Some Excellent Live Eurovision Blogs

The majority of the referrals to the site are for Eurovision fans or just mere curious (we won't talk about SWWNBN's pervs), so to help out and give some hits to guys who are the eyes and ears for all of us in Kiev/Kyiv, here are some links to fan/press blogs covering the contest:

• All Kinds of Everything
• Eurovision Kazakhstan Euroweek (much respect to Andy as he's covering the event in both Russian and English)
• OnEurope

Splash Post-Mortem: The Queer As Folk Edition

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Mommy, make the bad men go away

I just got back from seeing Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room. Lord, I have never felt so rattled by a film since the death scene in Bambi. A powerful argument against deregulation of public utilities, to say the least. The section of the documentary that deals with the California power crisis is particularly alarming, and suggests that Schwartzenegger might have very well been in cahoots with Enron in his power grab for the governship. Go see it.

Day 3 without a cigarette

Well, it seems the lord giveth and taketh away. On the upside, I flip to the New York Daily News's website and read that David Biancculli has rightfully torn NBC's fall lineup a new one. On the downside, Good Day New York has decided that this week, we must have Mike Woods and various citizens of the Tri-State Area sing (horribly) during the weather forecast. Usch, this is the reason why I do not watch the majority of Today.

This is not what I need in the morning, particularly these mornings when my only recourse is chomping away at a piece of Nicorette to death. Not to mention, I'm getting a bit nervous about whether I'll be able to watch this year's Eurovision on TV, since there is no mention of it on the schedule on TVE Internacional's website, at least none that my Spanish-deficient self can decipher. The Capri 120s on my desk are looking so tempting right now. The real challenge will be if I can survive later on today when I go to see the new Enron documentary after working out.

There may be a sudden increase in angry postings

As per the surgeon's request, I gave up smoking this past Sunday (a little less than the mandatory two weeks but close). At first, I thought this was a bunch of hokum, but after reading some of the reasons why, I think I'm going to have to follow the damn rules this time.

This is not going to be pleasant whatsoever. I understand roid rage now.

Chelsea: It's not just a neighbourhood, it's a state of mind

Seen and heard this afternoon at my gym:

Three middle aged men, two of them with spare tires, the other one a little more in shape. They are all looking at the scale.

Man #1: This can't be right. I don't think this is working.
Man #2: Are you sure?
Man #1: Well, look at the balance. It's not balanced.
(Gestures over to Man #3)
Man #1: Look at this. The balance is...oh wait, it's balanced. But something's definitely wrong. Try it.
Man #3: I don't weigh myself.
Man #2: So you don't know your weight?
Man #1: Still, try it.
Man #3: Well, I don't know my weight, so I couldn't tell you if it's right or not.
Man #2: Why don't you weigh yourself?
(Man #3 shoots a Joan Crawford-esque look at the others)
Man #3: I really don't want to know what it is.

I hate to say this, but this could be read by teenage girls.

Sign me up for this!

I don't know what their doctrine is, but if that's what they call their convention then praise Jesus!

Jiminy!

The organisers of LA Pride must be delusional. Yet somehow, it's an oddly appropriate choice for LA.

I'm Still A Millionaire, Wanker

Channel 4 (UK) has a brilliant albeit controversial advertisement featuring celebrities swearing. Grab a pen and paper and see how many times your favourite swear pops up.

Attention BA: This would get Americans flying to London in droves rather than assuming that we are too dumb to know what a car park, pavement, and scorcher mean.

Splash-Rawhide Post-Mortem

A miracle! I did not get harrassed at Splash! Alas, I was the victim of painfully slow service, but more importantly I did not get harrassed!

Unfortunately, due to the slow service (I've been alternating between sections, and now I know where I can sit down have a drink and get it in good time) I wound up going to Rawhide. Why Rawhide? Well, I could say that it's because I'm as old as the bar. Which is true, but not the motivation. The real motivation frankly is because I have read stories of Anderson Cooper and Steve Bartlestein going there. Dammit, I want to say to my children that I saw a gay newscaster in a bar in Chelsea!

Unfortunately, I guess the newsmen don't come on go-go boy night. Instead, I got hit on by a Daniel Liebskind-lookalike who claimed to be an artistic director at an ad agency. That is all fine and dandy, except that he constantly declared his love (not lust, but love) for me.

You can only shake up your Tuesday night routine only so much.

Inside a critic's mind

Howard Kissel, the Daily News theatre critic, offers a revealing look into what makes critics give a rave. I have to say that I mostly agree with him, especially on the subject of transporting the audience to an exotic place. A play should really transport you sight and sound into a place different than a theatre. That would sound like a good argument for film as opposed to theatre, but actually, I think that theatre has the upper-hand over film because it is a live experience.

I should probably admit that I haven't seen a show on or off Broadway in at least a year. Why? The current crop seems to fail miserably in being enchanting or seductive enough to make me part with the cash. Hopefully, the next season will be better.

You're next, Jimmy!

The Journal-Sentinel has a scathing (and rightfully so) article on Representative James Sensenbrenner, who is the Senior member of Wisconsin's delegation to the House. The article states that Sensenbrenner is tops amongst WI representatives in terms of expensive junkets. He claims that all of his trips were related to work, especially as Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee. (Yes, he was one of the idiots who led the charge to impeach Bill Clinton.) I fail to see how visting Liechtenstein TWICE is critical to American security.

He also happens to be "my representative,"* despite the fact that myself, my mother, and the scant few other Democrats in Ozaukee and Washington Counties have been trying to get this fool out of office for as long as I can remember.


*I vote absentee whenever possible and I know that it matters. The first national election I participated in was 2000, where Wisconsin went to Gore by only 500 or so votes, including absentee ballots. In 2004, I voted in New York, which had more to do with the fact that I had just registered here in order to vote for the mayoral election. Next major state election, I'm going right back to voting absentee for Wisconsin. My rationale is simple, my mother still lives there, so what goes down in WI does affect me. Plus, it really does make a difference.

Fun time at Parliament

The CBC (blissful sigh) has a hilarious selection of political insults hurled between MPs during Question Time in Ottawa. It makes you wish that Bush had to meet with Congress on a daily basis, just see what some Congressional memebers would say. Not to mention the absolute fun time it would be to see him defend his Social Security reform.

Oh ya, Milwaukee dat's a happening hotspot, don'cha know?

Even though I liked it better when it was two newspapers, my old hometown newspaper, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel is always a funny read. Take a look at this article on nightlife in Brew City.

I know this might make me seem like a snooty New Yorker, but if you grew up there, you'll know why I find this hilarious. Nightlife has always been notoriously bad.

Gay News Roundup

Two articles really stood out this morning as I read New York's two gay weekly papers:

The New York Blade has an article on the upcoming trio of Gay TV networks we will be getting. I'm just taking a stab in the dark here, but I'm assuming that Time Warner has a near vice-like grip on the 5 boroughs, because the only time I had RCN as an option (and yes, I took it) was when I lived in Morningside Heights. This is quite the disadvantage, because Time Warner is only airing LOGO, which is the Viacom supported channel, even though it has here TV (listen, the channel writes it lowercase) on pay-per-view. If we get Lifetime and all of its channels, plus WE, and Oxygen, can't we get a trio of gay ones as well?

The Gay City News has the strangest article that I've been trying to decifer. On one hand, it seems to be talking about some bar on Avenue A called Boysroom where I guess boys get drunk and watch go-go boys cavort about. (Eh, I get the same at Splash and it's closer. Not to mention that I find new-to-the-city NYU students for the most part...loud and annoying.) However, it seems to be considering it a gay parallel to frat house-style partying. Okay, I'm dumb. If someone out there can explain what the point of this article is, I'd be very grateful.

Plastic Surgeon's Office: A Metaphor for Gotham Society?

Yesterday, I spent a good chunk of the afternoon at the plastic surgeon's office for a consultation.

(I will get into the specifics as the day of surgery arrives, but for now, suffice to say that I believe that cosmetic surgery should only be used to subtract and normalise, not to turn into a Jocelyn Wildenstein freak. Google that name and be prepared to be horrified.)

Since I'm very paranoid about being on-time, I wound up getting there too early and spending some time in the waiting room. What a cast of characters! It was a therapist's wet dream:

• A man dressed straight out of the Lands End catalogue, who got increasingly more uncomfortable as time wore on and he realised that he had no reading material, and therefore might be forced to read Blender or Radar.
• A loud abrasive and spoiled high school or college student. (I know I'm getting old, since they are all beginning to look the same) She dropped her cell phone and nasally made a joke to the very charming and level-headed receptionist saying "you didn't call, like, Bangladesh, or something?" She was accompanied by a bleach blond friend who stayed on her own cell phone the whole entire time. It makes me wonder how terrified they must be to actually deal with someone face-to-face.
• A flaming red-headed woman in the throes of middle age, but desperately trying hold onto a youth that has long since left her. She name-dropped P. Diddy and other big social names while caressing her face to smooth out wrinkles that the Botox didn't hit. Once she sat down, she started typing away on her Sidekick like her life depended on aping Paris Hilton.
• A man in a business suit, trying to act all tough and masculine, but appearing like he was just constipated.
• And then there's me: Sitting in the corner, flashing bare ankle (the second Spring comes, off go my socks) and trying to write without bursting into laughter.

