Beware the lookalikes: The Eurovision 2005 Preview Video Review (Semi Version)

Blogger is up and running now; Caroline in the City reruns are about to come on; and today is my gym-free day...what better time to start the bashing--I mean reviewing of the preview videos.

First off, I'm going to do this alphabetically as opposed to in running order for two reasons: 1) I reckon the preview videos are meant to stand alone and can't be interpreted by running order; 2) It's too tricky to jump around eurovision.tv trying to sort things out by which order the entries will appear next month.

Let's get cracking, shall we?

• Andorra: I'll say one thing. Andorra does know how to sell their country well. Who knew Andorra has traffic jams and snow-covered valleys in such a small country? Speaking of said traffic jams, Marie An (lady, your name is Marian or Marianne, don't act so posh) looks like she wants to get run over by a truck several times at the beginning. Yet the only collision that happens is when Marie An gets bumped by evil Marie An. (We know she's the evil one because she's wearing black and gives a sultry look.) The general theme of the video seems to be "good" Marie An goes chasing "evil" Marie An all through Andorra while wailing about "la mirada interior" but rarely ever mentioning said phrase. It's bland, and I find myself pondering how evil Marie An looks like Stevie Nicks, but good Marie An doesn't, even though they're the same person. By the way, I've seen the performance video, Marie An (again lady, who are you trying to fool?) better pull out something more impressive than yoga stretches to make this interesting in Kyiv.
• Austria: This is such an oddball entry, and it winds up being even more kookily charming with the faux vintage way the video is shot. According to Global Kryner (and what exactly is a "Kryner" anyway?) "Kyue-ba" (which while it is the way it's pronounced in German and in Cuba itself, still sounds a bit funny to my ears, but so does Kennedy's "cu-ber") is some far away place where sultry dark-skinned women in skimpy two piece dresses travel in 1960's era flying machines. Hmm? Well, Cubana does have a lot of aging Soviet-era aircraft. I'm still trying to figure out where I've seen the lead singer before. Kym Marsh from Hear'Say? Geri Halliwell?
• Belarus: Wow, I never knew how much I liked "Boys & Girls" until I saw the video for "Love Me Tonight." Angelica is so wrong for this song. In fact, I say Belarus and Russia should do a switch. Angelica can sing the earnest-despite-poor-grammar "Nobody Hurt No One" and Natalya can sing the shallow-with-not-as-bad-grammar "Love Me Tonight." Anyway the video is frankly cheap. Cheap like a midnight lounge act in a small town. Angelica, bereft of her Anna Oxa circa 1986 outfit, is dressed in red. Her all-female backing singers look like C-grade dominatrixes in their black PVC gear. Rounding out the crew is a male dancer who disappears for a majority of the song. My theory: the stage can only handle so many queens at one time. As much chaotic fun as it would be, Minsk 2006 ain't gonna happen, and neither will Angelica Agurbash threaten TRL
• Belgium: Another lookalike question now. Nuno is either: a) Young George Michael, b) Young Johnny Halladay, c) Sakis Rouvas doing his best impression of a Luso-Belgian. Either way, he's one of the relatively few handsome men this contest. The video I'm assuming is his performance at the TWO SONG Walloon "final." The song basically involves Nuno singing "ce soir" ad nauseum--just in case you didn't know what "grand" he's wailing about--with dramatic swells in music and lights ablazing. This would stir me if it was 1988 and I had experienced little thrills in life. As it's 2005 and I've subsequently gotten life, it's rather dull. I think this'll meet the same fate as Jonsi last year. Why? Because he doesn't MOVE. The whole time watching it, I'm thinking does "he have paralysis? Can he possibly be that nervous?" The boy can sing, but it's not that interesting to watch. Get back to me when the naked pictures come out. (I'm waiting for the "Nuno naked pictures" referrals.)
• Bulgaria: At least they added an "e" to "Lorrain" so that we won't think they're singing about a town in Ohio which really isn't that interesting enough to sing about in the first place. Yay! More totty. Specifically a soaking wet Eastern European man with boyish looks singing lead vocals. This is a Bel Ami video just screaming to be made. Well, I give Caffe's producers some credit, they've managed to make a bland jazz/soul ballad rather interesting albeit in a formulaic boyband way: We've got the rain; we've got the sultry woman in lingerie (this is Europe, not Kansas we can have PG-13 sexuality in pop videos); we've got the strobe lights; and we've got the old prop airplane and vintage car. They may fail miserably in Kyiv, but Caffe could easily be on the charts. By the way, this video is basically using nearly every attribute Take That did in "Babe" and "Why Can't I Wake Up With You?" Perhaps in 2015, Bulgaria will be doing knock-offs of Maroon 5 and Usher.
