The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade 2006 Post-Mortem

Yes, indeed it's back again, and again, it's a "post-mortem" since I'm watching it from the Central Time Zone where the parade doesn't start until 9 AM local time, meaning that everything onscreen has already happened.

Apparently this is the 80th Parade, and I steel myself for constant mentions of it.

Then deep-voiced cokehead (because he's just that animated) announcer man starts reeling off the names of the "celebrities" appearing in this year's parade, and all I have to say is "DENISE VAN OUTEN?" Ms. Jay Kay-shagging-Maxim-staple?

Is there some sort of US welfare for '90s British television staples? Sean Maguire is on The Class, Cat Deeley is on some show on Fox, and now Denise Van Outen is attacking US television.

Camp Broadway [the double entendre] does some inane number about "give me a drum," without actually having any drums whatsoever, and we go to commercials.

NBC plug #1: Heroes. The amount of desperation in the three actors is palpable from space. It's like Al Roker has to try to push them off screen.

Oh, jesus! A Chorus Line. Well, I already said my piece about the revival at AfterElton, and transposed to Herald Square makes it look even more pitiful. Go away now.

NBC plug #2: Friday Night Lights. Maria Celeste interviews an actress from the show and treats it like a political interview. It's kind of cringe-inducing, but mostly boring. One nitpicking thing I have with that show is that it's depressing to see a bunch of people who peak at high school. Schadenfreude, but still depressing.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas performs. I like to think--and my mother backed me up on this--that I had more of a grip on reality as a child, so that trifle like this would not appeal to me whatsoever. That aside, I think the Chuck Jones animated special was good enough, this just screams naked greed.

Cokehead announcer says "this dramatic view of New York is from the top of Rockefeller Center." What the television audience sees: low level clouds and a faint outline of a building. Absolutely stirring, I tell you.

After commercials, there's a video piece with Martin Short tracing the route of the parade by helicopter: 1) He's looking old--especially on HD; 2) I actually used to be indifferent to him, but since his musical has opened, I can't stand him and his mugging, ironic or not.

The Colour Purple: Eh.

NBC plug #3: ER and Maura Tierney, who has been promo'd like crazy. It's the first plug today that didn't seem like it was blatantly begging people to watch them.

After commercials, Al Roker chills my blood by saying that there's a revival of Grease and they are turning the auditions for the leads into a television show--on NBC, of course--hosted by...Denise Van Outen. Denise looks no different than she did in the nineties.

The horror of that announcement marinates in me throughout Spamalot's performance. By the way, Spamalot doesn't seem all that interesting without any star power. (And for those in the New York television market, the new ads just prove that even more.)

Commercials: Even though I grew up in the 1980's, there is no way you can make me believe that Izod is sexy, because I still think of uptight yuppies thinking of ways to get rich off of others' labour.

Matt & Meredith intro The Rockettes and I have to say that Meredith is kind of a non-entity. Maybe it was the raspy voice and sub-textual bitchy comments that Katie Couric kept throwing in, but she did seem to add something extra to the show. By the way, I'm continually amazed that people kicking their legs up in sync manages to impress people.

The parade arrives in Herald Square with lots of rain pouring on The Rockettes. There's a metaphor there, but I'm buggered if I can find it at the moment.

One thing that is good about all the rain is that for the people still in my neighbourhood, the foot traffic is not as horrid as it could be.

The Post Office float has some people from some show called High School Musical which I have never heard of, but I'm not hip, especially not to things Disney. Fortunately, the Cokehead Announcer cuts them off a minute into singing.

Local commercials: Generally daytime television in Milwaukee has commercials for "cash advances" and injury lawyers. Today, it is nothing but ads for Farm & Fleet and Menards. Feel the Wisconsin-ness.

After commercials, Julie Andrews sings on top of a golden goose. I say singing, but she's more talk-singing than anything else. Still, a valiant effort and justly rewarded with applause.

I'm developing some sympathy for the participants since it looks like it's pouring down, but then they bring out some daft children's singing act going on about bumblebees. Mother Nature is just expressing her opinion.

Barbie float: Whoever is playing Barbie is going to have serious facial pain from grinning that widely for so long.

Matt makes mention of the 1926 Macy's Parade Queen. What he doesn't say is that these days the Macy's Parade Queens number in the hundreds and few of them are female. (I'm sorry, but the joke was just too tempting.)

Marching bands: Are there any marching bands that aren't from the South or the West? Surely, there are some from the Tri-State.

Oklahoma float: Sandi Patty is still around? Or is that Kim Zimmer? Either way, I don't think you could write such a rising anthem about Wisconsin.

Commercials: We Are Marshall makes me think of "We Are Legion."

Sesame Street Float: More welfare for aging performers. Seriously, a significant amount of the humans on the float have been on that show since I was born.

Synergy plug: "Vote for your favourite float on iVillage," says Matt. "What would anyone get out of that?" says Hikaru.

