The SWWBN ban may have to be lifted: Eurovision 2005 Final (Uncensored)

A quick note: I cut off the Spanish pre-show coverage a little bit too early. Not much was missed however, save for the fact that they finally allowed Las Supremas to sing “Eres un enfermo.”

The mystical bubbles yet again introduce on our cartoon journey through Ukraine. We then cut to the arena where a bunch of green opaque balls are thrown about by silhouetted people onstage. Lights and drums come on and we see that they are dancers. There is some man in a suit playing guitar and he stands out quite strikingly. Then…Ruslana in white! And guess what she doesn’t start out by singing “Wild Dances.” Her accent is still strong, and her outfits have actually gotten skimpier believe it or not. Oddly enough, this new song of hers has a very similar routine to “Wild Dances.” M’dear, we like you, but you have to expand your repertoire. Her backing dancers look ambiguous. Seriously, some of those men are awfully feminine looking.

Masha & Pasha enter. Masha is in some weird purple dress that looks like a reject from Swan Lake. Pasha is in a tuxedo and still sounds constipated. Has Ukraine run out of Ex-Lax? There’s a close up of Pasha. He has a unibrow. Oh, this will not do. I’m surprised Beatriz doesn’t comment on it. She sounds like she might disapprove of poor grooming.

NOX is introduced by a sped up film of Euroweek celebrations. Dance of the balding men still strong as it was in the Qualifier. The lead singer is noticeably less nasal. Hallelujah! The men, however, sound whiny. Have balding men always had those tattoos on their faces? It looks peculiar.

Javine gets a pretty seaside scene. Ah…Blackpool. Reports have her in bad vocal condition, so I’m curious how this goes. She sounds pretty strong so far. Javine is now in a tiny yellow dress and now looks more Beyonce-esque than ever. Beyonce meets Ancient Greece actually. She does dance and perform the hell out of this. I want this to do well, but I’m steeling myself for a mediocre position, since a) the competition is vicious this year and b) her voice ain’t quite 100% in some parts. Still, best UK entry in a long time.

Chiara gets firemen and fire in general. (Shouldn’t this go to Javine?) She’s alone onstage. (I’m keeping the jokes to myself.) Her voice continually surprises me. I keep expecting her to belt this song, but she stays permanently in this high, breathy voice that grates on my nerves. The crowd keeps applauding through it. Well people, you forced my hand, you people need to get out more if this is thrilling to you. They go wild, I go grab a soda.

Industry for Luminita & Sistem. Oh, the sparks! She’s still in the same busom-friendly corset. If the leaked out semi-final results are something to go by, this swept the Qualifier. If so, I am truly surprised because this really is not much. Screeching woman and a bunch of men pounding on drums. It gets really daft when Luminita joins in the drumming. The crowd “ooohs” and “ahhhs” for the sparks. They really lead sheltered lives, I tell you. Lord does she pour out the “thank you”s afterwards.

Grassland for Wig Wam. (I’m not saying there’s a connection there.) Well, Glam seems to have brought his A-game tonight because it doesn’t sound and look watered down as it did in the Qualifier. That being said, he has reverted back to the hirsute Marilyn Manson look, and that jumpsuit is doing him no favours. Waving the Orange flag is really cynical, I’m sorry. They’ll still win it or come 2nd.

Turkey gets oddly Turkish inspired scenes by the sea. This is now billed as being “Rimi Rimi Ley” as performed by “Gulseren & Shaman.” Wow, she really looks very Bollywood screen princess now. Words truly can’t describe it, but it’s a pretty (albeit near drag) look. Lots of dancing in this one. Lots of bare stomachs and arms on every one except for Gulseren. And just who is Shaman?

Zdob boys & Granny get break dancing and old men in their postcards. Yeah, that’s a good match. The lead singer is now shirtless with body paint over his right pec. He’s quite fit actually, like a young Iggy Pop. This is like Rusted Root concert on acid. Ponder the possibilities of Chisnau 2006 for awhile. He has corrected his grammar somewhat and says “gentlemen” now. He still screams “let’s make love,” and I hate to say this, but I have no idea where his crotch has been, so no.

Ledina gets street scenes. She does look kind of hooker-like, so I get it. Nice opening with Ledina whipping red scarves off of her “violinists” and drummer/acrobat. She actually looks very similar to Rita Guerra from 2003 and less trashy. The violinists however are pretty annoying. Pretty, but doing some atrocious choreography. The song ends with the drummer wrapping all the women in red fabric. O-k.

