Eurovision 2006 Qualifier

For some odd reason, TVE Internacional does not broadcast the Qualifier live, preferring to give over the late afternoon time slot to news and “news” shows (how else could one describe an infotainment show called “Heart of Spring?”). So I am watching both the webcast and the “regular” broadcast which is on at 11:20 tonight. (Seriously, 11:20 at night? Is it worth pissing off the Eastern & Central Time Zones—read: New York, Florida, Illinois, and 90% of Texas?)

Anyway, the main appeal for me in this Qualifier (which really isn’t that interesting to me beyond just making sure that Turkey gets through and be depressed with Andorra) is the potential car crash that promises to be the hosts: Saz & Maz, I’ll nickname them. I’ve seen Entertainment Tonight, and frankly Eurovision is no Entertainment Tonight. I don’t think Mary Hart-like cuteness will play in Europe, so I think Maz is totally in over her head. Saz can probably get away with being mostly mute and smirking at the camera. Unfortunately, that means Maz will be left with much of the heavy lifting.

And we’re off.

After one of the shortest entry animations ever, a bunch of beehived women (I’m assuming they are supposed to be The Muses) and assorted Greek mythological figures carp about to the tunes of Eurovision classics. Honestly, I’m so tired of “Nel Blu Di Pinto Di Blu.” Quite hilariously, the accents are strong here. I’m talking dipped in olive oil and ouzo. Unbelievably, they sing “Dschingus Khan.” I’m trying to see the point here, but all I can gather is that Greek history apparently meshes well with kitsch. Equally shocking, when they get “My Number One” it’s done as a group song, with no Paparizou in sight.

And what’s the closer to this opening?

“Love Shine A Light” as performed by Maz & Saz. If that was them singing earlier, then I have no idea why Maz loses her accent while singing.

Maz SCREAMS “Good Evening Europe,” then goes straight into Valley Girl speak. The pattern seems to be to have Maz be in English and Saz in French. I like Saz in French. It works for me. It is odd and yet oddly welcoming (to my ears) to hear Maz's American accent.

Armenia: The postcards are tours throughout Greece. The Unibrower is given scenes of shopping. He sounds horrible. The act seems to involve him capering about a table while a group of female dancers in quasi-bondage gear do their callisthenics. The Calli-Girls then tie the Unibrower up and then, if I’m not mistaken, they start line dancing. Oh lord, this is bad. It ends with the Calli-Girls drooping like marionettes.

Bulgaria: Greek Sports is the postcard for Bulgaria. So I’m assuming Marianna’s vocal acrobatics are in good shape. She starts weak, but on the upside she looks ten times better than she did in the preview video. Marianna is in a gold cheong sam while dancing women dressed like blue sirens caper about ballet-style. Oh my lord. Some man who went crazy in the makeup and frosted hair bin starts singing and all that preceded it, is forgotten. Yikes.

Slovenia: Beaches and Young Pretty People for Jazz Hands. Jazz Hands has fortunately put on some weight. He seems to have restrained himself from his “Look at me” manic gestures. The real comedy in this, however, is that the choreography suggests that the female backing singers/dancers are all lusting over him. Much to my amusement, he does end with Jazz Hands.

Andorra: Markets and Theatre for Andorra. I am steeling myself because I’ve heard it’s horrible. That said, Jenny attacks the stage! Go Girl! Now, let’s talk about the stage picture: Um, what’s with the Flashdance tribute? A whole bunch of harlots in lingerie flouncing about chairs? Huh? They just look weird next to Jenny, who is gorgeous, but nowhere near waif size. Nonetheless, this is miles better than Bulgaria. Crowd goes wild, I remain optimistic.

Belarus: Architecture, Nightlife, and Islands for Belarus. Good lord, who dressed you, Po? (Pun is intentional.) I haven’t seen that many diamonds and hotpants since Solid Gold went off the air. If this was 1986, this would be very well-received, but unfortunately for Po, it isn’t. I have to say that I find it very funny that Belarus is appropriating many pop culture aspects of rebellion for their entry. Not surprisingly, despite a performance that could only happen under cocaine, this is so forgettable.

Albania: Bagpipe playing men: Check. Twink in inexplicable leisure suit: Check. Trio of jeans wearing male backing singers: Check. That’s right leisure suits, bagpipes, and jeans. Somebody needs to teach The Twink how to dance outside of a Folk Festival. Good lord, the backing trio go all Jets vs. The Sharks towards the end. It’s like they’re all in different entries.

Belgium: Beaches for La Ryan. I’ve never realised this before, but La Ryan looks like Geri Halliwell. She has eradicated any cuteness and is going for the aggressive approach, which in general is a style choice I prefer, but growling “Je t’adore” is just bizarre. I’ll give La Ryan credit, she got my toes tapping, but then again I’m scared of her now.

Ireland: Alcohol is the theme of the postcard. (Burn!) Jesus wept, he is nasal. I already can’t stand this song, but now he’s making this worse. He also looks constipated. I swear every Irish ballad entry has the same two female & one male backing vocalists. Yes, that’s how boring this is. I find counting the backers more interesting.

Commercial break for (cheap) broadcasters, but on the webcast we have a montage of the events preceding the whole shebang. Sewing, cutting, greeting people at the airport, shirtless men, etc. Riveting stuff, I tell you.

Cyprus: Fashion apparently. Annet is in a short canary yellow breast—I mean dress. Well, that’s what is plopped out in front of me. I’d much rather see The Twink’s clavicle, but life is cruel that way. I’m going to be honest with you here, Annet basically sings the Irish entry but better. If this becomes a hit (which is unlikely), I can totally see hordes of American Idol contestants murdering this on a weekly basis. It’s better than Ireland, but that’s really not saying much, isn’t it?

Monaco: Seafood and the High Life. Oh lord, hula dancing. Severine dances around her hip-switching shirtless male dancers. Again, you have two groups who think they are in two different numbers. Severine & the Hula Girls are performing it sensually, and the male dancers are in some avant-garde dance piece. Shockingly, it works…as an unintentional comedy entry.

Macedonia: Aww, Macedonia gets the sun in its postcard. Elenina Sky looks like a cross between Jennifer Lopez in her Fly Girl days and Helena Paparizou. This is definitely subdued given what came before, and still sounds like it would be more at home north of 125th street than onstage in Athens. I’ll give Elenina Sky credit, she’s changed me from indifferent to light supporter. Not like there’s any doubt that she won’t get through though.

Poland: Beach Resorts for Poland, because that’s what I think of when I think of Poland. Good lord, the Princesses are all wearing masquerade masks. Punch Bowl Hair has dyed his hair green, for reasons that are mysterious to me. The poor rapper is stuck walking through the crowd of deranged fans, while the Royals strike poses above him. Has Poland completely forgotten the Solidarity Movement? Oh lord, I do not want to see Punch Bowl Hair kiss the abdomen of one of the Princesses! Ewww.

Russia: The Mullet Twink still has his mullet, but he’s toned it down. Wisely—given the audience—he’s in a tank top. This is some weird staging. While Mullet Twink is capering about, two ballerinas enter and do pirouettes. Then another one appears out of a piano. A piano that is being played by no-one. I think someone needs to ease up on the LSD.

Turkey: Mountains and Metros for Turkey. Ok, Sibel and Jenny need to do a duet. They have got some deep voices on them. Sibel really doesn’t move around much, but her male dancers are on Speed. It works and it’s classic (cf. Marilyn Monroe in the "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" number from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes). I’m just going to call it as I see it here: She b.r.o.u.g.h.t. it and then some.

Ukraine: Karola is dressed like Athena, while her backing dancers are dressed like Cossacks. She’s going the Sibel route of little movement while the dancers move around like mad. The dancers even jump rope while Karola does a two-step. It’s much more energetic than I thought it would be, but seriously Sibel blew her out of the park…Except for that freakishly long note Karola did near the end. Being between Turkey and Finland might help or hurt her chances. (And it did help. Note how all the entries from Russia to Finland got through.)

Finland: Countryside scenes for Finland. Mr. Lordi is wearing a hat with the Finnish flag on it. Well, if you’ve ever seen Gwar, this isn’t that shocking, however, most of Euro-land hasn’t. I’m really surprised that I’m not bowled away. I mean, I do like it a lot, but performance-wise, Sibel impressed me more. I’ll take the fact that the webcast rebuffered often as a sign that they are going through.

