I blame those trollops from Spain who claim to speak for the sun: Melodifestivalen 2005 Final

Cue the trumpets, the time has finally come...It's the Melodifestivalen 2005 Final.

And the question on my mind isn't so much who will win, but rather how badly Martin Stenmarck will lose. (Nothing against Martin personally, but the songwriters behind his entry...Niklas Edberger, Johan Fransson, and Tim Larsen I'm talking to you.) I've got no issue with any of the other entrants. (Ok, I have an issue with Fredrik Kempe's voice...if we're being honest.)

2PM: Hurrah! Perfect reception. Happy recapper.

201: Some pock-marked man makes jokes outside Globen. Best argument for learning Swedish.

203: The stylish entrance of the presenters. This time it is Jill Johnson and Mark Levengood. Jill is dressed like a Canary and Mark is dressed like a tall, bald Napoleon. It is all oddly appropriate. Mark's Swedish sounds a bit unique and very crisp. I think he's not native born.

• Song 1: Martin Stenmarck - Las Vegas

Mark makes a Tom Jones comment. How wrong he is. These postcards will be interesting. The pock-marked man from earlier is seen harassing Martin in bathroom. Martin is good-looking. Shame about his song.

Martin is wearing a sparkly jacket, so I guess he is going for the Liberace angle of things. He is supported by 4 women wearing white PVC or leather suits. I have to say that my complaint about this song is really just the lyrics. Seriously, everybody onstage is entirely better than the daft song that they have been given.

• Song 2: Linda Bengtzing - Alla Flickor

Jiminy, Mark & Jill change quickly. Pock-marked man harasses Linda in her dressing room. She looks somewhat peeved by him. It's all rather funny, actually.

Linda comes onstage in the same Sgt. Pepper's jacket, and she looks, uh, relaxed. So relaxed that she's not entirely on-key. I still think the biting a bat's head off would work.

• Song 3: Nordman - Ödet var min väg

I could get used to Mark's voice. It definitely keeps you alert. Pock-marked man interviews Nordman. He apparently asked them a funny question (because the audience laughed), but Nordman stay completely stoic.

Wow. How the mighty have fallen. The bald, pierced singer of my lustful thoughts back in Göteborg has morphed into a slightly pudgy, whiny (perhaps even drunk) screecher. I am now twice as shocked as to how this got selected for the final. I think everybody else onstage other than him is having a fun time.

• Song 4: Shirley Clamp - Att älska dig

Funny interview with Shirley this time as the pock-marked man assumes that she is a foreigner and she tells him otherwise.

Now Shirley has improved since the first semi-final. She's still dressed as Ethel Merman-goes-disco, but her voice and pronounciation is ten times as sharper than it was last month (and it wasn't bad then). RESPECT! (By the way, Shirley, I thought you didn't want people to stare at your cleavage? Your outfit isn't helping. Neither is jumping up and down at the end of it.)

• Song 5: Sanne Salomonsen - Higher Ground

Whoa, Sanne comes off like Debbie Harry in this interview. She just chomps away and mentions that she's from Denmark. It's quite funny actually.

Sanne has developed a new look since the 3rd semi-final: the Danish answer to comedienne Wanda Sykes. She's got the Linda Bengtzing curse, energy by the bucketloads, but dodgy singing. Why the choreographers thought it was a good idea to have Sanne & Co. wave their hands around during the "round and 'round" part of the song is a mystery to me.

• Song 6: Caroline Wennergren - A Different Kind of Love

I'm getting the sense that apart from Shirley that we've had nothing but no-hopers so far. Caroline's voice is considerably less grating live than it is recorded. That is not saying that it is all that great either. Caroline is dressed in some sparkly red and black dress that makes her look like a losenge. Nonetheless, it doesn't distract from the fact that this song would be inherently better with a singer who had a softer voice.

• Song 7: Alcazar - Alcastar

Pock-marked man makes a pun with Alcazar and Alcatraz. I'm really beginning to like this guy. He's a riot in a very dry way.

Alcazar still burst out of the disco ball, but instead of wearing cartoonish outfits they are wearing ABBA white. (Do you really want those comparisons in Sweden? That's like going up against Goliath.) They're considerably stronger than they were last month, until they hit the final chorus. Eep, those were some wrong notes. (By the way, I do not want to see Andreas's abs that much unless I am in bed with him.)

• Song 8: Jimmy Jansson - Vi Kan Gunga

Jimmy looks like a brat playing with his mobile while Pocky interviews him. He's still gender-neutral.

Good lord, it's the Swedish Aaron Carter! Complete with random spastic movements and jumping up and down. It's like a desperate cry for Ritalin. If it weren't for the 12-14 year old girl vote, this would stand no chance. It's still between Shirley, Alcazar, and Nanne (so far) and Jimmy's performance doesn't look he'll be jumping in that group any time soon. (Is this kid really over 14? If so, he needs some growth hormone.)

