Martin's Stench still lingers: The Eurovision 2005 Preview Video Review (Final Version)

And we're back! This time with the countries that are lucky(?) enough to make it directly into the final. (And I am as happy as can be because this means fewer countries to write about.)

On with the proverbial show!

• Albania: First off, Ledina is pretty...very pretty, in fact. She is pretty even when dressed in her Playboy Bunny/Madonna-circa-1986 wedding dress/hooker wear. (Did Albanian TV get Britney Spears's lingerie-wedding dress from last year's MTV VMA?) I am also quite happy that Albanian TV shelled out the money for a new video (although her performance at the [unpronounceable and hard to write national final] was a camp spectacle). So the plot line with this video seems to be: Ledina is a bride having her "moment" before she gets married. What's she thinking? Well, going by the lyrics--because the video images don't always match them--she's doing the old "I'm not a girl anymore" idea. Lady, you are the Albanian Kim Cattrall. You're quite the voluptuous sex kitten, but no one is going to buy you as a "girl." One the whole, the video is technically good at making you interested in the song, BUT it also seems dated, like a Kylie Minogue video from 1991. A brief sidetrack here to talk about the new English version "Tomorrow I Go." It's not as good, which I can't say I'm surprised. For starters, Ledina is now singing the "di-di-dai" bits instead of the big deep voiced male choir. Now, she's got a pretty decent voice, Ledina, but without the big burly voices in the background the aggression/passion that was in the original version is now gone. All that being said, T&A will get you (and Albania) very far indeed.
• Bosnia-Herzegovina: Bosnian TV has had a good run with the preview videos over the past three years, and the one for "Call Me" is no exception. It starts out with a classic (that is to say 1950's or pre-colour 1960's) opening of "Bonsoir Europe" and then FLASH we see the perky Balkan blonde trio that is Feminnem. The idea here is basically an homage to ABBA and to Eurovision in general. We see Feminnem doing the famed profile shots from "Knowing Me, Knowing You;" Feminnem striking the similar pose as the album cover for "The Visitors;" Feminnem dancing in front of old ESC scoreboards (shout out to Dublin 1987). And you know what? It works. The English lyrics are essentially a naked plea to vote for them combined with the standard "united-by-song-aren't-we-happy" theme that pops up at least once every contest. Personally, I really was rather neutral on Feminnem winning the Bosnian final, but with this video I quite like them.
• Cyprus: He just so wants to either be or bed Sakis Rouvas, perhaps even both. "Ela Ela" may sound like the Cypriot version of "Rumpshaker" but the video is straight from the Disney book of PG rated sensuality. That is to say, you place a man in a tank top have him fling his arms about so as to show his biceps, armpits, and chest hair and voila thousands of 12-14 year old girls and gay boys lose their ever-loving minds. Not me. Constantinos, it is going to take a lot more than just dancing about in some warehouse-- snarling at the camera no less--to make me care about you, this song, and this video. I will concede however that you are one of the better-looking male singers this year. (So far that group includes Nuno, the lead singer from Caffe, and Omar Naber, who just barely makes it.) I'm beginning to think he only enters in years where he's certain to be in the most sexiest man of the contest group. (Think about it. 1996: The only male eye candy there; 2002: His sole competition (other than the rest of ONE) was Manuel Ortega and the dark-skinned guy from Prime Minister.)
• France: National Final performance. I know I should be miffed, because France Television generally comes up with some amazing preview videos when they don't have a national final. (The songs are a different matter entirely, because while Louisa had a very striking and moody video in 2003, the song was still bland.) However, "Chacun pense à soi" it such a great song, that it doesn't matter. Lyrically, it's ace and thank the lord, France has finally decided to show the rest of Europe that upbeat urban French music did not disappear with Marie-Line's abysmal (and undeserved) score back in 1998. Ortal, unlike Marie-Line, has charisma and charm by the bucketloads. (Hey, I liked Marie-Line but a bald black woman cannot pull off cute with sincerity.) She's sort of like a sexier version of Melanie Cohl, because frankly, this song is ten times more sophisticated. As intriguing as Ortal is, she does just barely manage to be upstaged by her backing singers in ponytails and newsboy caps (heretofore known as PnC). PnC are just plain cool with their "I can kill you" expressions on their face. I have a sneaking suspicion that PnC are also doing backup duties for Natalya, albeit with faux mohawks and no movement whatsoever. Two question linger: 1) Why would France Television allow those shots of the stone-faced fat lady (please tell me that is not Marie Myriam) in the preview?; 2) Why does Ortal extend the end of the song with the vocalising? It's kind of off-putting.
• Germany: Countdown Grand Prix performance, and thank god for that, because I hate that atrocious video that is trying to be East Village hip, but comes across as extremely calculated and dull. Gracia is also pretty. (Perhaps all the countries directly qualified into the final decided to add a "looks" requirement?) She also has got an annoying voice which makes me actually hate this song, and I love hard rock in Eurovision. When she sings "hide," it comes out as "hi-di-yi-de." I hate that. Nonetheless, since we're denied the vastly superior "Unschlagbar," I'd rather have "Run & Hide" than some cloying ballad performed by a cro-magnon or Enrico Ruggieri lookalike. By the way, Gracia looks like Mikalah Gordon all grown up.
• Greece: The land of She Who Will Not Be Named (SWWNBN), because I already get enough hits full of pervy people looking for her naked photos. Okay, is there some sort of desire amongst the Greeks to make Greece look like Miami? This video looks like some sort Expose hit from 1990. It's so pastel that my teeth hurt. SWWNBN is pretty impressive, I have to say. She manages to pull off some tricky dance moves without making one single expression whatsoever. Midway through watching it, I begin to think that I will be seeing this at Splash pretty soon. ("Opa Opa" is already in high rotation.) Why? This is basically SWWNBN and her pretty friends of both genders dancing and pouting. No image of who is causing SWWNBN to speak in adjectives. By the way, SWWNBN is either Ada Nicodemou or Ada Nicodemou doing alternate Gloria Estefan and Jennifer Lopez impressions. (That girl can dance as anyone who has seen Heartbreak High can attest to.)
• Malta: Let me start a campaign for changing the expression "like a Greek tragedy" to "like a Maltese tragedy," because that's just what Malta has sent from 1992 until now (1996 being a slight exception: unintentionally funny instead of tragic). Yet they keep on coming back, like weeds. Somehow the deranged Maltese entry each year manages to attract enough voters to keep them from relegation. (From the articles, it seemed like Malta was on the brink of civil war when Lynn failed miserably in 2003.) So this year's tragedy is an old one with a new song. Namely, Chiara (the old tragedy from 1998) with her new song "Angel." By the looks of the video, Chiara seems to have only made slight modifications in her outfit from back in Birmingham. Oh that says a lot about your confidence in this song, you're going to try to get people to vote for you just because you looked pretty back in 1998. Well lady, I didn't like your song then and I really don't like your song now. Anyway, despite being for a dire song, the video is pretty damn good. It's very reminiscent of the videos Ken Hirai has for his slow songs: lingering shots of people looking full of angst or deep in thought; landscapes; singer looking...well, angelic and all-knowing. Great video (although occasionally a bit too over-the-top with the symbolism), crap song that the Lloyd-Webber lot will just salivate over.
• Russia: National final performance, which I think is a real missed opportunity, because this is such a message song. Poland did an extremely stirring preview video in 2003 that featured crowds protesting for freedom in slow motion, which matched the exact sentiment of the song perfectly. Russia, however, sends a girl in wannabe East Village punk clothes and hair extensions to sing a grammatically incorrect song about violence in the US. How's that for mixed messages? "Yes, you've let violence run rampant in schools, terrorising a nation of children, but you still have great fashion sense." The problem, however, is that visually there really is no way to present this song in a believable way without dressing Natalya up in wannabe East Village gear. You wouldn't buy it if she was wearing a pantsuit or a sober dress. All that being said, Natalya sings the living daylights out of this song, with excellent "crazy moments." If there are dance mixes to this song, then taste and tact have truly left the building. (By the way, I stand corrected, the Russian PnC do move during the song. They step a little to left, bob their pompadoured heads, and step to the right.)
• Serbia & Montenegro: Or just Montenegro, although to be fair, "Lane Moje" was basically just representing Serbia. Speaking of said top 3 finisher, this song is extremely better than its predecessor, even though it is basically the same thing: a dramatic ballad. It starts out with these big booming drums, follows it upon with a violin, and then with the singing. And these pubescent lads are more interesting than the swarthy (but boring to watch) Žejlko. The video starts out with an enigmatic looking woman unraveling a ball of red yarn. What this has to do with anything I do not know, but I'm chalking it up to our old friend symbolism. I'm guessing it has to do with the myth that we are all connected by microscopic red string (cf. Urusei Yatsura Movie 4). If No Name and RTCG are trying to sell Montenegro (and I'm assuming it's Montenegro in the video), then they've succeeded. It's a very pretty country full of old churches, cobblestone streets, sunny beaches, and snowcapped valleys, sort of like Puerto Rico meets Switzerland. As for the song, it really is growing on me, with all the dramatic music and what have you. The lads are pretty decent singers, not spectacular, but they'll get the Balkan tween and angst-ridden queen votes.
• Spain: If I had known that Stenchmark was going to win MF, then I would've been slightly kinder to the hags. Well, the witches have added lots of guitar to the song which is nice and lessen the blow of hearing them sing at a million words a minute. Dear lord, they still look like trashy trophy wives! Is this the face that one of the premier Socialist governments in existence wants to show the world? Ay! Some improvement is made by having the hags grope assorted swarthy men in various states of undress (the men not the witches). Even with that, this video looks like the "let's learn Spanish" videos on Sesame Street. In this case, it's let's learn flamenco, because for the majority of the video, the witches are just flapping their skirts and stomachs like there is no tomorrow as is everybody else young and old. And guess what? Gravelly voiced (c)rapper is still in this damn song. This time he's jumping out of the crowd (I'm assuming they are there to stone these harlots not do a sing-along) and pointing at them as if to say "SINNERS," except he's probably lauding them. Why oh why does Spain have to be my "home" entry, so I have to hope for them to do well?
• Sweden: There are three entries this year I can't seem to shut up about on this blog: Russia, Spain, and Sweden. The first one is because it's a shame that poor grammar is ruining an excellent song. The last two are because they are dire songs that for some inexplicable reason beat out a vastly superior song ("Eres un infermo" for Spain and "Håll om mig" for Sweden). I would rather listen to "Brujería" for 3 hours straight than deal with 3 minutes of "Las Vegas." Nonetheless, Stenchmark is still the Swedish representative and I have to give Sweden some sort of review on their preview video. Geez, it's the Melodifestivalen performance again. Is SVT hard up? I have trouble believing that they are, but then again, Melodifestivalen might cost quite the pretty penny to produce. Since I've already written more about this song than I ever imagined I would have to, I'm not going to add anything. Okay, I tell a lie. For starters, Martin, it is MAN-DA-LAY Bay, not MANDELEE Bay. MAN-DA-LAY as in you were Christer Bjorkman's "man-to-lay" if you wanted to get the jury vote in your favour. Secondly, if you are trying to come across as butch and Tom Jones swarthy, do NOT wear some sparkling thing that dangles off your shoulder. It makes you look like Elton John. (Dear lord, I don't ask for much, but can you make Martin get a big fat zero points in Kyiv. I want to see the Swedish press lose their minds. You know they won't take it the same way the UK did. Thanks. --Hikaru. PS> I'll console Martin in my bed and give him some Cardigans songs to restart his career.)
• Turkey: I admit it, I have a dirty mind. The song is called "Rim Rimi Ley." Does that not scream out sex act to you? Who knew Turkey would have the double entendre song this year? Anyway, the video is basically the performance, primarily because it has been redone to the point that it is nearly unrecognisable to the happy-clappy ditty that "won" the Turkish national final. It's now very Bollywood, which in away, is somewhat appropriate for a Turkish entry. Gülseren has dropped the pantsuit for an outfit that makes her look like a mix between a demure Ruslana and SWWNBN. She makes a lot of hand gestures while assorted men (one of whom is wearing CORNROWS!) beat drums and spin around. My description doesn't quite do it justice, because Gülseren is laying on the charm pretty thick and it does say "vote for me," although not as blatantly as the Bosnian entry.
• Ukraine: I said it before, and I'll say it again. "Greenjolly" is a stupid name for a rap group, especially a political one. Can't you just translate "Public Enemy" into Ukrainian? It seems like you share the same goals. As I wrote earlier, this "song" is still a bit of a mess. It's got a great beat, and you start to like it, and then you have two men shouting at you in Ukrainian. I'll take the instrumental version, please. The video conversely, is pretty good. It's similar in vein to the aforementioned Polish preview video from 2003, except not as polished. (And quite honestly, if you're talking about "power to the people" you really don't want the Hollywood version.) I think they're going for some sort of agitprop theme here, because everybody has on these sad face masks that they rip off the second that the Jollys start yelling "Razom Nas Bahato" from what looks like a parade float or pickup truck. Then they start rapping in English. Oh yes, this will be another unintentionally comic moment. Not because they are grammatically incorrect, but their accent is just too funny. (I know I'm going to hell for writing that.) "WE ARE SCARED OF DEE GANS" indeed. It is kind of moving though, but then again, I'm a Socialist so images of people marching in the street saying "we're mad as hell and we're overthrowing you" get to me. (If this wins, then I will be truly surprised and hope that some pop song will overthrow the current US government.)
• United Kingdom: My unofficial "home" entry, since I was a legal UK resident until 2000. It's the Making Your Mind Up performance, which is a bit of a surprise, since normally the BBC has always plunked down the money for a video. I guess Javine wanted something pretty OTT, and not some little dinky thing that Jemini (we're dancing in front of a mirror, aren't we precious) and James Fox (Just me mates & I strumming our guitars, see) had. Ostentatious video dreams aside, Javine nonetheless performed the living daylights out of "Touch My Fire" at Making Your Mind Up. (If you are looking for that shot: visit World of Chig, I hope he doesn't kill me for linking him in this context.) Granted the song is Destiny's Child meets Bhangra, but it's still amazing. To be blunt, the best British entry since 1998.

