Eurovision 2006 Qualifier

For some odd reason, TVE Internacional does not broadcast the Qualifier live, preferring to give over the late afternoon time slot to news and “news” shows (how else could one describe an infotainment show called “Heart of Spring?”). So I am watching both the webcast and the “regular” broadcast which is on at 11:20 tonight. (Seriously, 11:20 at night? Is it worth pissing off the Eastern & Central Time Zones—read: New York, Florida, Illinois, and 90% of Texas?)

Anyway, the main appeal for me in this Qualifier (which really isn’t that interesting to me beyond just making sure that Turkey gets through and be depressed with Andorra) is the potential car crash that promises to be the hosts: Saz & Maz, I’ll nickname them. I’ve seen Entertainment Tonight, and frankly Eurovision is no Entertainment Tonight. I don’t think Mary Hart-like cuteness will play in Europe, so I think Maz is totally in over her head. Saz can probably get away with being mostly mute and smirking at the camera. Unfortunately, that means Maz will be left with much of the heavy lifting.

And we’re off.

After one of the shortest entry animations ever, a bunch of beehived women (I’m assuming they are supposed to be The Muses) and assorted Greek mythological figures carp about to the tunes of Eurovision classics. Honestly, I’m so tired of “Nel Blu Di Pinto Di Blu.” Quite hilariously, the accents are strong here. I’m talking dipped in olive oil and ouzo. Unbelievably, they sing “Dschingus Khan.” I’m trying to see the point here, but all I can gather is that Greek history apparently meshes well with kitsch. Equally shocking, when they get “My Number One” it’s done as a group song, with no Paparizou in sight.

And what’s the closer to this opening?

“Love Shine A Light” as performed by Maz & Saz. If that was them singing earlier, then I have no idea why Maz loses her accent while singing.

Maz SCREAMS “Good Evening Europe,” then goes straight into Valley Girl speak. The pattern seems to be to have Maz be in English and Saz in French. I like Saz in French. It works for me. It is odd and yet oddly welcoming (to my ears) to hear Maz's American accent.

Armenia: The postcards are tours throughout Greece. The Unibrower is given scenes of shopping. He sounds horrible. The act seems to involve him capering about a table while a group of female dancers in quasi-bondage gear do their callisthenics. The Calli-Girls then tie the Unibrower up and then, if I’m not mistaken, they start line dancing. Oh lord, this is bad. It ends with the Calli-Girls drooping like marionettes.

Bulgaria: Greek Sports is the postcard for Bulgaria. So I’m assuming Marianna’s vocal acrobatics are in good shape. She starts weak, but on the upside she looks ten times better than she did in the preview video. Marianna is in a gold cheong sam while dancing women dressed like blue sirens caper about ballet-style. Oh my lord. Some man who went crazy in the makeup and frosted hair bin starts singing and all that preceded it, is forgotten. Yikes.

Slovenia: Beaches and Young Pretty People for Jazz Hands. Jazz Hands has fortunately put on some weight. He seems to have restrained himself from his “Look at me” manic gestures. The real comedy in this, however, is that the choreography suggests that the female backing singers/dancers are all lusting over him. Much to my amusement, he does end with Jazz Hands.

Andorra: Markets and Theatre for Andorra. I am steeling myself because I’ve heard it’s horrible. That said, Jenny attacks the stage! Go Girl! Now, let’s talk about the stage picture: Um, what’s with the Flashdance tribute? A whole bunch of harlots in lingerie flouncing about chairs? Huh? They just look weird next to Jenny, who is gorgeous, but nowhere near waif size. Nonetheless, this is miles better than Bulgaria. Crowd goes wild, I remain optimistic.

Belarus: Architecture, Nightlife, and Islands for Belarus. Good lord, who dressed you, Po? (Pun is intentional.) I haven’t seen that many diamonds and hotpants since Solid Gold went off the air. If this was 1986, this would be very well-received, but unfortunately for Po, it isn’t. I have to say that I find it very funny that Belarus is appropriating many pop culture aspects of rebellion for their entry. Not surprisingly, despite a performance that could only happen under cocaine, this is so forgettable.

Albania: Bagpipe playing men: Check. Twink in inexplicable leisure suit: Check. Trio of jeans wearing male backing singers: Check. That’s right leisure suits, bagpipes, and jeans. Somebody needs to teach The Twink how to dance outside of a Folk Festival. Good lord, the backing trio go all Jets vs. The Sharks towards the end. It’s like they’re all in different entries.

Belgium: Beaches for La Ryan. I’ve never realised this before, but La Ryan looks like Geri Halliwell. She has eradicated any cuteness and is going for the aggressive approach, which in general is a style choice I prefer, but growling “Je t’adore” is just bizarre. I’ll give La Ryan credit, she got my toes tapping, but then again I’m scared of her now.

