Eurovision 2007: Fun Facts from the Qualifying Round Scoreboard

...which is now up at Eurovision.tv.

• The Portugese & Andorrans must feel a mixture of being happy and pissed off that they missed making it into the final by single digits.
• The Portugese can only blame themselves since they gave 12 to The Barbu. Had they reciprocated the 12 the Andorrans gave them, they would've been in the Final. (The Andorrans would've still been screwed though.)
• Brits loved The Diki (or there really is a huge Cypriot voting bloc in the UK) since Cyprus got 10 from the UK (and only 5 from France and Belgium, zilch from Switzerland) .
• Macedonia is now permanently in the yo-yo league, but this year it seems like it's a case of being marginally liked by a lot of countries (including Sweden, Switzerland, and Turkey) which launched them into their 9th place at the Qualifier.
• That's one big gap between Georgia (8th place/123 points) and Macedonia (9th place/97 points). I'm just sayin'.
• Spain, explain your 4 points to Norway, and while we're at it, Portugal explain your 2 to Norway.
• Belgium got its sole 12 points from Georgia.
• FT (Lativan)S finished 5th, and then roundly got their behinds handed to them at the Final. Perhaps last place is lucky...if your act isn't an intentional attempt to piss people off.
• Bulgaria got through very much on merit, with a Cypriot 12, Spanish 10, and French 8.
• Personally, I don't get how anyone can claim that English aids your chances anymore, since Serbia got 5 from the UK, and Slovenia got 8 from the Andorrans. Moral of this story: English doesn't help, a good performance does.
• The Diki placed 15th, apparently lack of popularity in the Baltics killed her chances. You'd think they'd be all for aggressive women singing electroclash.
• Iceland was popular amongst the Baltics as well as the Nordics.
• Somehow I doubt the Estonian 10 for Georgia was due to Ex-USSR links.
• Austria got screwed, but if I'm being honest, ORF's decision to save money by making their song the Life Ball theme as well as the Eurovision entry (and compounding this connection with a life size red ribbon onstage) was really tacky and in questionable taste, with only the Andorrans (1 point) and Swiss (or Austrians on holiday--3 points) buying it.
• That Belgian 10 to the Netherlands was pretty friendly, yet the Dutch didn't reciprocate (Belgium got 2 from them). The Dutch don't like disco on Thursday night?
• I'm suspicious about all those votes for Albania (no diaspora is that huge), unless people really thought it was a comic entry.
• You'd think the Czechs would get at least some token support from Austria. You'd think wrong.
• Daddy Topic must be very popular in the Balkans, since only the Germans were the sole non-Balkans to support him to the tune of 2 points.
• Magdi the Hellcat's poor diction was no impediment as Hungary came in 2nd and got points from all over.
• The UK is a sucker for a drag queen, since DQ got 7 from the UK (the second highest score Denmark received).

So what have we learned, Charlie Brown?

1. Everybody is a little bit neighbourly, but there's still a lot of randomness going on.
2. RTP & TVA are still going to be in it, because they score well when they try.
3. If I was the IBA, NOS, or ORF, I'd just take the Hungarian route of grabbing a high-charting national song that doesn't violate the rules and call that your entry.
4. Even though Magdi the Hellcat went over well in English, she probably would've done the same in Hungarian. So don't try to make English happen where it shouldn't.

Eurovision 2007: The Final...here comes the "eh"

Pre-Contest notes:

The TVE Preshow started at 11:55, the actual contest begins at 3 PM. If that's not giving support to the contest, I don't know what is. Good on you, TVE.

(Although the purpose of the Preshow seems to be a reason to drag out David Civera & Karina every year. Note to David: That "aren't I just cute?" act isn't going to work for you much longer.)

On the blogs this week, someone made the very astute question of "Can you see this song being performed over the credits?" in reference to the UK entry. Perhaps watching nothing but Spanish coverage over this past season, I could see "I Love You Mi Vida" being performed over the credits, but they're not alone: Serbia (although I don't care for it), Germany, Russia, and Slovenia are also in that group. I don't see Verka going all the way, but Ukraine is probably not going back to the Qualifier.

Now watch me get this all wrong and we wind up in Chisnau next year.

As always I'm doing my best to just write things down as I see them with minimal pausing.

The Show:

Same psychedlic opening promising True Fantasy, and we're in the Hartwall where apparently some Gothic man menacingly beckons to us.

A whole bunch of monsters scare some dogs in Upcountry Finland as last year's winner plays. Of course, what else could it be, but Lordi running amok mountains and snow.

Them lot really are camp, aren't they?

Lordi appears in the Areena to perform the last half of the song as the audience shouts along.

There is the close approximation of a moshing, inasmuch as Eurofans can do.

The Vowels make their triumphant return clad in black in contrast to the Miami-gear they had
on for the Qualifier. Poor Beatriz is speaking a mile a minute, no wonder she wants to retire.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Old ships for the postcard. It oddly looks like the Bosnian preview. "Maria" is dressed in Alenka Gotar's Junior Miss Diva line. She does a lot of outstretched arm movements along with her seemingly robotic ladies-in-waiting. Not my sort of ballad, but Alenka Jr. is in good voice and PBS chose just the right shots. A very strong opener.

Spain: Goth love at the funfair for the Spanish postcard. Huge roar from the crowd as Da NASHers come out in a blaze of white, which is why the background is all blue and red? (hehe) They have sharpened up the routine quite a lot since the Spanish final and vocally they are ten times better. Da NASHettes singing backup (and playing drums?) are almost unnoticeable. It all seems to build up well and then things go a little bit wonky vocally. Nonetheless, I get a strong Paparizou feel from it.

Belarus: A mobile library for Belarus. (Hehe. You're so naughty YLE postcard directors.) As well as Da NASHers did, they can't beat the dramatic opening here. Not Dima still is trying to become Sakis Rouvas and if I'm not mistaken, his shirt is now cut even lower. (Was Kirkorov getting a little too Socratic?) Anyway, Not Dima belts out while the People in Black point and ballet around him. In all honesty, this is a much stronger entry than I thought it was on Thursday.

Ireland: Half-naked men swimming in the ice. How The Amazing Race-in-Korea-esque. So now that we've had the Cheesecake, we now have the Guiness to go along with it. I hate this song lyrically and musically, but most of all I cannot stand the lead singer's nasal voice. She also looks stoned on heroin. It looks like someone took a pub music song and tried to make it big. It doesn't work, no matter how cute they are trying to make it. By the way, it is climatologically impossible to stop the Spring.

Finland: Psychotic Queer Eye clowns for the home entry. Hanna sways moodily amongst the dry ice while she implores us to leave her alone. Wrong venue to tell us that, dear. Vocally, she's excellent, but her stage presence is almost entirely reliant upon the wind machine. There's an interesting dichotomy here: Hanna's presence is small, but everything else onstage is HUGE.

The Vowels come back...in new outfits (green for Female Vowel, grey for Male Vowel). They do a comedy bit with an actress (I'm sorry "fan") who asks to host. Oh ho ho. True Fantasy, nudge nudge.

Macedonia: Rural commerce and cross country skiing for Macedonia. La Karolina comes on a-struttin in her dress, and she doesn't look as severe as she did at the Qualifier. It's now very cute as opposed to dramatic, and as anyone who saw her in 2002, Karolina is very good at dramatic. It also sounds a bit dated, as if it should've been in one of the mid-to-late Nineties contest.

Slovenia: Ice sculpture for Slovenia and Eva Gotar. The underlying theme this year seems to be one-upmanship as Eva Gotar basically one-ups La Karolina with a similar song. Interestingly enough very little has changed since Thursday, and if anything she's in better voice. The hand lighting action works excellently, as does the "Don't Cry for me, Slovenia" arm action. Virtually no Babic (nice guy, just a little bit hammy), so I'm very pleased on that front.

Hungary: Children enticing one another to injure themselves in the snow for Hungary. Magdi the Hellcat is also looking slicker (visually) since Thursday. She's still incomprehensible for 90% of the song. Her tanktop reads "Thank God I'm a V.I.P" with a Virgin Mary icon. Saucy Magdi, going full-tilt for the Tennessee Williams theme.

Lithuania: Computers and Finnish Introverts for a very introverted entry. Julija (or is it Dolores Riordan?) plays her guitar in front while the rest of the band plays behind a screen. (I'd be pissed if I was them.) Really not much else happens, not even in terms of expression on Julija's face. I said it before, I'll say it again, Sade would turn this out like nobody's business.

Greece: Swamp Soccer for Greece. Not much to add to that. Since Marija from Bosnia, is now "Maria," can we assume that Sarbel and his eyebrows are trying to pick her up? Sarbel is very flat and awkward, and I'm going to be kind her and say that it's nerves. The Sarbelettes however, are kicking ass and taking names. The instrumental break is almost comical as he almost virtually repeats what Sakis did in 2004. Oh, Sarbel, you mean well, but...

Georgia: Goth rock festival for Edyta II. The Mandalas start their spinning and Edyta II is still in her chorine gear. Wisely, they did not change a thing...except for some camera angles, as this is an entry that really works on close-ups and only a few wide shots, that was not a wise choice. The latter third with the fireworks and marching, however, bring it back into fighting form.

