Eurovision 2009: The Nice Semi-Final

I must say that RTP is very different animal than TVE. There’s what I would call a light-hearted seriousness to their news bulletin and overall presentation. There’s also no puff piece about Flor-de-lis, this year’s Portuguese entrant. 

Before you know it, we see a bunch of letters floating across Moscow spelling out the word “SemiFinal.” Then someone with a North American accent (and a lisp) tells us some story about two girls looking for flowers trying to find out how to fly. The tale goes on about a magic horse as cameras pan across the arena. Lo and behold, there are pyrotechnics. I am beginning to think that I’m in some sort of pre-show for an attraction at a Disney theme park.

Anyway, the firebird (this year’s sublogo) flies through the arena, lands and Natty & Andy enter perky as hell.

Andy screams the required “Hello Europe.” His accent is thick and his personality could become grating. Natty’s accent is also thick, they are like a really happy-go-lucky version of Boris & Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle. Natty stumbles on her French cue cards. Andy screams.

This could be a long two nights.

Montenegro: The postcards are a bunch of flying images of modern Russia. Andrea somewhat struts onstage while a male backing dancer gets flung by her. He is doing choreography straight out of  Saturday Night Fever (ballet edition). Strike that, the choreography for him seems to be shake butt and show armpit. I have to wonder about the staging here. Why one dancer? She could totally Ani Lorak this, but it looks very weak with only two onstage (plus backing singers). Best Montenegrin entry so far.

Czech Republic: More flying images and a Russian “Hi.” We go from Disco Fever to Comic Book Craziness. The lead rapper is dressed like a 70s Superhero, the rest of the band like Czech gangsters. This is a comedy entry and it does come across, and if I was under 13 this would have me in stitches. Interestingly, the “Parental Advisory” logo in the background. Portuguese commentator chuckles.

Belgium: Time for Elvis on Acid. I have to say this does come across better onstage than it did in its preview video. One thing I do notice while Patrick is groping his microphone, is how huge this stage looks. The backing singers and performers are working their butts off, while Patrick is not giving the full amount of crazy that the song needs. He also is incomprehensible.  Mr. Sexy em Portugues gives another slight chuckle.

Belarus: The postcards give virtually no time for the poor commentators to share the details. Oh good lord, the Belarussians are going OTT again. Petr strolls in while some painted woman stretches in front of a wind machine. He has a great voice, but is smiling from ear to ear when he should be looking serious. The backers and Petr are in two separate entries. Usch.

Sweden: I have no clue what on Earth these postcards are supposed to mean. Anyway, it’s She who beat out Alcazar. I do like the new staging and her voice is good, but the backing singers (Darja Svajger clones) and SWBOA do not mix well vocally or visually. The whole lot looks like Lady Godiva attended by High Street shop assistants. That said, it’s the best presentation so far.

Armenia: The sisters attack the stage before they even start moving. They are in folk dress with very striking eye makeup. They slink about while the female dancers kick and sway about. This is the first song that really hits me with its catchiness. Interestingly, the sisters barely move but they sing living daylights out of it. It’s also one of the biggest crowd reactions so far.

Ad break. I am dying to find out what horrors Natty & Andy are inflicting upon Europe on networks without ad breaks. RTP promos soap operas very strangely. I thought they had switched programmes by accident.

Andorra: Cuteness overload with a guitar is what happens when Denmark meets Andorra. Susanna is assisted by an assortment of Lindsay Lohan & Lady GaGa clones. It’s very simple staging and therein rests its appeal but also might be its downfall. Nonetheless, I reckon Susanna might very well take Andorra to the final. Good audience reaction.

Switzerland: The lead singer struts onstage and proceeds to develop back trouble and one rough voice. OnEurope had mentioned that he’s performing to the audience in the arena and not so much the one at home and it’s apparent. The rest of the band are miming their butts off though. Fortuntately when they hit the bridge, they make up for the dodgy start and middle. Sadly, I don’t think being between Andorra and Turkey is going to help them.