Ireland: Alcohol is the theme of the postcard. (Burn!) Jesus wept, he is nasal. I already can’t stand this song, but now he’s making this worse. He also looks constipated. I swear every Irish ballad entry has the same two female & one male backing vocalists. Yes, that’s how boring this is. I find counting the backers more interesting.

Commercial break for (cheap) broadcasters, but on the webcast we have a montage of the events preceding the whole shebang. Sewing, cutting, greeting people at the airport, shirtless men, etc. Riveting stuff, I tell you.

Cyprus: Fashion apparently. Annet is in a short canary yellow breast—I mean dress. Well, that’s what is plopped out in front of me. I’d much rather see The Twink’s clavicle, but life is cruel that way. I’m going to be honest with you here, Annet basically sings the Irish entry but better. If this becomes a hit (which is unlikely), I can totally see hordes of American Idol contestants murdering this on a weekly basis. It’s better than Ireland, but that’s really not saying much, isn’t it?

Monaco: Seafood and the High Life. Oh lord, hula dancing. Severine dances around her hip-switching shirtless male dancers. Again, you have two groups who think they are in two different numbers. Severine & the Hula Girls are performing it sensually, and the male dancers are in some avant-garde dance piece. Shockingly, it works…as an unintentional comedy entry.

Macedonia: Aww, Macedonia gets the sun in its postcard. Elenina Sky looks like a cross between Jennifer Lopez in her Fly Girl days and Helena Paparizou. This is definitely subdued given what came before, and still sounds like it would be more at home north of 125th street than onstage in Athens. I’ll give Elenina Sky credit, she’s changed me from indifferent to light supporter. Not like there’s any doubt that she won’t get through though.

Poland: Beach Resorts for Poland, because that’s what I think of when I think of Poland. Good lord, the Princesses are all wearing masquerade masks. Punch Bowl Hair has dyed his hair green, for reasons that are mysterious to me. The poor rapper is stuck walking through the crowd of deranged fans, while the Royals strike poses above him. Has Poland completely forgotten the Solidarity Movement? Oh lord, I do not want to see Punch Bowl Hair kiss the abdomen of one of the Princesses! Ewww.

Russia: The Mullet Twink still has his mullet, but he’s toned it down. Wisely—given the audience—he’s in a tank top. This is some weird staging. While Mullet Twink is capering about, two ballerinas enter and do pirouettes. Then another one appears out of a piano. A piano that is being played by no-one. I think someone needs to ease up on the LSD.

Turkey: Mountains and Metros for Turkey. Ok, Sibel and Jenny need to do a duet. They have got some deep voices on them. Sibel really doesn’t move around much, but her male dancers are on Speed. It works and it’s classic (cf. Marilyn Monroe in the "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" number from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes). I’m just going to call it as I see it here: She b.r.o.u.g.h.t. it and then some.

Ukraine: Karola is dressed like Athena, while her backing dancers are dressed like Cossacks. She’s going the Sibel route of little movement while the dancers move around like mad. The dancers even jump rope while Karola does a two-step. It’s much more energetic than I thought it would be, but seriously Sibel blew her out of the park…Except for that freakishly long note Karola did near the end. Being between Turkey and Finland might help or hurt her chances. (And it did help. Note how all the entries from Russia to Finland got through.)

Finland: Countryside scenes for Finland. Mr. Lordi is wearing a hat with the Finnish flag on it. Well, if you’ve ever seen Gwar, this isn’t that shocking, however, most of Euro-land hasn’t. I’m really surprised that I’m not bowled away. I mean, I do like it a lot, but performance-wise, Sibel impressed me more. I’ll take the fact that the webcast rebuffered often as a sign that they are going through.

Saz & Maz do some business in the green room about televoting. Maz is treating this like the Grammys and she's working the red carpet. I wish she had taken tips from Joan Rivers beforehand.

Netherlands: The Sea for Netherlands, which is very appropriate. Blaundabanda is very well, blonde. Seriously that’s what this looks like: A bunch of blonde girls from The Valley beating drums and trying to act all soulful and cute. The song comes across as a Lilith Fair reject. The rebuffering during this is surprising to say the least. At least you can’t forget the song title, because they sing it umpteen times.

Lithuania: Is this some sort of tribute to Reservoir Dogs? That’s the only way I can interpret a bunch of men in suits acting like they’ve lost their ever-loving minds. Are there any lyrics in the song beyond “we are the winners of Eurovision?” I think not.

Portugal: Seaside Dining for Portugal. We get it, Greece has a lot of coast. Ok, why does the costume designer hate these girls so? Most of them are dressed in Madonna ”Confessions” knock-offs and one is dressed like a comedy showgirl. Since the choreography calls for a lot of thrusts and grinds, this makes them look foolish. Bless them, they sing the daylights out of the song, but unfortunately, the song is just bad.

Sweden: Ooh, it’s the seaside again and this time with extra blue! Carola has an enormous train, but it still isn’t as big as the train for one of the Princesses from Poland. However, Carola’s is blue. Random thought: Carola looks a lot like Barbra Streisand. Contemplate that for a bit. Anyway, Carola’s train gets pulled and the singers come out and wave white flags. Contemplate that as well. You know what? It still isn’t as impressive as Turkey. (And I don’t even believe that Turkey is going to win it.)