Saz & Maz do some business in the green room about televoting. Maz is treating this like the Grammys and she's working the red carpet. I wish she had taken tips from Joan Rivers beforehand.

Netherlands: The Sea for Netherlands, which is very appropriate. Blaundabanda is very well, blonde. Seriously that’s what this looks like: A bunch of blonde girls from The Valley beating drums and trying to act all soulful and cute. The song comes across as a Lilith Fair reject. The rebuffering during this is surprising to say the least. At least you can’t forget the song title, because they sing it umpteen times.

Lithuania: Is this some sort of tribute to Reservoir Dogs? That’s the only way I can interpret a bunch of men in suits acting like they’ve lost their ever-loving minds. Are there any lyrics in the song beyond “we are the winners of Eurovision?” I think not.

Portugal: Seaside Dining for Portugal. We get it, Greece has a lot of coast. Ok, why does the costume designer hate these girls so? Most of them are dressed in Madonna ”Confessions” knock-offs and one is dressed like a comedy showgirl. Since the choreography calls for a lot of thrusts and grinds, this makes them look foolish. Bless them, they sing the daylights out of the song, but unfortunately, the song is just bad.

Sweden: Ooh, it’s the seaside again and this time with extra blue! Carola has an enormous train, but it still isn’t as big as the train for one of the Princesses from Poland. However, Carola’s is blue. Random thought: Carola looks a lot like Barbra Streisand. Contemplate that for a bit. Anyway, Carola’s train gets pulled and the singers come out and wave white flags. Contemplate that as well. You know what? It still isn’t as impressive as Turkey. (And I don’t even believe that Turkey is going to win it.)

Estonia: Cyclists and beer for Estonia. (But is it seaside beer, I must ask?) Ouch! Carola Jr. is really off-key. At least she isn’t letting in show in her face. The performance is basically Carola Jr. strutting about while the backing singers thrust out their arms. They vary things about by having some of the backing singers join Carola Jr. in the traditional Swedish diamond formation. Yeah, whatever.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Beaches & Capitalism for the Bosnians. Ooh, isn’t this dramatic? They’re all scattered around the stage looking like somebody shot their monkey. HMH come forward and sings. The backing performers look at him, then look away. The traditional leggy Bosnian accordion player is back. Welcome back! The performers drop their instruments and join HMH in solemn chorus. It’s like a Greek Tragedy, except it’s Bosnian/Serbian. Grindingly, I say they deserve to go through.

Iceland: Sylvia is greeted by a loud “boo.” She cops out by saying “I frickin’ win.” Anyway, Sylvia is dressed like Marie Antoinette and is accompanied by two male dancers in Mexican Wrestling Masks. Oh yes, that’s what they are. The comedy bit in the middle is well…bizarre. Sylvia gets booed at the end of the song as well. I can’t tell if that’s intentional or not.

Saz & Maz come back on. Saz is dressed in leather. This is a very wise choice, as is Maz’s purple dress. They pull out two Olympic medalists to kick off the voting. Oh boy, Saz has got a very tenuous grasp on presenting, especially when it isn’t in French.

Anyway, it’s the review, and to recap: Andorra was a letdown; La Ryan growled; Annet may very well make it through; Monaco was camp-tastic; Elenina Sky wasn’t that bad; Punch Bowl Hair made me remember my Socialist roots; Mullet Twink was talented but weird; Sibel kicked everybody’s asses and took their names; Karola was better than Carola & Carola Jr.; Lordi was more subdued than I thought it would be; Blaundabanda looked daft; LT United was asinine; Nonstop needs to kill whoever does their costumes; Carola screeched and really did nothing else of note; HMH shockingly impressed me; Sylvia managed to piss everybody in the arena off before even singing a word.

Maz coyly asks Saz to sing. Like she had to twist his arm. Like he would even want her to. (How you doin’?) Saz looks earnest as he sings some mid-tempo song with stupid lyrics. He pouts, taps his foot, stretches and that’s about it. It’s because he’s Sakis Rouvas and we are supposed to be in awe of him because he’s so pretty/handsome. I’m sorry Saz, but unless you have a gay sex tape available, you’re not always that fascinating.

One odd bit: Why does Maz pronounce “Eurovision” so oddly? That’s not how most Americans pronounce it. At least none that I have encountered.

It’s the interval now!

A woman dressed in gold with a mortar board floats up and away. A satyr (although frankly, it looks like Jay Kay) plays pan pipes while the dancers pretend to either be waves or fields. Then it’s a group of dancing women in folk costume. Jay Kay summons more folk dancers who line dance while a dancer dressed like a devil stomps about in the background. (This makes some sense. I don’t know which kind of sense, but it does make some.) The Folk Dancing Men lock arms and…folk dance. Interesting. I never knew that the slap your heel dance was done outside of Germany. Some of the Waving Fields put on skirts and pirouette. Other Waving Fields lift them up. Then everybody grabs a piece of cloth. End of Interval Performance.

Saz & Maz come back. Maz spouts out some statistics. Saz gets bitchy because he’s been in that position before. (Pun partly intended.)

Preview of the already decided finalists: Everybody will have their rear handed to them in the voting save for Norway, Germany (according to reports), the UK, Greece, and Croatia.

In probably the most asinine delay ever, they have the results handed to them via human chain. They still manage to delay them even further by doing a bunch of nonsense in deciding who says which result.

Russia gets through. Mullet Twink punches air.

Maz sings the theme to Jeopardy. Shut up, Maz.

Elenina Sky gets through. She runs about.

HMH gets through. They are understated and graceful.

Maz & Saz take forever to get to the next finalist.

Lithuania gets through. There is a chorus of boos. There’s a boo here as well.

Finland gets through. Lordi gestures aggressively.

Karola gets through. She also gets lifted by one of her dancers.

Ireland gets through. Brian Kennedy looks like he’s crying.

Sweden gets through. Carola flexes her muscle. I’m a bit surprised myself.

Turkey gets through. Thank god, I hated that wait.

Maz & Saz take ages to get to the last one.

Armenia gets through. The Unibrower pumps his fists. I am seriously astounded.

La Ryan is probably pissed as hell. I would be too, especially if I lost to the Reservoir Dogs and The Unibrower.

Jesus, those two know how to work things for maximum dramatic effect. I am now absolutely dreading seeing them slog their way through the voting.

It's Eurovision Week: 2006 Qualifier Pre-Show

The Hikaruland Pre-Show that is.

Wherein yours truly gives the lowdown on who might be going onto Saturday, whose dreams end on Thursday, and how happy/pissed off I am about it.

A disclaimer: This is a guess based on reports, my impressions of the song, and is most likely heavily coloured by the fact that I'm in New York while all the fun is in Athens. Read it with a view to laugh.