Best video in the final? Bosnia-Herzegovina without a doubt. There would've been more of a competition if France and the UK actually tried to do a new video.

Most dire video is a bit tricky. I'm tempted to write Sweden, but since I exclude all national final preview videos, I have to give it to Cyprus. Albania is close second. (Again this is video not song, if it was song, Sweden would easily win "most dire.")

Yep, we're weird

Apparently the national press is getting a kick out of the proposed Wisconsin law to shoot stray cats. Here's where I come down on it. While I do remember seeing the occasional cat come a-wandering through our backyard when I was growing up and on times that I've visited, I never would consider it a problem or a plague. I mean, I saw more deer than I did cats! If it weren't for the fact that--at least in Mequon--it would be asking for unintentional [human] homicide to shoot deer in the suburbs, then I'd be all for hunting parties. Not for feral cats though.

Of course, what's omitted here is that Wisconsin as a whole is full of crazy people. Not just serial killers (Ed "the inspiration for Psycho" Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer to name a few), but just in general crazy people. These are the kind of people who think nothing of sticking a piece of styrofoam on their head that is shaped like a piece of cheese. This is the state that while it yielded Tammy Baldwin and that cute Log Cabin guy with the Norwegian name from up North, but also yielded Tommy Thompson and Joe McCarthy. We're passive-aggressively bitchy (as evidenced from the local and state elections--"I'm not saying X is a liar, but..."), but we're also pleasantly quirky. (An example: Milwaukee had absolutely no qualms hosting the US Communist Party National Convention in 2004.)

So yes, America, it is not bizarre that this stretch of land--a refuge for the outcasts from Minnesota and Illinois, if you will--would have a bill giving the right to hunt down feral cats. It will never in a million years pass, but they'll at least vote on it.

Beware the lookalikes: The Eurovision 2005 Preview Video Review (Semi Version)

Blogger is up and running now; Caroline in the City reruns are about to come on; and today is my gym-free day...what better time to start the bashing--I mean reviewing of the preview videos.

First off, I'm going to do this alphabetically as opposed to in running order for two reasons: 1) I reckon the preview videos are meant to stand alone and can't be interpreted by running order; 2) It's too tricky to jump around eurovision.tv trying to sort things out by which order the entries will appear next month.

Let's get cracking, shall we?

