Eurovision 2006 Final: Shut Up, Grace

The TVE Pre-Show

First off, thank you TVE for airing the Final relatively live (3 PM EDT, with a repeat later at the evening—before 10!); I don’t really blame you for shuffling the Qualifier off into the dead of night, considering that it wouldn’t be of that much interest to Spaniards Overseas.

Now that I just said something nice, I have to say one thing about your pre-show. While I am more than happy to see the return of Don Carlos and his pansexual self, you run the risk of causing people to go on killing sprees by playing that damn “Aserje” song over and over and over and over and over again. Yes, we get it, the song was a flipping huge hit! It’s also their only worldwide hit, so it just makes the Ketchup Girls look more pathetic.

Do you not like listening to me, TVE? I told you last year that either you should get some of the vastly more intriguing (and talented) famous singers that performed during your national final/acid trip or go for a comedy act like Las Supremas. Las Ketchup is neither.

Now, TVE, I want to tell you that I really want Spain to win. I want to Spain to win more than any other country. You’re my pseudo-homeland in Euro-land these days. The only problem is that you can’t keep on sending horrific assaults on the ear combined with bizarre choreography. It also would behove you to consider picking representatives that don’t flounce about like bimbos (and yes, I’m including Ramon in this group) . Poor Beatriz—who for some reason just gave up commenting on Thursday night after Finland (not like I blame her, since the Qualifier was just dire after Lordi)—again looks like she’d rather be offering her opinion without four loud Andalucians screaming inane thoughts right next to her.

Random thought I had while watching the Pre-Show: Luis Miguel, Marta Sanchez, and Ivy Queen. I’m just saying that if you’re in the business of doing internal selections these days, aim high. Luis Miguel would be game, I reckon (hell, he did Sanremo). Ditto Marta (she did appear in the national final last year), and you shouldn’t let the Macedonians be the sole purveyors of Reggaeton in Eurovision. Get those three in the studio, and you certainly would have something unique and accessible. Plus, just you watch and see how soon the Portuguese will grab someone from Brasil, there already was a Luso-Australian in the Portuguese national final.

The Main Event

Credits roll on and to this moment, I still don’t get why they are encouraging us to “feel the rhythm.” I haven’t yet. A woman named Foetini something or other starts singing dramatically. Fortunately Beatriz starts talking and I’m spared her caterwauling. Granted, it’s pretty caterwauling, but it is overwrought. A sun holding several men dressed as Hermes or Icarus (I’m guessing the latter) comes on and if I was not certain that this is Greece, I would think that Montreal was hosting this year and Cirque de Soleil was doing the opener. Foetini sings to Apollo while a whole bunch of dancers turn around and turn and turn. Foetini comes centrestage and finishes. Meanwhile, Maz & Saz fly in…literally. Oy.

Maz has decided to go all Debra Messing with her hair and it’s an improvement to say the least. Maz isn’t screaming, and for that I am happy. Maz really looks like Debra Messing, I cannot stress that enough. She is starting sound like her too. Before I can dwell on this long enough, Helena Paprizou comes on and sings the song that brought us all to Greece in the first place. She, like most other winners, looks a lot better as the reigning winning performer. Her stage show is better, but then again, she’s given several more male dancers and acrobats. Take that six-maximum-onstage rule! Oddly enough, the song seems shorter than I remember.

Alas, Helena finishing means that Maz & Saz are back. Maz--who I am now calling Grace for the rest of this recap—goes all Valley Girl (odd, since she's from Massachusetts) and they open the contest.

Switzerland: Pools for the Swiss/International entry. IUPP start out spread out all over the stage and they are still smiling! Do they not realise what they are singing about? I mean, it’s about charity and how the world is in pain, and they are smiling. I get the sense that they all really wish they were singing this individually. It’s mawkish, arguably insincere, and oddly enough, Andreas and Tinka are the most demure of the group.

Moldova: Beaches, ports, and shopping for Arse & Co. Oh good lord, there’s a sail that says “loca” up front. Jesus, is this Disney World or Eurovision? Arse looks constipated and bewildered. Perhaps he’s trying to convey the meaning of “loca,” but it comes across as daft. Natalia by contrast is self-assured, then again she’s not really going to take the hit for this is she? (Costume changes and all, she works harder than anybody else.) The rapper is just as confident. In fact, everybody else onstage is pretty confident except for Arse, who is barely audible anyway. Oh well. Sucks to be you, Arse.