I'm Still A Millionaire (XXXXXX)

John Rocker, that beacon of tolerance, is now playing with some minor league team out in Long Island. Apparently he had an interesting exchange with someone in the stands.

I'm hoping "I'm Still A Millionaire (chose your own expletive)" becomes the new stoned college student phrase du jour.


So here's the quick and ranting Splash post-mortem: For once I was going to have company on my Splash night--Garrett. Was trying to sit down and enjoy the videos but was hit upon consistently by a drunk lawyer. Received text message from Garrett that he was running late. The transition over to a club began and I switched places to the far side of the bar, which has more space. I placed my sweater on the seat next to me. All of a sudden a group of drunk and rude Germans plop down next to me, bumping the sweater off. Only when I pick it up, does it occur to them that maybe an apology is required. Instead one of them looks at me with this dazed look in his eyes and says "are yooooou angry?" I give my best passive-aggressive smile and say "no, not at all."

What I should've said: "I'm Still A Millionaire, ya drunk asshole."

Halfway there book review: One Night Stand

I've been reading One Night Stand for the past week right before I go to sleep. I don't quite know what to make out of it. On one hand, this book is clearly not War & Peace and therefore shouldn't be examined on a deeper level; but, on the other hand, sometimes these little stretches of reality irk me.

The stretch of reality with One Night Stand is that I really don't buy Derek's (the lead character) sanctimonous attitude.

Here's a fairly spoiler-free summary of what I've read so far: Derek is a 23 year old handsome, muscular (I think author Ben Tyler means muscular in the lean sense) aspiring actor in Los Angeles, working as a waiter. When the restaurant he works at suddenly shuts, Derek scrambles to find another source of income. In desperation he takes out an ad in a local gay magazine as a legitmate masseur. Derek stays firm in his refusual to give "happy endings." Eventually he meets up with Tom, a client who he does sleep with (because he wants to). Tom, in turn, introduces Derek to a movie star who wants to take Derek on as his toy boy. Derek reluctantly agrees.

I am majorly summarising things here, because there are pages and pages of Derek being all moral and what have you, which is just annoying. Likewise, there's this romance with his ex-coworker Juan that just seems to come out of nowhere. Not to mention, it's a bit unnerving how Juan still refers to Derek as "Boss."

Nonetheless, I am going to give this a shot and finish it to the end, because despite the shaky way to the middle, the road to the end might be much more satisfying.

Happy May Day

It's May Day. I'm a Socialist. I'm in New York. So, voila.

You'd Better Run and Hide

(Courtesy of Germany's song "Run and Hide" Funny that.)

I really did not want to comment on the whole runaway bride media circus in Georgia, but geez...14 bridesmaids and 600 guests? How unnecessarily ostentatious is that? I'd want to escape that hellish wedding too--especially if I had to beard for some fruity branch of a Southern family.

Not that this lady gets that much sympathy from me. Did she have to mention the race of her fake kidnappers? That's a screwy value system that uses racism to cover up for your own neuroses.

By the way, if you saw Saturday Today this morning, you got the hilarious treat of watching Lester Holt & Campbell Brown get gradually more confused as the story unfolded. First, it was "Yay! She's alive." Second it was "Oh, she may not have been kidnapped." Finally it was "I don't get it...She made this all up." Absolutely funny to watch them try to be perky and perplexed at the same time.

If you can, take a brief moment to pause and reflect on the War in Vietnam. As in most wars, there were no winners. As you may remember, my late father was a Vietnam vet and POW. I often wish that I knew what exactly occurred to him there, but perhaps his greatest gift to me was shielding me from some of the horrors that I think may have replayed in his mind on an all too frequent basis.

Wake Up You Guys

(So say Suntribe in this year's official Estonian Entry "Let's Get Loud")

• Natalya Podolskaya has launched her new website (wherein she spells her name as Natalia instead of Natalya, but for reasons listed below, I'm spelling it that way I want to). It's a very standard affair, but it merits a mention in this entry because on the site is La Podolskaya's new video clip for "Nobody Hurt(s) No One" is a true tragedy and illustrates the major disconnect between the lyrics and the performers. It's a song about school shootings and what do we see? Natalya and generic East Village rocker types (I don't care if one of them is from Rasmus, they still look like bland rocker boys/models) performing and pouting but NOT A SINGLE image of the terror and aftereffects of school shootings. This is a message song people! To not show what you are singing about (and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she does) and instead focus on portraying "rock cred" is really selfish and beyond the pale.
• So I'm watching "Revolution" (on AZN, formerly the International Channel) and they play a video for this Japanese singer Rie Fu. While I'm certain Ms. Fu is nice woman, she is irritating to listen to. I've already come across once before, as she is currently singing the new ending theme song for Gundam SEED Destiny. I didn't like it, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. No more. What gets my goat about her is that she has an extremely flat singing voice. Lady, if life is indeed a boat, I suggest you get on yours and sail away from the music business.
• As evidenced above, my major criticism of Japanese pop music has always been its focus on style over substance. Rie Fu may have a flat singing voice that gnaws at the nerves, but YUI & YUKI are even worse. YUI and the management team behind her seems to think that by playing a guitar and wailing "Feel My Soul" off-key makes her seem credible. Far from it. She looks and sounds like a teenage girl playing grown-up. (Nami Tamaki does the same thing, except Nami actually has the voice to back it up.) YUKI & her crew don't even pretend that she can sing and that's just plain cruel. Listen to her song Joy. It sounds like it's going to be a nice little pleasant synth-pop song then YUKI starts "singing." Oh lord, it is painful. The woman is nasal beyond belief and she strangles words within an inch of their life. Never before have I heard "desu" come out as "DE~A~YA~S."
• ORANGE RANGE has a pretty good song out called "Asterisk." My only problem with it, is that I can't pick up any sort of connection between the lyrics and asterisks. Were they just looking in a dictionary picked a random word as the title? I mean the group's name is ORANGE RANGE, so clearly logical names and ideas are not important to them.
• Gawker has interesting coverage of the launch party for Air Tahiti Nui's new nonstop flight between New York and Papeete. That's right, New York to Tahiti nonstop. To give some context to this, you must know that Air Tahiti Nui (an airline I have never flown, but the buzz seems like it's quite a good one) has plastered the sides of buses and phone booths with ads reading"www.nyctotahitinonstop.com" for months now. I admit that as a playwright, I am disconnected from the business world, but I have trouble believing that there are enough New Yorkers clamouring for nonstop service to Tahiti even on a weekly basis. At least not enough to fill up an A340. When I last checked, a fair amount of Air Tahiti Nui's Papeete-Los Angeles flights continued onto Paris. So unless they are flying Paris-New York-Papeete, then this is one stupid business move in my opinion.

Show Me All Your Dirty Moves

(Tonight's entry courtesy of Norway's "In My Dreams")

George W. Bush in unintentional double-entendre gaffe in Texas.

Later at the same meeting in Galveston, Bush was quoted as saying "But I really do like Dick."

I am scared the boys are insane

Gay racism is alive and well in at least one San Francisco bar. The bar apparently entitled "Badlands" was just that for black customers. The owner, Les Natali (how slimy and Seventies is that name?), apparently believed that Blacks did not constitute "Badlands" clientele. This seemed to be his motivation behind several discriminatory practices including a special dress code for black patrons.

I say bring back the sit-ins!

Happy Pretty Way

For the remainder of the week I am going to use lyrics from this year's crop of ESC contenders as titles. (Today's victim is Portugal's "Amar.") Your stamina is appreciated.

It's after midnight on what is now technically Wednesday morning, which means that this is this week's installment of the Splash post-mortem. Tonight was a pretty good night actually. An extremely handsome and charming bartender (Hi Joe, if you're out there) said that I had a pretty face before I even placed my order...so you know he was getting the lion's share of my money. (Listen, I only drink twice a week and I average 6 beers at Splash.)

