Eurovision 2006 Preview Video Showdown: Part 1

A to C.

Ok, so this is how the preview video showdown works. I watch 30 seconds of each video and write my impression. In the interest of fairness, I'm going to approach these with an open mind (although I'm only human) .

Here it goes.

• Albania: Cheap as hell (it looks like something from public access television) , especially comparing it to last year's. Anyway, we've got the twink looking moody around a table surrounded by a troupe of men in folk costumes. Just so that this doesn't take on a chicken hawk theme, there's a quick little picture of some smirking girl (who I swear has to be under 16), who I guess is haunting Luiz. Unintentional comedy moment: One of the men in folk costumes starts blowing his bagpipes (and I mean seriously blowing a la Dizzy Gillespie) while the rest of them dance around a pool. It's like Monty Python.
• Andorra: Voice. Of. The. Year. The story here is a bit unclear to me, but I gather that Jennifer has been dumped post-coitally and is soothing her ache by writing "sense tu" in lipstick on her mirror. (You know you're going to have to be the one to clean that up, right?) Then her mascara runs and she apparently takes her makeup tips from Tammy Faye. Then all of a sudden, she's in a nightclub wearing a dress that boosts her already ample bosoms. I'm guessing the story is that some person broke her heart, yet the show must go on. How very Liza Minnelli.
• Armenia: Candles and shots of Andre's crotch and unibrow. (No, I'm not going to let this go. There's nothing rugged about unibrows.) He goes between trying to look like some reject from the grunge era with long hair and ripped jeans to wearing a white top hat. He sings, but the visual is louder than any note that he makes. Armenian Television should've gone for the Cher & Colton Ford duet.
• Belarus: Woman in hot pants and hair blowing wildly cavorts around a set made up of dancers and blinking lights. They don't know democracy in Belarus, and they certainly don't know how to go for the gay male vote either. Polina's vague approximation of the English language doesn't help either. La Podolskaya could run circles around this slapper.
• Belgium: For starters, of all the stage names to have, Kate Ryan? Oy. Anyway, this year's probable winner cavorts around in Thailand--you didn't think Belgium was a lush, tropical paradise did you? And that's basically it. It's Kate in a cave, Kate on a speedboat, Kate in front of a door. Think of every nameless dance singer's video you've seen and you've got this one down to a T. See you in Antwerp next year.
• Bosnia-Herzegovina: Do I really have to sit through 30 seconds of this? Crap, I guess I do. Anyway, lots of shots of nature and old towns with some CGI waves interpersed. The theme here is that man (in this case, Hari) is nothing compared to the awesomeness of the world around us. I am surprised that Hayao Miyazaki didn't direct this video, because it certainly screams his work. In the interest of being kind, I will say that it manages to make a mind-numbing song seem much more interesting than it actually is, which is what a video is supposed to do.
• Bulgaria: Soft-core porn alert! What is it with the Bulgarians and their softcore porn preview videos? Last year featured the very handsome lead singer of Kaffe cavorting around half-naked (one assumes he wasn't completely nude) with a woman, this time we have the quite cute Mariana doing the same with some random man. If you've ever watched Cinemax after Midnight, then you can envision what this looks like: lots of silk, arching bodies, a rotating bed, and Mariana with bed head. I should also mention that this video's "narrative" consists of Mariana emoting herself post-coitus.
• Croatia: Tsk, tsk, it's her Dora performance. A bit of a shame since Seve could easily out-sex Mariana in video form. The song's lyrics even say "s...s...sex." She's very much in touch with her inner freak.
• Cyprus: Another national final performance video. At least Severina had a great song and performance. Annette just has breasts and big hair. This song is just dire. Unoriginal and Annette's performance is very "sing, baby, sing!"

Next time: Denmark twists, Estonia goes Swedish, Finland taps into American teen angst, Macedonia Nina Sky-s, German country music (as fronted by an Australian woman), and another Greek tragedy.