• Andorra: I'll say one thing. Andorra does know how to sell their country well. Who knew Andorra has traffic jams and snow-covered valleys in such a small country? Speaking of said traffic jams, Marie An (lady, your name is Marian or Marianne, don't act so posh) looks like she wants to get run over by a truck several times at the beginning. Yet the only collision that happens is when Marie An gets bumped by evil Marie An. (We know she's the evil one because she's wearing black and gives a sultry look.) The general theme of the video seems to be "good" Marie An goes chasing "evil" Marie An all through Andorra while wailing about "la mirada interior" but rarely ever mentioning said phrase. It's bland, and I find myself pondering how evil Marie An looks like Stevie Nicks, but good Marie An doesn't, even though they're the same person. By the way, I've seen the performance video, Marie An (again lady, who are you trying to fool?) better pull out something more impressive than yoga stretches to make this interesting in Kyiv.
• Austria: This is such an oddball entry, and it winds up being even more kookily charming with the faux vintage way the video is shot. According to Global Kryner (and what exactly is a "Kryner" anyway?) "Kyue-ba" (which while it is the way it's pronounced in German and in Cuba itself, still sounds a bit funny to my ears, but so does Kennedy's "cu-ber") is some far away place where sultry dark-skinned women in skimpy two piece dresses travel in 1960's era flying machines. Hmm? Well, Cubana does have a lot of aging Soviet-era aircraft. I'm still trying to figure out where I've seen the lead singer before. Kym Marsh from Hear'Say? Geri Halliwell?
• Belarus: Wow, I never knew how much I liked "Boys & Girls" until I saw the video for "Love Me Tonight." Angelica is so wrong for this song. In fact, I say Belarus and Russia should do a switch. Angelica can sing the earnest-despite-poor-grammar "Nobody Hurt No One" and Natalya can sing the shallow-with-not-as-bad-grammar "Love Me Tonight." Anyway the video is frankly cheap. Cheap like a midnight lounge act in a small town. Angelica, bereft of her Anna Oxa circa 1986 outfit, is dressed in red. Her all-female backing singers look like C-grade dominatrixes in their black PVC gear. Rounding out the crew is a male dancer who disappears for a majority of the song. My theory: the stage can only handle so many queens at one time. As much chaotic fun as it would be, Minsk 2006 ain't gonna happen, and neither will Angelica Agurbash threaten TRL
• Belgium: Another lookalike question now. Nuno is either: a) Young George Michael, b) Young Johnny Halladay, c) Sakis Rouvas doing his best impression of a Luso-Belgian. Either way, he's one of the relatively few handsome men this contest. The video I'm assuming is his performance at the TWO SONG Walloon "final." The song basically involves Nuno singing "ce soir" ad nauseum--just in case you didn't know what "grand" he's wailing about--with dramatic swells in music and lights ablazing. This would stir me if it was 1988 and I had experienced little thrills in life. As it's 2005 and I've subsequently gotten life, it's rather dull. I think this'll meet the same fate as Jonsi last year. Why? Because he doesn't MOVE. The whole time watching it, I'm thinking does "he have paralysis? Can he possibly be that nervous?" The boy can sing, but it's not that interesting to watch. Get back to me when the naked pictures come out. (I'm waiting for the "Nuno naked pictures" referrals.)
• Bulgaria: At least they added an "e" to "Lorrain" so that we won't think they're singing about a town in Ohio which really isn't that interesting enough to sing about in the first place. Yay! More totty. Specifically a soaking wet Eastern European man with boyish looks singing lead vocals. This is a Bel Ami video just screaming to be made. Well, I give Caffe's producers some credit, they've managed to make a bland jazz/soul ballad rather interesting albeit in a formulaic boyband way: We've got the rain; we've got the sultry woman in lingerie (this is Europe, not Kansas we can have PG-13 sexuality in pop videos); we've got the strobe lights; and we've got the old prop airplane and vintage car. They may fail miserably in Kyiv, but Caffe could easily be on the charts. By the way, this video is basically using nearly every attribute Take That did in "Babe" and "Why Can't I Wake Up With You?" Perhaps in 2015, Bulgaria will be doing knock-offs of Maroon 5 and Usher.
• Croatia: Again with the rain! Fortunately, we are spared the site of cheesecake images of Boris, because...uh, no-one wants to see that save for Croatia's goth community. So this video is basically Boris looking serious at scenes of nature a la Brad Pitt towards the end of Interview with A Vampire. The song and video are basically boring as hell, save for some fun bits with the scarily intense looking drummer and the bagpipe player and backing singers who are kept under glass. What that has to do with wolves dying alone, I have no idea. Unless the whole point of the song is Boris coming out as a werewolf, which I will not dispute at all. The video and song get all dramatic at the end, but No Name does this same schtick much better. Yet another lookalike question. Boris is either: a) Jimi Mistry or b) Stuart Townsend after a long fast.
• Denmark: Geez, Jakob's got an annoying singing voice. It's like Ronan Keating but even more nasal. The Danes apear to be ripping off Jonathan Cerada whose video last year featured ickle Jonathan walking through various rooms glancing at the Fellini-esque occupants. No such humour here. Jakob's a billy-no-mates and no-one wants to play with him. Well, there's a cute young Danish Amelie who might play, because she's about the only other person we see. I'm a tad bit confused on the story line here. If I'm reading this correctly, Jakob is stalking Danish Amelie. So when he's singing "I'm talking to you" and no one is around it has this extremely creepy voyeuristic quality. Was it really necessary to perform this in English, DR? Do you want to get a reputation as a country of grinning peeping toms?
• Estonia: Oh god this is bad. If Angelica was a cheap lounge act, Suntribe is a cheap high school talent show act. The girls are dressed up in tacky East Village wannabe gear. (Natalya is dressed the same way. Is this some sort of trend going through the former Soviet Union?) The idea for the video seems to be to throw a whole bunch of unrelated images together because that is how to best express "loud" and it's also cheap. So we are blessed/cursed with Suntribe working out, Suntribe in white dresses and big blonde wigs, Suntribe dressed like flappers, Suntribe in some dance club, Suntribe making faces. Unfortunately, Suntribe getting vocal lessons is omitted...probably because it didn't happen. Yep, Switzerland definitely got the better Estonian entry this year.
• Finland: It's Geir's performance from Euroviisut. Apologies for the bad pun here, but "why" would anyone vote for this? There must have been better songs and performances than some man just streching out his arms, and warbling about uninteresting things that make him ponder why. I say Finland should follow Switzerland's example and hijack some big pop star for the 2006 contest. In fact, why don't they just get Arja Saijonmaa?
• FYR Macedonia: The video is Martin's Skopjefest performance interspersed with the recording session. This song is basically Balkan cumbia and the video does nothing to make me think otherwise. We have scantily dressed female dancers shaking their moneymakers while Martin acts all horny teenager. It's actually rather funny, because Martin looks rather pudgy in his vest, backwards newsboy hat, and yellow shirt. He also can't dance to save his soul. Now if FYROM and Greece manage to bury the hatchet, then Sakis Rouvas can cross the border and show him how it's properly done. I really think Martin might be quite pudgy for real, because in the recording session bits, he looks a little bit tubby in his track suit. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with Martin being overweight (because I used to be overweight myself...hell, according to the USDA I'm still overweight), but the problem here is that he doesn't know how to move so that it doesn't look comical.
• Hungary: NOX says "Spin, World!" in Hungarian. I say "as you wish!" Now this is what a preview video should be like, fierce, attention-getting, and varied enough so that you get that "wow" factor. It starts out with a lone man doing a very acrobatic Hungarian-Irish jig for a few seconds, then BOOM loads of people doing another complex acrobatic jig accompanied by guitars. Now, I thought MTV didn't participate in Eurovision for all these years because they're skint. This video looks pretty high-class. Sort of like the Estonian video, everything but the kitchen sink seems to been thrown at this. The funny thing is that it works here. There's men doing whirling dervishes, some light sword fighting, fake snow, some Fiddler on the Roof-esque peasant women dance break. I may go so far as to say that the dancing here is more interesting to look at than Ruslana's whole "crack the whip, stomp in place" routine last year. We like this ve-e-e-ry much.
