All healed now, but heeding my horoscope which suggested that I clean out unfinished business, here's the Eurovision Body Count for the Final.
Like last time, I listened and/or watched 90 seconds of each entry.
It gets lonely at the top (but at least you can be cocky): The Final
Albania: Ledina Celo - Nesër Shkoj
Keep the stage act, change the dress! Ledina comes out strutting in what looks like the only slightly more stylish version of that dress that Bjork wore to the Oscars several years ago. She's accompanied by a group of cocktail waitresses playing fake violins and an acrobatic man playing a fake drum. There is an unintentionally hilarious moment where Ledina and the waitresses march in conga line while Mr. Acrobat leaps all over the place. I quite like this fast pop-folk entry and after seeing it, I like it even more because it's nice to know that Ledina truly does possess a powerful voice. All that being said, after hearing that this song will most likely be translated into English I am now prepared for a lyrical assault on the ears on the level of "Pump-pump." (Remember the tragedy that were the lyrics of "The Image of You?" Somebody needs to rush over some English-Albanian dictionaries to Tirana pronto!) I'm also curious how they are going to work in the booming male voices singing "di-di-di-DAAAA" onstage in Kiev.
Bosnia-Herzegovina: Feminnem - Zovi
Well, it's quite dated. In fact it sounds more appropriate for the 1985 contest rather than the 2005. However, Bosnia sent another bouncy 1980's number in 2002, and Maja performed the living daylights out of it, so I can't write it off entirely until I see how the trio that is Feminnem (Is that supposed to be a play on both "feminine" and "Eminem?") perform.
Cyprus: Konsantinos - Ela Ela
It's the Cypriot version of "Rumpshaker." Seriously. Konstantinos sings "Come baby, come baby," follows that up with thrusting hips as he sings "bang bang," while an assortment of black clad female dancers cavort around him. (Teddy Riley should sue.) If I can ignore the daft, unoriginal lyrics and the hilarious choreography, this is not bad. It's not good, because this looks like a clear-cut imitation of what Sakis Rouvas did in Istanbul. (Sakis is also mildly better in the looks department, but Konstantinos is not at all bad either.) Not a winner, but Cyprus is probably in the final next year.
Germany: Gracia - Run & Hide
The writer for this, David Brandes, is also behind "Cool Vibes." I think he did a better job for Switzerland. Much has been said about the similarities between "Run & Hide" and the old grunge hit "What's Goin' On" by 4 Non Blondes. I hear the similarities, and frankly, I'm indifferent because it doesn't seem like blatant plagiarism. Gracia is apparently another former talent show contestant, and is not bad of a singer. (Speaking of which, Kelly Clarkson could take this song and bat it into the sky.) The performance, however, comes across as the kind you'd see by a high school garage band at a talent show: really good, but still amateur. On the positive side of things, this is extremely better than the dirge that was "Waiting for tonight."
Greece: Helena Paparizou - My Number One
It's the Greek Shakira! (Thank god, I don't think I could handle a Greek version of "Freak Like Me" to complement the Cypriot "Rumpshaker.") There's another potential problem here along the lines of the Albanian entry. Here it's the sampled "hey!" that pops up every sowhile. The video that I saw had no one vocalising it. That aside, Helena does an excellent job with this. It's also a pretty good song to boot. The lyrics veer often into the cliche of throwing various adjectives together to describe someone, but they have their witty moments, so I let it slide. I actually could see this winning. (Hopefully that's not a kiss of death.) It doesn't grab me, but it certainly draws me in.
Malta: Chiara - Angel
I didn't care for Chiara's song back in 1998, and that was yards better than "Angel." This is like a castoff from a bad Andrew Lloyd-Webber show. Chiara has also remade herself from looking like a mid-level executive to looking like she should be performing at La Scala. It's a shame, because I imagine that an operatic version would actually make this song more tolerable instead of mind-numbingly dull.
Russia: Natalya Podolskaya - Nobody Hurt No-One
My hatred of this song's abuse of English grammar continues unabated. Natalya, however, rocks it. Absolutely class rock ballad. If it wins, I would easily live with it. (Just one question lingers constantly in my head: Why can't she just say "hurts" instead of "hurt?" It's just a difference of one damn letter and it makes you sound like you know what you are singing about to anyone who is a native English speaker.)
Serbia & Montenegro: No Name - Zauvijek Moja
Dull boyband ballad. I could care less if it's replaced by "Jutro" which is a dull female soloist ballad.
Spain: Son del Sol - Brujeria
We've been down their road to fame. I'm no fan of these witches. That being said, since I get to watch Eurovision courtesy of TVE International, this in a vague sense makes the Spanish entry my "national" entry. Symbolically, I'd like them to win. Personally, there are better entries.
Sweden: Martin Stenmarck - Las Vegas
I have wished that this song would just go away ever since I first heard it and again when it won Saturday night. By the way, according to Las Vegas CBS affiliate KLAS, this is what is happening in Las Vegas tonight: Illicit lovers going to jail for stealing $8 million in silver; A police standoff causes a school to be locked down; two former NYPD officers are arrested for committing Mafia hits; and thieves have made off with sensitive personal information of thousands of people on file with the North Las Vegas DMV. Would you sing about that Las Vegas, Martin? Would you? I know you could.
Turkey: Gülseren - Rimi Rimi Ley
I don't claim to understand what goes on in meetings at TRT, but one has to seriously wonder. I mean, they decide that a song with a title that apparently means nothing, and a performer who looks like she's performing in an office talent show are winners. It's certainly peppy and cute, but it's kind of...well, dumpy. The remixed version that I heard at least has some chance of allowing Turkey not to bomb outright.
Ukraine: Greenjolly - Razom Nas Bahato
I'm all for political rants getting into the Eurovision. (Honestly. I liked all those pro-Socialist anthems and sly anti-Salazar critiques that Portugal sent back in the 1960's and 1970's. If you thought "Tourada" was political, listen to "Apenas ao meu povo" by Simone de Oliviera which was the artistic (but not overall) winner in 1973. Simone sings it brilliantly and the lyrics pull no punches in criticising a certain Iberian right-wing dictator.) This, however, is a bit of a mess. I can understand the symbolism of having one of the themes of the Orange Revolution represent Ukraine when the contest is being hosted by them, but it's just really manic and out of place at Eurovision. I could totally see it whipping up a crowd in snowy downtown Kiev, but I think it'll fall to pieces in the voting. By the way, what sort of daft rap name is "Greenjolly?" It makes me think of the Jolly Green Giant (a brand of frozen vegetables).
United Kingdom: Javine - Touch My Fire
Wow. This truly blew me away. Javine is clearly operating off Beyonce as a model, but still, this is impressive. Probably one of the few British entries that actually sound like what is in the UK charts right now. I liked this song when I heard it, but after seeing Javine perform it, I have to say she takes to entirely new level incorporating lots of brief forays into belly-dancing and some Bollywood-esque moves. My personal favourite out of all the entries.
So here's how the final shuffles out:
Gold:
1. United Kingdom
2. Russia (I pray Natalya adds an "s" to "hurt" in Kiev.)
3. Albania
Silver:
4. Greece
5. Bosnia-Herzegovina
6. Cyprus
Tin: (because bronze is valuable and these songs...not so pricy)
7. Spain
8. Germany
9. Ukraine
10. Turkey (the remix saved you)
Compost:
11. Malta
11. Serbia & Montenegro
13. Sweden
(Yes, my hatred of "Las Vegas" is so deep that I rank boring BALLADS ahead of it.)
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