• Armenia: The Unibrower and his unique approach to English pronunciation will not make it. Probably won't even get remotely close when the votes are revealed.
• Bulgaria: No, but will outdo Caffe.
• Slovenia: Jazz Hands won't make it, it'll be close but no. Slovenia will be in both the Qualifier and Final next year though.
• Andorra: As much as I love this song--and I really do, to the point that if I ever get the chance to do so, I'd employ it as a theme song for a film or TV show, Andorra will continue to be stuck in the Qualifier. (Conspiracy theory: There is one pissed off or deranged choreographer that RTVA continues to employ for their entries. Dump her or him and watch Andorra go to the Final. Why else would great songs be so poorly received?)
• Belarus: Po just might make it, but Belarus will be back in the Qualifier in 2008.
• Albania: The reports from Athens aren't giving The Twink a shot, but I think he'll get through if they emphasise his inoffensive sex appeal or the comedy of seeing him dance with a group of overweight men in folk costumes.
• Belgium: Won't make it. The reports say she's sounding horrible, and this isn't that hard of a song to muck up. 2 to 1 the video will be playing in Splash come August though.
• Ireland: They keep on saying the dirge will make it based on the songs preceding it. I don't think so. It'll be on the cusp of making it though.
• Cyprus: No. Just no.
• Monaco: The reports have this in the acrid category. I think it'll go through for these two reasons: 1) it's the first upbeat song after two ballads; and 2) If you're going to be a disaster, then go all out and it appears that they are. (Plus, the disaster known as Taylor is about to win American Idol, so lord knows how screwy the world of musical shows with televoting are these days.)
• Macedonia: They're going through. The Macedonian song always goes through to the Final. It never stays there, but it always goes through. Elenina Sky need only worry about possible copyright infringement.
• Poland: Punch Bowl Hair and the Princesses will go through. The song is just that cloying.
• Russia: All the reports say that The Mullet Twink and his weird approximation of the English language is going down a storm. I don't see it personally, but I'll give him a 50/50 shot.
• Turkey: Hell yes, she's going through. She's not going to win the Qualifier nor the Final, but she's going through and Turkey will be in the Final next year.
• Ukraine: The reports say that the Permanent Smile Known As Tina Karol (or perhaps just Karola) is knocking people dead with her performance as opposed to the song itself. Frankly, I don't know why they changed the song and lyrics from the camptastic "I'm Your Queen," but I see her going through, although performing after Turkey will make it close.
• Finland: All the reports have lost their ever-loving minds over Gwar-goes-to-Eurovision. It's distinctive as hell and they're going through, if not winning the Qualifier easily. Helsinki 2007 looks probable.
• Netherlands: I saw Blaundabanda (my nickname for Tremble) do a rehearsal today on "ESC TV." They were weak and chaotic. Just get the writers from "Hemel En Aarde" back and do an internal selection. Unlike Monaco, this song isn't going to be a camp disaster, and that's where the Monegasques have an edge.
• Lithuania: No, you're aren't the winners. In fact, you might not even get remotely near qualifying. Honestly, LRTV, send Saules Kilosas and then you'll escape the Qualifier.
• Portugal: The reports say they won't, I say they might get through. Some advice for RTP: Send a song that the Portugese public likes. Something that is like what one would hear on Portugese radio. Either that--and I know this is a controversial and highly unlikely option--or recruit a semi-famous Brasilian singer or band and go all Katrina and The Waves on the rest of Europe next year. A bucketload of Samba drums is all you need.
• Sweden: So Carola is now saying she was unfairly misquoted and scarred with the Scarlet H for Homophobe. Doesn't change the fact that this is rather boring song and performance...even in Swedish. So don't go courting the gay vote, m'dear. Oh yes, Carola will sail through to the Final, but Amina will have her long-awaited revenge come Saturday.
• Estonia: See you next year, Carola Jr. If "Invincible" is boring, then lord knows that "Through My Window" is practically comatose by comparison. Serves them right for not going for "Issendale."
• Bosnia & Herzegovina: The reports are mixed. Some say it's probably going to go through, others say it'll get close but not make it. I'm with the latter. That said, HMH's ballad is better than La Kennedy's, but to me that's like saying this arsenic is better than that other one.
• Iceland: Another one with mixed reports. If she goes unabashedly trashy, then yes. If she doesn't camp it up, then no.

So, in review:

To the Final

• Monaco
• Poland
• Turkey
• Ukraine
• Finland
• Sweden
• Macedonia

Lucky sods fighting for the remaining 3 slots left:

• Belarus
• Albania
• Belgium
• Russia
• Portugal
• Iceland

And I think it's going to be a threeway deathmatch between Belgium, Portugal, and Belarus.

Everybody else:

• Screwed.

Update: Well, 6 out of 10 isn't that bad. (Please don't kill me, La Ryan.)

Tony Nominations 2006: Ehhh

For those who care. This past season is one big shrug of indifference for me. There's really nothing worth parting with $50+ for.

It's Eurovision Week: The Glossary

What's that sound all the way over in Greece?

It's the sound of various performers and Eurovision fans descending upon the fair city of Athens for 7+ hours of music, mayhem, and camp.

Despite not being certain if TVE Internacional is carrying Eurovision this year (and they'd better--I can justify paying for QTN, but TVE-I will be vetted intensely if they don't), I'll be doing reviews/recaps of both the Qualifier and the Final Round as I did last year.

In order to avoid carpal tunnel (and for amusement purposes...okay mostly for amusement purposes), I'm going to be employing nicknames whenever possible. Here's a list.

The Qualifier

• Andre: The Unibrower (Why oh why did Armenian TV not go for the Cher & Colton Ford combination?)
• Anžej Dežan: Jazz Hands (Project Runway is over, so the whole "Slo-Nick" nickname holds little water now.)
• Polina Smolova: Po (If she's being lazy by shortening a song called "Mama" to "Ma," then I can do the same to her name...plus it's ironic gold, given the farce that are national finals in Belarus)
• Luiz Ejlli: The Twink (Need I explain why?)
• Kate Ryan: La Ryan (for camp value)
• Séverine Ferrer: Séverine (échoué) (Ah hell, I'll just call her Séverine.)
• Elena Risteska: Elenina Sky (If you've listened to "Move Ya Body" you know why.)
• Ich Troje: Punch Bowl Hair and The Princesses (Well that's what they look like!)
• Dima Bilan: The Mullet Twink (I'm not in any way shape or form trendy, but for pete's sake! Cut it off!)
• Sandra: Carola Jr.
• Hari Mata Hari: HMH (I was going to go for Hary Myler Hore, but he's a good egg.)

The Final

• Six4One: The International Union of Pretty Popsters or IUPP (I really have to give credit to the crew at OnEurope for this one.)
• Arsenium: Arse (It works on so many levels.)
• Fabrizio Faniello: A Twink Called Fab or just Fabbo.
• Anna Vissi: La Vissi (I wouldn't dare call her anything else.)
• Severina: Seve, aka Severina from the block

For Eurosong Addicts

My favourite in-the-thick-of-it sarky and sweet behind-the-scenes Eurovision blog, OnEurope Live is up and running.

Eurovision Rehearsals get the Television Without Pity treatment.

Stop by and give 'em a couple of hits...in the nice way of course.

The View Post-Mortem: Don't Ever Forget Your Cigarette Case Again!

Frequent readers of this piece of the internet know that I smoke. I'm not a chain smoker by any means, but nicotine is in my system.

Around 1999, my mother gave me a cigarette case as a present. I cherish it to this very day. Even though on average (meaning non-writing periods) I only have 4 cigarettes a day, I carry that cigarette case with me whenever I leave the house. Call it a lucky charm or superstition or what have you, I just feel weird leaving the apartment without it even though I rarely ever use it.

Well, I forgot it this time.

It didn't really matter to me that I didn't have the case on my person until The View screened Grace Jones's "Slave to The Rhythm."

Let me explain.

I love that song, but given the fact that I wasn't even a tween by the time it came about, I never saw the video. I've always loved the song, but never saw the video until recently. Good god, that video disturbed me something chronic.

You see, this is what I used to think of "Slave to the rhythm."



However, the actual video itself, frankly disturbed me.



I guess I wasn't prepared for seeing all the variations of Topsy combined with Grace shooting herself at the end*. (To make matters even worse, The View was playing an extended remix version.)

* I might be a bit hypocritical here, since I've used a fair amount of violence in my work.

It's funny, I completely get the original uncensored version of "American Life..."



...because while it is extremely gory, I do also realise that W and his war mongering is only a brief, albeit dark, moment to deal with. (I also agree with the lyrics as well.)

The video for "Slave to the rhythm," however, reminds me of how long the images of the time when black people meant nothing are still lingering. Honestly, it's solely related to the images, because you cannot divine the images based on the lyrics, except in the most vague, abstract sense.

And no, I don't blame Grace Jones nor even the video's director. Their whole point was to be shocking.

It's just that the fact that it is still shocking to me, lo these many years later, that gets to me. So you'll hopefully understand why I was cursing the fact that I couldn't take my discomfort and frustration out on some tobacco.

Thank You, La Perry

That was the last straw, Queen!

It is after 2 in the morning and I can barely sleep. I'm haunted by the image of a smirking Tyler Perry on yesterday's Good Day New York, where he shucked, jived, and oh-gollyed his way through an interview promoting his new daft sitcom.

