Norske Melodi Grand Prix 2006 The Final: Norway In Norwegian Language Shocker

Since it's a special night, there's no schoolmarm from Minnesota announcing tonight's programming. Instead, it's a perky middle-aged blonde woman. Fancy.

Deep voiced man welcomes us to Oslo and the ENORMOUS Spektrum.

Sti comes out and he's wearing a white scarf and looking like a Norwegian Amadeus. Syn is in white and acting like Evita, but looking like a refugee from a Jane Austen novel. This woman must be something else in Norway, because the crowd loses it when she enters.

• Trine Rein - Here for the show

Trine's hair is bigger and her screaming is a little more restrained, but the song...still sucky. She sings "you're my crowd, and you make me pro-o-o-ud." I'm glad I'm not in that crowd.

• Hans-Petter Moen & Kim Arne Hagen - I hear music

Sti says something about '"two men and a guitar," which steels me for the inanity about to reach my ears. NRK's stream keeps on buffering, which I'm taking as a sign that NRK isn't that keen on them either. Actually, the stream itself may not be keen on any of them based on what these qualifiers have been like. Yep, just like thought, this is stupid. Two middle aged men carping on about how "life is a song, so sing along." If I was 8 years old, this might grab my attention, but I suspect even some "barn" are busy shaking their heads in disbelief. The few seconds I got from the stream were definitely enough.

• Tor Endersen - Dreaming of a New Tomorrow

I know he's supposed to be solemn and all that, but couldn't Tor put on something flashier than a blue shirt and grey jacket? He looks like a car salesman after work. Anyway, Tor starts singing his ballad (Lou Rawls shakes his head up in heaven and thinks "I could've torn this up without breaking a sweat.") I actually have to say, I don't really loathe this song, except that it's mawkish as hell and ridicuously dated. It's like Tor just stop believing that time marched on after 1991. Thank god for the stream cutting out after the first few bars.

• Queentastic - Absolutely Fabulous

Priscilla lives! The first actually interesting song of the evening. Now this is dated as well, but it's upbeat and not mawkish, so I don't care. Queentastic manage the not-too-difficult feat of sounding and looking better than Sestre. And what are they like? Well, what would you think a duo called Queentastic would be like? Two drag queens in Moulin Rouge attire name check clothing lines. The girls get a huge response from the crowd. Sti & Syn are overwhelmed. This is a good sign.

• Birgitte Einarsen - Saturday

One dance song followed by another. I'm not complaining since I like both of them. Sti & Syn make note that Birgitte got through via the second chance round. Why? I do not know. She's there, who cares how she got there. Birgitte is still in her kimono outfit, and still performs admirably. She needs to get a handle on her swaying since it makes her look spastic.

• Christine Guldbrandsen - Alvedansen

Christine is still pretty as an angel. The postcard makes her out to be the beloved of all Norwegian people from young to old. That said, she's a little tenuous at first, and her voice isn't as strong as it was several weeks ago. Nonetheless, she knows how to play to the camera. Good for her. The crowd gives her a good cheer, not as much as the reaction for Queentastic mind you.

• Veronica Akselsen - Like A Wind

Since I do not care one shread for this song, I take this time to fiddle around with the stream. When I'm finished, Veronica is nasaly singing her way through this ballad. I can't tell if she's trying to make it country or not. It's not worth using brain cells to ponder this for much more than a second.

• Geir Rønning & Jorun Erdal - Lost and Found

How did the no-hopers cabal wind up with this cushy slot? Sti makes some joke about West Side Story and crowd laughs heartedly. New Yorker is very confused and perplexed. (A sidenote: The Estonian Eurolaul is going on right now, and I suspect that had they organised a webcast, the player wouldn't be buffering like a madman.) Anyway, Geir & Jorun sing and go grammatically all over the place with their "search for lost and found." They could not pick a pair that looks less like Bonnie & Clyde than these two, I tell you. Although Queentastic's song is also of Swedish origin, this song is as Swedish as driving to IKEA in a Saab with a St. Lucia's crown. By the way, Geir looks like a used car salesman singing karaoke.

And it's review time! In summary: Everybody is dire except for Queentastic, Birgitte, and Christine. As I see it, a woman (although not necessarily a biological woman) is going to win this. That's as far as I'm going to go with the prognosticating.

The interval is Wig Wam, of course. Unlike the Slovenes who relegated Omar Naber to announcing the winner and homoerotically hugging Slo-Nick, Wig Wam is given a flaming show. I mean that in the good way, naturally. The lead singer has managed to get his accent in check so that he sings "love is all over me," instead of "love-ist all ovah me."

Ah Wig Wam, you weren't a bunch of Estonian Lindsay Lohan clones, but you weren't half bad.

They perform another song and frankly, I don't see or hear anything different from a 1986 Def Leopard concert, except that these lads look rougher than they did last year. Like too much beer, pizza, and cocaine rough. It works for them.

Back to green room (once the stream starts up again), where Syn interviews Veronica, who is proving herself to come across as a giggling idiot. I sense that even Syn, Miss Whacked Out 2006 herself, is thinking "when do I get to stop talking to this fool?"

Syn does a countdown that I'm assuming is a sign that the lines are closed. This is followed up with "Boogie Wonderland," and I wish someone would explain to me the connection the Scandinavian countries have with 1970's disco and Eurovision national finals.

Anyway, a man is brought onstage and I'm guessing it's because he's got the results. The stream gets really spotty at this point, so I am truly going to grasp at straws here. Or maybe not. I'm thinking they're going for the "superfinal" approach, because the aging children's show singers are back onscreen telling us that they hear music and there are numbers below for voting. Perhaps this means that Trine has been knocked out! Hahahaha.

Christine is brought back. Yikes, I guess that means that Queentastic and Birgitte have also been knocked out. On the upside, this probably also means that Tor has also gotten the boot. Therefore, the third slot must be going to either Veronica (please lord, no) or the no-hopers cabal (ditto). Christine, girl you had better sing like you have never sung before!

And the third slot goes to the no-hopers cabal. Thank god for the stream cutting in and out so that I don't have to hear them in full yet again.

So there are your choices, Norge: The daft children's show performers, Miss Angel of Norway, and the no-hopers. I'm hoping the beauty pageant queen beats the other 4 soundly.

On the upside, 2 of the 3 superfinalists are at least all Norwegian efforts.

Wait a second, there's a fourth slot and Queentastic gets it! There is hope. Of course, this now makes the superfinal half-Norwegian and half-Swedish. Nonetheless, this is at least a better Swedish entry than the no-hopers cabal.

All you Norwegian queens better vote your fingers off for these two or Christine.

Queentastic are breathy, but they certainly make up for it with energy and enthusiasm.

Review time again. This time only half of the songs are horrid. The other two are vastly better. Do I need to say which is which at this point?

A tech sidenote: In order to finally get the stream to last more than a minute, I have switched from 241 kbps to 36 kbps. This actually is not that bad, I have to say.

Interval #2: It's a Eurovision anthem medley as performed by perky blondes and brunettes. Well, we are in Norway and Sweden is only a stone's throw away. Sti & Syn said who they were, but I didn't catch who they were, so I'm calling them Norske Alcazar. It's all the standards you'd expect, including "Diva" performed as a group piece. Who would've thought that "Every Way That I Can" has already reached the level of standards? Likewise "Wild Dances?" By the way, it is very bizarre to hear a man sing that song. Good lord, they are now singing "My Number One," with a male lead. I'm taking this as a sign that Queentastic is going to take this.

Sti & Syn bring out a man with the results again. This time to the tune of "He's the greatest dancer." Oh yes, that is what they played. They give him the title of "the undefeated champ of Norwegian Melodi Grand Prix." Uh huh.

And here come the results.

I won't attmept to explain how she won, but Christine basically wins it despite very strong showings by the children's show duo and Queentastic. There's some booing from the crowd, but it looked like it was a hard fought and well-deserved vote. To her credit, Christine looked calm and collected throughout the results while the children's show duo basically lost it, especially the one in the cardigan who--well I'll be honest here--queened out more than Queentastic.

To be honest, I'm very happy with this result. Queentastic would've been a good winner, but at least Norway is showing that they aren't afraid of actually singing in Norwegian. It also helps that Christine sings superbly and that this is actually that rarest of things: a good ballad. Interestingly, Christine's voice is noticeably better this time around.

I think Norway might stay in the final for 2007 with this, though they had better not translate it otherwise it will not stand out at all. Not to mention, Ireland will probably get Brian Kennedy singing the same thing in English.

Norske Melodi Grand Prix 2006 Second Chance Round: Quick and Dirty

Technically this was the actual semi-final (with all the previous rounds being qualifiers), but it's February and I'm cutting myself some slack this month.

