Eurovision 2009: The Semi Final of Death

A fun fact/pun: Channel 1’s name in Russian is “Pervy Kanal.” Yes, that most likely just means “first channel,’ but it does make for a good Anglophone joke.

Anyway, there’s a bit more preshow fanfare on C1R (worldwide), as they have a panel (an all male panel) talking about the upcoming entries. They find li’l Belarussian-Norwegian Alexander a source of much comedy. I find it particularly hilarious that few of these men are in shape. It’s like watching The Sopranos on The View. One of the panelists looks very similar to Chris Lilley of Summer Heights High fame, and Lilley’s so talented that I wouldn’t be surprised if it really is him.

The panel also finds Lithuania’s Sasha Son particularly funny, from what I can ascertain the jokes revolve around his name and perceived femininity. Yet when they get to Will from 2006 (aka Sakis Rouvas), no effeminate jokes and he’s one of the most plucked and preened men in this round. (Only Adokzoli/Zoliadok or ZsA ZsA from Hungary is in the same category.)

In near total contrast to Spanish television, these guys go through the entries with near rapid speed. I gather because there’s only so many jokes you can make around “it’s cheap with a funny named performer.” Or because they just want to stare at the lewd weirdness that is the preview for Anti-Crisis Girl.

The ad break promotes Anastasia which is rather interesting since C1R has gone on record as not being interested in hosting again. I also have to say that based on the promos that they are for their own shows, it shows that they are the most popular (and one would assume lucrative) networks. They could certainly teach most of the US networks a thing or two.

Back to Sopranoskii, some Jm J. Bullock lookalike has joined them and the discussion gets heated. I’m thinking they’re making predictions or just rallying around the national entry. Hold on…they’re actually playing it…pub band style.

And with that the actual show starts. Oooh, C1R gives us two commentators: one male and one female. Both of them are very alert and pleasant.

The opening number for Semifinal 2 is a bunch of Russian folk covers of Eurovision hits. The caractures playing the instruments are joined by assorted breakdancers and folk dancers spinning around LED Russian dolls. Yes, Virginia, you are going to get a big dose of Russian culture whether you want to or not.

My god, they actually had people dancing in bear costumes. To Dima Evita’s Believe, no less.

Christ, I forgot that we have to deal with Natty & Andy again. Their hair has actually gotten bigger since Tuesday. Andy is toned down so far and I pray he will keep it relatively sane. Natty looks like an insane pageant girl. I think she’ll be the troublemaker this time around.
Anyway, same incomprehensible postcards as before.

Croatia: Igor and the backing singers (all women) are all in black. All of them sexing it up. Andrea enters in white…because she’s not meant to look slutty. Seriously, Igor looks like a letch. As for the song, well, think a B+ version of the 2007 winner. It’s punched up vocally, but not there emotionally. In fact, it’s over before you realize it.

Ireland:A bunch of flashing lights, guitars, and synth announce the arrival of the Irish entry. It’s quite catchy and cute, and certainly gets your attention. By the way, all the girls are in black East Village gear. They also look more interesting than the vamps for Croatia. If this were not the 2nd performance of the night, I’d say “dark horse.” Better audience response than Croatia.

Latvia: The Latvian postcard says “borscht.” Haha. Now I like this song way better than Et Cetera, but Intars’s performance is noticeably weaker than the one that proceeded it. His voice is conveying the emotion, but his face is stoic. The women singing backup…hell, everyone singing backup is doing a good job, but the song really relies on Intars, and I just don’t think he’s doing the business, although during the final 1/3 he really brings the crazy that the song requires, in my view. Decent audience reaction, mind you this is the only full Russian language song in the entire contest.

Serbia: A bunch of bald headed men throwing a diva about while some man with a peroxide afro sings a comedic song in Serbian about shoes. It’s certainly absurd comedy, but honestly it leaves me rather cold. Not to mention Ukraine pretty much has the absurdist vote locked up. That said, thank god the Serbians went upbeat for once. Russian commentators remain neutral.