Turkey: And now the Turkish-Belgian answer to Jennifer Lopez. I hadn’t really paid attention to this song, but I have to say Hadise is giving it her all. It’s more sensual and less desperate than Everyway That I Can. In fact it’s like someone crossed La Ryan with L”Erener and added a bare chested male dancer doing somersaults. Not too shabby. I think if the competition was weaker in the final, I’d call it for Turkey.

Israel: Noa & Mira attack the stage and via very dramatic and theatrical choreography do pretty good job. Although I think the bongo break is a bit too much, it is brief and the message comes across clearly.

Oh crap, it’s Natty & Andy. Natty alternating between bimbo and humourously blasé. Andy: still annoying. They cut to the very handsome and competent Greenroom reporter, Dmitry, who should so replace Andy.

Bulgaria: Krassy & Co. are keeping up with the medieval theme from the preview. He’s very good looking, but his over-emoting and the hilarious bouffants of his backing singers make this entry unbelievably campy. As if that was not enough, there’s a couple dancing on stilts behind them. This might get through for comedy though. Good god, these backing singers don’t sing inasmuch as screech like cats in water. Audience stupefied…including myself.

Iceland: Even though I don’t think much of the song, Yohanna’s very nondescript ballad now stands out after the Bulgarian excess. It’s basically her in a powder blue prom dress pondering truth. In fact the whole staging could be from any 1980s teen movie’s dance scene. Audience caught up in the song. Me…I get the appeal.

Macedonia: Back to excess. Note to Next Time: look up the discography of the Japanese rock duo, B’z for how to update your sound from the 1980s without losing your roots. Good grief, the lead singer thinks he’s Robert Plant, unfortunately he’s Billy Squire. Even worse, a Billy Squire imitator. He even lays down on the floor with his Poodle Hair self. It really comes across as dated and pointless. Portuguese Commentator unimpressed. I must look him up.

Romania: A bunch of smoke and dancing girls announces the arrival of Elena and her vapid Balkan Girls. The song is rather funny from a lyrical standpoint as it is basically Elena having a bit of identity crisis between being a party girl and trying to become a woman of substance. Does this come across in the staging? No. In fact, it’s like a really poor copy of what Kalomira did last year. The dancers do an excellent job though, and Elena is a great singer, but she does not get this song.

Finland: Oooh a fire dancer? Oh, two?! Nice. Well, the trio of women singing do an amazing job, but the rapper is in poor voice or at least not doing his fair share of lifting. Does this song seem a bit Swedish to anyone else? The song is missing an extra bit of oomph, but the audience gives it a good round of applause.

We get a glimpse of Dmitry and then RTP remembers they have an ad break where they talk about the Ceremonies from Fatima. I don’t care about some miracle, I want my Dmitry fix!

Believe it or not only 3 songs left.

Portugal: RTP comes back just in time. The stage is psychedelic which kind of works since this is a bit of a “flower child” song (pun partly intended). Flor-de-lis do a pretty good job, and the lead singer is in great voice. It’s a very cute song and I think this might be a year where being cute pays off as opposed to being OTT. The singer wipes a tear from her eye and that little gesture might get them into the final.

Malta: Will it be third time lucky for Chiara? She’s certainly in way better voice, and I’m just glad she’s gotten some extra bpm to this song. She’s also really working the camera as well, even down to head tilts. The only problem is that the song sounds like it is going to build and then it just…ends.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Now the lads at OnEurope are saying this is going to win the Semi by a mile. Let’s see. The stage starts out very red and the band (plus drummer dancers) are working every last Leija angle down from stern faces and theatrical choreography. Oh boy, one of the drummer/dancers is waving a red flag. If they were wearing green one would think this was working a Communist revival. It’s impressive, but I don’t know if it’s a blowout for Bosnia.

Natty & Andy get all happy and perky to the point that I wonder if there is some magic powder hidden underneath their outfits. They press the magic button to kickoff the voting. These two are manic as hell.