I didn't see the whole thing, but just the tail end. After some snooping around, here are two songs that made it:

• Brigitte Einarsen: Saturday
• Veronica Akselsen: Like A Wind

So a happy dance tune and a crappy ballad, both of which were performed last week.

What. A. Shock.

Hopefully, the latter will fall on its face (along with Tor Endersen's dirge and the no-hopers cabal of Geir & Jorun) tomorrow. I also hope that the hackneyed "Here for the show" will be shown how weak it is, because as I see it, the song just squeezed in due to the extra performance.

Then again, this is the land of Jahn Teigen.

At this point, Queentastic or Brigitte had better win this.

Could Somebody Please Say "No?"

It's a rainy Friday morning and quite honestly the last thing I want to see is a bunch of frumpy heterosexual couples on the Today show getting engaged.

First off, let's just delve into the hypocrisy at work here. Gay couples can get married in Massachusetts (possibly even Maryland soon enough) and "civil unioned" in Connecticut and Vermont so you could at least include some. Don't give me that nonsense about a "makeover" ruse, because as many television shows before you have proven, men get makeovers as well.

Secondly, (and this pales in comparison to the first point) why don't any of these women say "no?" Odds are that somebody doesn't want to get married, so how come it's never shown on any of these live programs? I want to see some dejection and rejection! Not everybody wants to get married. Ask Joy Behar and several of the women in my family.

Finally, why on Earth do the men have to be the ones who propose all the time? It's the 21st Century, haven't gender relations progressed to the point where it doesn't matter who proposes?

At least Mother Nature agrees with me at the relative inanity of this whole Sweeps stunt.

If I Was A QTN Network Executive

...I would figure out ahead of time about how to handle live programming--without having to lay off all the 1099 workers for a fortnight.

You people still owe me a show.

Thursday Jukebox Hears Loneliness in Capitalism and Sounds in Necklaces

Before I start off this week's jukebox, I'm just going to rant a bit at the pocket queen in the jockstrap who blocked me from my locker today.

1. If your gym accoutrements take up 75% of the bench, then you are clearly taking too much with you.
2. Don't look at me with some snide look because I said "excuse me" in a soft voice.
3. I can squash you without breaking a sweat.
4. Outside of pornography and late night workouts, I doubt that you'll pick up Mr. Right Now in a flimsy jockstrap.

That is all, reckon I. On with the show.

First off is Justyna Steczkowska's "Sama" from Dublin 1995. It may not seem easily apparent, but a reading of the lyrics are a comment on capitalist excess and the isolation that it brings out in the ordinary person. As you can probably guess, this is an anthem in my home, and yes, I like it even down to the screeching she does towards end. (You've got to have serious pipes to pull that off.)

Finally, Maarja-Liis Ilus & Ivo Linna perform "Kaelakee Hääl" at Oslo 1996. The title translates as "the sound of a necklace," which really makes no sense, especially since the sole necklace on display could barely register any sound whatsoever.

Now this is a duet between a teenage girl and a man old enough to be her grandfather.

And they are singing about longing for one another. And wanting to kiss.

I don't want to but a certain indelicate spin on this, but...well...ew.

Several funny things to point out in this one:

• The Estonian David Hyde Pierce clone on keyboards.
• Maarja's sudden decision to start singing with her teeth together during the bridge.
• They never seem to make any eye contact at all, as if they know that there's a squicky subtext to this song and really just want to get through with it.
• Maarja tries to turn this is into a soul song with her bopping, but it's just not going to happen.

They Had Better Be Snowy

According to some archaic but fun tradition involving a groundhog in Northern Pennsylvania, we've got 6 more weeks of winter. First off, I have to say that those men in top hats take their damn time in actually saying anything. Secondly, as Jodi Applegate rightfully pointed out, "when have you ever heard of winter ending early in Northern Pennsylvania?"

And then there were the countless jokes one can make about Mike Woods and "Goobler's Knob," but they didn't and I have to just entertain myself with them.

Splash-Stonewall-XL Post-Mortem: Certain Things I'd Like to Forget

Warning: This is going to be graphic.

Let me start this out by saying what literally happened this morning:

I woke up in a pool of my own vomit.

I don't know how this happened, because normally vomiting is such an unpleasant experience that I would assume that I would be awake and aware that I need to be in the bathroom. Not to mention that since I can only assume that I did this in my sleep, that it is a wonder that I'm still alive and not dead...having choked on my own bile.

The funny thing is that this was supposed to be a light night. Just a few drinks to get me out of the apartment while The State of the Union address was on. I even remember how many I had: 4 Coronas at Splash, a White Russian and a Black Russian at The Stonewall, a Corona and 2 "X-rated coolers" at XL. Finishing that all off with some cheese fries.

Using my amateur sleuthing skills (which are minor), I can come up with only a few theories:

1. It was the Russians.
2. It was the cheese fries.

Considering that the taste is still in my mouth, I'm leaning towards #2.

I've never said that it was pretty being me.

By the way, Splash had a video montage of Brokeback Mountain with Lyle Lovett's cover of "Stand By Your Man." I don't know what to make out of that.

Now This Is What I Mean By Avantgarde!

(in respect to EMA entries)

This is Jadranka Juras performing "Anima" at EMA 2005. Alas, she was screwed over in the voting.

Making Sense of Dreams

Assume that dreams are basically the unconscious mind's way of interpreting reality.

What does dreaming that one is the male spouse of an anchorman in the throes of a tempestuous marriage mean? And when all of a sudden one finds himself dreaming that he's a co-producer of a BMX bike road show? Not to even mention the quick transition into 1980's rock ballad singer.

Feel free to post your own in the comments section.

And It's Starting Again

Sometimes I wonder about Eurovision fans. I think we're a fun, caustic group, but there's some serious naivete going on. Case in point: I'm already getting referrals for Slo-Nick's naked photos.

Listen, the lad's cute and vastly improved from his Clay Aiken days, but seriously, I don't think any naked photos are going to surface. Follow Dr. Ruth's advice and use the biggest sexual organ you have--the one above the belt.

EMA 2006 Review: Camp Slovenia

I know I had previously stated I was a going to do a full review of this year’s EMA, but I am truly EMA-ed out, so how about a partial review?

This year the hosts are two men I’m calling Jan and Aljo. Jan’s drag outfit makes him look like a low-rent version of Bette Davis in All About Eve. Aljo is dressed like a refugee from a Dickens novel. One of the benefits of watching this on archive is that I get to skip over their painfully unfunny shtick. I get it, you’re doing Slovenia’s version of Keeping Up Appearances. Just get on with it.

Frankly, I want Peter Poleš back, because…well, he reminds me of Ryan Reynolds: funny and sexy simultaneously.

Anyway, onto the songs.

• Nuška Drašcek – Nora sem, da te ljubim

Short-haired woman in a dress that is partly secretarial, partly couture sings a midtempo pop song. EMA is notorious for having mediocre songs in the opening slot and this is no different. (The last rousing opener I can remember was Tinkara Kovac back in 2001.)

• Natalija Verboten – SOS

Oh boy, this is…um…dire. I’m thinking that the subtitle for this year’s EMA is Camp Slovenia, because between Margo and Tom Brown doing the presenting and the entries, the camp factor is astronomic. So, Natalija (who really should win one of these days just because of her surname) is wearing a Mad Hatter’s Hat and coat. She is joined by multi-coloured backing singers and a man on rollerblades. The overall effect is “Brazilian Children’s Show on Acid,” especially since the set this year incorporates two huge white sculptures that look like drops of semen. The chirpiness of “SOS” doesn’t change this one iota.

• Rebeka Dremelj & Domen Kumer – Noro se ujameva

More chirpiness this time from sparkly and scantily-clad Rebeka and her more conservatively dressed backing singers and the suit-coated Domen and his tank-top wearing muscle boy dancers. Domen looks like he’s cleaned up since his last EMA appearance, as does Rebeka. (Last year, she ran around dancing in a wig.) It still looks like something from a high school talent show. A very liberal high school’s talent show.

• Sergeja – Tu da du

Sergeja is dressed like Ruslana, but is singing a syrupy sweet song so there’s a clear disconnect with the costuming department if you ask me. Sergeja is the best dressed entrant so far, and yet she’s given the most insipid song so far. I’ll give her credit, though, she most certainly puts her heart, soul, and go-go boots into performing the living daylights out of it. The poor woman is this year’s sacrificial lamb. (And she was, this song got zip.)

• Saša Lendero – Mandoline

Last year Saša sang about butterflies in an outfit that said “look at my breasts.” This year she’s singing about mandolins in an outfit that says “look even closer at my breasts.” There’s even an instrumental break for her and her female & male backing singers/dancers (including the feline looking mastermind behind Croatia’s 2003 entry by Brit—I mean Claudia) to shake their chests at the camera. I don’t know what to make out of Saša. She’s a decent singer, and scored high with the viewers (I can think of 2 reasons why), but she’s just so…bland. I don’t know how dressing up like a belly dancer can come across as banal, but somehow she does it. By the way, Saša, if you read this, please do your breathing exercises before you go onstage.

