The New Season: NBC

There is some poetic justice in that one of the most omnipresent networks (mostly due to takeovers as opposed to actual creation) has been pretty much getting its rear end kicked by the former underdogs ABC & CBS. (Speaking of which, only last decade ABC was considered the inoffensive network and CBS the channel for the elderly.)

Now that I've taken my pleasure in ruffling the peacock's feathers, I have to admit something: NBC's new crop is probably the best out there. That said, that's more an indictment of the overall quality of the Freshmen shows for 2008-09 rather than an endorsement of NBC.

Either way, let's get on with it:

• America's Toughest Jobs: It's already premiered, and I have to wonder why NBC would think that someone who hasn't seen the same type of "look at my job! Isn't it difficult? Isn't it dirty? Isn't it dangerous?" show on A&E/Discovery/National Geographic would be interested? So, in true NBC style, they turn it into a competition. Perhaps they are taking a gamble here, but the faith they seem to have in it must be minimal for it to premiere before Labor Day. Doubt we'll see it next year unless it's really cheap to produce.
• Knight Rider: Give the Peacock credit, they are at least resurrecting their own show as opposed to the CW which brings an old FOX show back to life tonight. That said, the new Knight Rider movie did well, so it makes sense to see if the same audience that watched that will do the same. The creator managed to keep the inanity that was Las Vegas on air for much longer than need be, so this might limp its way into next year. Personally, I doubt it. Would the American public be all that interested in watching a car speeding every week, given the cost of gas? Would NBC be all that interested in paying for that to boot?
• Kath & Kim: The fiance--who is Australian and a fan of the show--has very low expectations for this sitcom (which was originally Australian). Conversely, I think it will do well, and I also think it will be quite successful. When I first saw the original show on the late, lamented Trio network (oddly enough, gobbled by NBC and then obliterated), I couldn't understand a word the characters were saying--with captions! NBC's version does appear to keep the same spirit, which is about a spoiled mother-daughter duo with little common sense and lots of self-absorption. One thing NBC does well is nuture offbeat sitcoms. I reckon it'll get through the season with little trouble.
• My Own Worst Enemy: Christian Slater tries to become relevant again by playing a man who lives a double life and apparently doesn't know about it. It's The Three Faces of Eve meets James Bond. It'll get some of the Heroes crowd, but seems too complex for its own good. In fact, it probably should've gotten the mini-series treatment first. Just might make it, but I doubt it.
• Crusoe: Hands up if you heard about NBC doing a series adaptation of Robinson Crusoe. Anyone? Not even a peep? Good, I'm not alone (no pun intended). If this was a miniseries, I'd understand it, but the NBC website propaganda seems to indicate otherwise, and that seems like a very silly risk the peacock is taking. They might try to drum up the similarities to Lost, but this is classic literature we're talking about here. It may be classic potboiler literature, but it is classic nonetheless. The peacock will get the accolades for showing classics to the masses, and then quietly dump any remaining episodes on Bravo. "Watch what happens," indeed.

I say Kath & Kim makes it to next season with either Knight Rider or My Own Worst Enemy (not both) joining it, based on who gets the higher ratings on their USA Network repeats.

Election 2008: Metaphors for Prez

For the sake of brevity, I'm going to assume that anyone reading this is familar with NBC, if not, read this from NBC Television's Wikipedia entry, followed by this 1985 promo and this 2007 promo, and turn on TNT since they seem to have Law & Order on all the time until The Closer burns off more episodes.

"Fall" in New York is an interesting time, because apart from Los Angeles and Chicago, few other cities are awash in networks promoting their new lineups all over the place. (Penn Station itself is practically floor-to-ceiling full of CBS, the East side of Times Square is such for ABC, and Rockefeller Center goes without saying.) The funny thing about NBC's lineup is that it seems well...ignorant.

Now ignorant is a strong word, but here's why I chose it: NBC is at once the network of self-absorption and self-ignorance, which might explain why it did so well in the 1980s and 1990s, when as a country we first became entranced by our surroundings and subsquently ourselves. That would be fine now, if we still were equally interested in these things, but the fact of the matter is that the mean ol' nasty outside world went and decided that we needed to pay attention to it.

Many networks noticed this change and decided to try to incorporate programming that at least acknowledged that there was an outside world wherein the prototypical televisual American (a WASP aged 25-35) came to realisation that he/she was not ruler of the domain, and in fact was wearing nothing at all. Basically, we learned not just that we're alone, but "we" don't all look like how we thought we did, in fact, we're kind of shallow...seriously.

NBC didn't quite get this memo. It thought that it could encapsulate the zeitgeist by asking Dick Wolf to pick up a copy of The Daily News and email the top stories to a group of writers in LA (Yes, that is the sad truth about Law & Order), while still plugging along with its roster of shows that do nothing but tell us how despite appearances to the contrary, everything is still a-ok in the USA as long as you watch NBC, because on NBC, all the bad guys will get caught (presumably by Chris Hansen) within the hour and you can sleep well into the night knowing that America's First Family (TM) will be there to tell you that despite some minor nastiness, you are still free to resume obsessing over your weight, lack of sex life, and whether Brangelina are having marital problems.

Yet, despite all this Reagan-esque bravado, the fact of the matter is that the peacock's feel-good mantra isn't manifesting itself ratings-wise, when you look at the big picture. The self-absorbed network's facade is crumbling and the answer in their view is to retreat further inwards into where criticism and the blatantly obvious won't hurt. I'll be somewhat blunt here, NBC is Grey Gardens as a network, viewing its audience as Soylent Green.

If the preceding sounded appealing, not to mention logical, then: 1) Why are you reading the blog of an avowed and proud Socialist?, 2) You've most likely already donated to the Thompson and/or McCain campaigns.

And now in order to end things on an upbeat note (how very NBC), here is the legendary Momoe Yamaguchi performing Rock 'N' Roll Widow with a bunch of men doing very absurd choreography.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade 2006 Post-Mortem

Yes, indeed it's back again, and again, it's a "post-mortem" since I'm watching it from the Central Time Zone where the parade doesn't start until 9 AM local time, meaning that everything onscreen has already happened.

Apparently this is the 80th Parade, and I steel myself for constant mentions of it.

Then deep-voiced cokehead (because he's just that animated) announcer man starts reeling off the names of the "celebrities" appearing in this year's parade, and all I have to say is "DENISE VAN OUTEN?" Ms. Jay Kay-shagging-Maxim-staple?

Is there some sort of US welfare for '90s British television staples? Sean Maguire is on The Class, Cat Deeley is on some show on Fox, and now Denise Van Outen is attacking US television.

Camp Broadway [the double entendre] does some inane number about "give me a drum," without actually having any drums whatsoever, and we go to commercials.

NBC plug #1: Heroes. The amount of desperation in the three actors is palpable from space. It's like Al Roker has to try to push them off screen.

Oh, jesus! A Chorus Line. Well, I already said my piece about the revival at AfterElton, and transposed to Herald Square makes it look even more pitiful. Go away now.

NBC plug #2: Friday Night Lights. Maria Celeste interviews an actress from the show and treats it like a political interview. It's kind of cringe-inducing, but mostly boring. One nitpicking thing I have with that show is that it's depressing to see a bunch of people who peak at high school. Schadenfreude, but still depressing.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas performs. I like to think--and my mother backed me up on this--that I had more of a grip on reality as a child, so that trifle like this would not appeal to me whatsoever. That aside, I think the Chuck Jones animated special was good enough, this just screams naked greed.

Cokehead announcer says "this dramatic view of New York is from the top of Rockefeller Center." What the television audience sees: low level clouds and a faint outline of a building. Absolutely stirring, I tell you.

After commercials, there's a video piece with Martin Short tracing the route of the parade by helicopter: 1) He's looking old--especially on HD; 2) I actually used to be indifferent to him, but since his musical has opened, I can't stand him and his mugging, ironic or not.

The Colour Purple: Eh.

NBC plug #3: ER and Maura Tierney, who has been promo'd like crazy. It's the first plug today that didn't seem like it was blatantly begging people to watch them.

After commercials, Al Roker chills my blood by saying that there's a revival of Grease and they are turning the auditions for the leads into a television show--on NBC, of course--hosted by...Denise Van Outen. Denise looks no different than she did in the nineties.

The horror of that announcement marinates in me throughout Spamalot's performance. By the way, Spamalot doesn't seem all that interesting without any star power. (And for those in the New York television market, the new ads just prove that even more.)

Commercials: Even though I grew up in the 1980's, there is no way you can make me believe that Izod is sexy, because I still think of uptight yuppies thinking of ways to get rich off of others' labour.

Matt & Meredith intro The Rockettes and I have to say that Meredith is kind of a non-entity. Maybe it was the raspy voice and sub-textual bitchy comments that Katie Couric kept throwing in, but she did seem to add something extra to the show. By the way, I'm continually amazed that people kicking their legs up in sync manages to impress people.

The parade arrives in Herald Square with lots of rain pouring on The Rockettes. There's a metaphor there, but I'm buggered if I can find it at the moment.