La Perry's smarmy attitude reawoke something that I thought would stay dormant for a little while longer: my desire to get "back" into television. I say "back," since I never really was technically in it, but TV and film writing was my focus in college and quite frankly up until 2001, I thought I was going to enter the chaos that is the TV world. Playwriting came along at that time and I reckoned that it would be better to cut my teeth in theatre for several years before that. Well, my self-imposed sabbatical is now over (I took some time off after grad school) ended after seeing that interview and I'm ready to start taking names.

God help me, I'm going to write a spec script, a complete original, not just a spec episode. Though trust me, I'm going to do my damn best to stay in theatre as often as possible.

Years from now, I'll hopefully remember that sleepless May night where everything old became new again.

Writers, to your pens and keyboards!

From 365gay's Today in History:

"May 7, 2004 - Birmingham, Alabama police say gang of drag queens behind series of daring daylight car thefts from auto dealerships. The cars were used to make glittering appearances at drag competitions throughout the South and then abandoned. "

I'm not good at comedy writing, but there are those much more talented than I who could turn out an amazing piece with this story.

All I ask is for a thank you in the acknowledgements.

Quote of the Season #4

"I don't know if we're meant to be the leader, the fool, or the bellwether of the nation. I wonder if the [Wisconsin GOP] politicians and people even care about the state's image outside of its borders."

Myself, in an email, after reading this article and watching a History Channel documentary on infamous canniballistic murders (of which 2/3 of the cases featured were set in Wisconsin).

Quote of the Season #3

"What kind of world are we destroying by seeking to create homogenous children?"

From the quickly cancelled (and surprisingly good) television drama, Century City.

Quotes of the Season #2

"I decided to make my part campy because I initially thought that it was going to be really dark and really intense and then it just turned out to be completely different. So instead of going in that direction, I decided to make it so that drag queens would want to dress as my character on Halloween."

"You must carry the consequences that come with the freedom you take in making certain decisions. You shouldn't risk your authenticity by saying things like 'Sure but that's not really what I wanted to do.' You should say, 'Yeah, that's what I meant!' or at least admit that you actually made that decision and you want to defend your movie because of that."

- Gina Gershon and Paul Verhoeven (respectively) on Showgirls (from the book Fiasco, by James Robert Parrish).

"What about your body?"

- Mike Woods to "Endurance Artist" David Blaine this morning, about his submersion stunt.

"Have the (HOLE) day off from work..into most scenes from mild to wild"

- Personal ad read this morning during aforementioned stunt.

"We're gonna show you how to throw a Latin pool party."

- Al Roker on this morning's Today Show

Release-The View-Splash Post-Mortem: After Midnight

Well, I have to say it's a bit strange to go out after Midnight, but that was the challenge I gave myself last week and I did.

The night started off at Release, and curiosity of all curiosities I find myself sitting in the same spot with the same bartender that served me the week before. One would think I'm developing a crush on him, and one would be partially right. It's one of those odd mixes of lust and jealousy. He's roughly my height, but lean as hell, which is physically impossible for me to pull off due to genetics.

Before I started drooling on the counter, I moved onto The View, which was fortunately playing videos, and unfortunately, a bit crowded. The combination of which led me to have my drink and get myself to Splash.

Sadly, Doug was not there, or if he was, I didn't see him. It was probably a bit of a blessing since I proceeded to get relatively trashed. How trashed was I? I was dancing shirtless to reggaeton--frequently with this random guy who I could never manage to find off of the dancefloor, and I wound up licking the ear of one of the bartenders.

So yes, Virginia, Cinderella Hour exists, and it can happen to you.

May Day: For Peace, For Respect, For Solidarity

I'm going to let the music speak for me today.

Granted, this is filed under a section called "Songs for Communist Youth," and I think the Communists are a little out there, but the sentiment is in the right place.

The other song is the (in)famous "Red Flag," whose lyrics for the most part do still ring a bit true today, especially these two verses:

"It waved above our infant might,
When all ahead seemed dark as night;
It witnessed many a deed and vow,
We must not change its colour now.

It well recalls the triumphs past,
It gives the hope of peace at last;
The banner bright, the symbol plain,
Of human right and human gain."

Sunday Jukebox Is Addicted

Eyeshadow overload and slightly catlike appearance aside, Laura gave one of the best performances at the 2002 Eurovision in Estonia. Unfortunately, it didn't quite burn up the scoreboard on the night.

This is the preview video version, which was fortunately free of the bizarre Finnish flag tribute ensemble she wore at the Suurhall.

The Sushi Conflict

The Moonies are involved with sushi, which may mean having to give it up. Granted, this isn't that huge of a sacrifice--since I'm allergic to fish with gills--but it's an annoying one.

The other option is drilling every place that I go to about who their supplier is, and life is too damn short.

I don't know why this is a boycott I'm going to follow. In general, I believe boycotts can be a slippery slope, because oftentimes they don't take into account the shades of gray at work. For example, although ABC/Disney airs The 700 Club on ABC Family (and that whole Focus on the Family episode of Extreme Makeover), it's also a company that employs probably the most visible contingent of out gay reporters, and has been at the forefront of gay programming going all the way back to thirtysomething. Let's not even start with Gay Days--this company is defintiely on our side.

Another prime example, the Caribbean: While I agree with the boycott of Jamaica, The Cayman Islands, and The Bahamas, I have trouble buying the St. Martin/Maarten boycott and the extremists that call for a boycott of the entire region. Now, I definitely sympathise with families and friends of Jefferson and Smith, and I have issues with the nature of Caribbean tourism itself, but from what I've read and heard so far--and I say this, fully aware that testimony/-ies may arise that might cause me to reverse this opinion--it strikes me as boycotting France and The Netherlands. Chris Crain was bashed in Amsterdam last year and there wasn't the same sort of outcry. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that it's in "our backyard" or if there is some type of subconscious racial politicking playing out, but it just doesn't seem to add up in my head.

Yes, the attackers should be brought to justice, as quickly and as strictly as allowed under the law. I needn't mention that. Yet, let us remember that there have been vicious attacks here in New York as recently as last year. Even after Sakia Gunn's tragic murder, we haven't heard of people refusing to visit the Greater New York area. We haven't heard of people refusing to visit Northern California because of what happened to Gwen Araujo, and unless I've been missing something, there was no boycott of Austin.

I watch NBC, even though I know General Electric is one of the biggest supporters of the GOP. I've stayed in Marriott hotels even though the Marriott family is extremely and financially close to the Mormons. I don't give anybody any grief about using Bayer, despite their checkered past, nor do I shun the merchants in my hometown in Wisconsin, even though they have continually put Sensenbrenner back in power for years.

So it comes back to why isn't sushi given this same exception.

Perhaps on some level, it is guilt. I agree that the concept of a boycott is a noble one. I've participated in several, one of which was a wholly personal one against GNC after a hysterical and bigoted shop clerk called the local police on my father under the misguided belief that he was "casing the joint" in order to rob them. (Little did she know that my father was a good friend of many of the officers and the police department in general due to his work as a Rotary member.) Even though I still go out of my way to avoid using GNC anywhere in the world, I do know that not all of the franchises are to blame.

Maybe, sometimes, enough is enough, and maybe it's worth the effort to ask who the supplier is.

Thursday Jukebox Looks Long Ago and Far Away

A rarity, two non-JPop and non-Eurovision related entries.

I am not a crying person by any stretch of the imagination, but I did lose it the first time I heard "Superstar."



And to lighten the mood, something "Truly Outrageous."

Goodbye Met Life Clock

I had adopted a stance of "ignore it and it will go away" in respect to the building going up across the street.

I can't anymore.

The construction is now blocking my view of the clock on the Met Life Tower and they've still got 16 more floors left.

Dammit, I'll miss you Met Life Tower, you spunky skyscraper. I always liked you better than the Empire State.

Fools in the Sun

It's a rainy Sunday and I'm catching up on some shows on my DVR. One of them is a Destination HD episode on the Dominican Republic. I like this show because unlike many travelogues they try to paint a real honest picture of a place with both the beauty and the warts alike. After hearing several Dominicans talk about how difficult it is to make ends meet, the show moves onto a coastal town where they talk to a German man who bought the villa previously owned by Falco. He's asked about the poverty that co-exists around him.

This is his response:

"There is a lot of poverty around here, we all know that. But we shouldn't measure ourselves against that. We just want to live our lives here in the Caribbean as pleasantly as we can, in the standard we know from home. That's something that we have to keep up!"