Sweden: Bizarre wedding drama for Sweden. Let's sum this up simply: I'm Ola Salo. I have a heart on my chest. Would you like to see me shake my heart? They told me to shake it long and hard. Minor-league plagarism--I mean inspiration from T-Rex. End of entry.

Ad break for TVE, and apparently we missed a comedy bit with the Fan. Oh pity.

France: Opera and metallurgy for France. This song is all about the deranged Picard in the pink jacket who cracks me up. I can actually see this being performed over the credits. This may very well be more of a dark horse than anyone else thought.

Latvia: Misbehaviour in the library for Latvia & FTS (see Qualifier review). Same damn top hats. Same damn waistcoats. Same damn dirge. I'm having a cigarette and a shot of rum in order to get through this entry. Beatriz isn't impressed either.

Russia: Dysfunctional family meal for Russia. The Silver Girls attack the stage and then go...kind of static in their slutty schoolgirl outfits. Gappy Silver is still doing most of the heavy lifting, but Blonde Silver and JLH Silver aren't slouching on their bits. They must've finally read the lyrics because they are slutting it up as much as possible without doing any choreography. The microphone stand dance break works, however.

Germany: Sauna action for Germany. Who's singing? Roger Cicero. How do I know? His name is all over the place. It's very laid-back and sexy, which will bridge the non-German speaking gap, I reckon. Slightly offtopic: Roger looks a lot like Lauris Reinks. I typed too soon, Roger has switched to something close to English for his somewhat rough ending.

Serbia: Nighttime cheerleading pranks for Serbia. marijia lang does her strut downstage and sings while the marijettes sulk behind her. Again, what is the appeal here? My interpretation of the lyrics suggest that she should be in the middle of a mental breakdown, not marching around in a healing circle. Excellent vocals, though. I do like the way she snuck in the heart on the hand.

Ukraine: Late Night Moomin & Santa for Ukraine. Bizarre meet bizarre. Verka shakes her thing and the Sprockets Boys do their go-go thing. I do like it, but I'm still befuddled as to how this became such a favourite to win the lot. It's trashy cute more than comedic. By the way, on Verka's back is "Seduchka 69." The sexual harrassment with the backing singers was an interesting touch. Beatriz is not impressed.

The Vowels tell us that we can vote after all the songs are over. Wow, like we haven't had that
power since 1998.

UK: The Old Man & The Lighthouse Party for the UK. Perhaps as an anglophone, the comedy comes across better here than with Ukraine. The Scoochers are in flight attendant outfits while the backing singers are for some reason in nighties. Say what you will, but you can't say that this year the UK blends in with the rest. It is very sugary pop, which is undeniably something that the UK does extremely well. (I think being after The Vowels will work in their favour.)

Romania: Webcam parenting for Romania. Beatriz has a chuckle explaining the multicultural aspects of the song. (I feel your pain, Beatriz.) Anyway, random men walk about warbling in English, Italian, Spanish, Russian, French, and Romanian. It looks rather cheap, like a foreign language teachers' talent show. They mean well, but usch. Four years ago, this would be a threat, but it just reeks of desperation in 2007.

Bulgaria: Ice-breakers for Bulgaria, which is appropriate since it's the first time they made it to the final. Not much change here, except that Elitsa's stage presence is 10 times bigger than on Thursday. Her warbling is also clearer and sharper. This is more of a performance piece than a song, and they know it. I do wish she'd interact with the cameras more, but quite honestly, their big fight was on Thursday.

Turkey: A tree made of steel bells for Turkey. Interpret as you see fit. The backing track is louder, thank god. Kenan proceeds to outdo Sarbel at his own game, and boy is he improved since Thursday. I can also scarily see this being performed over the credits, but I doubt it will be. Near the end, The Dogulettes try to catch up with him. Note to future entrants: A wink at the camera works.

Armenia: Text message proposal for Armenia. Beatriz mentions something about Hayko performing in New York, clearly it must've been low profile. Hayko has been trumpeted as one of the good-looking men of the contest. That speaks more of the sad state of male cheesecake in this contest rather than his good looks. Anyway, Hayko adequately sings a competent ballad accompanied by a tree, and it's not as dire as the preview would suggest, but it's no real shakes ultimately. The Armenian passage adds a lot to it, and I think it should've all been in Armenian.

Moldova: Moldovan postcard: "How to make horny teenage boys work for you." Ruslana-lite plays her violin while her flag dancers spin in the background. Personally, I find the flag dancers unintentionally hilarious. Seeing this in the same round as Finland is interesting as The Barbu comes off as more desperate, whereas Hanna came off as just plain moody. I can somewhat see this being performed behind credits, but along with TVM execs, I hope it isn't.

The Vowels tell us that it's all over. The songs, I mean. They bring on Santa Claus (the world's most famous Finn, according to them) to start the voting. Santa Claus apparently has a hunchback. Santa Claus harasses Daddy Svante, then does a comedy bit with a wooden box and a bell. Santa Claus also is wheezing like nobody's business.

Recap: Maria is earnest, Da NASH go all Paparizou, Not Dima thinks he's Greek, Dervish is death by nasal singing, Hanna is an introvert in an extroverted world, La Karolina is not Eva Gotar, Eva Gotar is still Goth Sex in Blue, Magdi the Hellcat is an incomprohensible VIP, 4Fun do not live up to their name, Sarbel better thank his stars for the Sarbelettes, Edyta II almost recreates the magic of Thursday, Ola Salo and his chest, The Pink Picard is still the funniest thing this year, Fuck that Latvian Shit, The Silver Girls are slutty and static, Roger Cicero wants you to really know his name, marija lang is vocally there, but fails to bring the crazy, Verka...kind of flat but still quirky, Scooch are still sugary sweet, Todomondo look like a bunch of drunk teachers, Elitsa & Stoyan do their performance piece, Kenan out-Sarbels Sarbel, Hayko brings looks and not much else, The Barbu thinks she's Ukrainian.

By the way, after each of the performance snippets, there was a live shot of that entry begging for the vote: marijia lang may not have brought the crazy onstage, but she looks like she really knows how to have a fun time. Elitsa & Stoyan and La Karolina are very very subdued by comparison.

Dammit it's the Fan, introducing us to the Eurofans.

The Vowels tell us to vote and rerun the Recap without the pleas for votes. I think Spain, Slovenia and France are even stronger than before, The Silver Girls' and Verka's chances are lessened by their performance, and marija lang may very well lead Serbia to sweep the lot. (I refuse to even think about FTS.) The UK looks like they will do very respectibly, from my view.
It is now 5 PM and I realise that the remaining 3 hours that TVE has scheduled will encompass the interval and voting. Scary, I tell you.

The Vowels lead us in a countdown to the end of voting. This pair earnestly likes their job.

Ad break for TVE. Well, I say "ad break," but it's more of a PSA break, because what else do you want to think about in the middle of a pop contest, but starving children.


And we're back in the middle of the interval watching a rock cello trio. Evil TVE. Eeeeevil.

The Fan harasses entrants in the Green Room. She talks to marija lang and it looks like a scene from But I'm A Cheerleader. The Fan is either overplaying her role or is flying on something chemical. She talks to the Greeks for too long, and then runs over to Ola Salo, who flirts with her.

The Vowels look very solemn as they prepare to announce the votes. (Male Vowel is wearing black. Read into that what you will.) Daddy Svante speaks in Finnish and tells us that the voting has gone well. Female Vowel (in off-white, she's no angel) starts the voting results.

Montenegro: Slovenia gets 8, Macedonia gets 10, Serbia gets 12. marija lang goes crazy. (She'll have to calm down or she'll get a heart attack.)
Belarus (it's a Stepford Wife!): Moldova gets the 8, Ukraine gets 10, Russia gets 12. Silver Girls go crazy, audience boos.
Armenia (she's trashy pretty): Greece gets the 8, Belarus gets the 10, Russia gets 12. Silver Girls are still happy.
Andorra (it's Marian van de Wal): France gets the 8, Romania gets the 10, Ukraine gets the 12. Verka subdued compared to marija lang.
Austria: Bosnia gets the 8, Turkey gets the 10, Serbia gets the 12. marija has calmed down...somewhat.
France (She's very pretty): Serbia gets the 8, Armenia gets the 10, Turkey gets the 12. Happy Turks.
Denmark: Hungary gets the 8, Turkey gets the 10, Sweden gets the 12. Happy Swedes (led by Christer Bjorkman)
Greece (he's serious, but he's also trying to speak Finnish): Russia gets the 8, Moldova gets 10, Bulgaria gets the 12. Bulgarians...on heroin?
Spain: Armenia gets 8, Bulgaria gets 10, Romania gets 12. Happy Romanian teachers.
Serbia: Bosnia gets 8, Macedonia gets 10, Hungary gets 12. Happy Hungarians.
Ukraine in the lead, followed by Serbia, and Russia. One point separating each of them.
Finland (It's Laura who was so wronged in Estonia back in 2002): Sweden gets 8, Hungary gets 10, Serbia gets 12. marijia's edging herself towards a heart attack.
Turkey: Russia gets 8, Bosnia gets 10, Armenia gets 12. Very happy Armenians.
Bosnia & Herzegovina (Spokeswoman being choked by flowers): Macedonia gets 8, Turkey gets 10, Serbia gets 12 (and the lead)
Belgium: Greece gets 8, somebody gets 10, Turkey gets 12.
Portugal (aww, Francisco looks sweet): Spain gets 8, Moldova gets 10, Ukraine gets 12. Happy trashy Verka & co.
Albania (he's been on the smack too): Bosnia gets the 8, Turkey gets 10, and Spain gets 12. Happy Da NASHers.
Romania: Hungary gets 8, Greece gets 10, Moldova gets 12. The Barbu & co. mug.
Cyprus (He's a suave one): Armenia gets 8, Bulgaria gets 10, Greece gets 12. Laid-back and content Greeks.
Croatia: Macedonia gets 8, Bosnia & Herzegovina gets 10, Serbia gets 12. marija, don't go too OTT or else your heart will give out!
Slovenia (Oh my god, what happened to Peter Poles?): Bosnia gets 8, Macedonia gets 10, Serbia gets 12. marija is calming down by making a phone call.
Israel (Hellooo, Jason): Russia gets 8, Ukraine gets 10, Belarus gets 12. (Not saying anything for fear of Men in black.)

