How to choose which network news is for you

This is my lil' attempt to help boost network news ratings. (Listen, if they get younger viewers then the non-hypocondriacs will be spared the prescription drug ads.)

So which broadcast is for you?

ABC World News Tonight: The closest one of the big 3 networks is going to get to having a global perspective on the nightly news. (Remember this used to be broadcast partly in Chicago and partly in London, before the whole kit-and-caboodle got moved to New York.) If you like quirky, you get the distinctively-voiced Robert Krulwich giving a light-hearted spin on complex matters. However, the real bonus is watching Peter Jennings (who was once voted the sexiest anchor of the evening news, but this was before Brian Williams, so who knows who owns that title now). Why? Well, as much as I love Canadians (And wish to one day be one), I'll admit it's kind of funny to listen for how many times he says "aboot." The other bonus is seeing if they'll show the reporters reacting when Jennings cuts them off abruptly.

CBS Evening News: Did you hear that? I could've sworn that was...No, it can't be. The bogeyman is here and he's going to scare you with the rocky music and the hippity-hop. CBS's evening broadcast is terror news for senior citizens. It's all about confirming that "yes, things used to be better in my day, etc." The upside--while it lasts--is watching Dan Rather let off with one of his folksy Texan platitudes. Sometimes I wonder if CBS's Newsroom was the basis for Network . I can imagine being attacked by somebody saying "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" could freak a man out.

NBC Nightly News: If the elderly get spooked on CBS, then the middle-aged get spooked on NBC. (ABC tries to keep everybody relatively calm, but suspicious...for better or worse.) Rampant teenage sex! Meth labs in your neighbourhood! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Network news is basically a reflection of the network itself, so sex-and-drugs-laden NBC has an appropriate broadcast. Every story is UNBELIEVABLE and proof that some evil conspiracy is at work to bring down you, your family, and your kid's soccer team. I'd like to think that Tom Brokaw (with whom I share a birthday with, so I'll admit some bias here) kept it in check, but who knows? On the flip side, there's always a plethora of "triumph-of-the-human-spirit" stories that edge out the paranoia. That being said, those "stories" aren't for everyone (pardon me while I vomit.)

Now, if all you want to do is stare at eye candy for 30 minutes and be able to make current-affairs water cooler talk, then here's a run down of the most attractive (male, because I'm not a good judge of females) anchors...according to a thoroughly unscientific poll of one by the Freeman Institute:

1) Bob Woodruff - ABC (Weekend)

2) Brian Williams - NBC

3) John Roberts - CBS (Weekend)

4) Peter Jennings - ABC

5) John Siegenthaler - NBC (Weekend)*
*He'd rank higher if he didn't look so uncomfortable all the time.

6) Dan Rather - CBS**
**I'm sorry, Dan. If it helps, I love the folksy yarns.