Excuse me?

It doesn't bother him that the majority of Dominicans are struggling to put food on the table? What sort of plantation mindset is that? He's so Marie Antoinette about it, that I want to just yank him by his naff ponytail and see how he could survive on a 20 peso a day salary.

Really, if you're going to live in an ivory tower, fine. Just be cognizant that you are living in one and that a "let them eat cake" attitude will come to bite you in the ass sooner rather than later.

Why He's Called Slo-Nick

Nick Verreos




















Anžej Dežan

A Delayed Reaction

If you had seen me on the street yesterday, you wouldn't have had any idea what I was going through.

I was re-evaluating all that had transpired since 2002, and finally beginning to deal with it.

Here's the backstory: Around the time of my father's death I was heavily infatuated with a man that I'll call M. In fact, it would be safe to say that M was the first person outside of my family who I could open up to. He seemed to seek it out, taking a very strong interest in how I viewed the world and what my views were on a myriad of topics, basically interested in knowing my emotional side. This was made all the more interesting because as a horny 22 year old at the time, I was initially more interested in having sex with him than talking about feelings. (Note: we never did have sex.)

Nonetheless, walls broke down and he got in. When my father died, the first person I called after receiving the news was M, who was eerily calm and collected about it. (Granted, I was as well.) No call while I was back in Wisconsin, nor email to see how I'm doing. In fact, M--who lives a bicoastal existence--absented himself for several months. Reappearing on a rainy Spring night to invite me for a post-dinner drink. I gladly went. The conversation was rather unremarkable and we went our separate ways afterwards. Again, no contact for several months until that Summer, when he responded to my email that I would be out in California for a weekend in August.

We attended a classmate's play and afterwards, he shook my hand (6 months ago we were kissing in public, something completely out of character for me) and disappeared again. This time he disappeared for 2 years. Although I wrote a play partially about him and his hot-and-cold stance, I thought I had exorcised the pain that had had wrought. Then in the summer of 2004, he reappeared in of all places the 79th street station on the 1 line. We talked, partly caught up, and the whole time he gave me this look that said "why haven't we spoken in such a long time?" He wanted to see if we could have dinner again and to get in contact with him to arrange a time. I sent an email with my availability and...nothing.

Well, M reappeared again this past Monday. I was making my way from Newark Airport back to Manhattan and he was right next to me on the platform and on the train. We talked, we share a brief laugh, and there was yet another invitation for me to have dinner with him. While I was sitting down at the computer to ostensibly give him my availability, I started wondering.

Why did this man haunt me?

I kept thinking and thinking, and finally it dawned upon me. He was the first person I had ever opened up to on a deeper level. When he disappeared, I interpreted it as a rejection of who I am as a person inside. While M did not cause my previous relationship to fail, I do understand why my ex mentioned that I could be unbelievably cold on occasion. It was self-protection.

M once told me that he had mentioned to a friend of his that "[I] could be great person, if [I] could ever get out of [my] head." At the time, I remember being flattered that at least I was getting mentioned by M. What I've come to realise now, is that in the greater scheme of things, he was saying that I had not opened up to him or to the world at large.

Which is how I found myself wandering around yesterday analysing how that fear of being hurt again had affected my life. It had, in more areas than just in my lovelife. I had never sought to promote my work the way that my colleagues do. I avoided any challenges or opportunities that I didn't have full or at least majority control over.

M had, in my opinion, sought me out as someone to get emotionally intimate with and then disappear as if I was another notch on his bedpost. Had we just slept together after that one chance meeting back in December 2001, then maybe I would've been spared this. Yet, I don't mind it now. Without a doubt, someone with a higher EQ than mine would've come to this conclusion much earlier. Nonetheless, I remember one thing that I have always said when asked to console someone: "Everything that has transpired has lead us to this point, and this is where we are supposed to be."

So a wounded optimistic I will be.

Quote of the Season #1

From Stewart Lewis's Rockstarlet:

"I knew it was a sickness, but part of me was sad that all the dreams I'd pinned on Timothy were over. It wasn't that I missed him so much anymore--he was acting like too much of a freak for that. But I still wanted a good, solid relationship so much. I knew it was dumb to fall for strange guys and expect it to be all joy and rapture."

You'd Better Work!

Severina does actually have a proper video for "Moja Štikla," and I'll say this, she's got La Ryan beat by country-mile in the video stakes.




Meanwhile, some daft MP is claiming that La Vissi's video is offensive to Greeks and Europeans. I think the video is a million times better than the song, frankly.

Sod The Cat

There are murders going unsolved.

There are generals calling for Rumsfeld's head.

There are politicians lining their pockets with the people's money.

There's a death related to dust exposure at Ground Zero.

And the top story for WNBC on Good Friday is about a damn cat being freed from the wall in the West Village.

NBC stations across the country seem to be afflicted with misguided priorities.

(By the way--even if you don't live in Milwaukee--Tim Cuprisin is honestly one of the best no-holds-barred TV columnists out there, and worth reading.)

Verdammnt

(Apologies to all German-speakers)

The saga of the police raids in Chelsea continues. Take note of the incident at Steel Gym.

Eurovision 2006 Preview Video Showdown: Finale

So who were the best and the worst of the preview videos, according to this little corner of the Internet?

The Best

1. Finland
2. Belgium
3. Greece
4. Turkey
5. Bulgaria (sorry, but sex sells)

The Worst

1. Spain
2. Monaco
3. Albania
4. Switzerland (for sheer gall)
5. Every single country that took the cheap way out (I'm looking at you harshly Croatia, Norway, and Poland).

Honourable Mentions

1. Andorra
2. Iceland

Dishonourable Mentions

1. Russia
2. Lithuania

I still think La Ryan is going to take the lot, followed closely by Fabrizio, Severina, and La Vissi. I can live with liking the winner and the 3rd place finisher.

Eurovision 2006 Preview Video Showdown: Part 5

S to U + France

• Slovenia: As Sestre's promo materials in 2002 attested, "Slovenia is the only country with 'love' in it." That said, I do not have to love Slo-Nick, except as a fey car crash. Perhaps trying to capitalise on the success of "Energy" in 2001--for many people the song didn't become a contender until they saw the video--RTVSLO has trotted out a sort of A' version of the same video. Granted it makes sense, since the writers are the same, the tempo is the same, and in some parts of the song the melody is the same. The only real difference is the gender of the person singing it. Whereas La Derenda had gothic architecture surrounding her, Slo-Nick (oh, how I so want to call him La Dežan) has fields and coastlines. His hair is spiked so much that I think it's yet another homage to "Energy." Then all of a sudden it switches to Slo-Nick in front of a blue backdrop sporting a mohawk and ridiculous blond streaks. Oh jesus, then the song goes uptempo and into camp overdrive. Slo-Nick starts switching his hips while dressed like a FIT reject's idea of pirate clothes. The poor lad even does jazz hands and pops his eyes while singing "will it be forever?" God, I hope not. (Just remember, this could have been the breasts that performed "Mandoline.")
• Spain: There is an advert running here to get people to buy diamonds. It consists of some happy-go-lucky American couple in Trafalgar Square. The man says "I'd marry you again in front of all these people." The wife expresses shock as it is soon revealed that her parents are present along with a whole bunch of other people that they know. We are supposed to think it is romantic. It is actually vomit-inducing. While the Spanish entry isn't that bad, it's pretty acrid. Let's deal with the song first: it's limp and having it "sung" (well, I would call it screeching, but that's just me) by 4 women with a vague relationship to the key, doesn't help its cause. I love the lyrics, which seem to celebrate alcohol, shopping, and infidelity: " I left him high and dry/He has the gift of gab/I can be an underground low life/But my heart has spoken:/Duty free, duty free, duty free." However, the video is C.H.E.A.P. It's the Ketchup girls--dressed like fashion disasters--sashaying in front of various watercolour backdrops like it's 1986. Ay! TVE just get Andermay and at least pretend that you're trying.
• Sweden: Melodifestivalen performance. Deranged homophobic zealot with a wind machine (again), raspy voice, and key changes. I think we've all been here before.
• Switzerland: A whole bunch of soloists walking around a palm-fringed paradise that cannot possibly be remotely near Switzerland. So that they don't feel guilty about the fact that 99.9% of this video is pretty people in a sunny paradise singing about charity, there's a shot of Tinka helping an old woman with her bags. Still, the main focus is on hard bodies and melisma.
• Turkey: Very psychedelic and one of the better songs this year. Sibel sounds similar to Madonna and looks similar to Gwen Stefani. (And yes, I know that Gwen & Madonna are distant relatives of each other.) How to describe this video? Well, it's basically a collage of very striking images (think any video from The Shamen) : Sibel on a star, Sibel in coloured lights, Sibel in a top hat, etc. Basically, it's "look at me," which is appropriate since the song is called "Superstar," and this isn't from the Karen Carpenter lonely heart's perspective.
• Ukraine: It's attack of the Bouncy Hair Woman! Watch out, she's got a throaty voice, black gloves, and step dancing skills to knock you out. To be honest, this video is pretty generic. Tina dances on the dance floor, sways about, smiles about a mile wide, and sings "show me your love." Frankly, all it's coasting on is cuteness, which given the fact that this year is full of entrants who look like they've been around the block and back umpteen times, is probably an advantage.
• United Kingdom: National Final performance. Since the backing "singers" are blatantly miming, this will obviously be different come next month. Anyway, five grown women dressed in school uniforms sing the chorus and then Daz comes out (npi). He actually is ten times more engaging than the schoolgirls. He also raps pretty quickly, so I only have the slightest inkling as to what he's saying. For some inexplicable reason, I really like this. It won't win, but it'll do well.
• France: Live performance, since she chucked the National Final song--which was pretty damn good, in my opinion. It's Virginie and a microphone. Singing a ballad. Normally, this irks the living daylights out of me, but this style of song and performance has been a part of French culture since Piaf (if not earlier) and lord knows, Virginie pulls it off. How so? She actually does an excellent job communicating the song. Lyrics are not just noise, they do have meaning and guess what, poppets? You are supposed to show in your face that you understand the meaning. Won't win, but could signal a return to the 2001-02 run of high scores for France.

