Eurovision 2007 Preview Review: I is for Irksome, L is for Laconic, M is for Mealy

Want to see these? Go to Eurovision.tv.

Iceland: Iceland is pretty...very pretty (in a bleak David Lynch way). The same can not be said of Eirikur who drives around rural Iceland in his vintage car, wailing about some sort of lost love amongst a whole bunch of other cliched notions that were best left behind in the Eighties. As rock ballads go, it's quite good, until you get to the visual part of it. Fortunately, the director chose to feature the landscape more than the singer. (Let's be honest here, he's not aged well.) Adequate job.

Ireland: The one saving grace of the dire Irish entries was that their preview videos if not bleak per se, were very darkly cynical interpretations. The current spate of Irish entries, however, have been so syrupy sweet that they make you want to check your mouth for tooth decay. This year is no different: happy multicultural children paint a portrait, while the Dervish drone on in the background in yet another round of cliched weather-related metaphors about perseverance. By the way, the woman singing is nearly incomprehensible to my ears.

Israel: Finally something cynical and funny! I'm guessing this is mostly the "Kdam" performance on display here, but since IBA's financial woes have been well-publicised, I don't blame them for being cheap. Gets the message (nuclear armageddon) across effectively, but no great shakes video-wise.

Latvia: National final performance (CHEAP!). Blah blah blah men in top hats. Blah blah blah singing in Italian. Blah Blah blah come back Arnis Mednis, all is forgiven.


Lithuania: LRT had a bit more money to spare so 4Fun has a bit of an original video, if not that much of an original song. (Sade would knock this out of the ballpark, the lead singer of 4Fun...not so much.) Interestingly, the relative anonymity of the rest of 4Fun is rather fascinating...for about 30 seconds. By the way, how short is this song?! It seemed like it was over right after starting.

Malta: Since I'm a cynical person, I would say that the video is a near ripoff of Tornero (Romania 2006) and Life Is (Macedonia 2004) with the whole "bizarre bazaar" chic, but at least we're not getting a tourist board advert for Malta. Anyway, Olivia runs away from or stalks a very swarthy good-looking man. It's all very hard to figure out, yet given the lyrics, I'd say that's the intended effect. Fair effort.

Moldova: Now we all know that Moldovan television was so hard up that they basically said that whoever represented them would basically be paying their own way. So I guess that either Natalia or her management company is flush with cash, since she has an original video. It starts out with bleak (boy, does that word apply a lot to this year's previews) shots of what I'm guessing is Chisnau while Natalia plays the violin. Then there's fire! A running mob of mid-level businessmen in ties! It seems to suggest that that Natalia is singing about fighting "the man," however this possible ode to worker's rights is interrupted by glamour shots of Natalia. Quite a misfire there, as I was actually beginning to change my opinion about this knock off of La Podolskaya's 2005 effort for Russia.

Montenegro: So you're a newly independent country and you have your first (legitimate) entry at Eurovision, what do you do for your preview video? You borrow heavily from Van Halen's I can't drive 55, Easy Rider, The Graduate, and practically all of Robert Palmer's solo efforts. Stevan & Co. motorcycle around Montenegro (which I will say is a great backdrop) like it's 1988. This is interspersed with shots of a woman in white (is she wearing a very trashy wedding dress or just hooker gear?) pouting. If Stevan looked like Robert Palmer, I'd forgive him somewhat, but he doesn't (think Constantine Maroulis if you're prurient, Jeff Palmer if you're not). Adequate but unbelievably dated for 2007.

Next time: N is for Nicer than you, P is for Playing it Safe, and R is for Ridiculous.

Eurovision 2007: Fools!

There is a new videoclip for "Dancing lasha tumbai" (aka "Dancing Russia Goodbye"), and I tell you it is yards better than the preview...even though the preview pretty much tells you what to expect on the 12th.

Eurovision 2007 Preview Review: F is for Fun Times, G is for Go On With Your Bad Self, and H is for Hellcat on Wheels

The Preview Critiques continue! (Watch the actual previews at Eurovision.tv)


Finland: Hanna is moody. Hanna is either smoking or in a very cold room. Hanna checks her makeup. From what I gather, this is her style of music, but she comes across as too precious to sing it...like Victoria Beckham covering Motorhead. It's an alright video, even if La Podolskaya did the East Village-chic to better effect in 2005 (although it was woefully inappropriate for the song). By the way, if I'm very indifferent on Hanna, it's because I was for Lovex at Euroviisut.

France: Granola rock comes to Eurovision and it's from France? The Singing Pony Tail and the Picards talk about his sexual conquest (in a British accent no less) in a pink room, while interpersed with photos and scenes with said conquest and peculiarly shots of them at the French National Final. The latter gives the song a bit of a Superstar (in the Neil Sedaka/Carpenters sense) feel. It's oddly endearing, but in the video stakes...it's no great shakes.

(FYR) Macedonia: National final performance!? After the brillant, atmospheric video Karolina had in 2002 this is a bit of a letdown. No warrior dress for her this time. Instead, La Karolina (I know the proper "La" is with her surname, but umbrellas are hard to do when you have to repeat the name several times) is wearing either hot pants or a miniskirt while talking about her "all." Meanwhile, her backing dancers limber up in the background. Now, understand that I like La Karolina when I say this, but...taken as a whole, it makes me wonder if the song is a tacit reference to Sweet Charity.

Georgia: Listen all you national broadcasters, little Georgia did a second all new video to coincide with the new songtitle. So ha! It starts out with a couple doing some modern dance moves on a hill. Then Sopho (the Caucasian Bjork if you will) looks all meditative while graphics swirl in the background. I. AM. LOVING. THIS. The dancing couple gets more aggressive in their moves as the music swells. With all these lush geographical shots, it almost seems like Miyazaki film come to life. Current front runner on Hikaruland for best preview video.

Germany: Live performance, but that's the standard German protocol with Eurovision previews. (Although, given the lyrics, I would love to see what they could do with an actual all-new video.) Anyway, Roger throws slightly smoldering glances and coolness while the band plays in the background. It does the job, but from the video standpoint: kinda so-so.

Greece: Greece does Grease. (And why is 2007 the first time they've thought of that connection?) "Danny" Sarbel looks at his "Sandy" and arches his eyebrow. (Meanwhile, I just roll my eyes.) Then they do You're The One That I Want 2007 version. It's very nicely done, just...corny.

Hungary: Magdi is PISSED! Oh, she is fit to be tied. Remember how La Vissi went balistic last year in the preview for Everything, Magdi tops that for one reason: she's going to destroy his place and doesn't care if she looks good while doing that. A close runner-up for preview of the year, as it really makes me curious as to what the performance on the night will be like.

Next time: I is for Irksome, L is for Laconic, and M is Mealy. (This might be a hard slog for all of them save for Israel.)

Eurovision 2007 Preview Review: B is for Bizarre, C is for Crazy, D is for Drag, and E is for EH?!

Better late than never, here are the next round of Eurovision previews, courtesy of Eurovision.tv.

Belarus: Probably one of the most lavishly done videos (I'm not saying a word about the irony of this being the Belorussian entry...not one) this year. Were it not for the slight singing accent of Dima Not Bilan (my god, you can actually understand what the Belorussians are saying), this could pass as the UK entry with all the James Bond-esque cinematography and a queen looking suspiciously like Elizabeth I (with kabuki maidens for some odd reason. It's Belarus, who said logic applies?). Not Bilan's handlers must've got the memo that he was looking too much like the real Bilan, because he now is trying to look like Sakis Rouvas--not a good idea as a certain Cypriot entrant in 2005 would attest to. Anyway, the storyline seems to be a retread of Snow White with a woman in a red dress trying to stay safe from Queen Bess/Maleficent. (Who cares if Maleficent is from Sleeping Beauty?) Not Bilan appears to have nothing to do with the storyline except look pretty while Red Dress runs across the set like a buxom blonde in a horror movie.

Belgium: Live performance, which makes some sense. Even though there is an actual video, the song is so "funkadelic" (an aspect that really isn't captured in the real video), that the myriad of colours used during the RTBF live performance is the better option. That said, I like the song and I would've liked it if they went for an acid-freakout video. Slightly related: At this corner of the internet, the lead singer of the KMGs is a candidate for sexiest man of this year's contest, Not Bilan isn't even close.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: Marija's a chorine. Marija's a longshoreman in a lacy cap. Violinists on a rusty ship, while the crew plays volleyball? Is there some sort of veiled drug reference in this song that I'm not getting? Meditative, I get, but this is verging on absurd.

Bulgaria: Girl (not in the gender specific sense in this case), you'd better beat those drums! So Elitsa has black wings and apparently causes thunderstorms. She then flies as the song goes all techno. Sistem for 2007? I think so. Although I'm certain members of both sexes and most sexual orientations will miss the old softcore porn that made up the previous two Bulgarian previews.

Croatia: Dora performance. Excuse me, Bulgaria and Belarus have proper videos and Croatia doesn't? Is HRT trying to plead poverty this year or is it just lack of faith in the entry? Might very well be a mix of both frankly. This song is dull, dull, dull and I actually like a soul song with a strong bass line. The woman singing lead kicks ass, but then Daddy Topic just has to get his lines in and the whole vibe goes screwy. Give him a severance package, make it all Dragonfly and then get back to me.