• Iceland: Selma is back and what has she brought or wrought on us? Comic violence, but it's cute comic violence. The premise is that Selma has got her bow and arrow [presumably for love not killing, but then again this country yielded Paul Oscar, Bjork, and Gus Gus so who knows?] and is aiming it at her big strapping Viking paramour with little success. Okay, now explain to me what all these shots of Selma going all Geri Halliwell in a dance club mean? As for the song, well, it's nice and upbeat; however, it does scream Geri Halliwell. That being said, I hope it does well and at least charts outside of Iceland.
• Ireland: You're A Star performance. First things first, it says something when the Hungarians can out-Irish the Irish in terms of dancing a jig. My lookalike detector goes haywire on the siblings McCaul. They are either: a) Kelly Osbourne & doomed American Idol 3 contestant John Stevens IV; or b) Chloe from Smallville with a dye-job & Zach-Dana from Desperate Housewives. Ok, on the positive side, it is great to see Ireland finally go upbeat, and "Love?" (with its odd question mark) has got a good beat to it. Also, these kids can sing, although Donna clearly overpowers ickle Joseph most of the time. Now to the downside: Joseph cannot dance. I mean it's hilarious to see him try to act all funky during the instrumental bits. Not to mention, he's got quite the lisp when he sings solo. Yet there's something here that just makes you want to say "aww, bless." Then there's the dance break. Usch. Why is it there? Is it really needed? Did they need to inject a jig and dosey-do? By the way, Joseph looks oh-so-cute and intimidated by the female dancer/drummer. Donna? She's having the time of her life. I just calls 'em likes I sees them.
• Israel: Kdam performance. Shiri looks quite pretty in her Mariah Carey knock-off dress. She also looks quite earnest, which is always a good thing when singing a ballad. All that being said, I judge all Israeli ballads against Rita's tour-de-force performance in Zagreb. In that respect, this comes up a bit short. It's like I'm waiting for Shiri to go all out and she just teases. When you have a power ballad and strong voice, you have to have your crazy moment. Just look at Anna Oxa and Mary J. Blige.
• Latvia: Yep, I still hate these two. They're getting even cockier these days with their boasting of having "the Olsen Brothers effect." It's like they are just egging me on with statements like that. Anyway, the video: extreme close-ups of Walters & Kazha and nothing else because their egos take up any remaining space. NEXT!
• Lithuania: National final performance. Laura sounds like Charleen (or is it Sharleen, I know the lady spells it some strange way) Spiteri from Texas. She looks like a fashion victim. Her hair is done in this schitzophrenic way that is part-up and part-down, and her dress is some weird leopard-print thing from Lithuanian Goodwill. As for "The [manufactured] Lovers" they are as anonymous as well...the rest of Texas. I sort of like this song, but there really isn't anything spectacular about it, and I'm still peeved about Saules Kilosas not winning yet.
• Moldova: Bascially it's Zdob si Zdub performing on a stage. No more no less. Quite a shame really, because a song with these kind of lyrics is just screaming for a madcap video with a plotline. The Moldovan boys in the band nonetheless do their best to provide some sort of zany quality to the song. Eh. I wish them well, but their performance better be a little more memorable come May. Still love the lyrics.
• Monaco: Another ripoff/homage to one of last year's entries. In this particular case, the Monagasques are taking their cues from Cyprus's whole "little girl in a big world" theme. We see Lise dramatically lit up in silhouette. She then sings earnestly and dramatically while the unseen Monaco Philharmonic pulls out all the stops musically. Lise bares a slight resemblance to Britney Spears, but comes across as much more wholesome. There's an occasional shot of some mysterious man, which makes no sense since it's not the late Prince Rainier. Not too shabby, even though musically I liked last year's entry better.
• Netherlands: Nationaal Songfestival performance. I would like this song so much better if there wasn't that stupid spoken bit at the beginning. Seriously Glennis, we know you had a dream! You're going to be singing about it for the next three minutes, and seconds are precious, m'dear. Glennis looks like a classy Melanie B in her sparkling white dress and her performance is for the msot part classy and simple, even when she has her crazy moment.
• Norway: Norwegian MGP performance for the most part [with bits of "life as a rock star"mixed in]. Ok, why are all these big broadcasters wimping out of doing proper videos? I mean Albania, Austria, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Bulgaria, Hungary, and Spain shelled out money for videos and NRK won't shell out for a completely new video? Anyway, if you've already heard the song and wondered if Wig Wam are just as over-the-top live, the answer is a resounding yes. This band is like the camp offspring of Kiss and Queen, made all the more interesting by the fact that the lead singer looks extremely like Marilyn Manson. In short, they rock both literally and figuratively and I love them for it. I dare say that Norway might very well go on and win it, just because of the trend of Norwegian wins in 1985 and 1995. Besides, any man daring enough to wear a sparkling silver jumpsuit in 2005 deserves some kind of reward.
• Poland: Lots of drinking and lots of "lai-lai-lai-laaai." Orange shirted Ivan or Delfin sings dramatically in close up while some sort of gypsy woman or fortune teller accosts him. He is surprsingly not angry, I know I would be is somebody bothered me while I'm trying to get hammered. I admit that I am far from well-versed in how Polish folk music is performed, but Orange Shirt seems to be way too dramatic what sounds to me like a simple happy-clappy folk song. Frankly [Orange Shirt] I do not want to see your tonsils when you sing, and those fists you make are unintentionally hilarious.
• Portugal: It's an advert for Portugese Club 18-30! It's a performance on Portugese Top of the Pops! It's extreme close-ups of two Portugese talent show contestants! It's all of the above. I quite like this, although in the interest of being fair, I generally like the Portugese entries because they are always such underdogs. This year, I'm not too certain if they are that much of an underdog because the song and the performers do have a certain x-factor to them. Unfortunately, the lyrics are an unintentional laugh riot: "Happy pretty way, Happy shiny day, Happy place to stay: We can hold it together." Where did they come up with this? Sesame Street? It gets even stranger: "Pretty people shining, a pretty place to stay, brand new kind of face: I love you anyway." Huh? What are they saying here? Go to Portugal for a holiday affair with an indifferent and shallow Lusitianian? I hope this is meant as some sort of absurdist joke, because if it's not Portugal needs to import some English teachers pronto.
• Romania: Ooh, bare cliffs and desert. I don't think we're in Bucharest anymore. Sultry looking Lene-from-Aqua lookalike and a bunch of men looking angry at white painted drums/tin cans. Perhaps the Romanians are providing the unofficial Danish entry? The whole video looks like some sort of collaboration between Lene and Safri Duo. It's extremely better than the chaotic performance at the national final in which Luminita basically belted and tried to stay as far away from the psychotic drummers of Sistem. I would not be surprised to see this creep its way into dance clubs and video bars.
• Slovenia: Going shirtless with Peter Poles saved you, Omar. It saved you big time. As did ditching the soprano and reshaping yourself as Slovenia's answer to Robbie Williams. Now, your video. Ok...there's a ballerina tiptoeing through water; there's a huge moon; and there's Omar thrashing around in the water with his shirt open. This makes no sense to me. It's all nice to look at and it's nice to listen to since it's been turned into a full-out rock ballad, but still...huh?
• Switzerland: Live performance, since Switzerland had no national final to speak of. Again, I have to wonder "why can't Swiss television plop down the money for a proper video?" Seriously, Switzerland is one of the wealthiest countries on the planet and even moreso they basically shanghaied an Estonian all-girl rock band to represent them at Eurovision. It's just plain courtesy to give them a video. Anyway, the girls of Vanilla Ninja perform the living daylights out of "Cool Vibes" and its strange lyrics. (That seems to be the theme this year: bizarre English lyrics. Belarus and Russia are full of grammatical errors, and Switzerland is grammatically correct but absolutely nobody says anything like: "Stay close to me, infinity. Enigma’s what we share, but I don’t care, you`ll be there.") That being said, the girls do an excellent job of communicating the angst that I believe this song is about. Think of them as being Wig Wam's serious and subdued sisters.

