Martin's Stench still lingers: The Eurovision 2005 Preview Video Review (Final Version)

And we're back! This time with the countries that are lucky(?) enough to make it directly into the final. (And I am as happy as can be because this means fewer countries to write about.)

On with the proverbial show!

• Albania: First off, Ledina is pretty...very pretty, in fact. She is pretty even when dressed in her Playboy Bunny/Madonna-circa-1986 wedding dress/hooker wear. (Did Albanian TV get Britney Spears's lingerie-wedding dress from last year's MTV VMA?) I am also quite happy that Albanian TV shelled out the money for a new video (although her performance at the [unpronounceable and hard to write national final] was a camp spectacle). So the plot line with this video seems to be: Ledina is a bride having her "moment" before she gets married. What's she thinking? Well, going by the lyrics--because the video images don't always match them--she's doing the old "I'm not a girl anymore" idea. Lady, you are the Albanian Kim Cattrall. You're quite the voluptuous sex kitten, but no one is going to buy you as a "girl." One the whole, the video is technically good at making you interested in the song, BUT it also seems dated, like a Kylie Minogue video from 1991. A brief sidetrack here to talk about the new English version "Tomorrow I Go." It's not as good, which I can't say I'm surprised. For starters, Ledina is now singing the "di-di-dai" bits instead of the big deep voiced male choir. Now, she's got a pretty decent voice, Ledina, but without the big burly voices in the background the aggression/passion that was in the original version is now gone. All that being said, T&A will get you (and Albania) very far indeed.
• Bosnia-Herzegovina: Bosnian TV has had a good run with the preview videos over the past three years, and the one for "Call Me" is no exception. It starts out with a classic (that is to say 1950's or pre-colour 1960's) opening of "Bonsoir Europe" and then FLASH we see the perky Balkan blonde trio that is Feminnem. The idea here is basically an homage to ABBA and to Eurovision in general. We see Feminnem doing the famed profile shots from "Knowing Me, Knowing You;" Feminnem striking the similar pose as the album cover for "The Visitors;" Feminnem dancing in front of old ESC scoreboards (shout out to Dublin 1987). And you know what? It works. The English lyrics are essentially a naked plea to vote for them combined with the standard "united-by-song-aren't-we-happy" theme that pops up at least once every contest. Personally, I really was rather neutral on Feminnem winning the Bosnian final, but with this video I quite like them.
• Cyprus: He just so wants to either be or bed Sakis Rouvas, perhaps even both. "Ela Ela" may sound like the Cypriot version of "Rumpshaker" but the video is straight from the Disney book of PG rated sensuality. That is to say, you place a man in a tank top have him fling his arms about so as to show his biceps, armpits, and chest hair and voila thousands of 12-14 year old girls and gay boys lose their ever-loving minds. Not me. Constantinos, it is going to take a lot more than just dancing about in some warehouse-- snarling at the camera no less--to make me care about you, this song, and this video. I will concede however that you are one of the better-looking male singers this year. (So far that group includes Nuno, the lead singer from Caffe, and Omar Naber, who just barely makes it.) I'm beginning to think he only enters in years where he's certain to be in the most sexiest man of the contest group. (Think about it. 1996: The only male eye candy there; 2002: His sole competition (other than the rest of ONE) was Manuel Ortega and the dark-skinned guy from Prime Minister.)
• France: National Final performance. I know I should be miffed, because France Television generally comes up with some amazing preview videos when they don't have a national final. (The songs are a different matter entirely, because while Louisa had a very striking and moody video in 2003, the song was still bland.) However, "Chacun pense à soi" it such a great song, that it doesn't matter. Lyrically, it's ace and thank the lord, France has finally decided to show the rest of Europe that upbeat urban French music did not disappear with Marie-Line's abysmal (and undeserved) score back in 1998. Ortal, unlike Marie-Line, has charisma and charm by the bucketloads. (Hey, I liked Marie-Line but a bald black woman cannot pull off cute with sincerity.) She's sort of like a sexier version of Melanie Cohl, because frankly, this song is ten times more sophisticated. As intriguing as Ortal is, she does just barely manage to be upstaged by her backing singers in ponytails and newsboy caps (heretofore known as PnC). PnC are just plain cool with their "I can kill you" expressions on their face. I have a sneaking suspicion that PnC are also doing backup duties for Natalya, albeit with faux mohawks and no movement whatsoever. Two question linger: 1) Why would France Television allow those shots of the stone-faced fat lady (please tell me that is not Marie Myriam) in the preview?; 2) Why does Ortal extend the end of the song with the vocalising? It's kind of off-putting.
• Germany: Countdown Grand Prix performance, and thank god for that, because I hate that atrocious video that is trying to be East Village hip, but comes across as extremely calculated and dull. Gracia is also pretty. (Perhaps all the countries directly qualified into the final decided to add a "looks" requirement?) She also has got an annoying voice which makes me actually hate this song, and I love hard rock in Eurovision. When she sings "hide," it comes out as "hi-di-yi-de." I hate that. Nonetheless, since we're denied the vastly superior "Unschlagbar," I'd rather have "Run & Hide" than some cloying ballad performed by a cro-magnon or Enrico Ruggieri lookalike. By the way, Gracia looks like Mikalah Gordon all grown up.