One thing that is good about all the rain is that for the people still in my neighbourhood, the foot traffic is not as horrid as it could be.

The Post Office float has some people from some show called High School Musical which I have never heard of, but I'm not hip, especially not to things Disney. Fortunately, the Cokehead Announcer cuts them off a minute into singing.

Local commercials: Generally daytime television in Milwaukee has commercials for "cash advances" and injury lawyers. Today, it is nothing but ads for Farm & Fleet and Menards. Feel the Wisconsin-ness.

After commercials, Julie Andrews sings on top of a golden goose. I say singing, but she's more talk-singing than anything else. Still, a valiant effort and justly rewarded with applause.

I'm developing some sympathy for the participants since it looks like it's pouring down, but then they bring out some daft children's singing act going on about bumblebees. Mother Nature is just expressing her opinion.

Barbie float: Whoever is playing Barbie is going to have serious facial pain from grinning that widely for so long.

Matt makes mention of the 1926 Macy's Parade Queen. What he doesn't say is that these days the Macy's Parade Queens number in the hundreds and few of them are female. (I'm sorry, but the joke was just too tempting.)

Marching bands: Are there any marching bands that aren't from the South or the West? Surely, there are some from the Tri-State.

Oklahoma float: Sandi Patty is still around? Or is that Kim Zimmer? Either way, I don't think you could write such a rising anthem about Wisconsin.

Commercials: We Are Marshall makes me think of "We Are Legion."

Sesame Street Float: More welfare for aging performers. Seriously, a significant amount of the humans on the float have been on that show since I was born.

Synergy plug: "Vote for your favourite float on iVillage," says Matt. "What would anyone get out of that?" says Hikaru.

Some random PBS float: Another pre-pubescent faux-rock group that I have never heard of. Befitting the ADD generation, their song snippet lasts about 30 seconds.

Animal Planet & NBC plug (because they're airing that dog show) float: They cut off Gloria Estefan! Gutsy.

The Dora the Explorer balloon is flying awfully low and threatening to knock out another tourist from Albany.

Tutenstein (NBC Plug!) float: Diana Degarmo performs with the Phoenix Boys Choir. It's saccharine, but considering that last year featured Jai Rodriguez singing "King Tut" uncensored and after Madonna (you go, girl!) gave a brilliant and bleep laden performance last night on NBC, I can understand the rationale.

This show is full of filler when you get down to it. A perfect example of this is the fact that there is a jump roping team. Al Roker joins Matt & Meredith in the booth to introduce a bunch of Cartoon Network characters butchering "A Little Help from my friends." Absolute filler, I tell you.

Some random Rhinoceros float: I don't get Chris Brown, but puberty looks like it's going to be mean to him.

Commercials: The Apprentice is going to premiere on January 7, along with that acrid Grease show. January 7th is the day that television died...on NBC. I do not pay attention to David Blaine's stupid stunts, but if he is suspended in the air over Hell's Kitchen, I am very glad that I'm not there getting annoyed as well as getting drunk.

Royal Caribbean float: Ciara is lip-syncing her butt off, and as Clay Cane astutely pointed out: Ciara & Wanda Sykes look exactly the same. Nonetheless, those evil people at GE cut. her. off!

Marching Band update: Well apparently Indiana bucks the South & West monopoly.

Hershey's Float: My lack of hipness continues since I have no idea who RBD is, platinum album sales or not. It's a ballad so my curiosity is negligible. They get cut off as well. Would it kill NBC to let people perform for at least a minute?

Cokehead announcer says "don't touch that dial." I haven't seen a dial on a television in over a decade.

Marching Band update: NYPD marching band. Is this the only Tri-State representation? For shame.

And this is a weak year if I'm paying any attention at all to the marching bands. Al Roker makes a "Battery Park" joke in reference to the Energizer Bunny. Please lobotomise him, somebody.

New York float: Hall & Oates. The unspoken theme of this year's parade is "The Eighties Have Come Back with a vengeance." Hall & Oates get an extra 30 seconds for some bizarre reason.

Hess float: Some scruffy man with a guitar and a grin surrounded by a bunch of people wearing traffic signs. They should legalise LSD for occasions like this. Scruffy gets cut off by the Cokehead Announcer. Conspiracy Theorists start your engines!

Football float: "A tradition for 120 million Americans" says Matt. Count me as part of the 180 million Americans that don't celebrate that tradition. Some blonde girl from MTV called Cheyenne (I thought it was Chayanne, as in the Puerto Rican singer, at first) tries to maintain her coolness while performing around a bunch of football mascots. Did you really want a singing career that desperately?

Retro (read: AARP nostalgia) float: Darlene Love manages to perform without looking awkward while still embracing some hokum. She gets cut off by Cokehead Announcer. The best performance so far.

Commercials: Isn't Identity just an update of What's My Line?

Charlotte's Web float: Sarah McLachlan tries to maintain her dignity on a float surrounded by kids and a big pig looming over her head. I don't think anyone could manage that. She barely gets cut off by Meredith to talk about the new "healthy" Mr. Potato Head float.

This is our country, kids; Mr. Potato Head is being used as a symbol of healthy living.

Americana Overload float: The question lingering in my head is whether they would dare cut off the USAF Marching band and Renee Fleming singing "America the Beautiful." They didn't, but Cokehead Announcer jumps in very quickly to mention that Barry Manilow is coming up.

Boy, this parade has fallen on hard times.

For some reason they are running this parade extremely quickly. Everything is blink-or-you'll-miss it. On the upside, the cringe inducing numbers don't have that long to unnerve.

Random New York float: Barry Manilow gestures angrily to somebody on the float, then switches on the syrup to "sing" "What the world needs now." Based on the anger and the fact that he was "on" so quickly after looking pissed off, I would never want to get on his bad side. Barry does not get cut off, but he also didn't sing a full version.

Matt & Meredith mention John Tartaglia (Shock! Openly gay famous person), but unless he's turned into the Pillsbury Dough Boy, I don't see him. Also on the Pillsbury float, some people from some production of White Christmas that I've never heard of. They get cut off quickly.

Polar Express (boy, are they trying to get their money back on that): Somebody called Natalie Grant sings some dirge about "believing." She gets about 90-120 seconds and is not cut off. Whoever scheduled the appearances this year messed up royally.

Santa Claus arrives after a tacky dance sequence and Meredith meekly says "I'm so excited."

Am I getting older or was it always so anticlimactic?

Al Roker keeps his mouth blissfully shut as they sign off.

How to choose which network news is for you

This is my lil' attempt to help boost network news ratings. (Listen, if they get younger viewers then the non-hypocondriacs will be spared the prescription drug ads.)

So which broadcast is for you?

ABC World News Tonight: The closest one of the big 3 networks is going to get to having a global perspective on the nightly news. (Remember this used to be broadcast partly in Chicago and partly in London, before the whole kit-and-caboodle got moved to New York.) If you like quirky, you get the distinctively-voiced Robert Krulwich giving a light-hearted spin on complex matters. However, the real bonus is watching Peter Jennings (who was once voted the sexiest anchor of the evening news, but this was before Brian Williams, so who knows who owns that title now). Why? Well, as much as I love Canadians (And wish to one day be one), I'll admit it's kind of funny to listen for how many times he says "aboot." The other bonus is seeing if they'll show the reporters reacting when Jennings cuts them off abruptly.

CBS Evening News: Did you hear that? I could've sworn that was...No, it can't be. The bogeyman is here and he's going to scare you with the rocky music and the hippity-hop. CBS's evening broadcast is terror news for senior citizens. It's all about confirming that "yes, things used to be better in my day, etc." The upside--while it lasts--is watching Dan Rather let off with one of his folksy Texan platitudes. Sometimes I wonder if CBS's Newsroom was the basis for Network . I can imagine being attacked by somebody saying "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" could freak a man out.

NBC Nightly News: If the elderly get spooked on CBS, then the middle-aged get spooked on NBC. (ABC tries to keep everybody relatively calm, but suspicious...for better or worse.) Rampant teenage sex! Meth labs in your neighbourhood! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Network news is basically a reflection of the network itself, so sex-and-drugs-laden NBC has an appropriate broadcast. Every story is UNBELIEVABLE and proof that some evil conspiracy is at work to bring down you, your family, and your kid's soccer team. I'd like to think that Tom Brokaw (with whom I share a birthday with, so I'll admit some bias here) kept it in check, but who knows? On the flip side, there's always a plethora of "triumph-of-the-human-spirit" stories that edge out the paranoia. That being said, those "stories" aren't for everyone (pardon me while I vomit.)

Now, if all you want to do is stare at eye candy for 30 minutes and be able to make current-affairs water cooler talk, then here's a run down of the most attractive (male, because I'm not a good judge of females) anchors...according to a thoroughly unscientific poll of one by the Freeman Institute:

1) Bob Woodruff - ABC (Weekend)

2) Brian Williams - NBC

3) John Roberts - CBS (Weekend)

4) Peter Jennings - ABC

5) John Siegenthaler - NBC (Weekend)*
*He'd rank higher if he didn't look so uncomfortable all the time.