Anyway, as regular readers might know, my sole raison d'etre of going to Splash is to see music videos and there were some doozies tonight, I tell you:

• Some awards show performance of Usher, Mya, and Whitney Houston singing THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS out of Michael Jackson's "Got to be starting something." Worth noting for the fact that Usher was wearing some sort of fur thing slung over his shoulder, Mya got suspended in the air flashed her panties at the audience and really did nothing else, and Whitney looked really skinny. (She's still popular with the gays though, a very audible "woooo" came across the bar when she made her entrance.)
• As embarassing as this might be to admit, Rick Astley was quite the posh sex on a stick in his heyday. Some extended version of "Together Forever" played and I can tell you I forgot all about the uncoordinated big haired dancers behind him and was just taken in by his suave, pasty self. I loves me some Rick Astley. (Helps that he & I share the same birthday.)
• "Pump up the Jam" is one long, boring video...much more than I remember it from when it originally came out. Seriously all it consists of is one big frizzy haired black woman dancing and possibly lip-synching the lyrics interpersed with some dancer.
• I sympathise with the woman singing back up in "Church of the Poison Mind." She just gets two brief shots in the video, yet you remember her voice more than anybody else's.
• Jake Shears is skinny! Or at least he looked rail thin in the video for "Take Your Mama." He was a go-go boy? Was his ex-employer not picky? (I do actually like Jake Shears and his political stances, I just had to mention this because...well, if you mention that you used to be a go-go boy you shouldn't be surprised if you get comments like that.)
• There are dance mixes of The Killers' "Somebody Told Me" and for Michelle Branch. I guess on some level I'm not surprised, but at the same time...geez, is everything up for dance remixing now?

Like Watching A Car Crash

I have stumbled upon a dance remix of "Nobody Hurt(s) No One," and god help me, I really like it. The ethical side of me says that to do a dance version of a song about school shootings is pretty much beyond the pale, but my inner "boi" (shudder) says "the beat is soooooooo cool."

Yep, I'm going to hell.


Odd happening of the day: A friend (not Aron) told me that his boyfriend wants to leave him because he's getting too good looking and making the boyfriend feel insecure. I think he should grant him his wish, if the guy can't get past it. What do all of you in cyberspace think?

ESC = Eurovision Shag Contest?

The Red Cross is going to give free condoms out to people going to Eurovision 2005 in Kiev/Kyiv. Do ESC fans get oddly horny around the time of their favourite contest?

(Not like I should talk. Had I been in Istanbul last year I would be busy trying to arrange a threesome with Sakis Rouvas and Deen.)

Brief Movie Reviews

• Testosterone: Some people may rave about David Sutcliffe and his hairy chest. Some people may rave about seeing Antonio Sabato Jr's penis for a few seconds. Me, I found it mostly dull with fleeting moments of genuine suspense. Since I have never read the book (own it, never got around to it sadly) and now that I just found out that the movie omitted a HIV infection that would've made it EXTREMELY understandable as to why Dean acts bonkers as opposed to just an unhinged whiny man who you want to slap silly. The reworking is quite tragic when you realise some of the reasons why James Robert Baker committed suicide.
• Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason: Funny, cute, good, but there was no need. Look at the fight between Hugh Grant & Colin Firth which was basically an exact reproduction of their scene in the previous film. Whoever chose the music cues in that film, however, should be shot. I was so sick of hearing MOR Top 40 songs every five minutes by the end of the film. Thank goodness there is no chance for another one. "Like a version" indeed.

By the way, respect to Richard Roeper for his catty take on Ashton Kutcher's career: "His career peaked with Dude Where's My Car."

The Fabulous Life?

I hate working out on Saturdays--not just because I have to do it with Aron, but because the crowd is so remarkably different at the gym. On weekday mornings, the atmosphere is more focused and relaxed. People are there to lift weights, run on the treadmill, or do a stairclimbing machine. They do not have long, loud discussions about what bars they are going to "do tonight." They do not lift some tiny amount of weight, get the tiniest bit of sweat, and then stand and pose for two minutes.

Contrast that with the weekend morning crowd which is full of men and women (not many, but they are there) who are very clearly living beyond their minds in pursuit of some "fabulous" life that exists merely in their heads. (Many of the same people of all ages have that annoying nasal "valley girl" voice that seems to go all the way up and all the way down, but really just stays flat the whole time.)

At the same time, I think it just might not be me that is not getting it. I live a very structured life and I like it...for the most part. I know that five times a week I'd better be lifting some weights by at least 11 unless I'm physically ill. I know that if it's a Tuesday night and I'm not drinking then something is very wrong (and conversely, if it's a Friday night, then somebody must've invited me out or indeed something is very wrong). Perhaps in the midst of talking about minutiae the Fabulous have achieved some sort of zen-like state where inside they are very calm although they are extremely frantic on the exterior?

Then again, it could just be mortality creeping up on them.

If there's an underlying issue that you think I might be avoiding, you might indeed be right. Two years ago, I had two golf ball sized tumors removed from my chest. They were fortunately non-cancerous, but their effect on my psyche and self-image was quite lethal. Before they were removed, I spent years trying to hide myself because I felt like a genetic mistake. In many ways I felt like the Hunchback of Notre Dame: living a hermit's existance because of hatred (perceived or imagined) from the "normal world." The difference without them has been miraculous. I feel a little bit more bolder and a little less crippled by what I think others' think. (The truth is they aren't thinking about you.) Logic aside, I even feel like I am not the same person I was before.

I've also lost a lot of weight over the years and physically, that leaves you with a ring of excess skin around your stomach. I've debated many years over what to do about this. Many people say they don't notice it, but in many ways that's almost irrelevant, since I do. I've hoped that working out regularly would firm things up, but that seems to only go so far. Sometimes, I want to really tear my skin off and just be the literal person inside. Given the debacle over Rock DJ, that would not be such a wise idea, of course. So I'm going to be seeing a surgeon (the same one who operated on my chest) and see what can be done. What terrifies me is not the surgery per se, but what it might represent and my motivations for it. Am I doing this for the same ambiguous construct as the Fabulous? Am I really doing this to put an end to the old me who was clouded by such doubt?

I know I talk a good game, but this is one time where I will have to live with the results if I proceed.

Splash Post-Mortem April 19/20

Actually managed to get a seat at a bar where the go go boys weren't walking around thrusting their crotches in my face. So I was happy in that regard; however, I either was getting cruised or made a horrible faux-pas. I went to use the bathroom downstairs before I left. All of the stalls were empty, so I went to the stall/urinal thing they have opposite. I locked the door and began to relieve myself. Midway through, I see a guy poking his head between the partition to sneak a peek at me. Call me dense, but I couldn't quite tell if he was: a) cruising, b) kinky, c) shocked. I mention option c, because it is possible that I may have used something as a bathroom that clearly wasn't one. I doubt it, but life is that bizarre.

Do You Remember What Happened to Piedmont & PSA?

US Airways and America West are looking quite set to merge. In a way, it makes sense because they do not overlap each other for the most part: US Airways is big on the East Coast; America West is big in the Southwest. Yet, when Republic (remember them?) was cobbled together you had a big airline in the Great Lakes, and big airline in the South and that union didn't last too long before it was gobbled up by Northwest Orient.

If this merger happens and sets off a whole bunch of consolidation in the airline industry, then I pray they'll bring back regulation or even nationalisation. By the way, what is taking Continental, Delta, and Northwest so long to announce their inevitable merger? As much as I quite like Continental and Northwest (I've barely flown Delta, save for that ride at Walt Disney World), I really could see a merger between the three of them actually work.

Attention citizens of Las Vegas!

If you see a sparkling Swedish man who cannot pronounce the word "Mandalay," do not approach him. Do, however, throw any custard pies, smoothies, hot dogs, pizzas, and peanut butter & banana sandwiches in his face. If Stenchmark is so hellbent on channelling Elvis, then he can bloat up like him before May.

By the way, this new pope...kind of sucky.

Passing

I'm in danger of having an identity crisis. You see, I think I'm black/Choctaw/Irish, but apparently no one else seems to think so. In fact, many people think I'm Latino.

I have to admit that the dazed look that comes across my face whenever the temperature gets high (as it did this weekend) doesn't help matters much. I went to Blockbuster and the clerk greeted me in Spanish. All I could answer with was a simple "uh...?"(Humidity gets to me.) The same thing happened at McDonald's where again I was greeted in Spanish. At XES, I had a great conversation with a guy who grew up in Westchester and Puerto Rico. He then asked how I felt growing up Latino in Wisconsin.

I wonder sometimes if I should try to pass as Latino, but I think that passing in this day in age is unnecessary (or at least it should be). Then again, I realise that I have spent a lot of my life passing as different things: in my late teens, I claimed that I was bisexual because it seemed to be more acceptable than being full-out gay; I've passed as single when I wasn't; I've passed as being part of a couple when I wasn't; I still identify myself as a playwright even though I've had no productions outside of school.