So who gets my vote for best video [not necessarily song per se] in the semi-final? I'd say it's a four-way race between Austria, Bulgaria, Hungary, and Monaco. One's delightfully bizarre and loopy, one is basically a porn film, another one is a serious rock-your-senses performance, and the other manages to be quite poignant without overdoing it.

As for most dire: It's also a four-way-tie between Belarus, Denmark, Estonia, and Latvia. One is a cheap lounge act, one is unintentionally disturbing, one is a cheap high school act, and one is full of nothing but a pair of egomaniacal rentboys strumming their guitars.

More inexplicable crushes

Mikhail Khodorkovsky: For the most part I despise Russia's oligarchs, and based on the scant information that I know, I'm supporting the Russian Government's case against Yukos, but despite all that...I find Khodorkovsky extremely handsome.


John Thune: He most likely stole Daschle's US Senate seat through underhanded tactics. I really can't stand the man, yet I'd sleep with him with the hope that he'd switch to SP-USA post-coital.

The ESC obsession reawakes (a bit)

Not much has been mentioned on this blog about Eurovision in the past couple of days...(ok, hours); however, I am planning on ripping into the preview videos shortly. Stenchmark (tm Keith) and his crew better beware, because even if SVT plans on doing the same thing that did with Lena Ph last year by showing his MF (hee hee) performance I'm still going to rip that performance to shreads.

In other news of things Eurofestival-ly:

• Portugal's song "Amar" performed by "2B" is not that bad. It's got an odd overuse of the word "shiny" which in a way seems vaguely appropriate since 2B are talent show participants and as everyone knows you have to be the definition of REM's "Shiny Happy People" to get far in that game.
• Bosnia-Herzegovina's entry has been translated into English under the title "Call me," with tongue-in-cheek Eurovision related lyrics. The video is hilarious with lots of ABBA references and spoofs. I'm beginning to like the Bosnian entries if they stay like this: Deen and his straight (haha) from Queer As Folk go-go boy on speed in 2004, and now three kitschy blonde girls flat out singing for you to vote for them in 2005. Perhaps in 2006 RTVBiH will send Mija Martina and Tinka dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes accompanied by the top 4 Bosnian bodybuilders?
• French entry rules. It just does. The song has excellent and original lyrics and Ortal's performance is like a toned down version of Nina Morato in 1994. (If I ever wind up being an ESC entrant, Nina Morato is my template. Anybody who can make intentional screeching work in a song is an automatic winner for me.)
• "Nobody Hurt No One" is written by an Anglophone, a Finn, and a Russian living in Germany. It's a shame that the Anglophone (and I'm assuming from her name and bio that someone with the name Mary Applegate is an anglophone) could not change the lyrics so that the very earnest sentiment of a very serious song becomes unintentionally laughable due to poor grammar.
• No studio version of Ireland's entry "Love?" yet. (And why the question mark? When Turkey had "Sev!" in 1995, they added an exclamation point.) Not to stir the pot, but doesn't that seem to say something?
• I'm still getting referrals from people searching for naked pictures of Elena Paparizou. Do your parents know about your dirty minds?