6) Dan Rather - CBS**
**I'm sorry, Dan. If it helps, I love the folksy yarns.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade 2007 Post-Mortem

This ought to be a fun show.

The stagehands are on strike.

The writers are on strike.

Please let there be some agitprop!

Anyway, "Camp Broadway" has their annual saccharine tribute to god knows what, but look! It's kids with ribbons!

And Matt & Meredith are in the middle of the sugary sweetness all of a sudden. They toss to Al.

Al gives the standard send-off for the march. Surprisingly, the banter is not stilted. (Scabs?)

And it's let's have an ode to commercialism.

Deep-voiced announcer gives down the rundown of celebrities and shows and I sense that this might be the first evidence of the strike's effect: only 3 shows and half the celebrities, most of whom are NBC plugs for struggling shows. (Although let's be honest, only Howie Mandel and John Madden are the only people on NBC shows which aren't struggling.)

After commercial we have desperate network plug #1: Jane Krakowski begs us to watch 30 Rock.

Meanwhile, Matt & Meredith plug the first of only 3 musicals this year: Legally Blonde.

It's a minor improvement on Camp Broadway. Minor being the operative word, since they are doing the same amount of flinging about over inane lyrics.

Deep voiced announcer hypes Bob Saget, who will be doing the exact same thing as Martin Short last year, which is flying over the parade providing quips. I doubt they'll be full of swears, but we can hope.

As we come back from commercial: the aerial shot shows somebody dangling their child off the balcony!

NBC plug #2: Patti Labelle tries to interest us in the inanity that is Battle of the Choirs and her Christmas CD. Al Roker apparently did several lines because he's really animated in the plug.

Matt & Meredith drowsily attempt to interest us in Young Frankenstein.

Roger Bart is no Gene Wilder, and is quite honestly dialing it in. Sutton Foster, however, is apparently game enough to lift for both herself, him, and the man playing Igor.

This show is no Producers, people, and they ought to be glad that they aren't affected by the strike.

Matt & Meredith send a message of support to everyone affected by the [stagehands'] strike. They say nothing about the writers, which is very telling about who wrote their banter. (I hope that somebody sabotages their teleprompter.)

Bob Saget makes a good theatre strike joke preflight. He proceeds kick Martin Short's ass in terms of comedy during the parade route tour.

M&M hype Xanadu, which in all honesty, is the only decent show of this lot. As much as I hate Douglas Carter Beane, he did turn in an excellent satirical script.

Anyway: roller skates, Cheyenne Jackson, falsettos, and Andre Ward. Not too bad when combined. Fun fact: Jane Krakowski turned down the female lead in Xanadu in order to do 30 Rock. Oops.

My new favourite ad: US Cellular has an ad where a flower delivery man complains to a woman about his asthma.

NBC Desperation Plug #3: Al Roker talks to 2 of cast members from Heroes who must be on some sort of pharmaceutical (or just fear of cancellation) to be that perky. Al cuts them off to screech "It's Nikki Blonsky!" Burn!

After commercial, we have Christopher Meloni & daughter with NBC Desperation Plug #4. He does not look like he's drunk or high like that interview he had on Morning Blend. He is also drowned out by a marching band. Meloni is the only one so far to get out of these plugs with some shred of dignity, and he was assaulted by a band, clowns, and Al Roker.

Meredith makes a SVU/SUV reference to Al's flub. Matt rolls his eyes. They intro Mary Poppins.

I am beginning to think that Disney-on-Broadway execs have a bet going on to see what is the worst show they can keep running. Clearly MP is up there, but then again, I would've greenlit an Aristocats musical a long time before this.

Commercial for Battle of the Choirs, and yes, it looks like a big ol' Port Of Spain (POS).

M&M intro The Rockettes.

The Rockettes kick and march about Herald Square and I really don't get the connection between the number and "New York at Christmas," but I'm not a choreographer.

Perhaps it's me, but does it seem like there are twice the amount of ads so far this year?

And the parade makes it to Herald Square and M&M are plotzing.

(I am so happy not to be there this morning.)

Something called "The Great American Marching Band" performs "Swing Swing Swing" and the placement of stars is hilarious as blatant synergy.

Dolly Parton sings on a Showboat float, although she looks extremely nervous. It's rather funny that everybody on the float is desperately trying to cover up the fact that they are lip-syncing.

M&M give the standard "Pilgrims good, Native Americans who?" version of Thanksgiving in reference to the Turkey float.

Abby Cadabby balloon: Eh. M&M are looking for another gram to get through the next 2 hours.

Sesame Street float: The annual chance to see how many of those cast members are still alive. (My god, Bob is still on that show? Good god, man, retire!)

M&M have found their lines and I find myself missing Katie Couric and the fact that she was considerably more aware of the camp factor and didn't let Lauer overshadow.

Jonas Brothers/Build-A-Bear-Dammit float: Who are these people? Click 5 for 2007? They look like they need a flea bath. Mediocre song, but they cover up their lip-syncing better than Dolly Parton...sadly.

After commercial: Clowns and Barbie (buy my DVD!)

Perhaps it's me, but I'm a bit perplexed: after Barbie has encouraged millions of girls to go out be businesswomen, pilots, and political leaders, she is now encouraging girls to be bitchy overbearing princesses with extreme self-entitlement.

Utah marching band: As much soul as an Osmond Family TV special in Iceland.

Another reason to miss Katie Couric: she might've been able to make Hello Kitty seem interesting. Of course, the good writers are on strike, so I don't entirely blame M&M for making do with a poor script.

(By the way, La Couric is not fronting CBS's coverage, Hannah Storm & Dave Price are. Yikes.)

After commercial: Up With People sing some song that doesn't know if it wants to be dance or world, either way it's crap.

Animal Planet: Bindi Irwin & "The Crocmen" sing something about jumping and my jaw just drops. It's just so...mind-boggling and inane, like a blatant attempt to ride upon the Wiggles bandwagon combined with the "oh she's soldiering on without her dad" sentiment that the weak-minded would fall for. Dignity, what's that?

Some band of clowns does something, but I'm still recovering from The Irwins' slaughter on Herald Square.

Two random Broadway actors sing "Give My Regards to Broadway" on the M&M float. It's really not all that interesting except they are not lip syncing and it features a completely unnecessary electric guitar score.

NYC Parks Mounted Patrol ride into Herald Square and I wonder if those horses could sue for animal abuse.

The Virginia Tech band: M&M act all solemn because of THAT incident. The band does nothing of note except march back and forth again and again and again. But you know, we can't cut away early because of THAT incident.

Rant of the day: When did it become illegal for shit to happen? Let's be honest, anyone can find reasons for others to "feel their pain."

USPS float: Crap MOR band Lifehouse looks bored or just sultry. They also make no attempt to cover up their miming.

After commercial: An insurance company provides a Malt Shop inspired float. (Draw your own cynical conclusions.) Anyway, Nikki Blonsky (apparently she was in Hairspray) sings live and decently.

Al has now joined M&M which means there might very well be some life in the commentators' booth from here on in--if only because Al carries the good pure stuff and M&M have been running low.

Evidence: Matt actually sounds interested in a bunch of cheerleaders thrusting pom poms in the air to 1950s songs. As for me, not even a cigarette could give me seem remotely interested.

Some twink called Ne-Yo lip-syncs on the cheerleaders' float. He has a career why?

After commercial: A bunch of kids from New York clog dance. That's right, a bunch of kids from New York clog dance. MAM are as dumbfounded as I am. The kids are good, but again, a bunch of kids from New York clog dance.

New York Daily News float: Menudo (nuevo) give the first decent performance on the smallest performance space seen so far. All other acts should hold their heads in shame. MAM are impressed.

This is followed up by a band from Indiana murdering "Gee, Officer Krupke."

Fireman float and then Hess float with Good Charlotte proceeding to blow any cred they might have, even with a decent song like "Dancefloor Anthem"--since they are followed by the Energizer Bunny.

MAM start on the next baggie.

After commercial: Pirate float (complete with Al Roker doing a piss-poor pirate imitation). Sarah Brightman sings some trance-like song called "Journey Home" and I am tempted to say that the performances from Good Charlotte onwards are going to be better. Let's be honest though, all you have to do is lip-sync believably.

Some random band from Kentucky performs songs from the Nutcracker. The flag team are waving some flag that looks like a hybrid of the Maryland & Estonian flags. They're good, but I see no Nutcracker connection.

One possible reason why MAM are becoming more alert: They have to push those NBC Universal products! Represented at this particular instance by the Shrek balloon.

Cartoon Network float: I have never particularly cared for that song, but I never want to hear "You Make Me Live" sung like that again.

Jeff Koons's Rabbit: Damn impressive. MAM are impressed as well.

Some Alabama band performs "Oh Susannah." Maybe it's me, but I think it's a little bit in poor taste.

Rhino Mountain float: What the hell is that supposed to be for? Some High School Musical castoff lip-syncs "Last Christmas" relatively well, although she misses the point of the lyrics.