What's odd is that I really am proud of myself and my components. I'm proud of being gay. I'm proud of my ethnicities. I'm proud that I do write even though I don't have any productions [yet]. I don't feel the need to assert any of these things on a daily basis. I express my pride in my sexuality at Pride. I express my pride in my ethnicities on St. Patrick's Day and MLK Day. I express my pride as a playwright whenever I finish a play and like the end result.

So let the rest of the world think what they will.

Martin's Stench still lingers: The Eurovision 2005 Preview Video Review (Final Version)

And we're back! This time with the countries that are lucky(?) enough to make it directly into the final. (And I am as happy as can be because this means fewer countries to write about.)

On with the proverbial show!

• Albania: First off, Ledina is pretty...very pretty, in fact. She is pretty even when dressed in her Playboy Bunny/Madonna-circa-1986 wedding dress/hooker wear. (Did Albanian TV get Britney Spears's lingerie-wedding dress from last year's MTV VMA?) I am also quite happy that Albanian TV shelled out the money for a new video (although her performance at the [unpronounceable and hard to write national final] was a camp spectacle). So the plot line with this video seems to be: Ledina is a bride having her "moment" before she gets married. What's she thinking? Well, going by the lyrics--because the video images don't always match them--she's doing the old "I'm not a girl anymore" idea. Lady, you are the Albanian Kim Cattrall. You're quite the voluptuous sex kitten, but no one is going to buy you as a "girl." One the whole, the video is technically good at making you interested in the song, BUT it also seems dated, like a Kylie Minogue video from 1991. A brief sidetrack here to talk about the new English version "Tomorrow I Go." It's not as good, which I can't say I'm surprised. For starters, Ledina is now singing the "di-di-dai" bits instead of the big deep voiced male choir. Now, she's got a pretty decent voice, Ledina, but without the big burly voices in the background the aggression/passion that was in the original version is now gone. All that being said, T&A will get you (and Albania) very far indeed.
• Bosnia-Herzegovina: Bosnian TV has had a good run with the preview videos over the past three years, and the one for "Call Me" is no exception. It starts out with a classic (that is to say 1950's or pre-colour 1960's) opening of "Bonsoir Europe" and then FLASH we see the perky Balkan blonde trio that is Feminnem. The idea here is basically an homage to ABBA and to Eurovision in general. We see Feminnem doing the famed profile shots from "Knowing Me, Knowing You;" Feminnem striking the similar pose as the album cover for "The Visitors;" Feminnem dancing in front of old ESC scoreboards (shout out to Dublin 1987). And you know what? It works. The English lyrics are essentially a naked plea to vote for them combined with the standard "united-by-song-aren't-we-happy" theme that pops up at least once every contest. Personally, I really was rather neutral on Feminnem winning the Bosnian final, but with this video I quite like them.
• Cyprus: He just so wants to either be or bed Sakis Rouvas, perhaps even both. "Ela Ela" may sound like the Cypriot version of "Rumpshaker" but the video is straight from the Disney book of PG rated sensuality. That is to say, you place a man in a tank top have him fling his arms about so as to show his biceps, armpits, and chest hair and voila thousands of 12-14 year old girls and gay boys lose their ever-loving minds. Not me. Constantinos, it is going to take a lot more than just dancing about in some warehouse-- snarling at the camera no less--to make me care about you, this song, and this video. I will concede however that you are one of the better-looking male singers this year. (So far that group includes Nuno, the lead singer from Caffe, and Omar Naber, who just barely makes it.) I'm beginning to think he only enters in years where he's certain to be in the most sexiest man of the contest group. (Think about it. 1996: The only male eye candy there; 2002: His sole competition (other than the rest of ONE) was Manuel Ortega and the dark-skinned guy from Prime Minister.)
• France: National Final performance. I know I should be miffed, because France Television generally comes up with some amazing preview videos when they don't have a national final. (The songs are a different matter entirely, because while Louisa had a very striking and moody video in 2003, the song was still bland.) However, "Chacun pense à soi" it such a great song, that it doesn't matter. Lyrically, it's ace and thank the lord, France has finally decided to show the rest of Europe that upbeat urban French music did not disappear with Marie-Line's abysmal (and undeserved) score back in 1998. Ortal, unlike Marie-Line, has charisma and charm by the bucketloads. (Hey, I liked Marie-Line but a bald black woman cannot pull off cute with sincerity.) She's sort of like a sexier version of Melanie Cohl, because frankly, this song is ten times more sophisticated. As intriguing as Ortal is, she does just barely manage to be upstaged by her backing singers in ponytails and newsboy caps (heretofore known as PnC). PnC are just plain cool with their "I can kill you" expressions on their face. I have a sneaking suspicion that PnC are also doing backup duties for Natalya, albeit with faux mohawks and no movement whatsoever. Two question linger: 1) Why would France Television allow those shots of the stone-faced fat lady (please tell me that is not Marie Myriam) in the preview?; 2) Why does Ortal extend the end of the song with the vocalising? It's kind of off-putting.
• Germany: Countdown Grand Prix performance, and thank god for that, because I hate that atrocious video that is trying to be East Village hip, but comes across as extremely calculated and dull. Gracia is also pretty. (Perhaps all the countries directly qualified into the final decided to add a "looks" requirement?) She also has got an annoying voice which makes me actually hate this song, and I love hard rock in Eurovision. When she sings "hide," it comes out as "hi-di-yi-de." I hate that. Nonetheless, since we're denied the vastly superior "Unschlagbar," I'd rather have "Run & Hide" than some cloying ballad performed by a cro-magnon or Enrico Ruggieri lookalike. By the way, Gracia looks like Mikalah Gordon all grown up.
• Greece: The land of She Who Will Not Be Named (SWWNBN), because I already get enough hits full of pervy people looking for her naked photos. Okay, is there some sort of desire amongst the Greeks to make Greece look like Miami? This video looks like some sort Expose hit from 1990. It's so pastel that my teeth hurt. SWWNBN is pretty impressive, I have to say. She manages to pull off some tricky dance moves without making one single expression whatsoever. Midway through watching it, I begin to think that I will be seeing this at Splash pretty soon. ("Opa Opa" is already in high rotation.) Why? This is basically SWWNBN and her pretty friends of both genders dancing and pouting. No image of who is causing SWWNBN to speak in adjectives. By the way, SWWNBN is either Ada Nicodemou or Ada Nicodemou doing alternate Gloria Estefan and Jennifer Lopez impressions. (That girl can dance as anyone who has seen Heartbreak High can attest to.)
• Malta: Let me start a campaign for changing the expression "like a Greek tragedy" to "like a Maltese tragedy," because that's just what Malta has sent from 1992 until now (1996 being a slight exception: unintentionally funny instead of tragic). Yet they keep on coming back, like weeds. Somehow the deranged Maltese entry each year manages to attract enough voters to keep them from relegation. (From the articles, it seemed like Malta was on the brink of civil war when Lynn failed miserably in 2003.) So this year's tragedy is an old one with a new song. Namely, Chiara (the old tragedy from 1998) with her new song "Angel." By the looks of the video, Chiara seems to have only made slight modifications in her outfit from back in Birmingham. Oh that says a lot about your confidence in this song, you're going to try to get people to vote for you just because you looked pretty back in 1998. Well lady, I didn't like your song then and I really don't like your song now. Anyway, despite being for a dire song, the video is pretty damn good. It's very reminiscent of the videos Ken Hirai has for his slow songs: lingering shots of people looking full of angst or deep in thought; landscapes; singer looking...well, angelic and all-knowing. Great video (although occasionally a bit too over-the-top with the symbolism), crap song that the Lloyd-Webber lot will just salivate over.
• Russia: National final performance, which I think is a real missed opportunity, because this is such a message song. Poland did an extremely stirring preview video in 2003 that featured crowds protesting for freedom in slow motion, which matched the exact sentiment of the song perfectly. Russia, however, sends a girl in wannabe East Village punk clothes and hair extensions to sing a grammatically incorrect song about violence in the US. How's that for mixed messages? "Yes, you've let violence run rampant in schools, terrorising a nation of children, but you still have great fashion sense." The problem, however, is that visually there really is no way to present this song in a believable way without dressing Natalya up in wannabe East Village gear. You wouldn't buy it if she was wearing a pantsuit or a sober dress. All that being said, Natalya sings the living daylights out of this song, with excellent "crazy moments." If there are dance mixes to this song, then taste and tact have truly left the building. (By the way, I stand corrected, the Russian PnC do move during the song. They step a little to left, bob their pompadoured heads, and step to the right.)
• Serbia & Montenegro: Or just Montenegro, although to be fair, "Lane Moje" was basically just representing Serbia. Speaking of said top 3 finisher, this song is extremely better than its predecessor, even though it is basically the same thing: a dramatic ballad. It starts out with these big booming drums, follows it upon with a violin, and then with the singing. And these pubescent lads are more interesting than the swarthy (but boring to watch) Žejlko. The video starts out with an enigmatic looking woman unraveling a ball of red yarn. What this has to do with anything I do not know, but I'm chalking it up to our old friend symbolism. I'm guessing it has to do with the myth that we are all connected by microscopic red string (cf. Urusei Yatsura Movie 4). If No Name and RTCG are trying to sell Montenegro (and I'm assuming it's Montenegro in the video), then they've succeeded. It's a very pretty country full of old churches, cobblestone streets, sunny beaches, and snowcapped valleys, sort of like Puerto Rico meets Switzerland. As for the song, it really is growing on me, with all the dramatic music and what have you. The lads are pretty decent singers, not spectacular, but they'll get the Balkan tween and angst-ridden queen votes.
• Spain: If I had known that Stenchmark was going to win MF, then I would've been slightly kinder to the hags. Well, the witches have added lots of guitar to the song which is nice and lessen the blow of hearing them sing at a million words a minute. Dear lord, they still look like trashy trophy wives! Is this the face that one of the premier Socialist governments in existence wants to show the world? Ay! Some improvement is made by having the hags grope assorted swarthy men in various states of undress (the men not the witches). Even with that, this video looks like the "let's learn Spanish" videos on Sesame Street. In this case, it's let's learn flamenco, because for the majority of the video, the witches are just flapping their skirts and stomachs like there is no tomorrow as is everybody else young and old. And guess what? Gravelly voiced (c)rapper is still in this damn song. This time he's jumping out of the crowd (I'm assuming they are there to stone these harlots not do a sing-along) and pointing at them as if to say "SINNERS," except he's probably lauding them. Why oh why does Spain have to be my "home" entry, so I have to hope for them to do well?
• Sweden: There are three entries this year I can't seem to shut up about on this blog: Russia, Spain, and Sweden. The first one is because it's a shame that poor grammar is ruining an excellent song. The last two are because they are dire songs that for some inexplicable reason beat out a vastly superior song ("Eres un infermo" for Spain and "Håll om mig" for Sweden). I would rather listen to "Brujería" for 3 hours straight than deal with 3 minutes of "Las Vegas." Nonetheless, Stenchmark is still the Swedish representative and I have to give Sweden some sort of review on their preview video. Geez, it's the Melodifestivalen performance again. Is SVT hard up? I have trouble believing that they are, but then again, Melodifestivalen might cost quite the pretty penny to produce. Since I've already written more about this song than I ever imagined I would have to, I'm not going to add anything. Okay, I tell a lie. For starters, Martin, it is MAN-DA-LAY Bay, not MANDELEE Bay. MAN-DA-LAY as in you were Christer Bjorkman's "man-to-lay" if you wanted to get the jury vote in your favour. Secondly, if you are trying to come across as butch and Tom Jones swarthy, do NOT wear some sparkling thing that dangles off your shoulder. It makes you look like Elton John. (Dear lord, I don't ask for much, but can you make Martin get a big fat zero points in Kyiv. I want to see the Swedish press lose their minds. You know they won't take it the same way the UK did. Thanks. --Hikaru. PS> I'll console Martin in my bed and give him some Cardigans songs to restart his career.)
• Turkey: I admit it, I have a dirty mind. The song is called "Rim Rimi Ley." Does that not scream out sex act to you? Who knew Turkey would have the double entendre song this year? Anyway, the video is basically the performance, primarily because it has been redone to the point that it is nearly unrecognisable to the happy-clappy ditty that "won" the Turkish national final. It's now very Bollywood, which in away, is somewhat appropriate for a Turkish entry. Gülseren has dropped the pantsuit for an outfit that makes her look like a mix between a demure Ruslana and SWWNBN. She makes a lot of hand gestures while assorted men (one of whom is wearing CORNROWS!) beat drums and spin around. My description doesn't quite do it justice, because Gülseren is laying on the charm pretty thick and it does say "vote for me," although not as blatantly as the Bosnian entry.
• Ukraine: I said it before, and I'll say it again. "Greenjolly" is a stupid name for a rap group, especially a political one. Can't you just translate "Public Enemy" into Ukrainian? It seems like you share the same goals. As I wrote earlier, this "song" is still a bit of a mess. It's got a great beat, and you start to like it, and then you have two men shouting at you in Ukrainian. I'll take the instrumental version, please. The video conversely, is pretty good. It's similar in vein to the aforementioned Polish preview video from 2003, except not as polished. (And quite honestly, if you're talking about "power to the people" you really don't want the Hollywood version.) I think they're going for some sort of agitprop theme here, because everybody has on these sad face masks that they rip off the second that the Jollys start yelling "Razom Nas Bahato" from what looks like a parade float or pickup truck. Then they start rapping in English. Oh yes, this will be another unintentionally comic moment. Not because they are grammatically incorrect, but their accent is just too funny. (I know I'm going to hell for writing that.) "WE ARE SCARED OF DEE GANS" indeed. It is kind of moving though, but then again, I'm a Socialist so images of people marching in the street saying "we're mad as hell and we're overthrowing you" get to me. (If this wins, then I will be truly surprised and hope that some pop song will overthrow the current US government.)
• United Kingdom: My unofficial "home" entry, since I was a legal UK resident until 2000. It's the Making Your Mind Up performance, which is a bit of a surprise, since normally the BBC has always plunked down the money for a video. I guess Javine wanted something pretty OTT, and not some little dinky thing that Jemini (we're dancing in front of a mirror, aren't we precious) and James Fox (Just me mates & I strumming our guitars, see) had. Ostentatious video dreams aside, Javine nonetheless performed the living daylights out of "Touch My Fire" at Making Your Mind Up. (If you are looking for that shot: visit World of Chig, I hope he doesn't kill me for linking him in this context.) Granted the song is Destiny's Child meets Bhangra, but it's still amazing. To be blunt, the best British entry since 1998.