• Andraž Hribar – Rapad tepe ipi mapam

My Slovene is very minimal, but there is no way that title translates to “I love you.” Anyway, here is the first of tonight’s two ballads. (Thank god. This is why I love EMA, 14 songs and only 2 ballads.) Arguably even more than Omar Naber, Andraž looks and performs like Robbie Williams. He even sounds like him as well. After several EMA performances under his belt, I’m beginning to think that he just doesn’t care anymore. Why? Well, having two women do some contortions on the floor while you’re singing is an odd way to attract people to vote for your song.

• Marijan Novina – V mojih dlaneh

Marijan is also an EMA vet, in fact, I think he’s been popping up each year since 2003, except for last. After somewhat cleaning himself up in 2004, he’s letting his very long hair down this time. Just like Andraž and his ballads, Marijan does rock and rock ballads, and isn’t about to go off of that path. Fortunately, he’s got a good one this year. Much to my surprise, the man can really sing harmony. In fact, the backing singers seem to be dragging him down rather than the other way around. One day, you’ll win, Marijan. Just not this year, or probably next.

• Atomik Harmonik – Polkaholik

Anything I had said previously about Atomik Harmonik sounding like the insane fusion of “polka and The Offspring” I take back. It’s more like the insane fusion of polka and Alcazar. Two peppy blond women in 1950’s drive-in diner outfits, and two men dressed in white—one of whom is wielding an accordion, sing. I cannot believe a song that opens with “I’m sorry baby, I’m a polkaholic” was considered one of the entries to beat. Scary.

• Maja Slatinšek – Vihar

I also take back my slam of “Vihar.” It’s not a dull ballad, it just starts out like one and then goes midtempo. Maja, however, is dressed like she’s going to the prom not competing for the chance to go to Athens. Maja certainly sings her heart out, but she’s ultimately upstaged by two dancers with big ratted Eighties hair and dresses that sway back and forth. I was half expecting them to start singing “Material Girl” at some point.

• Ylenia – Hokus Pokus

This was the surprise entry of the night for me. The song sounded so bland during the previews, that I was shocked at how much I liked it. Imagine Stevie Nicks performing early Madonna. Ickle blonde Ylenia sings the hell out of it, while giving the camera looks that kill. Not to mention the staging! It seems like every EMA has one or two entries that seem to have staging right out of avant-garde theatre. This is the one for 2006. It’s Ylenia in a gold strapless dress and four men all dressed in black (her backing singers are in near floor-length coats to boot). They hoist her up in the air, dip her, lean on her, and Ylenia never loses the camera or her—well, I’m going to call a spade, a spade here—fierce look on her face. It would likely not do well in Athens, but boy she deserved higher than she got.

• Anžej Dežan – Plan B

So the hirsute twink with the spiky hair won the lot, probably because he managed to be campy and yet slightly sophisticated at the same time. Natalija Verboten set the camp level so high that I doubt no one else could reach it, but Anžej came pretty damn close. This man is like Slovenia’s version of Deen, although I don’t even think Deen could even sprout facial hair. Anyway, it’s so-so dramatic upbeat synthy song, but Anžej sells it well, so congrats, even though he really has the jury disliking the breasts that performed “Mandoline” to thank for his victory. Oddly enough, Anžej has the worst backing singers of the night in terms of singing. They’re pretty capable with dancing, though. I don’t know if this twink has already got an inflated sense of himself, but I found it strange that he just walked off the stage immediately after singing instead of waiting for his backing singers/dancers or at least pausing for a bow.

• Katrinas – Najdi Me

This was the other avant-garde theatrical entry of the evening, and the theme here seemed to be “look at our sleeves as we try to sing on-key.” Out of Katrinas’ 3 EMA entries so far, this is easily the weakest. They barely sing together, the song only gets interesting during the pan-flute instrumental break, and the two fan dancers in the back are just distracting.

• Monika Pučelj – Ostani Z Mano

Irene Grandi lives! It still sounds like “Crazy for you” sped up with heaps of guitar, but god help me I loved it. Monika wears some sort of purple and white stripped blouse and shorts combination, which makes her look like an aging tomboy. That said, she does her best vocally and energetically. I can’t stress the latter enough. Monika was running around the stage like somebody gave her Meth-laced Red Bull.

• Alenka Godec – Hočem Stran

Alenka was Alenka, if her last two EMA performances were anything to go by. You will not she her running across the stage like those other girls. No way. Alenka is going to strut and she doesn’t care what you think. Appropriately, she’s in a black pantsuit, which combined with her very powerful singing voice gives her even more gravitas. Unfortunately, here is the reverse of what happened with “Hokus Pokus.” You’re expecting some Tina Turner or even Beyonce-style quick struts across the stage and some kicks, and you don’t quite get it. She’s definitely there vocally, but visually it just falls a bit short. She deserves to win it next year. Great song though.

So as we all know now, the bearded twink won it, courtesy of the jury liking him and snubbing the breasts and the polkaholics. (The televoters and the SMS voters gave the breasts-that-performed-Mandoline 12 points, and the polkaholics 10.) Considering that the jury gave Ylenia 10 points, Monika 8 points, Andraž 7 points (the only points he got), and Alenka 3 points, perhaps I should join the jury for next year’s contest.

EMA 2006: The End Result

Well, I had hoped to watched all of EMA live, but RealPlayer and TV Slovenia's feed seem to suggest that waiting for it to be archived would be the smarter decision. At least I got to see who won: Anžej Dežan with "Plan B."

It's not a bad song, but it's a bit blah, to be honest. Starts out slow and then goes into full out pop overdrive. It's by the same group that came up with "Energy" in 2001.

What salvages it is that Anžej performs it as absolutely, totally over-the-top camp. I'm talking hand waving, hip thrusts, spastic movements, the whole nine yards.

What about Anžej himself? Well, he's definitely male or a pretty good drag king because he's sporting a beard, faux-hawk, and looks pretty hirsute. Think Nick from Project Runway. As I think Nick is very attractive, this is not a bad thing.

I have to mention one very interesting thing though. When Omar Naber announced that Anžej (who I'm really thinking of nicknaming Slovenian Nick or "Slo-Nick" for short) won, the two of them had quite the long embrace. Now, I realise that they were 1st and 2nd on Slovenia's Pop Idol, but that was some embrace. That was the sort of embrace that you give somebody you've slept with (and liked it), or at least want to. I'm not saying they did--because I frankly don't know--but that's what I looked like to me.

After Nuša Derenda in 2001 (Slovenia's answer to Kylie Minogue) , Sestre in 2002 (drag queens-as-flight attendants), and Karmen Stavec in 2003 (bitchy and synthy in pink), and Omar Naber (Robbie Williams goes Balkan), Slo-Nick seems a rather natural progression for Camp Slovenia.

Full review (complete with grumbles over how Alenka Godec and Monika Pučelj got screwed over) as soon as EMA 2006 gets archived.

Gōngxǐ Fācái

In honour of Chinese New Year, here's an interesting story from CBS's Sunday Morning about a 10-year-old black boy from Oakland becoming the latest star of Chinese Opera.

At Least It Wasn't The Ashlee Simpson Twins

After a final that made me think that the Simpson clan is actually of Polish descent (seriously you have no idea how many of the female singers looked like Ashlee Simpson), Ich Troje wound up winning. This time some rapper calling himself The Real McCoy is tagging along. His contribution to "Follow My Heart" seems to be quoting Daddy Yankee's "Gasolina" and various house songs from the Nineties.

It's not necessarily a bad song, but it's blah and nothing new. (I was for Kto To.)

I have to give the Poles some serious credit though, they put on a good show. A good show with a bizarre group of participants: A r&b duo called Dezire who both look like Ashlee Simpson; Belgian singer Danzel whose "Pump It Up" is played often at Splash for reasons I can't ascertain; a trio of screeching talentless slappers called Queens without any sort of irony whatsoever; a rock polka band called Brathanki whose lead singer should learn to dance during the instrumental breaks; and a Polish-American version of the Black Eyed Peas called The Jet Set.

Thank god EMA is tomorrow and I actually like all of the entires except for Maja Slatinšek's "Vihar."

In case you don't remember Ich Troje, they were the band fronted by a very gravelly voiced man with Kool-Aid red hair that sang Żadnych Granic back in 2003, a song that was most definitely mawkish to the extreme but staged oh so well and had probably the best preview video that year. Fortunately, this time around Kool-Aid Hair doesn't do much "singing," and the majority of vocal duties are left up to three women--none of whom I think were in the 2003 lineup.