Estonia: Cyclists and beer for Estonia. (But is it seaside beer, I must ask?) Ouch! Carola Jr. is really off-key. At least she isn’t letting in show in her face. The performance is basically Carola Jr. strutting about while the backing singers thrust out their arms. They vary things about by having some of the backing singers join Carola Jr. in the traditional Swedish diamond formation. Yeah, whatever.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Beaches & Capitalism for the Bosnians. Ooh, isn’t this dramatic? They’re all scattered around the stage looking like somebody shot their monkey. HMH come forward and sings. The backing performers look at him, then look away. The traditional leggy Bosnian accordion player is back. Welcome back! The performers drop their instruments and join HMH in solemn chorus. It’s like a Greek Tragedy, except it’s Bosnian/Serbian. Grindingly, I say they deserve to go through.

Iceland: Sylvia is greeted by a loud “boo.” She cops out by saying “I frickin’ win.” Anyway, Sylvia is dressed like Marie Antoinette and is accompanied by two male dancers in Mexican Wrestling Masks. Oh yes, that’s what they are. The comedy bit in the middle is well…bizarre. Sylvia gets booed at the end of the song as well. I can’t tell if that’s intentional or not.

Saz & Maz come back on. Saz is dressed in leather. This is a very wise choice, as is Maz’s purple dress. They pull out two Olympic medalists to kick off the voting. Oh boy, Saz has got a very tenuous grasp on presenting, especially when it isn’t in French.

Anyway, it’s the review, and to recap: Andorra was a letdown; La Ryan growled; Annet may very well make it through; Monaco was camp-tastic; Elenina Sky wasn’t that bad; Punch Bowl Hair made me remember my Socialist roots; Mullet Twink was talented but weird; Sibel kicked everybody’s asses and took their names; Karola was better than Carola & Carola Jr.; Lordi was more subdued than I thought it would be; Blaundabanda looked daft; LT United was asinine; Nonstop needs to kill whoever does their costumes; Carola screeched and really did nothing else of note; HMH shockingly impressed me; Sylvia managed to piss everybody in the arena off before even singing a word.

Maz coyly asks Saz to sing. Like she had to twist his arm. Like he would even want her to. (How you doin’?) Saz looks earnest as he sings some mid-tempo song with stupid lyrics. He pouts, taps his foot, stretches and that’s about it. It’s because he’s Sakis Rouvas and we are supposed to be in awe of him because he’s so pretty/handsome. I’m sorry Saz, but unless you have a gay sex tape available, you’re not always that fascinating.

One odd bit: Why does Maz pronounce “Eurovision” so oddly? That’s not how most Americans pronounce it. At least none that I have encountered.

It’s the interval now!

A woman dressed in gold with a mortar board floats up and away. A satyr (although frankly, it looks like Jay Kay) plays pan pipes while the dancers pretend to either be waves or fields. Then it’s a group of dancing women in folk costume. Jay Kay summons more folk dancers who line dance while a dancer dressed like a devil stomps about in the background. (This makes some sense. I don’t know which kind of sense, but it does make some.) The Folk Dancing Men lock arms and…folk dance. Interesting. I never knew that the slap your heel dance was done outside of Germany. Some of the Waving Fields put on skirts and pirouette. Other Waving Fields lift them up. Then everybody grabs a piece of cloth. End of Interval Performance.

Saz & Maz come back. Maz spouts out some statistics. Saz gets bitchy because he’s been in that position before. (Pun partly intended.)

Preview of the already decided finalists: Everybody will have their rear handed to them in the voting save for Norway, Germany (according to reports), the UK, Greece, and Croatia.

In probably the most asinine delay ever, they have the results handed to them via human chain. They still manage to delay them even further by doing a bunch of nonsense in deciding who says which result.

Russia gets through. Mullet Twink punches air.

Maz sings the theme to Jeopardy. Shut up, Maz.

Elenina Sky gets through. She runs about.

HMH gets through. They are understated and graceful.

Maz & Saz take forever to get to the next finalist.

Lithuania gets through. There is a chorus of boos. There’s a boo here as well.

Finland gets through. Lordi gestures aggressively.

Karola gets through. She also gets lifted by one of her dancers.

Ireland gets through. Brian Kennedy looks like he’s crying.

Sweden gets through. Carola flexes her muscle. I’m a bit surprised myself.

Turkey gets through. Thank god, I hated that wait.

Maz & Saz take ages to get to the last one.

Armenia gets through. The Unibrower pumps his fists. I am seriously astounded.

La Ryan is probably pissed as hell. I would be too, especially if I lost to the Reservoir Dogs and The Unibrower.

Jesus, those two know how to work things for maximum dramatic effect. I am now absolutely dreading seeing them slog their way through the voting.