Cyprus: Ok, I'll get it over with right now. WHO DRESSED THE DIKI? She looks like she's taking a break from being a Japanese idol singer...in 1986. Oh well, it works with this very synthclash song (which I like very much, and would be happy if it won). The rest of the video seems to be a unisex mascara commercial....which is why The Diki and Co. are singing in an abandoned ballroom?

Czech Republic: National final performance (after all that CT has been through, I don't blame them, unlike HRT). Even though the Slovaks sent a "rock" band as their debut entry as well, there's a metaphorical ocean of differences here. Main one being that at least Martin Durinda was singing and not doing some vocally enhanced version of growling. Actually, this is not a bad song at all, it's just that I wish it was an instrumental. O Lordi, what have you wrought? (By the way, I hope those dazed go-go "Eurosong" girls are not included at the ESC performance. They looked like they were going into sugar shock instead of dancing.)

Denmark: DR are you pleading poverty too? All the creative talent working in Danish film and television and the only idea you come up with is to have DQ dressed in various monocolour outfits in different colours while 2 men and 2 women fail their arms in various black & white getups. The song is called Drama Queen and you have a drag queen singing it FOR EUROVISION, one of the most camp television events in the world. I'm sorry, but you have to step up your game here people, because you dropped the ball video-wise.

Estonia: Eurolaul performance (I think it is, since that would be par for course with ETV). Gerli "Not Pink, Not Sharon Osbourne" Padar is carried in on a chair by some male dancers would then fail themselves about in modern dance. Gerli joins them for a bit and it looks...matronly, which is at odds with both her voice and the tone of the song. The choreography is also at odds with the song as well, since it would be more at home as an 11 o'clock number in a musical than in a rock ode to co-dependency. If I'm not mistaken, I do believe Gerli & The Boys are doing jazz hands towards the end of the chorus. Oddly enough this makes the song more livilier than the previous (if more plausible) version I saw which just featured Gerli and a backing band.

Next time: F is for Fun Times, G is for Go On With Your Bad Self, and H is for Hell.

From the "Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day" Department

Bloomie suggests a congestion surcharge of $8 for all drivers entering Manhattan below 86th Street.

Still a closeted idiot, but at least he's not without some sense.

Monday Jukebox Tries To Entertain You

I promise I'll be back soon on full-tilt duty, but between fighting a flu, and working on a play...well, something had to fall by the wayside.

In the interim, here are three Japanese popsters that I've stumbled across recently. In a perfect world, they'd be as popular here as they are in Japan.

Now, I've already salivated over Misia (there is a funny video on Youtube of a high-as-a-kate Erykah Badu praising Misia), but here's the full video of her song Escape, which has rather downbeat and somewhat absurd lyrics in contrast to the upbeat music, then again the video is somewhat absurd (in the artistic sense) as well:




Next is the legendary rock duo B'z singing their 1991 hit Alone, another prime example of why a good ballad should make you feel like the burden of life is too much by the end of it. I have to admit I was surprised by the choice of wearing UWM clothing in this live performance:



Arguably the Japanese Madonna, if only for longevity of career, Akina Nakamori covered Alone in her Utahime 3 album back in 2003, in a very minimalist way making the song even more bleak--a good thing in my view. Alas, I couldn't find a video for it and I'm not savvy enough to create one. Instead here are two videos of Akina.

The first is her performance of Southern Wind in 1984, very fresh and idoled up.



Finally, here is Akina in 2001 performing another one of her Eighties' hits, 1/2 no Shinwa:



Thanks to all the hard-working fans who put up the videos, translated the lyrics, and designed the websites.

An Update from Fearless Leader

I think I may come to regret doing a video post.

Eurovision 2007 Preview Review: A is for Awkward

It's that time again!

Since there are god knows how many entries this year (I will break my no-alcohol-at-home rule in order to make it through this year's voting), I'm splitting up this year's Preview Video review into several parts. For those not familiar with the Preview Video review set up at this corner of the internet: I watch 30-60 seconds of each preview clip and then write my impressions.

(You can find the videos at Eurovision.tv, click on "mediacentre")

Today I'm covering the A's.

Albania: Frederik (who should either shoot his stylist and/or get a better toupee) gestures dramatically near a pond or a lake while a woman (I'm assuming this is Aida) wails while dressed like some aging socialite circa 1965. It does not make one sympathetic to whatever plea he is begging us to hear. Pretty scenery though.

Andorra: Like every Eve6/Blink 182/early Green Day video you've ever seen, with Anonymous playing their instruments with screaming, happy teenagers in the background. That said, it's revolutionary for Eurovision. Considering the song is asking us to "save the world," I have to wonder what does shaving one's head have to do with it? If it's a reference to Locks of Love (an organisation that donates hairpieces to children who have medical hair loss), then that's a brilliant move. Unfortunately, I suspect it's just an attempt to appear "punk."

Armenia: Hayko does his best Zeljko impression by looking moody in white in the middle of a market/bazaar while a (clarinet?) player plays in the background...yet is strangely not heard. Shouldn't the "you" being addressed in the song be seen? I remain firm in my conviction that it wouldn't kill Armenian TV to do a Cher & Colton Ford disco duet. I'm sure they'd have no problem doing it for free.Then again, I suspect Armenia doesn't want to win inasmuch as just place strongly.

Austria: Is this 1993? Seriously, this video is so 90s that I have expect Eddie Vedder to randomly appear midway through the song waving his hair along to the beat. Anyway, it's Erik (who I'd accuse of doing a Chris Daughtry impression, but I don't think Daughtry is that well known overseas) scowling at the camera in black & white, and then black & red, with a red AIDS ribbon in the background. Visually, I know they're going for grit and symbolism, but at the same time, I don't think the lyrics jive with it. I don't get the message here, and I am tempted to think that Erik doesn't either (to paraphrase an old MTV ad: "they just told me to rock...real hard.")

Next up: B is for Bizarre, C is for Crazy, D is for Drag, and E is for Eh? (believe it or not, that only covers 9 countries).

Tuesday Jukebox Loves Misia

Just listen...






And I'm generally not one to fawn about vocal gymnastics, but this knocked my socks off.

Partly Shameless Plug

My best friend Garrett is appearing on this week's new Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

Do watch!

Eurovision 2007: I Know I'm Lyric-Sensitive, but really?

Now it's hardly a secret that I really like this year's Russian entry, but alas, the Russian Eurovision curse of atrocious lyrics strikes again.

Here's a sampling (courtesy of The Diggiloo Thrush) :

Gotta tease you nasty guy
So take it, don't be shy
Put your cherry on my cake
And taste my cherry pie

As anyone who remembers Warrant's big hit can tell you, "cherry pie" is slang for a part of the female southern anatomy. So one must ask, what is a person's "cake?" Based on the refrain, I would hazard a guess that they are referring to the posterior. If that is the case, then I believe we have the first lesbian anal sex reference in Eurovision.

Like the Silver Girls have any idea what they are singing about.

Open note to Russian Eurovision composers:

Please have a native English speaker go over your lyrics. You come up with these great musical compositions and then have them shot to hell because the lyrics are basically absurd.

Since when do asses "spin?" They swing, they sway, they do not go 360 degrees on any normal human being.

By the way, what's with the lead singer calling her cohorts "bitches?" I know the other two are really only there for show, but seriously, give them at least a modicum of respect.

Are You Sure This Isn't A Joke?

Tommy "Wimpy Ex-Wisconsin Governor" Thompson is apparently entering the presidential race.

Why? I do not know.

The man is forever etched in my head as the fool who came running back to Wisconsin--tears streaming down his face--after basically getting his ass handed to him in Washington.

And he thinks he could run the country?

Saturday Jukebox Warms Up for the Eurovision 2007 Video Preview Massacre

Now that we're in the drought between National Final season and the actual contest in May, I thought that I'd put in a bit of a teaser for the upcoming annual Hikaruland Preview Video Hitlist--I mean--Review.

Quite honestly, I'm not expecting to dish out that much vitrol this year. I will say that the one of the two frontrunners in the video stakes for me is Russia (although I don't think anyone is going to get close to brillance that was La Vissi's video last year).




That said, I really think that the Silver Girls are really Russia's answer to the Pussycat Dolls in that only one can sing while the rest just look pretty and talk along with the beat. (We all remember how different Yulia's live performance in 2004 was from what the preview promised, don't we?)

When Bad Theatre Tries To Hide Its Tracks

Comrades, I give you The Matthew Passion.

Here we have a relatively interesting idea with the Passion of Christ interspersed with the story of Matthew Shepard and the story of a middle-aged HIV+ man.

Now how do they chose to market it?

Shirtless men caked in sweat with muscles taut and bulging.

The Matthew Shepard story is not about sexiness. It's about bigotry, ignorance, and fear.

So is the Passion of the Christ.