Poland: The postcard gives us the Russian word for “party,” which is the last thing the Polish entry is. Lidia has got an interesting voice, but this is still Isis Gee part 2, albeit with a better stage show. There’s some ballet dancers doing light bondage, and the backing singers are dressed like a church choir. In fact there’s so much flowing fabric I’m surprised they didn’t have the wind machine running. There’s really nothing all that bad with the song (final notes excepted), but there’s nothing remarkable either.

Norway: Will he live up to the hype? Well, he did get “babushka” for his postcard. Alexander grins at the beginning and I realize that smirk will not leave his face for the rest of the song. The backing dancers are flawless as are the backing singers and the staging as well. The song is just too damn cute for its own good though. But yes, he’ll qualify. Doesn’t change the fact that I find his perpetual impish grin obnoxious. Crowd goes wild, nonetheless.

Ad break, wherein Raffelson Bank promotes the fact that it’s the official bank of Eurovision. There’s also a slew of other adverts as well, so I pretty much figure there’s no way I’m going to see any filler (read: Dmitry) action beyond table scraps.

Cyprus: Interesting staging for Firefly. They have decided to work the little girl in a fantasy world angle. The crowd starts applauding at random spots, why I don’t know. I don’t quite get what’s remarkable about three people doing calisthenics on white illuminated boxes. Vocally, Christina is not strong, but (and this is very smart on their part) the backing singers are. It’s no Stronger Every Minute, but having her say “jump” while looking like a Disney heroine may save Cyprus.

Slovakia: Hmm “Medved” is Russian for “bear.” Explains a lot. The difference in style and maturity is very apparent. The Slovaks have decided to go for sexy and dramatic, which is appropriate since they’re both actors. I did not care that much about this number before, but good lord, they have sold me on it big time. Kamil & Nela clearly get what they are singing about, and to be blunt about it, they are both scorching hot to look at. Crowd goes wild. I think Slovakia is now in contention.

Denmark: ”Ded moroz” is Russian for “Santa Claus.” Hahaha. Ronan Keatingsson sings his ditty pretty much straight forward, although I could do without the smirking. Or the “I gotta go to the bathroom” kind of stomping. The song tries to rock, but tries to do it softly. In the hands of Nickleback or Creed, it might work. Keatingsson & Co.? Not so much. The crowd applauds the pyrotechnics, but I’m still reeling from the Slovaks kicking butt.

More Natty & Andy. And I swear their hair continues to get bigger. What sort of carbon footpoint are these two going to leave?

Russian commentators talk over them. I like the Russian commentators.

Slovenia: The song seems somewhat faster in tempo, which quite frankly a nearly instrumental number needs. Martina starts her singing in Slovene and in silhouette, but I also make note of how telegenic Quartissimo is. When Martina stomps out (singing in English, and vocally strong) there is no “wow” from the audience. It’s pretty decent performance, but Slovenia will definitely need the jury save. (Unless people think they’re voting for Slovakia.)

Hungary: More totty, and ZsA ZsA is taking his cues from Paul Oscar. Unfortunately he’s not in the best voice from the start. Nonetheless I doubt his votes will come from his singing voice. He’s basically sexing it up and relatively successfully. Having scantily clad female backers helps as well. Still, kind of a letdown.

Azerbaijan: Cheers for Azerbaijan. Why? I don’t know. If you’ve seen all the Macedonian entries from 2005 to 2007, you pretty much have the Azeri version here. It’s CIS reggaeton. Aysel does a great job selling the song, Arash comes across as rather annoying. I think they might qualify, but the overall feeling I get from the performance is “not bad.” Russian commentators not all that impressed either.

Greece: Will gets “Good Luck” in Russian as his postcard. Crowd goes wild. Again, Sakis loves to show some skin without giving the whole lot away. The staging and the outfits basically boil down to one thing: let’s stare at Sakis’s body. He’s the only one dressed in white (the very skilled backing singers/performers are in black), and he’s the only one allowed to jump. Not to mention he ends it standing on top of platform with the Greek flag. Yes, we get it: you’re hot and Greek. Don’t worry, you’re getting through. (Probably at ZsA ZsA’s expense.)