TVE takes an ad break? Oh hell to the no. Oh, it saved us from some business with the Fan, I withdraw my complaint.

Germany (Oh Axel, you so crazy): Serbia gets the 8, Greece gets the 10, Turkey gets the 12. Turks waving flags solemnly.
Lithuania (who is bombing badly tonight along with the UK): Ukraine gets 8, Latvia gets 10, Georgia gets 12. Georgians celebrate cooly.
Norway: Hungary gets 8, Serbia gets 10, Sweden gets 12. Ola shakes his chest...a bit.
Switzerland (Is Sam Champion Swiss?): Bosnia gets 8, Turkey gets 10, Serbia gets 12. Serbia edges closer to winning on its "debut."
Czech Republic (Now here is solemnity): Serbia gets 8, Armenia gets 10, Ukraine gets 12. Verka & Co. now getting more excited.
Netherlands (I dare Paul to make a come on to Male Vowel): Serbia gets 8, Armenia gets 10, Turkey gets 12 (announced by Edsilia...now, that's class).
Ireland (which is also bombing badly, though Linda Martin isn't letting it show): Ukraine gets 8, Latvia gets 10, Lithuania gets the 12, ironically putting Ireland in last place.
Malta: Serbia gets 8, Belarus gets 10, UK gets 12. Very Very happy Brits.
Estonia: Ukraine gets 8, Latvia gets 10, Russia gets 12. Silver Girls mend bridges with glee.
Georgia: Belarus gets 8, Ukraine gets 10, Armenia gets 12.
Bulgaria (She's stoned...or nervous): Armenia gets 8, Macedonia gets 10, Greece gets 12. Sarbel & co. party.
Sweden (Helloooo Swedish spokesman): Hungary gets 8, Serbia gets 10, Finland gets 12. Hanna is demure and graceful.
Ukraine (She's having a good time): Georgia gets 8, Russia gets 10, Belarus gets 12. Kirkorov waves regally in the background.
Russia: Ukraine gets 8, Armenia gets 10, Belarus gets 12. Not Dima makes a rock gesture.

The Serbian train continues on with Bulgaria in 5th.

Latvia (I think he's done porn): Belarus gets 8, Lithuania gets 10 (that's very neighbourly), Ukraine gets 12. Verka pumps her fists.
Iceland: Hungary gets 8, Sweden gets 10, Finland gets 12. Hanna makes a rock gesture more genuine than Not Dima's.
Poland (He thinks he's presenting the news): Serbia gets 8, Armenia gets 10, Ukraine gets 12. Verka thanks the Poles demurely.
Moldova (boy, they are having a rough time at TVM): Russia gets 8, Belarus gets 10, Romania gets 12. The Romanians don't care.

Serbia still chugs along with a token threat by Ukraine.

UK: Ukraine gets 8, Greece gets 10, Turkey gets 12. (None to Ireland, preserving Ireland's last place.)
Macedonia (Risteska looks kind of rough, her voice, however is in good shape): Bulgaria gets 8, Turkey gets 10, Serbia gets 12.
Beatriz is getting kind of irked at the moment. I don't blame her.
Hungary: Romania gets 8, Bulgaria gets 10, Serbia gets 12.

marija lang wins the lot! (And try to carry off The Fan with them.)

If we're being technical, they won on their "debut," which makes them the first ever country to win on their debut. (Arched eyebrow.)

The Big 4 didn't do at all well, and I really sense a storm on the horizon. (Ireland also came in dead last.)

The Vowels do their best stalling as marija & the marijettes try to make it to the stage.

Beatriz is non-plussed and my already high admiration of her rises more by the second.

marijia enters the stage like Rocky Balboa, and can you blame her? It's odd, I really like her, I just can't stand the orchestration of the song, or the staging.

Comedy moment: marija walks into the audience just as Santa Claus prepares to hand over the trophy to her.

marija says "THANK YOU EUROPE!" and I realise that the rest of the block alloted by TVE for Eurovision will be a post-show, a very bitchy one, I suspect.

Well, there it is. Molitva performed over the credits, and I'm kind of "eh" about it.

Eurovision 2007: Some Light Qualifier Analysis

Just my own take on it.

• Bulgaria: Drums are like crack for the Eurovision voter. Add on wailing, a synth background, and you're already in the final.
• Belarus: The "I want to have sex with him" vote with some help from the fact that this is the first decent entry from the only (gagged and whipped repeatedly by mysterious men in black while Zsa Zsa Gabor in drag cackles in the background) in Europe.
• Georgia: She brought it. The performers used the stage effectively. They deserved their place. Think about it this way: Alanis Morrissette still sells records.
• Moldova: I have no idea. Perhaps the "I want to have sex with her" vote, or the Ruslana Edition of the Erener playbook is still valid.
• Serbia: Still don't get why people are going batshit crazy over this droning ballad, but qualifying was a foregone conclusion, and wisely marijia lang's crew didn't throw in the low-rent circus behind her like they did at Beovizija. (That said, I just hummed Prava Stvar during the entire performance to keep me from passing out.)
• Macedonia: La Karolina was good, but she wasn't that good. For different reasons, this was a foregone conclusion as well. Honestly, I'd like to see the Macedonians get through one year without any suspicion. I don't think this year's scoreboard will say that this is that year.
• Hungary: I'm watched it again this morning, and honestly, it's alright. Yes, she has an excellent voice, but for me that's marred by atrocious annunciation. (I know the blues aren't about diction, but we'd like to know why you're angry and calling someone a "casual man" doesn't cut it.) It's well-staged and minimalist with a bit of agitprop theatre (because we have no idea what you're singing about otherwise), yet it only works within context of the songs performing this year. A semi-lucky break.
• Slovenia: Goth sex in blue (in a year when damn near everybody chose red backdrops) combined with diva worship. 'Nuff said.
• Turkey: I'm shocked that the Erener playbook is still valid. It's a great song, but the backing track sounded muffled to me and that limited my ability to engage with it. The Dogulettes were a nice touch, but it didn't have that extra spark for me in terms of performance. Sibel, I understood. This, I'm suspicious.
• Latvia: I. Have. No. Fucking. Clue. I can only guess the lobotimised were voting.

In respect to the Western Europe shutout, I think two things need to happen:

1. Western Europe has got to get serious and perhaps just do internal selections (unless you're Nordic) for a few years, and send the anointed on as many tours of the Balkans & Baltics as possible, since familiarity apparently probably does not breed contempt amongst the Eastern televoters.
2. We've got to go back to 50/50 between televoting and jury (it's a pop contest not human rights, since as many American voters know now, it doesn't quite work when applied to politics). All those Qualifiers may very well had gotten in based on merit, but the appearance suggests otherwise, and in this day in age, the appearance counts more than the content in modern society including Eurovision.

An addendum to the Eurovision article I wrote for AfterElton this week: Eurovision.tv is offering the Qualifier on demand, so you don't have to sacrifice sleep to get your Euro-fix.

A tale of 2 Newspapers

Pridefest in Chelsea.

Gay City News: It Ain't Happening

The Blade: It Might Be Happening (if we really really wish it to be so with all the candy drop hopes that we have)

Eurovision 2007: The Qualifier...What the Hell was that?

A foreword: I do not like having to avoid spoilers. So trying to keep myself in the dark while waiting for the 10:30 airing of this year's qualifier was hard as hell. However, this scheduling allowed for a full Thursday night prime time viewing, (Ugly Betty & Eurovision, a good combo in my view) so it all works out quite well in the end.

On with the Finnish.

TVE speaks with all accents. That's nice.

Very brief psychedelic opening promising "True fantasy" and then BANG we're in the Hartwall.
Some woman holds a globe looking all moody, and I am happy to hear Beatriz again. (Go, Reina!)

This leads into a tango in the snow. Jari's entry in 2004 explains the logic behind this.

The beat boxing man on stilts? The slightly menacing clowns? I'm just guessing the drugs are good in Helsinki.

Lots of flowers on the stage screens. (Yes, the drugs are good apparently.)

Our hosts are Jaana (woman) & Mikko (male). I'm calling them the Vowels. I like the Vowels, they are perky without being off-putting, casual without being slumpy, and they are not Sakis & Grace. On the other hand, I see little chance of this lot becoming a car crash like Sakis & Grace.

Both of the vowels do equal bilingual lifting. You go on with your bad Finnish selves.