Israel: Boats for Israel. Eddie starts out on top of a piano, outstretched like Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys. Eddie mumbles the verses, while his backing singers sing—mostly—in key and loudly. Another bone to pick here: Eddie is nasal as hell, and it is impossible to tell when he is switching from Hebrew to English. The song is somewhat saved when they get all gospel towards the end, but again, the backing singers totally out perform Eddie. This seems to be a running theme this year.

Latvia: Sports and kiosks for Latvia. (I’m guessing there’s a connection.) This is basically IUPP, except they’re all male, Latvian, and singing acapella. It’s very cute, but then they have to go for extra cute points by playing around with a robot. (It’s times like this that I wish I could hear what Wogan has to say about it.) The robot isn’t cute; it doesn’t add to anything; it just annoys. Blah.

Norway: Antiquity for Norway. That’s rather appropriate for a folk ballad. I’m hoping that Christine will save us from the 4 horrors that preceded, but who knows. Christine and her backing performers are all in white and it’s very sleek for a folk song about elves dancing. It is also blissfully devoid of gimmicks, beyond the fact that they are in diamond formation with a wind machine. You go, Miss Norway.

Spain: Plazas and banquet halls for Spain. (I’m not saying a word.) The Ketchup are all in swivel seats while two dancers fling themselves about as if they are in a completely different entry. The Ketchup eventually get themselves out of the chairs for a brief moment, but then again they are back into the chairs. I feel for the dancers. They are working themselves silly for these girls who never quite find something approximately close to the tune. That said, it’s not the horror that was last year’s entry. Some year, Spain, some year we will get the win. Just not this year.

Malta: Beaches and resort life for Malta. Fabbo looks dead butch from afar and then we get a close-up. I was worried for a second there, Fabbo. If any song needs to be camped up, this is it. Fabbo’s all female dancers/singers work themselves silly, but this year, it seems that arrangement only works for female singers with all male dancers. Oh lord, did I just see the dancers do the running man? There’s a male background singer (Alex Panayi?) who really just does nothing. Oh well. I don’t think it’s your year, Fabbo.

Germany: Antiquity for Germany too, and it is appropriate for a retro-Country song. Ok, the first impression I get here is of a County Fair performance circa 1955. It’s very cute, highly kitschy, and I can somewhat see the appeal. Quite honestly, the fact that most of the entries before it threw everything but the kitchen sink at us, works in their favour. Now that I’ve been all complimentary and I have to still say that it looks like a bunch of Germans (and 1 Australian who is not Keith Urban) singing Country.

Denmark: Remember how I compared “Twist of Love” to “Hallo Hallo?” Well, it’s really apparent now that “Hallo Hallo” and its campiness are superior. Sidsel and her girls do perform the living daylights out of it, but then they bring out a break dancer in the role of “Johnny.” I still find it odd that there is barely any twisting onstage whatsoever. The whole thing leaves me indifferent to be honest.

Russia: Ooh, fashion for Russia. The Mullet Twink still has his mullet, but his tank top now has “10” on it instead of “13.” He’s also grown a bit of a goatee, because he wants to be taken seriously…I’m guessing. His legs still look like they are made of rubber, but it does seem like he has toned things down from the Qualifier. There is still nobody at the piano when he summons the albino ballerina. One thing that I can’t quite figure out, why does he ignore her? I mean, she’s coming out of a piano! Beatriz is also as amusingly perplexed as I am. I like you, Beatriz.

Macedonia: Elenina Sky still looks like a hoochie, but at least she’s smiling, so we know she’s not going to cut one of those dancers. If you listen to the lyrics closely, you could totally see Jennifer Lopez singing this song. The fact that Elenina Sky is made up like her doesn’t help dissuade this thought at all. Still no winner, but more polished than the Qualifier.

Romania: Nightclubs for Romania, which make sense with a dance song. Mihai is dressed like a club promoter, which also makes sense. He takes the popular route this year of staying relatively still while the dancers fling themselves all over. There seems to be a theme with the choreography, with one of the female dancers getting pissed every time that another dancer pays attention to Mihai. Despite this description, the performance doesn’t really “grab” you. Eh, good try, Mihai.