Best video in the final? Bosnia-Herzegovina without a doubt. There would've been more of a competition if France and the UK actually tried to do a new video.

Most dire video is a bit tricky. I'm tempted to write Sweden, but since I exclude all national final preview videos, I have to give it to Cyprus. Albania is close second. (Again this is video not song, if it was song, Sweden would easily win "most dire.")

Yep, we're weird

Apparently the national press is getting a kick out of the proposed Wisconsin law to shoot stray cats. Here's where I come down on it. While I do remember seeing the occasional cat come a-wandering through our backyard when I was growing up and on times that I've visited, I never would consider it a problem or a plague. I mean, I saw more deer than I did cats! If it weren't for the fact that--at least in Mequon--it would be asking for unintentional [human] homicide to shoot deer in the suburbs, then I'd be all for hunting parties. Not for feral cats though.

Of course, what's omitted here is that Wisconsin as a whole is full of crazy people. Not just serial killers (Ed "the inspiration for Psycho" Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer to name a few), but just in general crazy people. These are the kind of people who think nothing of sticking a piece of styrofoam on their head that is shaped like a piece of cheese. This is the state that while it yielded Tammy Baldwin and that cute Log Cabin guy with the Norwegian name from up North, but also yielded Tommy Thompson and Joe McCarthy. We're passive-aggressively bitchy (as evidenced from the local and state elections--"I'm not saying X is a liar, but..."), but we're also pleasantly quirky. (An example: Milwaukee had absolutely no qualms hosting the US Communist Party National Convention in 2004.)

So yes, America, it is not bizarre that this stretch of land--a refuge for the outcasts from Minnesota and Illinois, if you will--would have a bill giving the right to hunt down feral cats. It will never in a million years pass, but they'll at least vote on it.

Beware the lookalikes: The Eurovision 2005 Preview Video Review (Semi Version)

Blogger is up and running now; Caroline in the City reruns are about to come on; and today is my gym-free day...what better time to start the bashing--I mean reviewing of the preview videos.

First off, I'm going to do this alphabetically as opposed to in running order for two reasons: 1) I reckon the preview videos are meant to stand alone and can't be interpreted by running order; 2) It's too tricky to jump around eurovision.tv trying to sort things out by which order the entries will appear next month.

Let's get cracking, shall we?