Therefore, one must ask creator Phil Hall what his real intentions were with this piece. Did he want to make a statement or did he just want to create masturbatory fluff (no pun intended) for those too embarassed to get porn in their own homes? I do not necessarily blame Phil for all of this (although I must say that all writers must accept that they are at the nexus of their work, be it good or bad), because even if the script has descriptions last seen in Afterhours, someone had to put that image out onstage, someone had to chose that way of marketing it, and someone had to do the casting with a certain mindset.

And most embarassingly, someone--and this is most likely Phil (since this is a play with music)--had to think that adding a song called You Need A Bitch Slap was required.

I am quite tempted to say that the song would be best directed at its creator rather than one of the characters.

GLAAD to be Self-Loathing?

Both of the local New York gay newspapers have a very (and telling) story about GLAAD's exclusion of the two gay networks from their annual four-part kiss-ass--I mean gala that was recently held here in New York.

That's right, the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, our watchdog that supposedly tells the media when they screw up homophobically and applaud them when they get it right is excluding both of the 24 hour all-gay, all-the-time television networks airing in the US from its annual ceremonies that honour gay representation in the media.

The absurdity nearly speaks for itself.

I'm damn near shocked that The Blade is carrying the story, but I guess their broken clock (as in the thing that is right twice a day) department was allowed some fresh air this week. This is made even moreso interesting in that the coverage is in the Editorial section. I think this quote here (no pun intended) gets to the meat of the story:

Perhaps GLAAD could create special categories specifically for LGBT media. But by now (sic)allowing that, GLAAD might as well state that our LGBT stars and media talent are not glamorous and famous enough to make a difference—or that they won’t warrant “mainstream” attention and ticket sales.

The Blade actually taking a stance against homogenisation? Shocking, I tell you.

The Gay City News's Doug Ireland brings it all into focus by viewing this misstep/bigoted self-loathing move within the context of the state of gay television. Ireland is biting and unfailing in his criticism, and the fact of the matter is that for the most part it is warranted.

Some of the greatest and most creative minds working in media today are gay and why aren't they being allowed to flourish within this new media context? Some might say it's because they're afraid of being pigeon-holed, but I don't necessarily buy that. I think that if those people--whoever they are--see that really amazing things can be created and are allowed to do them without fear of being too uncommercial or too gay-specific, then we can have better gay networks.

Is it that difficult to do a miniseries of The City & The Pillar, people? Seriously.

Where did gay sensiblity get lost in the rush to get gay content?

We need more than just the coming-out stories and the AIDS tragedy stories. We need quirkiness, irony, sarcasm, and "popcorn" that is more than just bland, vacant looking twinks wandering around in briefs. Comrades, we need to show the wit and smirks that fuel the creativity.

You know who I think gets this, is Stephen Macias of here Networks, who wrote a blistering and truth telling response to GLAAD (lead by I-got-mine Log Cabinette Neil Giuliano, FYI) , which you can read in full--bizarrely enough--over at The Blade. I just want to highlight one of his bullet points that applies not just to GLAAD's shameful ignorance but to the power of good, quality gay media in general:

Inspiring closeted gay Americans to come out and be themselves is one of the most important results that fair, accurate, and inclusive media can have on American culture. While you can legislate equal protection under the law, it is television that has the ability to change the hearts and minds of all people, including gays and lesbians. Gay television now comes into the homes of millions of Americans with programming that not only entertains, but also inspires and gives people confidence to come out of the closet, be themselves and lend their proud voice to change. Seeing themselves and their stories being told on screen is a powerful and is helping to change lives across America.

You tell 'em.

Tuesday Jukebox Just Wants You To Be Happy

Ah...Nona Reeves songs are perfect for mornings where you only got 4 hours of sleep.



(And yes, I'm half surprised there was a TV series for Parappa the Rapper.)

Some Networks Get It, Others Don't

Dennis Ayers has an excellent article over at AfterElton which evaluates Gay representation on each of the broadcast networks.

Interestingly, there are some unexpected results. While I am not surprised that ABC leads with an A-, the CW getting a B- (albeit based on its WB history) , and NBC getting a C (I figured they would net a C-), is a somewhat of a surprise. Likewise, CBS and Fox sharing a third place C+ is equally surprising.

Nonetheless, great reading.

Answering Referral Questions

I do love the referrals I get here.

1. Lucy Noland: Gone from WNYW. Why? I don't know, but probably was a monetary dispute. New York TV news can be so acrimonious. Personally, I liked her, but I don't mind if Lynda Lopez takes over her job (though I bet it will be Anne Craig).
2. Eric Braate: In Houston. Is he becoming the local weatherman version of Anderson Cooper? I'm beginning to think so.
3. Lyrics to Laura's Sunflowers from Eurolaul 2007: For those who love the blandness, you can mosey on down to ETV's Eurolaul site and start transcribing.
4. Who is most likely to win Eurovision 2007?: (in no particular order) Belgium, Cyprus, Russia, Spain, Switzerland, with France as a dark horse.

Eurovision 2007:And Now We Wait

The UK selected today and...well, I'll just say that if Scooch had top 20 hits in 1998, then they must've flown right past my TOTP viewing self.

I was for Big Brovaz in all honesty, since Cyndi's ballad did nothing for me and the bar is always raised extremely high when it comes to me liking a ballad.

Nonetheless, this is a year where the middle is rising and I guess that Scooch is the middle in this case and in a Scooch versus Cyndi superfinal, I'd vote for camp over Sominex.

That's the funny thing about 100% televoting, you have no one to blame but yourself or your neighbours. (49% of the US electorate has been living with that for the past 8 years.) All that said, I wouldn't be surprised if the UK Selection goes internal or 1 singer/6 songs next year.

Anyway, all songs competing in this year's Eurovision are now all known, and we come into the eye of the Eurovision hurricane where nothing happens save for remixing and shooting the stray video or two.

I'm going to stand by my Eurovision goes West prediction, buoyed by the fact that I really like the Russian entry (even though it's a Sugababes/Pussycat Doll knockoff with nonsensical lyrics--then again what Russian entry has made sense post-free language? Why else would they have a visual free-for-all with the staging every year?) and songs that I really like never ever do better than 4th.

If I was a Belgian, French, German, Spanish, or Swiss television executive, then I'd tell the accounting department to start crunching some numbers.

Interestingly, I think this year the Final will actually be more entertaining than the Qualifier.

The Splash-View Post-Mortem: Where Is Everybody?

It's the first warm night in a long time and streets of Chelsea are...dead.

53F at night and virtually no one is out and about, whereas only a week or so ago when it was cold, everywhere was--if not necessarily packed--full of action.

I have my theories:

• The Rapture happened and we're either saved or left behind.
• People are nervous about the upcoming eclipse (thanks astrobarry)
• That many people were at the Roxy closing?
• That many people are prepping for St. Patrick's Day?
• The Depression started without any final warning.
• New York finally got too expensive.

Inquiring minds want to know.

Eurovision 2007: Who Escapes The Qualifier of Death?

"Tonight" the Czech Republic and Portugal decided (the latter with a webcast that was very shaky over here, to be honest), leaving only Hungary left to show their goods, if you will.

At the risk of jumping the gun, I'm going to issue the first of several speculations about who's going to get out of the Qualifier and who is going to stay.

Now there are 10 slots open for the Qualifier entries in the final and 28 entries in the Qualifier. All this adds up to a virtual bloodbath.

Let's get the likely contenders over with.

Probably going to get through, provided everything goes alright:

1. Serbia (I don't care for it, but it will go through)
2. Cyprus
3. Switzerland
4. Andorra
5. Belarus
6. Belgium

Next, the shaky ones that have perhaps a less than 50% chance of getting through:

• Macedonia (yes, I put Macedonia down as shaky because the competition is that rough)
• Poland
• Georgia

That final slot will be filled--by the skin of their teeth--with one of these six.

• Netherlands
• Turkey
• Bulgaria
• Estonia
• Israel (controversy is good, very good, for an entry)
• Portugal (yes, primarily because I'm viewing it in the context of the others, but if it doesn't get a strong makeover expect Slovenia, Montenegro, or the Czechs to take their place)

Personally, I think the Final is going to be even more vicious, with Spain the likely winner in a photo finish.

Friday Jukebox likes this

No way in hell will Ukraine win in Helsinki, but I do like Verka. It's absurd, funny, and damn catchy.



That's how you do a comedy number.

Doesn't change the fact that Eurovision is still going West, no matter what the Russian entry is.

Germany might even produce the shock winner.

Thursday Jukebox is so Negativ

Well, Negativ didn't win Beovizija (I'm not commenting on the winner today), but you put on a good show.

Just one tiny little suggestion for Ivana: You might want to avoid the Joan Crawford look.




Still, a good follow up to your 2004 showing.



Although Zbunjena was probably the better song of the two, in my view.

The 727th Post: About That Controversy

(In case you don't know of what I'm referring to.)

He knew good and hell well that all of this was out there.

He is also proof that being smart does not actually equal being savvy.

Expect to see him writing for The Blade after his book tanks, and probably doing some softcore photo spread a year or two later.

Interesting how everything comes pre-packaged these days.