Commercial: Why not use your Citicard to get a haircut instead of a cheap suit? And NBC is so starved for ratings that they are reviving American Gladitors?

Horn of Plenty float: The Cherokee National Choir sings "Jingle Bells" in Cherokee. While this is quite a momentous occasion (think about it), but am I the only one who thinks this is also a bit wrong like using a $20 bill to an AIM supporter (and I'm not referring to an instant messenger).

OU band: Bigger is rarely better.

Pillsbury float: Jordin Sparks tries to justify her win by poorly lip-syncing her own song. I guess it was a bad year on American Idol.

After commercial: An acrobat hits his brother in the crotch. Yep, it's the good stuff now.

Space float: Another High School Musical castoff whines his way through his song with lyrics last heard on California Dreams's Christmas special.

After commercial: Willard Scott gestures wildly outside an antique car freaking out the Centarian Queen of the parade.

History Channel float: Michael Feinstein and Anika Noni Rose sing (live!) between showing off their teeth. Decent performance, but what I find interesting is that there is a sly plug for Terrance McNally's The Ritz.

NYPD Marching Band butchers Silver Bells. (Insert police brutality joke.)

American Greetings float: The Care Bears are back? And who is this Kay Hanley girl? She has no talent and sounds like a poor man's Lindsay Lohan. At least Vanilla Ninja have some talent and sing about heroin.

After commercial: Dancing trees. The drugs have kicked in for MAM, but since all I have is a Max menthol, I just see weirdness.

Weirdness that is enhanced by a marching band that is seeming composed of SWAT team members and women in pigtails. I am not kidding.

Gibson guitar float: Wynonna Judd (looking like Sandy Patty meets Greta Garbo) barely lip syncs "I'll Be Home for Christmas." If she thinks that waving an American flag will save her, she's so wrong. That has to be the most laziest rendition of that song I have ever heard.

After Commercial: A bunch of Rockette wannabes thrust cardboard cutouts of presents and candy canes up in the air, thus emphasising the low-rent cheapness that is this year's parade.

And we have Santa Claus and MAM actually manage to sound excited.

While I can sense that the march of time has done a number on me, but this year's effort has been subpar at best. If this is an indicator for the strikes to be settled, then I suggest GE & the League get their asses in gear.

When Menudo is the best thing on it, you have to wonder.

You Must Be Kidding Me, NBC

Even though for the most part I've been content with switching from Uncle Charlie at ABC to Brian-is-he-stoned-Williams at NBC, I must say that NBC in Olympics mode is insufferable. 

Yesterday, Nightly News didn't get to any non-Olympic coverage (Hurricane-to-be Fay, Obama-McCain at the gluttonous preacher's hoedown, the conflict in Georgia) until the last 15 minutes. 

I understand Phelps-mania, but shouldn't he get the last 15 minutes as opposed to the first?

Naughty, naughty, NBC.

WTF WTMJ?

Once upon a time the local NBC station in Milwaukee was considered level-headed and fair-minded. It lead in local news and was considered unbeatable.

Well, those times are over. Now that WISN is beating them in almost every timeslot save for the 10 o'clock news, they're pandering to the fearmongers. Within the first ten minutes tonight, they aired a story about some woman who is shunning NBC's own upcoming "limited run" series The Book of Daniel because she feels that it was wrongly presented to her as a pro-family show.

AFA much?

Um...no. It's about an Episcopalian priest with a Log Cabin son, another one who is sleeping with the Bishop's daughter, a drug dealing daughter, and an alcoholic wife, who sorts out his problems by talking to Jesus. It's probably more true to life than 7th Heaven, to be honest. Unfortunately, the problem when you do shows that paint a portrait of life being far from sweet, is that it tends to upset those who probably would be best served by seeing their flaws all over the television.

Never mind the fact that the lady said that with her umpteen children that she "barely has time to watch television," WTMJ still felt that her opinion needed to be aired. Now, pardon me for being a cold cynic here, but this is just asinine. You're offering airtime to somebody who wouldn't normally watch television so that she can complain about a programme that she wouldn't likely be able to watch anyway?

In their defense, the director of programming basically said in a (puff piece) interview that "viewers can decide for themselves." Well if that was the case, then air the show and SHUT UP about it. You're not owned by NBC, so don't go disguising promo material as a "report."

This is really just the most recent dismaying occurance that I've seen at WTMJ. For the past week, they've been beating the pearl-clutching drum, which is quite surprising since Milwaukee is basically a town where people say "believe what you want to believe, just don't thrust it in my face." Yesterday, they were obsessed with what possible repercussions the recent beating attack would have on Milwaukee's image across the nation since apparently the story was carried on the Miami Herald's and Washington Post's websites.

Earth to WTMJ's news department: Nobody cares. This is Milwaukee. The city's image outside of the Midwest is basically Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley. Don't even get me started on what many gay men think about the city that let Jeffrey Dahmer run amok. You need to convince the world that you aren't basically a bunch of yokels just off the farm.

But feel free to air reports wherein reporters call people "slimeballs." (What happened to the "balanced coverage" you tout in your ads?) See what good it does you. You know that you're slipping and you can try the tactic of being bombastic and mortified to try to edge your way to the top. Never mind that it never works in the long run.

What does it say about a town where the local NBC station resembles Fox News and the local Fox station (which is owned by Newscorp itself) is pretty even-handed? Ponder that, JBG.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade 2008 Post-Mortem

I'd be lying if I didn't say this is going to be a special post-mortem. It will be (probably to the joy of the fuzzy sweater brigade who seem to stumble across these Thanksgiving Day posts) the last one I write before moving to Australia. The fiance swears that it airs down there--although I have my doubts, since why would anyone in Australia want to watch some daft ode of to American consumerism?

Hold on.  I think I answered my own question.

Now supposedly, the thing should be airing (it's after 8 CST), but apparently WTMJ is still holding onto Today, for whatever reason. I'm guessing that Hoda Kotb has got the chance to be on air--sans Kathie Lee--before 10 EST and she is holding the network programming coordinator hostage to make sure everybody in Central sees her.

Or just WTMJ is weird. They do believe in bifurcating Today with a silly Live knockoff. 

Either way, the damn thing finally gets started at 9 am.

Deep-voiced announcer is rather unenthused until he gets to the fact it's the 86th edition. Matt & Meredith make an entrance through a bunch of cheerleaders. Matt thinks that stating that it is 37F would elicit sympathy. It's 25F here, Matty, so shut it.

They cut to Al, who is Uptown. Al appears via the (very talented) East New York Soul Tigers Drum Line. I must say that the Soul Tigers are the most genuinely lively thing so far, but then again, it is only 4 minutes in.

Deep-voiced announcer (DVA, haha) spits out celebrity names with mild enthusiasm. I don't know how, because this is one of the most Z-list groups of celebrities I've either heard. I also thought Andy Williams was dead, but apparently not. Just his career, for those of us who are indifferent to Branson.

M&M get a second to intro the cheerleaders before their music comes on, and their music must've been selected by someone who had severe ADD. The routine, not so much. The smiles are frightening, to be honest. 

Al talks to Selma Blair, as part of the first of many WATCH NBC plugs. Selma does a good job of maintaining her dignity while plugging Kath & Kim.

M&M intro In The Heights.

Yeah, I'm glad you got the Tony, but I'm still not running to go see it. That being said, the cast must be wearing stockings if it's 37F.  That's brave. 

This number goes on a little too long, and the camera shots did it few favours. 

Oh well.

Next up, Hasselhoff mk. II plugs his pointless revival of Knight Rider. Hasselhoff mk. II is dumb. Hasselhoff mk. II must've put out.

M&M intro White Christmas and look for the white powder underneath the desk.

White Christmas looks and sounds the calibre of a third-tier suburban community theatre. But since Joe Bob & Minnie have gushy memories of the movie and they don't want anything too new to tax their brains, it'll do well.

I'll need some Pepto if all the damn shows are going to be this unnecessarily OTT.

DVA says Harry Connick Jr. will being the helicopter tour this year. Now, if memory serves me correctly, we have gone from Martin Short (not bad), to Bob Saget (surprisingly good), and now Harry Connick Jr. I hold out little hope, but maybe he's had a few and realises that the helicopter tour is meant to be sarcastic. 

Al talks to an unrecognisable Michael Flatley. Facelift Flatley promos some NBC knockoff of So You Think You Can Dance.

M&M cut him off to intro South Pacific. Now, this revival is apparently selling out like nobody's business, but of all the songs to perform they choose "There Ain't Nobody Like A Dame?" 

It's the best so far, but that's like being the 1st circle of Hell.

Finally they show Harry Connick Jr.'s helicopter tour of the parade route. Unfortunately, he's sober. He says that it's exciting, but really I think he took some Sominex. 

M&M plug his album. The man couldn't be bothered to plug his own damn album.

Al allows two Office cast members to plug their show. They're eager, but man, how sad is it that NBC couldn't convince Steve Carrell to go and plug his own show. 

NBC is the Titanic and reality is an iceberg.