Konstantinos (aka Sakis Rouvas mk. II) is wearing a white shirt and pants and god, is this boy fey. Elina (of Greece 95) looks like she belongs in 1983 with that Irene Cara ensemble. There’s a bunch of moving mirrors here, and this whole thing is so choreography intense that you forget that there is a song. The music changes halfway through and they chant “come baby, come baby” as if it’s a mantra. Everybody onstage is taking this whole song way too seriously. The don’t-fuck-with-me-fellas look Konstantinos gives at the end just proves that point.

Son de Sol (aka the hags) get motorways in their postcard. Beatriz is only mildly enthusiastic about it. Well, well. We have the hags in their Andalucian dresses in blue, red, and gold. We have two faux bikers dancing backup, and we still have that horrid rapper. The hags have their bosoms on full display, so we know which vote their aiming for. It’s all quite tacky, and we know that Las Supremas would’ve brought it big time.

Shiri gets painters, lovers, and blimps. That’s not kind, she’s buxom, not fat. After Luminita, Ledina, and the hags, Shiri’s breasts seem downright modest. (And by the way, no gay man should have to discuss breasts this much unless they’re a gynaecologist.) Anyway, Shiri performs as strong as she did in the Qualifier, and frankly, I think she runs circles around Chiara, despite the lack of a crazy moment. (Then again, Chiara didn’t have one either.) It’s no “Shara Barechovot” but it’ll do.

No Name is introduced by pottery and…break dancing in folk costumes? These are some weird postcards. Oh lord, this is one daft opening. 4 of the boys put their hands up in the air, while the two singers walk down front like a teenage gay wedding. Then there’s a bit of Zorba-the-Greek style dancing, followed by two of them going crazy on the drums. Some more dancing and AIR VIOLIN!?! This song now has such a strong homoerotic subtext to it now. Well, this’ll never win but good on them for pouring on the homoeroticism.

A brief video showing all the contestants without makeup amongst other things. All I’m saying is that some of them should really keep the puff handy.

Pasha & Masha come back to pimp the official companion book. Masha is taking some coke breaks, I tell you. (And I don’t mean soda.) Pasha is on scag and still has his unibrow.

Denmark. Ships. Enough said. Jacob still whines like Ronan Keating, but will the Dambs still be daft? Yes, they are. Elvis can shake his hips. Mick Jagger can shake his hips. These Danes can’t, nor should they be allowed to…at least not on international television. This really is dire, to be honest. It’s like a bunch of Connecticut town fathers performing Four Tops hits. Blech.

Stenchmark gets the sea in his postcard…because he stinks, get it? Stinky’s jacket is less Liberace like and devoid of many sparkles. His backing bimbos are in catsuits, and I have to say they are pretty impressive with the choreography if not necessarily the vocals. Stinky barely moves and seems to be content with a simple 2 step. (Stinky doesn’t like complex thoughts, see.) As good looking as Stinky is, this song would be vastly more interesting with just the backing bimbos.

Martin (Balkan version) gets smokestacks in his postcard. I hate to say something nice about Stinky, but he would do a vastly better job with this song than Martin would. The camera does a close up of Martin when he sings “eyes” and clearly indicates the bags Martin has under them. There is so much lethargy onstage that the Balkan cumbia girls are the only people getting close to sweating. Martin’s male backing singers are truly pathetic. Unbelievable considering that Macedonia generally has excellent backing singers.

Greenjolly (hahaha) gets a bunch of people wearing orange in the street. (Like they’d pass up that opportunity.) This song still sounds fucking cool until they open their mouths. Jesus wept, they have two male dancers in hoods and chains onstage. They look like they have rickets when they dance. This really is like some bad agitprop theatre. What’s really weird, is that if you close your eyes it’s very stirring. Amazing what bad choreography can do. Bald rapper should never inflict his singing on EBU-land. Yeah, yeah, revolution, whatever.

Gracia gets scenes of an outside concert and a bar. After Norway and Ukraine, this really sounds like crap, frankly. That being said, Gracia has de-Mikaylah Gordon-ed herself by looking like some sort of biker dominatrix. This really is a so-so rock song, no more no less. The drummer’s fit though.

Boris is introduced by a bunch of women. Well, if the women were the only people onstage, it would be a considerably better song. Ok, I’ll be a real bitch queen here: those backing singers should not bare their midriffs. It does make them look like cheap harlots, and they most certainly aren’t that. (They’re extremely talented cheap harlots.) It sounds like they are singing “do-ro-bo” during the middle section, which elicits a laugh out of me. (“Dorobo” is Japanese for thief.) Great performance by everybody, except Boris who manages to give his all while seeming comatose.

SWWBN gets behind-the-scenes as her postcard. Good lord, she looks like slutty cheerleader. Pretty amazing with the choreography and I think this could honestly win it…if this was any other year than 2005. The competition is fierce this year. Her male dancers go bare-chested pretty quickly, and that is always a good thing. Good god, they all form a “1” during the dance break. All around excellent despite that OTT moment. (Beatriz found it funny.)