Okay, This Is Interesting

Remember my plans for what sort of shows I would greenlight if I was a NBC network executive?

Apparently, I had a partial mind-meld with Aaron Sorkin and Thomas Schlamme, because they won the bidding war for a pilot entitled Studio 7, a drama set at a fictional sketch comedy show. It's going to star Matthew Perry, Steven Weber, and D.L. Hughley.

I want my royalties if it's a hit.

It's EMA Weekend

The main event of this weekend is EMA. Sadly, Alya is not participating this year, but I'm such an EMA-addict, I'll watch it anyway...and I'll try to make it painless for all the readers out there.

If there's one main thing that attracts me to Alya, it's that she performs almost exactly how I would. If I was considerably shorter. And female. And Slovenian.

Here's her performance of "Exxtra" from last year's EMA.

Norske Melodi Grand Prix 2006 Semi-Final 3: Charlie & Steve in Bergen Live

A bit of an explanation for this "evening's" subtitle. Tor Endresen is in this week's semi. He previously won the lot (meaning the MGP, not Eurovision where he got zip) in 1997 with the song "San Francisco," which featured the lyric "kjærlighetstid i San Francisco" which means "time for love in San Francisco." However, to my non-Norwegian ears that sounds like "Charlie & Steve in San Francisco." Well, it's a song about San Francisco, so it would make total sense to have a refrain featuring a gay couple, wouldn't it?

But I digress...

I click on NRK's "Nett-TV" at 1955 (Norwegian time) and I'm greeted with the image of what looks to me like a doll's house. A year into doing this reviews of Scandinavian national finals, and the humour still escapes me, I tell you.

I guess I messed up on the feed, because all of a sudden Brigitte is already performing.

Brigitte Einarsen - Saturday
Brigitte is in a kimono and performing the living daylights out of the disco-influenced "Saturday." This is my fave to win it. The backing singers look like they needed the workout.

Oh my god, what is Syn wearing? She looks like some cross between a fur trapper and a WAC employee from the 1940's.

Veronica Akselsen - Like A Wind
Another high school talent show performance. Veronica is in a red debutante dress that does her very few favours. Just the female backing singers (still in their green dresses and white go-go boots) this time. (Those boys needed their rest after performing with Brigitte.) I guess I should mention what the song is like. Well, it's a dull ballad. In fact, Veronica's accent is about the only interesting thing about it.

Phung - Shut Up and Kiss Me
Sti mentions "Popstars," which I'm guessing is how the public knows Phung. Her postcard starts out with some sort medieval re-enactment. I hope this means that she's going to attack the stage even harder than Brigitte. Oh yes, she does. Hip thrusts, sways, and an outfit that probably would fit in quite well in Showgirls. I likes me rock, and she does a very good job with it. As much as I like La Podolskaya, Phung could easily teach her a thing or five hundred. Shouting works well with rock, and she certainly uses it to her full advantage, since her voice gives out trying to do melisma.

Christine Gulbrandsen - Alvedansen
Syn says Christine's name and the crowd applauds. Either she's a local girl, or they're just anxious to finally hear something in Norwegian. Christine has got a pretty impressive voice that works well with this folk song. She's dressed in some silvery dress with a shing corset. If Phung was trying to work the bad girl aspect, then Christine is really working the angel angle. Of course, since this is Norway, there is an obligatory fiddle break. Crowd seems to go wild. Good for her. Apropos of nothing, she is gorgeous. Potential Miss Norway.

Sti & Syn have a comedy moment. It bombs.

Kathrine Strugstad - Paparazzi World
A word about the postcards. They're pretty pictures of Norway and have the most drunk-sounding man talking over them. So Kathrine can sing, but this song is so ridiculously dated. "In my pa-pa-parazzi world, I'm your pa-pa-paparazzi girl." Blech. The boys are back, and this time the choreography is kinder to them. All they have to do is wheel Kathrine around, sway from side to side, and kiss her cheek. Have they castrated them? The boys are awfully high-pitched. Thanks for the nostalgia, Kathrine. I doubt you'll make it past the second chance round.

Tor Endresen - Dreaming of a New Tomorrow
Syn flirts with somebody in the crowd. Man in New York wonders about her choices in men. Oh boy, I have a bad feeling about this song. It seems like it is engineered for maximum sweetness. The happy-go-lucky man from "San Francisco" seems to have possessed by the spirit of Sam Harris. This is so damn mawkish. I'm so glad that this is the last song, so I don't have to worry about being inflicted by another syrupy sweet ballad. Ok, I'll say something nice here: Tor does have a very good deep voice. I mean "deep." He's about as close as Norway will get to having a Barry White. Final lyric: "don't close the door." Oh, but I will, Tor, I will. Crowd loses their minds, but he's from Bergen, so that's to be expected.

Sti & Syn go over the rules again. Do they think anybody has forgotten within the span of one week? Review of the songs: Brigitte rocks; Veronica needs to go back to her prom; Phung rocks harder; Christine is very talented (but is that enough?) ; Kathrine is inane and screechy; Tor makes me want to throttle the smirk off of his face.

Note to Sti: A sparkly undone tie doesn't suit you. I'm just trying to keep you as handsome as possible. The weird lady next to you is beyond any help whatsoever.

Interval seems to involve some deadly serious woman yodeling along with a man uvulating. Then all of a sudden a girl starts singing in that annoying nasal way that young kids tend to. This for some reason leads into a Norwegian chorus. Then everybody starts getting solos, and they should definitely not be getting any solos whatsoever. It's too damn painful on the ears. By the way, there is a ballerina onstage. Humour? I don't think so. A whole bunch of children come onstage and the song starts to sound like some weird offspring between Norwegian, Turkish, and Russian folk music. And if that wasn't bizarre enough, there's a break dancer.

I really wish I was drunk, because I would enjoy this immensely.

Thank god Sti & Syn come on quickly after that, um, performance. They bring the kids of many national backgrounds to deliver the results. Brigitte makes it to second chance, I think. Good god, Veronica is there too. (You know this was Christine's slot, heifer!) The Norwegians are insane. Tor looks cocky during the greenroom shots. Unfortunately, it's with good reason since he's now got a ticket to final. Even worse, I have to suffer through this insipid song once again.

Tor performs. As if the lyrics weren't bad enough, he actually puts his hand in the air and sways it from side-to-side. The more I hear this song, I really think I wouldn't have as much issue with it if it was in Norwegian. See Tor, there is a disadvantage when people do know what you're singing. The door is shut, mister. Get used to it.

So who else will be joining Tor? Christine! I would've preferred that Phung gotten to the final and Christine to second chance, but this is not that bad an alternative. Christine performs and she's pretty good and flawless to be honest. I doubt she'll win (either in Oslo or in Athens), but good on her for getting to the final. This makes up for Tor's essentially free pass to the final.

Next week, the Second Chance round, which had better ensure that Brigitte and Arlene make it to The Spektrum or there will be hell to pay.

The 180 degree effect

Can a hardened cynic go light on his feet, walk arm-in-arm, and genuinely be upbeat?

Che pensi? Si.

An added bonus: I got to cheerfully tell off some organsiation that is interested in promoting family values in movies this morning. I swear, why would they even think of calling this household?

Wednesday Jukebox Loves Jahn Teigen

Since I'm writing about the Norwegian Melodi Grand Prix this year, it seems to only make sense to feature Jahn Teigen in the jukebox. Let me warn you, he's an acquired taste.

Here he is in 1978, performing "Mil Etter Mil." I do not believe he's drunk, the man just sings that way.



Fast forward to last year, when Jahn did the Norwegian Melodi Grand Prix again, looking a lot like a corpse recently let out of the casket. He's still got his own style...even with a ballad.



Now, something from The Netherlands: Ruth Jacott's "Vrede" from 1993. Be kind, remember what you were wearing back in 1993.



And finally, Alcazar's live perfomance of "Grillvagn" in 2004, one of the songs that wound up not making the final cut for Melodifestivalen. I think the direction was to act like a bunch of drag queens.

The Stonewall-Splash-Xes Post-Mortem: Sometimes you just want to blend in

The night started off at The Stonewall which was playing an eceletic group of videos that took me by surprise. (Dave Matthews Band? Audioslave? Everclear?)

Whereas once The Stonewall seemed to be drinkers and few pool players, pool has now become the focus point. People were cheering nigh on every 5 minutes for some shot. While that may be quite appealing to those participating, it wound up being aggro for me. Further compounded by asinine fag-hag conversations. ("She looks horrible." "Oh my god, she does. Promise me you'll correct me if I go out looking like that.")

After 4 Bud Lights (see how cheap I can be during Happy Hour), I figured it was time to go to Splash courtesy of a coin toss. Well, go figure I wind up in Rocco & Tony's section. Rocco & Tony were in full display. In fact, at one point their owner lowered his Mesh pants to show what his penis was looked like.