Bulgaria: These postcards are very quirky and quick scenes from Finland. Bulgaria gets a muscle man. I'm happy. Bang! We've got the Water people from Bulgaria. I don't what it is with Eurovision and drums, but I tell you, put drums and techno and it's like crack to the Eurovision fans. Anyway, Elitsa walks around doing some mix of singing and nasal wailing. The thing is, it's impressive nasal wailing with a wind machine. Very sly. Not much choreography, but can you blame them? If I had to beat drums and wail on key, I wouldn't want to be bothered with kicks and jazz hands. By the way, this song is all about Elitsa.

Israel: Ski-jumping is the Israeli postcard. Oh, those wacky Finns. Lots of close-ups of Kobi, but since he's rather attractive in a sexy brain way I'm not complaining. I can see why they were miffed about the shots since the Dr. Strangelove feel of the video is rather lost. The Packs just look like a bizarre busker band. The Hebrew rap sequence, however, is their own fault. It's like someone took Moldova's 2005 performance and crossed it with PingPong in 2000. Lots of Israeli flags at Hartwall.

Cyprus: Camping for The Diki (very appropriate when you think about it). The Diki comes onstage with that certain smile of assurance that comes with knowing your shit. Her bassist has clearly been in the East Village. The Diki is really working this hard and it works for me, but I wonder just how messed up her back is going to be after performing this: arch here, move to the left, move to the right. Controversial statement here: The Diki is giving the crazy that La Vissi should've brought last year. The song makes you wish it was longer...always a good thing.

Belarus: Jetskis for Not Dima. (Draw your own conclusion.) Two severe looking women in black accompany Not Dima who is really working his Sakis angle. After going for batshit crazy for the past few years, the Belarussians have discovered sex appeal and Sprockets. Ooh, there's a gimmick! Stick the severe women on a wall. Has Not Dima been chained to a tanning bed? He looks extremely orange. And I guess he wasn't accompanied solely by severe looking women, as it turns out some of them were men.

Iceland: Water-skiing for Eirikur and his no-hoper. It's all very Celtic-looking onstage as Eirkur wails his cliches. He does not look as old as he did on the Nordic preview shows. That said, I much prefer his backing band from a libidic standpoint. It's all a bit 1993 though. I will give him credit, however, he performs the living daylights (pun intended) out of it. He just should've kept it in Icelandic.

Georgia: Cross-country skiing for Sopho. (Kind of makes sense.) Lots of Mandalas onstage for Sopho, who is dressed like a 1920's chorine, while her backing dancers are in military-inspired gray. I am so LOVING THIS. It's multi-media, post-modern, and yet deeply rooted in tradition (note the sword fighting). Seriously, I'm just blown away by the visuals and the vocals. Sopho, I dub thee Edyta mk. II.

The Vowels again. They thank Georgia and welcome the Montenegrins, Serbians, and Czechs. And "back to business." The Vowels don't play.

Montenegro: Cooking and Finnish kitchen drama for Montenegro. (I feel your pain.) Stevan is dressed like it's 1991 (though his hair is straight Jesse Camp...those who watched MTV in the mid nineties know what I mean), his song is from 1987, and his backing singers think it's 1891. This is ridiculously dated no matter which way you slice it. If this were not 2007, I would be all over this, but there's no comment being made by the dated style. There's a drum break, but Stevan doesn't wail, so it's only good will that can save his kilted butt.

Switzerland: Raking leaves for Bobo. Bobo is dressed like a reject from Dune, and his backing dancers are straight out Strange Days. Bobo is too calm for a song that is supposed to be slightly menacing. In fact when he starts dancing it becomes extremely cute. That is not a good tact to take when you are singing about vampires. I really think the mannequins were a horrid idea as it's very blatant when everybody else onstage is dancing. You know what this reminds me of? That Starship song from Mannequin. Ooh Bobo, you aren't supposed to revive that.

Moldova: Helsinki at night for The Barbu. I guess she does look like a streetwalker, although low-rent Ruslana comes first to my mind. Instead of two-steps and whips, we have flags and violins. Anyway, The Barbu wails, her backers flail, and it's kind of "power to the people" light. Still I was hoping for some agitprop like the video. I will give The Barbu credit, she gave the best performance of it I've heard.

Commercial break for those who have it. We have a montage of the artists' week. I thought I was Kirkorov-free, but there he is mugging to the camera with Not Dima. True fantasy? I think not.

The Vowels talk about the fact that this is the 4th time we've had a Qualifier. No shit. They know it's filler, especially Female Vowel.

Netherlands: Snowboarding. O...kay. La Rombley is all wrapped up in women in white. She is fortunately not wearing a lampshade, though she is sadly not singing in Dutch. The Romblettes fling their hair about and do cheerleader positions, but not La Rombley. She is staying as diva-esque as she can, complete with wink. Oh, there's a male Romblette doing a somersault. He's gone in no time at all. Come back, male Romblette.

Albania: Rural comedy and folk music for the Hairpiece & Co. I think this is secretly an advert for a wig company, because Aida's hair is FAKE. The Hairpiece is wearing a more believable rug, which takes some of the comedy out of it. Aida looks like a deranged pageant contestant, while The Hairpiece drones like he's in a bad telenovela. Visually, this is more interesting than I thought it would be, but not for the reasons they would like me to be interested in it. A slight car crash.

Denmark: Hockey? In a year when you have the Czechs debuting? Tsk tsk. DQ still looks like a peacock crossed with Bette Davis at first. Then he looks like a peacock crossed with Ann-Margret. The main problem here is the same that the Nordics had with it: there is no drama. I understand not wanting to take the obvious route, but seriously, you're a drag queen. Give us some bitchy agitprop along with the synth, fans, and costume changes.

Boy, this show is moving fast!

Croatia: Bar girls and bar boys for Daddy Topic & Dragonfly. This song would drive me to drink too. That funky start is so evil because it promises more than it can deliver. Daddy Topic manages to stay upright, but let's be honest, the real star here is the blonde singing co-lead. I really would like to hear the song totally handled by her. Nonetheless, Daddy Topic does decently, although not spectacular.

Poland: School for Poland...I don't think they've learned their lesson yet. Sasha is in a cage with her whores (dressed by last year's Belarussian entry), while David and his whores thrust about. You'd think it'd work, and it could...if they only decided they wanted '90s pastiche or '20s pastiche. One or the other, but not both.

Serbia: Pensioners at the park playing with coins. Appropriate for this song. Marija walks up a la k.d. lang and sings. The Marijettes join her in dramatic poses. Nothing else really happens, but dramatic poses and Marija getting consoling gestures. The simplicity makes it very revolutionary for this show. Still don't care that much for the song though. The fans go crazy as expected.

Czech Republic: Skateboarding? Someone effed up with the postcards, I tell you. Kabat basically perform a better version of Eirikur's song, but it's not as visually arresting. In their case, simplicity is not needed. They are really feeling it, and it kind of makes me wish I liked it more. Perhaps if the singer had a louder voice, the emotion would really come across. Fortunately, those go-go girls are g-g-gone.

Portugal: Biking and milk for Portugal, now there's a genuine connection. Now this song has come along a big way since the Portugese final. Appropriately they went for a Strictly Come Dancing/Dancing with the Stars feel with the fans and ballroom dancing couple. It is still very cute as opposed to sultry, even when switching languages (which is seamless by the way). Gratuitous butt shot of the male dancer!

Macedonia: The growth of a musical child for Macedonia. Just put a yo-yo and say what we're all thinking. La Karolina comes out in her non-warrior gear while the taxi dancers have disappeared and replaced by modern dancers. Karolina does another language switch, and it's seamless as well, but there is no real oomph like her previous entry. Sopho schooled you, girl.

Random advert for movies on TVE-I. Deny me my Beatriz at your own peril, although I suspect I didn't miss that much "true fantasy."

The Vowels thank Lordi and thank the volunteers. Um, while I'm obviously all for the glory and pride of work...this is filler, and you guys have 28 songs. After a montage, they remind us of the numbers.

Norway: Face-painting...(oh, you're so naughty, YLE postcard people) and soccer. Guri/Geri does her slinky moves like she's in Chicago and it's competent...but disingenious, especially after Portugal did the same thing earnestly. I'm with Thomas Lundin on this one (why copy when Norway already has its own distinct sound?) Impressive costume changes though.

Malta: The Finnish shipping industry for Malta. (Now that's a good connection!) Will Olivia be running the 200m dash onstage? Nope, she'll have shirtless men banging gongs and playing violins while dressed in Chinese chic. The camera shots were well chosen as I certainly get vertigo from looking at them. More fans though, and I'm beginning to think this will be a recurring theme this year. It's very dramatic and god-help-me, I actually care about the Maltese entry. Well-done.

Andorra: Kids in the forest for Andorra. (Very good job, YLE postcard people.) Anonymous attack the stage, and it's a sad state of affairs if that's the first time I'm using that expression tonight. Lots of numbers onstage and while that doesn't quite bring home the ecological message of the song, it is just the sort of visual overload that the song needed. Damn good job, and I'm surprised that there's no mosh pit happening in the audience.The non-blond members of Anonymous actually sell it better than the lead, who looks a touch stiff.

Hungary: Mud field hockey for Magdi the Hellcat and Hungary. Said Hellcat sultry walks towards a bus stop with luggage, because this song is all about baggage (even if you can't understand a damn word she sings). I'm surprised that this is the song that brings the agitprop theatrics. Magdi the Hellcat has her crazy moments, so I'm satisfied. Well-performed--even though pretty much no Anglophone understood what she was singing.