La Podolskaya gets scenes from a church. Yes, that’s quite a good way to introduce a song of school violence. She’s ditched the East Village look in favour of a sparkling Britney Spears bondage ensemble. The Russian PnC are neither in ponytails nor caps, but they still barely move. That is fine by me, since La Podolskaya does perform the living daylights out of it, though I still wonder if she really knows what she’s singing about, because at times I think she’s more focused on making sure the wind machine hits her hair correctly. In a weaker year this would walk it, but that’s not the case this year. Sorry.
(Better than Gracia though.)

Feminem gets shots of hills and dancing village girls. (I give up.) The women are dressed in pink Ancient Greek dresses. The general theme seems to be “watch us swivel our hips and see our backs.” This really is rather dated, but it goes along well with the trend of dancing, happy Bosnian entries. Excellent powerful singing, I must say, especially after all the spinning they have to do. Crowd appropriately goes wild afterwards.

Vanilla Ninja gets a band in a horse-drawn cart in their postcard. It oddly fits, given the dark mood of the song. They still look like a band composed of Lindsay Lohan clones, but I didn’t hold that against them in the Qualifier, and I won’t hold that against them now. Frankly, this is the rock song of this contest and deserves to win. The flag wavers in the crowd go crazy during this.

Rentboy hippies next. Their postcard is basically scenes from the country. (There are rural male prostitutes too, you know.) I’m already coming into this hating them, and so the fun in this entry is waiting for one of them to mess up. Blonde rentboy hippie with the big nose is wearing an ugly pattern of circles on his jacket. Why does he think he’s so special? No Name clearly beat them for me. One of them arrogant shouts “thank you people” at the end.

Ortal is appropriately introduced by a fashion show. (France = Fashion.) Beatriz mentions that France hasn’t won since 1977. (Pot calling the kettle black, if you ask me.) Ortal is in a far from flattering yellow dress, while her backing singers/dancers are in far sexier black tank tops/blouses. Her male dancers do give the Greek boys a good run for their money in terms of male beauty. This song does have excellent lyrics, but Ortal is really underperforming this song. Her backing however, is kicking ass. I know this won’t win, but I do hope it places midtable.

Pasha & Masha come back. Masha is still high and wearing Studio 54 silver. Pasha has a silver bowtie now. (He can only take so much change.) They bring out the Klitchko brothers (boxers) to ring the bells to start the voting. Vladimir speaks excellent sane English, I have to say. Why are we stuck with Pasha?

Recap. Chiara really pales in comparison to Shiri. Wig Wam is 85% what they could be. Zdob si Zdub still deranged in a good way. Konstantinos still prancing around like a sadistic dance coach. The hags look positively conservative compared to what preceded them. No Name is homoerotic and wholesome. Stinky still stinky. Martin is the personification of half-assed effort. Greenjolly should never let that man sing, and should shoot their choreographers. Boris is emotive and comatose simultaneously. SWWBN flipping brilliant. La Podolskaya: vapid or soulful? We don’t know yet. Feminem are talented. The Lindsay Lohan clones kick most of the other entries’ asses. Ortal is 45% away from where she should be.

Pasha & Masha annoyingly introduce a film about Kiev/Kyiv and the preparations done to the arena. After seeing Vladimir, I so want him to take out Pasha and slap him out of his monotone. The film ends and they cut to a live shot from Independence Square in downtown Kyiv/Kiev. As annoying as these two are, I do like their countdown towards the end of the voting period.

Interval now. A bunch of men beat on drums. Why do they all look like Yanni? They are identified as the Kiev Percussion Ensemble “ARS-NOVA.”

Arses over with, we see some man dance and struggle in his pyjamas. I’m certain there’s a message here beyond “wow, is he flexible.” Yet whatever it is, it’s lost to me. I just keep on wondering what his abdominal routine is. He sheds his shirt and I’m beginning to think that his trousers are next, but he puts it back on.

The Arses start up again, this time to introduce Ruslana. Now she’s all in red, with what looks like a candy necklace. Her backing dancers are now all male, but they all look like extras from Flash Gordon. Wrote too soon. She brought on some women backers now and they are dressed exactly the same. Now, is Ruslana an insecure woman? She seems to ugly up all of her backing dancers male and female. All that being said, this song of hers is pretty good except that they keep playing “Te Deum” over it. That’s mean of them.

Pasha & Masha come back to start the voting. Pasha is in the greenroom which looks like a Beaux-Arts meets Soviet functionality ballroom. Oh lord, Masha is going to be handling the voting. This is going to be a long results segment. Pasha rushes onstage just before Austria gives their vote. (I can’t believe I’m happy to see Pasha, but the thought of dealing solely with Masha is terrifying.)