• Greece: The land of She Who Will Not Be Named (SWWNBN), because I already get enough hits full of pervy people looking for her naked photos. Okay, is there some sort of desire amongst the Greeks to make Greece look like Miami? This video looks like some sort Expose hit from 1990. It's so pastel that my teeth hurt. SWWNBN is pretty impressive, I have to say. She manages to pull off some tricky dance moves without making one single expression whatsoever. Midway through watching it, I begin to think that I will be seeing this at Splash pretty soon. ("Opa Opa" is already in high rotation.) Why? This is basically SWWNBN and her pretty friends of both genders dancing and pouting. No image of who is causing SWWNBN to speak in adjectives. By the way, SWWNBN is either Ada Nicodemou or Ada Nicodemou doing alternate Gloria Estefan and Jennifer Lopez impressions. (That girl can dance as anyone who has seen Heartbreak High can attest to.)
• Malta: Let me start a campaign for changing the expression "like a Greek tragedy" to "like a Maltese tragedy," because that's just what Malta has sent from 1992 until now (1996 being a slight exception: unintentionally funny instead of tragic). Yet they keep on coming back, like weeds. Somehow the deranged Maltese entry each year manages to attract enough voters to keep them from relegation. (From the articles, it seemed like Malta was on the brink of civil war when Lynn failed miserably in 2003.) So this year's tragedy is an old one with a new song. Namely, Chiara (the old tragedy from 1998) with her new song "Angel." By the looks of the video, Chiara seems to have only made slight modifications in her outfit from back in Birmingham. Oh that says a lot about your confidence in this song, you're going to try to get people to vote for you just because you looked pretty back in 1998. Well lady, I didn't like your song then and I really don't like your song now. Anyway, despite being for a dire song, the video is pretty damn good. It's very reminiscent of the videos Ken Hirai has for his slow songs: lingering shots of people looking full of angst or deep in thought; landscapes; singer looking...well, angelic and all-knowing. Great video (although occasionally a bit too over-the-top with the symbolism), crap song that the Lloyd-Webber lot will just salivate over.
• Russia: National final performance, which I think is a real missed opportunity, because this is such a message song. Poland did an extremely stirring preview video in 2003 that featured crowds protesting for freedom in slow motion, which matched the exact sentiment of the song perfectly. Russia, however, sends a girl in wannabe East Village punk clothes and hair extensions to sing a grammatically incorrect song about violence in the US. How's that for mixed messages? "Yes, you've let violence run rampant in schools, terrorising a nation of children, but you still have great fashion sense." The problem, however, is that visually there really is no way to present this song in a believable way without dressing Natalya up in wannabe East Village gear. You wouldn't buy it if she was wearing a pantsuit or a sober dress. All that being said, Natalya sings the living daylights out of this song, with excellent "crazy moments." If there are dance mixes to this song, then taste and tact have truly left the building. (By the way, I stand corrected, the Russian PnC do move during the song. They step a little to left, bob their pompadoured heads, and step to the right.)
• Serbia & Montenegro: Or just Montenegro, although to be fair, "Lane Moje" was basically just representing Serbia. Speaking of said top 3 finisher, this song is extremely better than its predecessor, even though it is basically the same thing: a dramatic ballad. It starts out with these big booming drums, follows it upon with a violin, and then with the singing. And these pubescent lads are more interesting than the swarthy (but boring to watch) Žejlko. The video starts out with an enigmatic looking woman unraveling a ball of red yarn. What this has to do with anything I do not know, but I'm chalking it up to our old friend symbolism. I'm guessing it has to do with the myth that we are all connected by microscopic red string (cf. Urusei Yatsura Movie 4). If No Name and RTCG are trying to sell Montenegro (and I'm assuming it's Montenegro in the video), then they've succeeded. It's a very pretty country full of old churches, cobblestone streets, sunny beaches, and snowcapped valleys, sort of like Puerto Rico meets Switzerland. As for the song, it really is growing on me, with all the dramatic music and what have you. The lads are pretty decent singers, not spectacular, but they'll get the Balkan tween and angst-ridden queen votes.
• Spain: If I had known that Stenchmark was going to win MF, then I would've been slightly kinder to the hags. Well, the witches have added lots of guitar to the song which is nice and lessen the blow of hearing them sing at a million words a minute. Dear lord, they still look like trashy trophy wives! Is this the face that one of the premier Socialist governments in existence wants to show the world? Ay! Some improvement is made by having the hags grope assorted swarthy men in various states of undress (the men not the witches). Even with that, this video looks like the "let's learn Spanish" videos on Sesame Street. In this case, it's let's learn flamenco, because for the majority of the video, the witches are just flapping their skirts and stomachs like there is no tomorrow as is everybody else young and old. And guess what? Gravelly voiced (c)rapper is still in this damn song. This time he's jumping out of the crowd (I'm assuming they are there to stone these harlots not do a sing-along) and pointing at them as if to say "SINNERS," except he's probably lauding them. Why oh why does Spain have to be my "home" entry, so I have to hope for them to do well?
