show circa 1987.
Don Carlos leeches over Paulina during her post-performance interview. He feigns interest while staring at her clevage. Charlie, we know you're just acting.
After the commercials, Don Carlos does his umpteenth yelling of "Te deum." I'm sick of it and so is the crowd so they yell it back at him, leaving a very perplexed Don Carlos onstage. He tells them to shut it, because he's the STAR! Also because he has to give the numbers to vote for the finalists, but mainly because he's vain and he thinks this national final is about him. I think Carly Simon wrote "you're so vain" about Don Carlos, aging second-rate pretty boy.
Patty's drugs kick into high gear as she interviews Las Supremas from the Box of Doom. We then see their little postcard video. It's cute and comical. I'd love to know what the residents of Mostoles (at least I think it's Mostoles) think of seeing three middle aged women with peroxide hair singing "you're a sicko" in the middle of a town square. We see their husbands. They look like middle-ranking policemen. One of them is as dead as box of nails on camera.
And would you believe it? They actually get around to performing. The ladies are even better than last night. They manage the very enviable trick of making a lyric like "I'll make you eat your fucking monitor" come across as classy. The crowd goes wild as do I.
Patty then starts harassing Lanco, and I'm confused. Is Lanco the band or just the overly emotional Donny Osmond lookalike fronting it? Lanco's postcard then starts up and I'm still confused since we meet the band, but Donny Osmond keeps referring to himself as "Lanco." If I actually cared about him, I'd give this more thought. I don't, however, and I'd be quite happy to see his Eurovision dreams smashed.
Don Carlos then harasses Lanco before unfortunately allowing him to perform. (Charlie, you're so pan-sexual.) Lanco is wearing a nearly floor-length coat, so his spastic movements don't come across as silly as they did yesterday. I will just pint out one thing: the crowd liked Las Supremas a lot more than this bland dreck. Lanco whips off the coat towards the end, but only the fan girls are excited.
Don Carlos gives us the numbers again over a funky version of "Te Deum." Everybody goes crazy for Las Supremas. The fan girls lose it for Lanco and Enzo. Oh, how deluded thou art. Nobody screams for Son del Sol, Felipe, or Yulia. Explain the result, then, people. Explain!
And we're back to Patty, who isn't freaking out at the near medical close-up that she is getting from the camera. (The drugs do work.) She reintroduces us to Enzo. What do we learn from Enzo's postcard? He is very boring...very boring. He's got a boring family, boring friends, boring hobbies, boring hair, and...zzzz.
Happily though, Enzo does at least manage to add some much needed life to his song. In fact, I think he's kind of angry in the smiling-while-I-curse-you way. Unfortunately, he's still off-key, and the song still sounds like something from a teenage soap opera. In fact, I think Enzo should go try out the teenage soap operas. The boy needs to get out of his dull existence (and off my television).
After the commercials and Don Carlos's juvenile jumping around (Charlie, are you dipping into Patty's pills?) we're introduced to more confirmed winners being shipped off to Kiev:
- Bulgaria: The song still has some of the most dumbest lyrics ever, and the lead singer looks stunned. (Then again, the Bulgarian national final wasn't too pleasant for many of the participants with all the threats of violence and non-singing singers.) Visually, it's what you would imagine the Bulgarian entry would look like: a flashback to 1991.
- Denmark: Wow, Jakob comes across as tweaked out as Deen did last year. The only difference is that the thought of Jakob prancing around half-naked is even worse than seeing Deen do it.
Patty, however, is tweaking and doesn't care who knows it. She introduces us to the clip video for Son del Sol (Hags!). If I didn't know ahead of time that these witches won this thing over Las Supremas, then I'd be happy to have them in the final. Unfortunately for them, I do. So who are these Andalucian women claiming to speak for the sun? Esperanca, Lola, and Sole. Ladies, are you even trying to make yourselves come across as real people instead of spoiled trophy wives? We see them arrogantly lead a flamenco dance off. I know you have to perform flamenco with a "pissed off" face but really, lose the attitude. Highlight of the postcard: a grandmother pulling off an impressive bit of flamenco. These suns-of-bitches (sorry, I just had to say it) talk about conquering the world, or maybe just Italy and Miami. Again, how deluded thou art.
Ugh. The crowd starts yelling that infernal "ole-ole-ole" chant as the trophy wives wave pageant queen-like from the stage. They are dressed inherently better tonight. (See, I can say nice things about Son del Sol.) Tonight's curtains-turned-into-dresses are better than the pirate outfits they had on. Don Carlos leches over them, which makes it all the more unsettling as they give their thanks to their families (who happen to be in the audience--ah, so there are tons of Andalucians in the crowd, now I get it).