These votes are long, so I’m only recapping the 12 points.

Austria: 12 to Serbia & Montenegro (none to Hungary or Switzerland!)
Lithuania (very fit spokesperson): 12 to Latvia. (Why?)
Portugal (wow, she’s not modest): 12 to Romania
Monaco (the Monegasque Alanis Morrisette): 12 to Israel
Belarus (oh my god, what is this blonde bimbo wearing?): 12 to Russia (La Podolskaya is from Belarus, you know)
Netherlands (does she have any clothes on?): 12 to Turkey
Iceland (blue bondage gear, nice idea): 12 to Norway (Denmark was too sedate for the 12)
Belgium (that’s a big necklace): 12 to Greece (none to Switzerland or France)
Estonia (Maarja is getting more conservative these days): 12 to Switzerland (guilt points)
Finland (Jari is camper than ever, Beatriz even laughs at him): 12 to Norway (Long live Nordic Rock)

Switzerland is now in the lead with Israel and Malta close by.

Andorra (Her French confused Pasha, haha): 12 to Spain (like that was a shock)
Bulgaria (She’s pretty and modest. I like her): 12 to Greece (Hands across the Balkans)
Ireland (Dana hasn’t aged well. Hate does that to you): 12 to Latvia (Shame, shame, shame)
Slovenia: 12 to Croatia
Poland (Not reading the votes, but the headlines): 12 to Ukraine (Aww, that’s sweet of them)
Hungary (a very sober-looking woman): 12 to Greece
UK (Cheryl Baker getting tipsy. Nice.): 12 to Greece
Malta: 12 to Cyprus (Solidarity between small islands)

Greenroom now with Ruslana & Vladimir. This is truly beyond funny. They are hamming this up so much. Think about it, we nearly got them as host. Oh, that would’ve been fun.

Romania (He gets little thrills in life): 12 to Moldova (aka Romania East)
Norway (What the hell is she wearing? And what are her drugs, because I want them): 12 to Denmark (Thank god it wasn’t to Stinky)

Latvia in the lead closely followed by Greece. Guess which one I want to win between those two.

Turkey (say no to sparkling sweaters): 12 to Greece (I have hope for world peace now.)
Moldova (Yikes, does she know that it’s not 1991?): 12 to Latvia (Romania only got 7.)
Albania (The Director of the Albanian National Opera? Huh?): 12 to Greece (See Turkey.)
Cyprus: 12 to Greece (No surprise, but never before so critical for a win)
Spain (Ainhoa is noticeably competent than earlier): 12 to Romania
Israel ("the results of the Israeli audience?" Correct, but strange): 12 to Romania (They lose it in the greenroom)
Serbia & Montenegro (They’re very serious in Podgorica, aren’t they?): 12 to Greece (Now the Greeks are losing it.)
Denmark (Hehe. Danish is a funny language.): 12 to Norway (Eww. Glam licked his finger at me.)
Sweden (I like her. She’s matronly and funky.): 12 to Greece (SWWBN is Swedish, and she loses it in Swedish in the Greenroom.)
Macedonia (Is that Karolina? Go girl!): 12 to Albania (Diaspora)

Greece is in the lead, Romania not close, Malta even further away.

Ukraine (Now that’s blonde! And they have a blonde moment with the votes too): 12 to Moldova
Germany (Axel is his sparkly self): 12 to Greece (SWWBN is loses it. Beatriz comments on the Turkish diaspora.)
Croatia (So that’s where Pink has been?): 12 to Serbia & Montenegro
Greece (A sports commentator. Extremely collected given the results so far): 12 to Cyprus (Doesn’t help them.)
Russia (She’s posh, isn’t she?): 12 to Malta (No comment.)
Bosnia & Herzegovina (That’s Miss Bosnia?): 12 to Croatia (Ditto.)
Switzerland: 12 to Serbia & Montenegro (No Name jump.)
Latvia (Wow, Marie N has changed): 12 to Switzerland (The Lindsay Lohans lose it.)
France (Putting on a brave face): 12 to Turkey

Greece wins it! Thank god, I was worried that it was going to be the rentboy hippies. SWWBN is noticeably composed considering that the Greeks have been praying for a win for many years.

Interesting tidbit: The Big 4 are the bottom 4, if my last check of the scoreboard was correct.

Pasha makes a tedious “[SWWBN] & Ruslana” joke. And guess who presents the award? President Yushchenko himself. Fancy. Actually, it’s quite moving to be honest.

SWWBN reprises and does a bang-up job. She deserves it. I think she out “Javined” Javine.