• Song 9: Fredrik Kempe & Sanna Nielsen - Du och jag mot världen

Wow, this is dull. It shouldn't be, but it is. Fredrik pulls faces while Sanna basically runs roughshod over him vocally. I can't quite make it out, but I think Fredrik is wearing a leather suit. Whatever it is, he should never wear it again. This pair really is Fame: 10 years later.

• Song 10: Nanne Grönvall - Håll om mig

Not to jinx things, but this is true case of saving the best for last. (The roar in the audience is a clear indicator.) I love Nanne, even more so for the world-weary, slightly bitchy attitude she pulls off (I'm assuming jokingly) during her interview with Pocky.

Nanne is simply excellent. The only changes to her performance seems to be that she is camping it up more. (The song does seem to call for a camp performance to be honest.) It is also very evident that Nanne, Lena Ph, and Tina Turner would be a power house of a trio.

256: Recap. It is now clear (to me at least) that this contest is really between Shirley, Alcazar, and Nanne with an outside chance for Sanne or Jimmy.

300: I like Mark & Jill. Good choice SVT. (Makes ever so-slightly for the offensive pair from Semi-Final 2.) Jill has a strong resemblance to Megan Mullally from Will & Grace.

302: After Dark is the first interval. Who are they? Drag artistes. Quite good ones in fact (they were in the regular MF last year). This year, however they poke fun at Carola, Lena Ph, and Charlotte Nilsson (or Pierelli). It's quite hard to tell whether they are lip-syncing or not. Midway through, for some odd (yet, entirely believable reason) some Herrey and ABBA impersonators come on and sing "Det gor ont." I'm glad I'm on pills while writing this, because if I had all my faculties together this would not be as enjoyable.

309: Mark shows off the weird bowling trophy that this year's winner will receive. I would think the land of Ikea and Saab would have something a lot more stylish.

310: Carola is the second interval. Has this woman ever left the 1980's? She is wearing some green outfit that was left over from a Debbie Gibson video. There is synth all over the place in this song she is performing ("Genom Allt") and the backing singers/dancers are doing choreography last seen in Fame. (Speaking of said backing singers/dancers, they deserve major kudos, because I've seen most of them do the supporting work for many of the 10 entries.

314: Results, part 1. Dear sweet lord, Martin takes an early lead with the first region...and the second region. However Nanne takes the top vote from the third region. By the fourth region, it's a pretty close race between Martin, Nanne, and Alcazar. Martin takes back the lead with the fifth region. (What the hell are you people listening to?) Gothenburg shows some sense by giving low points to Martin and top marks to Nanne. Ditto Malmo. Stockholm gives its top mark to Shirley.

330: Recap, part two. I just sit by stunned that a daft song about Las Vegas just scored 102 points, while Nanne and Shirley are #2, and #3. This recap, by the way, is for the televoters. (The previous results were for the regional juries. Confused? Me too.)

334: Mark interviews Martin and Shirley. Martin is a bit of prick and interrupts Shirley a couple of times.

336: Jill Johnson is the third interval. (Like she'd accept this gig otherwise.) There's a tech glitch and Mark and Jill have some Swedish banter. I mention this, because she proceeds to sing (I swear to god and I am not kidding) "Redneck Woman." There is such a disconnect here that I begin to accept that perhaps we are all living on a spaceship orbiting through the 23rd galaxy. How Jill sings this song with a straight face is a mystery to me.

340: Just when you thought it was safe, they go bring back the offensive Cherokee gag again. I guess if you can have a Swedish woman sing "Redneck Woman," then you can be blatantly insulting to Native Americans. (Roger Pontare was respectful to Native Americans, heed the man.)

342: We are blissfully saved from more offensive stereotypes by Lena Ph, the fourth interval. In the year since her win, Lena seems to morphed into Janu from this year's Survivor. I would like to point out something to both Carola and Jill. Lena does not need a truckload of dancers to pull off a spectacular stage show. When she gets to "Det gor ont" her performance is almost movement for movement the same as it was last year. Rather impressive...in a way.

346: Carola is brought out to give the results to Mark and Jill. Why? I have no idea.

348: Results, part two. Alcazar and Shirley bow out early. Martin takes the second highest mark(110 points), while Nanne takes the top mark (132). However, due to the jury result Martin wins the lot. There is some solace to be taken in Nanne placing 2nd.

352: 31 songs were worst than a daft song about Las Vegas? This truly defies all logic. Is it the sympathy vote? No one deserves that much sympathy. Sweden's chances of getting into the final in 2006 (let's not even think about its chances of winning in Kiev) are now extremely dicey.

353: Martin can barely get through his performance. Unfortunately (for me), he soldiers on.

356: Ending theme? Still "Relight My Fire." (Although I retitle it "Set the lyricist for 'Las Vegas' on fire" this time.)