Since I’m watching this on TVE, we have a commercial break. I suspect that TVE and TVE Internacional viewers are not missing anything of importance. Most likely, all we’d see is Saz & Grace making fools of themselves. Oops, I spoke too soon. Saz & Grace (hell, I’m just going to call him Will—how you doin’?) come back on to tell us that we have 2 hours left. Well, thank you for telling us the obvious.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Market life for BiH. The dramatic stage picture is still as intense as it was on Thursday. HMH is smiling now, which I think is good, though I don’t know Bosnian. The reports have been saying that this song will lose its impact by coming on after the commercial break, which I will say is a shame, because it is quite stirring. HMH does sound like he is going at full tilt. Very impressive, I must say. They deserve to do well.

Lithuania: Paper boats for Lithuania, which makes a perhaps unintentional on the comment on the song that will follow. There is an audible chorus of boos before they sing. Unlike with Sylvia Night, I understand the booing here. The Reservoir Dogs come across as more subdued than they did on Thursday. Doesn’t matter, the performance still looks like something better suited for Late Night with Conan O’Brien. I don’t blame the performers, since they give their all, I blame the songwriters.

United Kingdom: Ski resorts for the UK? The girls sound quite good live. So does Daz. If the televoters share the audience’s displeasure with The Reservoir Dogs, Daz will reap the benefits and he really should. I have to say that this is the first British entry in some time that really screams “British,” and I mean that as a major compliment. The audience cheers semi-wildly.

Greece: Food, music, sea, and drink for Greece. Ouch, poor Daz, I feel for him having to come on before La Vissi. La Vissi is all alone onstage, and dressed like 1989 meets 2006. She does make me like the song more than I did previously, but it’s not an arresting performance. In fact, I keep expecting her to take it to the next level. She does get close to it during the last third of the song where she goes full-on “I’m torn up and going crazy.” Very good showing, La Vissi.

Finland: Art for Finland. Ouch for La Vissi, having to come on before Lordi. I have to say there’s a real angel preceding devils metaphor being written up onstage now. Unlike on Thursday, Lordi is really getting my attention, then again Croatia and Turkey have yet to perform. Nonetheless, when Mr. Lordi sings “my eyes are red,” there is a close up on his red eyes and it is very effective. The song does seem to end a little bit too early, which is a good sign.

Ukraine: Kiosks for Ukraine. Karola is pouring on the cuteness, which is a choice I would do if I was following Lordi. Karola is coming across like a minature version of La Vissi, who I could easily singing this song and doing a damn good job of it. The jump rope is still there and it is a little bit over-the-top I have to say. Karola really works the held note towards the end, good for her. I think she’ll do well.

France: Fashion and the high life for France. Poor Virginie has not been getting good reports from those who have been viewing the rehearsals. She is dressed in white with a cellist. It is very simple and quite a contrast to Karola and La Vissi (who despite being alone onstage damn near filled the stage with her performance). Virginie does come across as sweet, but alas is a bit off-key. Since I’m a subscriber to the belief that contrasting with the entries the come before and after you is a good thing, she will hopefully do decently.

Croatia: Metros and restaurants for Croatia. Damn! Seve’s backing singers are in good voice. Seve is in better form than ever. She really does attack the stage, but it doesn’t really come together until she rips her dress off. Funnily enough, I can’t help but think of Sertab when she performs.

Ireland: I watched the Qualifier with the ex, and he absolutely detested the song and Brian’s performance. (He was pissed that this and Lithuania got through.) If he was watching this now, he’d still hate both and I’d be right along with him. Brian has toned himself done, but this song is still full of mawkish sentiment. Blah. I even think I heard a couple of boos.

Sweden: Bar and café life for Sweden. Carola is in slightly better voice, but really this performance just seems so-so. It is definitely amongst the better performances so far, but it feels so soulless. The white flags are definitely a metaphor and over the top. Another comment from the ex: When he saw Carola, he couldn’t stop laughing. Why? “You’d think she’d have more fashion sense.”