Estonia: Aww, kids dancing for Not Pink/Not Sharon Osbourne. Not Pink/Not Sharon has the wind machine at full blast while her chorus boys fling themsleves about in the background. Now I think the idea is translate the lyrics into dance, but the Gerli-Boys are so not called for. Not Pink/Not Sharon can damn well sell the song herself, and it is a good one at that.

Belgium: Canoeing for the KMGs, and I get the connection here as it could very well be a rough ride upstream for them. Nice, a mirrorball! Lots of rainbows for the KMGs and the lead singer is pretty much on-key on a song that callas for lots of falsetto. The only problem here is that there's not much movement, and as anyone who has ever seen Earth, Wind, and Fire in action knows that they are all about the line dancing. (I am not going to mention the resemblance between the lead singer of the KMGs and a certain American Idol contestant, but yes, it's a very close one.)

Slovenia: Acrobatic living for (sexy) Slovenia. Will we be Babic free? I hope so. Alenka is all gothed up like a certain other famed Slovene Eurovision entrant. Alenka is clearly using her performance for her audition reel to play Eva Peron. Ooh! Blue lights. Damn, we're not totally Babic free as he's singing backup. Well, Alenka is clearly going gangbusters here and it is working with me. Beatriz sighs "Alenka Gotar." I really want to do some tequila slammers with La Pecker.

Turkey: Village life for Kenan. Clearly taking a note from the Erener playbook, Kenan has belly dancers/backing singers, but for some reason is dressed like a matador. I'm not quite buying him as a sex symbol, but he is much better than I thought he'd be. It is very "Every Way That I Can" mk. II though. That said, it's kind of weak..even with the fire.

Austria: Snowmobiling for Austria. It's very quaint and cute...unlike the entry. Erik emerges from a huge HIV/AIDS ribbon while Ricky Gervais plays guitar? Ok, who's been at the pipe at ORT? The Ribbon morphs into backing singers/dancers last seen in The Birdcage. Now, Erik does a good job with this but the song has too many quiet moments before kicking things into high gear. If it weren't for The Rounder Girls, Austria would still be on it's jazz/soul kick and we would've be saved from undedeveloped Austri-rock.

Latvia: Boating for the Latvians, and god I wish this lot would get on one and leave the rest of us alone. One by one the eejits come out in their jeans, waistcoats, and top hats. Can I say anything of note about this entry? Well, it sounds like a reject from an anime album...in 1986. Yeah, yeah, you're singing in Italian, now vaffan questa notte!

The Vowels come back and tell us "that's it." (And what a shitty ending.) The Vowels and the audience do the countdown in Finnish. I like The Vowels.

Recap: Bulgaria wails and it works, The Teapacks get shafted by the cameras, The Diki throws her back out but doesn't let it show, Not Dima thinks he's Sakis Rouvas, Eirikur should've left it in Icelandic, Edyta mk.II kicks everybody's ass, Stevan is stuck in a time warp, Bobo falls flat on his face, The Barbu thinks she's Ruslana, La Rombley should've left it in Dutch, The Hairpiece & co. forget that they aren't the entertainment for Miss Albania, DQ fails to bring the drama along with the feathers, Daddy Topic vs. Dragonfly (not featuring), Poland doesn't know what song to sing, Marija keeps it simple...k.d. lang style, Kabat mean well, but..., Sabrina is earnest minus oomph, La Karolina doesn't quite build on her success, Guri dances with the stars in her mind, China makes Malta get veritgo, Anonymous kick ass although they forget the message, Magdi the Hellcat brings Tennessee Williams to Eurovision, Damn Gerli Boys, KMGs forget that EWF line dances, Alenka Peron in blue with little Babic (thank god), Kenan the Matador, Erik dances with red ribbons and it's quaint, those damn Latvians.

The Vowels introduce us to the Euroclub which seems to be a dance club set up just for the Contest. They are trying to make Helsinki's Euroclub look like it's in Monte Carlo, and I just don't buy it. The Vowels then run the recap again. I guess they really alloted more time than needed.

The Vowels hype the DVD and CD very briefly as they countdown the seconds like PAs on breakfast television.

No interval for TVE-I, as the jump cut with the hypercaffeniated Male Vowel suggests. Male Vowel catches La Rombley equally hyper. Sabrina...not so hyper, partly to the dismay of Male Vowel, since she's killing his buzz, so he goes straight to the preview for the Finalists.

I can't add on much to the preview, but this year looks like a real tossup, except that the Silver Girls are serious dark horses, and I'm happy they're using the better video for Ukraine.

"Moment of truth" as Female Vowel puts it. (Wow, Daddy Svante is kind of scary.) A trio of female roller skaters bring the names of the qualifiers.

And the qualifiers are:

3: Belarus (Not Dima and Kirkorov lose their minds.)
6: Macedonia (Not as crazy as the Belarus)
7: Slovenia (Babic goes crazy)
8: Hungary (Magdi the Hellcat goes crazy...thank god)
11: Georgia (Sopho & co. are understated crazy)

Male Vowel messes with the viewers and audience.

14: Latvia (Fuck that shit! That's about the only charitable way I can put it.)
17: Serbia (marijia lang goes crazy...although her qualification was pretty much expected.)

Male Vowel likes being sadistic with the audience. I really like him now. (I'm still calling him Male Vowel, though.)

21: Bulgaria (Elitsa hugs Stoyan.)
22: Turkey. (The male backing singer wags his tongue at the camera. I shake my head in disbelief.)
24: Moldova (Huh? Ruslana-lite? I'm with the booing audience.)

Western Europe shut out, and The Diki and Anonymous were ROBBED big time. Expect an OGAE civil war.

Eurovision 2007: It's That Week, Here's the Schedule

...and I am recovering from a nasty bug that basically derailed me all last week. (All those sarky comments? I was clutching my stomach and slurping Pedialyte through them. Now that I'm on some sort of sadistic bananas, rice, and applesauce diet, pretty much everybody short of the Belgians, Russians, Spaniards, and Ukrainians is going to get the short end of the stick.)

Now TVE-I is being a bit funny with the scheduling, but from what I can gather the Qualifier will be on at 10:30 Thursday night here in New York and the Final Round will be airing at 3 PM on Saturday.

They know their audience, don't they?

Eurovision 2007: The Blogs

Dot Eurovision has a great round up of the blogs doing the rounds in Helsinki, one of which is Olivia Lewis's own blog. It is not as cloying as the notion of a Maltese Eurovision entrant's blog may sound, in fact reading Olivia's day in the army is actually a bit amusing.

Eurovision 2007 Preview Review: T is for Turned Out, U is for Unique

Look for the final shakedown after these last three.

Turkey: What happens when you put Ricky Martin in the middle of a Justin Timberlake video? Kenan, of course. Now when Kenan was first announced as the Turkish entrant, I took a listen and a look at Cakkidi, and LOVED it; it was all very macho, sexual, defiant, without being off-putting. This...is not that. Instead, we have Kenan doing a two step in front of a wall while various women lick their lips and shake their things. (And why is everything tinted green?) It's actually kind of prudish in a way. The new mix of the song, however, is a great improvement. One of the better videos this year.

Ukraine: They are not using the new video, which is already a strike against them in my book, but that's nullified by the fact that I do like the song. Anyway, Verka shimmies, Verka does the watusi, Verka does the milkshake, Verka wishes Russia goodbye, all in...bacofoil? At least we all know what we're getting.

United Kingdom: Live performance. (Things tight over at Auntie?) I'm sure the men of Scooch are decent guys, but the way the camera is hitting them makes them look rat-faced. That aside, we have the rats & lasses in flight attendant uniforms pushing trolleys and flags around. Undeniably campy, and so...innoculous (even with the double entendres). Score-wise, it's going to do better than how many think it will, but I wouldn't be surprised if they get a reception like the Lithuanians got in Athens.

And now (drumroll) the top 5:

1. Georgia (Meditative and energetic at the same time)
2. Hungary (We love the hellcats on fire here on this part of the internet)
3. Turkey (If I gave points there would be significant gap between the top 2 and here)
4. Russia (Those girls look stylish even if they have no clue what they're singing about)
5. (tie) Romania (As cloying as it is, it's still a damn effective video)/Slovenia (effective for better reasons)

Special note: Had Ukraine used the new video, then they'd be tied with Magdi "I'll cut ya" Rusza for 2nd.

Eurovision 2007 Preview Review: N is for Nicer than Nice, P is for Playing it Safe, R is for Ridiculous, S is for Sex

(You know where to find them.)

Netherlands: It's a live performance, but not necessarily the "Songfestival" one. For some strange reason, the announcer speaks in Dutch accented English as he announces La Rombley. Lots of close ups, and the crowd looks like they are into it, but include me as part of the group that said she should have kept it in Dutch, as the performance lacks a certain something. La Rombley, like La Karolina (but interestingly enough, not like The Diki) suffers from comparison with her previous entry which was much more energetic and grabbing.

Norway: MGP performance, so I guess NRK is pinching pennies. In the hands of Geri Halliwell, this might be a cute camp tune, but Guri (who is very polished and very theatrical) performs this too earnestly. I'm with the Thomas Lundin (the Finnish Swede curmudgeon of the Nordic panel) who said that with all talent in Norway, why would they pick a Latin knock off tune written by a Swede? It's too calculated and premise to be all that enjoyable.