The singing however has not improved and they still have the loud idiot "singing" backup. I would be the first person to admit that I know nothing about Andalucian singing, but I have trouble believing that it is: a) supposed to be off-key; and b) shouted. Look at Remedios Amaya in 1983, she sang flamenco and gave a kick-ass performance while strangling her vowels within an inch of their lives. (Just for clarification purposes: I'm in the group that believes it should have scored far higher than zero.) These wilting flowers, however, don't have even a half of a quarter of an ounce of what she had.
Oh lord, the big idiot doing backup is not only ruining the "song," but he's also hurting my eyes by sporting a huge feather earring. The insipid background dancers are still there, but they've been there for nearly all the songs and are just at their tackiest during this performance. Moral of this story: Do not underestimate the power of Andalucian televoters.
Don Carlos yet again tells the crowd to shut it, then works them up again by asking how they want to win. Las Supremas? Loud cheer. Yulia? Moderate cheer. Felipe Conde? Tiny cheer. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.) Evil witches proclaiming to speak for the Sun? Loud cheer. (Damn.)
Patty and her wild hand gesticulations introduce the postcard for Felipe Conde. He's a loner, this one. We meet his father, who looks like an old hippie. His mother, however, looks like a top-level executive. Yikes, that must've been a fun house to grow up in. (Not!) The rest of his friends and family can muster no emotion to support Felipe. Oh, this is a real surprise: His favourite past time after music is soccer/football. My wish to see him hit with a fast ball sadly does not come to pass.
Ooh! Don Carlos is nervous around Felipe. (I knew it! Felipe had to have provided some sort of sexual favour to get this far. Remember, he was originally a backup entry.) Don Carlos + Felipe = Lovers forever.
Felipe performs and I don't care. In fact, the most interesting thing about it is when they go to the Box of Doom to see Yulia and Lanco flirting (Lanco, do you have any idea how many people she has been with?) and Las Supremas and Son del Sol trying to act interested in the song by swaying back and forth. Honestly, you ladies do not have to be kind to Felipe. In fact, I think he likes it when you're nasty to him.
Felipe finally over, Ainhoa comes back onstage to give a nice and respectful speech about a recently deceased presenter, whose name, sadly, I cannot make out. This segues into a sweet and funny clip show of Eurovision interview bloopers from the 1971 contest. A particularly hilarious bit is an interview with Clodagh Rogers while both are standing on stools.
Back in the final inspired by drug experiences from 1971: We see Yulia's postcard. Yulia likes to work out a lot. She loves to salsa with random beanie-wearing men. She loves Spain (even though she's from Russia, and not Ukraine as I incorrectly translated last night). She loves her motley crew of "friends." (Apparently that is the new way to describe your fellow whores and pimps.) Some strait-laced man (and probably a former client) praises Yulia's singing. (Yeah, uh huh, she's a good singer...and this has nothing to do with the money that changed hands prior to this interview?) A big goateed burly man (aka Yulia's pimp/manager) calls her "an artist" while making sure to mention that Yulia is sexy. An adoring fellow hooker looks on with a glazed expression while Pimp Daddy lies to the camera. Another beanie wearing man/client says that Yulia is "stupendous." (I'd say "stupid," but that's just me.) He adds that she'd do well in Kiev. He kindly forgets to mention that she would do well in Kiev IF: she wasn't singing this song; she wasn't in a contest with the vastly superior Las Supremas; she didn't dress like a cheap Russian porn star.
Yulia is dressed in gold hooker wear tonight. It is only a slight improvement from the 1980's hooker wear from the semi. Her "singing" is slightly improved, but it's like putting a band-aid over a severed limb. The backing dancers are still there and still horrifying, as is Yulia's busom and booty shaking. The lyrics are pretty dire, because I can tell you that "America" will not dance to this rhythm as the song suggests. For some inexplicable reason, there is a "YU-LI-A" cheer from the crowd. I suspect these are the same people who cheered "MA-RI-A" earlier and still have it in their system.
Don Carlos comes back with the obvious news that we have now heard all the finalists for Eurovision in Kiev, Ukraine. (Charlie, I think you underestimate the Spanish public. I'm pretty certain they know Kiev isn't in Galicia.) We then begin the recap and everything that I wrote earlier still applies. In fact, Yulia looks even more trampy the third time around.
After commercials (we get trailers here on TVE International), Don Carlos and Ainhoa introduce another clip reel of Eurovision history. It's all about women and bad hair. It's also over in two seconds.