Rarely have I been curious about size, but it is a major ego boost to know that you are hung more than the cockiest bartender at Splash. I do mean "cocky," this guy was parading around in mesh sweatpants and an Alfred E. Newman expression on his face. Didn't have the physique to back it up either. I think Steve Carrell has got him beat big time. Fortunately, I'm indifferent.

Mwahahahaha.

After discovering that upstairs at Splash there is karaoke going on (Hell, no). I realise that is time for me to leave. Not quite in the mood to go home, I head off to XES. Again they're playing videos with different music. This is annoying. If you've got music videos playing, then play the audio track as well. I am starting to get a little freaked out that one of the bartenders knows my drink almost instantaneously. To keep him on his toes, I left after that.

Gotta keep 'em guessing.

EMA 2006: The Previews

If there's one national final that I look forward to, it's Slovenia's EMA. Trust me, it's the rare national final that I will give up a Tuesday afternoon for. Judging by the songs so far, it's going to be very upbeat pop and rock affair. This is a very good thing.

• NORA SEM, DA TE LJUBIM - NUŠKA DRAŠČEK: I don't know this woman, but she's got a good upbeat dance song.
• SOS - NATALIJA VERBOTEN: Natalija was the hot favourite several years ago with an English song with dubious grammar. She's much better in Slovene, and it's another dance pop song. (It's like France Gall all over again, I tell you.)
• NORO SE UJAMEVA - REBEKA DREMELJ & DOMEN KUMER: In Slovene, "and" translates as "in." So I had a good juvenile laugh at that. More dance pop. Domen Kumer is a former male model and the boy is lanky. This ought to be an interesting pairing.
• TU DA DU -SERGEJA: The theme for this year's EMA seems to be 1980's revival. Tiffany would've totally done the English cover of this.
• MANDOLINE - SAŠA LENDERO: Saša and her breasts return along with the goateed Croatian, Andrej Babič of "I won't be your lover" fame. Less dramatic than "Metulj" last year, and I'd be surprised if she wins.
• RAPAD TEPE IPI MAPAM - ANDRAŽ HRIBAR: Robbie Williams rock ballad redux, but I like it.
• V MOJIH DLANEH - MARIJAN NOVINA: Another rock ballad, but Marijan's song better.
• POLKAHOLIK - ATOMIK HARMONIK: Insane fusion of polka and The Offspring. Seriously, that's what I thought. They're the favourites, so be afraid...be very afraid.
• VIHAR - MAJA SLATINŠEK: The sole boring ballad so far. Oh well, no EMA is perfect.
• HOKUS POKUS - YLENIA: Midtempo folk-rock. I'll say this, Ylenia has got some serious pipes on her.
• PLAN B - ANŽEJ DEŽAN: It starts out as a ballad (see Saša) and then turns into a dance song. I don't know about this. I will say that this guy could easily join Il Divo with his voice. He seriously booms (and my hunch is that he probably pings too, shoutout to the Mizez).
• NAJDI ME - KATRINAS: Katrinas sound like a new age Slovenian version of the Andrews Sisters. They have generally gotten a raw deal at previous EMAs. "Najdi Me" is a folk ballad that doesn't take advantage of the fact that these women can harmonise with the best of them. Now when I say "folk," I'm not necessarily saying Slovenian folk, because this would not be out of place at a Chinese folk music festival.
• OSTANI Z MANO - MONIKA PUČELJ: Monika rocked out several EMAs ago and she does the same here. Think Madonna's "Crazy for you" sped up with liberal helpings of guitars. Irene Grandi does this with panache, and I think Monika does the same here. I'd love to see her win it, but I doubt she will.
• HOČEM STRAN -ALENKA GODEC: Alenka is Slovenia's "soul sister." She's best known for singing R&B/Soul music, and here she is given an interesting pop/soul/dance song. Imagine Christina Aguileira singing dance and you've kind of got the idea at work here. The "la la la" and the chorus sticks in your head. Alenka has nearly won the lot on her previous outings and frankly, I think it's her turn to win it. Trust me, the woman can bring it big time.

Sadly they don't play Alya at the end of the previews, but rather Billy's Private Parking's entry from last year "Ljubljana." Odd choice considering that Alya finished higher. Oh well, now I'm all keyed up and anxious for EMA this Sunday. I tell you, the Slovenians don't play.

Let's Get This House Cleaned!

Paul Martin steps down as Liberal leader. Glad you got same-sex marriage enshrined and you'll always be remembered for that, but unfortunately you made a few too many missteps since then.

Take the Jimmy Carter route post-PM, Paul.

Canadian Election Post-Mortem

Am I pissed?

Well, not exactly. On one hand, the all-or-nothing hardcore NDP supporter side of me is pissed whenever the NDP doesn't form the government or at least the opposition. However, since that would lead to me being perpetually angry, I'm not all that irked.

The fact of the matter is that this parliament is going to be funnier than Chrétien...well, every time he opened his mouth frankly. The Tories have 123, The Grits have 102, The Bloc has 50, and the NDP has 31 (and lord knows that will change come morning). Things will grind to a halt, because The Bloc, The Grits, and the NDP will be riding Harper like the glory hole pig bottom that he is.

As for the Paul Martin question, I honestly don't know. I certainly would like to see a total house cleaning, but Martin could function quite well as a leader of the opposition. I think he was too obsessed with just getting power and revenge that he didn't know what to do with it; however this might be the kick in the pants he needs to actually prove himself to be more than a flash-in-the-pan. (I'm avoiding Bush comparisions, but his grasp for power is slightly similar I have to say. There was a brief moment of elation on my part when I saw that he was trailing in his own riding initially.)

Now, a quick note on the CBC's election coverage. Why can't we have it like this South of the border? I mean it. It was light, informal, jovial and not so irritatingly self-important. Peter Mansbridge cracked jokes often without taking away the fact that this was democracy at work. He was accompanied by a roundtable of senators and politicos, as well in-studio reporters giving the results a regional perspective. It wasn't at all like the 2004 election or even the 2002 midterms in the US where you had anchors looking like they were about to have their veins pop at any given second from stress and cocaine. These people did not flip out if a riding went a different way than they thought.

It's worth pondering, considering that we've got midterms this year.

In closing, I just want to say one thing: Bernard Lord scares me. He's like the Canadian John Roberts, with a plastic smile and mannerisms akin to audio-animatron from a Disney theme park. Please tell me this man has peaked as Premier of New Brunswick.

The Annual Bacchanal Begins

(Disclaimer: This is a sex post. No names will be given, details will be kept to a R rating, but make no mistakes about it. It's about having it off.)

I do not have sex often. I feel no shame in admitting it. So when it happens twice in one day, it's quite a surprise.

The interesting events of the day began with another nude shoot, although this time I was paired with someone else and hallelujah, that makes everything so much easier. I am an aural person. I need to hear, see, and feel someone else next to me if I'm to maintain any sort of erection, not to mention thrusting.

Now I get hard just brushing up against another man, but to spend 45 minutes in assorted Kama Sutra positions with someone that you have near instant chemistry with? That's mind-blowing. Particuarly since I had envisoned this being akin to acting, albeit acting reduced to its basics. There was one point where I had my partner thrust up against a mantlepiece and went at it like a dog in heat. Almost instinctively (lest we have an orgasm too early), we broke the connection and just made out. This wasn't just like any normal making out, this was akin to devouring one another.

And when the time came...suffice to say, it was an eruption.

Now, the second one took me much by surprise. Shortly before I left for the holidays, I had an interesting meeting with another ex-Wisconsinite. We promised to sit down and have a proper date once I got back. To make a long story short, that did not happen due to illness on his part. Go figure that I run into him while drinking a Long Island Ice Tea (sometimes you just want a drink after sex). He's tipsy and flirty (inasmuch as I'd let someone be flirty with me in public when I'm not inebriated), so we go back to his. Not so much primal passion here, and I had to fake my orgasm. Still, I'm pretty certain this quite isn't the last chapter of this story.

By the way, if you're Canadian, VOTE (preferably NDP) today.

If I Was A NBC Network Executive

It's no secret that NBC isn't doing too well in the ratings department. Not even having some minor controversy around The Book of Daniel seems to be helping them out with their averages. So here's what type of shows I'd greenlight in order to get the peacock back to it's old strutting self.

Monday

• Novela slot #1: Your sister network is Telemundo, and yet you haven't tried airing a novela in primetime--even in the summer? Seriously, just get some voice actors to dub lines for the SAP channel, put some English captions on, and voila!
• City Story: You're already cutting back on Dateline, so why not go out to the affiliates and ask them to produce an hour long news programme about a local case or concern? The local anchorpeople get their egos stroked nationally, and the cost to the network is minimal. City Confidential and many of the programmes on Court TV prove that there is definitely an appetite for this type of show.