Poland: Are we already in the first stages of an early 90s revival? Jiminy Cricket! Anyway, The Vengaboys...I mean, The Jet Set (A Brit & A Russian representing Poland) seem to be doing two songs that are smashed together with no rhyme nor reason. The first one is 20s patistche, the other one is something from the La Bouche back catalogue. No real story here in the video except that we must see Sasha shake her busom as often as possible, and David must show as much sternum and arms as possible (not that I'm complaining about the latter). Now, Charlotte "Amanda LePore" Perrelli was calling this "porno shock," but it's relatively tame in my view. (If you could handle Like A Virgin, then this is a piece of cake.) That said, it's not all that interesting to watch--although more interesting than the 2 which preceded it.

Portugal: National final performance. (RTP cash-strapped, surely you jest?) I've read up on this style of music (pimba) and apparently it's all double entendres. So Sabrina is asking the viewers at home to sleep with her and have a good time. (Not as witty as proclaiming that you're a doll of wax and sound who likes lollypops, but mildly sly.) The Nordics trashed the dress, but, let's be honest here, Rita Guerra is the only Portugese entrant who was stylish, and at least Sabrina isn't as poorly dressed as Nonstop were in Athens. Up against Norway, this is the better "Latin" song, because it is genuine. As for the staging...well, there needs to be something added beyond Sabrina swaying her arms and the dancing couple in the background. I mean, why can't Sabrina interact with the dancers?

Romania: I hate this song. I really really hate this song. I hate it even more now that it's the first one in this lot to have an interesting video. Anyway, the Mondos do a good job of incorporating the lyrics with images on the screen (Earth, newspaper graphics, images of the UK for the English portion, italian iconography for the Italian parts, etc.). Dammit, this video is good, but why does it have to be such an acrid song?

Russia: From complete fusion of song with video to none at all. The disconnect between the song and the video is rather appropriate here since I really believe the Silver Girls have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what they are singing about. It's a bunch of lights, silhouettes, and close-ups. Doing the most of the work is Gappy Silver who seems to sing everything by herself save for the chorus, while Blonde Silver, and Jennifer Love Hewittska Silver pout in the background. (Cushy jobs.) Nonetheless, if you are singing about money and lesbian anal-sex double entendres, then you could at least show something other than moody looks at the camera. Since I like the song and video (even if it is nonsensical), I rate it slightly higher than Romania. (Do you think The Mondos could pull off that Justin Timberlake dance break with the same panache? I don't think so.) Video #1, it isn't quite.

Serbia: Aka the song that most of the OGAE fanclubs are going crazy for (and I have no idea why). Beovizija performance (if RTCG sprang for a video, then you could too, RTS). Now, let's examine the elements here: a bunch of circus performers in the background cavorting about, and woman singing wearing a pink Ramones t-shirt. Apparently Marija thought "I Wanna Be Sedated" should be taken literally (or else she has NO IDEA what The Ramones sounded like). As I have said often on this piece of the internet, I think ballads should bleak, depressing, and make you feel that life is not worth living. Lyrically, with lines like "it seems I'm losing my mind/as I don't even notice reality/I still love you/I still trust you blindly" this ought to be right up my alley. So why isn't it? Marija is performing it too perky and optimistically as if she's Little Orphan Annie waiting for the sun to come out. Perhaps the staging is supposed to represent her psychosis, and Marijia is channeling Natalie Wood in the penultimate scene from Inside Daisy Clover, but nonetheless, there's a big disconnect between the performer and the text here. (At least The Silver Girls have a glimmer of realisation that they are supposed to be sexy. Does Marija know that she's supposed be crazy? Is she not looking at the absurdity all around her?) Oh well.

Slovenia: Sex! Opera! Sex! Opera! Before I launch into this review, I would like to take a moment to congratulate the Slovenes on always coming up with great videos that are as good (cf. 2001 and debatably 2003) or better than (cf. every year other than 2001 or 2003) the song themselves (except for 2004 where they they took the easy way out). Much to the Nordics' horror, this video pulls no punches in getting the message across as to what Alenka means when she's talking about her Southern flower (It's like the polar opposite of the Russian video when you think about it.) : Alenka is in that post-coital mode when you have experenced such great ecstasy and are looking forward to "next round," but know that it will be a long wait until it happens again. I think it's quite tasteful, personally, without being tawdry. The video, however, is several notches above the song itself.

Spain: I guess we really are in a 90s revival, since D'NASH (D'What?) have a video that seems to be straight out of the New Mickey Mouse Club. I'm trying to figure out the connection between the security cameras and the black & white colour scheme, but I reckon there is none. Now here is a masterclass on how to pull off sultry looks without looking like you're sleepy (are you taking notes Silver Girls?). The D-boys float around, dance around, shake around, and skip around while professing their love to some unknown being. (Gay vague, these guys know which strengths to play to.) It's not as powerful as it could be, but given that the performance at the final promises throw everything but the kitchen sink at the audience (although I hope they lose the damn string), I hold out hope. Mildly effective video though.

Sweden: You must be kidding me! SVT didn't kick in for a totally new video? Oh that's just wrong all over. What we have is clips of The Ark's MF-ing performance interspersed with backstage clips of what life is like when you're a successful Swedish band. (The lesson here: it takes A LOT of work to make Ola Salo glam.) Now that I've heard Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes, the simularities are very...interesting, if I can be a bit diplomatic about it. (Personally, I wish they had been more influenced by Vehicle, but that's just me.)

Switzerland: Here's someone who expects to do well on the charts (if not the scoreboard, though I think it's totally making it to the final) based on the video. Bobo is not a good looking man, and yet, you could completely buy him as a vampire. The video is very very lush and expensive (it damn well better be since since this is Switzerland). That said, it is pretty much a literal translation of the song, which in this particular case, is the only viable option: Bobo is a vampire, Bobo is out for new blood, Bobo proclaims Vampire pride, Bobo's vampire posse has a dance break in the streets. One question, why is Bobo getting sole billing when the woman singing the chorus does a fair amount of heavy lifting as well?

Next time: T is for Turned Out, U is for Unique.

Eurovision 2007: My Fellow Curmudgeons

Since I don't live in a Nordic country nor get Nordic television, the Nordic Preview shows for this year's Eurovision almost flew right past me.

I stress "almost."

Esctoday's Charlotte Jensen is recapping them and I tell you what...these Nordic commentators are brutal! (And I love them for it.)

Amongst those on the panel (Nordic in this case means Denmark, Finland, Iceland, and Sweden) are Charlotte Perrelli (aka Charlotte Nilsson who shook her busom to success in 1999) and Eirikur Hauksson who is representing Iceland this year and is literally rating his competition on a scale of 0-5 points. (He promises not give any zero points, but he sure as hell is giving his fair share of 1 pointers.)

One of the big ironies about these preview shows is that apparently several previous commentators had been sacked for being too negative. I shudder to imagine what they were like as this group is hardly upbeat about this year's semi-finalists.

(The other big irony--in my view--is that Charlotte "Amanda LePore" Perrelli has apparently gone all prudish and what have you.)

Some samplings of the "curmudgeonry:"

• On Slovenia: Charlotte Perrelli, Sweden: Sick.... It makes me sick. I’ll puke - so bad is this. It is pervert (sic) to see her as lead character in this porn session. Why not use a stand in and then she would be able to stand next to and sing? I don’t understand it. 0 points. (Lady, do you NOT remember a thing about your 1999 performance? --Hikaru) Thomas Lundin, Finland: She is a music teacher and I can’t stop thinking about her students who will see her like this. It must be horrible. I don’t agree though that opera and Eurovision cannot be combined. I believe it can be a great combination when done right. Had there been half as much of everything then it would have been great. I do give it 2 points though.
• On Austria: Thomas Lundin, Finland: This is Austria in a nutshell. Every year they send professional singers who are good on stage, but their songs are always bad… almost every time, at least. It is the same here: a great artist with something you can barely call a composition. I wonder why the Austrian singers agree to this year after year. But he is professional though and 2 points for that.
  Adam Duvå Hall, Denmark: If it is an attempt to get rid of AIDS then it is rather effective as no one would wants to have sex to this song! It sounds like a demo-tape, a song that is not complete. It is really boring. But “put in on”, Europe, if you still want to roll around in the hay. 1 point. (Adam seems to define "boi."--Hikaru)
• On Denmark (aka kissing neighbourly ass, but not as much as with Iceland): Thomas Lundin, Finland: If you put a man in women clothes on stage in 2007 then you can't expect it to be a sensation, because it just isn't. Norway did it already in 1986, Slovenia in 2002. We have seen it before so it needs something else. The song is called Drama queen, but there is no drama in it. But Peter sings well and it is a good song. I give it 3, but hopes for more drama on stage in Helsinki as then it can be 4 points from me. Per Sundnes, Norway: I totally disagree. Sex-confusion is a natural part of the Eurovision Song Contest and Peter does it fantastic. He makes drag an every day thing and shows that every man can wear women clothes - including me. 5 points.
• On Poland: Thomas Lundin, Finland: I am feeling old and tired when I am watching this. Is this what young people do these days? I am really feeling with her dad who has to watch his daughter offering herself like that. Poor man! It might be new and good. I am giving it 2 points just to be sure. Please continue to the next one because I don't understand this. (And Thomas defines "cranky queen" --Hikaru) Adam Duvå Hall, Denmark: "Dear Europe, will you please come to our party? Love, Poland". No thanks, I will stay home. 0 points. Charlotte Perrelli, Sweden: I might have liked it in another context, because it is quite ok. But I don't think Europe is ready for this porno shock. We don't know how it will be on stage, but I don't think it will work.. 2 points.
• On Croatia (lest I give you the false impression that Eirikur isn't giving the Paris is Burning-style shade as well) : Adam Duvå Hall, Denmark: I will let the song speak for itself. 0 points.
  Charlotte Perrelli, Sweden: It makes me sick. I am trying to listen to it, but I can't. Get it away! It is the worse I have ever heard! 0 points. Eirikur Hauksson, Iceland: Well I have promised not to give zero points to any of my competitors, but it is becoming quite tempting. 1 point.