Al is still at CPW who corrals one of the random Heroes "stars," who barely mentions the show. Yep, that show has got some longevity.  

M&M take ages to intro the atrocity that is The Little Mermaid (the musical). 

Sadly, i've seen it, although in my defence, I didn't pay.

And yes, the show is that bad for anyone over the age of 5, or at least that annoying.

Ad commentary: Buying mayonnaise is not making a commitment to "real" food. I just think those ad execs should note that.

M&M's dealer is taking his/her own sweet time, so they are running low on energy as they intro the Rockettes.

Anyway, if you've seen one Rockette number, you've seen them all. So I'm going to take this moment to say--yet again--that I miss Katie Couric and her sarcasm. You get the sense that Matt wants to go there, but Meredith just wants to get through the damn show. 

The Rockettes are doing their kicks inside a circle and it's still rather blah. Yes, I know it takes talent and skill and all that nonsense, but I'm just saying that it doesn't film well. Blame the director and choreographer.

Still they get to introduce the parade to Herald Square (thank god I'm not home with all that racket). 

M&M are still lagging for want of charlie.

And it's that damn Tom Turkey float--I'll miss your ugliness Tom Turkey.

Some band from Sioux Falls in quasi-military uniforms plays "Don't Rain On My Parade."

It's a relatively decent job, but the uniforms look reminescent of the fascist Italy.

Matt swears this is the first Smurf balloon. I seriously doubt that. Apparently Sony will have a Smurf movie in 2010. Good god, how sad is that.

James Taylor (PEPTO!) sings some slow-as-molasses version of "America The Beautiful," with no conviction whatsoever. 

Snoopy Balloon and I am continually surprised that M&M can natter on about one damn balloon.

Every year they find more inanity to talk about it. Their banter writer must have OCD.

Disney gets in a float to plug their new film Bolt, complete with Miley Cyrus singing on it. Quite frankly, even though she's lipsyncing, she certainly is selling the living daylights out of it. You'd think NBC was ABC the way that they are letting Disney plug its products with wild abandon.

DVA mentions that Citi is one of the sponsors. Well, that was money well spent.

They come back from ads with the Polynesian Dance Ensemble of Hawaii. Perhaps this section of the parade will be better than much of what has proceeded it. 

Some Rihanna knockoff called Shontelle lip-syncs some song called "T-shirt." Wow, this is some blatant ripping off. I'm almost embarassed for her, but not as much as I pity her.

Some band from California plays something by Leonard Bernstein and they're rather talented. Well, certainly more than Shontelle. At least they aren't lip-syncing, and honestly, that's all you can hope for.

Have I crossed over into the Twilight Zone? Gwen Stefani's sodding Harajuku Girls have got their own float? They fortunately don't sing, but they play an instrumental of Hollaback Girl, which means, well, let me direct you to the hilarious explanation by OC Weekly. Hollaback Girl, by the way, is not at all family friendly in terms of lyrics. (Just thought I should point that out to any fuzzy sweater wearers reading this.)

Back from ads, and we have a jump rope team from Ohio. This is impressive. 

Meredith's charlie has kicked in enough to the point to make a joke about the Energizer bunny.

Matt's not so much, so he drawls his way through the intro to the Sesame Street float. And it is agreed here in Wisconsin that some of those original cast members need to retire.

M&M intro some band from Fayetteville (AK). Again, the band is competent, but what sadist chose the uniforms and outfits. You're a marching band not a paramilitary outfit. 

Meredith (*snort*) intros some daft girl band call Clique Girlz (sic). They are on a float sponsored by My Princess Academy. Right there on one float is everything that is wrong with America: poor grammar, inflated self-esteem (leading to impossible and improbable expectations), and obsessive consumerism in order to fill in the emotional void left by poor parenting.

Matt (*big snort* since he has to catch up to Meredith) gets a burst of energy as he intros the Big Apple Circus and Mr. Peanut. I'll avoid a Matt Lauer & nuts joke.

The History Channel float has the cast of Hair on it. How appropriate since both are stuck in time warps. The cast performs ably, but honestly, did we need a revival of Hair? Especially since it really is to just line the pockets of the producers.

Mounted police get booed. Ouch!

Matt gives such a tongue bath to Ronald McDonald and his corporate owners that Willard Scott blushes.

Ad commentary: I paid attention to Progressive ads much more when they just gave facts?

Ad commentary part II: Oddly enough, I think a dating show where mates are vetted by a mother is great.

And they are back and am pleasantly pleased to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Troupe perform "Wade in the Water." M&M even manage to point out the significance behind the song.

And they are cut off for another socially significant event: a Keith Haring (RIP) balloon. 

And that is cut off by M&M pointing out that Al has joined them. (Yay! I get to say MAM now.)

Keith Haring's balloon apparently nearly took out MAM. Go Haring's ghost!

Hess float: Some teen band from the Guyland lip syncs some pop/rock song, while MAM still recover from Keith Haring's balloon trying to take them out. (I'm still giggling.)

MAM are so shell-shocked they nearly forget to intro the Guyland marching band playing.

MAM intro the M&M float which has Idina Menzel singing. I do believe she is lip-syncing. Tsk. Decent MOR song, although I think we heard the only interesting part of it.

MAM talk quite eagerly (*snort*) about Pikachu, and I'm surprised that Pokemon is still popular. The charlie is clearly in abundance now.

MAM manage to plug NBC's latest acquisition, The Weather Channel in a record 5 seconds. Why so quick? Well, David It's-too-early-for-me-to-try-to-spell-his-last-name-correctly is performing. He's lip-syncing and looks like a dog caught in the headlights. He is Andy Gibb for the 21st Century. 

Wow, another Disney plug, this time for Toy Story (third movie coming in 2010!). 

MAM are still nervous about the balloons attacking them. Meanwhile, Rick Astley crashes the float of some Cartoon Network show. Oh, I do like the way that this parade is turning out now. He's lipsyncing, but I don't care, it's Rick Astley! That was truly funny and clearly Astley is in on the joke as well. 

Ad commentary: Lipitor's message is certain to fall on deaf ears on Thanksgiving,

Now the parade has truly improved: balloon attacks and Rick Astley!

MAM introduces some dance troupe performing a "latin" dance number, with music more suited to the White Party than a MOR parade on television. The number is unbelievably frenetic and over before it started. Those 635 kids got ripped off.

Macy's own gold stars get barely a mention considering its their 150th anniversary. 

Good Housekeeping has a flipping float? On it, some teenage girl sings (and yes, I believe she really is singing) "Because You Love Me." She is technically good, but there is a disconnect between her and the lyrics. Note to any teenage singers: sing songs that you truly connect with.

Putting the name "Awesome" in your band's name is just tempting fate. Well, they're game, I'll give them that. Not too bad.

Spongebob Squarepants Balloon comes gliding down Broadway and there is now a slight hint of panic in their voices every time MAM talk about a balloon. (Ha!)

Trace Adkins (apparently he's big in country music) sings (the jury's out on whether he's lipsyncing) on the Jimmy Dean float. It wasn't the most enthusiastic performance, to be honest.

Ad commentary: From my own personal experience, Sprint's 3G network doesn't work all that well around Herald Square. I'm just pointing this out, Mr. Hesse.

And we're back with a float sponsored by the Oneida Nation. Perhaps out of respect, MAM keep silent.

Back to frivolity as MAM plug an upcoming Muppet special on NBC. (Really? I thought ABC had the Muppets sewn up, pun intended.)

Some nondescript boyband called Varsity Fanclub lip sync on the USPS float, and it's hilarious how every single boyband has the exact same moves. By the way, I thought the era of the classic (i.e. no instruments) boyband was over.

MAM introduce another marching band, this time from Texas. They of course play "Deep in the heart of Texas." They also look like a paramilitary force.

Now here comes a hilarious marching band, a bunch of men in business suits and briefcases. Thank god for absurdity.

Sadly, it's over too quickly as Ashanti (I think she's singing) is on the Daily News float and performing some atrocious overwrought ballad.

That embarrassment is over quickly for a plug for the latest direct-to-DVD knockoff of a bad 90s movie.  

Speaking of bland holdovers from the 90s, Darius Rucker of Hootie & The Blowfish sings on the Gibson guitar float. He is technically good, but not all that moving. I'm old enough to remember when Hootie & the Blowfish was synonymous with boredom.

Back from ads, the Special Needs Color Guard perform to the tune of the Theme from the Greatest American Hero. That's just too OTT, not the performance, just the music choice.

Yet another random tween singer lip-syncs (and the recording isn't that much better) on the Build-A Bear-or-I'll-Scream float. What I wrote about the My Princess Academy float applies here.

Shrek float, which gives MAM the chance to hype $hrek: The Mu$ical. 

MAM intro the JMU marching band. So far, the best one so far, although I would add that we didn't get a chance to see much of the Soul Tigers.

Ad commentary: The Brewers have quite a funny ad running here with the infamous running Sausages caroling. I remember when Milwaukee didn't even like to admit that they had a baseball team.