To quote a much over-used expression on Datalounge: "There, I said it."

See if you're so chirpy a year later

Whole Foods is coming to Milwaukee. On one hand, opening it up on the East Side is a very appropriate match. On the other hand, I wonder if all the shoppers and boosters will be so positive when it takes hours to get to the check out with your overpriced organic gruel.

The Cult of Desperate Housewives and its casualties

First and foremost, I have to say I love Desperate Housewives. (Yes, I mean love and not like.) It has great writing, a delightful camp sensibility (courtesy of Marc Cherry who is gay, and a Log Cabin member...but I can look past that for purposes of this post), and very talented cast.

My problem with the show is that it seems to have taken over every single bar in Chelsea. Tonight, I was looking for a place where I could have a drink or two for a bit before coming back to the apartment for a night. I wind up choosing XES, because: a) Splash is 18+ (I'm getting old, people, I don't want a bunch of fresh-out-of-the-closet NYU students reminding me of this fact) and showing Desperate Housewives; b) The View is showing Desperate Housewives; and c) XES is really close by.

Guess what? XES starts showing Desperate Housewives. No notice on the front door, no fanfare, just BAM 9 PM the show is on. I am pissed, because when I go out, I do not want to watch a TV show that I could easily (and probably will) watch at home. I'm also irked because prior to this I had been in the middle of a nice conversation with this guy who is a minority from the lilly-white suburbs like I am. This guy has never seen the show, so I wind up running commentary for him in order to catch him up. (He liked it.)

What was really strange about the show coming on, is that the whole bar fell silent. I mean, dead silent, not a single non-television based noise was coming out of anyone or anything. It was bizarre and a little bit "pod people" like. This begs the question to anyone out there who would know: Was it like this in 1980's with Dynasty or even in the 1990's with Melrose Place?

Inquiring minds ponder.

Gli Plastiques Hikaru

Now available from DBCP Records the debut selt titled album from the new band that is racing up the charts: Gli Plastiques Hikaru!

Featuring the hits:

• Martin Stenmarck won Melodifestivalen because he slept with Christer Bjorkman (and we all know it)
• The Only W I Like is a Hotel
• They Built A Stadium and Pissed Off Hell's Kitchen
• Hey hey DeLay (Send Some Junkets My Way)
• Bozo the Clown is better than the Closet Case Mayor We Have Now
• Dammi Mia Lingua Nazionale nell'Eurofestival
• Ge Mig some Swedish Social Services
• I'll Stop Smoking When You Stop Driving Your SUV

Get all 15 songs for a three easy payments of $15.99!*

*Residents of Ohio, Indiana, Iowa, North Dakota, South Dakota, Montana, Nevada, Alaska, Italy (except Puglia), Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida (except Fort Lauderdale and Miami Beach), Missouri (except Kansas City), Nebraska, Kansas (except Lawrence), Oklahoma, Texas (except Austin and Houston), Utah, Alberta (unless you voted NDP), and France (if you voted for Le Pen) must include 19% sales tax with each payment. Why? Just because.

Slightly Evil Things I Have Done

I'm going to try to keep this blog from becoming "true confessions," but a conversation I had today at lunch with an extremely handsome man caused me to mention several of the huge lies I have perpetrated on unsuspecting people. (Listen, who doesn't babble nonsensically in front of a good looking guy?)

• On a flight from Milwaukee to New York I told a very stereotypical Wisconsin woman (clearly going on vacation) that I was Anderson Cooper's husband. Not boyfriend, but husband. She bought it, but in order to keep her in the dark I had to sneak my way around baggage claim.
• In Palm Springs, a good looking guy (from Minnesota no less, and heretofore referred to as "R") & I started flirting at a bar. We then went off to one bar where I played eye candy to impress his friends. (I did this knowingly and got a perverse thrill out of it. I believe I was a geisha in a prior life.) We then went to a leather/cruise bar (not my thing, but I was on vacation and am always seeking out opportunities to try something new) where some other man remarked how good R & I looked together. I grabbed R's arm and mentioned that we were newlyweds. The guy bought it, which was quite remarkable considering that I added on the fact that we had been together for 10 years, which means that R started dating me when I was 15 and he was in his late thirties.
• I told a slightly off man in a bookstore in Milwaukee that I was part Tahitian and part Russian and distantly related to Marlon Brando.
• I seriously considered going into prostitution while in college. A straight male friend of mine was going to service female clients and I would take the males. (It was going to be a cartel like operation.) The charge: 50 pounds, roughly $100.
• While in college in Boston I routinely gave incorrect directions to tourists, frequently sending them into the sleazier parts of Chinatown or Dorchester.
• To this day when tourists irk me, I send them to Staten Island or Morrisiana in The Bronx. (Not a slight, it's just that those aren't tourist locales.) You'd be surprised how some people actually believe me when I tell them that the Empire State Building is in Grant City.
• "Oh yes, I just enjoyed bottoming for you." (Usually followed by a quick escape out of their apartment.)
• At some internships, I have acted like a dumb spoiled slut so that everybody pities me and I don't have to do any work.

That's all the disclosure for today. Now you naughty Europeans can continue your search for naked Helena Paparizou pictures and praying at the altar of Cameron Cartio.

RIP Saul Bellow and best wishes for Peter Jennings as he fights against lung cancer. (His statement about his condition at the end of tonight's World News Tonight was moving in a very subtle but profound way.)

The weird referrals sent to this site

I'll be honest with you, I'm pissed. The MTA board unanimously accepted the Jets bid. (However, the silver lining is that there will be so many lawsuits and challenges plus NY State Environmental Agency inquires that there's a good chance that the Jets will have to go elsewhere and the stadium will stand no chance of being built for this mythical New York 2012 Olympics.)

So to keep myself from going stir crazy I'm going to take a page from Famous Author Rob Byrnes's blog TRL and cite some of the referrals I've been getting recently. (Even though I've never met him, reading Rob's blog inspired me to get off my duff and get into this game. You're great Rob and I'm anxious to read your next book.)

• "Cameron Cartio" (There's a ton of people who Googled him and stumbled across this site. I have no idea why. They don't stay for long perhaps because they read exactly what I wrote about Herr Cartio. That being said, I'd really love to hear/see what attracts people to he of the fake language MF entry. Unless there's a porn tape of him and Martin Stenmarck getting to know each other better.) Which brings us to...
• "Martin Stenmarck lyrics" (I guess I scared off those people as well since my hatred of Martin's daft song knows no limits. Again, I like Martin, but I despise his song. If he did "Naked Boys Singing" in Stockholm, I'd be all for it.) Speaking of nakedness...
• "sex tape of Ruslana" (Some horny Austrian apparently likes the leather clad winner of ESC 2004.)
• "Kevin Federline paunch" (Sigh...Sweet memories of Spanish Kevin Federline from A-Crew. I now get why all those people have a lust-filled crush on him.)
• "tourada lyrics" (I don't know who in Sweden googled this, but I want to meet you and have your children. Unless you were looking for the lyrics because you think Fernando is so dreamy.)
• "Ninth Avenue Saloon" (Joe, is that you?)