The majority of the panelists didn't like Sopho, so I already think they've been smoking some wacky herring already, but it's a hilarious read nonetheless.

It's Labour Day

Note the spelling, this is the international one I'm referring to.

The question we must ask ourselves on this particular day is this: What have we done to make sure that everybody gets a fair shake worldwide?

As for US, I quote from SP-USA's statement of principles:

THE SOCIALIST PARTY strives to establish a radical democracy that places people's lives under their own control - a non-racist, classless, feminist socialist society...where working people own and control the means of production and distribution through democratically-controlled public agencies; where full employment is realized for everyone who wants to work; where workers have the right to form unions freely, and to strike and engage in other forms of job actions; and where the production of society is used for the benefit of all humanity, not for the private profit of a few

Eurovision 2007 Preview Review: I is for Irksome, L is for Laconic, M is for Mealy

Want to see these? Go to Eurovision.tv.

Iceland: Iceland is pretty...very pretty (in a bleak David Lynch way). The same can not be said of Eirikur who drives around rural Iceland in his vintage car, wailing about some sort of lost love amongst a whole bunch of other cliched notions that were best left behind in the Eighties. As rock ballads go, it's quite good, until you get to the visual part of it. Fortunately, the director chose to feature the landscape more than the singer. (Let's be honest here, he's not aged well.) Adequate job.

Ireland: The one saving grace of the dire Irish entries was that their preview videos if not bleak per se, were very darkly cynical interpretations. The current spate of Irish entries, however, have been so syrupy sweet that they make you want to check your mouth for tooth decay. This year is no different: happy multicultural children paint a portrait, while the Dervish drone on in the background in yet another round of cliched weather-related metaphors about perseverance. By the way, the woman singing is nearly incomprehensible to my ears.

Israel: Finally something cynical and funny! I'm guessing this is mostly the "Kdam" performance on display here, but since IBA's financial woes have been well-publicised, I don't blame them for being cheap. Gets the message (nuclear armageddon) across effectively, but no great shakes video-wise.

Latvia: National final performance (CHEAP!). Blah blah blah men in top hats. Blah blah blah singing in Italian. Blah Blah blah come back Arnis Mednis, all is forgiven.


Lithuania: LRT had a bit more money to spare so 4Fun has a bit of an original video, if not that much of an original song. (Sade would knock this out of the ballpark, the lead singer of 4Fun...not so much.) Interestingly, the relative anonymity of the rest of 4Fun is rather fascinating...for about 30 seconds. By the way, how short is this song?! It seemed like it was over right after starting.

Malta: Since I'm a cynical person, I would say that the video is a near ripoff of Tornero (Romania 2006) and Life Is (Macedonia 2004) with the whole "bizarre bazaar" chic, but at least we're not getting a tourist board advert for Malta. Anyway, Olivia runs away from or stalks a very swarthy good-looking man. It's all very hard to figure out, yet given the lyrics, I'd say that's the intended effect. Fair effort.

Moldova: Now we all know that Moldovan television was so hard up that they basically said that whoever represented them would basically be paying their own way. So I guess that either Natalia or her management company is flush with cash, since she has an original video. It starts out with bleak (boy, does that word apply a lot to this year's previews) shots of what I'm guessing is Chisnau while Natalia plays the violin. Then there's fire! A running mob of mid-level businessmen in ties! It seems to suggest that that Natalia is singing about fighting "the man," however this possible ode to worker's rights is interrupted by glamour shots of Natalia. Quite a misfire there, as I was actually beginning to change my opinion about this knock off of La Podolskaya's 2005 effort for Russia.

Montenegro: So you're a newly independent country and you have your first (legitimate) entry at Eurovision, what do you do for your preview video? You borrow heavily from Van Halen's I can't drive 55, Easy Rider, The Graduate, and practically all of Robert Palmer's solo efforts. Stevan & Co. motorcycle around Montenegro (which I will say is a great backdrop) like it's 1988. This is interspersed with shots of a woman in white (is she wearing a very trashy wedding dress or just hooker gear?) pouting. If Stevan looked like Robert Palmer, I'd forgive him somewhat, but he doesn't (think Constantine Maroulis if you're prurient, Jeff Palmer if you're not). Adequate but unbelievably dated for 2007.

Next time: N is for Nicer than you, P is for Playing it Safe, and R is for Ridiculous.

Eurovision 2007: Fools!

There is a new videoclip for "Dancing lasha tumbai" (aka "Dancing Russia Goodbye"), and I tell you it is yards better than the preview...even though the preview pretty much tells you what to expect on the 12th.

Eurovision 2007 Preview Review: F is for Fun Times, G is for Go On With Your Bad Self, and H is for Hellcat on Wheels

The Preview Critiques continue! (Watch the actual previews at Eurovision.tv)


Finland: Hanna is moody. Hanna is either smoking or in a very cold room. Hanna checks her makeup. From what I gather, this is her style of music, but she comes across as too precious to sing it...like Victoria Beckham covering Motorhead. It's an alright video, even if La Podolskaya did the East Village-chic to better effect in 2005 (although it was woefully inappropriate for the song). By the way, if I'm very indifferent on Hanna, it's because I was for Lovex at Euroviisut.

France: Granola rock comes to Eurovision and it's from France? The Singing Pony Tail and the Picards talk about his sexual conquest (in a British accent no less) in a pink room, while interpersed with photos and scenes with said conquest and peculiarly shots of them at the French National Final. The latter gives the song a bit of a Superstar (in the Neil Sedaka/Carpenters sense) feel. It's oddly endearing, but in the video stakes...it's no great shakes.

(FYR) Macedonia: National final performance!? After the brillant, atmospheric video Karolina had in 2002 this is a bit of a letdown. No warrior dress for her this time. Instead, La Karolina (I know the proper "La" is with her surname, but umbrellas are hard to do when you have to repeat the name several times) is wearing either hot pants or a miniskirt while talking about her "all." Meanwhile, her backing dancers limber up in the background. Now, understand that I like La Karolina when I say this, but...taken as a whole, it makes me wonder if the song is a tacit reference to Sweet Charity.

Georgia: Listen all you national broadcasters, little Georgia did a second all new video to coincide with the new songtitle. So ha! It starts out with a couple doing some modern dance moves on a hill. Then Sopho (the Caucasian Bjork if you will) looks all meditative while graphics swirl in the background. I. AM. LOVING. THIS. The dancing couple gets more aggressive in their moves as the music swells. With all these lush geographical shots, it almost seems like Miyazaki film come to life. Current front runner on Hikaruland for best preview video.

Germany: Live performance, but that's the standard German protocol with Eurovision previews. (Although, given the lyrics, I would love to see what they could do with an actual all-new video.) Anyway, Roger throws slightly smoldering glances and coolness while the band plays in the background. It does the job, but from the video standpoint: kinda so-so.

Greece: Greece does Grease. (And why is 2007 the first time they've thought of that connection?) "Danny" Sarbel looks at his "Sandy" and arches his eyebrow. (Meanwhile, I just roll my eyes.) Then they do You're The One That I Want 2007 version. It's very nicely done, just...corny.

Hungary: Magdi is PISSED! Oh, she is fit to be tied. Remember how La Vissi went balistic last year in the preview for Everything, Magdi tops that for one reason: she's going to destroy his place and doesn't care if she looks good while doing that. A close runner-up for preview of the year, as it really makes me curious as to what the performance on the night will be like.

Next time: I is for Irksome, L is for Laconic, and M is Mealy. (This might be a hard slog for all of them save for Israel.)

Eurovision 2007 Preview Review: B is for Bizarre, C is for Crazy, D is for Drag, and E is for EH?!

Better late than never, here are the next round of Eurovision previews, courtesy of Eurovision.tv.

Belarus: Probably one of the most lavishly done videos (I'm not saying a word about the irony of this being the Belorussian entry...not one) this year. Were it not for the slight singing accent of Dima Not Bilan (my god, you can actually understand what the Belorussians are saying), this could pass as the UK entry with all the James Bond-esque cinematography and a queen looking suspiciously like Elizabeth I (with kabuki maidens for some odd reason. It's Belarus, who said logic applies?). Not Bilan's handlers must've got the memo that he was looking too much like the real Bilan, because he now is trying to look like Sakis Rouvas--not a good idea as a certain Cypriot entrant in 2005 would attest to. Anyway, the storyline seems to be a retread of Snow White with a woman in a red dress trying to stay safe from Queen Bess/Maleficent. (Who cares if Maleficent is from Sleeping Beauty?) Not Bilan appears to have nothing to do with the storyline except look pretty while Red Dress runs across the set like a buxom blonde in a horror movie.