MAM get cut off introducing some North Carolinian high school band. Why? I don't know. They play "Boogie Wonderland" as a comedy number and I must say that it was slightly better than JMU.

Apparently the Care Bears are back, and befitting their sugary sweet antiseptic image, Kristen Chenowith is LIPSYNCING a Christmas song on it. She passed up a good opportunity to show up Idina Menzel.

Ad commentary: Macy's corporate actions run contrary to message of Santa Claus. 

MAM bring us the "Winter Wonderland" float, with Kermit the Frog and "Camp" Broadway.

The song is classic syrupy sweet pap, and sadly "Camp" Broadway is only "camp" Broadway, this year. Kermit, however, is still "Camp." Weak.

Matt makes a "road/toad" joke, and it falls flat. The charlie has run out and MAM are scatter-brained. Appropriately, that serves as their introduction for Andy Williams, who is also lipsyncing. I'll cut Andy some slack since he looks out of it, the poor thing. The kids performing behind him however are camping it up big time.

The final band is "Macy's Great American Marching Band." They, like Macy's itself, are very flashy and robotic. 

Meredith coos that "Santa Claus is coming to town." I think they have switched to GHB and vodka, judging by the amount of slurring going on with MAM. 

Probably the most OTT Santa Claus float ever. 

Al tries to stress the importance of this parade in lieu of the current economic dire straits. He also mentions that he'd like to do it over again. They do need a bit of a do-over, to be honest. Matt looks bored. Meredith looks  like Annette Bening in American Beauty. Al just looks dazed.

Well, it wasn't the best edition-but it was adequate, even if the only highlights were a balloon attacking MAM and Rick Astley.

The 2009 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Post-Mortem

One thing I should mention before kicking this all off: Peter Alexander is the Karl Stefanovic of the US or Karl Stefanovic is the Peter Alexander of Australia. Either way you can practically hear the sea breeze blowing through their ears whenever they are on camera, and they seem to have a tendency to put their feet in their mouths.

The announcer has gone bipolar, sometimes indifferent, other times manic as hell.

Same hosts as always: Al “how many projects can I do at one time” Roker, Matt “Please Take Me Seriously” Lauer, and Meredith “I Gave Up The View for this” Vieira.

Bipolar announcer reads off the names and it’s pretty much the same B and C-listers hyping the no-hope NBC line up. Last year hinted at it, and now it seems pretty blatant: any 1980s kitsch is welcome in this decade of unoriginality (Smurfs? Care Bears?!).

Oh lord, cheerleaders. Now as this parade tends to be the 3rd most popular that brings people to this corner of the internet, I am going to put this in the most simplest way possible: Cheerleaders are very talented acrobats that perform to the most mind-numbingly inane music possible.

This is national television, step up your game.

Bipolar announcer promos a performance by the cast of Hair. I have mentioned on here that I pretty much am opposed to a revival of Hair for several reasons: First, let’s encourage new theatre works not money driven revivals (or at least admit that money is the reason); Second, Hair is a social commentary that has nothing to do with the present, The Cradle Will Rock says more about the present than Hair.

M & M believe that most of us don’t know what hippies are in their intro to Hair.

The performance is good but as I mentioned above it is devoid of any relevance and they could be singing Smack My Bitch Up and sound the same.

Bipolar announcer mentions that Jimmy Fallon will be singing. This sounds more interesting than a revival of Hair.

Adverts: Macy’s has only been a part of our lives for so long because they proceeded to aggressively buy out all their competition, not because they are that good of a store.

Al intros Anthony Anderson & Linus Roache, and I have to wonder why, especially since I thought Law & Order was in its final season, but Al claims that he is “looking forward to many more seasons.” Al is still in better shape than Anthony Anderson.

Meredith explains the plot to sodding Bye, Bye Birdie with John Stamos in the Dick Van Dyke role. The performance is sickeningly sweet, and a perfect reflection of the imaginary world that most of the people who complained about Adam Lambert think still exists.

God this performance is taking ages to finish.

Announcer promises a performance by the hip new musical Billy Elliot. (Shout out to the kid from Parramatta who is one of the new Billys. Billy Elliot is a good show, but it is as hip as Charo.

Al welcomes us back from commercial by harassing the people handling the Ronald McDonald balloon.

M & M intro Billy Elliot. This is the first musical number that manages to entertain.

Announcer calls Parks & Recreation a hit. It’s a hit relative to the network it is on, much like how 9am is the hit mid-morning show on Ten. The bar is pretty low at the Peacock.

M & M use a Google Earth knock-off to show us the parade route. This, my dears, is known as really bad filler, although it is interesting that the parade route is not going down Broadway.

Al & Jillian “Biggest Loser” Michaels harass each other and proceed to tell us all that we are eating too much and if we watch her new show we will learn how to eat.

Usch. The food issues with Americans aren’t because we don’t know how to eat, but because it is more expensive and time consuming to eat healthy.

Al hypes Parks & Recreation and tries to act more interested in the show and the cast than he really is.

Matt intros Shrek: The Musical and his face looks like he too would rather be anywhere else.

Shrek is Shrek, a cute attempt to be ironic and sarky while blatantly cashing in on the movie.

Announcer (it’s Conan O’Brien’s old announcer, which explains so much) promises balloons.

Adverts: Attention non-Americans, that tongue-twisting USPS ad about shipping candy and sweets all over the country gives you more of an insight into American psyche more than any film or television show. (Mind you, it's not as funny as this one, which in its own way also provides insight into the American psyche.)

Matt must have been told to look perky during commercial as he certainly does muster up some energy while introducing the Rockettes. Meredith’s perma-smile, however is disturbing.

I remain amazed that kicking in unison manages to render an audience stupefied.

Joel announces Katherine McPhee & Kermit the Frog. Oh, the mediocrity.

Adverts: Use points from Chase Sapphire to get more frivolous things you don’t need with all the debt you’ve racked up.

Matt gives us a very animated history of Santa Claus and the parade. You can see the dollar signs in his eyes.

The first band hits Herald Square, thereby officially beginning the parade (because if you aren’t on television in the US, you do not exist).

Spiderman balloon and Matt’s voice sounds like a carnival barker as he just rattles off names left, right, and centre.

Ocean Spray’s float of a bunch of ugly animals: Jane Krakowski sings some bland Broadway-style song about home. Apparently Ocean Spray wants us to associate it with giant vermin.

Adverts: Why does Hugh Grant still have a career?; Matt Lauer thinks he is Barbara Walters with this sodding People of the Year special. (What did Kobe Bryant do to be included in this list anyway?)

Back to the parade, and a band plays Defying Gravity (thereby causing a lot of musical theatre fans to swoon).

Tom Turkey float: How many times can you say Food Network, M&M? 20? 30?

Meredith does the heavy lifting of the hyping this year, although Matt does a slew of hopping references with regard to Kermit the Frog. Why all the focus? There’s a Muppet special on NBC next month.

The Muppets may have escaped the clutches of the Mouse House, but one of Mickey’s latest tween creations lip-syncs some very bland pop/rock (prock?) song on top of flower pot.

Poor Joel mispronounces Cyndi Lauper’s surname, but given the amount of hokum he has to shovel out today, I sympathise.

Adverts: I would like to see if there is any proof of car sales going up during the holidays, because I really doubt it, Cadillac.

Meredith’s smile is really beginning to unnerve me. Anyway, they intro the Sesame Street float. I’m not going to say anything else as they are in their 40th year.

Another marching band, and they perform Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend rather smartly.

Hometown Heroes float: If a cat requires that many government services to be rescued, then there’s some serious corruption going on. Someone called Jay Sean sings some very bland pop song with a lot of autotune. (Now, I like autotune, but that song had way too much.)

Adverts: The Hamburger Helper hand is no 1234 sock puppet.

Back from commercials, the Chinese American dancers provide a nice respite from the commercialism.

Build-A-Bear float: That girl from Akeelah & The Bee is now another actor/singer. The song is relatively good, but still relatively anonymous.

Pokémon float: Pokémon is still relevant?

Another band, and they perform an impressive version of Respect.

American history: Balloon head George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, a Statue of Liberty float with whoever is Miss America and whoever won the New York marathon. I don’t know why, but it seems a touch tacky.

M&M hype the M&M float which has Alan Cumming on it. Alan Cumming sings a woeful version of That’s Life, mostly because his accent gets in the way. Nonetheless, it’s pleasantly subversive merely because it’s Alan Cumming.

Shrek float: Matt chirps that there’s another Shrek film. Mike Myers must be low on cash.

Some pink castle float: Cyndi Lauper goes disco. She’s lip-syncing (pretty much everyone has to, given the ambient noise), but does a killer job nonetheless.

Advert: NBC thinks what America needs is another choir show, this time a capella. Not going to happen.

Back to the parade, the Nets Senior (as in citizens) Dancers and its Kids Dancers manage to be very impressive.

Al joins M&M, and we now have MAM for the rest of the parade. They intro Gloria Sodding Gaynor singing…oh hell, like I need to tell you what Gloria Gaynor is singing. She’s on a cheerleader-themed float looking like a drag queen. I don’t think she’s aware of the irony.