I'll close this with a quite spot-on quote by W.H. Auden that I saw on the Madison Avenue Baptist Church today. (I tell you these Northern Baptists are totally different creatures than their Southern counterparts.)

"Love your crooked neighbour with your crooked heart."

Amen.

Greed and cronyism always win

Warning: this will be long. (I did promise rants.)

All I have to say is "crap." I just heard on the local news that it looks like the board of the MTA will give the Jets their stadium on the West Side of Manhattan.

Apparently it's a matter of "dancing with the ones that brung you." The governor (who wants the stadium because he's in Albany and on the East Side when he's in Manhattan) has 6 appointees who will be voting for the Jets bid. The mayor has several appointees and he wants the stadium (again, because he doesn't LIVE there and doesn't CARE about the residents in an election year!). The only wild cards will be members of the board from the outlying suburban counties, but their numbers might not stop the steamrolling of the pro-stadium fanatics.

I have generally avoided discussing this topic because it gets me unbelievably livid. I used to live in Hell's Kitchen (which is basically where the proposed stadium will be located) and traffic over there is already atrocious. Even on Sundays there are horrific traffic jams as all and sundry try to get to the Lincoln tunnel. Now they're giving the green light to make things even worse? What ivory tower are they living in? (I don't even want to imagine how bad things will be if New York, god forbid, has the Olympics in 2012--which is something that less than half of New Yorkers want and which will only benefit business and screw up quality of life.)

What's even worse is that this bid would basically entail the already cash-strapped city to pony up with some of the money in concert with the Jets. Yes, with rampant potholes, failing schools, striking bus drivers, derelict public housing, homelessness, and cost of living going through the roof we are going to say forget all this and plunk down money for a stadium in a location that while desirable, is basically ill-suited. (I'm with the poor-surnamed Anthony Weiner on this one: Why not build it in Queens, which has the space and less opposition.)

I don't deny that the Jacob Javits center needs an expansion. One thing that is very surprising living in New York is how few conventions come here for a city of New York's prestige and size. The only question is why do we need a flipping stadium in order to do so?

Then there's the Cablevision issue: Cablevision owns Madison Square Garden where the Knicks play, the Rangers would play (if there was a season), and apparently was the site where unkempt Latvian Eurovision contenders Walters & Kazha became "well-known" in the United States. Cablevision has also put a bid for the land offered by the MTA. Their bid would entail building lower-cost housing and schools. All of which would be good, but to play devil's advocate here: they're basically protecting their own turf. (Madison Square Garden is only a few avenues away from the proposed site.)

Reverend Al Sharpton, who for the most part I like, has apparently decided to support the stadium bid because minority contractors will be guaranteed a piece of the pie. To which I have to respond: "to the detriment of the minorities already living in the area." This has created an odd alliance of Sharpton and his (and many other people's including myself) nemesis ex-mayor Rudy Guiliani.

Some quotes from Sharpton on Rudy:

"Even Bozo would be good in that situation." Said shortly after September 11, 2001 when Giuliani was being praised for his handling of the tragedy and many of his authoritatian misdeeds were being white-washed over.

"A broken clock is right at least twice a day." Said when asked why he was supporting the stadium which Giuliani is supporting as well. (I'll admit this made me laugh, but then, I secretly wished that Phil Gramm had stayed in the senate because he was so funny despite his noxious politics.)

All in all, everybody living west of Broadway from 59th street to 23rd street is screwed if this goes through.

Damn rentboy hippies

Since Walters & Kazha's write up on Eurovision.tv stoked my ire several nights ago I am going to serve my revenge with a brutal lyrical analysis of the first part of "The War Is Not Over:"

I slowly walk into the night around
To see how dreams of people die

Why are you walking around at night? Are you two rentboys? Is that why you're so moody and feel the need to harass people with your guitars?

They gently fall from windows all around
And crash against the ground like glass

Listen kiddies, life sucks. Just because your parents didn't buy you an ipod doesn't mean it's time to slit your wrists.

And I’m so sorry I’m so helpless in this angry world
If only I could change it for one day

Why are you apologising for the world being angry? Do you have a god complex? Both of you need some time with Dr. Phil for ego issues.

The war is not over everyone knows it

Okay, just what is this sodding war? The rentboys fighting for territory in downtown Riga?

It’s just a reason to make us believe
That someone’s the loser someone’s the winner

By this definition, "war" could include everything from the pointless action in Iraq to a game of Scrabble. I think Walters and Kazha were last picked during physical education class.

To make us believe that’s the way it should be

That is the way it's supposed to be! Christ almighty these two hippies are insufferable.

But I don’t wanna believe

Then why are you wasting our time yammering about it? Between you and me, you don't buy into this stuff, do you? Does Martins Freimanis buy into it, too? Nope. He's looking to make a bundle with the angst-ridden tweens.

The Splash Post-mortem

For the scant few who have been following my blog, you might perhaps know that Tuesday night is the night that I drink copious amounts of alcohol at Splash.

Tonight, I wound up inadverteningly running an hour late so that I wound up getting to Splash after they were showing the videos and were in the process of changing the seating area into a dance floor. Nonetheless, I had a good time. Primarily since I had been able to beat my own record in terms of drinking: [from just 6 beers to 6 beers and 3 glasses of red wine].

Other funny things:

There was this couple that had nearly identical hair cuts and body shapes who midway through my night (at least) decided to take their shirts off and dance. I found this quite funny, because it confirmed my belief that a significant amount of gay men (in this case those with matching peroxide dyes) are searching for their own twin.

Then there were the go-go boys. A black go-go boy provided one of the most unintentionally camp performaces on God's Green Earth. Another one started his whoring for timps right in front of me. Indeed, for five minutes I was sipping on an Amstel Light trying to ignore the crotch being thrust in my face.

Fun times.

They ain't on TRL

Blatant lies going down on Eurovision.tv. Apparently some two-bit performance by Latvian entrants Walters & Kazha at Madison Square Garden is enough to have them declared as being well-known in the US.

(Expletive) please. More no-name acts go in and out of that place than a group of marines in Hookertown. Just last summer, MSG hosted some big Russian music event with the names of the performers up on the marquee. I was shocked that I knew a few of them (well one, Filip Kirkorov who gave the most earnest camp performance at Dublin 1995).

Plus I ain't seen these scrawny scruffy boys on TRL. Who they foolin'?

(When I get pissed I channel my inner angry black woman.)

We're the 4th fiercest zip code in Manhattan

It's a rainy day here and the mind tends to get a little anxious for some stimulation. So I stumbled across an interesting website that listed the gayest zip codes in Manhattan. I am shocked, nay SHOCKED, that Northern Chelsea is 4th! We're not going to let those Hell's Kitchen queens lord it over us.