Just like a palindrome.

Eurovision 2007: Based on what we have so far

We are going West this year.

Oh yes, we are going West (or South).

(I have to say South because Cyprus & Malta are strong.)

This is a year where the "middle" entries have been rising to win the national finals, and amongst all of these strongest is from Spain, but even the internal selections from Belgium and Switzerland have broad appeal.

Hell, even Andorra stands a serious chance this year.

Remaining to be heard: Turkey, Hungary, Russia, Portugal (major dark horse this year), Ukraine.

Remaining to be decided: Serbia (along with Bulgaria, the only possible spoilers to a Western win), Sweden (it is not their year), Ukraine, the UK (another dark horse), Portugal, and the Czech Republic.

Eurovision 2007: This is a debut!

Georgia (the one that Sherman didn't march through) picked its song over the weekend and boy is it a piece of work.

I mean that in a complimentary way, as Sopho has an amazing voice and the song has an equally great arrangement--even the lyrics are quite meditative (although these days I'm happy for anything beyond "I love you, you love me" when it comes to anything midtempo or slower).

Take a look at the video:




Now, here's the flip side. Y'see the staging of the song at the Georgian National Final is a bit strange. I'm all for performance art, but...well:



Ambitious? Yes. Avantgarde? Yes. OTT? Possibly. I hope they whip it into sleeker shape by May as Georgia is only 1 of the 2 entries so far that have the best chance of taking the trophy anywhere east of Switzerland.

All that said, I'd be surprised if Georgia doesn't make it into the Final.

The Splash Post-Mortem: Blame It On the Eclipse?

I'd like to blame it on the eclipse, but sometimes stupidity is just stupidity.

Y'see, I'm celebrating alcohol before I go on a dry fortnight.

So I want to enjoy my Godiva Orange Juice, and I did, courtesy of the auld friend over at the near bar.

I cannot say the same for his new compatriot over at the far bar.

Frequent readers know that I have limited patience when it comes to slow service at a bar that is not busy. I reckon that anyone else would be the same.

I place my empty glass at the bar and smile at the bartender.

No response as he goes to chat up some random guy (possible sugar daddy?).

I smile and wave at him.

No response as he checks on the others to my left.

I smile, wave, and say "hello" in a kind, non-sarky way.

No response as he goes back to the Sugar Daddy.

I start coughing (unintentionally, mind you).

He arches one eyebrow and then realises that while he's been flitting between everyone else, I've been sitting there waiting to be asked my next drink.

Some days, I wish I could just put on a mask.

The View-The Gym-Splash Post-Mortem: We Like Free

Initially, I thought this would be an all View night: Just me having my Twisted Teas and watching music videos while assorted characters came in and out.

Not quite.

It seems I have become--without realising it--the Tuesday night drinking buddy of a man I shall call J. J is 4 years my Junior and perhaps the embodiment of attributes that used to be mine. J is also a major bear-chaser. (NB: I am not. I like hairy chests and all that, but I'm too tied to mental attraction for it to be the be-all end-all.) J also talks very fast and 90% about himself. Nonetheless, J's observations are quite humourous, so it doesn't come across as completely annoying.

What is interesting about drinking with a bear chaser, is that of course you attract bears. I was catching up with J when his two bear acquaintances (both in their early 40s) came in. The short one--Napoleon, if you will--could not get over the fact that The View has a "Boycott M&M/Mars" sign out in front. Personally, I thought the advert and website were offensive, so I support them on it.

Not Napoleon.

He just went on and on and on about how stupid it was to have that sign up there. Since J knew him better than I, I kept my opinions to myself, while J switched the subject to whatever was running through his mind. Did that stop Napoleon? Like hell it did.

I ought to start making a list of things I should do, if decorum hadn't done a number on me:

#1? Shut Napoleon up.

Since J was wired via liquor, we found ourselves in The Gym which looks eerily like Boom in Milwaukee but with the screens tuned to sports. Even more hilarious, J & I were the biggest guys in the place. Everybody else was either a hag or a reed-thin twink.

Finally escaping, I made my way to Splash--where everybody knows me...under a pseudonym. I cannot quite figure out how I get free entry, but with the admission of a t-shirt, I apparently got free coat check.

And let's not even mention the Long Island Tea discount.

Mision Eurovision Grand Final: Cocaine Goes to Eurovision

25 entries.

Let's just stew on that fact for a bit.

5 entrants performing each of the 5 songs = 25.

That's bigger than a Eurovision Qualifier.

Were it a Eurovision Qualifier I'd be able to take it on the night, but can you really handle hearing the same song 5 times in a row (even if the first round is basically a condensed version) ? You can change the staging, but Jesus wept! That's some level of endurance that I can't handle.

Oh, what's this white powder on my desk?

*snort*

Ok, that's better.

I'm not saying without a doubt that whoever at TVE who designed this selection process was on the non-liquified kind of coke, but I'd understand it if they were. It's about the only way anyone could keep their energy up.

So we open with the logo, Hard Rock Hallelujah, crazed fans divided into Mirela (the right side), NASH (the middle), Yanira (the far back), and Nazaret (the middle) sections. All I can say is poor Merche. She's like Marcy to a bunch of Peppermint Pattys and Lucys. I feel for her and Yanira as well, but they are so out of their league at this point.

Anyway, bring on Paula, her big hair, and leopard print dress that is in a dispute with her breasts...and the breasts are winning. When she says "mas tarde" all of the viewers at home (especially those not used to Spanish television) should've of taken that hint and bunkered down with all the caffeine on hand.

(Offtopic: If TVE was in charge of producing the Oscars, they wouldn't be able to get that show finished by midnight, but you know they'd at least keep it moving and entertaining. Honestly, the first Oscar broadcast I've watched in 15 years and the thing just dragged on forever.)

Paula talks a mile a minute in Spanish (being a non-native speaker, I only get 40-60% of what she's saying) then switches into English by saying "Why am I doing a speech in English?"

I rewind the DVR to check to see if that's what she said.

Indeed, she did and added a few catty muttered comments in Spanish afterwards. ("I'm too old for this shit?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Hundreds of millions of Spanish speakers in the world and I have to speak English on TVE?" What did she say?)

I. LOVE. HER.

Safe in the knowledge that anyone who noticed her aside probably supports her view, Paula paints on a beauty queen smile for the EBU Director and says that "it's a pleasure to have [us] in Spain."

Penelope Cruz watch your back. Paula's acting circles around you in English--and it's not even her job.

I give Paula credit, whereas PCP Patty & Don Carlos Lozano stalled the hell out of getting the whole shebang started in 2005, Paula gets down to business. She points out the whole 25 entries thing, but emphasises that we are searching for "the best combination." She accents this by taking off her earring. Paula is about to throw down, people! She is the judge, jury, and executioner.

Spain has to win it, if only to see Paula tell the spokespeople to shut up and give the damn votes.

Did I mention that I adore her?

Paula explains the televoting and looks pissed. I'd be to, it sounds needlessly complex.

I would like to point out to everyone who produces a large scale show like this that Paula got from greetings to announcing the first song in under 7 minutes. Were it not for the complex televoting, she could've shaved it down to 5. Paula doesn't fool around, no sir.

The first song is Busco un hombre. (I'm going to go all militant here and not change the title for NASH, I mean, would the world stop spinning if it was about 4 twinks on a hunt for a man and not a girl. They're a boyband!) The song's composing team (who look like a cabaret owner and his boy toy) wave meekly to the cameras. They shouldn't have caved on the lyrics.

• NASH: They're all seated at desks and hold up pictures of the Glory Note twins (Mirela & Yanira), Nazaret, and Merche. (Personally, I wouldn't call Nazaret a "chica," because she looks like she could beat someone up much like Paula could.) If this song didn't sound camp enough, the thumping synth behind it seals the deal. Anyway, NASH is all United Colours of Benetton, and adept at the singing, but the staging is too cutesy and the lyrics too bland for there to be any real comedy here. They really shouldn't have changed the lyrics. (It's juvenile but I find the way NASH sings "gerrrl," funny. Probably because I'm expecting them to go "gurrrl." Lest you think I'm on a high horse here--no pun intended--you should hear me say "North Fork Bank," which comes out as "No Fuck Bank" due to my mishmash Wisconsin-meets-the-South accent.) The Cabaret Owner claps politely, the Boy Toy tepidly pumps his fists. They weren't pleased.
• Nazaret: Is it Nazaret or Beyonce? I'm confused. Nazaret comes out wearing a shiny silver dress. There is no denying that Nazaret blows NASH out of the water vocally...period. She also gives the song some much needed sensuality. She's looking for a man and she's hungry. The Nazarettes dancing behind her are practically non-entities as are the two black suited men who she gropes. The better of the two by far.
• Yanira: From sexy back to just merely cute. Yanira comes out from behind two black half walls or whatever you could call them. She is surrounded by the Yanirans, who are men all in black, red, and denim. Yanira does not feel this song at all, proving that cognitive dissonance ("sing loud" versus "sing sexy") knows no language restrictions. She basically mumbles her way through the song between wails. Cabert Owner & Boy Toy clap wildly because Mirela is on next.
• Mirela: Now this is the performance Yanira should've done. Mirela cannot do wildly sexy like Nazaret, so she has to rely on cuteness. Mirela and the flinging male Mirelans throwing themselves all over the stage do a very good job. Mirela has the lyrics down pat (I'm looking at you, Yanira). It's the right balance between cute and sensual with a high amount of aggression as well. I'm still for Nazaret, but Mirela gave a very strong alternative. Cabaret Owner stands up and pumps his fist. We get it, you want Mirela.
• Merche: Merche sings from a swing, but her performance could best be described as "deer caught in the headlights." Realising this, Merche decides to send out her all-male brigade of Merchians, who rush out front and shake their arms and waists that you wonder if they are in the middle of an epileptic fit. (Admittedly, I have been known to do that as well...but not on international television.) Since she's on a swing, there's not much Merche can do, but nonetheless she's sort of just there as this lust object for the Merchians, which if I'm not mistaken gives a very bizarre reading of the song. You just want tell her: "Get off the fucking swing if you want a man!" (By the way, this review is rated TV-MMA: Mature and masochistic adults only.) The Merchians finally get her off the swing and Merche repays the favour by stepping over their undulating bodies. Lady, the men are all around you. Wear glasses. Merche continues ignoring the men to the point of sitting on them at the end of the song.