Don Carlos introduces Marta Sanchez who looks like a cheap 1995 Madonna imitator. That being said, her song is quite catchy and makes me nostalgic for the early 1990's. The nineties nostalgia is further enhanced by having backing dancers dressed in skin tight performance artist black. Can we have her in the final instead of Yulia, Enzo, Lanco, Felipe Conde, and Son del Sol? I'd still vote for Las Supremas, but it would be more difficult. By the way, Marta is lip-syncing. (HAHAHAHAHA)
Don Carlos then gives us some blind results. He's such a tease. Someone has 25.1%, another has 23%, another has 16.1 %, followed by 13.3%, 12.6%, and some poor soul with only 9.9%. He tosses over to Patty, who harasses the Box of Doom by speaking in a higher voice than an adult woman should use. She's also morphed from Jennifer Lopez into Irene Cara.
Then we do get a real treat. Don Carlos brings on some bona-fide Spanish Eurovision all-stars: Karina (who is too perky for a woman of her age), Micky (well, Julio Iglesias is still copping an attitude about singing for Spain in 1970), and Azucar Moreno (who are not having backing track problems). Karina and Patty must be getting their stuff from the same dealer, because Karina is flying high on something chemical. Micky is on something too. Conversely, Azucar Moreno are absolutely regal when Don Carlos comes around to harass them.
The weirdness is punctuated by "special musical guest" Francisco singing "My Way" in Spanish. Francisco is what Don Carlos would look like if he actually relaxed: stately and swarthy. As much as I hate ballads, I have to say that Francisco performs the living daylights out of it. (Arguably even better than Frank Sinatra.)
Patty Cara harasses Felipe and makes him jumpy. (He likes the men, Patty. Didn't you see Don Carlos get all schoolgirl-like with him earlier?) Her vixen-like ways have no effect on Enzo. Las Supremas seem to laughing at her.
Ainhoa then comes on and says that she doesn't know about Patty, but she's calm. (Lady, what have you done all night other than introduce clips? Of course you're calm!) She has more confirmed participants for Kiev:
- Finland: Geir is dull. His song is old. His butt is big. His shirt has annoying sparkles on it. His hair is bad. Shall I continue?
- Russia: (Sigh.) All my previous complaints about this grammatically incorrect song still apply. If someone wrote a song with grammatically poor Russian in it, I bet the Russians would be pissed as well. Stellar performance though.
We then go into the audience where Patty molests the contestants' families. Lanco's fan girls are for once tranquil. How telling.
Don Carlos and Ainhoa reappear to tease us about the results. But first, let's see a movie about stripping in the Eurovision, shall we? It actually is quite informative inasmuch as seeing Danijela throwing off her cloak, Doris throwing off her cloak, Sakis Rouvas throwing off his jacket, and Deen thrusting his way through "In the Disco" can be informative.
Don Carlos comes back, promising us that he has the results. (Oh Charlie, it's the lying that hurts most of all.) But first, Paulina Rubio performs. She's changed her look from late 1980's Italian variety show to early 1990's rock club. Perhaps by Autumn, she'll actually be wearing something from 2005? Paulina's song is a decent Shakira knock-off. I'd pay more attention, except I'm getting pissed that we haven't had the results yet. (And I already know what they are! I just want to see in what sadistic way they give them.)
After Paulina, Patty tries to quell the riot in the crowd by showing some clips of celebrities speaking in funny voices. Further proof that Patty is crying out to be sent off to rehab.
Don Carlos shows us the blind results again and says he is going to reveal the top 3. (I'm thinking of filing for divorce from you, Charlie. You lie too much. I can take the cheating, but this deception is beyond my limits.) Surprisingly, he does actually get around to saying the results after a whole bunch of qualifiers and a nod to the name who verified them. And the top three are:
- 16.4% Felipe Conde. (He's serene about it. I'm indifferent.)
- 23% Las Supremas (The queens in the crowd go wild. The Andalucians start chanting "SON-DE-SOL." New Yorker sitting by the television goes "what the f**k happened there?" Las Supremas proclaim their contentment.)
Then there's a long unnecessary stall by Don Carlos as he brings out some EBU bureaucrat and the Director of TVE in order to announce the winner. Why, Charlie, why?
- 25.1% Son de Sol. The crowd goes wild. I try to contain my anger from kicking in my television set. (Just remember it could've been Yulia.)
The witches are overwrought as they get trinkets from the EBU bureaucrat and good luck wishes from the TVE bureaucrat. The EBU bureaucrat has one worst accents for speaking English in. It's embarassing.
Then the witches' families come on and there is brief anarachy which freaks Don Carlos out. The witches just start singing and to be honest, I expected a more chaotic result for a final that seemed to be designed by LSD.
If there is a god, they will at least drop the rusty-voiced man before they go to Kiev.
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