Turkey: Classic Greek educators (Aristotle, Homer, etc.) for Turkey. Even if she doesn’t win, Sibel at least wins for having the most attractive male dancers, who are still working their very attractive asses off. Her voice and performance is even sleeker than Thursday, which was already pretty sleek. Reports had her switching languages, and she does change to English for a moment in the final third. I have to say this (and I am very surprised to say this), but Sibel does outperform Seve. Whether that translates to votes, I do not know. All I know, is that if I was the head of TRT, I’d be checking with the Accounting Department.

Armenia: The Unibrower and the Calli-Girls still are capering about their table. I don’t know why, but this performance and song remind me of Macbeth. The Ex, when he saw this, was very unimpressed and shocked when it got through. I was impressed from a choreography standpoint, but The Unibrower is still in so-so voice (especially towards the end). That said, I think Armenia is probably in the Final next year…hopefully with a duet between Cher and Colton Ford.

Will & Grace come back on. Grace is wearing a very short dress that makes her look like a 9th Avenue prostitute. Will is dressed like Elvis. They explain the voting and Grace looks miffed whenever Will speaks, because it’s all about HER! Will promises us a surprise guest to kick off the voting: Nana Mouskouri. Nana still has her glasses, but I had never realised how short she is, unless Will & Grace are unusually tall. Nana gives a pep talk to the inevitable losers. Then Will & Nana mess up the hourglass.

Review: IUPP want to kick each other offstage; Arse was horrid, but everybody else onstage was good; Eddie was outdone by his backing singers; Cosmos had that damn robot; Miss Norway was pleasantly understated; The Ketchup were over their heads; Fabbo was subpar; The Teutonic Twang was cute and kitschy; Sidsel sang about twisting without actually doing so; The Mullet Twink was still incomprehensible; Elenina Sky smiled and looked eerily like Jennifer Lopez; Mihai was like every indistinguishable dance song you’ve ever heard; HMH was classy and dramatic; The Reservoir Dogs were appropriately booed; Daz was joyfully straight up British; La Vissi eventually brought it, dramatically; Lordi was a little bit better than Thursday; Karola went for maximum cuteness; Virginie was simple, quiet, and off key; Seve attacked the stage a la Sertab; Brian annoyed; Carola has no soul; Sibel brought it from the start; The Unibrower was marred by his voice.

I think it’s between Croatia, Turkey, with Bosnia & Herzegovina and Greece as dark horses. Either way, I reckon we're staying in Southern Europe, and not to Malta, Macedonia, Spain, or Armenia. The only one that might upset that is a win by Finland.

Helena performs some song about mambo that has a bouzoki break. Lyrics and performance together, it is “My Number One” mark two. The only difference here is that she is accompanied by all female dancers. It’s a pretty good song, but you’d think she’d try to stretch her range.

Will & Grace come back onstage. Grace is now in a black gown, while Will is still in a gold suit, still looking like Elvis. I get the sense that they’re not really getting along with each other. Grace is probably miffed that her Entertainment Tonight background means nothing outside of North America.

Commercial break time on TVE, which is a bit of downer, since Final Night intervals are more spectacular than the Qualifier Night, but I’m just happy to be able to view Eurovision live on television and not on a computer.

Will & Grace come back to prepare us for the voting. I wish I had some alcohol on hand, because lord knows these two will try my patience big time. If you didn’t know already, this year the 1-7 points will be shown automatically.

The Voting

Slovenia: Ooh, it’s Peter Poles with a “Maria marry me” t-shirt. Croatia gets 10. BiH gets the 12. Damn this is quick.

Andorra: Spain gets the 12. Not a shock.

Romania: Wow, the spokeswoman for Romania is pretty. Moldova gets the 12. Also not a shock.

Denmark: Finland gets the Danish 12. Good for them.

Latvia: The spokesman comes on to both Will & Grace, you sly dog. Russia gets their 12.

Portugal: Ukraine gets their 12. Karola & Co. do a dance with tambourines.

Sweden: Finland gets their 12. Neighbourly, but sweet.

Finland is in the lead, and I grow ever more adoring of Beatriz for talking over Will & Grace's inane chatter.

Finland: Russia gets the Finnish 12.