Paula comes back on amidst a crowd cheer which I can't figure out, but it was probably for Mirela. Paula is amused so she won't be going into the audience to bust some heads open, although I imagine it would make for good television. Instead, she sets up the Spanish Eurovision retrospective that we will be viewing between the various grouping. First up, the 1960s. I notice that Paula is wearing a wristband that clashes with her dress. She must've already satisfied her blood lust and is covering up the spoils of victory. ("Don't you try to muscle in on my show, Arbizu! You had your chance, now it's my turn.")

Anyway, retrospective time.

• 1961: Conchita Bautista decides to work through her multiple personality issues by singing the jazzy debut Spanish entry.
• 1962: Victor Balaguer tells us to "call him," but the juries don't care. I don't know why, it's upbeat, perky, and Victor isn't bad looking, although stiff as hell.
• 1963: This may just be me, but Jose Guardiola's razor-thin mustache looks sleazy, not seductive. Are you trying to sell me a SEAT or a song? Either way, I'm not buying. That said, why don't we have more contests staged like this? It's all very intimate and engaging. I know the fans would be pissed, but the viewers might get a kick out of all these intense close ups.
• 1964: The Mystery of the missing tape of the 1964 contest continues to be unsolved. Gigiolia Cinquetti continues to deny any involvement.
• 1965: Conchita Bautista decides that "passive aggressive" is the personality she wants to keep. No disrespect to Spain, but from my own artistic viewpoint, Simone de Oliviera completely outdid Conchita in 1965. If you're going to snarl, then snarl, don't tease.

Commercial break, which really isn't a commercial break for TVE-I, but a chance to hype up viewership for the Spanish edition of Come Dancing. No thanks.

More retrospective fun.

• 1966: Raphael and his big ears wail and quite honestly, nobody but Franco & his wife cared. (I'm just repeating the tidbits on the screen.) Johnny Ray was irrelevant in 1966, so was Raphael as far as I'm concerned. Scream "amor" all you want, I don't care.
• 1967: Raphael wails again and quite honestly based on the way that man can open his mouth...well, draw your own conclusions. By the way, his flirtatious look to the camera? Laughable.
• 1968: Remember when Massiel was a demure lass with stiff shoulders? Of the two Spanish wins, I always thought this was the weaker one, although it was the definitive winner, points-wise. Shocking that one with that staging though. Even Cliff Richard bounced around and snapped his fingers.
• 1969: Salome in shocking blue. Now that's a home entry. My rusty Spanish translation tells me that her outfit weighed 14 kg. Christ, it's a wonder she could do those arm flings and hip thrusts.

What I thought was a wristband on Paula is actually a cuff.

Paula's hardcore, people. Re-cog-nise!

Paula introduces I Love You Mi Vida and G:Son, some random man, and Rebeca (thanks, Jay) -- who looks like better preserved version of Donatella Versace smirk. Well, G:Son and Random smirk, Rebeca waves excitedly.

• Nazaret: Still wearing her crown as sex kitten of this final, Nazaret starts off on a chaise lounge while the Nazarettes spin around beside her. Nazaret is not as strong here as she was on Busco. Still, seductive works here and I like Nazaret's version of wailing.
• Mirela: You know, I'm starting like Mirela more and more. That said, why are the flinging Mirelans all men? Mirela gives the better performance this time around. She's totally in sync with the bare-chested Mirelans unlike Nazaret & the Nazarettes who could very well have been in two separate performances. It's a bit minimalist though.
• NASH: I'm not going to act like I don't know that this won, because it did (and it'll save me recapping the final vote). Onto the performance itself. NASH's arrangement of the song basically takes the maracas and guitar out and amps up the Eurodance. Very wise. The boys are clearly in their comfort zone and it shows. All that said, if Mirela was too minimalist, NASH could use a little less: the entrance from behind the "I (Heart) U MI VIDA" curtains? More tacky than dramatic. The flowing string or whatever that was at the end? Corny. Everything else on target, right down to the standard issue boyband strut and line dancing. (Don't act like you don't know what I'm referring to.)
• Merche: Poor Merche. She's stuck up in swing during Busco, and she's fighting against a piece of cloth during I Love You. Her vocals are a bit raw and unfortunately her voice breaks during the end. Ouch.
• Yanira: Yanira is dressed in a very Miami outfit and vocally recovered from her butchering of Busco. In fact, she's pretty damn strong here, arguably on the same level as Mirela.

Paula, admist laughter and chaos in the stands, introduces the 1970s retrospective.

• 1970: Julio Iglesias is sexy. His song is dire.
• 1971: Karina, the hole in her dress, and her big haired Karinettes deserved their 2nd place in a very very brutal year.
• 1972: Who? Oh, Jaime Morey. Big, but a poor follow up to Karina's "I'm here 1970s!"
• 1973: Perpetually known in the US as "the Spanish version of that Elvis song." I like Eres Tu on its own, but the two songs are awfully similar.
• 1974: Peret swings his guitar around to no avail. The fact that he and his backing singers all look like they are about to kill the audience probably hurt the Spanish cause. That and ABBA.

Paula laughs at the tech glitch proclaiming that 1975 is next when all and sundry know that a commercial break is due.

More fun with the retrospective:

• 1975: Sergio & Estibaliz look like scared kids from the country. That said, I like this whole Spain-goes-Carpenters-esque deal. Very...quaint.
• 1976: Braulio sings a ballad, one of his backing singers outsings him. Bitter, perhaps?
• 1977: This is a very cute song, but I swear to god, there must be places where they torture people by playing Micky's performance on loop. My teeth hurt just watching a brief clip. The theme song for the abandoned Disneyland Spain.
• 1978: Blech. I like the bitchy tidbits that TVE gives us though ("Spain gave Luxembourg 12 points, Luxembourg gave us 2"). Meow.
• 1979: There's a part of me that thinks that Betty Missiego was the victim of a drag queen's friend who decided to test out makeup on her. The woman looks frightening. This is another clip shown in the torture chambers on a constant loop. I'm assuming that the Victoria Abril that presented that year's Spanish final is not the actress, because she wouldn't have been an adult.

Paula welcomes us back, although she's almost startled to be on camera. (I don't quite see how anyone could be startled wearing big hair and a leopard print dress, but rules like that do not apply to Paula at all.) Continuing the [pride] parade of songs is La Reina de la Noche, aka the song about a drag queen. Oh, this ought to be fun. The writers look very excited and proud (as they should be), though the one with long hair and the receding hairline (as opposed to one with short hair and a receding hairline) looks like he's just done his *snort* lines judging by the way he claps his hands. Calm down, mister.

• NASH: Only a Nashette this time and "she's" doing gymnastics on top of a box with steps while NASH fling themselves about and look at her in awe. The choreography must've done a number on them as they spend the rest of the song trying to catch their breath. It's very adept, but also very bland.
• Mirela: Mirela does the very easy job of performing better this song better than NASH (who are really 1 for 3 so far). Mirela doesn't try to go for the drag queen aspect, instead she's goes...Elizabethan? There's a whole Midsummer Night's Dream theme going on here. The Mirelans are all in Carnival masks and Mirela's wearing a dress that is at once demure as well as provocative. She loses her placing for a bit and then regains it quite well going all Carola-sans-crazy towards the end. Good save. The Receding Hairlines clap politely and then when the set change takes too long, start bitching to each other and looking decidedly grim. ("When in the hell is Nazaret going to come on?")
• Yanira: If Mirela was like a Marquess of the Night, then Yanira is a Duchess. She struts out from a throne while the Yanirans (in bejewelled neckties and belt buckles) fling themselves about in the background. Yanira misses the first refrain and covers it up by screaming. In fact she screams so hard that her strap falls. At least her screaming ends well. Short Hair Receding Hairline shakes his head in not-so-positive awe.
• Merche: From Duchess of the Night to Jr. Grade Princess of the Night. Again, poor Merche, she just can't get it right. Apart from the fact that she's whispering her way through the first part of the song, they have decided to make her enter in a tunic with a long train (so as to disguise the Merchians crawling underneath) . The choreographer really had it in for this poor girl, I reckon. Once she gets rid of the tunic, she comes out in...a sparkling top and jeans? Queen of Hearts? I don't think so. Poor Merche is getting slaughtered both vocally and visually. No matter how much the Merchians do acrobatic feats behind her. Giving her the hat is just making her look even more foolish. Long Hair Receding Hairline claps enthusiastically (Nazaret is next). Short Hair Receding Hairline still looks constipated.
• Nazaret: Now this is what a Queen of the Night should look like. Headresses, people. It is all about the headresses. Looking eerily similar to the logo for the Dora, Nazaret goes for the sensual route while the Nazarettes grope some thin cloth draped over lampshades. Nazaret isn't at full volume vocally, but visually she hits every single mark. Note to Nazarettes: If Nazaret ain't smiling, you don't smile.