History Repeating

With much of the current debate about immigration centered around the fact that supposedly "Americans won't do these jobs," it all seems reminescent of the plight of the Helots of Messenia.

I am not as educated nor as coherent as the author of the linked article, but much as the US found out during the Civil Rights Struggles of the 1950's and 1960's, a society cannot exist if there is a two-tier system that keeps groups disenfranchised.

The tension of the future--as it stands now--will be rich versus poor, and we must be willing to accept that things must change so that we are all equal.

You Made Me Like You

A perky ad campaign that really did not sell anything but Rebecca Romijn would normally be big on my "must miss" list, but goddammit I actually like Pepper Dennis.

1. I'm a sucker for any television show set in the world of television itself. (Although, as sacrilegious as this sounds, I never really enjoyed The Mary Tyler Moore Show.)
2. The writing is actually pretty witty and funny, in the vein of Grosse Pointe (so please don't screw this up like you did that gem, WB/CW) .
3. Despite a blatant detour from reality (a reporter swears oncamera and only gets a suspension?) , the show still has merit beyond that.

It's the sort of television show I would write, if the main character was a drunk bisexual male reporter working for Canadian television.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have no relationship with The WB, UPN, or the CBS Corporation, beyond watching CBS News Sunday Morning.

Eurovision 2006 Preview Video Showdown: Part 4

N to P

• Netherlands: National Final performance. I'm really going to call this one as I see it: A bunch of blonde women beating drums and singing nonsense. It's children's music basically. Sure, it's catchy, but it's extremely saccharine. Considering that Belgium gave us the surprise 2nd place finisher "Sanomi" in 2003, I would definitely say the bar has been raised for songs in made-up languages...and this falls very short. Bring back Edsilia, Nederland.
  
  
  
  
• Norway: National Final performance. (Wow, NRK is really stingy with the money when they have a multi-week MGP it seems.) Since I've already tracked Christine's journey to her MGP win, I'll just add that she's still stunning, and the song is one of the few decent ballads (lyrically and musically) in a year full of "I-love-you-don't-you-love-me" dirges.
• Poland: Yet another National Final performance, and from TVP as well! They usually manage to come up with the most amazing videos. Tsk, tsk. Anyway, Pretty Brunette sings "I Follow My Heart;" The Rapper snarls "I Follow My Heart;" Pretty Blonde #1 sings "I Follow My Heart;" Pretty Blonde #2 sings "I Follow My Heart," and it all goes downhill from there. First, The Rapper proceeds to rap in Spanglish--and rips off the lyrics to "Gasolina" (Daddy Yankee could so take this guy.) Then Kool-Aid Hair (with added streaks of silver) and his voice of gravel and shredded glass starts singing. I must add that everybody onstage is dressed like the days of the Court of Prussia have never ended. In the interest of being positive, I will say that I like this slightly better than last year's Polish entry although that certainly had a better stage show.
• Portugal: Guess what? It's a National Final performance, but considering that most Portuguese entries get previews from their national final, I'm not as annoyed as I am with Poland. I really want to like this song, but there are a lot of barriers to doing so. For starters, the music sounds like something straight out of a Teachers' Talent Night. Secondly, I know these women can sing, but giving them a routine best suited for rural Nebraskan cheerleaders isn't doing them any favours. On the upside, the switch from English to Portuguese and back is flawless, even better than last year.
• Romania: Finally, an original video! Mihai goes through a labyrinth aided by shots that make it look like he's on PCP. Going "heeeeee-a-heeeee" in a falsetto at the beginning doesn't do any help dispel this thought. So what's in this labyrinth? Acrobats, musclemen, fire-eaters, snake-charmers, and clowns. Now, I'm not saying that this is what the director was going for with this video, but consider this equation: dance music, plenty of shots of shirtless men, snake-like corridors? They know their audience. The song still makes no sense, but it also makes me not care about that fact at all.
• Russia: I don't know if there's one person who has directed all of the Russian preview videos over the past two years, but I'm beginning to think that he or she needs to break out of their comfort zone. Why? Well, in 2004, the video featured Julia Savicheva faux-performing in front of a screaming audience. 2005, the video featured La Podolskaya doing the same. This year, Dima "Twinky" Bilan does the same. Dima is a fashion disaster--and if a self-proclaimed fashion ignoramus like myself notices, then it's bad. His hair is styled into a mullet and the jeans-white tank top combination makes him look eerily like La Podolskaya from behind. Then there's his performance. Maybe it's me, but from what I can make out from the lyrics (Dima has got atrocious pronunciation, which is a shame, because Russian-accented English can sound melodic and crisp to Anglophone ears.), he shouldn't be grinning and smiling while singing "Never let you go...flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone." This ballad is really all surface and no substance. Considering that last year, La Podolskaya kicked ass singing about school violence, a generic "why-don't-you-love-me" Enrique-Iglesias wannabe ballad is a step in the wrong direction. Still, Twinky will be in the final, just you watch.

Next Time: Slo-Nick tries to make us notice that he is "Mr. Nobody," Las Ketchup gets giddy about alcohol and duty free (and despite those being 2 of my favourite things, it leaves me cold), Homophobic religious nut claims invincibility, The "Swiss" entry try to guilt us (ha!), Turkey oozes coolness from all corners, Ukraine shows us Tina Karol's love and hair extensions, the UK raps about teenage angst, and France's time has come...despite the fact that the other song was probably better (at least to my ears).

The Conundrum of Chelsea

Ok, so you want to live in the middle of all the action? Good.

Sign right here on the dotted line and you too, will have your own over-priced apartment within easy walking distance of all the bars and clubs you could ever want to visit.

Oh, you want all the noise to stop by 10 PM so you can get some rest? Sure, just call the NYPD and they'll fix it for you in 9 months time.

Of course, you'll wind up shuttering a fair amount of the bars and clubs that attracted you to the neighbourhood in the first place, and therefore start complaining again that there's nothing to do at night that doesn't require a long subway or taxi ride; but, who cares? As long as you're happy and your parents keep paying for your apartment, then all is right with world.

It's not like I'm all that suprised that steroids and guns were involved all of this, but it does seem to me like the police were looking for a way to justify the closings by getting some of these drug buys to occur in certain locations (or vice versa). If the police captain himself said "he's going to be adversarial," then what can you expect?