• Croatia: Again with the rain! Fortunately, we are spared the site of cheesecake images of Boris, because...uh, no-one wants to see that save for Croatia's goth community. So this video is basically Boris looking serious at scenes of nature a la Brad Pitt towards the end of Interview with A Vampire. The song and video are basically boring as hell, save for some fun bits with the scarily intense looking drummer and the bagpipe player and backing singers who are kept under glass. What that has to do with wolves dying alone, I have no idea. Unless the whole point of the song is Boris coming out as a werewolf, which I will not dispute at all. The video and song get all dramatic at the end, but No Name does this same schtick much better. Yet another lookalike question. Boris is either: a) Jimi Mistry or b) Stuart Townsend after a long fast.
• Denmark: Geez, Jakob's got an annoying singing voice. It's like Ronan Keating but even more nasal. The Danes apear to be ripping off Jonathan Cerada whose video last year featured ickle Jonathan walking through various rooms glancing at the Fellini-esque occupants. No such humour here. Jakob's a billy-no-mates and no-one wants to play with him. Well, there's a cute young Danish Amelie who might play, because she's about the only other person we see. I'm a tad bit confused on the story line here. If I'm reading this correctly, Jakob is stalking Danish Amelie. So when he's singing "I'm talking to you" and no one is around it has this extremely creepy voyeuristic quality. Was it really necessary to perform this in English, DR? Do you want to get a reputation as a country of grinning peeping toms?
• Estonia: Oh god this is bad. If Angelica was a cheap lounge act, Suntribe is a cheap high school talent show act. The girls are dressed up in tacky East Village wannabe gear. (Natalya is dressed the same way. Is this some sort of trend going through the former Soviet Union?) The idea for the video seems to be to throw a whole bunch of unrelated images together because that is how to best express "loud" and it's also cheap. So we are blessed/cursed with Suntribe working out, Suntribe in white dresses and big blonde wigs, Suntribe dressed like flappers, Suntribe in some dance club, Suntribe making faces. Unfortunately, Suntribe getting vocal lessons is omitted...probably because it didn't happen. Yep, Switzerland definitely got the better Estonian entry this year.
• Finland: It's Geir's performance from Euroviisut. Apologies for the bad pun here, but "why" would anyone vote for this? There must have been better songs and performances than some man just streching out his arms, and warbling about uninteresting things that make him ponder why. I say Finland should follow Switzerland's example and hijack some big pop star for the 2006 contest. In fact, why don't they just get Arja Saijonmaa?
• FYR Macedonia: The video is Martin's Skopjefest performance interspersed with the recording session. This song is basically Balkan cumbia and the video does nothing to make me think otherwise. We have scantily dressed female dancers shaking their moneymakers while Martin acts all horny teenager. It's actually rather funny, because Martin looks rather pudgy in his vest, backwards newsboy hat, and yellow shirt. He also can't dance to save his soul. Now if FYROM and Greece manage to bury the hatchet, then Sakis Rouvas can cross the border and show him how it's properly done. I really think Martin might be quite pudgy for real, because in the recording session bits, he looks a little bit tubby in his track suit. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with Martin being overweight (because I used to be overweight myself...hell, according to the USDA I'm still overweight), but the problem here is that he doesn't know how to move so that it doesn't look comical.
• Hungary: NOX says "Spin, World!" in Hungarian. I say "as you wish!" Now this is what a preview video should be like, fierce, attention-getting, and varied enough so that you get that "wow" factor. It starts out with a lone man doing a very acrobatic Hungarian-Irish jig for a few seconds, then BOOM loads of people doing another complex acrobatic jig accompanied by guitars. Now, I thought MTV didn't participate in Eurovision for all these years because they're skint. This video looks pretty high-class. Sort of like the Estonian video, everything but the kitchen sink seems to been thrown at this. The funny thing is that it works here. There's men doing whirling dervishes, some light sword fighting, fake snow, some Fiddler on the Roof-esque peasant women dance break. I may go so far as to say that the dancing here is more interesting to look at than Ruslana's whole "crack the whip, stomp in place" routine last year. We like this ve-e-e-ry much.