Lithuania: Well, Sasha has certainly improved his English pronunciation. He starts out playing a piano, and the overall staging is simple, like a Justin Timberlake ballad. (It’s pretty obvious that’s the vote and feel they are going for.) The backing singers blend very well with his voice. When he switches languages, however, the song really comes alive. There is an amazing final shot of him on bended knee with the word “HOPE” blazing behind him. Another probable qualifier.

Moldova: Could we please have an ad break? Bugger, it’s Moldova. Anyway, this is basically the Norwegian entry sung by a woman and with liberal percussion. Or perhaps to phrase it better, the Moldovan version of Wild Dances. Nelly switches to English midway through, but I just see a bunch of people flinging themselves about. She is in excellent voice, but is it distinctive enough to make it through? I don’t think so. Close, but this is a rough Semi.

Albania: Crowd applauds, and I’m rather perplexed as to why. Kejsi is dressed like a B-grade Kalomira clone. She also looks stunned for the majority of the song. Now, let’s address the other things going onstage: namely the man in green plastic wrap and the two demonic looking male twins break dancing. I understand they are going for a dreamlike theme, but this is just weird. Possible contender though.

Thank god, ad break! Although I’m glad I was able to catch the Albanian absurdity.

Ukraine: “shick” is “glamour” in Russian, apparently. Svetty starts by spinning around in the middle of a “hell wheel.” I don’t if I can adequately explain what is going on. She’s doing something close to singing while a bunch of bare-chested men in Roman soldier gear march around flinging her about. And there’s also two women in silver and on some sort of platform singing backup. Svetty does her drum solo (flanked by Ukrainian flags). The music gets very loud and the shots more rapid as the song just ends. The crowd is just as stupefied. Nonetheless, I think she’s going through.

Estonia: Well “Gagarin” is “Gagarin.’ No kidding? Estonia’s chances of qualifying are considerably lifted by the fact that their staging is simple and dramatic (which I think is the theme of this semi). Sandra sings with conviction and a slight sultriness. The fact that it is in Estonian actually is a major plus, because the whole impression I get is “exotic mystery,” which is rather appropriate for a song about nomads. Crowd gives it a good roar.

Netherlands: My god, last song already? Wow, this semi has just flown by. The Toppers certainly shine judging from the sparkles on their outfits. The Rubenesque backing singers only add to the wholesome fun of the song. Surprisingly, I finally get this song: it’s all about seeing your inner fabulous light, so to speak. The crowd gives it a good roar, but you never can tell with the last song why they’re roaring with approval.

Good grief, Natty & Andy again. Andy literally drags Natty to do the ceremonial button pressing. Natty is again doing the bimbo thing, not quite successfully though. God bless the Russian commentators for talking over them.

Recap: Croatia bland yet slutty (except for Andrea)…Ireland rocks with ambition…Latvia not as crazy as needed…Serbia too crazy for its own good…Poland is an island of relative sanity…Norway obnoxiously perky verging on cocky…Cyprus better than you’d think…Slovakia flat out amazing(although they chose the wrong bit for the recap)…Denmark bland and unassuming…Slovenia more traditional than you’d think..Hungary sultry if not vocally strong…Azerbaijan does reggaeton…Greece shows ZsA ZsA how its done…Lithuania quite stirring towards the end…Moldova dances and dances but goes ultimately nowhere…Albania needs to lay off the opium particularly around teenage girls…Ukraine ditto full stop…Estonia stirring and dramatic…The Netherlands is wholesome fun and that never hurts at Eurovision.

Andy apparently is still screaming, but the Russian commentators are louder, because they are having a bit of a serious discussion about who will go through. Meanwhile we see the artists commentating on the graffiti art made for the contest. It’s surprisingly more boring to watch than that description implied.