Granted this is based on same-sex couples, so perhaps it just means that the gay singles like it up here and move elsewhere to settle down.

French entry has ace lyrics

Here's a snippet (courtesy of Eurovision.tv):

Everyone thinks about themselves
As if they were the only thing,
Everyone sees it through
Just what they really want to do
Everyone thinks about themselves
As if they were the only thing,
Everyone sees it through
Only what they really want to do

Let's look around us
We live in a crazy world
Everyone seeks some glory,
Everyone seeks some hope
We forget all the things around us
Those who give us love.
We dismiss from our memory
Everything that stops us believing.
We leave by the edge of the path
The short-lived sorrows.
Everyone, follow the road
and leave by its edge
every last doubt
And carry on walking.

Wacky Hijinxs at Mitchell Field

A baggage handler for Midwest Airlines got trapped (although it could've been a set-up) in the cargo hold on a flight headed to Philadelphia. I can't say I blame him, Mitchell Field (the main airport in Milwaukee--only out-of-towners call it Milwaukee Airport) around this time of year is like the fall of Saigon.

Note his reaction at the end of the article. How very Midwestern.

The goal: Be a pretty corpse

You Will Die at Age 67

67 You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well.

I'm already pretty lucky, since statistically as a young black male I should've bought it at 25. Of course, I don't think there was any danger of a drive by at a Milwaukee prep school.

No objections to "Nobody Hurt No-One" anymore

You can't deny the sentiment behind these lyrics. Despite the grammatical errors I'm in total agreement with the meaning:

Hello sweet America, where did our dream disappear?
Look at little Erica, all she learns today is the fear
You deny the truth, you just having fun
Till your child will shoot your gun

Nobody hurt no one
Nobody hurt no one (anybody)
Nobody hurt no one
Nobody hurt no one

She didn’t wanna go to school, didn’t wanna face all this pain
Mommy, can I stay at home, I am scared the boys are insane
Don’t you dare to say, her reaction’s dumb
Cause she had no place to run.

Nobody hurt no one
Nobody hurt no one (anybody)
(so please don’t hurt any one)
Nobody hurt no one
Nobody hurt no one
You deny the truth, you just having fun
Till your child will shoot your gun
Don’t you dare to say, her reaction’s dumb
'Cause she had no place to run.

(Courtesy of Eurovision.tv)

Especially profound given the recent school shooting in Minnesota.

A modest proposal for the airline industry

As I see it, the main problems with the US airlines these days is that they are too bsy trying to be all things to everyone. They want to be your carrier all the way from Altoona to Shanghai. This is really not a terribly smart business idea. The solution? Why don't we just nationalise the major airlines? I'm not talking about creating one huge gigantic state carrier, but rather several regional carriers who operate mostly 500 mile flights with several trunk routes. (Sort of along the lines of the telephone companies before deregulation--that hideous word.)

Believe it or not, I'm preaching consolidation (albeit the kinder government enforced kind).

The Northeast: Merge US Airways along with American's routes out of New York and Boston, United's hub at Dulles, and Continental's fortress Newark. The resulting airline (let's just call it "Northeast") would be able to provide decent air service to smaller towns (such as the aforementioned Altoona and Lynchburg, Virginia...geographically I'm lumping in Virginia with the Northeast, although culturally it definitely isn't) as well as operate the still lucrative shuttle. The possibility also exists that the Northeast region could be split in half: One serving New England (former Continental/United New York), another serving Pennsylvania, Maryland, New Jersey, West Virginia, and Virginia (former US Airways).

The Southeast: Keep Atlanta as a major hub. It's always been a transit point and it's a good one (like Chicago). As for Miami, the resulting airline "Southeast" would also take over United and American's hubs there as well as US Airways's fortress Charlotte. The end result would have "Southeast" operating a major hub in Atlanta, and two smaller hubs in Charlotte and Miami. Northwest's Memphis hub would be eliminated.

The Midwest: Kick American out and leave O'Hare to the new United (henceforth retitled "Midwest"). Eliminate Continental's Cleveland hub, as well as Delta's Cincinnati hub (or turn it purely into a regional jet hub), and absorb Northwest's hub in Cleveland. This would leave "Midwest" with one gigantic (but necessary) hub at O'Hare, one smaller hub in Detroit (to serve Michigan, Ohio, and Indiana), and possible small regional jet hub in Cincinnati to complement the Detroit hub.

The Great Plains: The fact of the matter is that Northwest has a near monopoly on air service from Minnesota to Montana. This would be left as is, but fares would be kept at a more modest and practical level due to subsidies. (The Great Plains is one of the most sparsely populated places in the continental United States, if there weren't subsidies, then it's likely there would be no service to 90% of the towns shown on the map, which in turn would lead to economic stagnation.) This airline would continue to operate Northwest's hub in Minneapolis as well as take over United's hub in Denver. (It makes only vague geographical sense for someone flying from Montana to Kansas to change planes in Minnesota.)

The Southwest: Merge American, America West, and Continental, but keep their hubs. Phoenix, Las Vegas, Dallas, and Houston are some of the largest cities in the country. Their respective populations are high enough to justify massive amounts of nonstop air service. Virtually no change save for combining resources and eliminating overlap.

The West: Here things get a bit tricky. United and American have a pretty massive presence in Los Angeles and San Francisco (well, United does at least), while Alaska seems to rule the Northwest as well as its namesake state, and there's Delta's odd hubs in Portland and Salt Lake City. Split Alaska Airlines into a new "Alaska" (operating solely out of Anchorage and focused mostly on flying to, from, and inside Alaska) and a new "Northwest" (operating out of Seattle and serving Washington, Oregon, Idaho, and Northern California). Delta's hub in Portland would be eliminated. Separate from "Northwest" would be a new air carrier formed from United's and American's hubs in San Francisco and Los Angeles. This airline ("Western") would operate equally major hubs in both cities as well as take over a significantly smaller Salt Lake City hub that served smaller cities in Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, and Nevada.

Hawaii: Merge Hawaiian and Aloha. It's quite surprising that Hawaii can support two airlines. (Not meant as a snub, just referring to the amount of people residing there.)

Guam: Keep Continental Micronesia as is.

Now what about airlines such as Frontier, Midwest Airlines, Southwest, JetBlue, etc.? These should remain private. The fact of the matter is that monopolies tend to get complacent, and they need a check to remain competitive. My argument for consolidation and nationalisation is that there is too much competition, not that it needs to be eliminated. These airlines provide lower cost alternatives and are not trying to be major carriers. If anything, having smaller "major" carriers levels the playing field by making them just as competitive.

Why nationalise the majors? I believe that there is a necessity for air service and that some sort of government intervention (in this case taking over and operating) is critical for not cutting off entire towns (or even states) from the US air system. We live essentially in a plane and car society (if Amtrak was given fair treatment by the government, then you could include trains outside of the Northeast and Midwest). It is the role of the government to make sure that where you live isn't a hidrance. A major component of that is making sure that you, your friends, family, company, clients, etc. can travel without it being a draconian experience. I don't believe you can trust a private enterprise to do that, since their focus is purely on profits.