• Iceland: Selma is back and what has she brought or wrought on us? Comic violence, but it's cute comic violence. The premise is that Selma has got her bow and arrow [presumably for love not killing, but then again this country yielded Paul Oscar, Bjork, and Gus Gus so who knows?] and is aiming it at her big strapping Viking paramour with little success. Okay, now explain to me what all these shots of Selma going all Geri Halliwell in a dance club mean? As for the song, well, it's nice and upbeat; however, it does scream Geri Halliwell. That being said, I hope it does well and at least charts outside of Iceland.
• Ireland: You're A Star performance. First things first, it says something when the Hungarians can out-Irish the Irish in terms of dancing a jig. My lookalike detector goes haywire on the siblings McCaul. They are either: a) Kelly Osbourne & doomed American Idol 3 contestant John Stevens IV; or b) Chloe from Smallville with a dye-job & Zach-Dana from Desperate Housewives. Ok, on the positive side, it is great to see Ireland finally go upbeat, and "Love?" (with its odd question mark) has got a good beat to it. Also, these kids can sing, although Donna clearly overpowers ickle Joseph most of the time. Now to the downside: Joseph cannot dance. I mean it's hilarious to see him try to act all funky during the instrumental bits. Not to mention, he's got quite the lisp when he sings solo. Yet there's something here that just makes you want to say "aww, bless." Then there's the dance break. Usch. Why is it there? Is it really needed? Did they need to inject a jig and dosey-do? By the way, Joseph looks oh-so-cute and intimidated by the female dancer/drummer. Donna? She's having the time of her life. I just calls 'em likes I sees them.
• Israel: Kdam performance. Shiri looks quite pretty in her Mariah Carey knock-off dress. She also looks quite earnest, which is always a good thing when singing a ballad. All that being said, I judge all Israeli ballads against Rita's tour-de-force performance in Zagreb. In that respect, this comes up a bit short. It's like I'm waiting for Shiri to go all out and she just teases. When you have a power ballad and strong voice, you have to have your crazy moment. Just look at Anna Oxa and Mary J. Blige.
• Latvia: Yep, I still hate these two. They're getting even cockier these days with their boasting of having "the Olsen Brothers effect." It's like they are just egging me on with statements like that. Anyway, the video: extreme close-ups of Walters & Kazha and nothing else because their egos take up any remaining space. NEXT!
• Lithuania: National final performance. Laura sounds like Charleen (or is it Sharleen, I know the lady spells it some strange way) Spiteri from Texas. She looks like a fashion victim. Her hair is done in this schitzophrenic way that is part-up and part-down, and her dress is some weird leopard-print thing from Lithuanian Goodwill. As for "The [manufactured] Lovers" they are as anonymous as well...the rest of Texas. I sort of like this song, but there really isn't anything spectacular about it, and I'm still peeved about Saules Kilosas not winning yet.
• Moldova: Bascially it's Zdob si Zdub performing on a stage. No more no less. Quite a shame really, because a song with these kind of lyrics is just screaming for a madcap video with a plotline. The Moldovan boys in the band nonetheless do their best to provide some sort of zany quality to the song. Eh. I wish them well, but their performance better be a little more memorable come May. Still love the lyrics.
• Monaco: Another ripoff/homage to one of last year's entries. In this particular case, the Monagasques are taking their cues from Cyprus's whole "little girl in a big world" theme. We see Lise dramatically lit up in silhouette. She then sings earnestly and dramatically while the unseen Monaco Philharmonic pulls out all the stops musically. Lise bares a slight resemblance to Britney Spears, but comes across as much more wholesome. There's an occasional shot of some mysterious man, which makes no sense since it's not the late Prince Rainier. Not too shabby, even though musically I liked last year's entry better.
• Netherlands: Nationaal Songfestival performance. I would like this song so much better if there wasn't that stupid spoken bit at the beginning. Seriously Glennis, we know you had a dream! You're going to be singing about it for the next three minutes, and seconds are precious, m'dear. Glennis looks like a classy Melanie B in her sparkling white dress and her performance is for the msot part classy and simple, even when she has her crazy moment.
