The Stonewall Post-Mortem: The Two Eternal Gay Male Questions

1. Why do tops have trouble believing that others are tops as well?
2. Can you really kiss someone while in the throes of anal sex?

So I'm (top #1) at The Stonewall after 10, which is pretty radical for me, and I wind up in conversation with a man visiting from San Francisco (top #2). As I always have found to be the truth, after midnight the conversation turns to sex. It starts with a story from the bartender (top #3) who relates a story of a guy he was having sex with. It turns out that this guy wanted him to kiss him while in the midst of thrusting his penis inside him. The bartender said this was logistically impossible.

"Oh no," said the visitor, "it's totally possible."

"I'm sorry, it isn't" said the playwright.

For five minutes we debated this. The bartender and I coming to the conclusion that it is only possible if you are missing a rib and/or can perform auto-fellatio. The sheer logistics of anal sex make it too uncomfortable for a guy to kiss someone--unless there is a significant height difference--while penetrating.

We're not talking flicking of the tongues here, I mean a serious full-on tongue-touching-tonsils kiss.

Finally, since: a) I wanted to prove myself right on this matter, and b) had openly stated that I would bottom for a friend (despite the fact that I derive no erotic pleasure from it at all), I offered to illustrate the problem--live & completely clothed.

I laid down on the stool and put my legs around the tourist's neck while he positioned himself as penitrator. He leaned down to kiss me and declared his victory.

"Not so fast," I said, "your crotch was nowhere near my hole."

"Yes, it was" said he.

"No, it wasn't."

He put his finger on the spot where he believed my opening was.

"That's my scrotum."

He moved it again.

"That's still my scrotum."

He moved it around all of three more times and each time still managed to hit my scrotum--and it's not like I have a freakishly huge one either.

New Yorkers: 1, San Franciscans: 0.

As for question #1, it must be pointed out that the entire conversation was peppered with a great many "yeah, right, you're a top" statements directed from one to another.