Recap: Montenegro is a missed opportunity with armpits…Czech Gypsies go for comedy and succeed minorly…Belgium is Elvis ’78…Belarus is overwrought without realizing it…Sweden is better than I thought but the bar wasn’t high to start with…Armenian sisters kick ass and take names without moving…Andorra is unbelievably cute...Switzerland thinks its Lollapalooza not Eurovision…Turkey is sleek and precise…Israel is poignant without being overwrought or depressing…Bulgaria is lost in the Dark Ages…Iceland is competent and vocally strong…Macedonia thinks it’s 1989…Romania is nondescript and I really think she needs to look at all the lyrics…Finland tries to out-Swede the Swedes…Portugal is cute, trippy, and endearing…Malta aims high but. Just. Misses. It…Bosnia gives us Leija Part 2, and it’s not quite up to the original.

Natty tells us we have friends in Moscow. I can think of 4 Georgians who won’t get that reception.

We get a recap of Russian victories on the world stage: Dima “You Must Love Me” Bilan winning last year, the UEFA cup, Miss World, etc.

Andy yells something incomprehensible that I think was in English. Natty is indeed coming off better than him, even when she acts airheaded about her dress and stumbles in French.

Another recap of the songs: My opinions stay the same, save for the fact that Petr might not be as overwrought as I thought previously given Krassy & the Bouffants and Regina. Dancers on stilts, people!   

By the way, during the show RTPi has been scrolling messages to the Portuguese diaspora across Europe. I think Portugal is getting through.

 

Natty & Andy go in the crowd. The crowd pretty much ignores them as they do the countdown to the end of voting.

I grow ever more unnerved by how these two will drag out the announcement of who gets into the final.

Ad break. RTPi gives us lessons in the development of the Portuguese language. Who knew that “assassin” comes from those who smoked hashish?

As I see it, I see Israel, Portugal, and Turkey as the only near dead certs to make it to the final. BiH might. Finland might. Andorra might. Iceland might. Armenia might. Malta might. That’s 3 strong contenders, 6 possibles, and the only real wildcard I see making the cut is either Montenegro or Czech Republic. And yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if Belgium gets in.

Natty & Andy are still screaming in the crowd. Natty is trying to maintain some composure. Andy isn’t even trying. They give us a preview of the finalists: Patricia does a killer job for France…Anastasia mumbles about her mother for Russia…Germany and its tale about international male prostitution…Jade knocks it out of the park for the UK…Soraya struts her stuff strongly for Spain (TVE-I ought to be really interesting to watch on Saturday).

Ahh…Dmitry. You will truly make these semis bearable whenever the performances aren’t on.

Natty & Andy look stupefied for a second before calling on Daddy Svante to give the result.

Portuguese commentator is getting excited.

Turkey gets through. Andy screams. Portuguese commentator still excited.

Sweden gets through. I’m shocked. Andy screams again. Portuguese commentator getting slightly miffed.

Israel gets through. Crowd goes wild. Andy still screaming.

Portugal gets through. Portuguese commentator excited but composed. Natty wants to strip.

Malta gets through. Portuguese commentator still excited, but I reckon he doesn’t care now that Portugal got through.

Finland gets through. Phew. I’m happy. Natty & Andy argue about pushing the button to open the virtual envelope.

BiH gets through. 3 spaces left.

Romania gets through. Portuguese commentator & I ponder how that happened.

Natty & Andy act drunk…although I think they may not be acting at this point.

Armenia gets through. Thank god for that.

Andy gets hoarse. Natty prepares to renounce her citizenship.

Iceland gets the final place.

Well, that was not as much of a bloodbath as I thought. Portuguese commentator quickly regains his composure after excitedly mentioning that Flor-de-lis made it through.

The only shockers for me are Romania and Sweden getting through. I reckon one of them has to be the jury choice, and both are likely contenders for that crown.

The real fun will be in Thursday’s semi and Saturday’s final where 3 of the Big 4 could possibly win the lot.