Eurovision 2006 Preview Video Showdown: Part 3

I to M

• Iceland: I know this is supposed to be a parody of Eurovision entrants, but the video seems like a subtle dig at Whitney Houston. How so? The set looks uncannily like the one for "How Will I Know?" and Silvia's wardrobe is very similar to Mrs. Brown's in some scenes. There are also pretty strong digs at Bjork. The original English lyrics included "fuck" in them, alas, that's gone.
• Ireland: Brian wails that "every song is a cry for love" in the middle of [what I'm assuming is] Dublin's airport. If I was in earshot of some whining man with shoulder-length hair, I'd be hightailing it to the next plane headed to the Antipodes. What's really hilarious is how absolutely indifferent everyone in the background is to him. I can't help but think that some of them are thinking "who is this twat blocking up the moving walkway, and when will he shut his yap up and MOVE?"
• Israel: Kdam performance. Eddie wears white, utters the occasional phrase in English, and does his best Luther Vandross impression. Strike that, make it Luther Vandross and Patti LaBelle impression. (Who knew men could do Patti's chicken?)
• Latvia: National final performance. I have generally been uninterested in Latvian finals, and this is just really gives me more reason to ignore them in the future. A whole bunch of scraggly looking men sing acapella. Pink (or P!nk, if you will) is performing "Stupid Girls" on Today, as I write this. Today show live performances tend to make the most energetic performer seem milquetoast, and yet, it's inherently more interesting than anything going on with the Latvian preview.
• Lithuania: Collage of various performances and studio shots here. No real narrative, which means they missed a great opportunity for a soccer/football inspired video, especially given the group's name of LT United. Anyway, the song is daft and not even close to Iceland when it comes to parody. Remember how cringe-inducing those sports team music videos are ("the ickey shuffle," for example), primarily due to atrocious singing and annoying synth in the background? Bleech.
• Malta: Fab has a spat with his grilfriend. She seems to be the instigator based on what the director told her ("look angry!"). They spend the rest of the time longing for each other to upbeat dance music. Poor Fab. You know he wants to be a sex symbol, but he just can't pull it off, by which I mean, there is no gratuitous shirtless shots. I could slam this all I want, and yet, I pretty much know that this year is going to come down to Fab vs. La Ryan.
• Moldova: National final performance. Moldova's most famous submissive wears a blue and black striped sweater while some slapper in a pink blouse and acid-washed denim skirt (!) sings in response. Jesus wept, they do know it's 2006 and not 1986 in Moldova, right? If they're going for heat, then they've failed miserably. It's about as suggestive as Tiffany on The Mickey Mouse Club.
• Monaco: One day, I'd like to be the Monegasque entrant for Eurovision. I'd act all serious, wave the red and white flag, and sing my little partially talented coeur out. All I ask in return, is a nice high-tech video that looks like it cost a lot of money. The principality ain't exactly hurting for money, so why are their preview videos cheap as hell? "La Cocodance" is already a cheap sounding song that even Kassav wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Don't make it worse by just making it a collection of Severine recording the song, Severine posing for pictures, Severine arriving in Monaco by helicopter, etc. Then there's the whole bizarre fact of a girl from Reunion singing a song partly in Tahitian, representing Monaco. I know they're all part of La Francophonie, but still...

Next Time: The Netherlands give us blondes who babble incoherently to the beat of drums; Norway gives us a rarity this year: a decent ballad; Good ol' Kool Aid hair and gravel voice return for Poland; Portugal promises to make us dance and smile (and manages to get a single toe tap); Romania makes no sense in either English or Italian (and I don't care); and Russia gives a twink with that eternal free-language message "never let you go."