• Sweden: There are three entries this year I can't seem to shut up about on this blog: Russia, Spain, and Sweden. The first one is because it's a shame that poor grammar is ruining an excellent song. The last two are because they are dire songs that for some inexplicable reason beat out a vastly superior song ("Eres un infermo" for Spain and "Håll om mig" for Sweden). I would rather listen to "Brujería" for 3 hours straight than deal with 3 minutes of "Las Vegas." Nonetheless, Stenchmark is still the Swedish representative and I have to give Sweden some sort of review on their preview video. Geez, it's the Melodifestivalen performance again. Is SVT hard up? I have trouble believing that they are, but then again, Melodifestivalen might cost quite the pretty penny to produce. Since I've already written more about this song than I ever imagined I would have to, I'm not going to add anything. Okay, I tell a lie. For starters, Martin, it is MAN-DA-LAY Bay, not MANDELEE Bay. MAN-DA-LAY as in you were Christer Bjorkman's "man-to-lay" if you wanted to get the jury vote in your favour. Secondly, if you are trying to come across as butch and Tom Jones swarthy, do NOT wear some sparkling thing that dangles off your shoulder. It makes you look like Elton John. (Dear lord, I don't ask for much, but can you make Martin get a big fat zero points in Kyiv. I want to see the Swedish press lose their minds. You know they won't take it the same way the UK did. Thanks. --Hikaru. PS> I'll console Martin in my bed and give him some Cardigans songs to restart his career.)
• Turkey: I admit it, I have a dirty mind. The song is called "Rim Rimi Ley." Does that not scream out sex act to you? Who knew Turkey would have the double entendre song this year? Anyway, the video is basically the performance, primarily because it has been redone to the point that it is nearly unrecognisable to the happy-clappy ditty that "won" the Turkish national final. It's now very Bollywood, which in away, is somewhat appropriate for a Turkish entry. Gülseren has dropped the pantsuit for an outfit that makes her look like a mix between a demure Ruslana and SWWNBN. She makes a lot of hand gestures while assorted men (one of whom is wearing CORNROWS!) beat drums and spin around. My description doesn't quite do it justice, because Gülseren is laying on the charm pretty thick and it does say "vote for me," although not as blatantly as the Bosnian entry.
• Ukraine: I said it before, and I'll say it again. "Greenjolly" is a stupid name for a rap group, especially a political one. Can't you just translate "Public Enemy" into Ukrainian? It seems like you share the same goals. As I wrote earlier, this "song" is still a bit of a mess. It's got a great beat, and you start to like it, and then you have two men shouting at you in Ukrainian. I'll take the instrumental version, please. The video conversely, is pretty good. It's similar in vein to the aforementioned Polish preview video from 2003, except not as polished. (And quite honestly, if you're talking about "power to the people" you really don't want the Hollywood version.) I think they're going for some sort of agitprop theme here, because everybody has on these sad face masks that they rip off the second that the Jollys start yelling "Razom Nas Bahato" from what looks like a parade float or pickup truck. Then they start rapping in English. Oh yes, this will be another unintentionally comic moment. Not because they are grammatically incorrect, but their accent is just too funny. (I know I'm going to hell for writing that.) "WE ARE SCARED OF DEE GANS" indeed. It is kind of moving though, but then again, I'm a Socialist so images of people marching in the street saying "we're mad as hell and we're overthrowing you" get to me. (If this wins, then I will be truly surprised and hope that some pop song will overthrow the current US government.)
• United Kingdom: My unofficial "home" entry, since I was a legal UK resident until 2000. It's the Making Your Mind Up performance, which is a bit of a surprise, since normally the BBC has always plunked down the money for a video. I guess Javine wanted something pretty OTT, and not some little dinky thing that Jemini (we're dancing in front of a mirror, aren't we precious) and James Fox (Just me mates & I strumming our guitars, see) had. Ostentatious video dreams aside, Javine nonetheless performed the living daylights out of "Touch My Fire" at Making Your Mind Up. (If you are looking for that shot: visit World of Chig, I hope he doesn't kill me for linking him in this context.) Granted the song is Destiny's Child meets Bhangra, but it's still amazing. To be blunt, the best British entry since 1998.

Best video in the final? Bosnia-Herzegovina without a doubt. There would've been more of a competition if France and the UK actually tried to do a new video.

Most dire video is a bit tricky. I'm tempted to write Sweden, but since I exclude all national final preview videos, I have to give it to Cyprus. Albania is close second. (Again this is video not song, if it was song, Sweden would easily win "most dire.")