Paula comes back to calm down the wolves since she's got to introduce the 1980s retrospective (for me, Spain in the 80s was a lost cause save for Trigo Limpio, Cadillac, Remedios Amaya, and okay, I'll say it...Nina as well).

• 1980: Such an underrated song. It's very contemplative and most important...not whiny. TVE play the fast part where it really gets going and yes, I think it's better than Johnny Logan's sentimental claptrap.
• 1981: Bacchelli does his Lou Rawls impression. It's the briefest clip so far, and that should tell you something.
• 1982: Lucia del Argentina throws her hand up in the air, and she can wave it all she wants. I don't care, since I hate tango.
• 1983: Flamenco on the other hand, I like very much. Remedios blows the roof off with a song that very cruelly got no points.
• 1984: Are we sure this is the Spanish entry? It looks so...Swedish. Inoffensive fluff.
• 1985: As dramatic and as well-known (apparently) Paloma San Basilio is or was at the time, the song still makes think that she's auditioning for a soap advert. ("Calgon, take me away!") Powerful pipes though.
• 1986: Relatively handsome men singing a synth-happy song about "Valentino," it's almost impossible for me not to like this. I was a Level 42 fan, okay!
• 1987: And now we're back to the angsty pop, this time performed by Patricia Kraus in what looks like punk bondage gear with a great live orchestral finish. I'm not saying a thing. Not. A. Word.
• 1988: La Decada looks like someone took the Human League and Madness together. Or rather added Suggs to the Human League. I like upbeat songs, but this song is all over the place with no real direction.
• 1989: For a decade that started out with Sheena Easton singing a Bond tune, it comes to a close with Nina out Sheena Eastoning the rest of Eurovision with her voice and ENORMOUS hair...and mouth for that matter. She looks like she might accidentally take a bite out of that thing. Damn good song though.

The wolves are now calm and Paula decides to take a risk in bringing out the 4th song, Tu voz se apargara by the slightly snobbish looking Miguel Linde. The Mirela Brigade starts chanting and Paula looks a touch miffed. I'd be scared if I was them. Them lot shot Mirela in the foot!

• Mirela: Mirela makes a dramatic entrance surrounded in white with bare-chested Mirelans all around her. I know people loved her La Reina, but it's with this that Mirela really did an excellent job in my opinion, even though it runs the close risk of being Every way that I can part 2. It's a rare singer who can keep your attention in the middle of a upbeat song while being hoisted up in the air. Miguel is pleased.
• Merche: I said it before, and I'll say it again: Poor Merche. She starts out weak and crawling on the floor, before the Merchians lift her up in the air to reveal that she has an outfit on that...well...looks really Saturday night at a suburban nightclub. Who did she piss off? Merche tries to look sexy, but she just looks like she's in pain.
• NASH: I have my doubts that the boys can carry off mysterious and alluring. In fact, they don't even try. They just go for straight forward Dolce & Gabbana sexy. When in doubt, play for your strengths and that's just what they do. They shoot bedroom eyes and lustful grins all over the place. I'll be kind here and say that they are now 2 for 4. Mirela still wiped the floor with them. Miguel is mildly amused.
• Nazaret: There is no way that Nazaret could fuck up this song. No way on Earth. And she doesn't. In fact she goes full-tilt exotic with the female Nazarettes belly-dancing and sporting a live snake as a costume accessory. Even more risky, one of the Nazarettes carries off the snake leaving Nazaret alone onstage for a brief bit before the rest of the Nazarettes return. Controversial opinion here: Nazaret won this round decisively.
• Yanira: Yanira isn't a lost cause like Merche, but she still can't figure out when to sing LOUD, because she whispers her way through most of this. Nonetheless, she wisely went the exotic route as well.

Now it's time for the 1990s retrospective.

• 1990: Azucar Moreno fling their arms in the air and give everyone the false hope that following entries in 1990 will be as lively. Wrong.
• 1991: I can't look at Sergio Dalma the same way again after seeing that photo. (I'm not saying whether that is a compliment or not.)
• 1992: He's blind! He's bland! He's Serafin.
• 1993: Finally, confirmation that Hombres was the first time that "sex" was ever uttered in a Eurovision song...and what a debut. Is that Meshach Taylor's long-lost Spanish twin singing backup?
• 1994: Alejandro is A Bad.
• 1995: The real winner of 1995, since my other favourites (Sama and the Austrian entry) were nowhere close to the bellows from the Steamship Conde.
• 1996: I actually like this because it's so laid back and casual. It also is pleasure to finally hear a man wail for once.
• 1997: Yes, you're sexy as hell, Marcos, but your song just drags along until you start making faces and threatening to beat up the cameraman.
• 1998: I still can't believe that Mikel Herzog went from earnest looking preppy to somewhat dodgy looking lounge lizard within only 9 years.
• 1999: The dress is a horror. The song? Not so bad.

Paula excitedly brings us back because it's time for the final round (as opposed to final final). The 5th song is Una Lagrima, and it's written by...hippies.

• Merche: I hear a Merche cheer, so perhaps Merche isn't entirely without luck. That said, dressing yourself up like Jessica Simpson while the Merchians do some dancing that I haven't seen since 1988? Not a good idea. She also gets outsung by her backing track. Poor Merche.
• Nazaret: Again, a song that seems practically tailor made for Nazaret--who really hasn't made a misstep all night, honestly. Nazaret attacks the stage slowly but deadly. It's a very minimalist performance with no Nazarettes and nor ornaments, but there's a definite connection between her and the song. That's bold. The hippies? Not so impressed.
• NASH: Wow, NASH goes for 3 out of 5, just because they're going for performance art here. NASH is blindfolded (one of which reads "fear," another "poverty," one that says "hunger" and another which says "war" if my translation is up to snuff). They're also in a circle in which they spin around. It's a whole new subgenre: political boyband music. They are also wearing mock military uniforms. I would've loved if they had won with this. They stay relatively quiet during the verse then go full tilt anger-pop during the chorus. It's very defiant and unexpected. In fact, it only slightly loses its edge when they take off the blindfolds. The "peace" shirts were a bit too much, but dammit, this was the performance of the final.
• Yanira: Yanira is having one of her better (read: you can actually hear her annunciate) performances. She is out in front while the Yanirans walk in lock step in back. Then she makes the mistake of smiling. I would need to look at the lyrics closely, but I gather this is not a song meant for smiling if NASH and Nazaret's performances are anything go by. Not to mention, the title is "a teardrop." Don't smile! Her strongest performance so far. The hippies wave excitedly.
• Mirela: Black & White for Mirela & the Mirelans. The latter who do a bunch of arm and pelvic thrusts while Mirela shoots sultry looks at the camera. Nice touch with giving the Mirelans fake scars over their eyes. Mirela is vocally perfect, but not quite their emotionally. Advantage NASH this round.

Paula declares the first phase of the final over after mentioning that Mirela is the youngest of all the entrants. Burn! If I was Yanira or Merche I'd take that as a definite slam.

"Commercial" break. What we get is TVE claiming that they are the "symbol of information." You don't even have a real logo.

Paula has changed her dress from slutty leopard to fiery red and she is proud. of. it.

There was apparently a problem with the sound in the studio during one of the performances of La Reina de la Noche and Paula issues a brief explanation. The Receding Hairlines look comforted, so they will repeat it. The crowd goes wild with enthusiasm. I prepare to fast forward. Paula makes a joke about having to repeat the 1980s retrospective.

Oh Paula, you need to run this every year.

They redo La Reina de la Noche. NASH still adept, but bland. (Why can't they repeat their version of Una Lagrima? That was brilliant.) Mirela sharper. Yanira more composed and louder. Short Hair Receding Hairline still looking pissed. Merche still struggling to get anywhere. Nazaret sexier. Mirela won this round, but Nazaret gave her even more trouble this time, especially with the Nazarettes remembering not to smile.

Paula checks in to make sure that the audience is pleased. They are.

She's also stalling majorly by explaining the televoting process before getting to the recap.