• Andorra: I'll say one thing. Andorra does know how to sell their country well. Who knew Andorra has traffic jams and snow-covered valleys in such a small country? Speaking of said traffic jams, Marie An (lady, your name is Marian or Marianne, don't act so posh) looks like she wants to get run over by a truck several times at the beginning. Yet the only collision that happens is when Marie An gets bumped by evil Marie An. (We know she's the evil one because she's wearing black and gives a sultry look.) The general theme of the video seems to be "good" Marie An goes chasing "evil" Marie An all through Andorra while wailing about "la mirada interior" but rarely ever mentioning said phrase. It's bland, and I find myself pondering how evil Marie An looks like Stevie Nicks, but good Marie An doesn't, even though they're the same person. By the way, I've seen the performance video, Marie An (again lady, who are you trying to fool?) better pull out something more impressive than yoga stretches to make this interesting in Kyiv.
• Austria: This is such an oddball entry, and it winds up being even more kookily charming with the faux vintage way the video is shot. According to Global Kryner (and what exactly is a "Kryner" anyway?) "Kyue-ba" (which while it is the way it's pronounced in German and in Cuba itself, still sounds a bit funny to my ears, but so does Kennedy's "cu-ber") is some far away place where sultry dark-skinned women in skimpy two piece dresses travel in 1960's era flying machines. Hmm? Well, Cubana does have a lot of aging Soviet-era aircraft. I'm still trying to figure out where I've seen the lead singer before. Kym Marsh from Hear'Say? Geri Halliwell?
• Belarus: Wow, I never knew how much I liked "Boys & Girls" until I saw the video for "Love Me Tonight." Angelica is so wrong for this song. In fact, I say Belarus and Russia should do a switch. Angelica can sing the earnest-despite-poor-grammar "Nobody Hurt No One" and Natalya can sing the shallow-with-not-as-bad-grammar "Love Me Tonight." Anyway the video is frankly cheap. Cheap like a midnight lounge act in a small town. Angelica, bereft of her Anna Oxa circa 1986 outfit, is dressed in red. Her all-female backing singers look like C-grade dominatrixes in their black PVC gear. Rounding out the crew is a male dancer who disappears for a majority of the song. My theory: the stage can only handle so many queens at one time. As much chaotic fun as it would be, Minsk 2006 ain't gonna happen, and neither will Angelica Agurbash threaten TRL
• Belgium: Another lookalike question now. Nuno is either: a) Young George Michael, b) Young Johnny Halladay, c) Sakis Rouvas doing his best impression of a Luso-Belgian. Either way, he's one of the relatively few handsome men this contest. The video I'm assuming is his performance at the TWO SONG Walloon "final." The song basically involves Nuno singing "ce soir" ad nauseum--just in case you didn't know what "grand" he's wailing about--with dramatic swells in music and lights ablazing. This would stir me if it was 1988 and I had experienced little thrills in life. As it's 2005 and I've subsequently gotten life, it's rather dull. I think this'll meet the same fate as Jonsi last year. Why? Because he doesn't MOVE. The whole time watching it, I'm thinking does "he have paralysis? Can he possibly be that nervous?" The boy can sing, but it's not that interesting to watch. Get back to me when the naked pictures come out. (I'm waiting for the "Nuno naked pictures" referrals.)
• Bulgaria: At least they added an "e" to "Lorrain" so that we won't think they're singing about a town in Ohio which really isn't that interesting enough to sing about in the first place. Yay! More totty. Specifically a soaking wet Eastern European man with boyish looks singing lead vocals. This is a Bel Ami video just screaming to be made. Well, I give Caffe's producers some credit, they've managed to make a bland jazz/soul ballad rather interesting albeit in a formulaic boyband way: We've got the rain; we've got the sultry woman in lingerie (this is Europe, not Kansas we can have PG-13 sexuality in pop videos); we've got the strobe lights; and we've got the old prop airplane and vintage car. They may fail miserably in Kyiv, but Caffe could easily be on the charts. By the way, this video is basically using nearly every attribute Take That did in "Babe" and "Why Can't I Wake Up With You?" Perhaps in 2015, Bulgaria will be doing knock-offs of Maroon 5 and Usher.
• Croatia: Again with the rain! Fortunately, we are spared the site of cheesecake images of Boris, because...uh, no-one wants to see that save for Croatia's goth community. So this video is basically Boris looking serious at scenes of nature a la Brad Pitt towards the end of Interview with A Vampire. The song and video are basically boring as hell, save for some fun bits with the scarily intense looking drummer and the bagpipe player and backing singers who are kept under glass. What that has to do with wolves dying alone, I have no idea. Unless the whole point of the song is Boris coming out as a werewolf, which I will not dispute at all. The video and song get all dramatic at the end, but No Name does this same schtick much better. Yet another lookalike question. Boris is either: a) Jimi Mistry or b) Stuart Townsend after a long fast.
• Denmark: Geez, Jakob's got an annoying singing voice. It's like Ronan Keating but even more nasal. The Danes apear to be ripping off Jonathan Cerada whose video last year featured ickle Jonathan walking through various rooms glancing at the Fellini-esque occupants. No such humour here. Jakob's a billy-no-mates and no-one wants to play with him. Well, there's a cute young Danish Amelie who might play, because she's about the only other person we see. I'm a tad bit confused on the story line here. If I'm reading this correctly, Jakob is stalking Danish Amelie. So when he's singing "I'm talking to you" and no one is around it has this extremely creepy voyeuristic quality. Was it really necessary to perform this in English, DR? Do you want to get a reputation as a country of grinning peeping toms?
• Estonia: Oh god this is bad. If Angelica was a cheap lounge act, Suntribe is a cheap high school talent show act. The girls are dressed up in tacky East Village wannabe gear. (Natalya is dressed the same way. Is this some sort of trend going through the former Soviet Union?) The idea for the video seems to be to throw a whole bunch of unrelated images together because that is how to best express "loud" and it's also cheap. So we are blessed/cursed with Suntribe working out, Suntribe in white dresses and big blonde wigs, Suntribe dressed like flappers, Suntribe in some dance club, Suntribe making faces. Unfortunately, Suntribe getting vocal lessons is omitted...probably because it didn't happen. Yep, Switzerland definitely got the better Estonian entry this year.
• Finland: It's Geir's performance from Euroviisut. Apologies for the bad pun here, but "why" would anyone vote for this? There must have been better songs and performances than some man just streching out his arms, and warbling about uninteresting things that make him ponder why. I say Finland should follow Switzerland's example and hijack some big pop star for the 2006 contest. In fact, why don't they just get Arja Saijonmaa?
• FYR Macedonia: The video is Martin's Skopjefest performance interspersed with the recording session. This song is basically Balkan cumbia and the video does nothing to make me think otherwise. We have scantily dressed female dancers shaking their moneymakers while Martin acts all horny teenager. It's actually rather funny, because Martin looks rather pudgy in his vest, backwards newsboy hat, and yellow shirt. He also can't dance to save his soul. Now if FYROM and Greece manage to bury the hatchet, then Sakis Rouvas can cross the border and show him how it's properly done. I really think Martin might be quite pudgy for real, because in the recording session bits, he looks a little bit tubby in his track suit. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with Martin being overweight (because I used to be overweight myself...hell, according to the USDA I'm still overweight), but the problem here is that he doesn't know how to move so that it doesn't look comical.
• Hungary: NOX says "Spin, World!" in Hungarian. I say "as you wish!" Now this is what a preview video should be like, fierce, attention-getting, and varied enough so that you get that "wow" factor. It starts out with a lone man doing a very acrobatic Hungarian-Irish jig for a few seconds, then BOOM loads of people doing another complex acrobatic jig accompanied by guitars. Now, I thought MTV didn't participate in Eurovision for all these years because they're skint. This video looks pretty high-class. Sort of like the Estonian video, everything but the kitchen sink seems to been thrown at this. The funny thing is that it works here. There's men doing whirling dervishes, some light sword fighting, fake snow, some Fiddler on the Roof-esque peasant women dance break. I may go so far as to say that the dancing here is more interesting to look at than Ruslana's whole "crack the whip, stomp in place" routine last year. We like this ve-e-e-ry much.
• Iceland: Selma is back and what has she brought or wrought on us? Comic violence, but it's cute comic violence. The premise is that Selma has got her bow and arrow [presumably for love not killing, but then again this country yielded Paul Oscar, Bjork, and Gus Gus so who knows?] and is aiming it at her big strapping Viking paramour with little success. Okay, now explain to me what all these shots of Selma going all Geri Halliwell in a dance club mean? As for the song, well, it's nice and upbeat; however, it does scream Geri Halliwell. That being said, I hope it does well and at least charts outside of Iceland.
• Ireland: You're A Star performance. First things first, it says something when the Hungarians can out-Irish the Irish in terms of dancing a jig. My lookalike detector goes haywire on the siblings McCaul. They are either: a) Kelly Osbourne & doomed American Idol 3 contestant John Stevens IV; or b) Chloe from Smallville with a dye-job & Zach-Dana from Desperate Housewives. Ok, on the positive side, it is great to see Ireland finally go upbeat, and "Love?" (with its odd question mark) has got a good beat to it. Also, these kids can sing, although Donna clearly overpowers ickle Joseph most of the time. Now to the downside: Joseph cannot dance. I mean it's hilarious to see him try to act all funky during the instrumental bits. Not to mention, he's got quite the lisp when he sings solo. Yet there's something here that just makes you want to say "aww, bless." Then there's the dance break. Usch. Why is it there? Is it really needed? Did they need to inject a jig and dosey-do? By the way, Joseph looks oh-so-cute and intimidated by the female dancer/drummer. Donna? She's having the time of her life. I just calls 'em likes I sees them.
• Israel: Kdam performance. Shiri looks quite pretty in her Mariah Carey knock-off dress. She also looks quite earnest, which is always a good thing when singing a ballad. All that being said, I judge all Israeli ballads against Rita's tour-de-force performance in Zagreb. In that respect, this comes up a bit short. It's like I'm waiting for Shiri to go all out and she just teases. When you have a power ballad and strong voice, you have to have your crazy moment. Just look at Anna Oxa and Mary J. Blige.
• Latvia: Yep, I still hate these two. They're getting even cockier these days with their boasting of having "the Olsen Brothers effect." It's like they are just egging me on with statements like that. Anyway, the video: extreme close-ups of Walters & Kazha and nothing else because their egos take up any remaining space. NEXT!
• Lithuania: National final performance. Laura sounds like Charleen (or is it Sharleen, I know the lady spells it some strange way) Spiteri from Texas. She looks like a fashion victim. Her hair is done in this schitzophrenic way that is part-up and part-down, and her dress is some weird leopard-print thing from Lithuanian Goodwill. As for "The [manufactured] Lovers" they are as anonymous as well...the rest of Texas. I sort of like this song, but there really isn't anything spectacular about it, and I'm still peeved about Saules Kilosas not winning yet.
• Moldova: Bascially it's Zdob si Zdub performing on a stage. No more no less. Quite a shame really, because a song with these kind of lyrics is just screaming for a madcap video with a plotline. The Moldovan boys in the band nonetheless do their best to provide some sort of zany quality to the song. Eh. I wish them well, but their performance better be a little more memorable come May. Still love the lyrics.
• Monaco: Another ripoff/homage to one of last year's entries. In this particular case, the Monagasques are taking their cues from Cyprus's whole "little girl in a big world" theme. We see Lise dramatically lit up in silhouette. She then sings earnestly and dramatically while the unseen Monaco Philharmonic pulls out all the stops musically. Lise bares a slight resemblance to Britney Spears, but comes across as much more wholesome. There's an occasional shot of some mysterious man, which makes no sense since it's not the late Prince Rainier. Not too shabby, even though musically I liked last year's entry better.
• Netherlands: Nationaal Songfestival performance. I would like this song so much better if there wasn't that stupid spoken bit at the beginning. Seriously Glennis, we know you had a dream! You're going to be singing about it for the next three minutes, and seconds are precious, m'dear. Glennis looks like a classy Melanie B in her sparkling white dress and her performance is for the msot part classy and simple, even when she has her crazy moment.
• Norway: Norwegian MGP performance for the most part [with bits of "life as a rock star"mixed in]. Ok, why are all these big broadcasters wimping out of doing proper videos? I mean Albania, Austria, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Bulgaria, Hungary, and Spain shelled out money for videos and NRK won't shell out for a completely new video? Anyway, if you've already heard the song and wondered if Wig Wam are just as over-the-top live, the answer is a resounding yes. This band is like the camp offspring of Kiss and Queen, made all the more interesting by the fact that the lead singer looks extremely like Marilyn Manson. In short, they rock both literally and figuratively and I love them for it. I dare say that Norway might very well go on and win it, just because of the trend of Norwegian wins in 1985 and 1995. Besides, any man daring enough to wear a sparkling silver jumpsuit in 2005 deserves some kind of reward.
• Poland: Lots of drinking and lots of "lai-lai-lai-laaai." Orange shirted Ivan or Delfin sings dramatically in close up while some sort of gypsy woman or fortune teller accosts him. He is surprsingly not angry, I know I would be is somebody bothered me while I'm trying to get hammered. I admit that I am far from well-versed in how Polish folk music is performed, but Orange Shirt seems to be way too dramatic what sounds to me like a simple happy-clappy folk song. Frankly [Orange Shirt] I do not want to see your tonsils when you sing, and those fists you make are unintentionally hilarious.
• Portugal: It's an advert for Portugese Club 18-30! It's a performance on Portugese Top of the Pops! It's extreme close-ups of two Portugese talent show contestants! It's all of the above. I quite like this, although in the interest of being fair, I generally like the Portugese entries because they are always such underdogs. This year, I'm not too certain if they are that much of an underdog because the song and the performers do have a certain x-factor to them. Unfortunately, the lyrics are an unintentional laugh riot: "Happy pretty way, Happy shiny day, Happy place to stay: We can hold it together." Where did they come up with this? Sesame Street? It gets even stranger: "Pretty people shining, a pretty place to stay, brand new kind of face: I love you anyway." Huh? What are they saying here? Go to Portugal for a holiday affair with an indifferent and shallow Lusitianian? I hope this is meant as some sort of absurdist joke, because if it's not Portugal needs to import some English teachers pronto.
• Romania: Ooh, bare cliffs and desert. I don't think we're in Bucharest anymore. Sultry looking Lene-from-Aqua lookalike and a bunch of men looking angry at white painted drums/tin cans. Perhaps the Romanians are providing the unofficial Danish entry? The whole video looks like some sort of collaboration between Lene and Safri Duo. It's extremely better than the chaotic performance at the national final in which Luminita basically belted and tried to stay as far away from the psychotic drummers of Sistem. I would not be surprised to see this creep its way into dance clubs and video bars.
• Slovenia: Going shirtless with Peter Poles saved you, Omar. It saved you big time. As did ditching the soprano and reshaping yourself as Slovenia's answer to Robbie Williams. Now, your video. Ok...there's a ballerina tiptoeing through water; there's a huge moon; and there's Omar thrashing around in the water with his shirt open. This makes no sense to me. It's all nice to look at and it's nice to listen to since it's been turned into a full-out rock ballad, but still...huh?
• Switzerland: Live performance, since Switzerland had no national final to speak of. Again, I have to wonder "why can't Swiss television plop down the money for a proper video?" Seriously, Switzerland is one of the wealthiest countries on the planet and even moreso they basically shanghaied an Estonian all-girl rock band to represent them at Eurovision. It's just plain courtesy to give them a video. Anyway, the girls of Vanilla Ninja perform the living daylights out of "Cool Vibes" and its strange lyrics. (That seems to be the theme this year: bizarre English lyrics. Belarus and Russia are full of grammatical errors, and Switzerland is grammatically correct but absolutely nobody says anything like: "Stay close to me, infinity. Enigma’s what we share, but I don’t care, you`ll be there.") That being said, the girls do an excellent job of communicating the angst that I believe this song is about. Think of them as being Wig Wam's serious and subdued sisters.