Belgium: Live performance, which makes some sense. Even though there is an actual video, the song is so "funkadelic" (an aspect that really isn't captured in the real video), that the myriad of colours used during the RTBF live performance is the better option. That said, I like the song and I would've liked it if they went for an acid-freakout video. Slightly related: At this corner of the internet, the lead singer of the KMGs is a candidate for sexiest man of this year's contest, Not Bilan isn't even close.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: Marija's a chorine. Marija's a longshoreman in a lacy cap. Violinists on a rusty ship, while the crew plays volleyball? Is there some sort of veiled drug reference in this song that I'm not getting? Meditative, I get, but this is verging on absurd.

Bulgaria: Girl (not in the gender specific sense in this case), you'd better beat those drums! So Elitsa has black wings and apparently causes thunderstorms. She then flies as the song goes all techno. Sistem for 2007? I think so. Although I'm certain members of both sexes and most sexual orientations will miss the old softcore porn that made up the previous two Bulgarian previews.

Croatia: Dora performance. Excuse me, Bulgaria and Belarus have proper videos and Croatia doesn't? Is HRT trying to plead poverty this year or is it just lack of faith in the entry? Might very well be a mix of both frankly. This song is dull, dull, dull and I actually like a soul song with a strong bass line. The woman singing lead kicks ass, but then Daddy Topic just has to get his lines in and the whole vibe goes screwy. Give him a severance package, make it all Dragonfly and then get back to me.

Cyprus: Ok, I'll get it over with right now. WHO DRESSED THE DIKI? She looks like she's taking a break from being a Japanese idol singer...in 1986. Oh well, it works with this very synthclash song (which I like very much, and would be happy if it won). The rest of the video seems to be a unisex mascara commercial....which is why The Diki and Co. are singing in an abandoned ballroom?

Czech Republic: National final performance (after all that CT has been through, I don't blame them, unlike HRT). Even though the Slovaks sent a "rock" band as their debut entry as well, there's a metaphorical ocean of differences here. Main one being that at least Martin Durinda was singing and not doing some vocally enhanced version of growling. Actually, this is not a bad song at all, it's just that I wish it was an instrumental. O Lordi, what have you wrought? (By the way, I hope those dazed go-go "Eurosong" girls are not included at the ESC performance. They looked like they were going into sugar shock instead of dancing.)

Denmark: DR are you pleading poverty too? All the creative talent working in Danish film and television and the only idea you come up with is to have DQ dressed in various monocolour outfits in different colours while 2 men and 2 women fail their arms in various black & white getups. The song is called Drama Queen and you have a drag queen singing it FOR EUROVISION, one of the most camp television events in the world. I'm sorry, but you have to step up your game here people, because you dropped the ball video-wise.

Estonia: Eurolaul performance (I think it is, since that would be par for course with ETV). Gerli "Not Pink, Not Sharon Osbourne" Padar is carried in on a chair by some male dancers would then fail themselves about in modern dance. Gerli joins them for a bit and it looks...matronly, which is at odds with both her voice and the tone of the song. The choreography is also at odds with the song as well, since it would be more at home as an 11 o'clock number in a musical than in a rock ode to co-dependency. If I'm not mistaken, I do believe Gerli & The Boys are doing jazz hands towards the end of the chorus. Oddly enough this makes the song more livilier than the previous (if more plausible) version I saw which just featured Gerli and a backing band.

Next time: F is for Fun Times, G is for Go On With Your Bad Self, and H is for Hell.

From the "Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day" Department

Bloomie suggests a congestion surcharge of $8 for all drivers entering Manhattan below 86th Street.

Still a closeted idiot, but at least he's not without some sense.

Monday Jukebox Tries To Entertain You

I promise I'll be back soon on full-tilt duty, but between fighting a flu, and working on a play...well, something had to fall by the wayside.

In the interim, here are three Japanese popsters that I've stumbled across recently. In a perfect world, they'd be as popular here as they are in Japan.

Now, I've already salivated over Misia (there is a funny video on Youtube of a high-as-a-kate Erykah Badu praising Misia), but here's the full video of her song Escape, which has rather downbeat and somewhat absurd lyrics in contrast to the upbeat music, then again the video is somewhat absurd (in the artistic sense) as well:




Next is the legendary rock duo B'z singing their 1991 hit Alone, another prime example of why a good ballad should make you feel like the burden of life is too much by the end of it. I have to admit I was surprised by the choice of wearing UWM clothing in this live performance:



Arguably the Japanese Madonna, if only for longevity of career, Akina Nakamori covered Alone in her Utahime 3 album back in 2003, in a very minimalist way making the song even more bleak--a good thing in my view. Alas, I couldn't find a video for it and I'm not savvy enough to create one. Instead here are two videos of Akina.

The first is her performance of Southern Wind in 1984, very fresh and idoled up.



Finally, here is Akina in 2001 performing another one of her Eighties' hits, 1/2 no Shinwa:



Thanks to all the hard-working fans who put up the videos, translated the lyrics, and designed the websites.

An Update from Fearless Leader

I think I may come to regret doing a video post.

Eurovision 2007 Preview Review: A is for Awkward

It's that time again!

Since there are god knows how many entries this year (I will break my no-alcohol-at-home rule in order to make it through this year's voting), I'm splitting up this year's Preview Video review into several parts. For those not familiar with the Preview Video review set up at this corner of the internet: I watch 30-60 seconds of each preview clip and then write my impressions.

(You can find the videos at Eurovision.tv, click on "mediacentre")

Today I'm covering the A's.

Albania: Frederik (who should either shoot his stylist and/or get a better toupee) gestures dramatically near a pond or a lake while a woman (I'm assuming this is Aida) wails while dressed like some aging socialite circa 1965. It does not make one sympathetic to whatever plea he is begging us to hear. Pretty scenery though.

Andorra: Like every Eve6/Blink 182/early Green Day video you've ever seen, with Anonymous playing their instruments with screaming, happy teenagers in the background. That said, it's revolutionary for Eurovision. Considering the song is asking us to "save the world," I have to wonder what does shaving one's head have to do with it? If it's a reference to Locks of Love (an organisation that donates hairpieces to children who have medical hair loss), then that's a brilliant move. Unfortunately, I suspect it's just an attempt to appear "punk."

Armenia: Hayko does his best Zeljko impression by looking moody in white in the middle of a market/bazaar while a (clarinet?) player plays in the background...yet is strangely not heard. Shouldn't the "you" being addressed in the song be seen? I remain firm in my conviction that it wouldn't kill Armenian TV to do a Cher & Colton Ford disco duet. I'm sure they'd have no problem doing it for free.Then again, I suspect Armenia doesn't want to win inasmuch as just place strongly.

Austria: Is this 1993? Seriously, this video is so 90s that I have expect Eddie Vedder to randomly appear midway through the song waving his hair along to the beat. Anyway, it's Erik (who I'd accuse of doing a Chris Daughtry impression, but I don't think Daughtry is that well known overseas) scowling at the camera in black & white, and then black & red, with a red AIDS ribbon in the background. Visually, I know they're going for grit and symbolism, but at the same time, I don't think the lyrics jive with it. I don't get the message here, and I am tempted to think that Erik doesn't either (to paraphrase an old MTV ad: "they just told me to rock...real hard.")

Next up: B is for Bizarre, C is for Crazy, D is for Drag, and E is for Eh? (believe it or not, that only covers 9 countries).

Tuesday Jukebox Loves Misia

Just listen...






And I'm generally not one to fawn about vocal gymnastics, but this knocked my socks off.

Partly Shameless Plug

My best friend Garrett is appearing on this week's new Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

Do watch!

Eurovision 2007: I Know I'm Lyric-Sensitive, but really?

Now it's hardly a secret that I really like this year's Russian entry, but alas, the Russian Eurovision curse of atrocious lyrics strikes again.

Here's a sampling (courtesy of The Diggiloo Thrush) :

Gotta tease you nasty guy
So take it, don't be shy
Put your cherry on my cake
And taste my cherry pie

As anyone who remembers Warrant's big hit can tell you, "cherry pie" is slang for a part of the female southern anatomy. So one must ask, what is a person's "cake?" Based on the refrain, I would hazard a guess that they are referring to the posterior. If that is the case, then I believe we have the first lesbian anal sex reference in Eurovision.

Like the Silver Girls have any idea what they are singing about.

Open note to Russian Eurovision composers:

Please have a native English speaker go over your lyrics. You come up with these great musical compositions and then have them shot to hell because the lyrics are basically absurd.

Since when do asses "spin?" They swing, they sway, they do not go 360 degrees on any normal human being.

By the way, what's with the lead singer calling her cohorts "bitches?" I know the other two are really only there for show, but seriously, give them at least a modicum of respect.

Are You Sure This Isn't A Joke?

Tommy "Wimpy Ex-Wisconsin Governor" Thompson is apparently entering the presidential race.

Why? I do not know.

The man is forever etched in my head as the fool who came running back to Wisconsin--tears streaming down his face--after basically getting his ass handed to him in Washington.

And he thinks he could run the country?