Some random PBS float: Another pre-pubescent faux-rock group that I have never heard of. Befitting the ADD generation, their song snippet lasts about 30 seconds.

Animal Planet & NBC plug (because they're airing that dog show) float: They cut off Gloria Estefan! Gutsy.

The Dora the Explorer balloon is flying awfully low and threatening to knock out another tourist from Albany.

Tutenstein (NBC Plug!) float: Diana Degarmo performs with the Phoenix Boys Choir. It's saccharine, but considering that last year featured Jai Rodriguez singing "King Tut" uncensored and after Madonna (you go, girl!) gave a brilliant and bleep laden performance last night on NBC, I can understand the rationale.

This show is full of filler when you get down to it. A perfect example of this is the fact that there is a jump roping team. Al Roker joins Matt & Meredith in the booth to introduce a bunch of Cartoon Network characters butchering "A Little Help from my friends." Absolute filler, I tell you.

Some random Rhinoceros float: I don't get Chris Brown, but puberty looks like it's going to be mean to him.

Commercials: The Apprentice is going to premiere on January 7, along with that acrid Grease show. January 7th is the day that television died...on NBC. I do not pay attention to David Blaine's stupid stunts, but if he is suspended in the air over Hell's Kitchen, I am very glad that I'm not there getting annoyed as well as getting drunk.

Royal Caribbean float: Ciara is lip-syncing her butt off, and as Clay Cane astutely pointed out: Ciara & Wanda Sykes look exactly the same. Nonetheless, those evil people at GE cut. her. off!

Marching Band update: Well apparently Indiana bucks the South & West monopoly.

Hershey's Float: My lack of hipness continues since I have no idea who RBD is, platinum album sales or not. It's a ballad so my curiosity is negligible. They get cut off as well. Would it kill NBC to let people perform for at least a minute?

Cokehead announcer says "don't touch that dial." I haven't seen a dial on a television in over a decade.

Marching Band update: NYPD marching band. Is this the only Tri-State representation? For shame.

And this is a weak year if I'm paying any attention at all to the marching bands. Al Roker makes a "Battery Park" joke in reference to the Energizer Bunny. Please lobotomise him, somebody.

New York float: Hall & Oates. The unspoken theme of this year's parade is "The Eighties Have Come Back with a vengeance." Hall & Oates get an extra 30 seconds for some bizarre reason.

Hess float: Some scruffy man with a guitar and a grin surrounded by a bunch of people wearing traffic signs. They should legalise LSD for occasions like this. Scruffy gets cut off by the Cokehead Announcer. Conspiracy Theorists start your engines!

Football float: "A tradition for 120 million Americans" says Matt. Count me as part of the 180 million Americans that don't celebrate that tradition. Some blonde girl from MTV called Cheyenne (I thought it was Chayanne, as in the Puerto Rican singer, at first) tries to maintain her coolness while performing around a bunch of football mascots. Did you really want a singing career that desperately?

Retro (read: AARP nostalgia) float: Darlene Love manages to perform without looking awkward while still embracing some hokum. She gets cut off by Cokehead Announcer. The best performance so far.

Commercials: Isn't Identity just an update of What's My Line?

Charlotte's Web float: Sarah McLachlan tries to maintain her dignity on a float surrounded by kids and a big pig looming over her head. I don't think anyone could manage that. She barely gets cut off by Meredith to talk about the new "healthy" Mr. Potato Head float.

This is our country, kids; Mr. Potato Head is being used as a symbol of healthy living.

Americana Overload float: The question lingering in my head is whether they would dare cut off the USAF Marching band and Renee Fleming singing "America the Beautiful." They didn't, but Cokehead Announcer jumps in very quickly to mention that Barry Manilow is coming up.

Boy, this parade has fallen on hard times.

For some reason they are running this parade extremely quickly. Everything is blink-or-you'll-miss it. On the upside, the cringe inducing numbers don't have that long to unnerve.

Random New York float: Barry Manilow gestures angrily to somebody on the float, then switches on the syrup to "sing" "What the world needs now." Based on the anger and the fact that he was "on" so quickly after looking pissed off, I would never want to get on his bad side. Barry does not get cut off, but he also didn't sing a full version.

Matt & Meredith mention John Tartaglia (Shock! Openly gay famous person), but unless he's turned into the Pillsbury Dough Boy, I don't see him. Also on the Pillsbury float, some people from some production of White Christmas that I've never heard of. They get cut off quickly.

Polar Express (boy, are they trying to get their money back on that): Somebody called Natalie Grant sings some dirge about "believing." She gets about 90-120 seconds and is not cut off. Whoever scheduled the appearances this year messed up royally.

Santa Claus arrives after a tacky dance sequence and Meredith meekly says "I'm so excited."

Am I getting older or was it always so anticlimactic?

Al Roker keeps his mouth blissfully shut as they sign off.