Recap again: Croatia still bland…Ireland stronger…Intars might actually do the business on second reflection…Serbia still absurd…Poland same…Alexander weaker on second time…Christina’s “jump” might not save her…Slovaks strong, but with wrong excerpt…Denmark bland…Martina’s scream rather unremarkable…ZsA ZsA comes across stronger shockingly…Aysel is better than the song…Yes, Sakis you are sexy…Yes, Sasha you are deep…No Nelly, you don’t stand out as much as you should…Albania still bizarre…Svetty shockingly more coherent the second time around…Estonia a beacon of sobriety…The Netherlands makes us all feel good about ourselves.

Natty needs to kick the posterior of whoever dressed her tonight. She looks like a reject from Dynasty. They countdown the end of voting and we go to ad break. (Sigh, I wish I had gotten to see tATu on Tuesday.)

Anyway, so a couple of revisions I have to make. Biggest one, I really hope Slovakia gets through whether on votes or jury save.

Other observations:

- ZsA ZsA looks shaky for qualification.

- Alexander too even with the permagrin.

- Svetty seems more coherent than I thought, and that is not necessarily good in her case.

- Will from 2006, however is near a dead cert.

- Ditto Nederland

C1R returns from ad break in just enough time to catch the interval which is basically folk dancing from across the RF. It’s very good folk dancing, but is it tATu singing with military choir accompaniment calibre? I don’t think so. They must certainly have something big for Saturday. Apologies to the Serbs, but their final interval was a bit of a letdown.

Russian commentators respectful but not that excited by the interval. They talk over Natty & Andy, so they can do nothing wrong in my eyes. Natty does a failed joke with drawing out the final participants, and we get a preview of the finalists (again). The preview could be subtitled The UK, France, and Spain with special guests: two other countries. In fact I dare say it’s nearly already assumed to be a UK versus France race. (Although I’d truly love to see the Spanish commentator freak out if Spain wins.)

Daddy Svante tells Natty & Andy that the results are ready.

Azerbaijan makes it in. Ok, that was not entirely unexpected.

Russian commentators don’t care for Natty & Andy’s button humour either.

Croatia makes it in. Russian commentators chuckle and are kind of surprised.

Ukraine gets in. Andy screams. Natty wants those boots. (Shout out to Kelly of "ohmahgawdm shoes" fame.)

Lithuania gets in. Sasha & co. very happy, and I don’t think they got in via jury save.

Albania gets in. Ok, I think this might’ve been a jury save.

Moldova gets in. I can see how it happened, but it’s very hazy.

Denmark gets in. That might also be a jury save as well.

Estonia gets in. Hurrah!

More daft button humour. 2 countries left.

Norway gets in. Bugger, but not a shocker.

Russian commentators start talking about Sakis. The cameras show ZsA ZsA looking somewhat pissed and Marko of Serbia sticking his tongue out.

Greece gets in, and that one seriously sets the crowd crazy.

They show all the qualifiers and I can already sense a big “what the hell was that” result from the Eurosong fan world.

Personally, I say Slovakia was robbed, but they also chose the wrong bit for the recap. Yet even worse is The Netherlands not going through.

As for the rest of the qualifiers: I’m calling Croatia, Albania, or Denmark potential jury saves; Lithuania did come across very well; Moldova was such a populist song with clinical performance, I doubt it would’ve been a jury save; Ditto Azerbaijan, but reggaeton is so omnipresent in New York (it’s even used for selling cable) that it’s hard for me to see the uniqueness; Estonia was distinctive without turning people off (although it might be a jury save as well); and quite frankly Ukraine and Greece are two sides of the same coin.

I can’t honestly get too irked about these results since it was pretty much a given that this round would be a bloodbath. That said, I think Saturday will be even gorier, because some of these newly minted finalists (Albania, Romania, Moldova, Croatia, and BiH come to mind) will just drop on the scoreboard.

I cannot help but think that the winner has yet to perform.