Tuesday

• Orange Road: A live action version of the 1980's Japanese manga and anime series about a teenage boy with telepathy and other powers and the love triangle he winds up getting himself into. Instead of it being Out of This World mark II, treat it like Smallville, except make it a half-hour.
• Top of the Pops: You cannot possibly mess up in the adapting of this BBC import. Quite simply, it's just musical performances of the songs that are on the charts. That's all. No need to sex it up beyond that.
• Don't mess with Law & Order: SVU.

Wednesday

• The Defiant: Grosse Pointe, for the brief period it lasted, was a cult hit and it's coming to DVD. Similar in spirit, just reset the action to New York and make the show-within-a-show a faltering daytime soap. Desperate Housewives set in daytime television.
• Untitled Bradley Cooper dramedy: Bradley Cooper does comedic asides, looks pretty, and strips off frequently. Figure out the plot later, you're just trying to hold onto viewers until Law & Order.
• Don't mess with Law & Order.

Thursday

Let's face it. You cannot rest on the coattails of your success in the 1980's and 1990's comedies anymore. The Apprentice isn't bringing the amount of viewers that it used to, and neither is ER.

• Volunteers: No, not an adaptation of the 1985 movie of the same name, but a sitcom set in a community centre. Think Night Court.
• My Life in A Cul-de-Sac: Suburban sitcom explicitly set in Northern Virginia. A recent widow takes in her gay brother after his messy divorce. Murphy Brown meets Will & Grace. Get Tim & Tyne Daly or Rosanna & David Arquette to star, keep the humour political and current, and do not make either character asexual, dammit.
• Building Tomorrow: An aspiring pharmaceutical engineer comes up against corruption and greed at her new firm, and tries to reform the system from the inside. 8 week miniseries. If it catches on, do a movie wrap up and move on. Don't flag a dead horse.

Friday

• Novela slot #2: See Monday.
• Autobiography: Let's be honest here, we're living in a world where everybody wants their 15 minutes. Let's give them a full hour. Everybody has a life story, and here we'll give them an hour to tell it and show it via re-enactments.

Saturday

• Playhouse 90: A revival of the critically lauded show from the 1950's and early 1960's. You know good and hell well that CBS isn't going to even attempt to revive it. And by the way, make it live.

Sunday

• The Other Side of Me: Dramedy about Marie, an accountant in Kansas City and Michael, a minor-league catcher in San Antonio. In their daily lives, they dream about the other and the question is whether Marie is Michael or is it the other way around. Get this before HBO or Showtime snaps it up.
• Don't mess with Law & Order: CI, or else Dick Wolf will have Vincent D'Onofrio hunt you down and overact you to death.

Norske Melodi Grand Prix 2006 Semi-Final 2: When Angry NRK Technicians Strike

I'm sure it was a grand ol' knee-slapping time in the I-would-never-attempt-to-pronounce-it town of Bodø, but if you lived outside of Norway, you couldn't see a sodding thing.

So let's keep this short and to the point.

The drag act, Queentastic, went to the final. Along with Norway's older and better dressed answer to last year's Latvian rentboy pairing: Hans-Petter Moen & Kim Arne Hagen.

Romanian-Norwegian Ovi Martin and his dirge went to the second chance round, as did newcomer (though she don't look it) Jannicke Abrahamsen, who had a vastly better song than Ovi's...at least to my ears.

This round was also notable for a sort of reunion of Charmed. Syn co-hosted, and Hanne Haugsand and Marit Strømøy (I wish I knew how to pronounce that surname) both had entries. As much as I would like to hear of some sort of MGP version of Dreamgirls drama going on backstage, it seems like there was none.

Although since Syn is the only person going onto the next final, there could be some still in the works.

But Will He Take Care of That Unibrow?

Armenia has picked their singer and song for Athens already. (Considering that internal selections yielded the 2003 and 2004 winners, this is not a bad idea.)

The honour of being the first Armenian entry at Eurovision goes to Andre, who is apparently quite popular in Armenia. He'll be singing a song called "Stay With Me," which I imagine is probably not at all like the Ken Hirai song of the same title.

I'm quite curious as to why they didn't go overseas for their debut. For starters, Cher is Armenian, as is Colton Ford. Notoriety is rarely a bad thing.

You Gonna Make Me Love Somebody Else

Steve Harvey was playing this song this morning as I woke up. I had never heard it before, but this song is catchy as hell. I was moving (inasmuch as I can) under my electric blanket. I go search Napster for it, and it turns out that it was a hit in 1979 -- my birth year. (On my actual birthdate, "Heart of Glass" topped the charts. I'm still trying to figure out what that means.)

It also seems like an appropriate welcome to the new year of Aquarius. For the next month (today through the 18th/19th of February), independence, inventiveness, perversity, and unpredictablity will reign.

I'm also starting my annual period of debauchery.

Hold on to your hats.

"Score One for the Whores!"

(Disclaimer: This is a soap post. I'm not a butch queen 24/7, you know.)

You know, even though I'm long since recovered from the surgery, I'm still watching The Bold & The Beautiful for lines like that. As botoxed and siliconed-up as La Tylo is, she certainly throws herself into her role...and that's quite a lot with her enhancements.

One question still lingers, though.

How on Earth can a show about fashion last so long without a single gay character? (Sally doesn't count.) I was a bit surprised when Felicia's return was met with the memorable line from Susan Flannery "Lesbians? I know lesbians!"

Alas, Felicia is still proclaiming her heterosexuality.

I am honestly curious now as to when (I don't think it's a question of "if" anymore in this day and age) they are finally going to bring homosexuality to this soap. My money's on Clarke or Thorne, but frankly, at this point it wouldn't surprise me if the producers decide to throw the viewers for a loop and have Brooke come out as bisexual.

I Get Petty in the Morning

Mike Woods said "thee-ATE-ter" this morning. That's what he said.

This annoys me as much as people calling musicals "plays."

Minsk 2007?

No way in hell judging by this shortlist (courtesy of Esctoday) :

• Janet - Mysterious Logic
• Lesya Kodush - Babysitter
• Elena Grishanova - You can't stop this dance
• Prima Vera - I can see the rising sun
• Lyavony - Come back
• Gunesh Abasova - Connect the hearts
• Ruslan Musvidas & Svetlana Vezhnovets - Прочь с глаз (Proch s glaz)
• Dmitry Koldun - May by
• Tyana - You never know
• Gosia Andrzejewich - Dangerous game
• Alexandra Gaiduk - An a-class face
• Litesound - My faith
• Polina Smolova - Сайт одиночества (Sait odinochestva)
• Irina Dorofeeva - Вышита сорочка (Vyshita sorochka)
• Dali - Europe's heard's groov

Let's look at some of the titles here: "Babysitter?" "May by?" "An A-class face?" "Europe's Heard's Groov?" "Babysitter" just creates an image that I really think most people don't want to have. "May by?" Do you mean "may be" or "maybe?" I know Lukashenko doesn't want people to leave, but surely somebody has smuggled in an elementary school English grammar book. "An A-class face?" Doesn't that sound rather...um...eugenic? I'm hoping that "Europe's Heard's Groov" is a typo, but after the absurdity that was "My Galileo" (which opened with "I'm no stay-at-home, and heady/ is my quest and venture mode/And the road is there to tread it/All-dimensional road....My galey-eyeyeyeye-o"), one can never be too certain.

Why on Earth the pariah of Europe insists on butchering the English language in a misguided attempt for votes is well and truly beyond my comprehension. Not to mention they've got the oddest way of picking a winner. The televoters (*supposedly*, this is Belarus, remember) pick the top three and then a mysterious jury picks the winner amongst them.

If the winner happens to have given the jury members the most money, well, that's just a sheer coincidence isn't it?

Let us remember what originally won the Belarussian final last year:



And the scary thing is that she's being sincere.

Yet Another Reason to Hate This Real Estate Boom

Forget the economy.

Forget the bait-and-switch mortgages.

The main reason I hate this real estate boom is that sodding crane across the street.

Today there's a High Wind Advisory (up to 60+ mph) and this thing is just swaying back and forth and back and forth. I don't need to have a Roland Emmerich special effect in the making right outside my window. I'm pretty certain the people in the surrounding three other buildings feel the same way.

(By the way, all you QTN viral marketers. Not cute until you give me a show.)

Has Much Changed?

Today officially marks one year since this little corner of the internet was started. It also marks the actual birthdate of Martin Luther King, Jr.

Last year, I asked "so where are we now?" Now I'm asking it again.

The Rev. Al Sharpton and the National Black Justice Coalition are holding a summit of black religious leaders to attempt to combat homophobia within the black churches and the community-at-large.