MAM is noticeably more energetic than M&M, I don’t know what that might say about the relationship between Matt & Meredith, but good god, it’s an improvement.

A DC marching band is as close as I’m going to get this year to seeing something like the Grambling vs.. Southern band playoffs.

Hess float: I still find it strange that Hess does no advertising outside of the holidays. Some random unkempt prock band performs a some boring ballad that goes on way too long.

Speed Racer: Wow they really did expect that film to do better than it did.

Joel announces Ziggy Marley. Seriously. Ziggy Marley.

During the adverts I take a gander at that Karl Stefanovic clip and I must say that a pissed Karl Stefanovic presenting this with Al Roker would be hilarious.

Back in the “real” world is the Jump Rope All-Star team. Alright, you forced my hand:

Yo Gabba Gabba float: I really do not want to hear “There’s A Party in my tummy” and “Get the sillies out” at 11 in the morning. Fortunately I have a few more years before I become a parent.

MAM promo the actual dog show that follows this “dog” show.

Jimmy Dean float (which has no sausage on it): Katherine McPhee has apparently become a country singer. Blame Taylor Swift.

I have noticed these past years that whenever MAM starts, the trio gets very loose and is frequently off-camera, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there are shots or lines being done while we’re watching whatever is going on parade-wise.

Back from commercial: The reason why Ziggy Marley is making an appearance? He’s got a children’s album. Still, not as bizarre as one would think.

A band from California does a decent performance, but the uniforms make them look like undertakers.

MAM starts slurring, so I’m thinking they are doing shots. It helps that they are at the Disney floats and about to go to commercial (not that the two things are related—not at all).

Adverts: Jay Leno at prime 9pm central real estate is hardly anything to be thankful for.

Back to the parade where the annual peculiarity of Native American performances at a Thanksgiving parade goes on.

A West Virginian band gives the Rockettes a serious run for their money.

Gibson guitar float: Jimmy Fallon’s show band is The Roots!? The Roots?! Jimmy Fallon does his very tired shtick of “aren’t me & my Peter Pan Complex cute?” I can’t believe his show band is The Roots.

Matt comments on Fallon’s manic performance: “I think we should’ve had what he had for breakfast.” I think it’s highly illegal, Matt.

Locomotive float: Some country singer. One of the things I have learned since moving to Australia is that country music is relatively the same worldwide. Perhaps the only difference is that US country music tends to be rife full of religious references. (Not all that surprising, remember that America was set up by religious fanatics.)

Adverts: NBC really really wants Chuck to do well. They are hyping it like mad.

Back at the parade, some dance team does a bunch of weird things with a Slinkies. If this was 1984, it would be impressive. Unfortunately it’s not.

NYPD Mounted Unit: A nice normal breather amongst the inanity.

Big Apple float: I always liked the New York Daily News, and their float is nicely subdued. On this float, Cheyenne Jackson sings some cabaret-style song that really makes him come across as a piss-poor imitation of Frank Sinatra.

Joel cuts off the NYPD Marching Band. That’s cold.

Only a little more than a half-hour left. Those musical performances really are filler.

Adverts: I don’t know why Apollo Ohno thinks that the country really needs the Olympic Games. We actually need health care. (By the way, the Winter Olympics seem to be a couple steps above a non-event in Australia. The fact that they are occurring in the middle of Summer, might explain why.)

MAM rattle off float descriptions with lightning speed, so I think they might be running a bit behind schedule.

Care Bear float: Let’s call this the 80s kitsch float, since Carly Simon sings “Let the River Run” while a bunch of Care Bears dance. Seriously, this could have been done in 1989 with no changes whatsoever.

Back from commercials, and MAM just plough through the bad puns.

Showboat float: Every time I see John Pizzarelli I can’t help but think those adverts he did for Foxwoods.

Apparently Macy’s recycles all these balloons for a Holiday Parade at Universal Orlando. (MAM don’t mention the fact that Universal is a sister company of NBC.)

Joel promises us that Santa Claus is coming to town. Believe you me some NBC production assistants are doing every thing to make sure that float hits Macy’s before noon. I had no idea that the dog show was such a major ratings event for the Peacock. Didn’t it used to be the highlight of USA Network’s (now a sister channel) Thanksgiving programming.

Delta float: Andrea Boccelli (who looks really haggard) sings White Christmas. I get the sense that this was the float that might have been holding up traffic.

Towson University sends its marching band, and I wonder why this is the only college marching band.

Al speaks rapidly about the Smurf balloon while Meredith stares blankly at the camera. Matt makes mention of the upcoming Smurf movie. (Jesus wept, just because the Transformers have been revived, it doesn’t mean everything has to be.)

Adverts: The US Ocean Spray cranberry ads are much funnier than their Australian counterparts.

Cornucopia float: Some young woman I’ve never heard of duets with Kermit the Frog in some daft country song about Santa Claus. It’s hard not to have chemistry with Kermit the Frog, but this woman manages to make the song all about her thereby misses the point of the song entirely.

Quick cut to Matt who is now staring at the camera as blankly as Meredith was earlier. I think the two of them are likely bugging out. The producer must think as well, since the next time we see them, MAM are all smiles.

They also are running through the performances quickly since it is now clear to all that the show is very close to running over, and the producers are desperate to get those dogs out on time.

Santa Claus’s arrival: It’s very overwrought and over-the-top, lots of smiling “Broadway” children singing like mad.

MAM do the expected thanks to the troops, volunteers, and each other. It’s very fast because NBC must get to the dogs ASAP.

Well, that’s another parade down, and I have to say that MAM are starting to lose their edge. Mind you, nothing, but nothing could beat the passive-aggressive banter between Matt Lauer & Katie Couric, Meredith just doesn’t match up.

The Strange Commonality Between Nine & NBC

Now, NBC is tanking in the US network race, and Nine pretty much is holding its own down here in the commercial network stakes.

Yet, I was struck by some interesting things they share in common.

• Both air a breakfast programme called Today.
• Difference: Nine’s has a male anchor who is an occasional drunk and full-time crazy. NBC only lets Matt Lauer have a personality on Thanksgiving Day.
• Both have a show that follows their respective Today with an aging cabaret star as a presenter.
• Difference: Kathie-Lee Gifford gets crunk on air. KAK gets crunk off air at Sydney Harbour, on air she does her best to embarrass her guests…unless they’re Poms.
• Both have a high-rating police shows about lurid crimes.
• Difference: Law & Order: SVU is a parody of a morality play; Underbelly is a Russ Meyer film masquerading as a TV series. 

NBC plays coy with their new lineup

I've said this before, and I'll say it again, "I have no idea what on earth is going on over at the Peacock."

They have not completely finalised it (because honestly drawing out suspense is easier than creating decent programming), but the lineup includes:

• Heroes
• Southland
• that anemic Amy Poehler sitcom
• 6 episodes of Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday (trying see if that magic works without a national election)
• a show about paramedics in San Francisco (but Peter Berg is behind it, so it might not be woeful)
• another attempt to turn the 1989 film Parenthood into a television series (previous attempt in 1990)
• a limited run series about a post-apocalyptic Earth.
• a sitcom about a dating coach who has her own dating issues. (Miss Match redux)
• a sitcom set in a community college with Joel McHale and Chevy Chase. (Mmmm...C-list.)
• Jay Leno's pitiful refusal to go into that dark night of retirement.

Law & Order: SVU is back, although it's still up in the air if Meloni & Hargitay will be back. Friday Night Lights, The Office, 30 Rock, and The Celebrity Apprentice(?) are also returning.

They won't talk midseason shows because that would hurt Jay Leno's feelings...or they just don't have a sodding clue about those either.

For a less cynical view of the new NBC lineup, you can read the AP article on MSNBC's website or go to NBC's fall preview minisite for full-on boosterism.

NBC meets its own level?

Taking a quick gander on the BBC News’s website, I read that NBC might sold to Comcast.

It seems oddly appropriate that NBC Universal, which was on its way towards become a cable behemoth when I left the US, would be bought out by one of the nation’s largest cable companies.

That said, the whole deal seems very AOL Time Warner.

Since we're on matters American, I just have to say: Go Chicago.

Thanksgiving Day Parade Post-Mortem

(Well, technically it's not a post-mortem since as I write this the parade is not yet over in either the Central Time Zone, but I'm not going to split hairs.)

Every single year I watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade like religion. Perhaps it's the march of time, but the parade has truly lost its whimsy, at least to me. First off, either WTMJ or NBC screwed up the HDTV broadcast because for the first ten minutes we were watching the East Coast feed which was high-definition and already an hour into it, then suddenly it changed to the regular delayed Central feed. The upside was Rita Coolidge twice. The downside? Sesame Street's sacchrine performance twice. (Seriously, half of that cast just needs to retire. Bob looks and sounds like he needs a respirator.)