And you thought Tammany Hall was long gone.

Wednesday Jukebox Goes Balkan

This will be a rather ballad heavy jukebox, but at least they are stand out ballads. However, we start upbeat with Ivana Banfic's performance of "Daj Povedi Me" from Jugovizija 1991, a performance that could clearly be straight out of Paris Is Burning. What's the Croatian equivalent of "Chante'! Chante'! Chante'?"




Next we go to 1975 and the first ever Turkish entry "Seninle Bir Dakika" as performed by Semiha Yanki. Now to all you songwriters and singers out there, this is a love song. She's talking about just a single minute with her beloved. She is racked by so much desire and heartache that just being able to see them for a sodding minute makes life worth living. That desire is such a part of her being that she can barely stand up by the end of the song. That, comrades, is emoting with the best of them. Not to mention that the melody itself can chill you down to the bone.



And finally going even further back to 1971 and Krunoslav Slabinac's performance of "Tvoj dječak je tužan" or "your boy is sad." This is true heartache. Poor Kico has lost his other half and basically throwing himself further into shock. He talks about "the night being long and dark like pain." His bed is empty, he can't sleep, his hair is rendered practically immobile.This man's journey is over. Those lo-fi emo kids ain't got nothing on Kico's pain, I tell you.

The Stonewall Post-Mortem: The Two Eternal Gay Male Questions

1. Why do tops have trouble believing that others are tops as well?
2. Can you really kiss someone while in the throes of anal sex?

So I'm (top #1) at The Stonewall after 10, which is pretty radical for me, and I wind up in conversation with a man visiting from San Francisco (top #2). As I always have found to be the truth, after midnight the conversation turns to sex. It starts with a story from the bartender (top #3) who relates a story of a guy he was having sex with. It turns out that this guy wanted him to kiss him while in the midst of thrusting his penis inside him. The bartender said this was logistically impossible.

"Oh no," said the visitor, "it's totally possible."

"I'm sorry, it isn't" said the playwright.

For five minutes we debated this. The bartender and I coming to the conclusion that it is only possible if you are missing a rib and/or can perform auto-fellatio. The sheer logistics of anal sex make it too uncomfortable for a guy to kiss someone--unless there is a significant height difference--while penetrating.

We're not talking flicking of the tongues here, I mean a serious full-on tongue-touching-tonsils kiss.

Finally, since: a) I wanted to prove myself right on this matter, and b) had openly stated that I would bottom for a friend (despite the fact that I derive no erotic pleasure from it at all), I offered to illustrate the problem--live & completely clothed.

I laid down on the stool and put my legs around the tourist's neck while he positioned himself as penitrator. He leaned down to kiss me and declared his victory.

"Not so fast," I said, "your crotch was nowhere near my hole."

"Yes, it was" said he.

"No, it wasn't."

He put his finger on the spot where he believed my opening was.

"That's my scrotum."

He moved it again.

"That's still my scrotum."

He moved it around all of three more times and each time still managed to hit my scrotum--and it's not like I have a freakishly huge one either.

New Yorkers: 1, San Franciscans: 0.

As for question #1, it must be pointed out that the entire conversation was peppered with a great many "yeah, right, you're a top" statements directed from one to another.

Hair

I have just had relaxer put in my hair, after a nearly 7 year hiatus.

Some inexplicable force inside me beckoned me to do it, because I haven't had a haircut since February, and the thought of another shave-athon seemed banal.

When I was younger, I used to hate my hair. It was never kinky enough to support anything even remotely resembling an afro or proper fade. It also isn't straight enough for me to style it that way. Barring her militant period, my mother always relaxed her hair. Conversely, my father kept his hair close-cut. I just experimented all the time.

In high school, I started out with a high top that was more like a medium top and ended with relaxed hair down to my neck.

In college, the humidity of the Home Counties put a quick kibosh to the relaxing, since I looked like a deranged militant. Not exactly the best image to show to the world, especially when one is a hardcore leftist. So I started getting it cut close again.

When I returned to the US, I resumed the relaxing. I thought it looked decent, until I realised that in order to keep it under control at night, I had to wear a nightcap. It was at that point that I just decided to screw it all and just get it all cut off.

The funny thing through all this is that so often others tried to imprint their beliefs of "black coolness" onto my hair, as if my follicles and what I did with them were public domain.

"You should get dreadlocks!"

"Wear a 'fro, man."

"Dude, cornrows."

Apart from telling me that I really hung with too many people who liked to ape surfer-speak, I had to wonder why they felt the need to box me into their definition of what a black man should like.

Some guys can wear locs (I will never call them "dreads" anymore, courtesy of a friend schooling me via her play) and come out stunning. I'm not one of them. I don't have the wherewithal to maintain them properly. You see, they are meant to be striking and awe-inspiring and most importantly, they are to be treated right. I also suspect that my hair could never get tight enough to support them.

The same applies to cornrows. I don't know about you, but I can't fathom spending several hours to nearly a day while someone works on my hair. What do you talk about? What do you do when you need to use the bog? And how do you get rid of the guilt of taking up that much of someone's time?

Then there's the proverbial afro. It seems that too many people have seen too many blaxplotation films and think that the afro is a sign of being badass. No, it's not. It is a sign of one's link to Africa. It is a political statement without uttering a word. It is a statement of solidarity with one's ancestors. It also wasn't always called "an afro," in fact many people called it "natural," because it was the natural state of their hair and a sign that they were reclaiming their own beauty.

Unfortunately for me and virtually every member of my family, that isn't quite the natural state of our hair. We can grow it only so far before it collapses on itself, rendering us into sepia versions of Leopold Stokowski.

So what's left? Relax or cut. It feels very limiting, to be honest. There are times when I'd like to feel what it's like to have your hair blowing in the wind as opposed to just the scalp. Yet, at the same time, I ultimately don't mind that I will never experience it. It's my claim that I'm making to my own beauty and no one else's.

Eurovision 2006 Preview Video Showdown: Part 3

I to M

• Iceland: I know this is supposed to be a parody of Eurovision entrants, but the video seems like a subtle dig at Whitney Houston. How so? The set looks uncannily like the one for "How Will I Know?" and Silvia's wardrobe is very similar to Mrs. Brown's in some scenes. There are also pretty strong digs at Bjork. The original English lyrics included "fuck" in them, alas, that's gone.
• Ireland: Brian wails that "every song is a cry for love" in the middle of [what I'm assuming is] Dublin's airport. If I was in earshot of some whining man with shoulder-length hair, I'd be hightailing it to the next plane headed to the Antipodes. What's really hilarious is how absolutely indifferent everyone in the background is to him. I can't help but think that some of them are thinking "who is this twat blocking up the moving walkway, and when will he shut his yap up and MOVE?"
• Israel: Kdam performance. Eddie wears white, utters the occasional phrase in English, and does his best Luther Vandross impression. Strike that, make it Luther Vandross and Patti LaBelle impression. (Who knew men could do Patti's chicken?)
• Latvia: National final performance. I have generally been uninterested in Latvian finals, and this is just really gives me more reason to ignore them in the future. A whole bunch of scraggly looking men sing acapella. Pink (or P!nk, if you will) is performing "Stupid Girls" on Today, as I write this. Today show live performances tend to make the most energetic performer seem milquetoast, and yet, it's inherently more interesting than anything going on with the Latvian preview.
• Lithuania: Collage of various performances and studio shots here. No real narrative, which means they missed a great opportunity for a soccer/football inspired video, especially given the group's name of LT United. Anyway, the song is daft and not even close to Iceland when it comes to parody. Remember how cringe-inducing those sports team music videos are ("the ickey shuffle," for example), primarily due to atrocious singing and annoying synth in the background? Bleech.
• Malta: Fab has a spat with his grilfriend. She seems to be the instigator based on what the director told her ("look angry!"). They spend the rest of the time longing for each other to upbeat dance music. Poor Fab. You know he wants to be a sex symbol, but he just can't pull it off, by which I mean, there is no gratuitous shirtless shots. I could slam this all I want, and yet, I pretty much know that this year is going to come down to Fab vs. La Ryan.
• Moldova: National final performance. Moldova's most famous submissive wears a blue and black striped sweater while some slapper in a pink blouse and acid-washed denim skirt (!) sings in response. Jesus wept, they do know it's 2006 and not 1986 in Moldova, right? If they're going for heat, then they've failed miserably. It's about as suggestive as Tiffany on The Mickey Mouse Club.
• Monaco: One day, I'd like to be the Monegasque entrant for Eurovision. I'd act all serious, wave the red and white flag, and sing my little partially talented coeur out. All I ask in return, is a nice high-tech video that looks like it cost a lot of money. The principality ain't exactly hurting for money, so why are their preview videos cheap as hell? "La Cocodance" is already a cheap sounding song that even Kassav wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Don't make it worse by just making it a collection of Severine recording the song, Severine posing for pictures, Severine arriving in Monaco by helicopter, etc. Then there's the whole bizarre fact of a girl from Reunion singing a song partly in Tahitian, representing Monaco. I know they're all part of La Francophonie, but still...