On a considerably more shallow note, but nonetheless surprising to me, I watched My Sexual Harrassment on Q Television (via DVR) . If you had told me last year that we would have a gay premium channel broadcasting yaoi anime Cinemax-esque films in the US, I would've thought you were dreaming. For all the mocking I do of QTN, it certainly is beginning to establish a niche as the HBO/Showtime of the gay networks. If you have issues with LOGO (I don't, but some do) not allowing nudity and swearing, well they are definitely alive at QTN for $7.95 a month here.

Which brings me to another point. I'm shocked that we now have 3 gay networks available here in New York. Granted, Ozaukee County is still not offered LOGO on cable, but there's still a surprise there: Brokeback Mountain is playing in Mequon, the land of the closet cases.

So things are better, but there is still a need to avoid resting on our laurels. We still live in a society where we still really have no A-list stars publicly declaring that they are gay. We still live in a society where young white women going missing causes a national uproar, while children of colour barely make the front page. We still live in a society where there is still is inequality in payment and treatment based on the colour of skin, gender, nationality, and sexual orientation.

Yet, for a second today and tomorrow, do acknowledge the successes and visualise how to combat the problems that continue.

I Have A Low Pain Threshold

Oh lordjesuschristmaryjosephthedonkeymothernaturevishnubuddhazoroaster, I am in pain.

On my trainer's suggestion I took a cardio class today. Yoga seems to be working out (sort of), so I figured why not? I don't know if it's that I am not used to working out on Sundays, but this class killed me. After losing Debbie Allen in yoga, she has resurfaced in cardio. 45 minutes of lunging, kneeling, balancing, and just simply moving about--nonstop. It may read like it's easy, and perhaps to most people it is, but this did me in. My own lack of rhythm did not aid things one bit.

Apparently the goal here is to keep your feet as light as possible. Well, that is a very enviable goal if you have normal feet, but alas, I've got the flat ones. (I mean virtually no arch whatsoever.) I walk like Frankenstein's monster. So a directive to avoid making any noise with my feet...'taint easy.

Now, despite this rant, I'm not giving up. I'm an Aquarian, and we're stubborn like hell. I may not hack it in this class yet, but I will push on and get rid of my clomp--at least for 45 minutes.

First, however, I'm going to wash down a whole bottle of Motrin with some Rolling Rock.

Petty, Petty, Petty

If this is true, then the Howard government of Australia is being unbelievably petty and homophobic.

Norske Melodi Grand Prix 2006 Semi-Final 1: Is There Anything New Under The Sun?

A little disclaimer before I get started with this review. For starters, I like most of Norway's entries from 1960 to 1998 (give or take a "Mitt Liv," "Duett," or whatever Finn Kalvik sang in 1981), I even liked their English language entries from 1973 to 1976. Somehow from 1999 onwards, the songs really began to...well...suck, for lack of a better term. My automatic bias against free language would suggest that this is related to the relative absence of the Norwegian language in their final, but quite frankly there are several exceptions disproving that (Mocci's MGP entry in 2001; Arlene Wilkes's in 2004; ol' crazy Jahn Teigen, Jorun Erdal, and Wig Wam last year). Since all the songs have now been released, I have to say that this year the quality does seem better, however I sympathise with Philip Kruse who pointed out that 12 of the 18 songs in the semi-finals are actually by Swedes. Not exactly a ringing endorsement by the state broadcaster of the Norwegian music industry.

Preamble over and on with the show.

Actually, if you're watching this online you don't necessarily start with the show but with a very prim and proper announcer who looks like a schoolteacher from Minnesota.

I have to say one thing about NRK (which also applies to SVT as well), they are stylish! Seriously, the US networks could learn a great deal about minimalist logos and film quality from them. I have no idea where Alta is in Norway, but NRK has tempted me to consider visiting it.

The stage looks remenscient of American Idol but dark and sleek with several chandeliers all around the stage. Our hosts for the evening (and for all the rest of MGP 2006, I suspect) are Synnøve Svabø & Stian Barsnes Simonsen. I'm calling them Syn and Sti. Syn, I believe was in the group Charmed, who represented Norway in 2000. Sti is a comedian, I think. Sti comes out first. He's a very good looking man, I have to say. Sort of like Drew Lachey or Breckin Meyer but cleaned up. He could do with a bit of a haircut, but I'm content. Then Syn comes out, and if she's not a drag queen, then I'm surprised. She's wearing some sort of sash that looks like a bunch of leeks rolled up with some feathers. Considering that Sti is a comedian, Syn is doing her best to upstage him. Syn also looks a lot like Kirsti Sparboe.

There's a music break of "Boogie Wonderland" and then they get on with the show. (What is it with the Nordic countries and '70s disco?)

The postcards are just...gorgeous, to be honest. Scenes of Norway as a Winter Wonderland.

Song #1 Trine Rein - Here For The Show
Well, for all the praise I just heaped on NRK, they still have audio problems, because Trine wasn't audible for the first few seconds. This is basically a Robbie Williams song as performed by a woman. She can sing, and the song is not bad, but it's nothing terribly interesting. (Much like Robbie Williams now, to be honest.)

Song #2 Geir Rønning & Jorun Erdal - Lost and Found
Take last year's Finnish has-been and last year's MGP has-been and hopefully they'll become something. The postcard deals with face-painting. Uh huh. I'm not going to try to find a connection there. Wow, does Geir have a strong accent. This must be one of the Swedish songs, because we have heard this song before in 2003 with Fame. I feel obligated to point out the grammatical error of saying "search for lost and found." Anyway, Geir looks like a businessman singing karaoke, and Jorun looks like the Norwegian answer to Delta Burke. It doesn't work for her.

Syn & Sti talk. I have lewd thoughts about Sti, I could care less what he's saying.

Song #3 Kirsti Carr - Misled
Kirsti is dressed in a Lena Ph pink blouse and white capri pants, but seems a little too timid. This might be another Swedish entry as well. The reason why? The staging is reminescent of guess what? Fame in 2003. Standard uptempo song, nothing too interesting here. The overall impression I get is of a high school teachers' talent show.

Song #4 Christina Undhejem - My Dream
Sti said something about Lionel Ritchie in his intro for Christina. I do not take this as a good sign. Oh god, it's a ballad. Christina has big frizzy hair and a dress that makes her look pregnant. The stream that I'm watching this on begins to freeze up and I know now that my ISP apparently has good taste. Christina tries to have her crazy gospel moment towards the end, but I'm so deep in "I don't care" territory that there is no way I'm turning back.

Song #5 Mocci Ryen - Tonight
Mocci brought it in 2001 with "You've Got The Motion" and unfairly lost to the freak show that was Harald Whatisnamn and his rip off of "All By Myself." Having listened to the song already (last night, in fact, on my way out to Splash), it seemed pretty decent. Sort of like No Doubt's version of "It's My Life" meets Kelly Osbourne's "One Word." Syn says something about Paul McCartney and I get a bad feeling. It starts out well. Mocci is a bit breathy, but capable. She's dressed in what I would describe as a 1930's nightgown and has her hair styled like Jean Harlow. Unfortunately, it seems like she never manages to totally grab the audience with the punch required to pull off this song. Eep. Her backing singers look like green and white pep squad members. Alas, Mocci's voice goes all over the place towards the end.

Song #6 Arlene Wilkes - Sunshine
For her part, Arlene brought it in 2004 with the anthemic "This Is Where You Got It From." This time, she's going for disco. If you can imagine an elfin Debbie Allen, then you've got a good idea of what Arlene looks like. Arlene is dressed like a 1950's dance teacher. Lots of floral print and bust out front and centre. Arlene seems to be suffering from Mocci's vocal problems. That is to say, not quite selling the song enough. Afro-Dite dodged this in 2002 by having psychotic choreography. Unfortunately, "Sunshine" does not call for this and all of Arlene's musical training ain't helping her sell it.

Trine performs again because nobody at home could hear her. They can now, and I am still indifferent. Seriously, the last thing we need are more Robbie Williams imitators. Do something original, please. I'd care more if it was in Norwegian...slightly.

Sti & Syn go over the rules and replay the songs. Basically, the top two songs will go to final and the next two will go to the second chance round. Trine is still banal, Geir and Jorun look bizarre, Christina is still frizzy, Mocci tries hard and doesn't quite get there, and Arlene...well, the studio version is kick-ass at least.

The interval is something called "Secret Stone," which seems to a performance incorporating Sami singing and violins. Think Enigma, not "Sámiid Ædnan." It's quite nice and soothing, and I'm generally not one of these people who like new age folk-fusion music. (Though I actually like "Sámiid Ædnan.")

Sti and Syn come back. Syn starts saying "Sweden, one point" and on and on until "The Former Yugoslavian (sic) Republic of Macedonia, 12 points." I find myself wishing that my Norwegian was up to snuff so I can figure out if she's being genuinely funny or just unhinged.