To note: Busco sucked for everybody except for Nazaret and Mirela; I Love You sucked for everybody except for Nazaret, Mirela, and NASH; La Reina sucked for everybody except for Nazaret and Mirela; Tu voz sucked for everybody except for Nazaret, NASH, and Mirela; Una Lagrima sucked for everybody except for Nazaret and NASH. (Mirela was vocally there, but not emotionally there. Yanira and Merche were just out of their league in everything.) In respect to songs: I Love You is the most Eurovision friendly, but Una Lagrima was probably the best song.

The psychotic Mirela fans start their chant early, but Paula shuts them down quickly. She's got a 2000s retrospective to do.

• 2000: He's still blind. He's slightly less bland. he's still Serafin.
• 2001: David Civera does his best Marc Antony impression, back when that was considered fresh and innovative.
• 2002: Rosa reminds the Triumfonistas that she won and it's her happy upbeat ode to Europe not theirs. So stop trying to upstage her. She's also the best dressed onstage, although not by much.

The package ends too quickly and catches Paula by surprise as she tells everybody to keep on calling or stop calling. I couldn't quite make it out.

Back to the retrospective.

• 2003: If it weren't for that pesky Sertab, nonsensical Belgians, fake Russian lesbians, the Swedish robotic duo, and few others, Beth would've won in 2003 with a very good follow-up to Rosa.
• 2004: Raul shakes his thing in Istanbul, but winds up doing a weak Luis Miguel impression.
• 2005: Aaaah! The Witches! The Witches!
• 2006: If it weren't for The Ketchup doing so badly, then we wouldn't be in this *snort* (Ahhh.) endless final. Hold your heads in shame, ladies. Hold your heads in shame.

The wolves are out for blood and Paula doesn't care. Oops, yes she does because she shuts them up in a second.

It's result time. Appropriately they bring out a TVE stuffed shirt to present the 5 songs going to the Superfinal. The wolves are now very hungry. The stuffed shirt speaks:

(Long-winded preamable)

• NASH/Busco (Blond NASH smirks with a "we have to perform that shit again?" smile)
• Nazaret/Busco (Nazaret pleased)
• NASH/I Love You (DVR cuts out, so I have to switch. I'm assuming NASH are pleased.)
• Mirela/La Reina (Mirela smiles innocently.)
• Nazaret/Tu voz (Nazaret seems a little bit overwhelmed...in a good way.)

Merche and Yanira shut out to no one's surprise. Paula orders NASH, Nazaret, and Mirela into the green room, while she talks to the shut-outs. Yanira & Merche are very cool and collected about it. Yanira especially. Yanira gives the beauty queen answer to "how do you feel?" Merche says nothing. Poor Merche.

Paula explains the new televoting process. Lord, this thing is too complex. Anyway, it's the Superfinal, which means full versions of each of the songs. I'm surprised Paula isn't hyping that...probably because they're in overtime now.

• NASH/Busco: (I'm still not changing it for them.) When I realise that NASH could be performing Una Lagrima instead of this tripe, it just makes it look even more tacky. More muttering during the verses. Considering that Blond NASH didn't look too keen on performing this again, he certainly throws himself into it. Cabaret Owner looks very happy to have NASH singing it. All I can say is that the full version isn't that much better than the condensed one.
• Nazaret/Busco: Still sexy, but there's a nice little goof where one of the male Nazarettes has his sunglasses fall off his face while Nazaret gropes him. Nazaret purrs her way through the verses, and most of the refrain. Nonetheless, she does the easy job of doing better with this song than NASH did with it. Even better, she actually conveys sex, which really is what the song is about. In the full version, there's a bit that is straight out of Gina G's 1996 performance.

The Nazaret Brigade's cheer goes on a bit too long and Paula shoots a "bitch, please, we're overtime" look to the camera. She congratulates Yanira & Merche for...well, being good sports while the three other acts basically wiped the floor with them. She then congratulates the Hippies for writing a damn good song.

• NASH/I Love You: Still coming out of those damn curtains. And how did I not notice the two male Nashettes holding the curtains up? Anyway, NASH attack the stage with a song that really had to win when you think about it. They toss even more lustful looks to the camera, and I am struck with the odd realisation that they really did the wise thing by taking a lot of the Ricky Martin out of the song (save for the refrain). Donatella shakes her hands wildly in the audience. Definite winner, but they will have to make it 2x bigger in Helsinki to do the business.
• Mirela/La Reina: If this song had to make it to the superfinal, at least the best singer is doing it. Mirela is much more composed and regal this time around. Excellent staging and I can see why everybody wanted it to win, especially in its full version where Mirela kicked it into high gear. I think it would've gotten lost in Helsinki though (cf. Marlain in 1999, Severina and Kate Ryan last year). Short Hair Receding Hairline is actually smiling!
• Nazaret/Tu Voz: This has to be the stronger of Nazaret's two songs, and unlike in Busco, Nazaret does attack the stage in full beaded and bellied fury...then she starts purring again during the verses. Once she starts wailing she gets her strength back again. I'm surprised that Nazaret is so uneven. Had she brought it together she could've taken a very strong 2nd place.

Paula tells us that our vote is decisive. Since no one has said anything about a jury, I'd assume it would be. I can sense she's getting sick of explaining the televoting, because she is trying to find the most interesting way of describing it.

Recap: Busco sucked for NASH because of the staging; Busco worked somewhat for Nazaret because she made it about sex; I Love You was the middle song and the middle shall always rise--both in politics and at Eurovision, also by the fact that NASH realised that they can finally use that Boyband Handbook they had stored in the back; Mirela knew that La Reina was her sole chance and used it to her advantage; What Tu Voz taught us: When Nazaret is loud, she is very good, when she is quiet, it doesn't work.

And since we now know who won (NASH), with what song (I Love You Mi Vida--although it should've been Una Lagrima). My Eurosong-driven "Coke" binge is now over.

The Splash-View Post-Mortem: The 720th Post (Observed)

Tonight's Post-Mortem brought to you by Susumu Hirasawa's Parade, since I've had the song ringing in my ear all night long and everybody else might as well be speaking the chorus from this song since I couldn't figure out what they were saying.

Because really, the 720th post would really be about a night out and not Eurovision.

Honestly, as much as a chameleon I try to be, there are certain subcultures I just cannot infiltrate nor understand.

The first is what I will call the "twink stars." "Twink stars" are the thin, occasionally toned men who walk around a bar with their high cheekbones, noses, and spiky hair up in the air with the belief/delusion that everybody wants them or wants to be them.

I'm sorry, but I can't.

I was never a twink even when I was under 25. My body can't twist itself into skinny and toned, and that is all right by me these days.

Yet, the twink stars were out in force at Splash tonight. Most likely since their Saturday raison d'être (aka The Roxy) is going bye-bye soon. I was elbowed, poked, and just flat out bumped by them while trying to enjoy my latest drink discovery: the Godiva White Orange Juice.

Not being an openly confrontational person (hey, I want to keep my free admission) , I buggered off to the View...even though the DJ downstairs was doing an EXCELLENT job and made me want to stay for more.

At The View, I was confronted with another gay subculture: the muscle bears. I am not hairy beyond my areolas, nor am I of a certain age, so it is damn near impossible for me to crack that group. Nonetheless, courtesy of Comic-Con being in town, The View had a "muscle" bear go-go boy in a superman outfit shaking his package opposite me. Another musclebear dug in next to me, and given the time I was all for those two to go off to their hirsute heaven.

This point in the game, my focus is solely on getting home by foot in one piece and with relatively coherent thoughts.

The 720th Post: It All Comes Back to Eurovision Somehow

And it's about Eurovision, in particular Spain.

So we all know who won, and the fans aren't all that pleased with it.

I haven't seen the show yet (it won't air for another hour here), but I'm taking the long view of things.

In the midst of any kvetching, just remember the horrors of the Witches and the Ketchup.

Now remember that you've got a boyband (major + with the voters), frothy bilingual G:son entry (another +, he's like the Nordic Brendam Graham, this one), and an uptempo number (another +). It's not very Spanish per se, but it's total mass appeal.

And remember this quote from The Rocky Horror Picture Show:

"I didn't make him for you."

Based on the reaction of Finnish acquaintences of mine, they really didn't want Lordi to be the ones bringing the trophy to Finland last year.

All that said, Portugal quite likely will send something very urban and very Portugese and beat up the scoreboard, thus proving that there is no set formula for every country.

Recaplet of the Spanish final to come soon. It's a recaplet, because I do not have the patience of Job to sit through that long of a final with 25 possiblities and filler without resorting to massive fast-forwarding.

In other news:

Latvia chose some operatic song in Italian. It's nice when you know ahead of time when to have your bathroom break.

Karolina got the nod for Macedonia with a song weaker than her 2002 entry (however even that song was all about the performance), but likely to get into the final and more of a fighting chance of keeping Macedonia in the final for 2008 if both she and her backing singers go all dramatic onstage.

When Bigots Shoehorn Themselves to Progressive Law

A lawyer in Oklahoma is arguing that a bigot preacher "has a right to pick up hustlers," according to this story on 365gay.