Next Time: The Netherlands give us blondes who babble incoherently to the beat of drums; Norway gives us a rarity this year: a decent ballad; Good ol' Kool Aid hair and gravel voice return for Poland; Portugal promises to make us dance and smile (and manages to get a single toe tap); Romania makes no sense in either English or Italian (and I don't care); and Russia gives a twink with that eternal free-language message "never let you go."

Well, Post-Mortems Will Be Interesting Now

Splash and The View have been shut-down for drugs activity.

And again, this isn't an April Fool's joke.

Eurovision 2006 Preview Video Showdown: Part 2

D to G (skipping La France--since their video isn't up yet)

• Denmark: From stalking last year to singing janitors this year. Still hate the song, but at least it doesn't have the creepiness of "Talking to you." Sidsel mops and sings, then she gets lights in the background and some dancers and then sings again. Oddly enough, she doesn't bother twisting.
• Estonia: It's "Once In A Lifetime" with blue and white substituting for Ines's green and no cowboy hats in sight. I'll give Sandra credit that she performs it well, but considering that she's carping on about "looking through [her] window," shouldn't ETV go for an original video as opposed to a retread of the national final performance? Then again, Sahlene didn't get an original video either, so perhaps they go cheap when the singer is a Swede? Fair play to them.
• Finland: Well, ain't this is the controversial one? Frankly, I don't see religion being challenged here. It's basically every disaffected youth video cliche from the 1990's. Not terribly original in general, but for Eurovision it's radical. (La Podolskaya had the same theme last year, but took the shallow route with the video.) Anyway, here's the story: Rocker girl listens to Lordi, sings along (in order to ignore her relative isolation from her snide classmates), gets pushed aside by perky/bitchy cheerleaders, lead singer of Lordi appears, cheerleaders faint. At least it's the most striking video so far, though I suspect La Ryan's cost a lot more.

Update: Turns out the controversy was an April Fool's prank. A daft one.

• Macedonia (no FYR on this part of the internet) : Ninaninanina sky. Elena swings around in a chair lit up with Christmas lights. She dances with her name plastered in the background. She sings about wanting something original and then proceeds to liberally rip off/make an homage to "Move Ya Body" and name check Beyonce and Shakira. No hypocrisy here, no siree.
• Germany: National final performance. Woman in pink fur shawl talks about her love being quite enormous, while a bunch of men in classic country singer outfits (white cowboy hat mit white suit) strum along on guitar or beat a drum. When the song gets upbeat the singer waves her skirt around. Oh yes, this is just a party song right here.
• Greece: Hate this song, but it's a brilliant video. Long dolly shot down a hallway to reveal La Vissi storms out of a room in a red dress--perhaps a little drunk given her stylishly messy hair. Let me just queen out here: She. looks. F.I.E.R.C.E. I don't use that expression lightly. Anyway, here's the story line: La Vissi has a man. La Vissi is in love. La Vissi's man leaves her waiting at dinner. La Vissi gets pissed (perhaps in both colloquial senses of the word) when her man strays. Moral of the story: don't fuck with her.

Next time: Iceland swears and does a good satire of Whitney Houston; Ireland sends us all to sleep again (ditto Israel); some Latvians think they can do acapella; Lithuania hopes we get the joke; Malta thinks we want to see more of the bushy eyebrowed twink; Half of Moldova's most famous S-M male couple wants to go "loco;" and Monaco sings in Tahitian, but doesn't try to outdo La Ryan in the shoot department.

Eurovision 2006 Preview Video Showdown: Part 1

A to C.

Ok, so this is how the preview video showdown works. I watch 30 seconds of each video and write my impression. In the interest of fairness, I'm going to approach these with an open mind (although I'm only human) .

Here it goes.

• Albania: Cheap as hell (it looks like something from public access television) , especially comparing it to last year's. Anyway, we've got the twink looking moody around a table surrounded by a troupe of men in folk costumes. Just so that this doesn't take on a chicken hawk theme, there's a quick little picture of some smirking girl (who I swear has to be under 16), who I guess is haunting Luiz. Unintentional comedy moment: One of the men in folk costumes starts blowing his bagpipes (and I mean seriously blowing a la Dizzy Gillespie) while the rest of them dance around a pool. It's like Monty Python.
• Andorra: Voice. Of. The. Year. The story here is a bit unclear to me, but I gather that Jennifer has been dumped post-coitally and is soothing her ache by writing "sense tu" in lipstick on her mirror. (You know you're going to have to be the one to clean that up, right?) Then her mascara runs and she apparently takes her makeup tips from Tammy Faye. Then all of a sudden, she's in a nightclub wearing a dress that boosts her already ample bosoms. I'm guessing the story is that some person broke her heart, yet the show must go on. How very Liza Minnelli.
• Armenia: Candles and shots of Andre's crotch and unibrow. (No, I'm not going to let this go. There's nothing rugged about unibrows.) He goes between trying to look like some reject from the grunge era with long hair and ripped jeans to wearing a white top hat. He sings, but the visual is louder than any note that he makes. Armenian Television should've gone for the Cher & Colton Ford duet.
• Belarus: Woman in hot pants and hair blowing wildly cavorts around a set made up of dancers and blinking lights. They don't know democracy in Belarus, and they certainly don't know how to go for the gay male vote either. Polina's vague approximation of the English language doesn't help either. La Podolskaya could run circles around this slapper.
• Belgium: For starters, of all the stage names to have, Kate Ryan? Oy. Anyway, this year's probable winner cavorts around in Thailand--you didn't think Belgium was a lush, tropical paradise did you? And that's basically it. It's Kate in a cave, Kate on a speedboat, Kate in front of a door. Think of every nameless dance singer's video you've seen and you've got this one down to a T. See you in Antwerp next year.
• Bosnia-Herzegovina: Do I really have to sit through 30 seconds of this? Crap, I guess I do. Anyway, lots of shots of nature and old towns with some CGI waves interpersed. The theme here is that man (in this case, Hari) is nothing compared to the awesomeness of the world around us. I am surprised that Hayao Miyazaki didn't direct this video, because it certainly screams his work. In the interest of being kind, I will say that it manages to make a mind-numbing song seem much more interesting than it actually is, which is what a video is supposed to do.
• Bulgaria: Soft-core porn alert! What is it with the Bulgarians and their softcore porn preview videos? Last year featured the very handsome lead singer of Kaffe cavorting around half-naked (one assumes he wasn't completely nude) with a woman, this time we have the quite cute Mariana doing the same with some random man. If you've ever watched Cinemax after Midnight, then you can envision what this looks like: lots of silk, arching bodies, a rotating bed, and Mariana with bed head. I should also mention that this video's "narrative" consists of Mariana emoting herself post-coitus.
• Croatia: Tsk, tsk, it's her Dora performance. A bit of a shame since Seve could easily out-sex Mariana in video form. The song's lyrics even say "s...s...sex." She's very much in touch with her inner freak.
• Cyprus: Another national final performance video. At least Severina had a great song and performance. Annette just has breasts and big hair. This song is just dire. Unoriginal and Annette's performance is very "sing, baby, sing!"

Next time: Denmark twists, Estonia goes Swedish, Finland taps into American teen angst, Macedonia Nina Sky-s, German country music (as fronted by an Australian woman), and another Greek tragedy.