• Norway: Norwegian MGP performance for the most part [with bits of "life as a rock star"mixed in]. Ok, why are all these big broadcasters wimping out of doing proper videos? I mean Albania, Austria, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Bulgaria, Hungary, and Spain shelled out money for videos and NRK won't shell out for a completely new video? Anyway, if you've already heard the song and wondered if Wig Wam are just as over-the-top live, the answer is a resounding yes. This band is like the camp offspring of Kiss and Queen, made all the more interesting by the fact that the lead singer looks extremely like Marilyn Manson. In short, they rock both literally and figuratively and I love them for it. I dare say that Norway might very well go on and win it, just because of the trend of Norwegian wins in 1985 and 1995. Besides, any man daring enough to wear a sparkling silver jumpsuit in 2005 deserves some kind of reward.
• Poland: Lots of drinking and lots of "lai-lai-lai-laaai." Orange shirted Ivan or Delfin sings dramatically in close up while some sort of gypsy woman or fortune teller accosts him. He is surprsingly not angry, I know I would be is somebody bothered me while I'm trying to get hammered. I admit that I am far from well-versed in how Polish folk music is performed, but Orange Shirt seems to be way too dramatic what sounds to me like a simple happy-clappy folk song. Frankly [Orange Shirt] I do not want to see your tonsils when you sing, and those fists you make are unintentionally hilarious.
• Portugal: It's an advert for Portugese Club 18-30! It's a performance on Portugese Top of the Pops! It's extreme close-ups of two Portugese talent show contestants! It's all of the above. I quite like this, although in the interest of being fair, I generally like the Portugese entries because they are always such underdogs. This year, I'm not too certain if they are that much of an underdog because the song and the performers do have a certain x-factor to them. Unfortunately, the lyrics are an unintentional laugh riot: "Happy pretty way, Happy shiny day, Happy place to stay: We can hold it together." Where did they come up with this? Sesame Street? It gets even stranger: "Pretty people shining, a pretty place to stay, brand new kind of face: I love you anyway." Huh? What are they saying here? Go to Portugal for a holiday affair with an indifferent and shallow Lusitianian? I hope this is meant as some sort of absurdist joke, because if it's not Portugal needs to import some English teachers pronto.
• Romania: Ooh, bare cliffs and desert. I don't think we're in Bucharest anymore. Sultry looking Lene-from-Aqua lookalike and a bunch of men looking angry at white painted drums/tin cans. Perhaps the Romanians are providing the unofficial Danish entry? The whole video looks like some sort of collaboration between Lene and Safri Duo. It's extremely better than the chaotic performance at the national final in which Luminita basically belted and tried to stay as far away from the psychotic drummers of Sistem. I would not be surprised to see this creep its way into dance clubs and video bars.
• Slovenia: Going shirtless with Peter Poles saved you, Omar. It saved you big time. As did ditching the soprano and reshaping yourself as Slovenia's answer to Robbie Williams. Now, your video. Ok...there's a ballerina tiptoeing through water; there's a huge moon; and there's Omar thrashing around in the water with his shirt open. This makes no sense to me. It's all nice to look at and it's nice to listen to since it's been turned into a full-out rock ballad, but still...huh?
• Switzerland: Live performance, since Switzerland had no national final to speak of. Again, I have to wonder "why can't Swiss television plop down the money for a proper video?" Seriously, Switzerland is one of the wealthiest countries on the planet and even moreso they basically shanghaied an Estonian all-girl rock band to represent them at Eurovision. It's just plain courtesy to give them a video. Anyway, the girls of Vanilla Ninja perform the living daylights out of "Cool Vibes" and its strange lyrics. (That seems to be the theme this year: bizarre English lyrics. Belarus and Russia are full of grammatical errors, and Switzerland is grammatically correct but absolutely nobody says anything like: "Stay close to me, infinity. Enigma’s what we share, but I don’t care, you`ll be there.") That being said, the girls do an excellent job of communicating the angst that I believe this song is about. Think of them as being Wig Wam's serious and subdued sisters.

So who gets my vote for best video [not necessarily song per se] in the semi-final? I'd say it's a four-way race between Austria, Bulgaria, Hungary, and Monaco. One's delightfully bizarre and loopy, one is basically a porn film, another one is a serious rock-your-senses performance, and the other manages to be quite poignant without overdoing it.

As for most dire: It's also a four-way-tie between Belarus, Denmark, Estonia, and Latvia. One is a cheap lounge act, one is unintentionally disturbing, one is a cheap high school act, and one is full of nothing but a pair of egomaniacal rentboys strumming their guitars.