Somebody called Geir-Ove Bakken comes out and the crowd goes bananas. I think he's certified the results. Dramatic pause...save for ominous synth music. Kirsti Carr goes to the Second Chance round. (Why?) Arlene Wilkes goes to the Second Chance round. (Good for her.)

Trine goes to the final. (Weak semi, you're lucky.) Trine performs again. I have now heard this song three times and I have now gone from indifferent to the early stages of loathing. All she does is basically shout "Are you here for the show? Are you here for the rock 'n' roll circus?" I will give her credit, she's a decent singer, but this is really quite a milquetoast "rock" song.

Geir and Jorun go to the final as well. (Very lucky it's a weak semi.) I'm spared seeing them perform again because Trine's audio problems have caused the MGP to run over and NRK's streaming will not have this go over one hour. Who knew that NRK's streaming had such good taste as well?

Next week, Queentastic try to become the second drag act to perform at Eurovision.

Eurovision 2006 Review Schedule

National Final season is upon us and it's not going to go unnoticed here. The Spaniards seem to have no idea how they're selecting their song, so the chances of another psychedelic trippy national final look pretty slim. So this year, it looks like I'm going to be covering the following:

• Norway (probably a day late, if they continue to have these things on Fridays; Semi-final 1 will be up this weekend--hopefully--with a decidedly pro-Arlene Wilkes slant)
• Slovenia (Sadly, this year is without Alya)
• Sweden (The first three semi-finals will be covered on here, as will the final)

In the meantime, enjoy Joy Fleming belting out German soul music back in 1975.

Let's Yoga Again

The second yoga class was today, and it was a pratically all-new group (although the woman who doesn't shave her armpits was still there). The demographics had switched from majority female to majority queen.

Interestingly, this seemed to change the teacher's demeanor as she went from being Debbie Allen in Fame to Sandra Bernhard. If that's not knowing your students, then I don't know what is.

I am continually amazed at how much I wind up sweating out within the first half-hour. I mean, I was absolutely dripping. Still, I haven't been totally won over. Some of those positions--such as "the camel," a position that seems to entail grabbing your heels while sitting on your knees--are just a little bit too unnatural for me...yet.

The Canadian Election Campaign Post

With Newsworld International now sadly torn from US airwaves (thank you, Al), it's rather hard to follow the upcoming elections in Canada...even with my homepage being CBC News. This is a bit disturbing as quite frankly, this is a major election and there's a slew of issues on the table.

Believe it or not, the rumour mill has the Conservatives ahead with the Bloc forming the Official Opposition and the Grits and NDP taking up the slack. Now, in a perfect world, the NDP would win easily or at least form the Opposition. Alas, as we all know, this world is far from perfect.

The thought of a Conservative win is alarming, and I hope that it's a different story by the 26th. Gay marriage, I believe, will not be taken away, but a whole slew of funding cuts and general mismanagement will occur to an albeit slightly less harsh degree as they occur here in the US.

Although my dream to work at CBC continues unabated, this statement by several prominent Canadian actors about funding is a little bit unnerving.

Is It An Apology?

Well, kind of*. TV Guide's website quotes Gene Shalit apology for his remarks during his review of Brokeback Mountain:
*Why not say it on-air, Gene?

"In describing the behavior of Jack, I used words that I now discover have angered, agitated and hurt many people. I certainly had no intention of casting aspersions on anyone in the gay community or on the community itself. I regret any emotional hurt that may have resulted from my review."

If NBC has no sensitivity programme in place, then they'd better get on the ball with it ASAP.

No More Questions

After seeing Ken Hirai's latest video, I am now convinced that he is completely my type.

Courting Mistakes

Yes, the title is a double entendre.

I can't necessarily pinpoint what the trigger was for making me think of the misadventures I've had in dating this morning, but that's exactly was front and centre while I was making my protein shake. (I can't hack breakfast, and need something in the morning.)

• Drunk dialing one guy and telling him that "we should take it to another level" at 11 o'clock at night.
• Leaving a message full of "umm"s and "uh-huh"s to a blind date that wound up never happening.
• Lying through my teeth and saying that I had a good time, when really I didn't.
• Feigning hipness, when honestly, I'm a total square.
• Discussing politics and questioning the logic behind not voting. (Perhaps not the best first impression.)
• Having a first date at a 24 hour diner.

Does this qualify me to have my own romantic comedy sitcom now?

And here's today's jukebox, featuring Hikaru Utada (whom I find very scattershot in general), but the song and video seems appropriate for today's post.

From the "broken clock is right twice a day" Department

GLAAD issues a call to action in respect to Gene Shalit's bizarre homophobic review of Brokeback Mountain.

You don't have to like it, Gene, but in what universe would Jack Twist be considered a "sexual predator who hunts down Ennis del Mar?" At least judge it by what actually is onscreen and by what is said.

Update: Peter Shalit, Gene's openly gay son, issues a response. Reading it, I don't think Peter quite grasps why there was a call to action, because he doesn't really address the issue of terminology.

Milwaukee?...In Whose World?

I don't know if the people at Men's Fitness need to change their glasses or if they have never set foot in Milwaukee, but I want to know how on Earth did Milwaukee place 5th on their list of Fittest Cities in the country? 'Cause it ain't.

I mean, the city has definitely changed a lot since I left it, but this is tantamount to saying that Houston is prone to blizzards in July.

Is This Really Safe?

The view outside my apartment today after the day's construction had been completed. (Apparently, this will be going on several weekends this month.)

Maybe it's just my memories of that crane falling at Miller Park, but this isn't exactly a reassuring image to see outside your window. (And if I'm a little apprehensive, just wonder what the people in the stone building are thinking with the arms of two cranes just feet away from their windows.)

I'm just saying...

The Return of the Phyllis Diller Clones

Remember those wacky housewives Las Supremas de Móstoles and their ode to cyberporn addicted husbands "Eres Un Enfermo?"

Well, here is a video of the performance itself. And yes, the whole of the Spanish semi-final and national final was bathed in psychedelic pink and those infernal dancers were everywhere.

When Builders Fall In Love

365gay.com (the scourge of Famous Author Rob Byrnes) is carrying the story of a builder allegedly involved in fraud and tax evasion in order to pursue a relationship with another builder.

Wasn't this already a film with Barbra Stanwyck?

Yoga Days

Per my trainer's suggestion, I started taking yoga classes and today was my first day. I try to be an open-minded person, but for the life of me I do not see how contorting one's body into a myraid of uncomfortable positions (especially if you have no balance on your left side) can elevate your mind and make you centered.

In fact, what the hell does being "centered" mean? Indifferent? Not affected by the world around you? Well, hell's bells, I've been that since day one. I'm just trying to see how much pain I can endure for 90 goddamn minutes. I think this is some mumbo-jumbo concocted to separate fools from their money.

That being said, I'm going to stick with it because it's included with my membership. Although, I swear it's the oddest class I've been in. Lots of middle aged women trying to act bohemian (cellphones at the ready, mind you), a few new-age queens, and me already caked in sweat and stench from weightlifting earlier. Like hell I'm going to quit it now.

Today's PSA: If you're a little blonde Dutch girl, do not, I repeat, do not duet with a large hairy man with a voice that sounds like Kermit the Frog...(NB: This man looks like he ate Jim Henson.)...Especially if it's 1974 and bad fashion was happening all over the place.

The Year Starts Well

My councilmember, Christine Quinn has been selected to be Council Speaker for the New York City City Council. She's the first out Lesbian in the post.

She'll watch Bloomberg like a hawk.

New Year's Jukebox: "This Is Ok"

Several videos I've been quite keen to post.

The perky and pink Lise Haavik back in 1986. Probably the most sacchrine way of saying "you are full of lies," but hey, it's the mid-eighties.



Novi Fosili blatantly rip off poor ol' sexually confused Cliff Richard with "Ja Sam Za Ples" in 1987. (That man who sings "This is ok" sounds like he's about ready to have a coronary.)



"Don't Believe, Don't Fear, Don't Ask" is a personal motto of mine. Here are the faux lesbian pop sensations, tATu performing it--off-key--in 2003. (Well, they still got 3rd.)



Fast forwarding to 2004 with tweaked twink boi Deen representing Bosnia & Herzegovina with "In the Disco" which borrows heavily from Donna Summer's "I Feel Love."

Reichen's not so self-aware

Today on The Reichen Show (on QTV) : Cheating.

I kid you not. The famewhore who went on and on about his devotion to his husband during the fourth season of The Amazing Race then proceeded to break up with him after winning the $1 million prize is talking about cheating.

An excerpt from the opening statement: "Why do some people get into a commitment if they have no intention of following through?"

I don't know, Reichen. I'll go ask Chip. By the way, outside of exercise regimes, who on god's green Earth would ever ask you for advice?

The January Look

Just trying a new look out for January and perhaps the rest of 2006.