Oh, the horror (film)!

I read the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel nearly every day. Mostly because I like Tim Cuprisin's Inside TV & Radio column (which is often times funnier than the New York Daily News's Inner Tube), but also because I get a chance to find out how bizarre things are in my hometown.

Apparently, some guy who teaches film at my old school (where film wasn't even an option!!!) is hoping to take over a shuttered elementary school in Mequon to shoot a low-budget horror film, or as the school board president described it "a creature feature."

Considering that Mequon is zealous about image, I'm truly shocked they actually are considering this. I know the city is greying, but they can't be that hard up, can they?

If this reads bitter, then you're bang on target. Mequon is Milwaukee's answer to Stepford. Every building has to be colonial. I do mean every building from houses to fast food restaurants to even gas stations. You will not even be allowed a permit unless the building is done in that style.

This is the same city where the police suffocated a teen who was resisting arrest with a gas mask issued by Homeland Security.

This is the same city where I sampled the wares of its middle-aged married male populace as a teenager, but was probably the only openly gay male for miles.

This is the same city that is so obsessed with cultivating a landed gentry image, that they are planning a subdivision for horse riders.

And now they are considering shooting daft horror films there? Has the world gone mad?

All right, well, I want to see if I can get the Mequon-Thiensville School Board to sign on to produce my play Mequon, which I can assure you, is not violent, at least in the physical sense.

We can stage it at Range Line Elementary. It'll be an atmospheric production, the audience can just walk around from room to room along with the actors. Oh, we'll use all local actors as well.

And they'll just love the subject matter.