What makes this more ludicrous is that the lawyer is using Lawrence v. Texas (the Supreme Court case that overturned sodomy laws) to argue that since there was no money exchanged, that Reverend Latham isn't guilty of any crime when he asked an undercover policeman to go up to his hotel room for a blow job.

While that may be true, and while I do believe that prostitution should be legalised, the fact that this man was the supporter of a homophobic resolution makes me hope that he gets the book thrown at him.

By the way, what the lawyer--if I'm interpreting this correctly--is arguing is not exactly the right to pick up hustlers, but the right to cruise and hook up, 1970's style.

The Eurovision 2007 National Final Season Not Quite Half Point

Take a look at the list of participants over at esctoday.com. Shockingly, not that many countries have chosen and the cutoff date in Mid-March is rapidly approaching.

But what of the ones who have chosen or close to choosing? Well, I reckon we most likely have not heard the winner.

• Moldova: Eh. La Podolskaya did the same thing but better in 2005.
• Malta: Surprisingly good. Perhaps longtime MSFE bridesmaid Olivia Lewis will go all Lena Ph in Helsinki.
• Israel: Not chosen. I like the selection of songs, although Twelve Points is more of the annoying supposedly "ironic" crap that Lithuania inflicted all the way to a top ten finish last year.
• Poland: Yes, they're a La Bouche knockoff, and the song unnecessarily slows down in parts, but it's strong.
• Netherlands: Yes, yes, yes. It's weaker than Hemel En Aarde, but one of the strongest songs chosen so far and will probably be in better shape in May.
• Switzerland: Vampires Are Alive? Christ on a stick. That said, Switzerland will likely get into the final if they don't throw everything but the kitchen sink at it. I mean, good grief, that video!
• Slovenia: If they decide to go all gothic and moody like Omar in 2005, then it'll stand a good chance. That said, one of the members of the team behind this came up with Claudia's entry from 2004. I think he doesn't know how to do dark, moody, and yet uptempo trance when it comes to staging...and he terrified all and sundry with his mugging for the camera, frankly.
• Belarus: Belarus in Eurovision Final Shocker. Who cares about free press?
• Belgium: No one has heard the song, but The KMGs sound like the Belgian answer to Corduroy and that is a very very very very good thing. (Update: Heard the song, it's very Corduroy meets Earth, Wind, & Fire--and it's damn good. Dark horse of the year.)
• Norway: On some level, I know the EBU is very happy not to have a band called "Dusty Cowshit" in play this year, and frankly, I didn't care for their song (but then again, I live in the US where that stuff is two-a-penny and there are several 24 hour channels playing that ad nauseum). Anyway, onto Guri, who did win: Not bad, but not spectacular. That said, not bad and not spectacular got Denmark to the final in 2005. Apart from 1999--which was a fluke, in my view--Norway traditionally does decently during their uptempo years (see 1998, 2000, 2005).
• Albania: Nope, not going to happen. Will fall flat like a stone.
• Latvia: Not chosen. No Madara Celma, no interest from me.
• Cyprus: Based on the tiny snippet I heard this is going to be a francophonic synth and guitar masterpiece. Evridiki will hopefully outdo Carola as most successful returning alumni. (Update: Heard the full version and apart from one awkward dramatic pause, it's still an excellent synth-and-guitar assault. If Evridiki allows herself to let herself go absolutely crazy onstage--like La Vissi was trying--but not quite succeeding in--last year. She should do the business. If she doesn't get out of the semi, then I reckon even I will be able to hear the snarling from Evri and the Cypriots thousands of miles away. I'm still cowering in fear from La Ryan last year.)
• Iceland: Dima Bilan's entry last year as performed by Vincent of Beauty & The Beast fame. Eh. (Age has been mean to him)
• Estonia: Good, very good. In the Estonia versus Finland stakes, I side with Eesti and La Padar. (Although I would've liked seeing Vanilla Ninja's ode to heroin addiction.)
• Denmark: All this time and Denmark has only now gotten around to selecting a drag queen? I mean, it's Denmark! Strong, but slots are few and this is on the edge.
• Macedonia: Not chosen. If they're wise they'll go for 1,2,3 and hopefully gather votes that aren't from the diaspora. (Seriously, I heard the song and immediately thought "mass appeal.")
• Andorra: I have no idea. They say they're a punk band, but the song is called Save the world. I suspect that there won't be any humilating choreography this time around for the Andorrans.
• Croatia: Not chosen. Do one or more of the Feminnem girls have a sex tape? Does Luka Nižetic? I can imagine all the puns that will be flying around if Ness gets the nod along with Spain going for NASH. All that said, I reckon it's a toss up between Feminnem and Luka Nižetic (though I'd rather have Angels go all Vanilla Ninja for Croatia and get the nod), neither of whom stand a strong chance of getting out of this year's Qualifier of death even with a striptease.
• Czech Republic: Not chosen. Underdog status might get them to the next round.
• Bulgaria: Bulgaria's holding a final this weekend? Who knew? Seriously though, no real stand outs this year, but I have a suspicion that Bulgaria will actually get through. (Update: They've chosen and it's the one song I can remember, Voda, which is features lots of drums and vocalising. Good choice.)
• Montenegro: Not chosen. Not likely to make it to the final either based on what I've heard, unless one of those entries has an amazing floorshow planned.
• Serbia: Not chosen. Based on the snippets I've heard, Serbia will go to the final, especially with Negativ, but frankly, 80% of the songs in Beovizija could do that job. Perhaps Beovizija will become the Balkan MF?
• Georgia: Not chosen. Sopho's got an amazing voice, which combined with underdog status will probably propel Georgia to the final.
• Romania: Blech. Cloying sweet ditty that really needs to go away soon. There will be enough variety around so that they can't bank on the cute and inoffensive vote.
• Ireland: See Romania.
• Finland: See Moldova strangely enough. Although La Podolskaya's effort was co-arranged by Finns. Hanna just comes across as a whiny brat singing this, not angsty. Like Ashlee Simpson.
• Lithuania: Not chosen. As much of a Eurovision fan I am, the Lithuanian selection is too complex and big for me--or frankly, anyone who values their social life--to handle. Wake me up if Saules Kliošas get the nod.
• Greece: Not chosen. That said, it's very possible they'll tie or do 1 place better than La Vissi with any of the three (though Sarbel or Christos might very well do a Constantinos circa 2005, and Tamta's song will need to steroids to get noticed).
• Germany: Not chosen. Hamburg 2008? Not going to happen. It's just a question of how close to the top 5 or how far below the top 10 Germany will be.
• Spain: Not chosen. Blissfully ballad-free final and god knows if they pick NASH or Nazaret and camp it up, Spain might shockingly win it.
• Sweden: Not chosen. Nanne has to fight to get out of the Second Chance round (odds are she will). The Ark are proclaimed virtual winners (although from a song standpoint: why? And yes, I've heard of them. They get occasional airplay on LOGO), and now we've got another "semi of death" this week with After Dark's poptastic ode to masturbation (my favourite) up against "New Yorker" Andreas Johnson, and "Janis Joplinsson" Caroline af Ugglas. Andreas and Caroline will probably get the tickets, After Dark and Magnus (the 1970s are over?) will have to fight it out in second chance. The Ark, Nanne, and Sebastian (again: why?) go into the blood bath of a Melodifestivalen final voting, with The Ark barely edging it out and Sweden in the Qualifier in 2008. (Unless Nanne or Caroline win it and Sweden stays in the Final, but won't win.)
• France: Best selection for France in years. I'm hoping for Les Vedettes, but shockingly even the song from Les Wampas doesn't grate my nerves.

Still left to chose without even a snippet coming across: Bosnia-Herzegovina (I'm not a ballad fan, so I'm skeptical), the UK (will the hype pay off? I dare say it will), Portugal (very dark horse, especially with Finland having won and RTP getting very serious about it), Austria (ha!), Hungary (chose a ballad at your own risk), Armenia (destined to follow in Albania's path if they don't do the logical thing and get Colton Ford & Cher), Russia (you just know they're planning something big, perhaps Michel Lucas & Nichya), and Ukraine (which sounds like it's practically guaranteed to Verka Seduchka, not good for them with DQ a strong contender for the final, and if After Dark surprisingly get the nod...well, that will lead to some drama and cannibalising votes).

I'd check out packages for 2008 to Brussels, Moscow, Manchester, Barcelona, or Lisbon, if I was a betting man.

Birthday Post-Mortem Part 4: All Night I Dream About White Castle

Really, I do.

I'm drinking at The View and quite honestly I want a tiny cheeseburger to take away my yearning.

Yearning for something out there which I can't describe, but know is there.

It won't solve my toothache, nor my Adonis complex.

But dammit I want one.

And the fact that tonight's comrade (4 years my junior) is off to go eat...

...kills me.

Further Proof Why Alya Rules

This is her performance of Vizija at EMA 2007.




Shirtless male dancers, Hard rock orchestration, Cheerleaders. I tell you, she would do the business easily in Helsinki.

And she really is turning into Dale Bozzio in her heyday...which is only a good thing in my book.