Other live observations:

• You can plug The Office as much as you'd like, NBC. I doubt it'll do any good after those horrific "water-cooler talk" radio commercials. I now go out of the way to avoid it.
• Tommy Tune looks old. Yikes.
• I pity the poor people who have to walk that route in those Pilgrim balloon heads.
• Rihanna? Go away now.
• Why oh why would they put Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on? It's closing soon.
• My mother's assessment of Jersey Boys: "Dull and that man does not look like Frankie Valli." This led into a mini-spat over semantics. She referred to it as a "play." I said "it's a musical." "Isn't a musical a play?" "Hell, no." We argued this point for 5 minutes, looked up the definition online, and I have to minorly concede to her that she is technically correct, but I will never refer to any musical as a "play." Unfortunately, she now knows that usign that term will get under my skin.
• Who are all these no-name singers on all these floats?
• In my fantasy 2005 parade: Yummy Bingham on a float performing "Come Get It." Anyone who has seen the Soca floats during Pride knows how fun that would be to see.
• It says something about the rest of the show when I actually enjoy seeing that opening number (which was censored, by the way) from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Still can't stand that Butz man.
• Matt Lauer sounds unbelievably awkward saying "off the chain." I know I do as well, but geez...This is national television.
• Does Click 5 have any credibility anymore? If they did, I think appearing on the Hess float killed it.
• Please let Al Roker lose his voice next year.
• My god, NBC is actually letting it run over now. Quelle horreur! Though I suspect that the dog show is not going to get great ratings anyway.
• I will scream if see that asshole mayor.
• To my neighbours: I send you my wishes, because Sixth Avenue is probably Hell today.
• My stone heart was moved by the Preservation Hall Jazz Band.
• "Camp Broadway." It works on so many levels.
• Those cheerleaders are on E, I tell you.
• Who the hell are the Cheetah Girls? Can't we sic a cheetah on them?
• Hands up if you want to see an all-male version of The Rockettes. (The Cockettes don't count.)
• Apparently James Dobson's homophobic cult (Focus on the Family) was soliciting during the parade by handing out "balls." He doesn't get the irony of doing so. I hope some Upper West Siders pelt him with them.
• Jai Rodriguez should stay the hell away from performing anything from the Steve Martin songbook. The lyric "my favorite honky" was surprisingly not cut.
• Four Kings: I smell "sophmore slump." Shame, because Seth Green is actually quite talented as a comedic actor.
• Are those marching band uniforms designed to give everybody a huge gut?
• Whoever scripts those Shecky Greene "jokes" for Matt Lauer, Katie Couric, and Al Roker needs to be bound, gagged, and lobotomised.
• I think Aaron Neville is keeping that mole just to piss the rest of the world off. Was that a facial tattoo of schimtar I saw on his cheek?

The Year That It Was (On Here): 2006

January

• The late, lamented QTN featured Reichen Lehmkuhl giving relationship advice with no trace of irony whatsoever.
• Christine Quinn is selected Council Speaker for New York City.
• Ralph Ellison was right, part 1.
• That damn building going up next to me starts off with a crane situation that would make nearly anybody nervous.
• Gene Shalit's milquetoast apology for his Brokeback Mountain review.
• Hardcore photo shoots and Viagra? Kind of boring.
• SVT's choice to not provide webcast this year leads to unexpected recaps of the Norwegian Melodi Grand Prix and the bizarre pair that is Syn & Sti.
• Ralph Ellison was right, part 2.
• NBC, I give you all this advice and yet, you still don't listen closely.
• Paul Martin gets his slap in the face, but unfortunately that means dealing with inanity that is Stephen Harper.
• RTVSLO? I'll forget EMA 2006 if you will too.

February

• I was bound to wake up like this one day. I just knew it.
• QTN starts its rapid slide into receivership.
• NBC still doesn't get it, and goes for the jugular.
• The Norsk MGP ends with a decent result.
• My birthday resolution? Two out of Eight, isn't bad.
• My attempt to sex up the image of playwrights starts well, but just gets a bronze in the end.
• They don't do Dansk MGPs the way they used to.
• The moral of 2006? It doesn't matter if you are rich, as long as you look rich.
• DC? Beautiful subway system. Kind of cold metaphorically and atmospherically.
• Narcissism is its own sexual orientation.
• Four questions that will probably never be answered.
• Fox will never get it, and why does anyone bother to correct them?

March

• Idiot divorce lawyer from New Berlin decides to turn Wisconsin into Bigotry Land ...and unfortunately succeeds.
• Slut Wins Dora 2006!
• Cruises can be journeys of self-loathing at work, cheap cigarette carton buying, ethical exploration, borscht belt humour, all leading up to 3 days straight out of 9 1/2 Weeks.
• 500 Posts! (Thank you, Esteban!)
• Eurovision 2006 participants? They're freaky!
• Mortality in Milwaukee.

April

• Why I shave my head.
• Steroids and guns get clubs in Chelsea shut down.
• German emigres don't get it.
• Evil building site steals the sun from my heart!
• Masturbating without porn or erotic literature? Not for me.
• When is sushi more than just sushi?

May

• Quotes. Lots of quotes.
• My vote for Post-Mortem of 2006 (and Ralph Ellison was right, part 3).
• La Ryan goes on killing spree throughout Athens or the Eurovision 2006 Qualifier. Take your pick.
• As an American, I apologise to Euroland for Grace clogging up your television screens for 3 hours. Just remember, we have to deal with her on a daily basis.
• Eulogy for QTN.
• Our idiot closet-case mayor tries to have it both ways.

June

• The La Ryan vs. Sibel vs. Severina debate continues...if only in my mind.
• Even innocent words can become slurs, and anyone with a brain and an ounce of morals knows it.
• Let's be blunt. The Tonys sucked.
• The Manifesto for Pride 2006.
• Fuddle Duddle, or why can't American politics be this funny?
• Yes, Virginia, this is the main gay newspaper of New York.

July

• The difference between independence and interdependence.
• They can get married and I can't?
• Phillip Michael Thomas can SING!
• Idiot from New Berlin is a callous bigot, part 2.
• Protect Marriage. Ban Divorce.

August

• Stop calling it HD when it isn't.
• This is the Fringe festival? More like the frayed.
• Fun with Canadian closet cases in Chicago.
• I think Morning Blend is going to be bad, and it is.
• New York local television loses one gay anchor and gains another one.
• Gay Milwaukee is invaded by the pod people.
• Chicago is even more fun without a Canadian Closet Case.
• I am not here to make you feel better, or Ralph Ellison was right part 4.
• Cruising through "happy poor people land."

September

• Dionne Warwick sings the anthem of Summer 2006.
• Luther and rewriting.
• To no one's surprise, 10% of straight men aren't straight...They're cowards.
• Sunday Morning is good...as long as you ignore Charles Osgood.
• Good Morning America: You'd think with this lineup, it'd be better.
• The Early Show: Sponsored by Unisom.
• Today: All I wanna know is how on Earth could Natalie Morales inspire such rabid fandom?
• The CW11 Morning News: Yes, we're even more boring than The Early Show!
• Good Day New York: The most gay [note: superlative here] morning show on the planet since QTN went off the air.

October

• Wisconsin's schizophrenic nature in a picture.
• A majority says the recent revival of A Chorus Line is insipid, and we're still right.
• The downside of New York? Bad gay theatre everywhere you turn.
• T.R. Knight comes out, shortly followed by Neil Patrick Harris, but no one dares come out from the leads of CSI.
• Save Deaf Theatre.
• No one cares about space anymore, not even anime science fiction shows set in space.
• The Story, The Person is born.
• The Closet returns. "(SLAP) Don't say shit to me!"
• Mike Nichols delivers the perfect North Shore smackdown to the pro-amendment block.

November

• Ralph Ellison was right, part 5.
• Vote or shut up. Fortunately, a lot of people did the former.
• My idiot home county and the paranoid retrogressive geriatrics who run it.
• Yes, there was a big sliver lining nationally, but the results from Wisconsin make me see just one big cloud.
• Boundaries & Tact? They're dead.
• Adventures in the American Healthcare System.
• Batshit crazy retired weatherman is my new state assemblyman. Is this penance for my Mike Woods jokes?
• Sarah Schulman tells it like it is. Preach on!
• The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade 2006: Only just beating out Aiden Shaw for most referrals. By the way, people get really defensive when you criticise their bland anonymous ballads.
• Why are all the men in New York smelling like Baby Powder?

December

• NBC began its slide downwards much earlier than we thought. Michael Landon "dancing?"
• I say sin all you want. It's all relative unless you hurt someone else.
• Rupert Murdoch launders his money in bad television. The rest of us just use Wisk.
• The Hudson Affair: Gay Yellow Journalism at its worst.
• Redefining invisibility, or Ralph Ellison was right part 6.
• The Finns melodically tell us that modern life sucks.
• I win Dreamgirls tickets and get pickpocketed. Balance is restored.
• Merger Fever: We'll all get it in the end, but honestly, I say just nationalise the lot.
• I told you Morning Blend was bad.
• Renato Zero refuses to walk quietly into that dark night, and teaches us all a lesson.

Moral of 2006: Ralph Ellison was right.