So who gets my vote for best video [not necessarily song per se] in the semi-final? I'd say it's a four-way race between Austria, Bulgaria, Hungary, and Monaco. One's delightfully bizarre and loopy, one is basically a porn film, another one is a serious rock-your-senses performance, and the other manages to be quite poignant without overdoing it.

As for most dire: It's also a four-way-tie between Belarus, Denmark, Estonia, and Latvia. One is a cheap lounge act, one is unintentionally disturbing, one is a cheap high school act, and one is full of nothing but a pair of egomaniacal rentboys strumming their guitars.

More inexplicable crushes

Mikhail Khodorkovsky: For the most part I despise Russia's oligarchs, and based on the scant information that I know, I'm supporting the Russian Government's case against Yukos, but despite all that...I find Khodorkovsky extremely handsome.


John Thune: He most likely stole Daschle's US Senate seat through underhanded tactics. I really can't stand the man, yet I'd sleep with him with the hope that he'd switch to SP-USA post-coital.

The ESC obsession reawakes (a bit)

Not much has been mentioned on this blog about Eurovision in the past couple of days...(ok, hours); however, I am planning on ripping into the preview videos shortly. Stenchmark (tm Keith) and his crew better beware, because even if SVT plans on doing the same thing that did with Lena Ph last year by showing his MF (hee hee) performance I'm still going to rip that performance to shreads.