Belgium: The spokeswoman holds up a card with the results that says “We love Kate Ryan” on the back. Aww, I love La Ryan too--because she'll kick my ass otherwise. Armenia gets the Belgian 12.

Croatia: Another stunning spokeswoman. BiH gets the Croatian 12. They are very understated and polite in receiving their 12.

Serbia & Montenegro: Huh? Why are they voting? BiH gets their 12, which is no surprise whatsoever.

Norway: Finland gets the Norwegian 12, which is no shock, but still kind of them.

Grace makes an asinine comment about Lordi.

Estonia: Who did the spokeswoman’s hair? Finland gets the Estonian 12. Helsinki 2007 is beginning to look more and more like a possibility.

Ireland: Lithuania gets the Irish 12. Ouch for the UK.

Malta: Swtzerland gets the Maltese 12. It pays to have a Maltese in your IUPP.

Lithuania: Russia gets the Lithuanian 12. It wasn’t that good.

Cyprus: For awhile, the screen reads Switzerland. Beatriz & I are equally confused. Konstantinos sings the flipping 12 that we all know are going to Greece.

Grace leaves to go to the Green Room. Say goodnight, Grace.

Netherlands: The Dutch spokesman says that Will & Grace look like Will & Grace. Hahaha! It’s not just me that thinks that. I like you, Mr. Dutch spokesman. He also comes onto Will, who follows with an oral sex joke. Turkey gets the Dutch 12.

Switzerland: BiH gets the Swiss 12 with no sex jokes, unfortunately.

Commercial break: I bet this is where Grace makes a fool of herself in the Green Room. I’m now revising my prediction. We’re either going to Sarajevo, Helsinki, or Moscow.

Ukraine: Russia gets the Ukrainian 12. The Mullet Twink chirps happily.

Russia: Armenia gets the Russian 12. The Unibrower & Co. make faces at the camera.

Poland: This spokesman isn’t going to make any oral sex jokes whatsoever. He will make a joke about Poland giving points to themselves, however. Finland gets the actual Polish 12.

Will & Grace hawk the CD and the DVD. Helsinki 2007 moves ever closer.

United Kingdom: Finland gets the British 12 and a hand gesture.

Armenia: The spokeswoman speaks loud and flat. Russia gets the Armenian 12. The Mullet Twink & Co. make faces.

France: Turkey gets the French 12 in a very elegant fashion.

Belarus: The spokeswoman is where a bustier and looking like a trollop. Russia gets the 12. The Mullet Twink Company shake flags.

Germany: Oh lord, Axel is on a horse and wearing a cowboy outfit. Turkey gets the German 12.

Spain: Grace calls Spain “Estonia” while trying to speak Spanish. Idiot. Romania gets the Spanish 12.

Moldova: The spokeswoman looks scared and stilted. Romania gets the Moldovan 12, to no one’s surprise.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Croatia gets the Bosnian 12, Seve waves sweetly at the camera.

Iceland: Finland gets the Icelandic 12. Grace proves herself to be even more foolish when Lordi hold up a sign: "I think that's Monster Talk."

Monaco: BiH gets the Monegasque 12.

Israel: Russia gets the Israeli 12. The Mullet Twink Company pump their fists excitedly.

Albania: BiH gets the Albanian 12. HMH & Company look a little more excited now, but still restrained.

Greece: Finland gets the Greek 12. Interestingly enough, Lordi are very restrained as victory gets ever closer.

Bulgaria: Greece gets the Bulgarian 12. La Vissi is also restrained and polite in the Green Room.

Macedonia: The spokesman sings to Will & Grace, but mostly to Will. BiH gets the Macedonian 12.

Turkey: BiH gets the Turkish 12.

And now, believe it or not, Finland has finally won Eurovision.

Of course, I’d rather that Sibel or Seve won, but I’m more than content with Lordi. I am surprised that Turkey & Croatia weren’t burning up the scoreboard as much as I thought they would. However, Fabbo coming last is a real surprise.

Grace calls them “Hard Rock Monsters.” Shut up, Grace.

Fireworks go up outside of the stadium. Perhaps it’s the costumes, but Lordi are not freaking out like most other winners. I like them.

Congratulations Lordi & Finland. God knows, you deserve it after waiting for so long.

As a final thought: Shut up, Grace.