Philadelphia Post-Mortem: The Fraternity of Blue Balls

That theory about being wild whenever I go on vacation? I just proved it again.

I shut down Woody's. Well, I have to say I had a lot of help. We were some very naughty boys, and loved every second of it.

First my impressions of Philadelphia: For starters, I love it, or at least I love the Center City, since I never left it. It was a bit bizarre being in one of the US's oldest cities and barely seeing any old buildings. Were all the old buildings torn down or burnt out? I kept comparing it to Boston, where everywhere you turn you see something like "Old Chicken Coop, established 1699" or something along those lines.

Secondly, what's with all these bars that serve food? I'm not just talking hip lounge places, I mean there were some dives that had cafes attached. It just seemed very odd and very British, to be honest. In fact, Philadelphia itself reminded me very strongly of London with less people and American accents. The fact that for the time being you could smoke in bars (hurrah!) and that even the tiniest alleyway was named made it very much like London.

Tourist board spiel over with, let's get to the juicy stuff.

I was drinking at Woody's, which is touted as "Philadelphia's busiest gay bar" (although on a rainy night it was more like "Philadelphia's slightly popular gay bar), and wound up striking up a conversation with two guys I will call X and Y. X was an actor from New Jersey. Y was down from New Hampshire on a job interview. X and Y seemed like old friends, but no, much to my surprise they didn't no each other from Adam. So we are all talking and having a very enjoyable time, when this really strange man (who I'll call Z) approaches me.

Z had his lines prepared:

Z: "Are you a model?"

Me: "No."

Z: "Do you have a portfolio?"

Me (realising he's not the brightest bulb): "No."

Z: "Well, if you do, I can put in a good word with an agency."

Z brings over his friend, introduces us. His friend, who bore a strong resemblance to British comedian Alexi Sayle, just looked at me with the most stunned expression on his face. I couldn't figure out why, so I did quick check to make sure there wasn't anything dangling out of my nose.

Z disappears for a bit and X,Y, and myself resume our conversation.

(Fun fact: We're all air signs. "An Aquarian, a Gemini, and a Libran walk into a bar...and contemplate it." Listen, this stuff is hilarious with several beers in you.)

Z returns and decides that he wants to break into our little group. I don't recall if it was X, Y, or myself that started the deception (probably X, the Libran, those Cardinal signs are always starting something), but somehow we told Z that we had been best friends for ages. Best friends with benefits to boot, implying that at one point X had been spit-roasted by Y and myself.

Z bought it. While again, I have to say that Z wasn't Mensa material, it was pretty impressive how without any discussion, X, Y, and myself just completely and believably behaved like old friends. At the same time, however, Z was giving us some major eye-rolling statements such as how he is a show-jumper with wealthy British parents, so tit for tat.

The charade continued after Woody's as Z was begging for us to go home with him. X and myself were hesistant, but Y was all for it. Considering that Y was the only person Z hadn't try to paw all night, this was rather interesting. After a long walk to Z's apartment, the four of us plop down on his couch. This is where things got a little sordid. Somehow, with no prompting X and I start making out. I don't know if this was part of our later plan or if hormones got to both us. All I know is that my tongue was down his mouth. This would've been completely fine (even with Y just observing--as I found out later), but Z saw us. Next thing you know, he's practically ripping my zip-up off and slobbering all over my chest.

Then he disappeared again. This is where Y finally verbalised the plan: Get Z naked and ditch him. Rarely have I had a chance to use my sluttiness as a mode of revenge. It felt good.

Z returned and then started making out feveriously with X...while I was still on his [Z's] lap. Trying to get some sense of what exactly was occuring beyond the slurping noises, I relied on Y to give me a running whispered commentary. Apparently it was less erotic and probably funnier than the sounds suggested.

Z tried to tempt all of us into the bedroom on an one-by-one basis (and they say nobody has any manners anymore). Quite aware that there is strength in numbers, we all said no. I caved in the second time, because X shot me a puppy-dog look that signaled "get this over with." So Z and myself go to the bedroom and start making out. Using the infamous "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" I undo my fly. Z shows his boxers. By this time, X is also in the room wearing an expression of bemused bewilderment.

Alas, the plan would not come to total fruition, since I was not interested in sleeping with him with a morning train to catch, and X&Y found him too slimy to go any further than we had so far. So it was a quick dash out of Z's lair after that.

Reflecting on it now, it may seem very evil what we did, but on the other hand, I have to say that everybody pretty much got what they wanted in the end. X,Y and myself got an adventure and anecdote for the ages, and Z at least got some three-way groping if not a hopping orgy.

Moral of the story: Philadelphia is the new sin city.