In other news of things Eurofestival-ly:

• Portugal's song "Amar" performed by "2B" is not that bad. It's got an odd overuse of the word "shiny" which in a way seems vaguely appropriate since 2B are talent show participants and as everyone knows you have to be the definition of REM's "Shiny Happy People" to get far in that game.
• Bosnia-Herzegovina's entry has been translated into English under the title "Call me," with tongue-in-cheek Eurovision related lyrics. The video is hilarious with lots of ABBA references and spoofs. I'm beginning to like the Bosnian entries if they stay like this: Deen and his straight (haha) from Queer As Folk go-go boy on speed in 2004, and now three kitschy blonde girls flat out singing for you to vote for them in 2005. Perhaps in 2006 RTVBiH will send Mija Martina and Tinka dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes accompanied by the top 4 Bosnian bodybuilders?
• French entry rules. It just does. The song has excellent and original lyrics and Ortal's performance is like a toned down version of Nina Morato in 1994. (If I ever wind up being an ESC entrant, Nina Morato is my template. Anybody who can make intentional screeching work in a song is an automatic winner for me.)
• "Nobody Hurt No One" is written by an Anglophone, a Finn, and a Russian living in Germany. It's a shame that the Anglophone (and I'm assuming from her name and bio that someone with the name Mary Applegate is an anglophone) could not change the lyrics so that the very earnest sentiment of a very serious song becomes unintentionally laughable due to poor grammar.
• No studio version of Ireland's entry "Love?" yet. (And why the question mark? When Turkey had "Sev!" in 1995, they added an exclamation point.) Not to stir the pot, but doesn't that seem to say something?
• I'm still getting referrals from people searching for naked pictures of Elena Paparizou. Do your parents know about your dirty minds?

To quote a much over-used expression on Datalounge: "There, I said it."

See if you're so chirpy a year later

Whole Foods is coming to Milwaukee. On one hand, opening it up on the East Side is a very appropriate match. On the other hand, I wonder if all the shoppers and boosters will be so positive when it takes hours to get to the check out with your overpriced organic gruel.

The Cult of Desperate Housewives and its casualties

First and foremost, I have to say I love Desperate Housewives. (Yes, I mean love and not like.) It has great writing, a delightful camp sensibility (courtesy of Marc Cherry who is gay, and a Log Cabin member...but I can look past that for purposes of this post), and very talented cast.

My problem with the show is that it seems to have taken over every single bar in Chelsea. Tonight, I was looking for a place where I could have a drink or two for a bit before coming back to the apartment for a night. I wind up choosing XES, because: a) Splash is 18+ (I'm getting old, people, I don't want a bunch of fresh-out-of-the-closet NYU students reminding me of this fact) and showing Desperate Housewives; b) The View is showing Desperate Housewives; and c) XES is really close by.

Guess what? XES starts showing Desperate Housewives. No notice on the front door, no fanfare, just BAM 9 PM the show is on. I am pissed, because when I go out, I do not want to watch a TV show that I could easily (and probably will) watch at home. I'm also irked because prior to this I had been in the middle of a nice conversation with this guy who is a minority from the lilly-white suburbs like I am. This guy has never seen the show, so I wind up running commentary for him in order to catch him up. (He liked it.)

What was really strange about the show coming on, is that the whole bar fell silent. I mean, dead silent, not a single non-television based noise was coming out of anyone or anything. It was bizarre and a little bit "pod people" like. This begs the question to anyone out there who would know: Was it like this in 1980's with Dynasty or even in the 1990's with Melrose Place?

Inquiring minds ponder.

Gli Plastiques Hikaru

Now available from DBCP Records the debut selt titled album from the new band that is racing up the charts: Gli Plastiques Hikaru!

Featuring the hits:

• Martin Stenmarck won Melodifestivalen because he slept with Christer Bjorkman (and we all know it)
• The Only W I Like is a Hotel
• They Built A Stadium and Pissed Off Hell's Kitchen
• Hey hey DeLay (Send Some Junkets My Way)
• Bozo the Clown is better than the Closet Case Mayor We Have Now
• Dammi Mia Lingua Nazionale nell'Eurofestival
• Ge Mig some Swedish Social Services
• I'll Stop Smoking When You Stop Driving Your SUV

Get all 15 songs for a three easy payments of $15.99!*

*Residents of Ohio, Indiana, Iowa, North Dakota, South Dakota, Montana, Nevada, Alaska, Italy (except Puglia), Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida (except Fort Lauderdale and Miami Beach), Missouri (except Kansas City), Nebraska, Kansas (except Lawrence), Oklahoma, Texas (except Austin and Houston), Utah, Alberta (unless you voted NDP), and France (if you voted for Le Pen) must include 19% sales tax with each payment. Why? Just because.

Slightly Evil Things I Have Done

I'm going to try to keep this blog from becoming "true confessions," but a conversation I had today at lunch with an extremely handsome man caused me to mention several of the huge lies I have perpetrated on unsuspecting people. (Listen, who doesn't babble nonsensically in front of a good looking guy?)

• On a flight from Milwaukee to New York I told a very stereotypical Wisconsin woman (clearly going on vacation) that I was Anderson Cooper's husband. Not boyfriend, but husband. She bought it, but in order to keep her in the dark I had to sneak my way around baggage claim.
• In Palm Springs, a good looking guy (from Minnesota no less, and heretofore referred to as "R") & I started flirting at a bar. We then went off to one bar where I played eye candy to impress his friends. (I did this knowingly and got a perverse thrill out of it. I believe I was a geisha in a prior life.) We then went to a leather/cruise bar (not my thing, but I was on vacation and am always seeking out opportunities to try something new) where some other man remarked how good R & I looked together. I grabbed R's arm and mentioned that we were newlyweds. The guy bought it, which was quite remarkable considering that I added on the fact that we had been together for 10 years, which means that R started dating me when I was 15 and he was in his late thirties.
• I told a slightly off man in a bookstore in Milwaukee that I was part Tahitian and part Russian and distantly related to Marlon Brando.
• I seriously considered going into prostitution while in college. A straight male friend of mine was going to service female clients and I would take the males. (It was going to be a cartel like operation.) The charge: 50 pounds, roughly $100.
• While in college in Boston I routinely gave incorrect directions to tourists, frequently sending them into the sleazier parts of Chinatown or Dorchester.
• To this day when tourists irk me, I send them to Staten Island or Morrisiana in The Bronx. (Not a slight, it's just that those aren't tourist locales.) You'd be surprised how some people actually believe me when I tell them that the Empire State Building is in Grant City.
• "Oh yes, I just enjoyed bottoming for you." (Usually followed by a quick escape out of their apartment.)
• At some internships, I have acted like a dumb spoiled slut so that everybody pities me and I don't have to do any work.

That's all the disclosure for today. Now you naughty Europeans can continue your search for naked Helena Paparizou pictures and praying at the altar of Cameron Cartio.

RIP Saul Bellow and best wishes for Peter Jennings as he fights against lung cancer. (His statement about his condition at the end of tonight's World News Tonight was moving in a very subtle but profound way.)

The weird referrals sent to this site

I'll be honest with you, I'm pissed. The MTA board unanimously accepted the Jets bid. (However, the silver lining is that there will be so many lawsuits and challenges plus NY State Environmental Agency inquires that there's a good chance that the Jets will have to go elsewhere and the stadium will stand no chance of being built for this mythical New York 2012 Olympics.)

So to keep myself from going stir crazy I'm going to take a page from Famous Author Rob Byrnes's blog TRL and cite some of the referrals I've been getting recently. (Even though I've never met him, reading Rob's blog inspired me to get off my duff and get into this game. You're great Rob and I'm anxious to read your next book.)

• "Cameron Cartio" (There's a ton of people who Googled him and stumbled across this site. I have no idea why. They don't stay for long perhaps because they read exactly what I wrote about Herr Cartio. That being said, I'd really love to hear/see what attracts people to he of the fake language MF entry. Unless there's a porn tape of him and Martin Stenmarck getting to know each other better.) Which brings us to...
• "Martin Stenmarck lyrics" (I guess I scared off those people as well since my hatred of Martin's daft song knows no limits. Again, I like Martin, but I despise his song. If he did "Naked Boys Singing" in Stockholm, I'd be all for it.) Speaking of nakedness...
• "sex tape of Ruslana" (Some horny Austrian apparently likes the leather clad winner of ESC 2004.)
• "Kevin Federline paunch" (Sigh...Sweet memories of Spanish Kevin Federline from A-Crew. I now get why all those people have a lust-filled crush on him.)
• "tourada lyrics" (I don't know who in Sweden googled this, but I want to meet you and have your children. Unless you were looking for the lyrics because you think Fernando is so dreamy.)
• "Ninth Avenue Saloon" (Joe, is that you?)

I'll close this with a quite spot-on quote by W.H. Auden that I saw on the Madison Avenue Baptist Church today. (I tell you these Northern Baptists are totally different creatures than their Southern counterparts.)

"Love your crooked neighbour with your crooked heart."

Amen.